Deleted

[Harriet Vane]

My older sister has no kids & has no intentions of ever having kids. But I have been asked to not use the name of her ex-husband. I really like that name for a boy but I understand her not wanting a nephew with the same name.

 

 

To me, this falls into the realm of a reasonable request. She has a painful emotional tie to that name.

[Hwin]

First come, first serve. She recently had a baby girl and didn't use it so her loss.

 

Seriously, it's amazing to me what people get their tails in a knot over. OP, if you like the name and you are having a girl, use it.

 

Faith

 

 

Agree!

 

In our family, it's sort of a joke. My sister and I were bickering - not really mad but having at each other - and I declared that I was going to get pregnant and steal her baby name (Ephraim, it's a nice one, isn't it?)

[higginszoo]

How old is she? 12? I don't think you need to honor this request. She'll get over it.

 

We were even in the position of having our name 'stolen' ... dh's uncle's dd was born 8 mo before our dd and they used our 'if it's a girl' name ... so we picked something else. If they'd been over a year or two apart, we would have used the same name anyway, but having cousins with the same first and last names within a year of each other (the only children born into the family within that year-long period), it seemed a bit much.

 

Dh asked his sister on our oldest's middle name and our youngest's name (the replacement name), just as a courtesy because she's one to get upset about such things. She did end up using the same middle name with her ds, but the cousins are 12 years apart, so nobody even notices. If she has a dd someday, I could easily see her using a different form of dd's name, but hypothetical baby will be much younger than my dd (she was at least married by the time dd came along). I was inclined to use them anyway.

[Lisa in Jax]

We are expecting dc#3. We don't even know if it's a boy or girl, so this whole question could be irrelevant. My mom told me the other day that my sister asked her to tell me that we couldn't use a certain girl name, because they wanted to use it if they ever have another girl.

 

Why on earth was this something your sister asked your mom to tell you? Adults don't involve their mommies in situations like this.

 

Talk directly to your sister and see if you can come to an agreement that works for both of you.

 

Lisa

[freesia]

No, I would not honor the request. I don't think it's right to "call" names. As I said in the other name thread, I feel anyone can name their child what they want. I think it's unkind to deny someone that ability.

[Lisbeth]

I would give this all the consideration it deserves - none. I would ignore it totally and name my child what I wanted. By ignore it totally, I wouldn't discuss it at all. Calling dibs on a name for a child you may never have is really, really odd.

[bobbeym]

I didn't read all the responses, but I say use the name you feel is right for your baby. I think it's petty and rude to claim dibs on a name unless there is a very special reason for that particular name, in which case Sis needs to speak up herself. If it was such a special name, she should have named the new daughter that instead of wait on a maybe-baby.

 

I'm the type of person who would use the name just out of spite b/c I got to use it first. But taking that attitude goes hand in hand with the knowledge that using that name could create a rift in your relationship with your Sis if she doesn't get over the fact that you used "her baby name". However, if I didn't use the name to placate her, and then she had another girl and didn't use the name, I'd be ticked at her and that too would likely cause a slight rift.

 

We had originally picked out Christopher Daniel for a boy name with DS19, but after confirming it was a boy, DH and I knew that he was supposed to be First Name instead. SIL eventually named her younger son what I wanted to name DS14, but I hold no ill feelings towards her b/c DS14's name fits him perfectly.

 

The only protected name in our family is one that was given to me in a vision several years ago. I KNOW this specific little girl will be part of my immediate family, I just don't know how or when yet. But I've told DD that it's most likely to be her daughter b/c the coloring matches, so she knows that if this particular girl is born, what her name must be.

[elfgivas]

well, as soon as triangulation kicks in, i'm out o' there, so i wouldn't deal with it until my sister spoke to me, not to my mom...

[SKL]

It depends. Did she know that name was on your list? If so, she has no business making such a request. If not, I might honor the request, even though it's kind of selfish. There are, after all, millions of perfectly nice girl names.

[GSOchristie]

Use it, and tell her to feel free to use it, too. My brother and SIL used Olivia for my niece's middle name. I then used it for Piper, I didn't ask. I really didn't care :).

[Miss Marple]

My sister made the request to use the girl name we had picked for our firstborn. The firstborn turned out to be a boy. She had not heard of the name until I told her that was our girl name. She called after the birth and asked if she could use the name because she was pregnant and knew she was having a girl. Well, I was a little peeved because I certainly planned for more children. But I caved and said "fine". She ended up naming the girl a similar but different name. Funny thing is, though, I never had a girl! She could have used it with impunity :p

 

And with each subsequent pregnancy, my "girl" name changed :). IMO you have every right to use whatever name you want because you *are* the one pregnant at this time and I think that sort of request is beyond the bounds of proper etiquette. But if this gal would make life difficult, I cannot see that it would be worth years of strife.

[Tammyla]

Why didn't your sister speak directly to you? I'm thinking she and your mom are wrong in the way they went about this. Your mom, could have easily declined to be the messenger and your sister could have asked your directly.

 

I'm not sure how I would handle this, but I would feel very put off by their tactics.

 

You might jokingly say something like..."But we already name her that at conception." :boxing_smiley:

 

We are expecting dc#3. We don't even know if it's a boy or girl, so this whole question could be irrelevant. My mom told me the other day that my sister asked her to tell me that we couldn't use a certain girl name, because they wanted to use it if they ever have another girl. She just had her second child (a girl) a few months ago. This is a name that has been "on our girl list" for years. I'm not positive that we will choose it if the baby is a girl, but it is at the top of our list. The middle name she chose for her dd was also the mn we had picked out for a girl, but I never would have told her she couldn't use it. I don't want to make an issue of a name, but it just seemed wrong to me that she would tell us we can't use a name, when there is no way for them to know if they will ever have another girl.

 

[elfgivas]

 

 

I'm the type of person who would use the name just out of spite b/c I got to use it first. But taking that attitude goes hand in hand with the knowledge that using that name could create a rift in your relationship with your Sis if she doesn't get over the fact that you used "her baby name".

 

 

are you secretly my sister in law?

 

looking back 15 years, we were both pregnant, due three months apart. her ultrasound showed she was having a boy, and they told us they had chosen xyz as his name. my ultrasound showed i was having a girl. on a hike one day, dbil asked one of our dds if we'd chosen a name, and she answered, "yes, its abc". three weeks later, unexpectedly dsil gave birth to a girl, and then named her abc.... all the names the same as what we had chosen. i was quite taken aback.

 

its a different situation than OP, but yes, it did create a rift, more because of who it revealed them to be than the actual action. dd #3 is now "efg", and it suits her perfectly :). i can't imagine her with any other name.

 

fwiw,

ann

[LucyStoner]

2x post

[TraceyS/FL]

Ummm... she just had a baby and it was a girl... and she didn't use this Super Special Name for her precious new little snowflake? :glare:

 

So it really wasn't that Super Special a name... it was more of a Semi-Special Runner Up Name. :rolleyes:

 

I'd probably use the name just for spite. :p

 

AND, you have boys, and this is your first girl?!?!?

 

Oh, i'd use the name.....

[LucyStoner]

My brother smashed long strings of extra middle names, usually family names, after his daughters' first (trendy, non family) names. He never uses any names but the first and the first middle when referring to his daughters. I casually mentioned to him that if we have a girl, like ever, we WILL be using my deceased mother's name as the first name but do not care if there are 17 other family babies with the same first or middle name (presently there are none). Smacking someone's name in as your 3rd or 4th middle name does not constitute any claim on the name.

[happyhomemaker25]

LOL, I'd be tempted to use the name just because she told me not to. I can't stand stuff like that.

It reminds me of once when we were watching Say Yes To the Dress and the bride was there with her dad and a sister. The sisters both liked this one dress and the sister not getting married was all like, "If you get that dress I'll never speak to you again!" The sister getting married really, really liked the dress, but she tried on a few different ones. She was in tears because she wanted THAT dress. The sister not getting married did not even have a boyfriend, but she was being a pi**y little brat and told everyone that sister getting married could not have that dress. The staff was like, what if it's years before you get married and you pick a different style. Little miss priss who had to be in her twenties, was like, "I don't want her wearing my dress." It was ridiculous and the dad just sat there and listened to it all. I think in the end engaged sister got the dress with grudging permission from single sister, but really?

My three girls were all sitting there watching this and I said, "If you ever act like that I will knock you upside the head!" We were all cracking up.

I have never really understood the possessiveness of names. If someone names their kid something I was planning to name my kid I would be fine with it. I'm still going to name my kid that, though. My SIL passed away, childless, a few years ago. She was super close to her sisters' kids and I would not be surprised if one of them uses her name one day. However, if I ever get another little girl her middle name will be after the aunt, because my husband asked me to come up with a name to go with it. I did. It will be ok if my niece and nephews want to use that name as well, no hard feelings from me. I had a cousin who had her heart broken when she was pregnant with her daughter. She had her heart set on the most beautiful name. A girl from her church had a baby girl right before and used the very name, first and middle, my cousin wanted. I remember asking why she could not still use the name and you'd thought I'd asked why her baby had two heads. I just shrugged and thought, "I would still use the name." LOL

[justamouse]

Ummm... she just had a baby and it was a girl... and she didn't use this Super Special Name for her precious new little snowflake? :glare:

 

So it really wasn't that Super Special a name... it was more of a Semi-Special Runner Up Name. :rolleyes:

 

I'd probably use the name just for spite. :p

:iagree:

 

If she has another kid and if that kid is a girl...

 

 

Use the name.

[bobbeym]

 

are you secretly my sister in law?

 

looking back 15 years, we were both pregnant, due three months apart. her ultrasound showed she was having a boy, and they told us they had chosen xyz as his name. my ultrasound showed i was having a girl. on a hike one day, dbil asked one of our dds if we'd chosen a name, and she answered, "yes, its abc". three weeks later, unexpectedly dsil gave birth to a girl, and then named her abc.... all the names the same as what we had chosen. i was quite taken aback.

 

its a different situation than OP, but yes, it did create a rift, more because of who it revealed them to be than the actual action. dd #3 is now "efg", and it suits her perfectly :). i can't imagine her with any other name.

 

fwiw,

ann

 

That would have ticked me off. I think I'd have felt like they'd stolen the name out from under me. But on the other hand, if they hadn't of stolen your name away, then your DD#3 would maybe have not fit as perfectly with her name as she does now.

[hillfarm]

But if this gal would make life difficult, I cannot see that it would be worth years of strife.

 

If she is the sort to get her mother to deliver the message for her, and the type to get upset if the OP uses the name as she originally planned, then the sister will find something else to make life difficult.

 

Honestly, this is about much more than the name, IMO. This is about a person who thinks the whole world should revolve around their whims and desires. This will not end when the baby comes. So why bother to bow, scrape, and accommodate her now, when she will inevitablly find some other topic to harp about later?

 

I am of the firm opinion that caving in to these people merely causes them to at best continue on with this behavior and at worst, to intensify it because they have gotten away with it once before. IMO it is unreasonable to reward bad behavior and then expect it to go away.

[vonfirmath]

My sister used my #1 favorite boy name. When we had a boy, we chose something else. I didn't want first cousins to share names. But I had my heart set on a girl name. Even if my sister had used it, I think we'd have used it for our girl anyway. Luckily, my sister was done with having kids before we started.

[Miss Marple]

I am of the firm opinion that caving in to these people merely causes them to at best continue on with this behavior and at worst, to intensify it because they have gotten away with it once before. IMO it is unreasonable to reward bad behavior and then expect it to go away.

 

 

I guess it has to do with how much strife one wants in life. While she may find other issues to behave poorly, it's at least one less that won't affect the OP. But, like I said, I found 4 different girl names I loved - one with each pregnancy. And maybe she's not a terrible person. Maybe she was having a conversation with her mil, and mil mentioned she was calling the OP, and maybe she just mentioned, "oh, tell her not to use XYZ because that's a name we've had our heart set on for some time". Maybe it was a casual conversation rather than a planned attack. I would tend to give a lot of grace in cases like this. If the OP truly loves and wants to use the name, a nice conversation could ensue that might bring about concessions and healing. Maybe the sister has no idea that the OP loves the name as well. Looking back 23 years later, I can see that the name of a child is probably less important to me than family relations...maybe I'm just getting old and tired :)

[MFA323]

I'd tell her now that it's on your list and that you're not making any promises. What if she never has another girl? What if she changes her mind on the name and doesn't use it after all? I know someone who saved an important family name for her brother. When he had a son, he didn't use the name. It ended up not being used at all in that generation.

[Lanny]

I had to delay my reply, so I could keep my words polite. I would just ignore the message you received from your mother. Your sister didn't even have the courtesy to tell you this herself. That was not a "request", that was an "order". In either case, it is WAY out of line. They have a LOT of nerve to send that message to you!

 

Give your child the name that you and your DH like the best.

[Cindy in FL.]

If it's a name you've had on your list and decide to use, I wouldn't worry about it. My response would be, "I thought mom was joking when she said you didn't want me to use that name! maybe you should have spoken to me directly. Sorry."

[higginszoo]

 

 

And with each subsequent pregnancy, my "girl" name changed :). IMO you have every right to use whatever name you want because you *are* the one pregnant at this time and I think that sort of request is beyond the bounds of proper etiquette. But if this gal would make life difficult, I cannot see that it would be worth years of strife.

We had the same thing where our 'other' name changed pretty much every time, even with a boy-girl-boy-girl pattern.

 

We never used any of our oldest's 'girl name'

Our second's 'boy name' is our third's middle name -- the middle name she would have had became too popular due to a TV show ... it was a family name, and my cousin, who tends toward trendy names, was happy to use it.

Our third's 'girl name' was what we were going to use for #4, but dh's cousin has that name and we picked another family name (with a slight alteration) for her.

[Dynamite5]

We are expecting dc#3. We don't even know if it's a boy or girl, so this whole question could be irrelevant. My mom told me the other day that my sister asked her to tell me that we couldn't use a certain girl name, because they wanted to use it if they ever have another girl. She just had her second child (a girl) a few months ago. This is a name that has been "on our girl list" for years. I'm not positive that we will choose it if the baby is a girl, but it is at the top of our list. The middle name she chose for her dd was also the mn we had picked out for a girl, but I never would have told her she couldn't use it. I don't want to make an issue of a name, but it just seemed wrong to me that she would tell us we can't use a name, when there is no way for them to know if they will ever have another girl.

 

 

 

First off, it doesn't sound like a request...and it came secondhand. Unless there's a valid reason why your grown sister can't call you and have a discussion about baby names herself, I would completely disregard anything that came via someone else.

[kitten18]

Yes, I would honor the request.

[gardenmom5]

ashfern, on 12 March 2013 - 04:37 AM, said:

 

My older sister has no kids & has no intentions of ever having kids. But I have been asked to not use the name of her ex-husband. I really like that name for a boy but I understand her not wanting a nephew with the same name.

 

To me, this falls into the realm of a reasonable request. She has a painful emotional tie to that name.

 

it can also be healing becasue it changes the association with the name. I ended up marrying a man with a similar last name as someone I loathed with good reason. dh's best friends first name is the same name he who was loathed. dh already owned property really close to where the loathed person lived.

it was healing to have good associations with those things and now I associate the names and the location with positive things instead of a loathsome creep.

[Seeking Squirrels]

I think you both should use whatever name you feel fits your child, even if there is a shared name down the road. MIL really liked a girl name but a relative beat her to it, so she named SIL something else. She always wished she could have used that name and later wished she had even though the cousins would share a name. Especially when SIL was about 7 and as many girls do, wanted a different name. She wanted to be called MILs first choice! She felt like that was a sign she should have just given her that name. I think she fits her name, but that's all I've known her as and knew her a long time before hearing the story.