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MrsBanjoClown
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I think it is rude when people do this. At the same time I'd probably hesitate to use it, because I feel like the name would be forever emotionally loaded for me. I had one friend ask me not to use a certain boy name (she wasn't pg yet), and another friend who told me if I named my son X that I should know she was going to name her son the same thing. The 2nd case didn't bother me because it didn't come with a tone of "this is my name and not yours to use," but rather a heads up that she was also planning on the name, but no biggie if both boys had it. In the 2nd case, it was also a derivative of a family name (Aiden, which has the same letters as Diane, who was a family member that they had lost), so I could understand her wanting to stick to it. But she wasn't trying to ban me from using it, merely just letting me know they were planning to use it regardless. In the first instance, it rubbed me the wrong way as the person wasn't pregnant and was essentially trying to lay down the law that X name was claimed by her, end of story. That totally rubbed me the wrong way. I didn't use the name after that, mostly because I didn't want to associate it with that whole conversation between us. I also didn't use Aiden, but my friend would have understood if we had stuck with it. I just used it as an excuse to narrow down the pool. I could understand why my friend and her DH were attached to it.

 

I think the requester is overstepping and inappropriate, but at the same time, I'd probably end up caving to save myself the drama and the association with someone trying to "stake out" a name in advance.

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. But this is an "if I get pregnant and if it's a girl" scenario. Pretty shaky.

 

This.

 

What happens in 10 years when she only has boys?

 

Use the name you want if you want it. I'm thinking both girls will have different last names? It can be a conversation starter.

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My short answer... No, I personally would not arbitrarily "abdicate the selection" of a name to anyone who was not even expecting a child. Her request (IMHO) strains the bounds of credibility and is totally inappropriate. I would opt to "pass the bean dip" until such time as it became necessary to go there. I wouldn't even dignify it by discussing it. This isn't a playground and she is not entitled to "claim dibs." Conversely, you may have a boy, or you may opt to select another name entirely. Totally your call. Good luck!

 

Jen

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My sister and I have agreements about which names are for her future kids and which are for mine. If I specifically asked her not to use a name, and she did, I would be really hurt. Thankfully our name choices are very different, and so far there have been no conflicts. I even "let" her have my 2nd favorite girl name for her baby (she's waiting to find out) but I told her that if I had twin girls before she had a daughter that I "get it back." But this is my last pregnancy (I'll make sure of that) and it's not twins, so she can "keep" the name.

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Name your child whatever you like.

 

People live through their shock and dismay. At one time, my father and his two best friends, and the three sons of the men, were all named James. They were all over at our house frequently on weekends. Every time anyone called Jim, six males responded. We all lived through it.

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Well that's just rude.

I say you can use it. She hasn't explained any reason for her to have special "dibs" as described by BigMamaBird.

Problem is if you use it, she'll probably be nasty about it forever.

 

I probably wouldn't use it, simply to avoid the petty rudeness. I might also start thinking about how to limit contact with my sister because this probably isn't the only rude petty thing.

 

Other people in the family probably make excuses for her regularly.

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When I was pregnant with Bug I had a similar conversation with my sister. The big difference, she had yet to have any children and my girl name was her #1 choice. I ended up with a boy, so it was a moot issue, but I backed off her girl name since I had gotten my first choice with DD.

 

Funny story, when she did become pregnant, she didn't want the name anymore. She decided it had become over used.

 

 

By our family's logic, you get 1st dibs in the name department since your sister already has girls.

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I probably won't use it just because I don't want there to be any drama. Since I wasn't there, I don't know exactly how she said it. Maybe she said it in a joking kind of way, but just wanted to let me know that they wanted to use it. I think it was on their list with their last baby, but they didn't end up using it. I'm sure there is another name I can use that will be perfect for this baby.

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I wonder if your mom didn't fulfill her mission correctly. I wonder if your sister hoped that Mom would simply say, "Your sister was hoping to use the name First Middle if they have a daughter in the future," and leave it at that, and not add on, "...and your sister doesn't want you to use it first."

 

Obviously sister knew that it was a rude request, which is why she didn't tell you directly. But at the same time, Sister sounds anxious to use that name in her future. It sounds like sister hoped that mom would drop the hint without it sounding like Sister was staking a claim on the name.

 

If it was the gentle version (sister hoping that Mom would drop the hint and then leave it be), then I wouldn't be as upset. But if sister had an attitude and told Mom, "You tell my sister that First Middle is for my future baby! Hands off!" then you could be more upset.

 

I personally think the whole idea of staking claim on a name is horribly rude.

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I think it's rude of her to ask this of you. I also think it's totally lame that she's using your mom as the messenger. You should feel free to use the name if you like.

 

That said, if you think this will cause major drama and problems down the road, you may be better off going with a different name.

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Absolutely inappropriate request.

 

There are two exceptions in my mind. One is if a name has a certain special and unusual significance and is therefore treasured for that unique reason (more than it's-a-pretty-name). For example, an acquaintance of mine was adopted and learned as an adult that her birth name had been Angela. She chose to name her daughter by that name.

 

The other exception is in the case of miscarriage or loss. People who are very dear to me have lost babies to miscarriage or early delivery. They chose names for their children. Because these women are dear to me I would never name a child by the names they chose for their children who have died. It would cause them too much pain.

 

Your sister's request for a name for some theoretical future pregnancy which may or may not produce a girl child is ridiculous. She doesn't get to call dibs on a name.

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I have to share my story with a situation similar to this. When I was about to have our second girl, we named her a name that my sister liked. At the time, my sister was engaged to be married and was saying that she didn’t want to have kids. So, we used the name. She and I get along wonderfully and have never had any real issues in our relationship, but she has told me a couple of times over the years about how it upset her that I used the name. 16 years later, she now has 3 boys and no intentions of having any more children. Of course, it doesn’t matter now that I used it, but if I could do it over, I would have probably chosen something different to avoid the hurt feelings on her part.

 

Crazy, I think, that it bothered her that much.

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Ummm... she just had a baby and it was a girl... and she didn't use this Super Special Name for her precious new little snowflake? :glare:

 

So it really wasn't that Super Special a name... it was more of a Semi-Special Runner Up Name. :rolleyes:

 

I'd probably use the name just for spite. :p

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My SIL had a girl name she mentioned in passing that she liked, but we went ahead and used it because our preferred first name (something different) was also the name of our dear friends' daughter. Then that SIL had a girl and used the name we liked (and would have used, had it not been for duplication with our friends' kid), meaning we're even, hahaha. She got the name I wanted, and I got the name she wanted. And you know, the names we put on our girls both fit them EXACTLY, couldn't imagine them ANY other way.

 

I suppose not everyone is as civil. She did mention it once later, but it was just a passing thing. There was never any agreement or contract, and we moved on. Actually, I *forgot* about our conversation and the mention of the name between the time of the conversation and the time when we decided on the name. It was a first pregnancy, I was tired, blah blah. If I had understood the social implications or what she was actually trying to do when she so CASUALLY mentioned the name, I probably would have worked around it. Not like there aren't more names on the planet. But if the sis hasn't said the name TO MY FACE, sorry I wouldn't give that the time of day.

 

BTW, I never remember any of my SIL's asking *me*, the one with the infertility, if there were any names *I* wanted dibs on while they sat there cranking out babies left and right. No *I* was left to stew and wonder and wait and hope. It's really not fun and really skews your enjoyment of the "I just had my baby!" phone call when you're waiting to hear if they used the name you're really hoping for. Might have been some nice reverse courtesy, but it never happened. I concluded names are pretty much first come, first served, suck up and move on.

 

PS. I still haven't used my preferred boy name yet. (the one I fretted over for 10 years as my SIL's had their babies!) I'm not even sure why. I rubbed my belly, looked in the mirror, and a different name came back. So you can make lists all you want, but I think names are between you and your sense of the child. I've read others talking about it, but I really think it's true. Sometimes you KNOW the dc and you really need to just go with your gut, or rather your belly, haha. So there you go. If the sis is as strange as me, she might decide not even to use that name she so wanted. :)

 

PPS. I do know why I didn't use that name. I didn't use that boy name, and this will sound weird, because after 10 years that name was tied up in all the heartache of WAITING. It wasn't a happy name any more. So people can really change their minds, depending on the circumstances. I think I could use it now, but I sure couldn't then.

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We are expecting dc#3. We don't even know if it's a boy or girl, so this whole question could be irrelevant. My mom told me the other day that my sister asked her to tell me that we couldn't use a certain girl name, because they wanted to use it if they ever have another girl. She just had her second child (a girl) a few months ago. This is a name that has been "on our girl list" for years. I'm not positive that we will choose it if the baby is a girl, but it is at the top of our list. The middle name she chose for her dd was also the mn we had picked out for a girl, but I never would have told her she couldn't use it. I don't want to make an issue of a name, but it just seemed wrong to me that she would tell us we can't use a name, when there is no way for them to know if they will ever have another girl.

 

 

Uh...no. You name your dc the name you have felt in your heart is the right name for this child. It will be fine.

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I think it's rather rude, and silly that she asked your mother to tell you. Of course I don't know your family history at all, so don't know if this would cause drama down the road. If it was my number one name, I'd probably use it anyway, and use a little humor by telling your mother to tell her that sorry, but that happens to be your first choice! :)

 

Four of my kids want the same name for their baby boy someday -- if they have one. :) They all know it's first come, first serve!

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I think it's rather rude, and silly that she asked your mother to tell you.

 

I can't believe the "get Mom to tell her" thing, either! But it's good because it provides deniability.

 

Here's how it will work:

 

MrsBanjoClown: "Meet our new baby, "InsertSpecialNameHere!" :001_wub: :w00t:

 

Sister: "WHAT??? I said you shouldn't use that name! I called dibs on it!!!" :cursing:

 

MrsBanjoClown: "Hmmm... I don't recall you ever mentioning anything about it." :confused1:

 

Sister: "But I told Mom to tell you!!!" :scared:

 

MrsBanjoClown: "Hmmm... she never told me any such thing." :001_huh:

 

Sister: "Well I did, and now I'm really mad at her for not telling you!" :angry:

 

MrsBanjoClown: "Goodness. Of course you're upset, you poor thing. Let me give you a nice, big hug. And then you should probably go give Mom a piece of your mind." :Angel_anim:

 

CRISIS AVERTED.

 

Oh sure, she'll be throwing her mother under the bus, but when her mom asks her about it, she can blame her pregnancy hormones for making her so forgetful. ;)

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"What a coincidence! That name has been on *our* list for years! Maybe we should have sent a message to you that it was already out of circulation!"

 

First baby girl to make an appearance can stake claim to the name, IMO. If your sister gets mad just repeat the above and laugh as though you consider it no big deal.

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My cousin-in-law was furious when we named our 3rd dd after MY grandmother. Cousin didn't care, but cil sure threw a fit. Note: they did not have children and weren't planning on starting for several more years. We've seen this cousin maybe 3 times total in 10 years - it isnt like our kids are growing up next to each other

This part of the family is just ucky. When I found out #4 was a boy (after 3 girls) their response was "well we did that first" Seriously, because you couldn't just be happy for us?!?!?

 

There's a reason we don't see them hardly ever.

 

Use the name if it works for your baby. My dd couldn't have been anything but the name she has.

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I would feel extremely comfortable telling my sister I wanted to use a particular name, and she would feel perfectly comfortable telling me she want to use a particular name. We're tight like that. Dd3 is named after our Grammy. After our oldest two were born (both girls), we decided that the next one of us to have a girl would name her after Grammy. After 6 boys between the two of us, I had Margaret Grace.

 

To be clear, my sister and I would only discuss name preferences with each other. I would never tell my brother and his wife or one of Dh's siblings that I was claiming a name.

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I would probably ignore the request since she didn't even bring it up in person. Maybe your Mom didn't convey the message the way it was intended. But if your sister brings it up I would approach it as if she had sent you a heads-up, not a request.

 

"Oh yes, that was very sweet of you to let us know of your future intentions with the name so we wouldn't be upset when you chose it later too. But it's ok, we don't have a problem if you choose our name later. It would be cute with the cousins sharing a name."

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Unless it was a really your top choice and you just loved it more than anything, I wouldn't use it. My sis and I were pregnant at the same time and when mentioning possibilities to my mom, she gasped and said "what? That's S's girl name!!" I backed off, sis probably doesn't even know we considered it. The discussion happened before either of us knew the gender. I did make a general announcement that I was going to use a certain name to my and dh's family and told them I didn't careifthey used the name, but I was going to use it. Then my brother married a girl with that name and I didn't want people thinking she was named after her....so..... I'm still sad about not using that name.

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Is there a different way to spell / use the name so everyone is happy?

 

We named a daughter Grace, not knowing that name was on my (dear best ever) sister's short list for someday when she had a girl; when her little girlie was born, she used a Greek-i-fied version Karissa (charis), and the 2 girls have a special cousin-bond of having the "same" name.

 

I know that's a Pollyanna-ish way to solve the issue, but - sometimes it works.

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Ummm... she just had a baby and it was a girl... and she didn't use this Super Special Name for her precious new little snowflake? :glare:

 

So it really wasn't that Super Special a name... it was more of a Semi-Special Runner Up Name. :rolleyes:

 

I'd probably use the name just for spite. :p

 

My thoughts exactly. If the name was so important, then she should have used it a few months ago, when that last baby was born. I had my son's name picked out long before I even met dh. I would have used it regardless if a sibling had used it. Use the name you want to use!

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My great-grandmother had her last dd a WEEK before the birth of her first-grandchild (a girl.) the girls were given the same name. I don't know if it was planned, or happenstance (they lived in different states at the time - 1917. communication was written letters.) so far as I know, no one really had a problem with it. I do remember my grandmother always including their last name when referring to either of them. they weren't the only same name in the family. people also married someone with a name that was already in use. or gave children a name that ended up being the same as someone else's spouse.

 

I think declaring a name off-limits is absurd and rather juvenile. (unless it's a jr/3rd and a non-direct descendent uses the name - that's absurd)

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Name your child whatever you like.

 

People live through their shock and dismay. At one time, my father and his two best friends, and the three sons of the men, were all named James. They were all over at our house frequently on weekends. Every time anyone called Jim, six males responded. We all lived through it.

 

that could be handy .. . hey james - please unload the car. just think how fast it would get done with all six of them to lend a hand . . . giggle snort.

 

I have a james, and he goes by james.

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My mom and her cousin, who are only a few months apart in age) had the same first and last name. Everyone called them by both their first and middle names to differentiate. They were in the same grade at school and my mom said it caused all sorts of issues for the teachers, because they also looked very much alike. Kind of like the Patty Duke Show!

 

My cousin and I have the same first name. It was our grandmother's name, but I was born about 5 years before my cousin. They chose to spell her name differently, though mine is spelled exactly like our grandmother. The funny thing is that neither of us go by that name. I have always been called by my middle name, which is not only ridiculously uncommon, but spelled rather kre8tively (thank you mom and dad), and my cousin goes by a diminutive of the name.

 

As for your sister and the name, too bad. If it was so important, she should have used it for her recent baby. If it's at the top of your list, use it. She'll get over it (or not). She's banking on a future child that might not even exist.

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There are two sides to the issue now.

 

(1) She has no claim to the name. Use it if you want.

 

(2) You know that she wants the name. Will you feel guilty if you use it? Will it cause sore feelings?

 

She never should have claimed it. Your mom never should have passed her request along. But now it's out there.

 

*I* would go the path of least resistance and not use the name. But that's me. And I'd feel put out that I couldn't use it too.

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I'd tell mom that if sis wants to discuss dibs on names she should talk to you herself...and that YOU have had that name on your list for ages, too - so whoever has a girl first gets it.

 

You can also note that you could end up with cousins called "Susie Mae" and "Susie Fae".

 

We have a Joe. His cousin is Joey. No biggie.

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First of all, your sister needs to grow up and speak with you directly about things, not use your dm as an intermediary. This is real life, not kindergarten. Secondly, I would respond to your dm with, "How funny! That name has been on our girl list for at least 10 years, so if I have a girl, I may well use it. If Sis has a girl sooner, then she is welcome to it. I'm sure you wouldn't want me to deny my real baby for her theoretical one!"

 

I would also speak directly to your sister and tell her the same thing. I'd add, "Surely you can see how unfair it would be for me not to use a name I've been pondering for at least 10 years for a child that is here in real life, just because you might have another daughter in the future. Should I sacrifice when you might have all boys from here on out?"

 

Yes, she might get petty about this. If so, then be prepared. She will also probably get petty about your choice of colors for the nursery, christening venue, outfits you choose for the baby over the holidays, choice of school or whatever. Some people think they own the world. It really annoys me how many people cave in to their demands just to keep the peace. Chose the name you love and ignore anyone who has a problem with that choice. If you sister truly loved you, she would get over it. If she doesn't, they why disrupt your plans in an attempt to please her. Newsflash - we don't aways get everything we want.

 

This makes me think about something I read in passing online about a couple of celebrities actually trying to trademark the name they picked for their child. How incredibly presumptious. Especially when the name they picked (Blue Ivy, IIRC) was kind of strange anyway.

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