quick help on stupid issue

[EthiopianFood]

ETA: Thank you so much everyone! This is all so stupid, but I just didn't want to make it worse. Thanks for the perspective.

 

 

There is a long history here, so you'll have to take what I say at face value. I'll try to be very brief! I have always tried to help my niece have a better life. Sometimes I am too pushy with how I think things should be done, because I am trying to prevent real problems. She is now a preteen, and very immature, but wants to be very independent. I was told she needed new br*s, I wanted to measure her because I know she is lying about her size because she is embarrassed about her lack of a size, and wanted a certain size, not one thatfits. I said I had to measure or I wouldn't get one very nicely. Later, I sent her a message about how I cared about her and therefore would always tell her the truth about things, don't care what friends say, etc. It is now a week later after this event, I haven't talked to her since (this is normal). She is over right now, hates conflict, but is also acting very distant toward me.

 

This is all very stupid, but I'm trying so hard not to be so pushy anymore. Do I say anything to her, or do I act upbeat as though it didn't happen? She could very well act distant all night. I love her like my own, and we were very close when she was younger because I put so much effort into making up for what she didn't get at home (bad situation). She is very uncomfortable with any display of feelings in these situations, even if I'm not acting mad.

[starwarsmomma]

if my aunt asked to measure my chest, I would freak out. Doesn't matter the age.

 

I'd drop it and never mention it again, unless she approaches you.

[Dandelion]

Let it go, and continue to be loving towards her no matter how she acts (easier said than done, I know!). But that's really all you can do.

[clarkacademy]

if my aunt asked to measure my chest, I would freak out. Doesn't matter the age.

 

I'd drop it and never mention it again, unless she approaches you.

 

 

If my sister tried to measure my daughter she would NEVER be around her again. That is just not somethng an aunt does. I don't think my daughter would be comfy with me doing that let alone someone else.

[EthiopianFood]

if my aunt asked to measure my chest, I would freak out. Doesn't matter the age.

 

I'd drop it and never mention it again, unless she approaches you.

 

:laugh: When she was younger, I was like her mom in a lot of ways. I am a very open person, and am raising my dd to be that way, that's just what works for me. My dn is being raised the exact, exact opposite. LOL

 

I'll throw this in for fun: if YOU had limited funds, would you buy something you know is nowhere near the right size because of pride or embarrassment?

[Danestress]

I woukd be upset if my mom demanded she personally measure my breast before she woukd take me for a bra. And I love my mom, but that would just feel like a forced invasion of my sexual privacy.

 

I am sure if she could drive herself and buy a bra, she would. You have to decide if you are going to drive her or not. But don't place a condition in it that is violative of her personal dignity.

[TammyS]

If my sister tried to measure my daughter she would NEVER be around her again. That is just not somethng an aunt does. I don't think my daughter would be comfy with me doing that let alone someone else.

 

Sometimes it is a thing an aunt does. Different people and families have different feelings about a thing like this.

 

However, what I would have done is offered her some options. I would have explained to her what being measured for a bra entails and offered to: do it for her, talk her through it (like through a bathroom door), or take her to a store to have a professional do it. I would also explain to her why it's important to get an accurate measurement so that the bra doesn't hurt.

[thebacabunch]

I think .your heart is in the right place, but I would leave the bra thing up to her mom. If she needs a bra and her mom won't get her one AND she asks you for help you can take her somewhere that will measure her. I know that nordstrom does it and it is free of charge. There are a lot of "if"s here.

[Dandelion]

I'll throw this in for fun: if YOU had limited funds, would you buy something you know is nowhere near the right size because of pride or embarrassment?

 

Nope. I wouldn't even do that if funds were no issue. You've offered - she can take you up on that if/when she's ready. The ball is in her court.

 

ETA: I agree that you could offer to take her to a store to be professionally measured. But if she doesn't want to do that either, I wouldn't mention it again.

[bzymom]

Let it go. It is great you want to continue helping, but some things you cannot fix without causing a new problem!

[EthiopianFood]

If my sister tried to measure my daughter she would NEVER be around her again. That is just not somethng an aunt does. I don't think my daughter would be comfy with me doing that let alone someone else.

 

Crap, now everyone thinks I'm weird. :bored: You'll just have to take my word for it that I do a LOT of things to fill in the gaps that normal aunts shouldn't have to do. I'm sure you would be asking your sister to get your dd a bra in the first place, you know? For what it's worth, I definitely didn't imagine any state of undress, or any touching of anything other than her back. :bored: It's good to hear that even moms could have had the same response. I will take it much less personally!

[Parrothead]

I'd take her to Nordstroms. Sounds like she needs a bit of mature mentoring if she is embarrassed by her lack of size.

[Dandelion]

 

Crap, now everyone thinks I'm weird. :bored:

 

Not at all. You explained in your original post that there was more to the story. I just assumed you've had to take the role of your niece's mother in many respects. You sound like a caring aunt to me. :)

[EthiopianFood]

Sometimes it is a thing an aunt does. Different people and families have different feelings about a thing like this.

 

However, what I would have done is offered her some options. I would have explained to her what being measured for a bra entails and offered to: do it for her, talk her through it (like through a bathroom door), or take her to a store to have a professional do it. I would also explain to her why it's important to get an accurate measurement so that the bra doesn't hurt.

 

She is very petite in every way, and is embarrassed. She is insisting on a size because in her family, lying to others and yourself makes something true. :( I had thought about taking her to get measured, but assumed that would be worse. I will remember youradvice for dd some day!

[Joanne]

RaeAnn?

 

You seem very young yourself. You are getting caught up on the "lies" of a young girl at a tender age. While your own insecurities might not have manifest the way you see hers manifesting, we ALL of some issues during those years. Biological sex characteristics are very complicated emotionally.

 

It's an emotional intelligence skill to put relationship over being right. I encourage you to be the fun Aunt and back away from being a guiding role model. You seem too wrapped up in it to be of service in that regard right now.

[MedicMom]

I would have freaked out even if it was my mom. You may just want to explain proper sizing and fit to her and talk her through measuring herself.

[EthiopianFood]

I'd take her to Nordstroms. Sounds like she needs a bit of mature mentoring if she is embarrassed by her lack of size.

 

I agree.:( her caretaker goes along with it though, and thinks doing things so you won't be embarrassed around your friends is perfectly acceptable. I'm not just fighting the tide; I'm fighting the entire ocean. I am trying to learn to let go of as much as possible....

[gardenmom5]

I have adult daughters.

 

"open" doesn't necessarily mean 'better'. somethings are good to be open about (especially communicating), but it also leaves lots of opportunity to misstep over the line.

 

why are you buying her a bra and not her mother?

 

perhaps you can try taking her to a good store (i.e. nordstrom/macy's) that has women trained to measure - they can do so through a t-shirt so she can be modest if that is what *she* prefers. the other advantage of having a professional measure is they have a better idea of what bras fit what shapes. sizes does not equal shape.

 

or else give her the exact instructions on how/where to measure and get the raw numbers and figure it out - again, allowing her to be modest.

 

and remind her she's still a pre-teen and things change . . . . . (not that it seemed to bother my late blooming dd that much. she got height and everything else caught up.)

[EthiopianFood]

RaeAnn?

 

You seem very young yourself. You are getting caught up on the "lies" of a young girl at a tender age. While your own insecurities might not have manifest the way you see hers manifesting, we ALL of some issues during those years. Biological sex characteristics are very complicated emotionally.

 

It's an emotional intelligence skill to put relationship over being right. I encourage you to be the fun Aunt and back away from being a guiding role model. You seem too wrapped up in it to be of service in that regard right now.

 

I do feel the need to point out that I asked for help BECAUSE I know I struggle with this. :) There isn't really a way to grow emotional intelligence if I don't deal with these issues and learn from them, is there? And if I back away, that's it. There is no one else. So I am doing the best I can, and trying to learn when I mess up, which happens all the time because I am human.

 

Like I said, there is so much back story in all of this. I analyze things as well, but there is no way to do that accurately based on this thread.

[Danestress]

I just want to add that I never was fitted for a bra until my 30s when pregnancy and nursing changed my shape. Until then, I just tried bras on till I hit it right.

[Harriet Vane]

A properly fitting bra on someone who is small is just not that big a deal. Let her try on a bunch, privately, until it feels right to her. You may have a more involved role in her life, but she is indicating to you by her behavior that she is uncomfortable with this particular involvement. Respond to her cue and back off.

[AK_Mom4]

I'll throw this in for fun: if YOU had limited funds, would you buy something you know is nowhere near the right size because of pride or embarrassment?

 

 

 

Nope...but I would totally take her into one of those nice stores that cater to teen/young adults and let a professional do the measuring. You don't have to buy anything there, but she can try on styles and see what fits and is comfortable.

 

DD19 worked at Aerie as a fitter and had lots of experience "educating" young (and not so young!) ladies about the right size and fit. It's considered an investment because even if you don't buy anything that day, you would be more likely to spend money there sometime if you had a nice experience.

 

Take your neice someplace nice and get her fitted properly.

[JenC3]

My Mom measured me. I don't find it weird at all. As a sewist you have to include bust measurements. You can measure with a tank top or t-shirt on and account for the tiny difference. This is a piece of clothing like any other and should fit well. It's not an emotional thing. Sounds like she just needs one of those tank bras anyway.

[Sukale]

I don't think wanting to measure her is weird at all. My older sister has helped take care of our brothers little girl her whole life. My sister had to tell our brother it was time to get niece bras. He asked my sister to do it. My niece insisted she needed a B (and wanted a B that had extra padding in it too) and we new she only need an A. So she was mad at my sister for a while because my sister wouldn't get her the padded B. My sister didn't measure her but gave her a few to try on and wanted to see her in the ones she was going to buy. It wasn't a modesty thing my niece was upset about it was she wanted a B and didn't want the size that fit her. My niece has a mother. Her mother just was into her self and was happy to let someone else take care of the little girl.

 

You offered to get her a bra that fits. If she decides she wants a bra tell her you are ready to take her when she is ready to get one that fits her. If it is a modesty thing offer to measure her with a tank top on. Then let the whole thing go and forget about it.

 

My niece is no 17 and still has more of a mom in my sister than in her own mother that she lives with. I think you are awesome to be there to fill a spot that your little niece needs in her life.

[Trilliums]

 

Crap, now everyone thinks I'm weird. :bored: You'll just have to take my word for it that I do a LOT of things to fill in the gaps that normal aunts shouldn't have to do. I'm sure you would be asking your sister to get your dd a bra in the first place, you know? For what it's worth, I definitely didn't imagine any state of undress, or any touching of anything other than her back. :bored: It's good to hear that even moms could have had the same response. I will take it much less personally!

 

 

I don't think you are weird. :grouphug: I also helped my niece get her first bra and she was sooo embarrassed. It wasn't something her mom was able or even willing to do. We ended up taking a neighbor/friend the same age and the two girls worked it out together. They weren't even very good friends (also a complicated situation) but having another girl there to giggle over it all helped her deal with the situation. The other girl is very practical and helped DN get a good fit.

 

Good luck! I still deal with this situation where my niece needs our help but ack, it is just extremely complicated. :grouphug: :grouphug:

[RoughCollie]

I took my DD to JC Penney to buy her first bras. She wanted me to do nothing except pay the bill. I told her how a bra should fit, and I suggested that she try on several sizes and find bras that fit right and looked comfortable. I suggested she put on a t-shirt (hers were rather form-fitting, not loose) over the bra she selected. I told her she should not see sags and wrinkles in the ba through the t-shirt.

 

That was it. She has always bought her own bras.

[EthiopianFood]

I took my DD to JC Penney to buy her first bras. She wanted me to do nothing except pay the bill. I told her how a bra should fit, and I suggested that she try on several sizes and find bras that fit right and looked comfortable. I suggested she put on a t-shirt (hers were rather form-fitting, not loose) over the bra she selected. I told her she should not see sags and wrinkles in the ba through the t-shirt.

 

That was it. She has always bought her own bras.

 

Not to keep this going, but she wears size 8 girls clothing on top and bottom. She wanted to buy a 32, and that is what she got in the one other bra she owns because she "outgrew the others."

[dangermom]

I don't think it's weird to measure her, FWIW. I do think, though, that getting it done by a pro would be better. I took my daughter to Penney's, to the lady everyone recommends because she is the best. My daughter didn't like it much, but she sure likes the perfectly-fitting bras.

[LibraryLover]

If you respect & love this child, and have a great rapport, she will come to you. Leave it.

[Lawana]

For what it is worth, I would have done the same thing. I am from a sewing family, and taking measurements is ho hum par for the course. It certainly doesn't enter into any taboo sexual area. I've also had the niece of a neighbor come over and spend some time hanging out at my house. It was very obvious she was wearing the wrong bra size. I did restrain myself from saying anything because I didn't have the relationship to do so, but I certainly would have if it were my niece that I did have a relationship with.

 

Personally, I would have welcomed (in retrospect) someone caring enough about me to ensure that I was wearing the correct bra size. Perhaps you could explain how Wonderbras, (or their equivalent) in the right size, will do more to enhance one' s appearance than any old bra in the wrong size.

[LibraryLover]

For what it is worth, I would have done the same thing. I am from a sewing family, and taking measurements is ho hum par for the course. It certainly doesn't enter into any taboo sexual area. I've also had the niece of a neighbor come over and spend some time hanging out at my house. It was very obvious she was wearing the wrong bra size. I did restrain myself from saying anything because I didn't have the relationship to do so, but I certainly would have if it were my niece that I did have a relationship with.

 

Personally, I would have welcomed (in retrospect) someone caring enough about me to ensure that I was wearing the correct bra size. Perhaps you could explain how Wonderbras, (or their equivalent) in the right size, will do more to enhance one' s appearance than any old bra in the wrong size.

 

 

I would prefer my dds never hear the words 'wonder bra'. A good fitting fitting bra is nice, but they don't need to be WONDER.

 

That chaps my ass.

[Lawana]

 

 

 

I would prefer my dds never hear the words 'wonder bra'. A good fitting fitting bra is nice, but they don't need to be WONDER.

 

That chaps my ass.

I'm sorry to have caused you discomfort.

 

[AKshanmar]

You know your relationship with your neice, and it sounds like you fill a role, in which what you did was just fine. The pre-teen years are so rough anyway, they are trying to figure out what to do with their emotions, and all that, and something like that was awkward for her, and so her reaction is too strong. She will level out eventually, and appreciate you for being there for her! Keep the open relationship, and she will always be able to come to you for help.

[Cera]

I would take her to nordstroms or victorias secret and have her measured by a professional (who can also explain why it is so important to wear the right size).

[Orthodox6]

I took dd to Nordstrom's. The woman's help was mediocre. In addition, after seeking help, I fell victim to feeling obligated to buy something there. Now we just wing it, with dd asking my opinion about how it fits, before we purchase.

[Tammyla]

Many places have a professional, who will help a customer with a bra fitting. (Bra fittings are pretty personal for many ladies, young and old.) Example Legg's Hanes, Bali, Victoria Secrets, and Nordstroms.

 

 

ALSO it's pretty easy to just give her a tape measure and the directions to measure herself. You can find them on-line any place that sells bras.

[Guest submarines]

So she wears size 8 in girls, and she wants to appear bigger and wants a bigger bra? Am I getting this right?

Does she even need a bra? I'm a bit confused.

[Butter]

Does it really truly matter if she's wearing the wrong size? If she's so small it's not like she needs the support. I'd just let it go.

 

When my daughter needed more than a training bra (she inherited the need of a bigger size early from me unfortunately), I took her to Victoria's Secret. They measured her, let her try on all sorts of styles, and she picked her favorite. They made it very special for her and she had fun.

[Home_s_Cool]

Just putting out a "non-measuring" option: most of the time my 2 girls prefer to wear a sports bra.

 

These you don't really need to measure for when you are in the preteen age group. The basic ones come in small/medium/large, etc. They also come in some really cute color/patterns. Alot of them have skinny straps similar to a normal bra.

[Scarlett]

 

 

Crap, now everyone thinks I'm weird. :bored: You'll just have to take my word for it that I do a LOT of things to fill in the gaps that normal aunts shouldn't have to do. I'm sure you would be asking your sister to get your dd a bra in the first place, you know? For what it's worth, I definitely didn't imagine any state of undress, or any touching of anything other than her back. :bored: It's good to hear that even moms could have had the same response. I will take it much less personally!

 

Um no I don't think you are weird at all! I was just scrolling through the replies amazed that so many find it crossing boundaries to measure a niece for a bra! Then again when I was growing up my mom sewed a lot of my clothes so I was quite used to be measured everywhere.

 

The one time I was MORTIFIED was when the home ec teacher stood me up in class and measured my chest.....co-Ed! But my aunt? No big deal.

[Scarlett]

 

 

 

I would prefer my dds never hear the words 'wonder bra'. A good fitting fitting bra is nice, but they don't need to be WONDER.

 

That chaps my ass.

 

Ouch!

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I haven't read all the replies, but as an aunt who has been responsible for much of the care of one of my nieces, especially before she went to school, I do understand. I don't think it's at all weird that you wanted to measure her. That is something a mother should do, or should take her daughter to have someone else do. I know as well as anyone that sometimes that role falls to the aunt when the mother isn't doing it. Preteens are moody. My niece was here on President's because she didn't have school. She's in an eye-rolling phase. If I suggest something remotely embarrassing to her, I get the eye rolls and silent treatment. I wouldn't worry about it too much.

[mamajudy]

We are talking about a girl who wears a GIRLS' size 8. I didn't see how old she is, but I'm guessing pre-teen. At that size, I don't think she needs a bra for support purposes. It sounds like she has friends who are wearing bras, and she wants to look grown up, too. All this talk of fitting professionals at expensive bra shops for a little girl seems over the top to me. Why not just take her on a shopping trip to Target or someplace, buy her a cute outfit and have her try on some girls' size bras with just a little fiberfill.

[Tap]

I grew up in a family that sews, so measuring someone for clothing isn't a big deal to me. If the girl has not been brought up in this manner, it may seem foreign to her and a bit uncomfortable. I could also see that she would be uncomfortable having a number assigned to her body, that it seems she may be uncomfortable about.

 

I wear different sizes in different brands so unless you plan on buying from the store you have her measured at, I wouldn't bother with a professional fitting. As an adult, I can see investing in higher quality items, but for my preference, I would likely buy her a few cheaper bras instead of one expensive one.

 

DD14 has bras in 32 to 36, A,B, B+. She has pushup and non-padded cotton styles. It just depends on the cut, what she is wearing it with and the brand.

 

As far as people saying she is a size 8 and likely doesn't need a bra....that is silly. There are plenty of women who are under 5' who definitly need a bra!

 

If she doesn't want you to measure her, instruct her on the proper fit, or look for a youtube video.

. Take her to a place like Macys that has fun/funky teen bras and start piling them in a dressing room. Have her take a thin t-shirt so you can check size and fit after she chooses 3 or 4 she likes. Have her try them on with the shirt so you can check for gaps, pulls, etc. Do not expect to be in the dressing room with her and do not expect to see her without the shirt on. You will be able to tell everything you need to know with a thin shirt on. If she forgets one, just take one of the rack to try on with...no biggie. Then narrow the choices from there. If she wants a push up or Wonder bra....let her. If she is so very petite she is probably sensitive about being compared to a child and if letting her have a bit of padding in the chest makes her feel a bit more her age, then let her! If it will be her only bra, go for a softer colored option, but still allow her to get a fun print if she wants it. Let it be fun. Let her try on options that you don't plan on buying but let her know "you can try it on, but only for fun....we need to find one to buy that will work for every shirt." Take a coffee or a book and plan to be there for a while! LOL

[Danestress]

 

 

Um no I don't think you are weird at all! I was just scrolling through the replies amazed that so many find it crossing boundaries to measure a niece for a bra! Then again when I was growing up my mom sewed a lot of my clothes so I was quite used to be measured everywhere.

 

The one time I was MORTIFIED was when the home ec teacher stood me up in class and measured my chest.....co-Ed! But my aunt? No big deal.

 

 

I don't think it crosses boundaries to measure a girl for a bra. I think it crosses boundaries to insist upon it after she has already said no, that she doesn't want you to. Of all things we teach our daughters, the right to control touching would be primary for me. If it doesn't feel right to her, I don't think it matters how any one else feels about it, even if it is a very normal thing. It's still her body and she has a right to be unreasonable about it.

[2girls4us]

If she is only wearing girls size 8 clothing, I can't imagine that there is a regular bra out there that is going to fit her. Even the tiny 28 bands are going to be too big. What about taking her to Old Navy, Justice or Target and getting her something like this? They come in split sizing (S, M, L...).

http://oldnavy.gap.c...1&pid=253831002

[mamajudy]

As far as people saying she is a size 8 and likely doesn't need a bra....that is silly. There are plenty of women who are under 5' who definitly need a bra!

 

 

She is a GIRLS' size 8 - not misses size 8. And it has nothing to do with height.

[Catwoman]

We are talking about a girl who wears a GIRLS' size 8. I didn't see how old she is, but I'm guessing pre-teen. At that size, I don't think she needs a bra for support purposes. It sounds like she has friends who are wearing bras, and she wants to look grown up, too. All this talk of fitting professionals at expensive bra shops for a little girl seems over the top to me. Why not just take her on a shopping trip to Target or someplace, buy her a cute outfit and have her try on some girls' size bras with just a little fiberfill.

 

 

:iagree:

 

I don't think this needs to be a major production at this point.

[EthiopianFood]

:iagree:

 

I don't think this needs to be a major production at this point.

 

I've let it go as something she doesn't want at this time. :) My dilemma was partly over if I should be expected to buy something that clearly doesn't fit. She doesn't want one that fits. She doesn't want a shelf bra. She wants a 32 whether it fits or not. If that weren't a factor,there would have been no conflict in the first place. LOL Her caretakers don't see a problem in saying she needs a 32 because she wants one. They asked me to get her more, to help out. I wasn't willing to spend money on something that clearly, clearly doesn't fit. I was too naive in thinking it wouldn't be a big deal. I was wrong. :lol: She gave me the cold shoulder the entire night last night. I wouldn't be surprised if this lasted weeks with her. I did decide to apologize for embarrassing her though, when being upbeat and trying to move on didn't work. Teens are not my area of expertise. :blink:

[Catwoman]

I've let it go as something she doesn't want at this time. :) My dilemma was partly over if I should be expected to buy something that clearly doesn't fit. She doesn't want one that fits. She doesn't want a shelf bra. She wants a 32 whether it fits or not. If that weren't a factor,there would have been no conflict in the first place. LOL Her caretakers don't see a problem in saying she needs a 32 because she wants one. They asked me to get her more, to help out. I wasn't willing to spend money on something that clearly, clearly doesn't fit. I was too naive in thinking it wouldn't be a big deal. I was wrong. :lol: She gave me the cold shoulder the entire night last night. I wouldn't be surprised if this lasted weeks with her. I did decide to apologize for embarrassing her though, when being upbeat and trying to move on didn't work. Teens are not my area of expertise. :blink:

 

 

Don't beat yourself up over this, RaeAnne. Your intentions were good and if your niece gave you the cold shoulder all night as a result, I don't think you should reward that behavior by rushing out to take her shopping.

 

Honestly, if you think her snotty attitude could last for weeks, I wouldn't recommend that you buy her anything at all. And FWIW, there's no way I would intentionally buy a size 32 bra for a kid who wears a girls size 8. If she wears it, she will look ridiculous.... and then she'll be mad at you all over again for having given her the wrong size bra. :rolleyes: