would you say something - people going through your stuff

[misty.warden]

Face cream is an extremely personal question? Yup, we really all do have different boundaries. *shrug* As far as medications, the bathroom cabinet is a bad place to keep it, humidity can really foul them up.

[Joker]

nor Wolf in my purse.

 

This reminds me that I obviously could care less about privacy (at least in regards to friends and family). I remember dh, when we were dating, taking my purse and acting like he was going to go through it. I didn't react and he seemed shocked when I told him I could care less if he looked through it. Our own comfort level in regards to privacy probably has a lot to do with the OP. I'm just not that interesting and don't care. :tongue_smilie:

[clarkacademy]

Yes it would bother me. I expect a guest to act as a guest in my home. I just feel people should ask instead of going in my stuff. To be truthful family or not they wouldn't be welcomed back here and I would have no issue telling them why. If my kiddos did it I would be ashamed of them. In my opinion it is all about respect and if you don't have it your not welcome.

[annandatje]

... As far as medications, the bathroom cabinet is a bad place to keep it, humidity can really foul them up.

 

:iagree: I learned that medication should be stored in refrigerator since it was low-light, low-humidity, cool storage space. I could probably count on two hands the number of times in our lives that our family has had prescription medications. I store perfume in refrigerator too if it is not bottle I'm currently using.

 

My dad would not go snooping for bills, but once they were left in plain view on desk. Whatever the bill or receipt amount was, he could have gotten it for less money. The running joke was that if I had gotten an item for free, he could have found someone to pay him to take it.

 

It's interesting to read the varying cultural takes on the issue. Communal living certainly colors one's stance on the issue.

[Impish]

Face cream is an extremely personal question? Yup, we really all do have different boundaries. *shrug* As far as medications, the bathroom cabinet is a bad place to keep it, humidity can really foul them up.

 

If it's been put away, it means that someone doesn't want you having ready acess to it, imo.

 

I just think it's disrespectful to go through someone's things. Esp when you readily admit you're being nosy.

[Melissa in Australia]

I totally agree w/you, other than the 'hospitality is not my gift' statement. I really think it's rude for a guest to be rifling through things. Not a lack of hospitality on the part of the host, but rather manners on the part of the guest.

 

:iagree:

[Melissa in Australia]

I'd be all over my children for that. They have to learn boundaries.

 

:iagree:

[Joanne]

 

 

 

Yet more proof of the strange dichotomy that is the internet. I have never met either of you, yet know a schocking amount of your personal history. But you wouldn't want someone you know well enough to invite into your home to know what meds you're on? I guess it must be that whole 'easier to talk to strangers' thing?

 

 

What a striking and convicting perspective. I see it differently, but you gave me something to think about.

 

Thank you.

 

[Jan in SC]

I can't remember the last time I visited someone that didn't have a guest bath. I certainly wouldn't rummage through drawers, but if I had an emergency, I would assume the host would be understanding if I needed something. If I had a niece, I wouldn't mind her going through my facial products. I would think it sweet! (That is probably just a woman with several nephews and sons romanticizing a girl in the house, though!)

[LostSurprise]

I consider this a family culture thing. There is a difference between someone looking for a needed (but not brought with) thing in an open, shared bathroom and someone going through your bedroom drawers or reading your mail.

 

We have one large shared bathroom. Anyone who I know well enough to stay at my house is welcome to look through the drawers or closet shelves for common items (soap, toothpaste, feminine products, bandaids, lotion, shampoo). I don't think its a good place for medications and I don't keep them there...or anything really personal other than my toothbrush. If you're using my toothbrush rather than the brand new ones in the 3rd drawer, yeah, that's a problem.

 

Now does this mean I go through other people's bathroom drawers? No. Just because I have an impersonal bathroom doesn't mean everyone else does. But I wouldn't expect a 13 year old to have thought that out. At 13, you're just beginning to realize that your family has its own goofy way of doing things. You don't always question the way things are done at your house.

[KathyBC]

I don't share everything, I edit my life, just as I'm sure others do as well.

 

And, no, it's nobody's biz what meds I'm on. My medical history is personal, private, and I'd like it to stay that way.

 

Yes, I'm open about having RSD, but I don't put all the ins and outs of my medical situation online, don't discuss it w/anyone outside of Wolf, etc.

 

Nobody's entitled to snoop through my house, potentially gleaning information I've chosen not to share w/them.

 

What a striking and convicting perspective. I see it differently, but you gave me something to think about.

 

Thank you.

 

 

Upon further reflection that wasn't a kind thing for me to say. Everyone's family experience is different, which colors our expectations.

[Joanne]

 

 

 

Upon further reflection that wasn't a kind thing for me to say. Everyone's family experience is different, which colors our expectations.

 

 

 

Well, I did bristle at the word "shocking" in the context of how I frame my history and participation here which now totals more than a decade.

 

But I understand how you can see it that way.

[KathyBC]

Well, I did bristle at the word "shocking" in the context of how I frame my history and participation here which now totals more than a decade.

 

But I understand how you can see it that way.

 

Fair enough. I tend to be melodramatic in my word choices and am constantly editing, but left in one adjective too many that time.

[TranquilMind]

 

Yet more proof of the strange dichotomy that is the internet. I have never met either of you, yet know a schocking amount of your personal history. But you wouldn't want someone you know well enough to invite into your home to know what meds you're on? I guess it must be that whole 'easier to talk to strangers' thing?

 

I gotta say that this caught my attention as well.

 

If it is in a bathroom to which they have access, I don't really think it is "off limits" unless I have told them so. If I had a problem with this, I would simply lock the drawer, or remove the valuable item. I'd probably buy her some of that lotion too.

 

You really don't know what happened unless she told you. She could have been looking for a tampon or pad. It could be unrelated to that incident that she likes your lotion.

[tex-mex]

OK, I'm going to confess -- I used to be nosy when I was young. I had too little supervision and probably too much time on my hands. My stepmother made a HUGE deal about my snooping ways, which was probably the right thing to do. It embarrassed me so much and made me so fearful of being caught that I simply stopped going into other people's belongings and never did it again.

 

One thing my stepmother did was sit me down and say, "Here's what's in my drawers. Look carefully. I'm going to show you everything so you don't need to snoop. If you want to know what's in a drawer or a cabinet, you can ask. But don't ever go into people's things without permission. It makes them not trust you and not want to have you in their home."

 

Depending on your relationship with your sister and niece, you might be doing the girl a favor by mentioning how uncomfortable this makes you. Left un-dealt-with, your niece could grow up thinking snooping around is perfectly acceptable behavior. I once fired a babysitter who went through our closets and drawers and told her why -- if she continued doing that, she would get fired from a real job, or suffer social consequences far worse than losing a little babysitting job. I hope she stopped.

:iagree:

 

Alas, I too was a busybody and loved to snoop thru other folk's stuff as a kid.

 

It would have been wonderful to have been told it was not socially acceptable to do this -- by an adult. Perhaps the OP can do so with kindness as a life lesson?

[Impish]

Again, I have *one* bathroom. If I'm having ppl over for dinner, I do NOT expect them to be rifling through the drawers, esp, as I've said earlier, that I keep extra potentially needed supplies in plain sight.

 

To clear everything personal out of the bathroom, b/c ppl are coming for dinner, seems to me to be ridiculous. This is *my* home, they're a guest, and should be respectful enough not to snoop.

 

I honestly don't see how an invite to dinner means my house is a free for all for ppl to dig through. Blech.

[Desert Rat]

Whenever my sister and her kids (16, 13, and 7) come over, I can tell the drawers in our bathroom have been gone through. It irks me, but I figured it was the kids and looked at it like "kids will be kids." There's nothing personal in our drawers so it's not like they're going to see anything interesting. I just don't know why it happens every. single. time. How exciting is toothpaste?? :confused1: :laugh:

 

Anyway, my sister told me that my niece really likes my lotion and wants to know where I got it. Well, that pretty much told me it's my niece (the 13 year old) that is definitely going through my drawers because I don't keep lotion out for someone to openly see. The only lotion I use is a face lotion and it's not cheap. So her using my expensive lotion doesn't make me too happy. :glare:

 

I really don't want to say anything because my niece is a sensitive kid, but I don't think she should be going through our drawers and using our stuff, you know?

 

How would you handle this?

 

How about emptying the drawers and leaving a note that says, "Shut this drawer right now!"

 

Sorry. I probably wouldn't do that myself, but it might be funny! :)

[Joanne]

I gotta say that this caught my attention as well.

 

 

What a poster *shares* and *offers* about their life is a choice.

 

The choice, which you may understandably disagree with, to share emerges from the individual.

 

A person, family member or not, going through drawers in a private space isn't responding to an offered share of information.

[Tammyla]

It would bother me...and your sister asking was (shaking my head) crazy...She had the perfect opportunity to tell her dd not to go into your stuff; it was not a get the shopping info moment.

 

I'd leave a note, but move the stuff and probably talk to sister or niece. You can be gentle, and it would be a kindness in the long run to learn to ask before taking and not to rifle through personal items.

[Melissa in Australia]

My bathroom cabinet doesn't have any hinges on the door, the door is sort of wedged there. we don't use the cabinet, except the door is a mirror. If someone tried to pry it opened it would fall out! It has been sitting there for 18 years. In fact until this thread I had completely forgotten about the hinges missing.

 

I have had one family that visited once who's daughter (around 12) would roam around the house looking into everything, including my bedroom. I don't like people going through my stuff.

[Candid]

Hmmm, since your sister asked (and opened the topic), I think I'd actually tell her. I'd say, "Oh, I got that at Nordstrom's! It's really great stuff -- let me know if she can't find any and I can try to find it online for you (ie, go out of your way to be nice about it). I don't know if you knew this, but I actually keep that in a drawer and it's pretty pricey, so maybe Katie could just ask next time she needs to borrow some moisturizer." (I'd say this on the phone; I probably wouldn't write it in an email.) I think it's okay for your sister to know her kid is rifling through your stuff -- I'd want to know!

OK, I'm going to confess -- I used to be nosy when I was young. I had too little supervision and probably too much time on my hands. My stepmother made a HUGE deal about my snooping ways, which was probably the right thing to do. It embarrassed me so much and made me so fearful of being caught that I simply stopped going into other people's belongings and never did it again. One thing my stepmother did was sit me down and say, "Here's what's in my drawers. Look carefully. I'm going to show you everything so you don't need to snoop. If you want to know what's in a drawer or a cabinet, you can ask. But don't ever go into people's things without permission. It makes them not trust you and not want to have you in their home." Depending on your relationship with your sister and niece, you might be doing the girl a favor by mentioning how uncomfortable this makes you. Left un-dealt-with, your niece could grow up thinking snooping around is perfectly acceptable behavior. I once fired a babysitter who went through our closets and drawers and told her why -- if she continued doing that, she would get fired from a real job, or suffer social consequences far worse than losing a little babysitting job. I hope she stopped.

If my DD were 13 years old and snooping, meaning opening a private drawer and using an aunt's lotion, I would be upset. For the niece's own good so that it doesn't become a habit as an adult, someone needs to talk to her gently. What if she gets a babysitting job in a couple of years and this habit extends to her employer's home? I don't even like it when DD goes into a store and touches everything, unless it's something we are planning to buy or need to try on. And in our case, if a toys indicates "Try Me."

 

This is a child and she needs to learn better and NOW since she is 13.

 

It's nice that some people don't care, but the facts are some do and that's why we have closed drawers and cupboards.

 

I mean what happens if no one calls her on this and it turns out Impish is her future boss who invites her over for dinner. Can you say pink slip?

[KungFuPanda]

Hospitality IS my gift. (It's ok, you can laugh based upon some of my blunt responses online.) IRL, though, I DO have manners and know how to make guests feel comfortable and welcome. I view the bathrooms as public space and don't keep things in there that I wouldn't want guests, or my own children, to see or use. People are in there alone, unsupervised, and maybe bored. I wouldn't set them up by having secret cool stuff a foot from their face then be outraged that they looked. If they need a tampon, or tweezers, a razor, aspirin, or a band-aid I don't want them to feel awkward about looking for it.

 

I keep personal things in my bedroom. I also don't use beauty products that are so expensive it would make me cringe that a guest tried them.

[Miss Mousie]

Confession time: I look at people's medicine cabinets and bathroom drawers, however taking it upon myself to use any of the things in there besides the hand soap never crossed my mind. Most of the time it's because I like to see how people organize their cabinets, partly because I'm just a nosy person and saying something like, "I noticed you use x face cream, I haven't tried it. Do you like it?" is a good ice breaker and I'm painful at starting face to face conversations.

 

Yikes. If I were distant enough from a host to need an ice-breaker, this would be about the *last* thing I'd think was a good one to try! :ohmy:

 

Well ... "last" is probably extreme. "I was reading your Will and noticed I'm not in it. What gives?" would probably be worse. :p

[Impish]

I don't see how expecting someone to respect privacy and not rummage through things is an unreasonable expectation at all.

 

I don't set up my house w/guests in mind, I set it up w/the ppl that live here in mind. Guests are an occasional thing.

 

And since I'm one of the pp mentioned who has difficulty w/family relationships, I've already stated that, at best, the 'family' we have around is familiar strangers, not a close knit group by any stretch of the imagination, so no doubt that impacts my expectation of privacy. We see family members once every few yrs, if that. Def not a situation of all inclusive free for all.

[TranquilMind]

'KungFuPanda':

Hospitality IS my gift. (It's ok, you can laugh based upon some of my blunt responses online.)

Lol (just kidding!)

 

IRL, though, I DO have manners and know how to make guests feel comfortable and welcome. I view the bathrooms as public space and don't keep things in there that I wouldn't want guests, or my own children, to see or use. People are in there alone, unsupervised, and maybe bored. I wouldn't set them up by having secret cool stuff a foot from their face then be outraged that they looked. If they need a tampon, or tweezers, a razor, aspirin, or a band-aid I don't want them to feel awkward about looking for it.

 

Hospitality is absolutely NOT my gift, but I totally agree with you. A bathroom used by guests is essentially a public space. If they need toilet paper or a tampon or something, they will look for it. I wouldn't rifle around in the drawers for fun, but you never know what someone might need in the bathroom. Sure, it is best if the person asks first, but sometimes that's awkward, like "Hey! I just started my period! Mind if I look for a pad or tampon??" Most people don't want to shout this across the house.

 

 

I keep personal things in my bedroom. I also don't use beauty products that are so expensive it would make me cringe that a guest tried them.

 

Yep.

[annandatje]

This is departing somewhat from original topic. When we lived in home with only one bathroom, the bathroom was stocked with towels, washcloths, bar soap, toilet paper, bathroom cleaners, and disposable feminine hygiene supplies for guests (residents used sea sponges or cloth pads). There was not enough space in bathroom for each person to store their own personal health and beauty aids; instead each resident kept their personal toiletries in a plastic shoebox type container in their own room. When they showered or bathed, they would bring their container into bathroom.

 

We now have 2 1/2 bathrooms downstairs and 2 bathrooms upstairs. The two full bathrooms downstairs are en suite. Some people are rather shy about others being able to hear their bathroom sounds, so guests are free to use the two downstairs en suite bathrooms. We host an annual backyard event attended by fifty or more people; using only the one 1/2 bath just wouldn't cut it.

[KathyBC]

This must be where we differ. I have no problem going in to my son's room and hanging up his clean clothes, or stuffing socks in his drawers-they're always hanging open, anyway! It's surely not the same as digging through your kids' stuff looking for diaries or contraband! Same goes for restocking bathroom drawers with supplies. If he wants a private spot to stash something, he has no qualms telling me to stay away from such-and-such place. That's just the way we've always raised him.

Also--our new house is much smaller, and has only one bathroom-so it really has to be a shared space for guests. It's also not connected to any bedrooms.

 

As to the OP--her niece and sister must feel very comfortable in the home, since they admitted to looking and using. If someone (not the OP specifically) wants to get their knickers in a twist and perhaps damage a family relationship, then go ahead and b*tch to them.That kind of ridiculous drama is not worth it to me, and from knowing the personal histories of some of the above posters--your family relationships really don't need any more hassles, to put it bluntly.

 

I agree with most of what you say. And initially I thought this was a strange disparity - internet openness, real-life guardedeness; but thinking about it for a bit, not all family relationships are close and caring. Which might mean a person would need to be *more* guarded with family than with strangers. I think most of the time we can choose to put family relationships above personal sensitivites, but sometimes that's just not a good option.

 

:leaving:

[ElizaG]

I totally agree w/you, other than the 'hospitality is not my gift' statement. I really think it's rude for a guest to be rifling through things. Not a lack of hospitality on the part of the host, but rather manners on the part of the guest.

I'd go beyond that, and say that a habit of going through the host's belongings shows either a disrespect or a "lack of gift" for the rules of hospitality (unless you're absolutely certain you're in a culture where that sort of thing is expected -- which, going by this thread, can't simply be assumed, at least in Canada and the United States).

 

By doing things that might offend or embarrass a host, nosy guests stand to weaken social bonds for everyone, because their behavior is likely to make the host less comfortable about entertaining in future -- and especially about giving spontaneous invitations. Who wants to have to go through their drawers and cabinets beforehand and stash away the things they'd rather not have people gawking at? I'd expect to have to do a bit of quick toddler-proofing if little children were coming over, but not the equivalent for grown-ups. :huh:

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I feel as if there are two levels of bathroom investigation being lumped together, and I don't think most people do see them the same.

 

The first level I see is a guest in the host's bathroom discreetly hunting around for something she needs rather than go without a necessity OR embarrass herself or others by asking for it. This is looking for toilet paper, feminine hygiene, a bandaid and antibiotic ointment, the plunger. I have zero problem with this.

 

The second level is studying the pill bottles in the medicine chest and trying out all the beauty products out of curiosity, burrowing to the back of the cupboards to see everything. That's just childish and rude, in my opinion and according to how I was raised. *That* is snooping. The first is not.

[Joanne]

I agree with most of what you say. And initially I thought this was a strange disparity - internet openness, real-life guardedeness; but thinking about it for a bit, not all family relationships are close and caring. Which might mean a person would need to be *more* guarded with family than with strangers. I think most of the time we can choose to put family relationships above personal sensitivites, but sometimes that's just not a good option.

 

:leaving:

 

 

 

I wasn't angry at your first post. Bristled, as I said.

 

But please don't make assumptions about close and caring and comfort level with people going through other people's drawers.

 

It's a stretch, and the assumption is a false, erroneous one.

 

There are plenty of posters in this thread who do not over share on these boards who have been calmly posting that a casual approach to sharing bathroom supplies and drawers is not in their comfort zone. It seems to be a common response; to pathologize it is a bit over the top.

[KathyBC]

 

 

I wasn't angry at your first post. Bristled, as I said.

 

But please don't make assumptions about close and caring and comfort level with people going through other people's drawers.

 

It's a stretch, and the assumption is a false, erroneous one.

 

There are plenty of posters in this thread who do not over share on these boards who have been calmly posting that a casual approach to sharing bathroom supplies and drawers is not in their comfort zone. It seems to be a common response; to pathologize it is a bit over the top.

 

 

 

Fer Pete's sake, ya know I actually wasn't talking about you specifically. My apologies once again. Yes, there does seem to be different comfort levels, something that surprised you. I wasn't trying to pathologize anyone. Sorry again.

[unsinkable]

 

 

Fer Pete's sake, ya know I actually wasn't talking about you specifically. My apologies once again. Yes, there does seem to be different comfort levels, something that surprised you. I wasn't trying to pathologize anyone. Sorry again.

 

 

:grouphug:

 

ah, Kathy, at least you didn't catastrophize anyone!

[JeneralMom]

I wouldn't mind someone going through the cabinets looking for an extra hand towel or something impersonal like that. I always leave extra TP and hand towels out when I know guests are coming. However, I would feel very uncomfortable with someone rummaging around inside cabinets to look for things like facial cream and then trying it out. Maybe I am weird that way, but I don't want other people's fingers in my things. And let's be honest, no one needs facial cream so badly that they have to hunt around someone else's personal belongings to find it. If you know you are someone who uses it alot you bring it with you. I would never take even an aspirin without asking my host first.

 

I have a great relationship with my aunt and used to spend a few weeks with her every summer but I would never have rummaged into her personal items. Now smelling perfume that was left out on the counter of a communal bathroom, I have done.

[Impish]

I wouldn't mind someone going through the cabinets looking for an extra hand towel or something impersonal like that. I always leave extra TP and hand towels out when I know guests are coming. However, I would feel very uncomfortable with someone rummaging around inside cabinets to look for things like facial cream and then trying it out. Maybe I am weird that way, but I don't want other people's fingers in my things. And let's be honest, no one needs facial cream so badly that they have to hunt around someone else's personal belongings to find it. If you know you are someone who uses it alot you bring it with you. I would never take even an aspirin without asking my host first.

 

I have a great relationship with my aunt and used to spend a few weeks with her every summer but I would never have rummaged into her personal items. Now smelling perfume that was left out on the counter of a communal bathroom, I have done.

:iagree:

[Mom0012]

I think it really depends on the circumstances. I can see certain instances where I would feel totally comfortable going through drawers in a host's bathroom and others where I wouldn't. At my parent's house, I have no qualms about going through their extra bathroom. It was mine as I was growing up and, even if it wasn't, it's there for guests. I would not go through their master bathroom. In my own home, I really wouldn't have any trouble with people going through the drawers in my guest/kid's bath (except maybe to feel a little embarassed about what a mess my kids have made in the toothpaste drawer!), but I would not like them to go through the bathroom attached to my bedroom or my bedroom drawers. I don't ever have anyone stay at my house that I'm not extremely close to, but I know others are obligated to host in-laws or family members they may not want to . Maybe the difference of opinion in this thread is more about how people's houses are set up and their relationships with their guests.

[Annie G]

Again, I have *one* bathroom. If I'm having ppl over for dinner, I do NOT expect them to be rifling through the drawers, esp, as I've said earlier, that I keep extra potentially needed supplies in plain sight.

 

To clear everything personal out of the bathroom, b/c ppl are coming for dinner, seems to me to be ridiculous. This is *my* home, they're a guest, and should be respectful enough not to snoop.

 

I honestly don't see how an invite to dinner means my house is a free for all for ppl to dig through. Blech.

 

 

 

My thoughts exactly. I do have a second bathroom upstairs, but the only downstairs bath is connected to my bedroom and only 20 feet from the living room/dining room. So guests use that one, of course.

 

A friend came over this spring- we were going to a show and we all met at my house...no meal, just meeting and leaving. She used my bathroom and came out and proudly announced to the room that she'd rummaged through my bathroom- said she does it at every house she goes to. She thought it was funny. I did not. She hasn't been invited back. I didn't really need the other 15 people there hearing that I'm using a progesterone cream or what size tampons I have under my sink.

[Impish]

 

 

My thoughts exactly. I do have a second bathroom upstairs, but the only downstairs bath is connected to my bedroom and only 20 feet from the living room/dining room. So guests use that one, of course.

 

A friend came over this spring- we were going to a show and we all met at my house...no meal, just meeting and leaving. She used my bathroom and came out and proudly announced to the room that she'd rummaged through my bathroom- said she does it at every house she goes to. She thought it was funny. I did not. She hasn't been invited back. I didn't really need the other 15 people there hearing that I'm using a progesterone cream or what size tampons I have under my sink.

 

That just boggles my brain. I do not get what goes through someone's head, making them think they're entitled to paw through someone's things. I mean, REALLY?!