plain jane Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 and had an out of control 18month old that completely prevented you from being able to do school with your kids, what would you do? I am so frustrated with my situation. My 18month old is non stop trouble. I don't want to go into great detail (can in PM if you want, but not sure why anybody would need this information) but suffice to say this child is non-stop, destructive and into everything. Did I mention non-stop? Child does not tolerate being on my lap while I work with the others. All I get is climbing up on the table and throwing everything, and I mean everything, within reach off the side of the table. Or tantrums. This child needs to be the center of attention and needs constant stimulation. Go-go-go doesn't even begin to describe it. We are not getting anything done. I am so embarrassed. And mad at myself. And simply frustrated with the whole situation. And exhausted by 5pm everyday and the kids have no work to show for it. Every day is simply basic survival. My house looks like a hurricane swept through it each and every single day and that is after I spend 2-3 hours every morning cleaning and tidying. I'm not exaggerating. I feel like all I do is pick up tossed toys, ripped books, empty glasses. Child can open child locks, doors, cupboards, you name it. There's not stopping this one. I haven't been able to find anyone to come in my home and help me out. (I don't blame them, most days I want to run away screaming). I do have the older kids rotate out watching the toddler but that's part of the reason they are behind and honestly, they're not always that great. They think they can take their eyes off this child for a moment and next thing I know there's milk all over the kitchen table, or the child and walls are covered in paint, or salt is spilled all over the floor and the 20 minutes I gained by having someone watch the child are lost in clean up. Do I just give up? Put everybody in school? Or just somehow accept the fact that we will never get to history or science this year and that it will be a miracle if the 3 kids get done their core subjects by June and be happy with that? I can't be happy with that. I want so much more for my kids' education. I feel so incompetent. Part of the thing is all 3 of them are capable of working above grade level and I've been told they'd be bored in regular schools. Sure, they would be working, which is more than they are doing here, but I don't know if that alone is reason enough to send them. Of course, I'm not able to provide them with much of anything lately as I'm so distracted and exhausted. Every time I divert child from one thing, it's on to the next. I don't think I can hold a complete thought for more than 4 seconds around here. They do some work independently. My 6th grader is doing well but the other two are young and easily distracted. Even my 6th grader, who is highly motivated, has been slacking because it seems that every day is so crazy around here nobody can think straight. What do I do? School or no school? I'm totally failing these kids right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 "Fail" is such a strong word for a Mama who really cares about her kids and their education. I mean that. Looking at options doesn't mean you've failed. It just means you are looking at options. I know you've had threads before about how to manage your little one, so I won't go through those suggestions again. The point is, whatever you may or may not have tried, your older children are not being educated according to your standards. Even more to the point, you can see that school, while far from ideal, would get them closer to your own standards than you can at this particular moment in time. Jane, I'd put them in school. They need to be advancing, somewhere, and you need one less full-time responsibility. That is my opinion, and I hope you understand that I don't say it to condemn you and I don't agree that you are a failure. We all have times in family life where we have to make some sort of big change for the good of everybody...and being willing to make necessary changes is what makes good parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Playpen? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Is it possible to find a mother's morning out program or a preschool program for the toddler for at least part of the week? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Double post. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 "Fail" is such a strong word for a Mama who really cares about her kids and their education. I mean that. Looking at options doesn't mean you've failed. It just means you are looking at options. I know you've had threads before about how to manage your little one, so I won't go through those suggestions again. The point is, whatever you may or may not have tried, your older children are not being educated according to your standards. Even more to the point, you can see that school, while far from ideal, would get them closer to your own standards than you can at this particular moment in time. Jane, I'd put them in school. They need to be advancing, somewhere, and you need one less full-time responsibility. That is my opinion, and I hope you understand that I don't say it to condemn you and I don't agree that you are a failure. We all have times in family life where we have to make some sort of big change for the good of everybody...and being willing to make necessary changes is what makes good parents. :iagree: OR, playen and a sturdy high chair. But I think we went there before and you are here, again with this particular problem. So. I agree with Tibbie. And you are not a failure for putting them in. Sometimes life is just that overwhelming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plain jane Posted November 28, 2012 Author Share Posted November 28, 2012 Playpen? Nope. Child climbs out and lands on head on hardwood. Unfortunately not hard enough to render temporarily unconscious. (I'm totally kidding about the last part!!!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plain jane Posted November 28, 2012 Author Share Posted November 28, 2012 drugs..or booze For me or the child?? LOL I have come to terms with the busy-ness of it all but now it's the lack of schooling that is stressing me out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Can you clean out a room that you can monitor? Cover the power outlets and put his safe toys in there. Then put up two baby gates, one over the other, so he can't escape. Just let him play. Your older kids can take turns being in there with him. You can spend time in there with him. It won't hurt him, just think of it as a giant playpen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KRG Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 This was(is) our house--mine is now 2 and has not slowed down a bit. My mom volunteered to keep him a couple of days during the week. She has been my saving grace. I was ready to put my oldest in school, the baby in daycare and go back to work. He pushes me to my limit everyday....Do you have someone nearby that can take the baby or the means to put him in a MDO program? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brendag Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 I told my friends that if they needed to test out their baby/child proofing, just let me know and I would bring over my b/g twins. I had a 2 yr old climber as well who I caught swinging from the dining room chandelier in the time it took for me to take a quick restroom break so I get it. I don't know if this is even an option for you, but I put pull locks on all lower cupboards and doorknob covers on all doors. All outlets had the sliding covers instead of those ones that you can pull out. That is a rough time with kids who are on the go! Wishing you the best with whatever you decide. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.Balaban Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Is there any way you can adjust your schedule? I mean, either you are going to have to lax your standards (within reason) or send the kids to school. Sorry, this sounds so difficult... :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plain jane Posted November 28, 2012 Author Share Posted November 28, 2012 Is there any way you can adjust your schedule? I mean, either you are going to have to lax your standards (within reason) or send the kids to school. Sorry, this sounds so difficult... :grouphug: We've started trying to do school on weekends when daddy is home but the kids hate that we miss out on family time. Also, they have activities on weekends so it's not as ideal a solution as I would like. But, it's a start. I just wish there were more weekend days. LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plain jane Posted November 28, 2012 Author Share Posted November 28, 2012 We've started trying to do school on weekends when daddy is home but the kids hate that we miss out on family time. Also, they have activities on weekends so it's not as ideal a solution as I would like. But, it's a start. I just wish there were more weekend days. LOL Can you clean out a room that you can monitor? Cover the power outlets and put his safe toys in there. Then put up two baby gates, one over the other, so he can't escape. Just let him play. Your older kids can take turns being in there with him. You can spend time in there with him. It won't hurt him, just think of it as a giant playpen. No. That's the problem. I don't. Every room has a bunkbed and those are not a good mix with this little one. There is no easy solution here. I don't feel good about sending the kids to school. I really don't. But I'm not happy with how things are at home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KRG Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Another thing that we do is school outside. We have a huge fenced in backyard. He can run and play and ride his little scooter while we sit on the deck and have school. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juniper Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 I couldn't send you a PM! (((((hugs)))) Is there a K12 charter where you live? What about Time4learning.com? Just to give you some tracks for a season. (((((hugs)))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 If kiddo still takes a nap, you could do whatever schoolwork you REALLY need to get done or REALLY need to have their attention on a subject. :grouphug: I hope you can find a solution soon! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 "Fail" is such a strong word for a Mama who really cares about her kids and their education. I mean that. Looking at options doesn't mean you've failed. It just means you are looking at options. I know you've had threads before about how to manage your little one, so I won't go through those suggestions again. The point is, whatever you may or may not have tried, your older children are not being educated according to your standards. Even more to the point, you can see that school, while far from ideal, would get them closer to your own standards than you can at this particular moment in time. Jane, I'd put them in school. They need to be advancing, somewhere, and you need one less full-time responsibility. That is my opinion, and I hope you understand that I don't say it to condemn you and I don't agree that you are a failure. We all have times in family life where we have to make some sort of big change for the good of everybody...and being willing to make necessary changes is what makes good parents. I think you're only failing them you continue in the pattern that's causing so much stress for you and so little work for them. I agree with Tibbie. School might turn out to be a great option for the near future while you're dealing with your toddler. You can focus, the kids get to have a new experience and your toddler gets needed attention. Sending them to school isn't a failure, it's a perfectly reasonable and good choice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 I can sooooooo see Boo being this kidlet in 6 mths. And then there'll be another one. And now I want booze and can't have it. *cries* I'm wondering about sensory activities. Is there any that might keep him interested for a bit, that you can rotate in and out? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Instead of putting your older kids in school, can you put the little one in daycare or at a babysitter's home for part of the day on school days? I don't see why your older kids should suffer because the little one can't seem to behave. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Instead of putting your older kids in school, can you put the little one in daycare or at a babysitter's home for part of the day on school days? I don't see why your older kids should suffer because the little one can't seem to behave. An 18 mos old in daycare?? My sister is a daycare worker and has little good to say about putting kids that young in daycare. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meggie Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Plain Jane, it says you can't receive any PMs. But I do have something to discuss privately, so could you please PM me? (It's nothing weird) Thank you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 pssst. clear out yer PMs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 An 18 mos old in daycare?? My sister is a daycare worker and has little good to say about putting kids that young in daycare. I was a daycare worker for years. I don't think daycare will help baby learn to be calmer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 An 18 mos old in daycare?? My sister is a daycare worker and has little good to say about putting kids that young in daycare. I was a daycare worker for years. I don't think daycare will help baby learn to be calmer. I'm not a big fan of daycare, either, but Jane seems like she's at the end of her rope, and she seems to need a break from her little one, both for the benefit of being able to homeschool her other kids, and for her own personal sanity. I would prefer to see her choose a nice babysitter for the little one, so the kid would get more one-on-one attention, but there might be an excellent daycare center in her area that would be safe and pleasant for her little one to visit for a few hours each day. Why would it matter if the daycare center or babysitter didn't help the baby learn to be calmer? The kid isn't learning it at home, either, so what's the difference? I can't think of any other solutions that don't involve putting her other kids in school, and that seems pretty unfair, since they have done nothing wrong. I could recommend all sorts of behavior modification techniques for Jane to try with her little one, but I'm sure she has already tried it all before, and things are still out of control. Some kids are just plain exhausting, and it sounds like Jane has one of them. I'm not sure what else to suggest she do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KRG Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 I don't want to start a daycare debate(I've stayed home with both of mine) but probably half the kids in America have been in daycare since they were 6 weeks old. Then there are preschool programs for toddlers. They are only a couple of days a week for a few hours. I suggested MDO(Mother's Day Out) because it sounds like mom needs a break here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fischerl Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Can you hire a local homeschooled teen to take him to a nearby park for the morning, while you work with your older kids? By the time he comes home and eats lunch, maybe he'll be tired enough to take a nap or at least sit and watch Mr. Rogers re-runs. :) Or, maybe that's the time that he gets your undivided attention, in a good way. I don't see how old your other kids are, but can they do some of their work independently while you play with your toddler? This is a tough situation, but as mentioned above, it will pass. Get him into sports at an early age, so he has something productive to do with all that energy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shinyhappypeople Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Instead of putting your older kids in school, can you put the little one in daycare or at a babysitter's home for part of the day on school days? I don't see why your older kids should suffer because the little one can't seem to behave. I like this idea. Jane, how is he with strangers? If he's a social person, this might be a win-win situation. This isn't about changing him, just about giving you and the older kids a bit of a break. Good luck with whatever you decide. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Is it possible to find a mother's morning out program or a preschool program for the toddler for at least part of the week? This is what I choose for my 2 year old our first year of homeschooling. It was a lifesaver for me and the boys, and the toddler loved it. Looking back five years later, I have no regrets. She was in a small, mother's day out type church preschool program part-time. It was absolutely not a daycare center. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nmoira Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 I'd consider half-day daycare or a mother's helper. I know it's not AP, or hardcore super-woman, but so be it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Georgiana Daniels Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 ((hugs)) We put our oldest into public high school when the little ones were at that active age (and only 15 months apart) because it was best for her. It's really hard to learn Algebra when someone is chucking blocks at your head. Our daughter turned out great, though her high school education was lacking. If I had to do it over again, I'd have tried to work around the situation at home because time does pass quickly and soon the block-throwing/little terror phase ends. You will have plenty of time with the kids as they grow to work through summers or whatever in order to catch them up. Remember, there's a reason you have a bad feeling about putting the kids in school. Listen to your mama-gut feeling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Buckle toddler into high chair or stroller or backpack or hip-sitting sling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 I'm not a big fan of daycare, either, but Jane seems like she's at the end of her rope, and she seems to need a break from her little one, both for the benefit of being able to homeschool her other kids, and for her own personal sanity. I would prefer to see her choose a nice babysitter for the little one, so the kid would get more one-on-one attention, but there might be an excellent daycare center in her area that would be safe and pleasant for her little one to visit for a few hours each day. Why would it matter if the daycare center or babysitter didn't help the baby learn to be calmer? The kid isn't learning it at home, either, so what's the difference? I can't think of any other solutions that don't involve putting her other kids in school, and that seems pretty unfair, since they have done nothing wrong. I could recommend all sorts of behavior modification techniques for Jane to try with her little one, but I'm sure she has already tried it all before, and things are still out of control. Some kids are just plain exhausting, and it sounds like Jane has one of them. I'm not sure what else to suggest she do. Why is school unfair or a punishment for something they've done wrong? The only argument against it that Jane offered is that her kids wouldn't be doing the work they're capable of but shucks, her problem is that they're not doing that now. School might turn out to be a good experience, giving the kids some structured time and a bit of freedom from having to help with the baby. School might not be the answer but I don't think it's should be dismissed so quickly or seen only in a negative light. It merits some investigation at least. That said, daycare probably shouldn't be excluded quickly either but personally, I just think babies need their moms at that point and that need is at least as important as school work for the older kids.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 The problem I see with this ongoing issue is that not only are your older children not getting educated, but it seems you are spending all of your time cleaning up and just...surviving instead of being proactive in teaching your 18mo how to behave better. You owe your kids an education and you owe your baby the time and attention that is required to train him to function properly in your household. I would get really realistic about setting a definite deadline for getting his behavior under control...meaning learning how to sit in a highchair, learning to sit next to you and do playdough, blocks, chunky beads, learning to lay down and rest with music or a tv program on... Then if you can't get his behavior under control by that date then you need to send your other kids back to school. An unruly toddler left to run amok in the household is going to turn into an unruly child who expects to rule the household. I would set a deadline for Christmas. Create a schedule for doing the basics for your other children...math, reading, writing and write up a schedule for doing the work during the day. Explain to your other dc that while the work is important the main goal is to get the 18 mo to learn how to behave while you all are doing school. I'd also let your older dc (if they are 9-10 or older) that their staying home is dependent on if you can get 18mo to behave and letting 18mo get into things during their "watch" isn't going to help their cause. Things that worked for us: *Start the day with an activity you do with the 18mo. About 20 minutes. *Next 18mo sits next to you in the highchair and colors, strings big penne pasta or chunky beads, or plays with playdough. Rotate through those things until you've gotten at least 30 minutes. *Next have an older child play fetch or tag...something to get his heart racing. And if older child allows 18mo to pour salt across the floor older child would be cleaning it up. *Now, stick 18mo in the bathtub with a couple cups of non toxic poster paint and a paintbrush and let him paint himself while you work with someone on the bathroom floor. *After this a nice bubble bath would be relaxing for 18mo while you work with others on the bathroom floor (or doing math on the bathroom mirror with dry erase is fun) *Let 18mo eat lunch now, in his highchair, while you work with someone. *Spend another 20 minutes with just him doing something fun or relaxing. *Now it's time for rest time. If he won't nap and won't lay quietly alone then put him on the couch with a pillow and blanket and put on music, an audio book, or a tv program or movie. Have one of your older children sit with him. After that he could spend another period of time in the highchair. All of that should allow you to get the basics done. Of course you have to get him to do all of these things and that is a matter of training him with consistency and repetition. You must be devoted to sticking with it. If he gets up from the couch during his rest time you put him back....over and over and over again, day after day. If your routine is the same each and every day he will eventually get it. I know it feels frustrating, out of control, and that you can't catch a breath but barring any medical\emotional\chemical issues with your 18mo, YOU have the ability and power to set the tone for your household. You are the parent and you have to take charge and make things happen. I hope you don't take any of this as insensitive...just realistic. I've been the one with out of control dc and it's extremely soul crushing at times. The best advice I received was that which made me realize that I needed to make some hard decisions, suck it up, and get tough. I owed that to my kids. :grouphug: . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Staggering shifts? Get the big kids up at five am and let toddler sleep in? Or put toddler to bed and do schoolwork with the bigs until midnight? With a super active on-the-go toddler, I wouldn't have any heartburn putting him in a half day daycare or baby sitter if you can find one. He will most likely enjoy the stimulation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 The problem I see with this ongoing issue is that not only are your older children not getting educated, but it seems you are spending all of your time cleaning up and just...surviving instead of being proactive in teaching your 18mo how to behave better. You owe your kids an education and you owe your baby the time and attention that is required to train him to function properly in your household. I would get really realistic about setting a definite deadline for getting his behavior under control...meaning learning how to sit in a highchair, learning to sit next to you and do playdough, blocks, chunky beads, learning to lay down and rest with music or a tv program on... Then if you can't get his behavior under control by that date then you need to send your other kids back to school. An unruly toddler left to run amok in the household is going to turn into an unruly child who expects to rule the household. I would set a deadline for Christmas. Create a schedule for doing the basics for your other children...math, reading, writing and write up a schedule for doing the work during the day. Explain to your other dc that while the work is important the main goal is to get the 18 mo to learn how to behave while you all are doing school. I'd also let your older dc (if they are 9-10 or older) that their staying home is dependent on if you can get 18mo to behave and letting 18mo get into things during their "watch" isn't going to help their cause. Things that worked for us: *Start the day with an activity you do with the 18mo. About 20 minutes. *Next 18mo sits next to you in the highchair and colors, strings big penne pasta or chunky beads, or plays with playdough. Rotate through those things until you've gotten at least 30 minutes. *Next have an older child play fetch or tag...something to get his heart racing. And if older child allows 18mo to pour salt across the floor older child would be cleaning it up. *Now, stick 18mo in the bathtub with a couple cups of non toxic poster paint and a paintbrush and let him paint himself while you work with someone on the bathroom floor. *After this a nice bubble bath would be relaxing for 18mo while you work with others on the bathroom floor (or doing math on the bathroom mirror with dry erase is fun) *Let 18mo eat lunch now, in his highchair, while you work with someone. *Spend another 20 minutes with just him doing something fun or relaxing. *Now it's time for rest time. If he won't nap and won't lay quietly alone then put him on the couch with a pillow and blanket and put on music, an audio book, or a tv program or movie. Have one of your older children sit with him. After that he could spend another period of time in the highchair. All of that should allow you to get the basics done. Of course you have to get him to do all of these things and that is a matter of training him with consistency and repetition. You must be devoted to sticking with it. If he gets up from the couch during his rest time you put him back....over and over and over again, day after day. If your routine is the same each and every day he will eventually get it. I know it feels frustrating, out of control, and that you can't catch a breath but barring any medical\emotional\chemical issues with your 18mo, YOU have the ability and power to set the tone for your household. You are the parent and you have to take charge and make things happen. I hope you don't take any of this as insensitive...just realistic. I've been the one with out of control dc and it's extremely soul crushing at times. The best advice I received was that which made me realize that I needed to make some hard decisions, suck it up, and get tough. I owed that to my kids. :grouphug: . I'm saving this because I'm just about at that point with my own baby. Excellent post. And the bolded is an excellent point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Why is school unfair or a punishment for something they've done wrong? The only argument against it that Jane offered is that her kids wouldn't be doing the work they're capable of but shucks, her problem is that they're not doing that now. School might turn out to be a good experience, giving the kids some structured time and a bit of freedom from having to help with the baby. School might not be the answer but I don't think it's should be dismissed so quickly or seen only in a negative light. It merits some investigation at least. That said, daycare probably shouldn't be excluded quickly either but personally, I just think babies need their moms at that point and that need is at least as important as school work for the older kids.. I dismissed the school idea because it doesn't sound like Jane wants to send her kids to school, and I was simply thinking that the older kids outnumber the little one, so why should the little one get to be the House Dictator, whose desires are put above everyone else's? Honestly, this isn't the first time that Jane has posted about this child, and she really seems overwhelmed at this point, so I think a few hours a day without the little one might go a long way toward helping her feel more positive and hopeful again. In reality, the solution is that the little one needs to learn how to behave, but that doesn't seem to be happening, so I'm not sure things would be any different for Jane if the older kids went to school. It sounds as though the little one will exhaust her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Excellent post, Aime! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amo_mea_filiis. Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 5littlemonkies- I wish i had someone like you telling me how to handle ds between 18mo-2yrs! Special needs or not, i think we could have been in a little different place right now if i had real advice! Op-there ARE baby proofing products that work! I had my home baby proofed for ds until he was 5. It is doable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meriwether Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 A friend of mine had a really difficult child. She ended up putting the older kids in school for a semester. She spent that semester building a stronger relationship with the younger child and training him to be calmer. She also enrolled him in a two day per week program. The older kids are home again. The little guy is much calmer. He still does his program, so they have time without him, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatholicMom Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Yikes. I kind of feel your pain. 18 months old is a super hard age. Mine is 19 months right now and doesn't sound *quite* as exhausting as yours, but if left unto herself it would get very bad, very quickly. My living room is where I can put her and not worry about her too much. She might make a mess but it won't be the end of the world, and it will likely be books or toys on the floor, not salt or juice. What I did before she was BORN (I was pro-active this time, as she is my 5th) was buy an EXTRA TALL baby gate. This thing is metal, not flimsy wood or plastic, and is literally 4 feet-ish high so if you get all chairs and things out of the room that they can slide over to step on, this thing is pretty impossible to climb. If you don't already have one, I think you need a room where you can leave baby without the room being destroyed or baby being unsafe. If baby has the run of the house, that is probably causing you a lot of grief. Sometimes they will scream bloody murder if you gate them off, but they have to learn, and you can't be this exhausted mentally & emotionally. I agree with others that there *may* be a discipline issue, as well. 18 month olds are just learning where the limits are and so you have to make sure to set them. But you also have to pick your battles. E.g. salt... I keep it out of reach. I have good books out of reach so they don't get ripped, etc. BUT some things she has to learn to listen when I say "no." E.g. Christmas ornaments. I put my tree up the other day and I spent time showing her she could touch each ornament with one finger and say "niiiiiiiice." lol If she grabs it or pulls it, or even touches it with her whole hand, she gets a smack on the hand. She got the picture quickly. Some kids, this is going to take some serious training for a day or 2. But they will get it. So I just think you have to know where to draw the line. Another example where I draw the line is fits. I say "no fits" from the time they start having them. Again, you have to have a specific plan of attack and know when to discipline and when not to. My philosophy is if they are crying out of sadness, wanting comfort, wanting food, etc, etc, or if you aren't sure, I err on the side of letting them cry/scream (whilst obviously trying to fix the problem). But if there is any leg-kicking (I'm talking for a year-and-a-half old, obviously, not a newborn) or hitting or angry faces, you know it's a rebellious "fit" and you need to shut it down with physical discipline. It usually doesn't take that much... just consistency for them to get the picture. Do not allow rebellious crying/screaming. I totally get not feeling like doing it, but I also know that any laziness in this area just bites you in the butt and you're more exhausted for not doing it than if you muster up the energy to do it. So what I would do as your last-ditch efforts to get things under control are: 1) take an official break from school and do some baby-training. Don't even worry about school and literally think of it like training. Use cue words like "no fits" consistently. Discipline when needed and ever. single. time. Choose your battles, but if X are off-limits, they are always off-limits. Don't even say "no" unless you really mean it and are going to insist baby obeys when you say it. When you do say no, make sure baby listens. Do some positive role-playing with exaggerated voice and faces to show baby how to behave (sharing and saying "here you go!" or just "here!" cheerfully, saying "OK mama" when you tell baby to do something, saying "sorry," etc). I don't know if you already do this, but it really helps if you keep it up. 2) do some research and upgrade the baby-proofing. If you tell us your key problems (like you can't find a gate wide enough for an opening, or you have a weird cupboard that you can't lock up, let us know and maybe we can help you find something that will work). You might have to even move some furniture OUT of the one room where you need baby to be less tempted. It's time to get radical. I wouldn't spend time & energy training baby to stay out of things you can just lock up or get out of the one room where you can put baby. 3) find a way to do school while baby is in someone else's care. It seems clear that you don't want to put your kids in school and you shouldn't have to if it's not what you want. Especially since these "toddler years" are so short term, in the grande scheme, I would hate for you to do something you're going to be really unhappy with. So I say either get a in-house babysitter and tell them baby is ALL theirs for 3 hours (or whatever) and you will be there if you're really needed, OR wait to do school when dh can watch baby and take your other kids to the library and do school there to ensure you won't be distracted by baby. I have thought recently about doing this myself, for the noise-factor if nothing else. That would be hard if you like to see dh when he's home but you might be happier overall because of the much-needed break from baby for a few hours, plus you will feel better about actually getting some school done... so it might be worth it. Or find a day care. I am normally NOT pro-day care so I would consider a family member babysitter or an in-house babysitter first, but when you really need it, maybe day care (even only a few days a week for a few hours) can get you through this tough time. These are the 3 things I would do. And I know you are probably so exhausted you don't feel like tackling ANY of it but if you could just psyche yourself up and commit to making some big changes, I bet you would see some results and feel like you can breathe again... without putting your kids in ps just because little sibling is driving you batty right now. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TXMomof4 Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Look at local churches for a good MDO program. Dh was deployed when ds was 2 and it was a lifesaver for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caraway Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 I have a 20 mo old, who is fairly well behaved, and things are chaos. I can't imagine training her as some have suggested. I am trying not to let her rule our lives, but she is a baby. I am thinking that a mother's helper would make a tremendous difference. Or a nap and six mos of grace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tabrizia Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Some 18 month olds are easier then others. Honestly I would look for a Mother's Helper or a good MDO type program for a few days a week. Then again I am sad that DS2 is no longer attending his daycare after Friday because there is no room for him, so I may be biased. He is well taken care of there, he loves his "teachers", the baby/worker ratio is just as low as is it as home, and he gets to do all sorts of things there is no way he will get to do once he is home, because I just can't deal with it with his big brother around. Sometimes yes a MDO type program can help, even for just a few hours a week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petrichor Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 I would suggest a nice small home daycare a couple times/week, especially if you can find a daycare/babysitter that you like a lot. Do you have a church or something similar that you could find trustworthy people through? Is it possible to take him outdoors to let him run wild (within the confines of a baseball diamond or something similar) for at least an hour per day? Or an indoor playground? Or a community center that offers toddler gym sessions? You could potentially hire a homeschooled high schooler or a college student to take him out while you get some sane time with the olders. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meggie Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Ok, I don't know that I have any helpful advice for the OP, but *hugs* Digby has always been a handful. Thoughts of him sitting in a high chair, stringing pasta or coloring at 18 months is just not how he was. He was an escape artist, pure and simple. There was no baby proofing that he couldn't handle. I will admit that when he was a toddler, I gave up. Just let him do whatever. There was no "training" or "discipline" Honestly, he was such a crazy kid that I don't think it would have done any good. All I could do was follow after him and clean up after him and keep him safe. Only when he was three did he mellow out a tiny bit. Since then I've been able to discipline him a little at a time. Now he can sit in a chair for a few minutes. Now he can play with Legos (supervised) without throwing them. Now he will color. Now he knows to not destroy books, movies, pencils, furniture, etc. I know it sounds like I was just lazy, but I swear, my first kid was easy at 18 months. Digby was not. I am with the recommendation to either put the toddler with a babysitter for a few hours a day or put the olders in school until the youngest has calmed down and is trainable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 "Fail" is such a strong word for a Mama who really cares about her kids and their education. I mean that. Looking at options doesn't mean you've failed. It just means you are looking at options. I know you've had threads before about how to manage your little one, so I won't go through those suggestions again. The point is, whatever you may or may not have tried, your older children are not being educated according to your standards. Even more to the point, you can see that school, while far from ideal, would get them closer to your own standards than you can at this particular moment in time. Jane, I'd put them in school. They need to be advancing, somewhere, and you need one less full-time responsibility. That is my opinion, and I hope you understand that I don't say it to condemn you and I don't agree that you are a failure. We all have times in family life where we have to make some sort of big change for the good of everybody...and being willing to make necessary changes is what makes good parents. :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: it takes courage to make that first step, but putting them in school does NOT mean that you've failed them. I think you've been too stressed out and overwhelmed for too long now. I think school maybe a good break for all of you. It doesn't have to be forever. FWIW, my boys were put in school in 9th and 5th grade, as were the girls in first and preschool. I pulled dd9 out after weeks, pulled dd12 out after a year and a half. ds20 did dual enrollment when he was a junior. :) There are options. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caraway Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 What about tutors? Would you consider tutors for the older kids? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymilkies Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 This was SO my toddler (and preschooler!) until about a month ago. Things are finally getting easier, though now the terrible twos are on full force. I almost put my kids in school. I'm glad I didn't. I feel like things are much better after getting over that hurdle. My youngest didn't let me read to the other kids for the first two years of her life. No joke. On my better days, i considered candy dishes of baby valium being left around my house (Don't worry i didn't/wouldn't do it! Driven crazy mama fantasies!). We lived off of audiobooks and dh taking dd out of the house so I could read to them. Pinterest toddler ideas and spending most of my morning with the littles has made a huge improvement. I make them sick of me first thing and then I sic an older kid on them as chaperone and rotate through. I have been training my kids to be more independent and self-starting through the usage of better programs and bribes. :lol. We still have bad days, but they're getting much better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 I couldn't send you a PM! (((((hugs)))) Is there a K12 charter where you live? What about Time4learning.com? Just to give you some tracks for a season. (((((hugs)))) YES!!! GREAT idea! Have them do school online while you tend to the little one! Or at least take several subjects away to lighten your load. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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