Janie Grace Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 I was at a party tonight, a small gathering of young moms and several older moms. The moms of young kids (1 or 2 kids, under 5) just seem to TALK and TALK and TALK incessantly... about their kids' antics and intelligence, about their labors and births, and about how they do everything as mothers. Sometimes someone would pose a question ("how do you handle...") and immediately the young moms jump in with all the answers. I have five kids. I have been around the block a few times and I think I have helpful experience and insight. I'm not thinking I know it all or am some fount of wisdom, but seriously... it's bizarre that none of them even think to look to me or any of the BTDT moms. I hardly open my mouth because to do so, I'd have to talk on top of someone else, which I think is rude. Maybe the young moms see us older moms as out of touch (it's not like I had little ones eons ago -- I still have a toddler!) :glare: I wonder if I was this talkative/know-it-all-ish when I was 25 and had 2 kids... maybe I was and I just don't remember. Sheesh. Rant over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jpoy85 Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 That happens at my MOPS meetings too. I feel like because i have an almost 5yr old, they dont ask me any questions but sometimes i just jump in the convo because thats the only way to get heard! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hellen Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Maybe the moms with younger kids are just starved for adult conversation. Unfortunately the topic they know best are their kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Hm... My experience when I was in that stage of new babies was that the moms of older kids were mostly very ho-hum about giving advice or were a bit condescending about it. Not with everyone I knew, but I often felt a little bored sigh whenever I tried to talk about my experiences as a new parent with them. People who were at the same stage as me, having the same emotions and new discoveries were much more engaged in the conversation and interested to talk about that stuff, you know? I feel the same thing with homeschoolers of older kids. When I was first starting out and would meet people with older kids, I would excitedly be like, "We're homeschooling too!" and want to ask questions and chat and people would often give me this look that was clearly like, why are you talking to me. But people new to homeschooling always wanted to chat too. I guess it's more about being synced up in your life stage and feeling a camaraderie in a shared experience than thinking you know it all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Maybe the moms with younger kids are just starved for adult conversation. Unfortunately the topic they know best are their kids. :iagree: I think this is it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Maybe the moms with younger kids are just starved for adult conversation. Unfortunately the topic they know best are their kids. Well, very true too. I found it took ages to find parents who shared my interest in books, movies, etc. but it's always easy to talk about kids. Always. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2hunangirls Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 And it's newer to them. I don't think they think olders don't know but more that they don't know what they don't know. I'm new to being the older mom and I see the same thing but I think it's just new and fresh for them. What only-child 4 yr old isn't the smartest ever??? It's fun. I giggle listening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Maybe the moms with younger kids are just starved for adult conversation. Unfortunately the topic they know best are their kids. :iagree: That could be true. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snow Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 People who were at the same stage as me, having the same emotions and new discoveries were much more engaged in the conversation and interested to talk about that stuff, you know? I feel the same thing with homeschoolers of older kids. When I was first starting out and would meet people with older kids, I would excitedly be like, "We're homeschooling too!" and want to ask questions and chat and people would often give me this look that was clearly like, why are you talking to me. But people new to homeschooling always wanted to chat too.. :iagree: this is my experience too. Very well said, Farrar. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Maybe the moms with younger kids are just starved for adult conversation. Unfortunately the topic they know best are their kids. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momtoamiracle Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Hm... My experience when I was in that stage of new babies was that the moms of older kids were mostly very ho-hum about giving advice or were a bit condescending about it. Not with everyone I knew, but I often felt a little bored sigh whenever I tried to talk about my experiences as a new parent with them. People who were at the same stage as me, having the same emotions and new discoveries were much more engaged in the conversation and interested to talk about that stuff, you know? I feel the same thing with homeschoolers of older kids. When I was first starting out and would meet people with older kids, I would excitedly be like, "We're homeschooling too!" and want to ask questions and chat and people would often give me this look that was clearly like, why are you talking to me. But people new to homeschooling always wanted to chat too. I guess it's more about being synced up in your life stage and feeling a camaraderie in a shared experience than thinking you know it all. I found that to be true too when I was at that stage. It was like they had the attitude - been there, done that, don't want to hear you talk about it. OR, they would go on and on about what THEIR kids did, and I didn't want to hear about their kids, that were now grown. And since I only have one and all of my other friends have mroe than that, they would be pretty condescending and acted like I was even a mother. So yeah, I gravitated more to those who still had just a baby... and I agree about the adult conversation thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AFwife Claire Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 I was at a party tonight, a small gathering of young moms and several older moms. The moms of young kids (1 or 2 kids, under 5) just seem to TALK and TALK and TALK incessantly... about their kids' antics and intelligence, about their labors and births, and about how they do everything as mothers. Sometimes someone would pose a question ("how do you handle...") and immediately the young moms jump in with all the answers. I have five kids. I have been around the block a few times and I think I have helpful experience and insight. I'm not thinking I know it all or am some fount of wisdom, but seriously... it's bizarre that none of them even think to look to me or any of the BTDT moms. I hardly open my mouth because to do so, I'd have to talk on top of someone else, which I think is rude. Maybe the young moms see us older moms as out of touch (it's not like I had little ones eons ago -- I still have a toddler!) :glare: I wonder if I was this talkative/know-it-all-ish when I was 25 and had 2 kids... maybe I was and I just don't remember. Sheesh. Rant over. I have also noticed this in groups I have been in. I am definitely straddling both worlds, since my oldest is 15, and I am expecting #9 in a few weeks. My feeling is that new moms have often read a ton of stuff--books, online, etc.--and since I don't read Parenting magazine and am not up on the latest faddish techniques or what have you, then my advice is somewhat obsolete, in their view. They want "fresher" opinions, not just ones that have been proven to work! Also, I think as I have parented longer, I certainly have become more laid back about things, but that is not necessarily what they want to hear either. I clearly remember when my oldest was 4, asking a friend with several kids who had been homeschooling awhile what she did for preschool. This was an area of great concern to me at the time, since all my other friends whose kids were the age of my oldest were putting their kids in preschool, and that was all they talked about. But my friend was just like, "Eh, read a lot of books, work on character issues and attention span . . ."--which is actually great advice for preschool, and in fact is what I now do, esp. since I am so busy with the older ones, LOL. But that was not what I wanted to hear then! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Oooo! You guys took all my answers! I agree with everything above, 100%. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Meh, I knew more when I was younger and had fewer kids, LOL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitten18 Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Maybe the moms with younger kids are just starved for adult conversation. Unfortunately the topic they know best are their kids. I totally agree. I joined MOMS Club when DD was 11 months old. I went to every. single. activity. I needed some adult interaction. :001_huh: Hm... My experience when I was in that stage of new babies was that the moms of older kids were mostly very ho-hum about giving advice or were a bit condescending about it. Not with everyone I knew, but I often felt a little bored sigh whenever I tried to talk about my experiences as a new parent with them. People who were at the same stage as me, having the same emotions and new discoveries were much more engaged in the conversation and interested to talk about that stuff, you know? I feel the same thing with homeschoolers of older kids. When I was first starting out and would meet people with older kids, I would excitedly be like, "We're homeschooling too!" and want to ask questions and chat and people would often give me this look that was clearly like, why are you talking to me. But people new to homeschooling always wanted to chat too. I guess it's more about being synced up in your life stage and feeling a camaraderie in a shared experience than thinking you know it all. I also agree with this. We used to go to a park day with mostly older (kids) homeschoolers. The moms were not very much fun to talk to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 But my friend was just like, "Eh, read a lot of books, work on character issues and attention span . . ."--which is actually great advice for preschool, and in fact is what I now do, esp. since I am so busy with the older ones, LOL. But that was not what I wanted to hear then! :iagree: I remember being a new mom and not wanting to hear that it could possibly be, well, easy in any sense. I was excited to make a difference, to *do something*, whether it was parenting or homeschooling. I looked at more experienced moms as being more like the peers of my parents. Stodgy and boring. Little did I know they were probably biting their tongues until they bled to keep from rescuing me from myself. :tongue_smilie: Oh well. I don't think we value wisdom much in this country. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted November 8, 2012 Author Share Posted November 8, 2012 I have also noticed this in groups I have been in. I am definitely straddling both worlds, since my oldest is 15, and I am expecting #9 in a few weeks. My feeling is that new moms have often read a ton of stuff--books, online, etc.--and since I don't read Parenting magazine and am not up on the latest faddish techniques or what have you, then my advice is somewhat obsolete, in their view. They want "fresher" opinions, not just ones that have been proven to work! Also, I think as I have parented longer, I certainly have become more laid back about things, but that is not necessarily what they want to hear either. I clearly remember when my oldest was 4, asking a friend with several kids who had been homeschooling awhile what she did for preschool. This was an area of great concern to me at the time, since all my other friends whose kids were the age of my oldest were putting their kids in preschool, and that was all they talked about. But my friend was just like, "Eh, read a lot of books, work on character issues and attention span . . ."--which is actually great advice for preschool, and in fact is what I now do, esp. since I am so busy with the older ones, LOL. But that was not what I wanted to hear then! THIS really resonates. I remember thinking both of those things when I was a young mom. I think that, apart from just the annoyance that it is to be talked over/ignored, it's bothering me that there's a good chance they might see my ways as obsolete (disposable diapers! The horror!), and that they probably think I'm blah about things that really matter to them because I'm not as passionate. Oh well. I'll just be the old fuddy-duddy who tells them they're doing a great job when they're having a rough patch and are sleep-deprived. I'll hold their babies and say "it's going to be okay, you're a wonderful Mommy." I appreciated that on my hard days, back when I was young and knew it all. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KathyBC Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 And then there are those of us who just TALK and TALK and TALK, no matter the subject. :blush: Get more than a few of us together, and one would definitely need to interject to participate. (I'm working on it.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Hm... My experience when I was in that stage of new babies was that the moms of older kids were mostly very ho-hum about giving advice or were a bit condescending about it. Not with everyone I knew, but I often felt a little bored sigh whenever I tried to talk about my experiences as a new parent with them. People who were at the same stage as me, having the same emotions and new discoveries were much more engaged in the conversation and interested to talk about that stuff, you know? I feel the same thing with homeschoolers of older kids. When I was first starting out and would meet people with older kids, I would excitedly be like, "We're homeschooling too!" and want to ask questions and chat and people would often give me this look that was clearly like, why are you talking to me. But people new to homeschooling always wanted to chat too. I guess it's more about being synced up in your life stage and feeling a camaraderie in a shared experience than thinking you know it all. I agree with all of this. I used to be in charge of a local babywearing group but recently turned it over to some other moms, because I realized that they, being on their first babies, know a lot more about the newer baby carriers on the market; I'm quite adept at using various carriers but am clueless about what's recent. So I am content to let the new moms chat enthusiastically with each other, and I pop in when experience matters. I see it the same with homeschooling discussions too. My mom homeschooled back in the 80s and 90s, and curriculum options were a lot different; she's content with what she used and likes hearing about new stuff but just doesn't know what all is out there now. I also know that my conversations with moms of older children are very different from those with moms of littles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted November 8, 2012 Author Share Posted November 8, 2012 I looked at more experienced moms as being more like the peers of my parents. Stodgy and boring. Ouch. So did I. I don't want to be seen like that... I still *feel* cool and interesting on the inside! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Maybe the moms with younger kids are just starved for adult conversation. Unfortunately the topic they know best are their kids. I have 3 kids at varying stages of childhood - a preteen, a preschooler, and a young infant. All I talk about are my children... children in general... not because I believe I have more to offer about those topics, but because that's all I've got to talk about at this stage in my life :tongue_smilie:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker25 Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Maybe the moms with younger kids are just starved for adult conversation. Unfortunately the topic they know best are their kids. That was my first thought. I also talk when I am nervous so I might talk a lot in a new situation. The only other thing is I am an extroverted passionate person. My kids are one of my passions so if you get me started talking about them I might talk too much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
extendedforecast Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 The older I get, the more I realize I don't know as much as I thought I did. That's what would keep me from participating in those types of conversations, unless I was specifically asked for my opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted November 8, 2012 Author Share Posted November 8, 2012 I have 3 kids at varying stages of childhood - a preteen, a preschooler, and a young infant. All I talk about are my children... children in general... not because I believe I have more to offer about those topics, but because that's all I've got to talk about at this stage in my life :tongue_smilie:. I actually don't mind talking about kids/motherhood at all! It was the lack of give and take that frustrated me. Then again, I get frustrated by this in other settings, when other topics are being discussed. The whole cluelessly-hogging-the-limelight thing really grates on me. I wish I were more easy-going about it, but it really drives me crazy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted November 8, 2012 Author Share Posted November 8, 2012 The older I get, the more I realize I don't know as much as I thought I did. That's what would keep me from participating in those types of conversations, unless I was specifically asked for my opinion. Yes, I think that's in play for me, too. I hold back a lot more than I used to. Life is humbling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 I probably shouldn't admit how much time I spent talking about my kids' elimination when they were babies/tots. It was on my mind a lot until they were potty trained. :tongue_smilie: And I was over 40. I used to work with grown-ups all day long and have a range of worldly topics to talk about. Sigh. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 I was at a party tonight, a small gathering of young moms and several older moms. The moms of young kids (1 or 2 kids, under 5) just seem to TALK and TALK and TALK incessantly... about their kids' antics and intelligence, about their labors and births, and about how they do everything as mothers. Sometimes someone would pose a question ("how do you handle...") and immediately the young moms jump in with all the answers. I have five kids. I have been around the block a few times and I think I have helpful experience and insight. I'm not thinking I know it all or am some fount of wisdom, but seriously... it's bizarre that none of them even think to look to me or any of the BTDT moms. I hardly open my mouth because to do so, I'd have to talk on top of someone else, which I think is rude. Maybe the young moms see us older moms as out of touch (it's not like I had little ones eons ago -- I still have a toddler!) :glare: I wonder if I was this talkative/know-it-all-ish when I was 25 and had 2 kids... maybe I was and I just don't remember. Sheesh. Rant over. Laughing. You know why they talk and talk and talk, don't you? Because they are stuck home with babies and toddlers all the time and are starved for adult conversation, I think. YES! We were all probably this talkative and know-it-all-ish in our 20's/30's/early Mom days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 I used to work with grown-ups all day long and have a range of worldly topics to talk about. Sigh. ;) I hear you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 I looked at more experienced moms as being more like the peers of my parents. Stodgy and boring. Little did I know they were probably biting their tongues until they bled to keep from rescuing me from myself. :tongue_smilie: Oh well. I don't think we value wisdom much in this country. This is myself right now. I am surrounded by young moms in my homechurch. Only one of them is a know-it-all and us older moms know to bite our tongues with her. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 I find myself biting my tongue a lot around those with only babies/toddlers because I remember being put off by the input of those with olders when that was all I had. I think it's just the way it goes. It's all so new to young/new moms and they really feel better discussing it with those that are going through it with them for the first time. It's why I find it hard right now to make friends because most my age are in that baby/toddler stage while those with kids the ages of mine are older and that leads to a whole different set of issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted November 8, 2012 Author Share Posted November 8, 2012 I find myself biting my tongue a lot around those with only babies/toddlers because I remember being put off by the input of those with olders when that was all I had. I think it's just the way it goes. It's all so new to young/new moms and they really feel better discussing it with those that are going through it with them for the first time. It's why I find it hard right now to make friends because most my age are in that baby/toddler stage while those with kids the ages of mine are older and that leads to a whole different set of issues. Yup. This is me exactly. That's what happens when you have kids young but live around a bunch of women who had long careers first! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Sometimes someone would pose a question ("how do you handle...") and immediately the young moms jump in with all the answers. I attempted a mom's group this summer after not being in one for about 6 years. It took about two weeks for me to remember that this is why I stopped going to them. ;) I seriously could not sit through one more morning because I feared I would pull a Mt. Vesuvius! Especially when the youngest mom of all who was now an expert since she'd just had #2 said, "Well, potty training is just impossible (her dd was 3 and not trained) because you know you can't just tell a kid to go use the potty and they do it." Now, being the stinker I am, I called my not-yet-2yos over and said, "Please go potty." He went. Silly me, I forgot such potty training doesn't work. :glare: After same mom went on and on about how difficult - no, horrible even - having twins would be (I was sitting on the adjacent couch and yes, she knew I had twins!), I quit attending. I remember having #2 and even #3 and realizing how little I knew (that's being generous as I actually knew nothing!); no way did I try to give advice and if there were more experienced moms I deferred to them when questions were asked. I had too much left to learn to be helping others. Now having #4 made me an instant expert (or so I thought). I knew everything (or so I thought) and thought everyone wanted to hear my "knowledge". My dc were 4yo and under but hey, I had it all figured out. I remember feeling this way: I looked at more experienced moms as being more like the peers of my parents. Stodgy and boring. At my MOPS table one year I had not one but two ladies who were each expecting #7. I viewed them as old (I'm talking grandmother old...they were 37!) and out of touch. I remember seeing both of them smiling gently at me as I spouted my wealth of wisdom. Oh, what must have been going through their minds! It never occurred to me to ask for their input and I cringe when I think of the lost opportunity I had to learn from them (they were far too classy to jump in and correct me). I now have the pleasure of being the one smiling gently while I bite my tongue as the younger moms (who view me as grandmotherly) ignore me completely. I am invisible to these moms even though some of my dc are the exact ages theirs are. It's a bit unnerving. And lonely. And frustrating. But it is what it is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Maybe the moms with younger kids are just starved for adult conversation. Unfortunately the topic they know best are their kids. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted November 8, 2012 Share Posted November 8, 2012 Ouch. So did I. I don't want to be seen like that... I still *feel* cool and interesting on the inside! Trust me, that was a wry observation on my part. I'm apparently sitting on the stodgy bench beside you because the young moms don't want to talk to me anymore either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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