Diplomatically deal with SIL?

[Mommie_Jen]

ETA: This turned out to be partially a vent, I guess. So JAWM?

 

 

I am so very non-confrontational. I despise it. I am a people pleaser that is slowly learning to say no. We do have some crazy in our families, but it's nothing compared to some of the crazy family stories I see on here.

 

All that being said, I need to handle and issue with my SIL. I hate to be vocal and voice opinions around her/that side of the family. She is an expert at passively aggressively making everything all about her, and after 15 years, I pretty much just ignore her, but I've had enough.

 

Case in point: we live in the same town as SIL/BIL. They are late 30's, no kids (medical issues). We live less than 10 minutes from her. (Side note - other SIL, both DH's sibs, lives 5 houses down from us. She won't have anything to do with us.) SIL/BIL love to buy gifts for nieces and nephews. I don't encourage it, but I don't expect it from them. DS's birthday was over a month ago, and SIL has FB'd me a few times stating that she needs to come over sometime to give him his bday gifts. Fine, no problem, we are home most days. Just call/text when you want to run over so I can make sure we are home.

 

Nothing yet. Again, so NOT a big deal about the gifts. But she does this - purposely deliver birthday gifts WAY late so she can make a big production of it and in the end all she does is draw the attention to her. Year after year.

 

We are the only family in the extended family that is self sufficient/not needy (in an emotional way)/functioning normally. This extremely belated bringing over little gifts is so passively attention seeking.

 

So how do I nicely tell her that, you know, if you can't bother to come over (again, less than a 10 minute drive, and she doesn't work a job) within a week or so of birthdays, to not even bother without her and other SIL resenting me even more? (seriously, they are still not over the fact that I "took" their brother from them when we got married. 15 years ago.) We don't go over there because of animal mess issues in the house/clutter/hoarding/general ick.

[justLisa]

I seriously don't even know how to respond to that.

 

How is bringing a gift over attention seeking? I mean unless it's a big party with 100 people around and she has to take center stage with a mic and give a speech about it.

 

I dunno. I just accept gifts and say thank you.

 

ANd if you are not close at all, how do you know she is doing this on purpose? I have a related within a half an hour and we can NEVER manage to meet up.

 

I don't really know how to just agree with that but maybe someone else will

[Remudamom]

I guess I just have to ask why do you even care?

[DusksAngel]

If she starts waiting months past the occasion(s), just start telling her to keep it for the next holiday/etc.

[KungFuPanda]

I'm not sure I get it either. Tell her to come over whenever . . .its no big deal. Or, instead of a vague "any time, but call first" give her specifics. "We're home all week from 9-12. What day do you want to stop by? I'll make lunch."

[myfunnybunch]

So how do I nicely tell her that, you know, if you can't bother to come over (again, less than a 10 minute drive, and she doesn't work a job) within a week or so of birthdays, to not even bother without her and other SIL resenting me even more?

 

:grouphug:

 

It sounds annoying.

 

I don't think you can say "don't bother" without them resenting you more.

 

And...(gently, because I know it's a hassle and it sounds like they are thorns in your side a bit in general) a gift is a gift. I don't think there's any way to say graciously, "If you don't deliver it by x time, don't bother." Just say thanks whenever it arrives. You don't have to make a big production or offer a lot of attention, just "Thank you. That was very thoughtful of you," and have your child write a thank you note.

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

[Lisbeth]

:grouphug: There is a term for this. It's partially called )#&$#& be eatin' crackers stage of relationship with someone. IE, you are just so irritated by how she is in general that now she is just going to drive you nuts, pretty much whatever she does. Without knowing more, I can't say FOR SURE this is it, but it sounds like it. It's not a judgement, either - it's just you've had enough of her and it's oil and water now. It's normal.

 

I wouldn't confront over this, because it will make you look bad IMO. I would work on the confrontational thing and just start calling out when other more serious things drive you crazy. That way...this smaller stuff won't build up.

 

Just MHO!

[CalicoKat]

ETA: This turned out to be partially a vent, I guess. So JAWM?

 

 

I am so very non-confrontational. I despise it. I am a people pleaser that is slowly learning to say no. We do have some crazy in our families, but it's nothing compared to some of the crazy family stories I see on here.

 

All that being said, I need to handle and issue with my SIL. I hate to be vocal and voice opinions around her/that side of the family. She is an expert at passively aggressively making everything all about her, and after 15 years, I pretty much just ignore her, but I've had enough.

 

Case in point: we live in the same town as SIL/BIL. They are late 30's, no kids (medical issues). We live less than 10 minutes from her. (Side note - other SIL, both DH's sibs, lives 5 houses down from us. She won't have anything to do with us.) SIL/BIL love to buy gifts for nieces and nephews. I don't encourage it, but I don't expect it from them. DS's birthday was over a month ago, and SIL has FB'd me a few times stating that she needs to come over sometime to give him his bday gifts. Fine, no problem, we are home most days. Just call/text when you want to run over so I can make sure we are home.

 

Nothing yet. Again, so NOT a big deal about the gifts. But she does this - purposely deliver birthday gifts WAY late so she can make a big production of it and in the end all she does is draw the attention to her. Year after year.

 

We are the only family in the extended family that is self sufficient/not needy (in an emotional way)/functioning normally. This extremely belated bringing over little gifts is so passively attention seeking.

 

So how do I nicely tell her that, you know, if you can't bother to come over (again, less than a 10 minute drive, and she doesn't work a job) within a week or so of birthdays, to not even bother without her and other SIL resenting me even more? (seriously, they are still not over the fact that I "took" their brother from them when we got married. 15 years ago.) We don't go over there because of animal mess issues in the house/clutter/hoarding/general ick.

 

They don't have kids? They really don't get it. Seriously.

 

We didn't have kids for the first 7 years of our marriage and I cringe now at some of the things I just didn't get or know about how to work with kids.

 

Also, if they can't have kids it's probably not because they didn't want kids so even though you've accepted their childless future she probably really still hurts deeply. Being around kids, especially nieces and nephews was especially difficult for me so much that I/we avoided the holidays & birthdays.

 

That was where my thoughts went reading your post.

[ksr5377]

:grouphug: There is a term for this. It's partially called )#&$#& be eatin' crackers stage of relationship with someone. IE, you are just so irritated by how she is in general that now she is just going to drive you nuts, pretty much whatever she does. Without knowing more, I can't say FOR SURE this is it, but it sounds like it. It's not a judgement, either - it's just you've had enough of her and it's oil and water now. It's normal.

 

I wouldn't confront over this, because it will make you look bad IMO. I would work on the confrontational thing and just start calling out when other more serious things drive you crazy. That way...this smaller stuff won't build up.

 

Just MHO!

:iagree:

I'm kind of this way with my MIL at this point. Sometimes when I am complaining/venting to a friend I realize that what MIL did or said really wasn't anything new or unexpected or all that bad in comparison to other things ---it's just that I'm so sick of it all EVERYTHING she does or says irritates me at the maximum level.

[Mommie_Jen]

If she starts waiting months past the occasion(s), just start telling her to keep it for the next holiday/etc.

 

That's what I've thought of doing.

 

And you know, it's hard to explain a person in a post or two. Truly, she can take any occasion or any conversation and manage to monopolize it. But both DH and I think that if you really want to give our kids a gift, and call it a birthday gift, at least try to show up around their birthday. (At least in our situation, when family is in the same town.)

 

We do show our kids how to be polite when receiving gifts, and polite in general.

[Mama Geek]

:grouphug: There is a term for this. It's partially called )#&$#& be eatin' crackers stage of relationship with someone. IE, you are just so irritated by how she is in general that now she is just going to drive you nuts, pretty much whatever she does. Without knowing more, I can't say FOR SURE this is it, but it sounds like it. It's not a judgement, either - it's just you've had enough of her and it's oil and water now. It's normal.

 

I wouldn't confront over this, because it will make you look bad IMO. I would work on the confrontational thing and just start calling out when other more serious things drive you crazy. That way...this smaller stuff won't build up.

 

Just MHO!

 

This is great...I completely understand this post and it is my guess as to what you are going through too.

 

:grouphug:

[Mommie_Jen]

They don't have kids? They really don't get it. Seriously.

 

We didn't have kids for the first 7 years of our marriage and I cringe now at some of the things I just didn't get or know about how to work with kids.

 

Also, if they can't have kids it's probably not because they didn't want kids so even though you've accepted their childless future she probably really still hurts deeply. Being around kids, especially nieces and nephews was especially difficult for me so much that I/we avoided the holidays & birthdays.

 

That was where my thoughts went reading your post.

 

It took us 10 years to have kids, so I fully totally understand that side of things. I know that it is rough.

[NorthwestMom]

I agree with you that that would be annoying, but by actually saying anything, you allow her to focus on being "misunderstood" and "mischaracterized" by you. I would recommend you don't draw attention to it unless you want them to make an even BIGGER deal out of it.

 

The family sounds dysfunctional. You should just lie low, stay silent, and recognize the behavior for what it is.

 

:grouphug:

[Mommie_Jen]

:grouphug: There is a term for this. It's partially called )#&$#& be eatin' crackers stage of relationship with someone. IE, you are just so irritated by how she is in general that now she is just going to drive you nuts, pretty much whatever she does. Without knowing more, I can't say FOR SURE this is it, but it sounds like it. It's not a judgement, either - it's just you've had enough of her and it's oil and water now. It's normal.

 

I wouldn't confront over this, because it will make you look bad IMO. I would work on the confrontational thing and just start calling out when other more serious things drive you crazy. That way...this smaller stuff won't build up.

 

Just MHO!

 

Bingo! There's a term for that? You speak truth. Thank you. We can certainly work on the mentality of "this is just how they are" and work to leave the irritation behind.

[myfunnybunch]

We do show our kids how to be polite when receiving gifts

 

I know you want people to Just Agree, but in this case, you'd truly be demonstrating less than good manners if you tell the gift giver they've got a time limit, even if she's incredibly annoying about gift-giving.

 

Teach your children to be gracious and patient instead. :)

 

Cat

[Mommie_Jen]

I agree with you that that would be annoying, but by actually saying anything, you allow her to focus on being "misunderstood" and "mischaracterized" by you. I would recommend you don't draw attention to it unless you want them to make an even BIGGER deal out of it.

 

The family sounds dysfunctional. You should just lie low, stay silent, and recognize the behavior for what it is.

 

:grouphug:

 

Thank you.

 

 

(And, just for fun - The uncle of DH/SIL made a blatant, obvious pass at me last Christmas. Dysfunction = a plenty!)

[mom2samlibby]

Why don't you name a time and invite her over? Maybe she is waiting for an invite to know it's a good time for you.

[Trish]

ETA: This turned out to be partially a vent, I guess. So JAWM?

 

 

I am so very non-confrontational. I despise it. I am a people pleaser that is slowly learning to say no. We do have some crazy in our families, but it's nothing compared to some of the crazy family stories I see on here.

 

All that being said, I need to handle and issue with my SIL. I hate to be vocal and voice opinions around her/that side of the family. She is an expert at passively aggressively making everything all about her, and after 15 years, I pretty much just ignore her, but I've had enough.

 

Case in point: we live in the same town as SIL/BIL. They are late 30's, no kids (medical issues). We live less than 10 minutes from her. (Side note - other SIL, both DH's sibs, lives 5 houses down from us. She won't have anything to do with us.) SIL/BIL love to buy gifts for nieces and nephews. I don't encourage it, but I don't expect it from them. DS's birthday was over a month ago, and SIL has FB'd me a few times stating that she needs to come over sometime to give him his bday gifts. Fine, no problem, we are home most days. Just call/text when you want to run over so I can make sure we are home.

 

Nothing yet. Again, so NOT a big deal about the gifts. But she does this - purposely deliver birthday gifts WAY late so she can make a big production of it and in the end all she does is draw the attention to her. Year after year.

 

We are the only family in the extended family that is self sufficient/not needy (in an emotional way)/functioning normally. This extremely belated bringing over little gifts is so passively attention seeking.

 

So how do I nicely tell her that, you know, if you can't bother to come over (again, less than a 10 minute drive, and she doesn't work a job) within a week or so of birthdays, to not even bother without her and other SIL resenting me even more? (seriously, they are still not over the fact that I "took" their brother from them when we got married. 15 years ago.) We don't go over there because of animal mess issues in the house/clutter/hoarding/general ick.

 

Well, I'm a Late Gift Giver. I don't need any attention. I procrastinate! So, maybe her issue is not "attention seeking," maybe it's procrastination! Not saying that is more forgiveable or understandable, just that your "diagnosis" may be wrong. We accept gifts from relatives whenever they are offered. Sometimes they are late. Sometimes they are WAY late. Some of the relatives don't give gifts at all, and we're okay with that too.

 

Just wondering, if you don't like confrontation, why in the world would you pick THIS issue to have one? :confused:

[Slartibartfast]

Well, I'm a Late Gift Giver. I don't need any attention. I procrastinate! So, maybe her issue is not "attention seeking," maybe it's procrastination! Not saying that is more forgiveable or understandable, just that your "diagnosis" may be wrong. We accept gifts from relatives whenever they are offered. Sometimes they are late. Sometimes they are WAY late. Some of the relatives don't give gifts at all, and we're okay with that too.

 

Just wondering, if you don't like confrontation, why in the world would you pick THIS issue to have one? :confused:

 

:iagree:

 

I agree...if someone has hoarding issues I would think this more of a disorganization issue or something rather than attention seeking.

[OH_Homeschooler]

Well, I'm a Late Gift Giver. I don't need any attention. I procrastinate! So, maybe her issue is not "attention seeking," maybe it's procrastination! Not saying that is more forgiveable or understandable, just that your "diagnosis" may be wrong. We accept gifts from relatives whenever they are offered. Sometimes they are late. Sometimes they are WAY late. Some of the relatives don't give gifts at all, and we're okay with that too.

 

 

I agree with this. I tend to be anal about getting gifts out on time, just because I hate to have stuff hanging over my head. But my sister (who lives out of town), who I know adores my kids and is not an attention-seeker at all, just never gets things out on time. And she'll even say "Oh I got the gift for your kid, I'll get it out this weekend!" and then we get it a month later. I don't think badly of her for it, it's just what I've come to expect.

 

But I also get that she's my sister and not someone who's annoyed me for years.

[tex-mex]

I guess I just have to ask why do you even care?

I have to admit... I do not get the OP's POV.

 

I agree...if someone has hoarding issues I would think this more of a disorganization issue or something rather than attention seeking.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Edited October 30, 2012 by tex-mex

[Harriet Vane]

:001_huh:

 

I cannot see how delivering a gift late and having fun delivering it to the child is selfish. It seems natural to me to want to communicate to the child just how special that child is with some attention to the birthday occasion, even if it is late.

 

You might consider relaxing on this one. :chillpill:.

[Harriet Vane]

Well, I'm a Late Gift Giver. I don't need any attention. I procrastinate! So, maybe her issue is not "attention seeking," maybe it's procrastination! Not saying that is more forgiveable or understandable, just that your "diagnosis" may be wrong. We accept gifts from relatives whenever they are offered. Sometimes they are late. Sometimes they are WAY late. Some of the relatives don't give gifts at all, and we're okay with that too.

 

Just wondering, if you don't like confrontation, why in the world would you pick THIS issue to have one? :confused:

 

:iagree:

[Kirch]

I agree with you that that would be annoying, but by actually saying anything, you allow her to focus on being "misunderstood" and "mischaracterized" by you. I would recommend you don't draw attention to it unless you want them to make an even BIGGER deal out of it.

 

The family sounds dysfunctional. You should just lie low, stay silent, and recognize the behavior for what it is.

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree: Plus, if she really is an attention hog, I'd much rather it be on some random day than actually on his birthday or at his party.

[SonshineLearner]

I have to say... maybe it's because she doesn't want it to be one of many. I totally get that. I offer a $100. to my nephew when he has all the rest and it just kinda morphs into nothing. Not that I spend that much, but I just mean... I couldn't spend enough for it to be special.

[Galatea]

If she makes a big production when she delivers a late gift, it may not be attention-seeking. I could see someone trying to cover feeling guilty/embarrassed about being late with extreme behavior.

[elfgivas]

fwiw, this is about her, not about you.

 

and unfortunately we don't get to fix other people.

 

so she will come, or she won't come, or she'll come late, and as it is usually about her, it will be this time, too. but if your kids like getting gifts, and if your dh likes one of his sibs being marginally involved with him and his kids, then i'd just minimize my own being upset.

 

for some folks, if you say something like, "its so nice for the kids that their birthdays last for weeks", then if the goal is also to annoy you, she may change tactics. that may not be good; this tactic isn't so damaging, kwim?

 

:grouphug:

ann

[Tammyla]

This isn't a hill, I'd choose to die on. Kwim?

[TranquilMind]

425lisamarie: I seriously don't even know how to respond to that.

 

How is bringing a gift over attention seeking?

 

I have to say that I find this perplexing as well. How is bringing him gifts, no matter how late, "all about her."

 

She is not a timely person. You know that by now. Just take what she offers when she offers it with a big thank you.

 

Gee, my kids never get gifts from Aunts or Uncles! They are all dead - or 4000 miles away.

 

There has to be some backstory here about why you are really irritated with her. It can't just be because she procrastinates in gift giving.

[justLisa]

Maybe there is some other history.

 

I used to have "issues" with my SIL. I realized they were petty.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

I have to say that I find this perplexing as well. How is bringing him gifts, no matter how late, "all about her."

 

She is not a timely person. You know that by now. Just take what she offers when she offers it with a big thank you.

 

Gee, my kids never get gifts from Aunts or Uncles! They are all dead - or 4000 miles away.

 

There has to be some backstory here about why you are really irritated with her. It can't just be because she procrastinates in gift giving.

 

DH has a brother who adores our boys (no kids of his own) and is the best uncle any kid could ask for. He is also notorious for giving gifts late. Sometimes very, very late. To be fair, when they were little he worked a little harder (DMIL probably reminded him!) about getting them to the boys close to their birthdays. When they were older, he moved farther away and travels for work a lot and getting things in the mail kind of slips his mind. My guys never cared - they knew they would get something really cool sooner or later and it just let them enjoy their birthday longer.

[Joanne]

OP, I totally get your frustration.

 

I *believe* you when you attribute motive to the attention seeking. I believe you when you state the level of dysfunction is severe.

 

You sound tired of the drama and chaos.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I just don't think that the gift giving time is a productive or wise place to start to assert boundaries.

 

Wait. I suspect a more appropriate situation will present itself. ;)

[Tammyla]

:iagree: (And in this instance, if the delay was bothering me...I'd just go pick it up.)

 

OP, I totally get your frustration.

 

I *believe* you when you attribute motive to the attention seeking. I believe you when you state the level of dysfunction is severe.

 

You sound tired of the drama and chaos.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I just don't think that the gift giving time is a productive or wise place to start to assert boundaries.

 

Wait. I suspect a more appropriate situation will present itself. ;)

[Mommie_Jen]

OP, I totally get your frustration.

 

I *believe* you when you attribute motive to the attention seeking. I believe you when you state the level of dysfunction is severe.

 

You sound tired of the drama and chaos.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I just don't think that the gift giving time is a productive or wise place to start to assert boundaries.

 

Wait. I suspect a more appropriate situation will present itself. ;)

 

Thank you thank you thank you!

[TranquilMind]

OP, I totally get your frustration.

 

I *believe* you when you attribute motive to the attention seeking. I believe you when you state the level of dysfunction is severe.

 

You sound tired of the drama and chaos.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I just don't think that the gift giving time is a productive or wise place to start to assert boundaries.

 

Wait. I suspect a more appropriate situation will present itself. ;)

 

You are SUCH a ....counselor.

 

How do you FEEL about that? :tongue_smilie:

[PeacefulChaos]

This isn't a hill, I'd choose to die on. Kwim?

 

OP, I totally get your frustration.

 

I *believe* you when you attribute motive to the attention seeking. I believe you when you state the level of dysfunction is severe.

 

You sound tired of the drama and chaos.

 

 

 

I just don't think that the gift giving time is a productive or wise place to start to assert boundaries.

 

Wait. I suspect a more appropriate situation will present itself. ;)

:iagree: with both of these.

 

Oh, and I have a SIL I don't get along with, either. She's a HUGE attention hog and makes everything all about her and what she wants, and we finally ALL got tired of it and we don't talk to them anymore. At all. (One BIL and his wife do, but not us, not the other BIL and wife, not the MIL/FIL). It's the wife of DH's brother, and we don't talk to either of them.

Honestly, reading your post I REALLY FEEL FOR YOU!! :grouphug::grouphug: Ugh, now I'm thinking of that annoying woman... :tongue_smilie: (You know, she would do attention seeking stuff at my kids' birthday parties! Like have her dd 'sing a song' - which actually was HER singing a song with her dd barely singing along. Not at a family get together or anything - at my kid's birthday party. More than once. :glare: Ugh, she and her DH are such.jerks. :ack2: )

Anyway, I feel for you!

[Danestress]

would be to cultivate and attitude of not really caring. It wouldn't even be on my radar to be bothered by something like this - and my kids tend to not be bean counters who are particularly aware of who has given them a present and who hasn't yet, so that helps.

 

I absolutely believe you when you say she is annoying and that this is part of a bigger pattern of being .... difficult. But this particular issue is one I would definitely let slide and encourage your husband to let slide. I think most of the time, men want to let things slide and if we encourage them not to be bothered by this type of thing, they can do that.

 

If she's as bad as you say, there will be bigger things to address - if you hate conflict, save up the conflict for something that really matters to you or your kids.

[Zebra]

OP, I totally get your frustration.

 

I *believe* you when you attribute motive to the attention seeking. I believe you when you state the level of dysfunction is severe.

 

You sound tired of the drama and chaos.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I just don't think that the gift giving time is a productive or wise place to start to assert boundaries.

 

Wait. I suspect a more appropriate situation will present itself. ;)

 

:iagree:

 

I don't know you, but I believe you too.

 

You could tell her to just leave it on the stoop whenever, and then email you after she drops it off and you'll get it. You could politely tell her she could mail it, or you could tell her to save it for the next holiday. Remember, getting the gift is not your problem, it's hers. Don't take responsibility for it.

[happyhomemaker]

OP, I totally get your frustration.

 

I *believe* you when you attribute motive to the attention seeking. I believe you when you state the level of dysfunction is severe.

 

You sound tired of the drama and chaos.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I just don't think that the gift giving time is a productive or wise place to start to assert boundaries.

 

Wait. I suspect a more appropriate situation will present itself. ;)

 

:iagree: Yes, wait for the opportune moment.

And, yes, I just watched Pirates of the Carribean the other day. :D