ssavings Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 And I'm pretty dissapointed about it. DH and I live close to my family (parents and siblings). We generally see them weekly/twice a week. I have made an effort to bring meals when they are sick/had babies/etc. I remember birthdays and anniversaries. I know that my parents and siblings get together and go out to eat or to the beach or whatever all together a few times/month, and that we're never invited. And I'm fairly fine with that - we probably wouldnt go anyway. But now they decided to go on a trip for Thanksgiving, and we're not invited. Which wouldnt have been nearly so bad, except that they told my 5 year old before I could figure out how to tell her, and now she's quite sad - she's a sensitive child, and she doesn't understand why all her cousins and aunts/uncles are going on a special trip with grandma/grandpa, and she's not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momma2three Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 That's awful. I'm sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 Awww. That stinks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiffanieh Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 Is this common practice with them? Do you have a history of this? I can't even begin to imagine this happening...how awful! Although, I'm honestly not sure I'd WANT to be around people like that anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 Why on earth didn't they invite you? And then why would they tell your child about it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 Why on earth didn't they invite you? And then why would they tell your child about it? :grouphug: Yeah, that doesn't make any sense at all. What's the backstory? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tabrizia Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Is this common practice with them? Do you have a history of this? I can't even begin to imagine this happening...how awful! Although, I'm honestly not sure I'd WANT to be around people like that anyway. :iagree:, and I really think I would be cutting down my access to them. Maybe once a month or less. I mean yes you may not have gone on the vacation with them at Thanksgiving, but this is your parents and your siblings and they didn't even invite you and told your 5 year old about it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Why on earth didn't they invite you? And then why would they tell your child about it? That's what I was wondering. Do you know why you're excluded? I'm so sorry. :grouphug: That must really hurt. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 I would be calling and thanking them for making my child feel rejected. "What wonderful grandparents you are to rub the fact that our family is not included for Thanksgiving with the rest of you! You've really shown her what kind of 'family' you are!" Or, I'd just shut my mouth and have not much to do with them in the future. I'm guessing that there have been other issues where you are the outsider prior to this, other than being excluded? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ssavings Posted September 28, 2012 Author Share Posted September 28, 2012 Why on earth didn't they invite you? And then why would they tell your child about it? My paranoid self says that they didn't invite us because they don't like me, although I have no reason to believe that other than my anxiety. Maybe they didnt want to deal with the kids (my siblings all have only 1-2 kids each)? I honestly have no idea, and I don't want to ask. I know they get together a few times a month without us They told DD because she was explaining to my dad that she was making Thanksgiving placemats at her friend's house (crafty group, very cute), and my dad is one of the most thoughtless people in the world. He just blurted it out. It wasn't intended to be hurtful, but I'm still upset. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ssavings Posted September 28, 2012 Author Share Posted September 28, 2012 I'm guessing that there have been other issues where you are the outsider prior to this, other than being excluded? Pretty much always. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 I would come right out and ask them what the problem was. Why should you suffer in silence? :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kdownie Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Wow. How terrible. I would be upfront and ask. I'm so sorry! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 How mean! :grouphug: I would ask why. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MooCow Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 ugghh.......people just suck :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 :grouphug: I'm sorry. Echoing others - why not just ask them? My family is very direct. If someone has a problem with another family member, they speak up about it. We let one another know if we are hurt and find out what the problem is. My husband's family, otoh, is very indirect and passive-aggressive. People are easily offended but pretend they are not. So, my husband and I never know what's going on, what we've done to make them mad, etc. So, why not ask? At least you'll know. I hope I don't sound like I am berating you. It just might be easier to ask and find out than be hurt and not know why. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 I would come right out and ask them what the problem was. Why should you suffer in silence? :confused: That's what I was thinking, too. I'd rather know what someone's issue with me is, and decide whether to do something about it, than just wonder. It seems like they're sending a clear message with their actions, I would just want to know what's behind it. :grouphug: That really stinks, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen in PA Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ssavings Posted September 28, 2012 Author Share Posted September 28, 2012 So, why not ask? At least you'll know. I hope I don't sound like I am berating you. It just might be easier to ask and find out than be hurt and not know why. i think I'm afraid... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galatea Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 If my family regularly excluded me from get-togethers and holidays that everyone else in the family was invited to, they wouldn't be seeing my child to tell her that she wasn't invited. Why are you visiting and doing for them when they don't want you around? Why make yourself a doormat? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tabrizia Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 i think I'm afraid... Which is understandable. However, right now it sounds like you are putting a lot more effort into a relationship with people who don't seem to value you, in fact they seem to undervalue you and shun you from the "fun" gatherings, and have even made your young child aware that he is not part of the cool set of cousins since he doesn't get to come on the cool Thanksgiving trip that all the other cousins are going on. Is that really a relationship that you want to consider to foster and to teach your children that they can be treated as second class citizens and that is fine? Because right now they are learning that they are not the favored Grandchildren and cousins, they are in second place and don't get to do the cool stuff like everyone else. Also while you do have 4 small children and your siblings may have only 1 or 2 children each, you apparently have more then 1 sibling, so your parents had at least 3 kids (maybe more?), so while they may no longer be used to a ton of littles running around, they did have more then 1 or 2 around at a time when you were growing up. Yes little kids are tiring, but you are there with them, it doesn't sound like you are dropping them off or expecting your parents to watch them while you run off and do something fun, you are bringing them over with you as you watch them to get to play and grow close to their Grandparents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ssavings Posted September 28, 2012 Author Share Posted September 28, 2012 If my family regularly excluded me from get-togethers and holidays that everyone else in the family was invited to, they wouldn't be seeing my child to tell her that she wasn't invited. Why are you visiting and doing for them when they don't want you around? Why make yourself a doormat? This is exactly what I needed to hear. It's not easy, but it's true. And I needed to hear it. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 I wouldn't be surprised if it's the number of children you have. I noticed that as our family size grew, our invites to people's houses for dinner diminished. That's such a huge slap in the face, if I really didn't know why I'd have to ask. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. :( :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galatea Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 This is exactly what I needed to hear. It's not easy, but it's true. And I needed to hear it. Thank you. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I was worried I was being too harsh, but I wanted to point out how absolutely unfair and unfeeling their treatment is. You deserve to be treated with respect and love. Your children deserve to be treated with respect and love. If you and they can't get it from your family, find other family and friends (make your own) and make sure to teach your children that they deserve to be loved. My in-laws are almost like what you describe. We don't expose our daughter to them because she doesn't deserve to be treated like that. Neither do your children. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
merry gardens Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 :grouphug: It is terrible that they treat you this way. On the bright side, you don't have to spend Thanksgiving who treat you this way. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Why on earth didn't they invite you? And then why would they tell your child about it? :iagree: It almost sounds like there is some divide or dysfunction beyond the original post? That makes no sense. There is more to the story also if the OP is saying she and her family does not wish to see her family more often for weekly meals or eating out... like there is a divide or disconnect? :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 i think I'm afraid... Are these your parents? Get it out in the open. Make them own it. Neither side can fix it until you know what is going on. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 If my family regularly excluded me from get-togethers and holidays that everyone else in the family was invited to, they wouldn't be seeing my child to tell her that she wasn't invited. Why are you visiting and doing for them when they don't want you around? Why make yourself a doormat? :iagree::iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dina in Oklahoma Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Great advice from previous posts but wanted to send :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:You and your family are valuable and deserve to be treated as such. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cin Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 I would be calling and thanking them for making my child feel rejected. "What wonderful grandparents you are to rub the fact that our family is not included for Thanksgiving with the rest of you! You've really shown her what kind of 'family' you are!" OH yeah. They would hear this. And hopefully, your children will be able to let Gma and Gpa know how much they appreciate being slighted. This just makes my blood boil, so I will do everything I can to NOT say much of anything else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 I saw on another of your posts that you have some dietary restrictions and allergies in your family. Is their exclusion of you usually centered on meals? Could not wanting to deal with the food issues be a possible reason (not that it would justify their behavior)? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ssavings Posted September 28, 2012 Author Share Posted September 28, 2012 I saw on another of your posts that you have some dietary restrictions and allergies in your family. Is their exclusion of you usually centered on meals? Could not wanting to deal with the food issues be a possible reason (not that it would justify their behavior)? That's possible. The dietary issues are very annoying for my parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 I saw on another of your posts that you have some dietary restrictions and allergies in your family. Is their exclusion of you usually centered on meals? Could not wanting to deal with the food issues be a possible reason (not that it would justify their behavior)? That's possible. The dietary issues are very annoying for my parents. Well, then it's easy to ask. "So, what's up with Thanksgiving? Are you excluding us because of our food allergies or is there some other reason? My kids are disappointed that we are not invited, and I'd like to know why." Then, if it's the food - and that's the real reason, not an excuse - you can assure them you will take care of your family's food needs. Maybe that will clear the air. Maybe not, but... the air is pretty murky now. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ssavings Posted September 28, 2012 Author Share Posted September 28, 2012 :iagree: It almost sounds like there is some divide or dysfunction beyond the original post? That makes no sense. There is more to the story also if the OP is saying she and her family does not wish to see her family more often for weekly meals or eating out... like there is a divide or disconnect? :confused: Not that I wouldn't want to. But DS has a fair # of dietary limitations due to allergies, and anxiety. About half the places they go to (buffets, for sure) we'd avoid for that reason. It's VERY hard to avoid cross-contamination at a buffet (at least for me). It doesn't bother me significantly that they go places to eat where we wouldn't be able to go. But I feel like they could make an effort for Thanksgiving, and I don't know that feeling hurt over being excluded makes me dysfunctional (although its certainly possible I'm dysfunctional in other ways! :tongue_smilie:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cin Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 (edited) That's possible. The dietary issues are very annoying for my parents. My friend has a son who is anaphylatic to dairy. Our house is dairy central. Milk, yogurt and cheese are taken in at LEAST once a day per person, usually more. But she KNOWS that I am fearful to have him in my home. I have told her, and she's FINE with it. It would be easier if they would just TELL you.... Edited September 28, 2012 by cin posting the same thing at the same time as PP Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 I am sorry, I am in the middle of a similar situation myself. In my case my sister is uncomfortable around my SIL and avoids her. My sister comes into town and we go out to dinner or do something and she doesn't see my brother even though they were very close as children. This sucks, but I do see why my sister is uncomfortable around my SIL, I really do and as an adult my sister has the right to drive five hours to Portland and enjoy herself when she gets here. My SIL is a wonderful person, but she gets unhappy about things in the middle of a good time, and you don't know what went wrong and it is hard to take. I am guessing that your kid's food allergies effect your extended family the same way. Unfortunate, and you are right to feel hurt, and to be honest I would stay away for awhile and let your parents either decide to make it up to you at Christmas, and if they call and want to know why you are not around I would let them know that that is their option, or if they do not choose to, I would mostly drop them. Your kids feelings should come first. I feel awful for your dd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChiMomNP Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 I'm sorry. I so understand. My family same thing. I moved across the country so I wouldn't have to feel like an outsider and excluded. Our relationship has improved since I moved away but, I'm still the "outsider". It sucks. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Some families do seem to need and "outsider" to make the others "insiders".:confused: I don't like it but it happens. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 I don't know that feeling hurt over being excluded makes me dysfunctional (although its certainly possible I'm dysfunctional in other ways! :tongue_smilie:) :D Aw... do not go there. I'm just analyzing a la Dr. Phil. I do think there is some dysfunction in your willingness not to confront the matter. And how you serve them, but expect to be treated like this. To me, that is a red flag. Not sure how this helps. But it would be ideal if the matter could be aired... but it sounds like your folks are not able to do this in a healthy manner? :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 If my family regularly excluded me from get-togethers and holidays that everyone else in the family was invited to, they wouldn't be seeing my child to tell her that she wasn't invited. Why are you visiting and doing for them when they don't want you around? Why make yourself a doormat? Well, then it's easy to ask. "So, what's up with Thanksgiving? Are you excluding us because of our food allergies or is there some other reason? My kids are disappointed that we are not invited, and I'd like to know why." Then, if it's the food - and that's the real reason, not an excuse - you can assure them you will take care of your family's food needs. Maybe that will clear the air. Maybe not, but... the air is pretty murky now. :grouphug: :iagree: with both these. Clearing the air can only help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Well, then it's easy to ask. "So, what's up with Thanksgiving? Are you excluding us because of our food allergies or is there some other reason? My kids are disappointed that we are not invited, and I'd like to know why." Then, if it's the food - and that's the real reason, not an excuse - you can assure them you will take care of your family's food needs. Maybe that will clear the air. Maybe not, but... the air is pretty murky now. :grouphug: Yep, sounds like you need to stop being afraid and just ask them. I know people that simply just can't deal with anything that doesn't fall in line easily for them. Does it sound selfish, especially when it's a grandparent? Sure. But, it's just a fact of life that there will be those people. I'd rather know than wonder. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Bad form on their parts. Trips other times of year? Fine. Holiday trips excluding family? Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. I've spoken out of turn with my kids before I've had a chance to process. While I regretted it at the time (and I have a sensitive kid too), it taught them and me how to think through sad feelings together. That's just crummy. I'm sorry. If it's any consolation, my MIL moved 3000 miles away last month. We've decided that we are going bowling for Christmas Eve, the time we usually spent with her. My kids are stoked! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 And I'm pretty dissapointed about it. DH and I live close to my family (parents and siblings). We generally see them weekly/twice a week. I have made an effort to bring meals when they are sick/had babies/etc. I remember birthdays and anniversaries. I know that my parents and siblings get together and go out to eat or to the beach or whatever all together a few times/month, and that we're never invited. And I'm fairly fine with that - we probably wouldnt go anyway. But now they decided to go on a trip for Thanksgiving, and we're not invited. Which wouldnt have been nearly so bad, except that they told my 5 year old before I could figure out how to tell her, and now she's quite sad - she's a sensitive child, and she doesn't understand why all her cousins and aunts/uncles are going on a special trip with grandma/grandpa, and she's not. Why don't you ask them why you are not invited? I'd have to bring that out into the open (unless you know...like they spend a whole lot and you can't right now, but it still seems sad. Most parents would want to be with their kids). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clarkacademy Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Why wouldn't you just ask your mom? I don't get that at all. I couldn't imagine having such fear as an adult of my parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teeniebeenie6 Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 (edited) I wish I could give you a big hug! Your pain exudes from your post : ( I would feel super hurt in your situation as well! Perhaps writing an email or letter to your parents would be easier? Maybe pouring your heart out to them on paper/email in a non-confrontational way would open up lines of communication? I totally understand your hesitation to speak to them! I struggle with speaking up when something is bothering me between my parents and I! I hate being vulnerable like that! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Edited September 28, 2012 by teeniebeenie6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsabelC Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 :grouphug: So sorry you have been left out like this. Can I add my voice to the people who have suggested directly asking them? It could be that you are deliberately being snubbed. Or it could be something else, some kind of misunderstanding (eg they think you can't afford and don't want to make you feel obliged to go). If it is a mistake or misunderstanding of some kind, you'll be really glad you cleared it up. If they do have some problem with you and/or your kids, then once you know what that is, you have the power to decide whether it's something you want to act on, or whether they simply aren't worth it. It might be hard to hear if the reason is negative, but it can't be any worse than torturing yourself by endlessly speculating about it. Just phone up your folks and ask straight out: "I am hurt that you are all going away for Thanksgiving and not inviting us. Why didn't you invite us?" If they um and er and mumble something vague like "we-uh, didn't think you'd want to come, but I suppose you could if you want..." you might have to be assertive and insist in knowing the truth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 (edited) In your first post you said: I know that my parents and siblings get together and go out to eat or to the beach or whatever all together a few times/month, and that we're never invited. And I'm fairly fine with that - we probably wouldnt go anyway. Why would you probably not go? Is it because of the food allergies/sensitivities? Is it possible you are sending the message to them that you don't want to be included in these outings? If you are, how would they know to treat Thanksgiving differently? (Other than that it's a holiday, but it's also, for most people, a food-focused holiday.) Obviously I don't know if this is what's going on. You really need to talk to your folks. You need not to be afraid of dealing with this. :grouphug::grouphug: Edited September 28, 2012 by marbel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kolamum Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Even if it were allergies, that's a lame reason. We have them too, as do other members of our family, we simply bring acceptable foods for those who need them. :) Having said that, when we've had the occasional issue with family I've let my hurt child inquire of the person. An inlaw once told about all the lovely gifts she gave to other children in the family. My son got socks. He was 4. He wanted to know why he got socks, I said very politely, "I don't know why don't you ask N?" So he did. You know, she's never given him socks again. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwg Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 I get why you wouldn't ask :grouphug:. I had a similar situation. And each time it came up I would make up excuses (perhaps here they are worried about food, dont have enough money, the kids wouldn't be able to keep up, etc) and finally I got so mad I just asked. It turned out, in my case, they had not even thought of it :confused: Seriously! I still laugh when I think of my dad sputtering - though I was not laughing then. A few weeks later, he called me up and told me I needed a new kitchen and he was going to do it :lol: My mom-(they are divorced) told me I better not say anything else or the man would end up building me an entire house. So- if it were me I would ask. At least do that before you limit contact, etc. And it seems the right thing to do also if they are going to be dumb enough to blurt it out in front of the little ones :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blakereese Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Some families do seem to need and "outsider" to make the others "insiders".:confused: I don't like it but it happens. :iagree: To the OP, as hard as it it to muster up the courage, I'd come out and ask why you weren't invited. At least make them feel a bit uncomfortable and let them realize that you are hurt. It may be the combination of the allergies and having more children than your siblings. Who knows? But I would certainly ask, especially with my own parents. Do you usually spend Thanksgiving with them? :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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