We weren't invited for Thanksgiving... :-(

[NotSoObvious]

I'm sorry. I so understand. My family same thing. I moved across the country so I wouldn't have to feel like an outsider and excluded. Our relationship has improved since I moved away but, I'm still the "outsider". It sucks. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: same here. Verbatim.

 

I feel for you.

[HS Mom in NC]

Before you cut off or limit contact by assuming why they've excluded you, you should ask them. Assuming something could be a huge mistake and not something I would want someone to do to me.

 

 

Brainstorming Questions:

 

1. Do the plans for their Thanksgiving involve activities that are not age/ability/interest appropriate for you or your children?

 

2. Is there any aspect of how you run your household, how you parent your children, or the ages of your children that interferes with or affects how the rest of the group runs theirs? Example: Are you very spontaneous, go with the flow, move at your own pace, wait til the last mintue types while they are scheduled, structured, fast moving planners or vice versa?

 

3. Are there significant personality clashes between someone in your family and an extended relative who is invited?

 

4. Are there differences in values/morals/lifestyle between you and others that are invited that might affect their decision to invite you to this particular get together?

 

5. Are they planning something outside what they think is your family's budget?

 

6. Do you have different assumptions than they do about invites and events? Some people think everyone should be invited to everything while other people think only some people should be invited to certain events while others will be invited to other events at a later time.

 

7. Has there been any history of awkward, difficult, uncomfortable dynamics or conflict of any sort at any previous get togethers between anyone in your family and any of the rest of the extended family members?

 

8. Generally speaking, are your family and your extended family thick skinned, forgive and forget types, or would you say they tend to be the easily offended and hold a grudge types?

 

 

 

I have no idea why you're being excluded, but I know why my relatives were excluded.

 

My oldest brother, SIL and their two kids were sometimes excluded from family functions in the past for the following reasons:

 

1. The children were very badly behaved. There was at least a 50% chance there would be a serious behavior issue with at least one of the two kids at every get together and the parents would handle it badly. For example, when our family was invited by the Ladies' Sunday School class my Grandmother taught for her surprise party, that brother and SIL didn't get called (my mother was in charge of inviting relatives) because their kids couldn't sit in a restaurant without it turning into chaos. Why set them up for failure and ruin the party for everyone else?

 

2. SIL is very badly behaved. She often created or fed problems with her children by making a scene rather than taking the child aside, outside, or to another room to deal with things appropriately. She has been very controlling about food with her kids, so most of the issues were food related and our get-togethers revolve around meals. She had a hard time distinguishing between when she needed to restrict the child's choices for medical reasons (totally legitimate) and when she was being controlling for no good reason. My brother is a doormat.

 

3. Diets were a problem. Their oldest child used to have severe digestive issues that required a very limited diet, but the parents would arrive without something for the child to eat some of the time. It was awkward for the host to scramble to get something for the child when the parents had planned but forgotten to bring something appropriate. Including at birthday parties when there was nothing but cake and ice cream the child couldn't eat.

 

Their children have matured enough to notice what behavior is more socially acceptable and the oldest child has had great improvement with her digestive system, so it's not an issue much anymore. The controlling behavior is still around but it's not enough to cause a scene every time.