Do you ever feel like you're fighting everyone in your life? (grab a cup of coffee)

[Trivium Academy]

Since starting homeschooling, *I've* been exposed to all the educational theories, parenting theories, etc. I've read the books, prayed for clarification on what to do and now that I have a clear vision of what should be provided for our kids, I feel like I have to fight all the other adults in my life.

 

Fight is a strong word but honestly there are times that I just feel like I'm only climbing uphill b/c of the influence of adults around my kids. I dislike the feeling that I should teach the kids things that are contrary to what they see in the people that they *should* be able to look up to.

 

I'm not perfect by any means but I do have a clear vision of what I'm working towards with the kids but I find most of my time has been devoted to trying to undo what others have done. Fighting to correct destructive behaviors in my kids that others glaze over. My largest problem is with ds4- with quite a number of people spoiling him rotten, I have a daily struggle with him. The worst part is that I feel so alone in trying to raise them the way I feel they should be.

 

I know the selfishness I see in those around me is cultural as well as generation after generation of losing traditional values but what can I do? The worst part is that I see the damage where others act like "what's the harm?" and I feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall as I see ADULTS throwing common sense out the window to satisfy their own selfish agendas.

 

Of course no one is being verbally abusive towards me or being very outspoken about any of this other than the occasional, "What is your problem? It must be your way or you're not happy..." type comments when I do speak up. It's not about being my way, it's about identifying damaging behaviors and being responsible for raising children to be self-efficient, responsible adults. That strikes me as hilarious now that I see it typed. I'm asking adults to teach children how to the be opposite of themselves. :lol: Duh!

 

I know there are some things that are worth the battle, even if it is one person's battle but how do you keep motivated? How do you proceed without letting the ones closest to you, get to you? I feel undermined all the time, I am verbal about how I'm raising the kids b/c I want others around the kids to know what I'm doing but I get ignored.

 

Just some examples:

I want modest clothing for dd8, I voice my concern about two-piece swimsuits, heels and clothing that make her look like a mini-adult. Meanwhile others, including an authority figure in her life, (agrees with me verbally) buys her these things and when she brings them home, I get rid of them.

 

Ds4, anytime someone other than me takes him out into public, he gets a toy. This is despite my asking, pleading and downright begging for him NOT to. My requests are ignored and when I say I'm going to purge his toys I get a guilt-trip..."why would you want to take toys away from your little boy?" Me: "Because he doesn't play with them when their newness wears off and it's too hard to manage all that he gets." I've asked that no toys be bought except for birthday and Christmas and ever since that request, he seems to come home with even more!

 

I think I say either to myself or aloud, "Are you kidding me?" a lot these days. I'm even considering sending ds4 to preschool just to get him in another environment where sharing and cooperative learning is more apparent than what I can provide for him. I'm so torn and I feel like I'm failing my kids on a daily basis. I hate that feeling.

 

A woman in public yesterday said to me, "if he's not behaving at this age, he never will." That completely deflated me. There are times I feel so discouraged that I give up and become a little more selfish myself. Then I feel horrible that I did that and work towards what I feel I should be doing again. I'm tired of the merry-go-round.

 

I'm tired of feeling like the only one concerned and willing to do the hard work with the kids. I don't know what to do anymore. Dd8 is easier than ds4, she had a better beginning but with ds4- I feel so useless.

[Karen sn]

A woman in public yesterday said to me, "if he's not behaving at this age, he never will." That completely deflated me. There are times I feel so discouraged that I give up and become a little more selfish myself. Then I feel horrible that I did that and work towards what I feel I should be doing again. I'm tired of the merry-go-round.

 

I'm tired of feeling like the only one concerned and willing to do the hard work with the kids. I don't know what to do anymore. Dd8 is easier than ds4, she had a better beginning but with ds4- I feel so useless.

 

 

That woman has a point - let them be dishonest, disrespectful, and don't mind NOW and when they are 13 WATCH OUT!

 

HOWEVER - some kids ARE easier than others and it is very easy for people with passive kids to throw stones. My dd is a CONSTANT battle for me. But - she will do what I tell her for the most part and I can take her in public and she doesn't act crazy. When she was 5yo she could sit through an hour of Torah study with the elders and the rabbi, followed by just over an hour in the main sabbath service. The old ladies were IMPRESSED!

Talking back or ALWAYS having to have the last word however are daily struggles.

 

I think our society would benefit if mothers like the one who spoke to you would offer gently their advice if they have BTDT instead of acting high and mighty.

 

No kids are perfect either. I know some VERY well behaved children who are a PITA because they need constant approval and can't entertain themselves.

 

My dd entertains herself - needs very little approval.....but we power strugggle. However - because she is so independent, I am OK with this lot in life. You take the good with the bad. No one has a perfect kid.

[Soph the vet]

:grouphug: Jessica!

You are not alone. I think there are a lot of us who battle other significant people in our childrens' lives on a continual basis. Grandparents??? This is who I deal with usually. They now see the benefit of homeschooling but the spoiling still happens. I try to give them a "productive" list of things to do with the kids. Like, instead of giving dd9 a toy, my MIL can knit with her and show her new stitches. Instead of giving ds7 more stuff, Grandpa can go outside and play ball. We have pleaded for "one toy only" at Christmas or birthdays and they have tried to abide by that but it is still a struggle. Sometimes they get their kicks out of taking the dc out to dinner or to a show which we are fine with, after all they are grandparents and we need to let them have some fun:lol:.

Now, if it is your dh who is not jiving with your methods, that is a "whole nuther can o' worms". You need to be on the same page, especially with the modesty issue. I think it is great is DAD approves of dd outfits. My dh does this with dd9 and dd5. Dd5 resents it horribly;) but she'll learn.

 

You are certainly NOT failing your dc. Think of all the destructive behaviors you would have to "undo" if they were in school? As for preschool, each of my dc went two years to our church preschool, only 10 dc in class and a teacher who was great. Really depends on the school.

Keep pressing on and take one day and one battle at a time.

And 4 yr. olds do act up a lot and tend to do it in very public places. That does not mean he'll never behave!! That person obviously never had kids!

Soph

[VaKim]

We had the same problem. Thankfully, there just aren't that many "other" people in our lives. We actually had to completely cut ties with one set of grandparents. Otherwise, the kids were ALWAYS with us, the parents. That was the only way to prevent the influence of the other adults, because if a child is with another adult, that adult is the authority figure at that time, and it can certainly cause plenty of problems when they don't value what you do.

 

As the kids have gotten older and our values have become theirs, we don't have to worry so much about it anymore. Maybe still a little with the 9yo.

[Staci in MO]

Forgive me if I'm not getting a clear picture here, and I realize for privacy's sake you can't be specific, but I guess I look at things a bit differently.

 

I figure as a parent, it's my job to tow the hard line, so the other people in their lives can do the fun stuff.

 

My dc are at grandma's (my parents') this week. They are probably gorging themselves on Pop Tarts and asking my dad to buy them all sorts of nonsense.

 

Now, when I was young, my mother rarely bought Pop Tarts, and when she did, she only let me eat them as a dessert. And I remember very specifically being told by my parents that I couldn't have Strawberry Shortcake dolls because they cost eight dollars and eight dollars was a ridiculous price for a tiny plastic doll (this was in the early eighties, so they were right).

 

In the same vein, my grandma fed me soda and butter and sugar sandwiches on white bread before bed. I got to stay up much later at grandma's. When my mom was growing up, she only got soda on Friday after school.

 

I think kids are able to distinguish between special times and real life. They're with dh and me most of the time, so we're going to be the biggest influences. Even as a child, I knew that eating butter and sugar sandwiches on white bread was not something one did every day, but just something Grandma let me do because she was Grandma.

 

As for the toys, my mil is the toy buyer. We thank her, the kids play with them, and every once in a while we clean out and purge. I don't hide from anyone that we get rid of things from time to time, but I also don't really announce it to anyone, either. It's my house. The only thing we had to put a stop to is mil buying a bunch of "collector's items" and telling us to save the box. Dh had to finally tell her that we don't have room, so if she wants our dc to have a bunch of collector's items, she's just going to have to store them herself.

 

As for the clothes, occasionally something is given to my daughter that I don't think is appropriate. I chalk it up to the buyer not thinking it through or just the plain struggle to find modest clothing. I get rid of it quietly, and dd never misses it.

 

Now, I guess if the grandparents were telling the dc that they shouldn't listen to dh and me, that would be different. Everything is done in the spirit of, "you can't do/eat this all the time, but this week we're going to party."

 

I apologize if I've misread what's going on. I guess it would depend on the spirit in which these things are done. I turn a blind eye to a lot of things the grandparents do, because I know it's done in the spirit of fun.

[Trivium Academy]

As for preschool, each of my dc went two years to our church preschool, only 10 dc in class and a teacher who was great. Really depends on the school.

 

Should I look at what the options are? I know that if ds4 were to go to preschool it would have to be the free program that GA provides which requires 180 days attendance. It'd be full-time.

 

I have a preschool program for ds4 here at home that I love and want to use with him. I'm just having a very hard time determining what would be best for him at this time.

 

1. Mom at home, working with him while also trying to teach his older sister and maintain the home.

 

2. An environment where it is kid-based and group learning/cooperative situations are primary?

 

My dh doesn't care what I decide as long as ds4 is learning.

[Staci in MO]

No kids are perfect either. I know some VERY well behaved children who are a PITA because they need constant approval and can't entertain themselves.

 

My dd entertains herself - needs very little approval.....but we power strugggle. However - because she is so independent, I am OK with this lot in life. You take the good with the bad. No one has a perfect kid.

 

:iagree: I would rather head-butt constantly with a strong-willed child (which I am currently doing and will be doing for a lot more years), than try to parent a child whose sole motivation for behaving well is to gain the approval of others.

[Twinmom]

A woman in public yesterday said to me, "if he's not behaving at this age, he never will." That completely deflated me.

 

That comment was MEANT to deflate you, and was mean-spirited. Please, try to ignore it. Yes, there is a nugget of truth there (there usually needs to be for the comment to work! ;)). We DO need to teach our kids to obey while they are young. However, to say that a four year old should be mature enough to obey as he will as an adult or even an older teen is ridiculous! Kids mature, pick up skills, grow in obedience...that's part of the process. With your strong parenting, he'll likely improve with time!

 

It sounds to me like you have a spirited 4 yr old, and that's not a bad thing! I firmly believe that God puts that personality into some people for a specific use in the Kingdom of God. Where would we be without our warriors, our military men, our police officers, our lawyers, etc.? Just guide him w/o breaking him, and you'll be doing just fine. ;)

 

As for those who are fighting against your parenting standards, if you can't avoid them or convince them to do otherwise, you may have to compromise in some non-essential areas. Stick to your guns as well as you can but where you can't change things, find a way to work with them. For example, I'd advise continuing to chuck all those too-mature-for-you girl clothes, but on the toy issue...maybe put 1/2 of what he gets into an attic box and rotate the toys. When he's inevitably forgotten about some things, donate them quietly.

 

I'm sorry...I know how tough it is to be undermined. We moved away from some who did that to us, but you may not be able to do that.

 

edited to add: forgot to mention that I have my twin strongwilled 5 yr olds in part time preschool so that I can manage at home. Don't hesitate to do that if you need to! A decision for this year does not have to be a decision forever!

 

:grouphug:

[Trivium Academy]

You're right I can't really share too much more about the details but I think your overall point is actually very helpful. I can support each person's wish to spoil (whatever) and still ask for limitations. It might be the missing element, showing these individuals that I understand what they are doing and are not condemning them for wanting to do it but also hopefully making the times when these things happen be fewer in frequency.

 

Thank you Staci.

[stephanie]

Since starting homeschooling, *I've* been exposed to all the educational theories, parenting theories, etc. I've read the books, prayed for clarification on what to do and now that I have a clear vision of what should be provided for our kids, I feel like I have to fight all the other adults in my life.

 

Fight is a strong word but honestly there are times that I just feel like I'm only climbing uphill b/c of the influence of adults around my kids. I dislike the feeling that I should teach the kids things that are contrary to what they see in the people that they *should* be able to look up to.

 

I'm not perfect by any means but I do have a clear vision of what I'm working towards with the kids but I find most of my time has been devoted to trying to undo what others have done. Fighting to correct destructive behaviors in my kids that others glaze over. My largest problem is with ds4- with quite a number of people spoiling him rotten, I have a daily struggle with him. The worst part is that I feel so alone in trying to raise them the way I feel they should be.

 

I know the selfishness I see in those around me is cultural as well as generation after generation of losing traditional values but what can I do? The worst part is that I see the damage where others act like "what's the harm?" and I feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall as I see ADULTS throwing common sense out the window to satisfy their own selfish agendas.

 

Of course no one is being verbally abusive towards me or being very outspoken about any of this other than the occasional, "What is your problem? It must be your way or you're not happy..." type comments when I do speak up. It's not about being my way, it's about identifying damaging behaviors and being responsible for raising children to be self-efficient, responsible adults. That strikes me as hilarious now that I see it typed. I'm asking adults to teach children how to the be opposite of themselves. :lol: Duh!

 

I know there are some things that are worth the battle, even if it is one person's battle but how do you keep motivated? How do you proceed without letting the ones closest to you, get to you? I feel undermined all the time, I am verbal about how I'm raising the kids b/c I want others around the kids to know what I'm doing but I get ignored.

 

Just some examples:

I want modest clothing for dd8, I voice my concern about two-piece swimsuits, heels and clothing that make her look like a mini-adult. Meanwhile others, including an authority figure in her life, (agrees with me verbally) buys her these things and when she brings them home, I get rid of them.

 

Ds4, anytime someone other than me takes him out into public, he gets a toy. This is despite my asking, pleading and downright begging for him NOT to. My requests are ignored and when I say I'm going to purge his toys I get a guilt-trip..."why would you want to take toys away from your little boy?" Me: "Because he doesn't play with them when their newness wears off and it's too hard to manage all that he gets." I've asked that no toys be bought except for birthday and Christmas and ever since that request, he seems to come home with even more!

 

I think I say either to myself or aloud, "Are you kidding me?" a lot these days. I'm even considering sending ds4 to preschool just to get him in another environment where sharing and cooperative learning is more apparent than what I can provide for him. I'm so torn and I feel like I'm failing my kids on a daily basis. I hate that feeling.

 

A woman in public yesterday said to me, "if he's not behaving at this age, he never will." That completely deflated me. There are times I feel so discouraged that I give up and become a little more selfish myself. Then I feel horrible that I did that and work towards what I feel I should be doing again. I'm tired of the merry-go-round.

 

I'm tired of feeling like the only one concerned and willing to do the hard work with the kids. I don't know what to do anymore. Dd8 is easier than ds4, she had a better beginning but with ds4- I feel so useless.

 

 

:grouphug: Sorry Jessica.

 

I do know what you mean. Sometimes I think, "What is the matter with everyone around here?" I've been called over-protective, nit-picky, and extreme. It seems many times no one understands my goals for MY children are greater than the normal. I don't care if every other kid in the world does another behavior, because they are kids doesn't mean they can't be righteous, right? It's difficult to not feel overwhelmed when you feel like the only one diligently working towards raising your kids. Just remember, YOU were picked solely for your kids. God knew that you were the perfect mother, teacher, and witness for your kids. Don't lose sight of who your obligation is to. When I get down and discouraged I always remind myself that my kids are set apart,and it's my responsibility to them (and Him) that I raise them according to His standards. Everyone will not agree with the decisions you make, but that's ok. They aren't the ones who will be held accountable later. You are a wonderful, devoted mother. Honestly, you inspire many of us here on the boards. Your desire to provide the best for your kids gleams from you even over the internet. Don't forget your identity, and what your were called to do!

[gamommy]

Jessica, I feel your pain. This thread is especially timely for me as I'm leaving tonight for an extended trip to visit both sets of the family in New England. I'm already a bundle of tension and nerves because I'm anticpating another round of the battles that you described so well.

 

Both of our families don't really share or even understand the path that we walk with the Lord. They don't understand why we homeschool or why we raise our 4 dd's the way that we do. Our siblings raise their children much differently and it is so apparent as we spend time together.

 

I try hard to respect their choices, but I often don't feel that we get that same respect in return. For instance I don't criticize my SIL for her ultra-permissive parenting style or her constant yelling at the kids (yes, she let's them do whatever, but then yells about it). I don't criticize her choice of a p/s (a horrible one, both dh and I taught there prior to moving south). I don't even criticize the fact that her children have never been to church and don't know the Lord (although it deeply saddens me).

 

Yet she often feels free to say jokingly and not so jokingly to our girls how mean and ridiculously strict their parents are. To which my girls are like, huh?!? They are quite happy, thank you very much.

 

The modesty issue is a big one with our girls also. As they've aged I've grown so tired of people asking our olders about boys and boyfriends as well. We strongly discourage dating.

 

I try hard to enjoy our time together and to let things *roll* when possible, but it's tough. I wish that I didn't feel the need to shield and protect the girls from members of their own family!

 

As much as dh and I *know* that we're raising our girls as the Lord intended, it is still hard to stand against the current.

[stephanie]

Should I look at what the options are? I know that if ds4 were to go to preschool it would have to be the free program that GA provides which requires 180 days attendance. It'd be full-time.

 

I have a preschool program for ds4 here at home that I love and want to use with him. I'm just having a very hard time determining what would be best for him at this time.

 

1. Mom at home, working with him while also trying to teach his older sister and maintain the home.

 

2. An environment where it is kid-based and group learning/cooperative situations are primary?

 

My dh doesn't care what I decide as long as ds4 is learning.

 

Dd6 is quite the handful,and I sent her to pre-school where she did awesome. She's quite the social butterfly so she enjoyed it. I felt good b/c I spent those 3 hours working with my older dc, while she played and learned at school. Before she went she tend to walk around, wandering aimlessly, getting into mischief. In addition, she did learn a lot about working and agreeing with others. Being the baby at home she tends to get her way more than she should so it was good for her. HTH!

[Caroline]

Jessica, PM me about GA Pre K if you want to hear from someone who used it. I had one kid do it. The other three I felt compelled to go another route.

[Trivium Academy]

Did you homeschool her for K? This has been weighing heavy on me, I want to do what is right for ds4 but I'm scared to do the wrong thing. I'm more concerned with his attitude and willingness than his academics at this point and I'm scared that I'll fail him in this regard if I keep him at home. I'm struggling with feeling irresponsible for even thinking about sending him off to daycare/preschool when it is my job to train/raise him right. This is so hard.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

Did you homeschool her for K? This has been weighing heavy on me, I want to do what is right for ds4 but I'm scared to do the wrong thing. I'm more concerned with his attitude and willingness than his academics at this point and I'm scared that I'll fail him in this regard if I keep him at home. I'm struggling with feeling irresponsible for even thinking about sending him off to daycare/preschool when it is my job to train/raise him right. This is so hard.

 

I sent both of mine to pre-school, knowing that I would be keeping them home for school. It was really good for them to have that experience. I know you have great plans worked out, so that decision is a hard one. If you send him, can you pull him out part way if it is proving to be miserable?

 

If the dynamics are not right, do not feel like you have failed. It is a tough decision to make. Remember, any thing you do does not have to be permanent! If you think it is best to have him in a school (for pre or K or both), then do that without guilt. You can always bring him home at any time.

 

I pray you will come to some clarity with this. I know it is very difficult. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Peela]

Jessica,

That sounds really hard, and it's hard to know exactly who you are alluding to, but I wonder if its a lesson also for you to learn who and what you CAN control, and let the rest go to some extent? Because if you cant change them, and you can't, you are only going to hurt yourself trying to, and then you will be unhappy.

I don't know if you are referring to your husband in the lack of support, too, and if you are, I understand that it must be especially difficult not to have his support.

 

I don't want to sound like I am diminishing the realness and difficulty of your situation, but also remember the many children who have no grandparents at all. My kids see my parents every 3 years or so, and dh's mother more frequently (every 3-4 months), but she is getting old and she still cares for her severely disabled daughter, so she has never had much energy for my kids. So in effect, they see very little of grandparents. So, no one spoils them like that, but they also don't get the love and attention of extended family, at all- we are it- and I have never had one hour of babysitting from either grandparents, ever. Of course, it has it's blessings. We don't have the sort of issues you are having.

 

Actually, that's not true. Dh's mum is a clean freak who still watches her weight at 75, has had plastic surgery several times, looks 20 years younger, and is basically tremendously image conscious. She has mentioned to my completely normal weighted daughter SEVERAL times over the years that she better not eat to much of the cake she has just given her in case she gets fat, and made fun of her non-existent stomach in a teasing way. We ignore it- this woman is a dragon when crossed- and then we undo the potential damage on the way home in the car by talking to dd, who has quite good self image and self worth, so its not an area her well meaning grandmother is going to influence her in.

 

You have wonderfully high ideals, and such a pure heart....but somewhere along the line, maybe you are not allowing other people to be themselves, and accepting that they are doing what they see is best. If you set yourself against them, it will hurt everyone. But I may be off base, please forgive me- I can't tell.

 

I don't know how extreme the situation is. It would probably upset me too.

Perhaps not all of your son's behaviour is related to his being spoilt by others, though...he may actually be more of a "boy". My daughter, firstborn, was easy and well behaved, my son, 2nd born, was not. He threw massive tantrums frequently in public and we were quite strict, but often helpless to do much to stop them. We didn't parent them any differently, but they are very different. I cant count the number of times my husband carried his bawling, screaming son over his shoulder in public, pretending this was completely normal carrying on with his errands or whatever as if this was completely normal, smiling at people's judgements. He truly believes in disciplining kids, but there are times, with some kids, you just rid the wave and wait for it to pass, and accept your human helplessness.

 

I am finding as my kids become teenagers, I am having to become the bad guy more often. We have a wonderful connection, but they keep wanting to stretch the boundaries waaaaay beyond the beyond, and they act most surprised and hurt that I turn from nice, generous mum into unbudgable, bad mum. It's a part of parenting. Their friends get to do this or that, they tell me. I don't care, say I. Being the bad guy seems to be part of parenting, and it's ok.

 

If they are truly undermining you behind your back..... I would become a she lion, myself...but sometimes thats not the way to handle it, and you just have to let go and be the peacemaker for your children's sake.

[Tess in the Burbs]

we chose some things early on as to how we wanted to raise our children and it went against the norm and brought on a flood of criticism. It's only worse now that they are 6 and almost 5.

 

My own parents question and comment my choices every time they can. We have spent years with little interaction with all the family as no one seems to want to respect our choices. They don't like homeschooling but let us know the other grandkids in 2nd grade can't read. They buy all the junk I won't for my kids. They buy clothes with themes that go against our rules regarding clothing. And yes, I throw a lot out within 24 hours of receiving it. I don't donate clothes I wouldn't let my own daughter wear! Toys can be even trickier to disappear :tongue_smilie:

 

My dh made me realize years ago our choices were based on what we honestly thought God would want for our children and we should expect no one but GOD to understand our cultural battle. My stepmom made the comment to me last fall that by depriving my children of pop culture(read into this half dressed/disobedient to parents role models from tv/movies/toys) that my children will be outcasts. SO BE IT! They aren't of this world, they are God's children and so they don't need to fit in here.

 

It took some time for me to accept that we were that different than others. but we are. We limit media influence. we have final say about clothes they buy/wear. We don't have cable. my kids mostly get videos when we travel and on special movie times with the family. they don't know a lot of the current popular themes. And I am ok with that. Computer time is rare here. They are the only kids on the street whose parents come outside with them and you know what? all the neighborhood kids congregate in our yard. dh and I sit there and watch them ride bikes, play games and all the kids talk to us. My kids aren't shunned b/c they have parents who control more than other parents. The other kids continue to come over day after day and often say they wish their parents weren't so busy.

 

Take your stand. Learn to smile and not speak. "I will take that into consideration" is a wonderful reply to a lot of negativity. Convincing them of your way of thinking won't happen so don't waste your breathe. If you have to reply just say you have done a lot of prayer and research before choosing how to raise your children and while you appreciate their concern you want to have the chance to do this the way God wants you to.

 

It's hard. I still have really bad incidents with people. Especially family. But I have to believe that I made the right choices and be firm in my faith for my children's sake. Be constant. And it's ok to point out why Grandma's choice to buy something when you said no it not ok. The kids will learn to say no out of respect to you. Keep at it. My kids now ask me when a grandparent tries to give them candy :lol: They also ask if it's good for them. I say no, and my oldest says no more than not!!! They will learn your values. Even with the evil temptations around.

 

:grouphug:

[Old Dominion Heather]

Jessica,

 

I PMed you.

[Amy loves Bud]

Even as a child, I knew that eating butter and sugar sandwiches on white bread was not something one did every day, .

 

That is unless you had MY mother, then yes, butter and sugar on white bread was a perfectly reasonable thing to consume on a daily basis. Or mayonnaise on white bread.

 

Jessica,

 

I think Stacy's words are very wise. Just be quietly consistent here. Let the grandparents (to whom I assume you are referring) spoil, but just be quietly consistent.

 

I know it's frustrating, but from the other side of the coin, I would be thrilled for my kids to have a grandparent in their lives who even wanted to be around them for more than 5 minutes, much less wanted to spoil them. I suppose the grass is always greener. ;)

[laughing lioness]

:)Hey Jessica! I hope your move went great! (lol- having moved a zillion times I count a "great" move as one where the car didnt' break down, no-one threw up in the car, the dog didn't run away, etc).

 

I just read a great article on Cross Walk. I've linked it below. It might give you a boost with your son:)

Hardest Hit: Pastor's Sons -- Paul Coughlin

 

I wanted to add a book suggestion. "The Way They Learn" by Cynthia Tobias Ulrich. She has a great section on the strong-willed child. This might really give you some perspective with parenting. Also, Kevin Lehman has a good book on the strong-willed child.

 

I would encourage you to remain true to the vision you have. It sounds like your dh is fine with whatever so maybe you feel that you are carrying the burden alone? I felt that way for some time but then I realized what a gift all of that freedom to choose was. My dh trusted me with whatever decision and knew that I would choose the right one for our dc's. I am like you- a reasearcher. Sometimes I think that those of us who are thourough and research and really get stuff down tend to irritate those who don't (like certain family members). I have had family set out to prove that I was wrong with fervor. Over the years I've stood my ground. The funny thing is that they still don't approve and are still sniggly but the fruit of our labors are being realized. Visionaries can walk a lonely road. You are charting a new path, and in many ways re-defining normal. I have learned that when I am feeling discouraged or jealous or discontent that it is time for me to grow and that the circumstances or situation is forcing me to do that. My dh and I have a new mantra; "What is God trying to teach you through that?" You said you felt like you were fighting with everyone but what I read was that you weren't getting support or approval. Standing firm with boundaries and feeling at peace with that is difficult (especially for those of us who are "pleasers") but it's not necessarily adversarial- kwim.

[Chris in VA]

Jessica,

First, big hugs and lots of "YOU ARE A GREAT MOM" from me.

 

Dd went to preschool, 2 half days a week, when she was 3 and 4. But the preschool you are describing does not seem like one I'd pick-ymmv, of course. If it's free and full day, it will probably be run like a public daycare. I know your dd went to daycare, and I'm not slamming it. But honestly, my inclination is to support your efforts with him at home and not recommend that type of preschool. A half-day, few times a week program (with, as you know, excellent teachers, low class size, etc.) is a different animal. I would think seriously about that, but you will still combat the attitudes of the other parents. He will see sharing and all that, but he'll also be exposed to a lot of other things.

 

I can relate to the relatives giving constant toys and such, but we are "lucky" in that all of ours live far away. I do allow spoiling to some extent, but I have definite boundaries, as you do. The latest incident (minor) was when my mom had some books to give dd, which I didn't find up to my standards. I asked her not to, and to keep the new box of crayons she was going to give her, too--these were found and bought at a thrift store, so I knew she hadn't spent a wad. I usually welcome crayons, but we now have so many, we are trying to pare down. Her love language is gift giving, so I try to let her give, but sometimes I just want to scream at her to allow me to choose how to raise my own child! Every preference of mine that is contrary to hers seems like a personal rejection and criticism to her. Love her dearly, she's not going to change, blah blah blah. I get it. Just have to deal with it.

 

Take a deep breath, and remember Danny is on loan. You are doing fine, it's just hard. Small steps, keep seeking God, be a good example, remember the fruits come from abiding in the vine, and know lots of us truly understand.

Would it help if you wrote out a vision statement for your parenting of Danny? Really specific, for this season?

 

Hang in there. You are dear to me.

[Scarlett]

I think kids are able to distinguish between special times and real life. They're with dh and me most of the time, so we're going to be the biggest influences. Even as a child, I knew that eating butter and sugar sandwiches on white bread was not something one did every day, but just something Grandma let me do because she was Grandma.

 

I think this might be what it boils down to Jessica. ds8, has some indulgent grandparents, but that is part of the joy of HAVING grandparents. Someone else mentioned what a blessing it is to have grandparents in your childrens' lives and I totally agree. YOU and your dh will be the prevailing influence in your kids lives. I believe that time proves that again and again. So I think you can worry less about the conflicting messages your kids might be getting and just focus on what you've been doing---which is a great job at parenting your kids.

 

The lady in public yesterday....I totally agree that was mean spirited. What a judgemental person to say such a thing! I rolled my eyes when I read her quote and thought, 'oh really? I guess HER children popped out fully grown with no impulse control issues to work out.'

 

Also, I know it is hard to parent your dd with her dad who is not your dh. That is hard---having to parent with two different men! That is a lot of emotional work I imagine.

 

As far as your ds4, I say put him in preschool or don't. I don't think HE needs it but you might. :) He will straighten up and things will smooth out as he gets a little older, but if you need a few hours a week break from him, *I* won't judge you.

 

:grouphug:

 

ETA: I guess I didn't read closely enough about the preschool. I agree with Chris that I wouldn't do a full day program for him. Maybe a few hours a week, but not more.

[Trivium Academy]

Tears to my eyes Chris. "I'm a little verklempt" You're so right and I struggle with the rejection thing too. I have too many gift-giving love languages around me! Lol. I need more acts of service!!! Lol. Bless you friend.

[Jayne J]

Let me just pipe in to say that like you and many other posters, I too face the EXACT same issues (and my dd is only 3!!! You should have seen me as I was wiping the lipstick and blush off her perfect little face!!!!!!:cursing:) This seems to be some sort of modern plague. I mean, do you remember your Gparents (I'm making assumptions here, I know) being sooo attentive?? Mine told me to go outside and leave them alone ;).

 

I will simply say that any parent who cares so deeply about her children, as you obviously do, cannot go far wrong. No matter what outside influences come in, they cannot help but see your deep love and concern for them, and respond to it. :grouphug:

[Nestof3]

A woman in public yesterday said to me, "if he's not behaving at this age, he never will."

 

First of all, Jessica -- this is a lie. Do not believe in time limits, believe in the grace of God! Parenting has been the most difficult, exhausting thing I have ever done. You already know this about me, but I became the mom of an 8 year old, and I honestly look back at all of my failures (horrid) and the absolute lack of attention and training he had been given and cannot hold back the tears when I see that he is now 18 and quite a testimony to God's grace in both of our lives. If I could raise perfect children, there would be no need for Christ at all.

 

Now, I can also empathize with you when you feel that you have a clear vision of how to parent in many ways but other make this difficult by countering it. Trust me -- I know. My parents live a half a mile down the street! I have had many uncomfortable situations with my Dad because he would laugh whenever my boys did something wrong! My mom does her share of spoiling, though she really tries pretty hard to stay within the lines, and I try to allow her to splurge from time to time.

 

For example, I let her take the boys for ice cream right before dinner once every few months because it really doesn't matter -- they are making great memories. I will not budge on other things -- like Halloween. We just don't do it in any shape or form. One year she asked if they could pass out candy with her, and I had to say no. There has been a slow progression to this -- making Halloween crafts and such, and it has been difficult.

 

If those adults do not follow your wishes, you have every right to take care of it when your son gets home. You could also create a wishlist of books, games and educational items and ask that they buy from the list when they feel like splurging. Perhaps this person could take your children to Barnes and Noble instead of Toys R Us, for example?

 

Hang in there Jessica!

[DB in NJ]

:grouphug:

 

Jessica, this codeine I'm on is preventing me from writing a meaningful, thoughtful response. So I'll just give you a hug and tell you that you're a good mom :)

[Trivium Academy]

:ROTFL: I love it Donna! Thank you for the laugh, enjoy your high or delirium!

[cin]

Jessica,

 

I wonder, how often do the grandparents appear in your life? We had to set hard and fast rules because gramma was here Thursday and Friday, every week. She complained, but we explained to her that, if she were here 1 day a month, or every 6 mos, she would be allowed a little more leeway. BUT 2X weekly undoes EVERYTHING we've spent the last 7 days working on. Now she has alzheimer's and doens't remember 'all the rules' (no chocolate and no driving with the kids) but dd, 7 is old enough to know the rules, and to know WHY we have the rules. As far as toys and clothes go, it would just simply disappear within a week or so, if it didn't fit our standards. Noone seemed to know or care. Including the kids.

 

If they are close and can be around daily, you might want to limit their time to 1X week or maybe even 1X every 2 weeks. That way it would be a 'special' day and you won't have to deal with undoing what has been done.

 

Hugs,

[Nestof3]

This has been weighing heavy on me, I want to do what is right for ds4 but I'm scared to do the wrong thing. I'm more concerned with his attitude and willingness than his academics at this point and I'm scared that I'll fail him in this regard if I keep him at home. I'm struggling with feeling irresponsible for even thinking about sending him off to daycare/preschool when it is my job to train/raise him right.

 

Jessica, my oldest thanks me to this day that I homeschooled him. He very much links his character to the fact that he was homeschooled under a watchful eye -- with his character being shaped along the way. You are the best equipped to mold your child's character.

[Trivium Academy]

Yep! I was raised in the "children are to mind their parents the first time, be seen and not heard, ask for permission to speak" type of household. All this permissive stuff goes completely against my raising! I cannot stand to throw food away, when growing up we ate what was put in front of us or not at all. Now it's, "if s/he doesn't like it, you shouldn't force them to eat it." Or even worse, "s/he doesn't want to eat that but they need to eat so give them something they like [insert something that they shouldn't eat here] so that they will eat."

 

Huh? Lol. Do you ever wonder if your kids will see you as the crazy one and everyone else as normal? Lol.

[Trivium Academy]

I feel so blessed to have a place to come (where everyone knows your name) and can commiserate, inspire, encourage and just be there for each other. Thank you so much, I was crying when I typed the first post and now I've cried more, laughed and felt renewed as well as humbled in some areas. I cannot thank you enough, I just hope to be there for each of you when you need it like I did this morning.

[Angela in GA]

I have no words of advice for you, but I did send one of my kids to the GA Pre-K program. It wasn't a full day program for us. I think she was there for 2-3 hours. She really enjoyed it. She didn't learn much, but she's a late bloomer, so it was no fault of the teacher.

[Alice]

I haven't read all the other replies, so hopefully I'm not just repeating what everyone else said.

 

If a kid who misbehaves at 4 is doomed....well, I guess I might as well throw in the towel with you. Seriously, that's just ridiculous. Yes, I agree that the foundation that we lay at a young age will have influence when they are a teen. And a kid who is never disciplined when young will be much harder to get to obey as a pre-teen or teen. But the parenting journey isn't complete at 4! or 7, or 10, or 14, or 18. Every day is a new challenge. I've definitely had those public moments where ds is misbehaving and I feel judged by those around me. And for me, as a pediatrician, it always seems like both kids are completely out of control and I'm losing it as I shouldn't right when one of my patient's families walks by! That's gotta inspire their confidence in me. Either that or we're eating something really horrible for you and run into my patients. :)

[6packofun]

A woman in public yesterday said to me, "if he's not behaving at this age, he never will." That completely deflated me. There are times I feel so discouraged that I give up and become a little more selfish myself. Then I feel horrible that I did that and work towards what I feel I should be doing again. I'm tired of the merry-go-round.

 

I'm tired of feeling like the only one concerned and willing to do the hard work with the kids. I don't know what to do anymore. Dd8 is easier than ds4, she had a better beginning but with ds4- I feel so useless.

 

"If you don't have tact by YOUR age, you'll never have it." So there! LOL

 

Come on, your little boy is 4...do you really believe that lady over what you've seen in your own child's life? I think you need to relax and realize that for many years to come, regardless of the other influences that occasionally make their way into your kids' lives, YOU (and dh) are the most important influence! You are also the example for how to deal with the stresses, those who live and believe opposite to your goals--and your children will feed off of that, too. Balance the "fight" with the strength of your convictions...strong, but gentle. I know that I am a critical person and now that my kids are older, they sure do hold a LOT of the beliefs and opinions that I do...and they can also be critical of others who don't! Rats. lol Working on it!

 

You are so hard on yourself. I recognize it. LOL The weight of this responsibility is so stinking huge, isn't it? It's terrifying to me sometimes and I always live in fear of failure in one of these many areas that I feel God holds me accountable for these children's lives! It's a heavy burden that I must try to make light *daily*. I don't want my kids to see parenting and educating them as the source of my frustrations or anger or defensiveness or lack of self-confidence! I'll unleash that on my dh. KIDDING!! ;)

 

Find the soul of your homeschooling and your family again. Cling to that and pray for that to be at the heart of your children's lives--that and God's word--so that even at this young age, they will *not* be influenced by those things that go against what you want for them. They WILL see them as frauds! Kids are so smart and they do understand that *things* don't mean as much as those other people think! You're giving them that discernment. And don't let it become a source of strife for you. This is one of those pick your battle type things and I say choose the offense, not the defense. It's not fun to parent and educate in reaction. :)

[Once]

Keep on keeping on Jessica. You are headed in the right direction and God knows the way. I am sorry you have to face this especially as you are probably still worn out and busy from your move. Give your self time to recover and take care of you. Your not wrong for wanting these thing for dc but they will learn it from you even when others are "teaching" other things!

 

:grouphug:

[ClassicMom]

Jessica :grouphug:

 

As homeschoolers, most of us have at least one of "those" people in our lives that make us feel that we are fighting an uphill battle and know just how to push that right button to completely deflate us.

 

Your son is four and four-year-old boys are a bit rambunctious. It seems from all of your posts that you have only the best intentions for your children. I think a year in a public preschool would cause you to need a year of PS detox.

 

Just take the next year and focus on some character training. Maybe your husband can set down some house rules with the people that aren't hearing you about bringing in all the toys and clothing? Love on your little guy and have some great experiences reading and nature hunting together. There is a big change between four and five. Just take a peek in your Sunday School rooms at church. ;)

 

Your son needs his mommy next year. :001_smile:

[HollyinNNV]

 

I'm tired of feeling like the only one concerned and willing to do the hard work with the kids. I don't know what to do anymore. Dd8 is easier than ds4, she had a better beginning but with ds4- I feel so useless.

 

 

I also have an older dd (14) and younger ds (8). All of my adult friends that also started with a dd agree with me: I thought my sweet dd was the result of my great parenting skills. The ds comes along and lets me know that dd's behavior has little to do with me.:D

 

As far as your ds, you are NOT useless. You are probably just tired. Didn't you just move? Holy cow, girl! Cut yourself some slack! Kids really act out after a move. After moving from CA to NV to TX back to NV I know this to be a truth!

 

My dh is also less (on the outside) concerned about parenting. But, if both of us were as driven as I am (and maybe you are?) then it would be a stressful situation. You need ying and yang (yin and yeng?).

 

Anyways, I know that you posted about a bunch more than I am responding to. But, a lot of your stress might be related to moving, so:grouphug:

 

Sending some peace your way.......

Holly

[Peela]

Yep! I was raised in the "children are to mind their parents the first time, be seen and not heard, ask for permission to speak" type of household. All this permissive stuff goes completely against my raising! I cannot stand to throw food away, when growing up we ate what was put in front of us or not at all. Now it's, "if s/he doesn't like it, you shouldn't force them to eat it." Or even worse, "s/he doesn't want to eat that but they need to eat so give them something they like [insert something that they shouldn't eat here] so that they will eat."

 

Huh? Lol. Do you ever wonder if your kids will see you as the crazy one and everyone else as normal? Lol.

 

I wonder, Jessica, how you handle it when a grandparent says such a thing?

In my home, they would never get to say such a thing twice- I would get so mad, I would say something that made it very clear they had no right to interfere with my parenting in that way. I would rather have continuing conflict with a grandparent that put up with undermining of my parenting in that particular way, which is actually terribly insensitive and rude, and disrespectful of you.

Toys, presents, inappropriate clothes, those things wouldnt bother me as much because i would just disappear them. But directly countermanding me in front of my children! Wow, not twice.

Truly, they would never be allowed near me or my children again until they showed ME more respect.

But I don't attract that, if you know what I mean. I am wondering if you are too nice, try to accomodate them, then go away and boil over? Are you direct, do you confront them, do you teach them how to treat you better?

Its like people who have strangers criticise their parenting- like that woman did to you- or their choice of homeschooling. No one does that to me, ever, not to my face anyway. I think its just the vibe I put out, honestly. I think some people just have a sweet, innocent look, and a "tell me what you really think" sticker on their forehead.

The anger would drive me to action. but I am quite fiery when provoked, even though I am fairly passive the rest of the time, and most people don't do it again. We did have a couple of confrontations with dh's mum in the early years, and she complained but didn't continue the behaviour.

The difference may be that dh was right there putting his own mother in her place.

[Kim in SouthGa]

we are definitely the "black sheep" of both families. We are very conservative Christians, and I find we are even the odd balls in some Christian circles. I am finding that as the kids get older, and they just blantantly come out and say" We don't watch that show", or "We don't wear bikinis", things are a little (and I do mean little) easier. We just got back from a family trip, with all my dh's siblings and their kids, plus his dad and some aunts and their kids. All I will say is that it is a shame we have so many of the same issues with family as we do with the "world"..and they are supposed to be believers! I often doubt myself and think I must be overly strict, but I know in my heart how God wants me to raise these kids, and I just have to keep plugging along. And keep reminding my kids that it doesn't matter what their cousins and neighbors do, we have our own set of rules and they have to trust us to know what is best for them.

As for your little guy, just be patient. My oldest ds, who is 12 now, was a total handful. I saw big improvement when he hit age 5. He was very strong-willed, and it just took him a while to get it.

[chaik76]

I don't have much advice to offer here...but, we have the same problems with toys from authority figures as you do. I don't know if this is something you could implement...but every time my ds is given a new toy (or 3!) he must get rid of the same number of toys. He did not like this at the beginning (we began doing this around age 4), but we explained to him that there are a lot of children out there who aren't as lucky as him, and they would love to have some of the toys he doesn't play with any more. He picks which toys to box up (with some suggestions from us), and occasionally goes with me to the Salvation Army when we drop them off. This did take time to implement, and the beginning held some tears, but there are times now when he will actually bring me toys that he no longer plays with to give away.

 

We still have too many toys...we recently boxed all but ten up, and when ds wants a toy from one of the bins, we get it for him. I told him that in six months the rest will go to the Salavation Army, because those are the toys he doesn't play with any more.

 

For behavior, I occasionally still get comments about ds' behavior in public. I ignore them. I can see the improvement, and the people who comment aren't there to see his behavior every day. We are very strict, but that doesn't mean that ds, even at 6, always listens. But he's learning! Age 4 was exceptionally tough for us...far worse than the twos! He's the sort of kid that will challenge every. single. boundary. that we set for him. People in public (and relatives!) will always have things to say about the way you parent. For the most part, I've just learned to roll with the punches. We have had to say things to some close family members...overall, they've dealt with it well (not with the toy thing though!). But it's still something we have to watch diligently.

 

I'm going to stop writing now. This is sort of disjointed...I just woke up, and I'm not sure I'm making any sense! Here's a :grouphug: though. If no one's reminded you lately, you're a great mom, and I bet in a few years people will be complimenting you on ds' behavior!

[summer]

It is a constant fight here. First are my inlaws, which I posted about before. Let's just say, MIL makes Mommy Dearest look nice. She is and always has been destructive to every single thing in DHs life and now our lives together.

 

Then in my own family, my brother thinks kids should just be given everything from cell phones to lap tops. He even makes it clear that he objects to my children being allowed to take any sort of community college courses in high school. He believes my DD needs to go back to school and be on the drill team. He wants my sons to be in the band if they do not want to play football. If they cannot be in the band, then at least water boy would make him happy. I get frequent insults and put downs and looks of disapproval all the time from him. He keeps saying I am making my children weird and such. he throws in a lot worse put downs too..like claimed that the only reason I homeschool is I could never handle authority myself so I couldn't get along in school. To the contrary, I was in the honors program, did very very well in school, my teachers loved me and I was quite involved. My brother had no clue what was going on as he was too busy skipping school and having a party. The so called authority that my brother felt I could not obey was him..and he is a year older! He always felt that I need to answer to him because he was older. uugghh!! I try not to let him bother me, but when he calls my elderly grandmother to make up stories about me, my poor poor sweet grandmother calls me concerned and upset. She ends up confused and all. It makes me mad as I love my grandmother and have always been close to her and even lived with her for a while. But she is much older now and my brother has been known to tell her that my children are not allowed contact with anyone outside our house and I keep them locked inside and won't even let them talk on the phone. This was completely untrue! And oddly, I was only homeschooling one child at the time but it had been forgotten so when my grandmother spoke to me about it, I had to remind her that DD was my only homeschooler and that she went to 2 coops, soccer, American Heritage Girls, and frequently had friends over. My public schooler went to school, did his time, and then came home.

 

My mother doesn't complain about me homeschooling DD anymore really. But she does not want it to spread. She seems to be about damage control now. She has made references..said in a way like my children are delinquents "those children need to be in school!" Both she and my brother will make remarks like "you cannot hide them from the outside world for forever."

 

My younger sister is a lot better about things. Only problems I really have with her are the ones I posted that are personal life between her and I type stuff. She constantly puts friends over family. But, as far as homeschooling goes, she is fine with it and she is a public school teacher and actually has been very supportive of some parents going to homeschooling from her school.

 

My older sister lives far away and does not say much. I do know she is adament against homeschoolers, but then leaves it at that and says she will NOT discuss it.

 

Then there are my neighbors who clearly hate homeschooling and think I am a bad person for doing it. One big ole red neck guuy actually yelled at me and ripped in to me for not sending my children to our great public schools!

 

And then there are the public schools. I get told to just send my child who has ASD. I have tried and tried to explain over and over again that our local public schools simply do not really do special education services, despite what federal law may have to say about it. Because...how do you enforce the federal law? You spend thousands and thousands of dollars on lawyers...and so many years in court that your child will graduate by time you get it resolved. Even then, it probably will not go in your favor..because it is the public school program watching the public school program. And many judges sent their kids to public school and think the schools are "just fine."

 

But then..even in every day life..there are constant things going on. This is referring to stuff like being over billed by the phone company (I want to know how Verizon thinks we ran up a $78,000 phone bill in 28 days) or the hospital (I did NOT give birth 4 times that day!). Or the ticket I got for running a stop sign "I know you stopped, you just did not stop long enough" the officer says. uugghh!

[Ginger]

Jessica, I feel for you with the food thing...I can totally relate. My inlaws live one street over. We usually have dinner with them every Sunday and often Saturday. So it isn't like this is a few times a year visit with grandparents who spoil them. My kids are very picky eaters. But over there they are even worse because they know grandparents will give them whatever they want. I try to be the one to fix the kids plates--but when the kids gripe, fil says "you don't have to eat it--you're at our house" or if they want a 3rd cup of strawberry milk without having touched their food: "sure--milk is good for you". Or an hour later, after they have thrown out all the food they didn't eat(ie...not a bite on their plate was touched) and want desert:"of course---they have to eat something or they'll be hungry". If it was my family, I wouldn't put up with it. But I feel it is more dh's place to stand up to his parents.

[summer]

 

 

A woman in public yesterday said to me, "if he's not behaving at this age, he never will." That completely deflated me. There are times I feel so discouraged that I give up and become a little more selfish myself. Then I feel horrible that I did that and work towards what I feel I should be doing again. I'm tired of the merry-go-round.

 

 

To that woman, I would have looked her down and then back up and said "I see you know from experience" and walked away.

[Carpe Diem]

that woman's comment (sorry don't know how to copy text) was rediculous.

 

To expect a 4 year old to be perfect with behavior she doesn't obviously understand child development. All I know is that my own dc who could throw a temper tantrum or be quite naughty at times have grown into lovely well behaved children with a few more years of development.

 

She was just trying to hurt you. She must have felt insecure by your wonderfulness!!!! :)

[Melissa in CA]

A woman in public yesterday said to me, "if he's not behaving at this age, he never will."

 

This is entirely untrue. Don't believe a word of it.

 

I don't have the time to read all the posts so far, but I just want to encourage you to keep on keeping on. My oldest was HORRIBLE!!!!!! And his being the first grandson did not help matters at all. I did not know what to do with him and felt at a loss daily. He was such a struggle. Ugh! I remember going into my room, closing the door, and crying (sometimes screaming) into my pillow. I did not understand why God would give me such a difficult child, and why, OH WHY, did everyone have to spoil him so and then look at ME like I was a terrible mother??!! I remember one time my father in law having a "talk with us" about him. :glare: He told us that he was, well, basically a MONSTER and that we needed to DO something! I just shook my head and thought....OK, WHAT?? I am doing everything I know to DO! Is there a magic potion I need to give him? Errrrr! People are great at telling you what is wrong, but not so great at solutions. I was very consistent in my parenting and I honestly did not know what else to add to that. He was just a very strong-willed child.

 

Fast forward to now. This child is now a wonderful, wonderful young man. Around 4th grade I started to see a gradual change for the better and he got better and better every year. I am very proud of him. EVERYONE loves this boy and he would do anything for anyone. He is the one who, when I had had a long day shopping, would clean the house up for me to surprise me when I got home. He would always do nice things around the house; clean my car out; wash dishes, etc. Just a great, giving child. My other boys? HA!!!! :lol:

 

All this to say...don't give up. Be consistent. He may really surprise you one day. ;)

[The Governess]

A woman in public yesterday said to me, "if he's not behaving at this age, he never will."

 

I have yet to meet a four year old that I considered well behaved. Certainly my children don't deserve that label! What in the world could she be basing this on??

 

My mother-in-law is constantly commenting about what a difficult child dh was when he was growing up. He caused her some serious grief. But he managed to grow up to be a conscientious, well-behaved, successful adult and a great father. I think many times the traits that cause children to misbehave when they are younger become assets when they are older.

 

And I totally get your frustration with other people not respecting your parenting choices. I would never think to go against a parent's wishes so this behavior completely baffles me. My mom does this to me a lot, although she is getting better. It drives me nuts every time.

[pianoplayer]

:grouphug:Jessica, my heart goes out to you! I hope that we can all give you some hugs and encouragement and prayers for encouragement and wisdom for the difficulty you're facing. As folks have said to me before, "Tie a knot and hang on!" :)

Yep! I was raised in the "children are to mind their parents the first time, be seen and not heard, ask for permission to speak" type of household. All this permissive stuff goes completely against my raising! I cannot stand to throw food away, when growing up we ate what was put in front of us or not at all. Now it's, "if s/he doesn't like it, you shouldn't force them to eat it." Or even worse, "s/he doesn't want to eat that but they need to eat so give them something they like [insert something that they shouldn't eat here] so that they will eat."

 

Huh? Lol. Do you ever wonder if your kids will see you as the crazy one and everyone else as normal? Lol.

We have a saying for this in our household--"Who are you, and what have you done with our parents?" It has actually slipped out in front of our parents a couple of time. :lol:

 

Now, as to the woman's comment on your 4 year old--as I read what she said, I had in my mind's eye the now 6-year-old son of a friend. When that kid was four, he was an absolute terror! However, my friend didn't give up, and now, with two years more maturing, he has become a pleasant and respectful young man whom my kids enjoy playing with. . . . And it didn't happen because he was "properly trained" by 4--it happened because his parents didn't quit training him (and still have not!). As the Scripture verse says, "Do not be weary in well doing, for in due season you shall reap if you faint not." :)

 

I have no advice on the question of whether to put him in a preschool program, however, I am concerned that you NOT choose that recourse because you think you are failing him! One of the best things this boy has on his side is a loving, smart, funny, organized, tenacious mom who's willing to fight like a mama bear to teach and train him! :)

 

As to the problem of others spoiling our children: there have been times when my husband has confronted his parents regarding problems. IMO, that is always preferable to me having to do it. If my parents are the problem, I will "spearhead" the confrontation, although DH is always there to back me up. Our parents were strict and conservative with us, yet it periodically seems like they are trying to badger us until we crack over what our children are allowed. Yes it gets wearisome, but we cannot give up and give in with them any more than my friend could give up and give in to her toddler son when he was an unholy terror!

 

Finally, on the modesty issue: stick to your guns and don't back down. Your daughter is old enough to explain to her the WHYS of your decisions. Teach her what it means to dress modestly and how to choose clothes that are modesty. And, while you're are it, teach her that her worth is NOT about what she is wearing and whether it is like what others wear. All that to say, if a family member or family friend chooses something that is not modest for my daughter, I would not feel one bit of angst over throwing it out AND I would calmly explain, if that person asked, why my daughter was not allowed to wear that item of clothing.

 

Be encouraged, Jessica! If these problems make you feel crazy and abnormal, you've got lots of friends here just like you, I think. :lol::D

[muffinmom]

I can mainly offer empathy. Dh's parents (particularly MIL) are high-volume gift-givers. The Christmas before last, my 2 small kids came home with 21 gifts between them--just from the grandparents alone! We. purge. a lot. And after repeated requests to limit the volume, we feel like we have sounded the warning, and if they want to continue to shell out and overbuy then they can be content with the fact that much of it will be given away.

 

And then there's the nutrition issue. I'm not ridiculously strict, but I have limited my children's sugar intake over the years (i.e., no sugar drinks, not even juice), tried to generally serve them healthy food, etc. Dh's family doesn't understand this (though they are all battling weight in some form). What was stunning to me was that at my dd's 1st birthday, I had made a healthier, individual carrot cake for her. It actually was very tasty, and not extreme at all--we make these and eat them as muffins for breakfast. Well, SIL came over and asked if she could feed dd one of the chocolate cupcakes that I had bought for everyone else. Even though dd was happily eating and enjoying the carrot cake, apparently it wasn't enough in my SIL's eyes. She seemed to feel sorry that my one-year-old was going to be deprived on her birthday and felt compelled to rectify this travesty. Why not just eat your cupcake and mind your own business? Sigh...family.

 

As far as the preschool issue, I sent my ds to preschool when he was 3.5, which was where he stayed until we started homeschooling in Kindergarten. It was a church-run preschool, and he and we had the best, most loving experience there. It let him get an idea of what school is like, gave me a break with the new baby coming, and I'm glad we did it. One benefit, especially for boys, is that you can use that experience to draw on later. For example, when ds would complain about this or that, or want to color all day, or want to play with toys while we "did school," I would always say, "Did Ms. Angie let you do that at preschool?" Being at preschool helped him understand the relationship of teacher and student a little bit (read: authority), and then it was easier for him to see that mom wasn't being so unreasonable in her requests.

 

Hope that helps, Jessica.

[Susan in TX]

A woman in public yesterday said to me, "if he's not behaving at this age, he never will." That completely deflated me.

 

That woman must not have very much parenting experience or she can't remember how her children really acted when they were four. In my experience (and I have a lot of it) four year olds can be just as terrible as two year olds. It is perfectly normal for a four year old to misbehave, especially a four year old boy. And you don't have to be a perfect parent to raise good kids. He will grow up and not act like a four year old anymore. Don't worry so much about how you are parenting...just enjoy your kids!

 

Susan in TX