WWYD: Would you tell the Dad?

[Pixjen]

Backstory: About a month ago a single dad moved across the street. He has a 6yr old DD and 3yr DS. We've met the family, but my DS and his kids haven't played together until today.

 

My DS wanted me to invite the 6yr old girl over to play, so I went to her house to ask. The dad is away and the babysitter, whom I've never met before, was quite happy to send her off to our house to play. I was a bit perturbed because I never let me kids go to a stranger's house, and tried to back out of the invite, but it didn't work.

 

I took the little girl back after an hour because I felt uncomfortable with the situation. She's perfectly sweet, but the whole thing just felt wrong to me. Not five minutes later she's back with her 3yr brother and said the babysitter sent them over to play.

 

Um.... :001_huh: :blink: :001_huh:

 

So they've been here for the past 1/2 hour playing, and they are both very sweet. But my house isn't childproofed for a 3yr, and plus....isn't SHE getting paid to watch them? I'm an odd duck in the neighborhood because I'm the only parent that doesn't let their kid/s play at other houses unless I've known the parents for at least a year. I really do prefer to have kids play at my house anyway, so I try not to judge other parents who feel differently. But this seems a bit of a stretch to me.

 

Should I tell their dad that his babysitter sent his kids over to my house? I'm a total stranger to her! Plus I've only met the dad just once, and only for a moment. Not to mention, he's PAYING her to watch them, not me. Should I say anything to the babysitter?

 

Thoughts? Comments? Suggestions?

[mommy5]

Hmmm...that is a tough one. I would probably try to bring it up in a conversation with the dad ... to see if he had any idea that his babysitter allowed that. I guess I do see that as a safety issue type of thing. She had never met you before but let these children go over to your house? That does sound odd.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Yes, say something! But not to the babysitter. Watch for the Dad to come home and tell him. He'll get to learn two very important facts:

 

1. His babysitter is sending his very little kids out to parts unknown, and

2. His neighbor (you) is a nice, caring lady.

 

If he wanted his children to roam the neighborhood he could have just left them home alone. He hired the babysitter for a reason.

[dangermom]

Yeah, the dad needs to know.

[magnificent_baby]

I would say something to both.

 

Just tell the sitter you aren't comfortable with them leaving their house without him being home. Don't worry about offending her, she probably won't think twice about it.

 

Mention to the Dad the situation when you see him next.Then invite the older one over again at a pre-arranged time. Take him cookies since they are new neighbors. :001_smile:

[kristi26]

Yeah, tell the dad. He needs to know that his sitter is sending his children out to strangers' houses. I'd want to know for sure! And I like the idea of bringing cookies...

[Mélie]

Yes, I would mention it to the dad the next time you see him.

 

But, I think it makes a difference whether this is an occasional "babysitter" or a full-time "nanny". If she doesn't watch the kids regularly, she should have checked with the dad first. If she's been taking care of them full time for months or years, this is probably her call to make. Either way, it's better to make sure he knows what's going on.

[Slipper]

I would tell the Dad (and send cookies). But, I would tell the Dad while you are inviting the children over to play. I would be worried that he might think you are complaining about his kids coming over.

[Catwoman]

Yes, say something! But not to the babysitter. Watch for the Dad to come home and tell him. He'll get to learn two very important facts:

 

1. His babysitter is sending his very little kids out to parts unknown, and

2. His neighbor (you) is a nice, caring lady.

 

If he wanted his children to roam the neighborhood he could have just left them home alone. He hired the babysitter for a reason.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

I would have also said something directly to the babysitter about how I wasn't going to do her job for her, but I'm kind of snotty that way. :tongue_smilie:

[Joanne]

Letting kids play @ neighbor's homes is very common. It is fine, of course, that you have a different standard, but I fail to see the real issue here.

[Murphy101]

Yes, say something! But not to the babysitter. Watch for the Dad to come home and tell him. He'll get to learn two very important facts:

 

1. His babysitter is sending his very little kids out to parts unknown, and

2. His neighbor (you) is a nice, caring lady.

 

If he wanted his children to roam the neighborhood he could have just left them home alone. He hired the babysitter for a reason.

 

This. He might be perfectly okay with her letting the little ones roam free and unfettered. But at least if he knows, then he is in on the decision.

[EinsteinBlueprint]

Hah!

 

In the wealthy town we reside in...

 

All the playdates involve nannies/sitters.

 

In fact, the parents WANT the kids to do playdates (as does the *help*) because they think it's part of the sitter's job description - to host, to arrange, and to drop off the kids at playdates.

 

A lot of the parents.....I've never even met!

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't get it. You are against kids playing with kids/families who you haven't known for a year but you sent your child over to invite a child who you've only known for a month. So now you are unhappy because the babysitter said "yes"?

 

I do think that once you sent the child home that the babysitter was wrong to send both children over. But you should have met her at the door with a "Oh, I'm sorry. We're not able to entertain the children now."

 

I don't see anything to complain to the father about.

[AimeeM]

We live in an awesome neighborhood and my 11 year old wanders freely until dark, playing at the homes of random neighbors (anything goes type of gig)... but I would never, ever send my 3 year old son. Never. Three year olds wander, they require constant supervision, and it would never occur to me that another person's home is "proofed" for my preschooler and his curiosity. I would be sincerely upset if I found out that my sitter allowed my 3 year old at a neighbor's home without my approval (and I absolutely adore my neighbors).

 

"Hey -insert father's name-, just wanted to let you know I really enjoyed having your children over yesterday"

This comment alone should be well enough to lead into a conversation about HOW you met his children.

[bettyandbob]

I would try to meet the dad on the weekend. I'd take him cookies and chat him up about the halloween block party or how everyone chips in for a snowplow to do snow removal in winter or whatever regular stuff you have going on. In between I'd try to get to know how long he's had the babysitter.

 

BUT, I think this may be a case of you not understanding this family's standards on visiting neighbors. So, I wouldn't make it out as the babysitter wasn't doing her job. If she is a fulltime babysitter, then she is the one arranging all social time for the kids. The dad probably has it set up for her to make those decisions. My dh didn't know some of the people our dc visited while he was at work.

 

Now, the issue I would bring up with the babysitter is the 3yo coming over. I would tell the sitter your phone number and that she can call when the 6 yo wants to play, but that you really can't have the 3 yo come because your house is not set up for a 3 yo. I would tell her specifically you would like her to call ahead or at least walk over with the girl before she shows up. If you have different standards, that's all they are -- different. You need to let the babysitter know what you expect.

[celticmom]

Hmmm...that is a tough one. I would probably try to bring it up in a conversation with the dad ... to see if he had any idea that his babysitter allowed that. I guess I do see that as a safety issue type of thing. She had never met you before but let these children go over to your house? That does sound odd.

 

:iagree:

[bolt.]

I'd bring it up in a way that doesn't assume that wrong was done, or that he didn't know... those things are on his side, so you can just be casual about it.

 

Also, I wouldn't take it at the word of a 6yo that the babysitter 'sent' them over. That's a nuanced word, and a 6yo could easily use it to mean she simply gave permission.

[Bluegoat]

Letting kids play @ neighbor's homes is very common. It is fine, of course, that you have a different standard, but I fail to see the real issue here.

:iagree:

 

If it is the norm in your neighbourhood, it doesn't seem that odd to me that the babysitter would do it.

 

And I might think if I was the babysitter that a mom across the street inviting my charge over was probably normal.

 

As far as sending them back, maybe that was some sort of miscommunication? It must have seemed odd to have them invited over, and then sent back.

[Bluegoat]

We live in an awesome neighborhood and my 11 year old wanders freely until dark, playing at the homes of random neighbors (anything goes type of gig)... but I would never, ever send my 3 year old son. Never. Three year olds wander, they require constant supervision, and it would never occur to me that another person's home is "proofed" for my preschooler and his curiosity. I would be sincerely upset if I found out that my sitter allowed my 3 year old at a neighbor's home without my approval (and I absolutely adore my neighbors).

 

"Hey -insert father's name-, just wanted to let you know I really enjoyed having your children over yesterday"

This comment alone should be well enough to lead into a conversation about HOW you met his children.

 

 

I don't know - in a lot of places, three year olds do go out into the neighbourhood without parents. I remember reading in Free Range Kids a story about a German neighbourhood where three was the age kids could go to the bakery to pick up the bread.

[mryann]

I don't get it. You are against kids playing with kids/families who you haven't known for a year but you sent your child over to invite a child who you've only known for a month. So now you are unhappy because the babysitter said "yes"?

 

I do think that once you sent the child home that the babysitter was wrong to send both children over. But you should have met her at the door with a "Oh, I'm sorry. We're not able to entertain the children now."

 

I don't see anything to complain to the father about.

 

 

this. you invited her over. how is the babysitter to know that you are strange neighbors and not bosom friends?

[kitten18]

this. you invited her over. how is the babysitter to know that you are strange neighbors and not bosom friends?

:001_huh: If the babysitter doesn't know the answer to that question then I really wouldn't think she should be letting the kids go...

[besroma]

I would definitely have a friendly conversation with the father. Just because the babysitter let them come over when he is gone does not mean it is okay with him. What if the little one has food allergies you are not aware of?

 

Also, inviting a 6-year old over should not mean that you are now expected to watch a three-year old sibling.

 

I would, however, walk to the house with my child and extend the invitation myself until we got to know one another better. That way, if the child is with a sitter, and I did not want to extend an invitation, I would be able to make that decision, thus avoiding the awkwardness of sending a child back home.

[justamouse]

Yes, say something! But not to the babysitter. Watch for the Dad to come home and tell him. He'll get to learn two very important facts:

 

1. His babysitter is sending his very little kids out to parts unknown, and

2. His neighbor (you) is a nice, caring lady.

 

If he wanted his children to roam the neighborhood he could have just left them home alone. He hired the babysitter for a reason.

 

:iagree:

 

He may think it's fine, but he has to know.

[besroma]

Do you know how old the babysitter is? 12, 20, 40?

[myfatherslily]

The babysitter should have checked with the dad first, imo. Maybe she did. I babysit and I would have sent a quick text to say, "Hey, is it okay if they go to so-and-so's house?" Or maybe they had a conversation earlier - "Are they allowed to play with neighbor kids if invited?" "Oh sure, that's fine!"

 

I voted to say something to the dad and leave it to him to deal with, at this point, if he feels different boundaries should be set. But initially, I may have just gone over myself and said, "Hey, are you sure it's okay with dad? We've only just met them and I wanted to make sure you knew that."

[Pixjen]

I don't get it. You are against kids playing with kids/families who you haven't known for a year but you sent your child over to invite a child who you've only known for a month. So now you are unhappy because the babysitter said "yes"?

 

I don't let my kids go play at their friend's house without me until I've known the family for a while. I know many parents don't feel the same way so I try not to judge (other than an "eeek! I wouldn't do that!" in my head). I'm also the kind of parent that stands out on the sidewalk until the visiting children make it back to their own front doors after they leave. Yup, bit of a helicopter parent. :tongue_smilie:

 

In this case, however, I didn't know the woman answering the door WAS the babysitter until after we invited the little girl to play. Then when she told me I tried to dis-invite by saying something along the lines of "Then we'll wait until her dad gets home." The babysitter said "Not a problem!" and waved me off as I tried to give her my name and cell phone number. :001_huh:

[hsingscrapper]

Totally the dad should know! She was getting paid to watch them and waved you off 8without* your info?!?!

 

I have to second the cookies idea and the prompt to get Dad to ask how you met his kiddos.

[Pixjen]

this. you invited her over. how is the babysitter to know that you are strange neighbors and not bosom friends?

 

I'm not sure that matters. I was a complete stranger to her. How did she know that I was telling her the truth when I said I lived in XYZ house? I could have popped the girl in my car and driven off and she never would have known the difference. I couldn't even get her to take my name and cell phone number.

[regentrude]

Letting kids play @ neighbor's homes is very common. It is fine, of course, that you have a different standard, but I fail to see the real issue here.

 

I am all for it, but the decision needs to be made by the parent, not by the baysitter.

[mommymilkies]

Yeah, tell the dad. He needs to know that his sitter is sending his children out to strangers' houses. I'd want to know for sure! And I like the idea of bringing cookies...

 

:iagree:

[Pixjen]

I would, however, walk to the house with my child and extend the invitation myself until we got to know one another better. That way, if the child is with a sitter, and I did not want to extend an invitation, I would be able to make that decision, thus avoiding the awkwardness of sending a child back home.

 

I see I wasn't clear. I *was* with my DS when we invited the girl to play. I had assumed that the woman answering the door was a member of the girl's family in some way. After she told me she was the babysitter but said the girl could still play (despite me trying to get out of the invite), I told her I would bring the little girl back after an hour.

 

Five minutes after I took the little girl home, she and her 3yo brother were standing at my front door saying the babysitter said they could come back and play for "a couple hours."

[Pixjen]

Do you know how old the babysitter is? 12, 20, 40?

 

She looked to be between 25 - 30 years old.

[Carrie75]

Sure, tell the dad, but honestly, this shouldn't be a big deal. If the kids are nice enough, I'd entertain them for a half hour then take the 3 year old back and ask the babysitter to play outside with ALL the kids. She needs to do her job, but this is a non-issue. Nothing to stress over.

[BrookValley.]

Back in the dark ages when I used to babysit other people's children, I never would have thought it ok to send the kiddos anywhere without the parent's permission. :confused: I worked for families who lived in very open neighborhoods with kids moving from one house to the other to play, and it was no big deal, but I always knew where the kids were and the parents always told me ahead of time where they were allowed to play. I was always given names and numbers of the families they'd be playing with, and those parents were always aware ahead of time that the kids had a sitter. Everyone was kept in the loop. Now, as a parent, I would be livid if a babysitter let my children go off to play with someone who was a stranger to me. First and most important, it's a safety issue; second, it can be an issue of taking advantage of someone's hospitality (as was the case with this babysitter sending the kids back to the OP's house after the agreed upon playtime was over).

 

If I were the dad, I would want to know that the babysitter did this. I'm guessing the majority of parents would be uncomfortable with their children going to a stranger's house to play without their knowledge or consent.

 

Also, I wouldn't have had the least hesitation in telling the babysitter you weren't taking the girl to play unless her father was aware/gave permission.

Edited September 22, 2012 by BrookValley

[NanceXToo]

Letting kids play @ neighbor's homes is very common. It is fine, of course, that you have a different standard, but I fail to see the real issue here.

 

I have to disagree on this one. Letting older kids play at neighbor's homes is common maybe, but sending a three year old off to play at someone else's house without parental permission when you don't even know that person and you're being paid to watch said three year old? Oh, heck no!

 

OP, I would have a friendly conversation with the dad (it's not your place to reprimand his babysitter).

 

If I were you, I would say something to the dad like, "Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I went over to your house the other day to see if your daughter could come play with my son, and your babysitter let her come over to play. I didn't keep her too long as I was a little worried that you might not want her going over someone else's house without your knowledge or permission, but a bit after that, she came back over with her little brother and said the babysitter had sent them both back over to play. This is how I handled it (insert). I just wanted to let you know in case this is something you want to discuss with your sitter in the future."

 

At the time that had happened, I would have said to the little girl, "I'm sorry, but we cannot let your little brother play over here without your dad saying it's okay. He is too young to leave the babysitter and come to someone else's house without his dad's permission. In fact, I want to make sure it's okay with your dad before you come over again, too." And I'd have watched them walk home, then talked to the dad afterward.

 

If I were babysitting and someone came over to ask if the 6 and/or 3 year olds I was watching could play, I would have said, "I'm sorry, I am babysitting them today and I can't let them go over to someone else's house unless their dad tells me it's okay. Do you want to leave your name and I'll mention it to him when he comes home to see if it's okay for next time?"

 

If I were the dad and I found out that my babysitter allowed my YOUNG children, and ESPECIALLY my three year old (but even my six year old!) to go over to someone else's house without my permission, especially someone I'd only met once and barely knew, I would flip out, and that babysitter would be fired. And yes, I realize the babysitter would have no way of knowing if it was a near stranger or a best friend who was doing the inviting, but it wouldn't matter. She should have said, "I'm sorry, not now, I'd have to check with the dad."

 

ETA: I know I said to just say something to the dad and that it's not your place to reprimand your babysitter, but upon thinking of it, I think it also would have been acceptable to walk the kids back over to the babysitter's house myself and said to the babysitter matter-of-factly, "Little girl just came over with her brother and said you told them both they could come play, but I walked them back because I am not comfortable having a child this young over at my house without their father telling me it's okay."

Edited September 22, 2012 by NanceXToo

[phathui5]

If my babysitter met you and felt comfortable with the kids playing there, I would be fine with it (as long as they were playing where there was a mom/lady sitter there).

[Pixjen]

Update:

 

The dad happened to be sitting outside when I walked one of DS' friends home. I reintroduced myself to him, and explained what happened. He said that his daughter mentioned she had come to my house to play, but was peeved about the whole situation. Not at me, but at the babysitter. In fact, he said that he had been thinking about setting up a camera in the house because he had a suspicion that the babysitter wasn't doing much more than watching tv.

[BigMamaBird]

Yes, tell the Dad, but not in an "Oooooh! Guess what your babysitter did!" And more like a "It was so nice to meet your children today, they both came over, played all afternoon and were a delight."

[besroma]

I see I wasn't clear. I *was* with my DS when we invited the girl to play. I had assumed that the woman answering the door was a member of the girl's family in some way.

 

Jen, You were clear. I either missed that in your post, or forgot it when I read through the replies. Sorry! :tongue_smilie:

 

Update:

 

The dad happened to be sitting outside when I walked one of DS' friends home. I reintroduced myself to him, and explained what happened. He said that his daughter mentioned she had come to my house to play, but was peeved about the whole situation. Not at me, but at the babysitter. In fact, he said that he had been thinking about setting up a camera in the house because he had a suspicion that the babysitter wasn't doing much more than watching tv.

 

Based on your description of the situation, this is what I suspected. I would have done exactly what you did.

 

I am surprised to hear she was 25 - 30. I would expect that more from a younger sitter.

 

I agree with you. If someone is being paid to babysit, they should not send the child to someone else's house (unless it has been prearranged by the parent of the child).

[tex-mex]

Update:

 

The dad happened to be sitting outside when I walked one of DS' friends home. I reintroduced myself to him, and explained what happened. He said that his daughter mentioned she had come to my house to play, but was peeved about the whole situation. Not at me, but at the babysitter. In fact, he said that he had been thinking about setting up a camera in the house because he had a suspicion that the babysitter wasn't doing much more than watching tv.

 

There you go. ;)

 

I'm sure he is happy you were concerned to let him know. Be friendly and in the long run, he will be happy to have neighbors who watch each other's backs.

[Catwoman]

There you go. ;)

 

I'm sure he is happy you were concerned to let him know. Be friendly and in the long run, he will be happy to have neighbors who watch each other's backs.

 

:iagree:

[Bluegoat]

Back in the dark ages when I used to babysit other people's children, I never would have thought it ok to send the kiddos anywhere without the parent's permission.

 

I would tend to think a bit differently though about a situation where the kids were being watched for several days by someone as opposed to for an afternoon. For an afternoon I'd expect the sitter to stay with the child unless we'd arranged something. For a daily sitter who is there all day, or someone staying while the parent is away for a while, I wouldn't expect them to ask the parent about every decision to let the child go out into the neighbourhood if it was that was the common practice.

[In the Rain]

Update:

 

The dad happened to be sitting outside when I walked one of DS' friends home. I reintroduced myself to him, and explained what happened. He said that his daughter mentioned she had come to my house to play, but was peeved about the whole situation. Not at me, but at the babysitter. In fact, he said that he had been thinking about setting up a camera in the house because he had a suspicion that the babysitter wasn't doing much more than watching tv.

 

Interesting. Good thing you stopped to talk to him. I would be peeved too if I were him. :glare:

[QueenCat]

Letting kids play @ neighbor's homes is very common. It is fine, of course, that you have a different standard, but I fail to see the real issue here.

 

:iagree:when I was a teen, I babysat elementary aged kids. It was expected that they would go play with neighbors during the day, and the neighbors might drop into play too. Come & go kind of thing, like neighborhood kids do.

[goldberry]

Wow...add another thing to my list of things I have to specifically address that previously I would have just taken for granted*... (The Hive is good for letting me know things like this!)

 

It would never occur to me in a MILLION YEARS that someone babysitting my children at ages 6 and 3 would let them go off in the neighborhood to another house WITHOUT MY PERMISSION THAT IT WAS OK. That sitter would be let go immediately and in no uncertain terms.

 

The fact that some other moms would think it was ok is surprising to me. Not bad, just surprising. As I said, the Hive is good for letting me know all different ways of thinking!

 

*The first of many on that list was when my trusted, known-for-years, similar conservative background, 55 y/o sitter let my 4 yo daughter watch Jurassic Park. I then had to specify no PG movies unless I was consulted first.

Edited September 23, 2012 by coloradoperkins

[TranquilMind]

Letting kids play @ neighbor's homes is very common. It is fine, of course, that you have a different standard, but I fail to see the real issue here.

 

This sitter didn't know the OP from Adam.

 

No, this is not normal, for a babysitter to send off three and six year olds to a house of someone unknown to her and without parental permission while on the job.

[TranquilMind]

NanceXToo;I have to disagree on this one. Letting older kids play at neighbor's homes is common maybe, but sending a three year old off to play at someone else's house without parental permission when you don't even know that person and you're being paid to watch said three year old? Oh, heck no!

 

 

Exactly.

 

I'm thinking Dad won't be too keen on it either.

 

If I were you, I would say something to the dad like, "Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I went over to your house the other day to see if your daughter could come play with my son, and your babysitter let her come over to play. I didn't keep her too long as I was a little worried that you might not want her going over someone else's house without your knowledge or permission, but a bit after that, she came back over with her little brother and said the babysitter had sent them both back over to play. This is how I handled it (insert). I just wanted to let you know in case this is something you want to discuss with your sitter in the future."

 

 

Yes, perfect.

 

 

 

If I were babysitting and someone came over to ask if the 6 and/or 3 year olds I was watching could play, I would have said, "I'm sorry, I am babysitting them today and I can't let them go over to someone else's house unless their dad tells me it's okay. Do you want to leave your name and I'll mention it to him when he comes home to see if it's okay for next time?"

 

 

 

 

Yes, but you have some common sense, a trait obviously lacking in this sitter.

 

If I were the dad and I found out that my babysitter allowed my YOUNG children, and ESPECIALLY my three year old (but even my six year old!) to go over to someone else's house without my permission, especially someone I'd only met once and barely knew, I would flip out, and that babysitter would be fired.

 

Oh, yeah.

[TranquilMind]

I'm not sure that matters. I was a complete stranger to her. How did she know that I was telling her the truth when I said I lived in XYZ house? I could have popped the girl in my car and driven off and she never would have known the difference. I couldn't even get her to take my name and cell phone number.

 

Wow. I hope she was fired.

[TranquilMind]

Update:

 

The dad happened to be sitting outside when I walked one of DS' friends home. I reintroduced myself to him, and explained what happened. He said that his daughter mentioned she had come to my house to play, but was peeved about the whole situation. Not at me, but at the babysitter. In fact, he said that he had been thinking about setting up a camera in the house because he had a suspicion that the babysitter wasn't doing much more than watching tv.

 

Yeah, I figured as much. Not normal at all.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Wow...add another thing to my list of things I have to specifically address that previously I would have just taken for granted*... (The Hive is good for letting me know things like this!)

 

It would never occur to me in a MILLION YEARS that someone babysitting my children at ages 6 and 3 would let them go off in the neighborhood to another house WITHOUT MY PERMISSION THAT IT WAS OK. That sitter would be let go immediately and in no uncertain terms.

 

The fact that some other moms would think it was ok is surprising to me. Not bad, just surprising. As I said, the Hive is good for letting me know all different ways of thinking!

 

 

 

I wouldn't think it was ok for my children but I'm not surprised by it because I see parents in our neighborhood doing similar things all the time. In fact, I've actually had two different moms come to my house and drop their kids off for me to babysit after having met me once at the park. But times I was dumbfounded that they would drop their kids off with a stranger. I've had other parents send their kids out to play for the afternoon and then leave to run errands. They didn't even ask me to watch their kids but I then felt obligated to stay out and watch them because there was no adult supervision.

 

I was also not surprised that the six year old told their dad about it. I expected that to happen. For that reason I didn't particularly think that the OP needed to go over to tell him specifically.