when you don't have a good relationship with a parent

[HappyLady]

This is going to get long, so I'll apologize ahead of time. :)

 

I don't have a good relationship with my mother and haven't since I was 11 years old (yes, I could tell you exactly when our relationship went south). She always treated me unfairly compared to my younger sister. She treated me so badly that I convinced myself I was the product of an affair my father had and my biological mother didn't want me so my father took me in and my mother agreed to raise me as her own. And every-so-often I'd go snooping through her things to find adoption papers because I just couldn't understand why she treated me so badly if I was her flesh and blood. I was quiet, shy, respectful, a straight 'A' student, well liked by everyone, athletic, etc. I was the "perfect" child and surprisingly my mother has always admitted this. My sister, OTOH, was the wild child, barely passed in school, started smoking at 13 (with my parents' permission) and ran the streets.

 

As the years went on, she just got worse with me. Everything I did in life was wrong. I decided to go to an honors high school instead of our local public high school and she got mad. She constantly rubbed it in my face when my high school lost at a sport or something, but failed to recognize when we won championships or won any sort of academic award. When I went to college (locally) she did everything she could to make it almost impossible for me to do well. I lived at home and whenever I would be studying she would make me drive her somewhere (she never drove). Finally I couldn't take it anymore and moved into the dorm (I concocted some story that it was mandatory and since I was paying for college on my own I didn't feel bad about it).

 

When I started dating she hated every guy I dated, even the good ones. Yet, when I broke up with them, she loved them and would keep in contact with them and keep them up-to-date on my life. One Thanksgiving she wouldn't let me bring my boyfriend (who was from out-of-town, but wasn't going home for the holiday) for dinner and instead invited my ex-boyfriend. The ex showed up (I was unaware of what she did) and when I told her it was him or me she told me he wasn't leaving. My ex "graciously" left and for some stupid reason I stayed.

 

These are just some of the examples of what she's been like to me. Yet, despite all of that, I've always given her money, driven her wherever she's had to go, bought her groceries, etc. And she always talked badly behind my back.

 

I finally put my foot down a few years ago and because of it, my sister has had to pick up the slack.

 

Here's where my dilemma comes in and it's a two parter. I feel bad for my sister having to cart our mom everywhere, help her financially, etc. My mom can have other people do this stuff for her (she qualifies because of her "disabilities" and her low income, but she refuses to utilize any of these services). My sister gives me attitude when she mentions how she's done something for our mom. I've told her straight out that she needs to stop doing these things so our mom has to be forced to get the help she's "entitled" to (I have my doubts she's as disabled as she claims, but she fooled the state so she can get the benefits for all of this), but she won't. Part of me thinks my sister is being an idiot, but the other soft-hearted part of me feels bad for my sister and wants to help HER, not our mother. But if I do, I'm sucked right back in to where I was a few years ago and I don't want to go there again. Any suggestions on that one?

 

My other issue is that my mom hasn't seen my children since Christmas. She has come up with every excuse not to come over (I refuse to take my kids to her house because it's filled with smoke and it just all around disgusting from her not cleaning and not properly taking care of her pets).

 

My sister brings her kids over there to see our mom and just deals with the uncleanliness.

 

My mom constantly comments on my stuff on Facebook which makes her look like she's close to my kids and she's not. I honestly don't think my children would recognize her at this point (they're 4.5 and 1.5).

 

My dilemma with this one is that I was raised not knowing any family besides my parents and my sister because my parents, for one reason or another, decided not to have anything to do with their respective families. I always resented them for keeping me from my family and vowed I'd never to that to my kids. Yet, here I am doing it. I want my kids to know their grandmother, but if she can't make the effort to even WANT to see them, why should I bother?

 

So, do I force my kids on her by going to her house (which would kill me as my kids sit on her cat pee infested furniture) or just keep their relationship where it's at with her - pretty much non-existent? I don't ever want my kids to be mad at me for not knowing their grandmother, but I don't feel I should force them on her because she hasn't even asked to see them at all.

 

If you've made it this far, any advice? :)

[Starr]

Do you really want to go there, again?

[HappyLady]

Do you really want to go there, again?

 

No. I don't want to help her in any way because of the way she's treated me my whole life, but a part of me says, "She's your mother." And another part wants to help my sister so she isn't mad at me.

 

And like I said, I want my kids to know their grandmother because I know how it felt not knowing any family outside of my immediate family, but if my mom can't even ask to see her grandkids, then why should I bother? You know? And how do I explain all of this to my kids when they're old enough to ask why they never see her?

[meggie]

This is going to get long, so I'll apologize ahead of time. :)

 

I don't have a good relationship with my mother and haven't since I was 11 years old (yes, I could tell you exactly when our relationship went south). She always treated me unfairly compared to my younger sister. She treated me so badly that I convinced myself I was the product of an affair my father had and my biological mother didn't want me so my father took me in and my mother agreed to raise me as her own. And every-so-often I'd go snooping through her things to find adoption papers because I just couldn't understand why she treated me so badly if I was her flesh and blood. I was quiet, shy, respectful, a straight 'A' student, well liked by everyone, athletic, etc. I was the "perfect" child and surprisingly my mother has always admitted this. My sister, OTOH, was the wild child, barely passed in school, started smoking at 13 (with my parents' permission) and ran the streets.

 

As the years went on, she just got worse with me. Everything I did in life was wrong. I decided to go to an honors high school instead of our local public high school and she got mad. She constantly rubbed it in my face when my high school lost at a sport or something, but failed to recognize when we won championships or won any sort of academic award. When I went to college (locally) she did everything she could to make it almost impossible for me to do well. I lived at home and whenever I would be studying she would make me drive her somewhere (she never drove). Finally I couldn't take it anymore and moved into the dorm (I concocted some story that it was mandatory and since I was paying for college on my own I didn't feel bad about it).

 

When I started dating she hated every guy I dated, even the good ones. Yet, when I broke up with them, she loved them and would keep in contact with them and keep them up-to-date on my life. One Thanksgiving she wouldn't let me bring my boyfriend (who was from out-of-town, but wasn't going home for the holiday) for dinner and instead invited my ex-boyfriend. The ex showed up (I was unaware of what she did) and when I told her it was him or me she told me he wasn't leaving. My ex "graciously" left and for some stupid reason I stayed.

 

These are just some of the examples of what she's been like to me. Yet, despite all of that, I've always given her money, driven her wherever she's had to go, bought her groceries, etc. And she always talked badly behind my back.

 

I finally put my foot down a few years ago and because of it, my sister has had to pick up the slack.

 

Here's where my dilemma comes in and it's a two parter. I feel bad for my sister having to cart our mom everywhere, help her financially, etc. My mom can have other people do this stuff for her (she qualifies because of her "disabilities" and her low income, but she refuses to utilize any of these services). My sister gives me attitude when she mentions how she's done something for our mom. I've told her straight out that she needs to stop doing these things so our mom has to be forced to get the help she's "entitled" to (I have my doubts she's as disabled as she claims, but she fooled the state so she can get the benefits for all of this), but she won't. Part of me thinks my sister is being an idiot, but the other soft-hearted part of me feels bad for my sister and wants to help HER, not our mother. But if I do, I'm sucked right back in to where I was a few years ago and I don't want to go there again. Any suggestions on that one?

 

My other issue is that my mom hasn't seen my children since Christmas. She has come up with every excuse not to come over (I refuse to take my kids to her house because it's filled with smoke and it just all around disgusting from her not cleaning and not properly taking care of her pets).

 

My sister brings her kids over there to see our mom and just deals with the uncleanliness.

 

My mom constantly comments on my stuff on Facebook which makes her look like she's close to my kids and she's not. I honestly don't think my children would recognize her at this point (they're 4.5 and 1.5).

 

My dilemma with this one is that I was raised not knowing any family besides my parents and my sister because my parents, for one reason or another, decided not to have anything to do with their respective families. I always resented them for keeping me from my family and vowed I'd never to that to my kids. Yet, here I am doing it. I want my kids to know their grandmother, but if she can't make the effort to even WANT to see them, why should I bother?

 

So, do I force my kids on her by going to her house (which would kill me as my kids sit on her cat pee infested furniture) or just keep their relationship where it's at with her - pretty much non-existent? I don't ever want my kids to be mad at me for not knowing their grandmother, but I don't feel I should force them on her because she hasn't even asked to see them at all.

 

If you've made it this far, any advice? :)

 

Your mother's reasons for disliking you have to do with HER, not you. Maybe it's because you made better choices or because you were trying to better yourself and she felt threatened by it, so she felt the need to drag you down. I don't know that that's necessarily the case, but whatever reason she treats you badly is because something is wrong with HER, not you. Tell yourself that five times in the mirror every day if you need to; don't be surprised if it's difficult to choke out or makes you cry. That means you have a hard time believing it because of all the lies she has told you.

 

I personally would cut off cold turkey from her. Unfriend her on FB. I don't speak to my father anymore. It breaks my heart that Pigby doesn't know his Grampy or always asks questions about him. I would let any comment from my sister roll off my back. She's a grown up, she can make her own choices and live with the consequences.

 

You're mourning the loss of your ideal family. That is ok. Take some time to grieve. But I would never try to have a relationship with an abusive relative just because they were related. Would you want your kids to have abusive friendships just because that was the only other kid around? No. You said you were resentful that she kept your extended family from you. My parents kept some abusive extended relatives from us and as we were old enough to understand, we weren't resentful that they did. When your kids get older you can explain, "Grandma is abusive and I didn't want to subject you to that. You're worth more than that." If they resent you for that, then I'd give them a :001_huh: look.

[WTMCassandra]

Let's put it this way. I have seen (and experienced) that if you were made the scapegoat of your family of origin, usually the children of the scapegoat are treated as the scapegoats of their generation.

 

I'm assuming you don't want that for your children. RUN AWAY SCREAMIN!

 

Seriously.

 

I decided that I would have two choices: (1) Help pay for therapists because my children did not have a relationship with grandparents, or (2) Help pay for therapists because grandparents threw serious monkey wrenches into the works. I decided for #1.

 

You do not have to honor that naive vow you made many years ago. Really.

 

Does it help you to know that older grandchildren who have been allowed to have relationship with the crazy major dysfunctional relatives are already reaping consequences #2, as well as more serious life consequences?

 

PM me if you want to talk more about this. Starr put it more succinctly than me, but I concur.

[ChristusG]

Honestly? I would stay far, far away.

[6packofun]

She has shown you who and what she really is. Believe her, mourn the loss of the parent you wish she'd been, and move on. I'm sorry. :(

[NatashainDFW]

Your job is to care for and protect your dc. It was your mother's job to care for and protect you. It is not your job to be subjected to her attitude and filthiness now. If she was kind, if she was thankful for your help, if she didn't talk about you behind your back it would be different. You can't be the mother you need to be if you are trying to protect yourself from the hurtful actions of your mom.

[kalanamak]

She has shown you who and what she really is. Believe her, mourn the loss of the parent you wish she'd been, and move on. I'm sorry. :(

 

:iagree: And you don't have to bail out your sister, either. She is a grown up.

[Delirium]

I completely understand not wanting to deny your children extended family, but sometimes people are toxic and being around them isn't the best idea.

[meggie]

Also, I would like to point out that relationships are a two way street. You can't have a good relationship with someone abusive, no matter how much you pour into it. No amount of effort on your part can make her behave a certain way.

[Mommy22alyns]

Honestly, that sounds not unlike my situation. I was the scapegoat, my sister could do no wrong. My sister lives with my mom still (she's 25) and hands over her paycheck to her. :001_huh: My mom never made any effort to come see the girls, not once, not when they were born, not when I was hospitalized for a month, nothing. When she blew up at me over a simple question near Christmas, I had it and cut her off (or she cut me off). If I were you, I'd cut my losses too. Sister can deal with things herself. As another poster pointed out, she is an adult.

[A.Balaban]

I completely understand not wanting to deny your children extended family, but sometimes people are toxic and being around them isn't the best idea.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

I am in a similar situation. I am "lucky" in that I live six hour away from my mom, so it is reasonable for me to only visit once or twice a year. I spent about a month up at my parents house, and the environment was so toxic and it was so not something I want my children to see. Especially with how my mother talks to me and treats me!

 

If you want your children to see their grandma, then invite her along for a day out every once in awhile.

[Jen in PA]

Ugh, I really can sympathize with so much of this. Do you live near your mom? If you can, I would make the transportation work so that you can meet at a casual brunch place (Panera is what comes to mind where I live) every 6 - 12 months. That way your kids could get to know her, they aren't exposed to her home issues, and you aren't forced to play hostess.

[WTMCassandra]

Also, I would like to point out that relationships are a two way street. You can't have a good relationship with someone abusive, no matter how much you pour into it. No amount of effort on your part can make her behave a certain way.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Ellie]

:grouphug:

 

I wouldn't go there, for all the reasons everyone else has given.

 

When you talk to your children about their grandmother, you could try to say things gently, such that they might understand that their grandmother isn't well, and that it's the kind of unwellness that would make a relationship with her impossible, but that you will all send happy thoughts her way. Don't suggest to them that they should feel sad or deprived or anything, if they don't bring it up, KWIM?

[Hen]

have you checked out the daughters of narcissist mothers website?

 

I agree with upthread- you can't have a relationship with an abuser. She emotionally and I would guess verbally abuses you. Your sister is an adult, and she somehow enjoys some of the prestige of being the "good" daughter, she chooses to be used to get off on the prestige, it's not your place to rescue her from her own sick dance with your mother.

 

I am so sorry, give yourself some space to mourn not having a mother, and then create a wonderful mother/child relationship with your kids.

 

my mom was never interested in my kids. She would make a big deal over her stepkid's children to me, but I suspect she wasn't close to them either, she was very self-centered, I think she made it sound that way to play us off eachother.

 

I am so sorry, hugs to you.

[myfunnybunch]

:grouphug:

 

Your sister has a choice. If she chooses to take responsibility for your mother, the choice is hers. You are not responsible for her choices.

 

Your mother has a choice. She can have a relationship with her grandchildren, on your terms (meaning in a place with no cat pee on the furniture). If she chooses not to do so, the choice is hers. You are not responsible for her choices.

 

You are responsible for your choices. You are choosing not to let your mother treat you poorly. You are choosing to keep your children with you in an emotionally and physically safe and clean environment.

 

Don't doubt yourself. You are making good choices for yourself and for them, and you are modeling appropriate boundaries for your children. Good for you.

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

Edited July 31, 2012 by myfunnybunch

[OnTheBrink]

have you checked out the daughters of narcissist mothers website?

 

I agree with upthread- you can't have a relationship with an abuser. She emotionally and I would guess verbally abuses you. Your sister is an adult, and she somehow enjoys some of the prestige of being the "good" daughter, she chooses to be used to get off on the prestige, it's not your place to rescue her from her own sick dance with your mother.

 

I am so sorry, give yourself some space to mourn not having a mother, and then create a wonderful mother/child relationship with your kids.

 

my mom was never interested in my kids. She would make a big deal over her stepkid's children to me, but I suspect she wasn't close to them either, she was very self-centered, I think she made it sound that way to play us off eachother.

 

I am so sorry, hugs to you.

 

 

:iagree: http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

[gardenmom5]

This is going to get long, so I'll apologize ahead of time. :)

 

I don't have a good relationship with my mother and haven't since I was 11 years old (yes, I could tell you exactly when our relationship went south).

:grouphug: btdt - down to knowing the moment my eyes were opened. I was 13.

 

 

I finally put my foot down a few years ago and because of it, my sister has had to pick up the slack.

 

Here's where my dilemma comes in and it's a two parter. I feel bad for my sister

your sister made. a. choice. to. help. (enable?). her.

do NOT feel bad.

 

My other issue is that my mom hasn't seen my children since Christmas. She has come up with every excuse not to come over

 

My mom constantly comments on my stuff on Facebook which makes her look like she's close to my kids and she's not.

 

My dilemma with this one is that I was raised not knowing any family besides my parents and my sister

I always resented them for keeping me from my family and vowed I'd never to that to my kids.

your mother has CHOSEN to NOT see your children. she's not interested. that's the reality.

she's commenting on facebook to impress OTHER people, not you or your children.

you don't know what having your extended family in your life would have been like (your mother didn't become the person she is in a vacuum), you are only imagining what it "might" have been like. I resented my only-child mother for inflicting her mother upon us. the woman caused alot of damage. Only as an adult could I understand my mother was too damaged to protect us.

 

read this book on boundaries It is highly recommended

extra credit especially for daughter's of narcisstic mothers

and these websites: VERY eye opening.

http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/ very helpful

https://sites.google.com/site/harpyschild/ (I LOVED the name)

they were vindicating to read. someone who had been there and understood. descriptions of things I'd used for years (e.g. anything you say WILL be used against you), someone else was using, in the same context.

:grouphug: know you are not alone.

[tex-mex]

BTDT with my mom. Left the house at 17 and never looked back. Or visited. For good reason. ;) I made sure there was a minimum of 400 miles between my mother and I. Thank God she never drove or had funds to visit me either.

 

1.) Set boundaries. For myself, I made sure I was far away from the crazy drama. Block her from FB or disallow her to post on your wall if it drives you batty.

 

2.) If the home is that bad, your children cannot visit, period. She is an adult and no matter the mental health situation, she may be incapable to cultivate a relationship with your kids. Mourn the past and move on for your kid's sake. They do not need to be swept up in the drama. You are the parent and your role is to protect them from the drama. My son had no clue why he could not visit my side of the family when he was younger. I never maligned or spoke about them negatively. We visited once when he was 12. And he saw them for who they were. Now as a 17 y.o., he totally understands now why I shielded him from my family. :lol:

 

3.) You need to forgive the past. You did not have a loving parent. Go to therapy and resolve this issue. Resolve to be a better parent to your kids as a result. Mourn over the loss of a relationship with your mother and don't look back. Move on and focus on your kids.

 

4.) You are not responsible for your mother's care. Not if it creates this type of drama or stress. If she is truly disabled, there are services for her transportation and care. Even a nursing home.

[gardenmom5]

a part of me says, "She's your mother."

she has the basic necessities of life. she has shelter and food.

 

And another part wants to help my sister so she isn't mad at me.

if you need therapy to not feel a deep need to "please" your sister without feeling the controlling guilt, go find a counselor. sacrificing ourselves to "please" someone toxic is NOT healthy.

 

how do I explain all of this to my kids when they're old enough to ask why they never see her?

answer depends upon age. children - it doesn't work to visit grandma. when they're older teen/young adult, you can be truthful. she's toxic.

I've been through this with my kids - they really didn't care they didn't know their extended relatives. My oldest has some memory of my grandmother (we had limited contact) - and has told me a number of times how glad she is I kept them apart.

 

I think you had a fantasy about what an extended family meant, and thinking it would meet the emotional needs for attachment and approbation you never had from your mother. the reality is, you don't know if that is accurate. chances are good, they were emotionally unhealthy in some way, just like your mother and it just would have extended the mess.

Edited July 31, 2012 by gardenmom5

[kroe1]

Being the outsider looking in, I'd agree with the other posters who say give this one up. It doesn't sound like sis or mom are healthy roll models for your kiddos.

 

I struggle with this myself. I feel like I have some responsibilities to parents and in-laws, yet, moving into their lives has not worked out as planned. Perhaps you could just pay a monthly bill or two on your mom's behalf. That may squelch your guilt, but at the same time keep your family healthy.

 

:grouphug:

[Impish]

I totally understand. The others have some great suggestions, so I won't repeat them.

 

I know it's going to take time to believe, but it really isn't, and never was, you. It's all her. There's absolutely nothing you could ever say or do that would cause her to behave as she does, or cause her to change her behaviour.

 

She's incredibly jealous of you.

 

You can't fix her. You can't fix your sister. All you can do is provide a healthy, safe environment for your children...and that includes keeping them away from toxic ppl like your mother.

[Tarreymere]

My parents are both gone now, and none of my kids had a relationship with either of them while they were living. No one is in therapy, and if any of my kids ever complain to me about how they feel their lives are adversely affected by not having a kodak relationship with their grandparents my reply will be to go get a Ouija board and complain.

 

I have grandchildren also, and one stepdaughter who complains that dh and I are not the ideal grandparents but we are all her kids have and we are not doing our jobs to provide them with the proper grandparent relationship. 'Ideal' apparently meaning spoiling her kids rotten with shopping and cash and putting up with some very obnoxious behaviors as well. Unfortunately for my stepdaughter we do still have young children of our own at home that take up much of our time, we are not rich, we do not believe in spoiling, and we have zero tolerance for rude, ill-behaved kids even when they are related to us. We also have eleven grandchildren because she and her siblings have chosen to procreate like crazy so we can't even afford to do much more per grandkid than a card and a twenty on the kid's birthday. So, dear step-daughter sulks and complains. If any of our grandkids need therapy later, so be it.

 

Some expectations are unrealistic. Kodak commercials and Hallmark movies are partly responsible, but the rest of the responsiblity lies with the person who allows those visions of what things 'should be' to get in the way of 'what could be'. In our case, we are wonderful grandparents for kids to come and hang out with an uncle and aunt their own age for a sleepover and some homemade cookies, though the grandchild still must not talk back to adults or throw a tantrum or try to go through grandma's purse to see if she has enough money to take everyone to McDonald's. Grandpa is keen to race any grandchild challenger on the wii, but he isn't ever going to spring for a day at a major amusement park or a weekend trip. Grandma shops the thrift stores for the aunt and uncle still at home as well as herself, so she isn't ever going to take a grandchild on a shopping trip to the mall and let the grandchild buy designer clothes.

 

If you think your relatives are toxic don't bother to have a relationship with them. If my own adult kids had known my mom, there is a far greater chance they would be in therapy BECAUSE of her rather than because they missed a chance to know her. If your relatives are more tolerable, do yourself a favor and forget the ideal. Figure out a way to have a relationship with them that is more realistic. Grandma likes to comment on facebook? Fine, share her positive comments with the grandchild. Maybe that is about as good as it can get. Don't beat yourself up over it, YOU aren't the problem and YOU can't be the solution. All you can do it be the best parent you can be to your own kids and some days even that is a challenge (at least for me, anyway :D)

[gardenmom5]

dear step-daughter sulks and complains. If any of our grandkids need therapy later, so be it.

)

if her kids need therapy, it won't be because "the grandparents didn't spoil them", but because they have the misfortune of having an idiot with very warped priorities for a mother.

[J-rap]

You're mourning the loss of your ideal family. That is ok. Take some time to grieve. But I would never try to have a relationship with an abusive relative just because they were related. Would you want your kids to have abusive friendships just because that was the only other kid around? No. You said you were resentful that she kept your extended family from you. My parents kept some abusive extended relatives from us and as we were old enough to understand, we weren't resentful that they did. When your kids get older you can explain, "Grandma is abusive and I didn't want to subject you to that. You're worth more than that." If they resent you for that, then I'd give them a :001_huh: look.

 

This.

[Impish]

if her kids need therapy, it won't be because "the grandparents didn't spoil them", but because they have the misfortune of having an idiot with very warped priorities for a mother.

Tell us how you really feel! :lol::lol::lol: