TammyinTN Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 We have been back to the states now for 7 months, we were there for 7 years. Our families live 4 hours away. We have made several trips to visit them. They still haven't come to visit us and our oldest daughter just had a new baby. She's living with us. They keep asking when we are coming to visit. I don't understand why we have to do all the traveling. The never call..we talk to them when we call. They take one grandson to his activities several hours away weekly and on weekend. I'm really hurt, I sort of fill out of sight out of mind and so do our children. Ok...can I have some cheese with my whine?;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DusksAngel Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 We have been back to the states now for 7 months, we were there for 7 years. Our families live 4 hours away. We have made several trips to visit them. They still haven't come to visit us and our oldest daughter just had a new baby. She's living with us. They keep asking when we are coming to visit. I don't understand why we have to do all the traveling. The never call..we talk to them when we call. They take one grandson to his activities several hours away weekly and on weekend. I'm really hurt, I sort of fill out of sight out of mind and so do our children. Ok...can I have some cheese with my whine?;) This may be one of the reasons they want you to visit them. If they've made a commitment to get him to his activities, they may feel that they can't leave him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ma23peas Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Ditto here...I have just learned to NOT do that to any of my children :) I live 4 hours away...(but lived 6 hours by plane for awhile) and in the past 6 years, my family (sisters/brothers/mom/dad) have been to my house less than twice and we have been there at least 4x a year. And the they were here, were one time where they all came for Easter one year (two families only stayed 3 hours then took the drive back home) and my mom and dad have been here 2x..each just for 2-3 hours then drove back. I think it's nuts..learned not to get my feelings hurt...move on....and do so much better with my own children! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted July 11, 2012 Author Share Posted July 11, 2012 It bothers me because my children are hurt...honestly...I could care less if they come. I don't need the added stress...but they are hurt...so I'm hurt for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I would be hurt that they aren't making the effort to see you guys. It would feel like you're not important enough...but if you make it easy for them, they'll bother w/you. Not saying that's the case, but that's how I'd *feel* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joani Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Just another angle, forgive me if I'm off track. Have you specifically asked them to come visit? Do you have room for them to stay with you or could they comfortably afford to stay in a hotel nearby? I find that I have to be very, very explicit with my invitations for people to feel like they're not imposing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted July 11, 2012 Author Share Posted July 11, 2012 Of course, they just say they'll get back to us. We have a guest room with a separate bathroom and sitting area. I don't think money is the issue they stay in a hotel 2 nights each week already. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 :grouphug: And congrats on the little one! Have you given them a specific invitation to visit? Why not pick a fun week- maybe a local festival is going on? and invite them to come for that. Some people just need to have a specific invitation, and may never just announce that they are coming to visit. i am one of those people. :D so I understand how that works, and doesn't work in a family where people just show up and invite themselves to things. :glare: Also, since you were so far away for so long, they may have just gotten used to not having you around, and formed a pattern or habit of visits/activities without you. Help them break that habit and establish new ones! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Well, honestly? No, I don't think I'd be hurt, and I don't think my dc would be either. My attitude has always been that people have their quirks and frailties, and that they probably don't even realize how much you'd like to have time with them at your place. It may also be that they have their hands full with the other grandchild and feel that you and yours are functioning really well and are not nearly as *needy* as the one that they're helping regularly. Your dc will feel and learn your attitude, and I try really, really hard to teach an attitude of grace and mercy towards others. Still, :grouphug::grouphug:. It's definitely very hard when people let us down, and when we are disappointed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Have you let your parents know that your kids are hurt? i'm sorry for all of you. Yes, it would bother me. Favoritism HURTS. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happyhomemaker Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Is it possible they don't want to inconvenience you because there is a new baby in the house? I wouldn't get my feelings hurt until I actually invited them over and they refused. My in-laws never suggest visiting if I don't bring it up. I think they think it would be rude of them. Does all of your family live in one spot except for you? This has always been the case for us, and both sides assumed that we would come to them instead of visiting us. It wasn't until I finally explained how hard it is on us to do all the traveling that it clicked for them. If you have been gone for 7 years, visiting is new ground for everyone. I know it's hard, but try not to get your feelings hurt until you have had an open discussion with your family. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Yes, it would hurt me, no it wouldn't surprise me. I had this discussion with my mom and she basically said it was her expectation that children should always visit parents. It really, really bothered me for a good while as I begged and asked her over and over to come out and there was always an excuse. I had to let go of all expectation and take our relationship and hers with my kids for what it is. She also misses out on a closer relationship as well due to this but everyone does love each other. So, I visit how often I feel like, knowing that reciprocation isn't likely. I don't let her guilt me into visiting and generally she doesn't play that card anymore, knowing that she generally refuses to make an effort herself. My kids are much closer to the grandparents that live near us though and I'm glad that they have one set that is close. fwiw my children aren't hurt by it. They enjoy spending time with them but don't have an expectation of it being different, they just enjoy whatever time they have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
craftymama Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I can totally relate. We have been back for 11 months. We were only gone for 3.5 years, but we now live closer than we ever have to part of my family. We literally live 15 minutes from where my dad works. Due to allergies we cannot go to any of their houses, and no one has even tried to make arrangements to come to us. All I get is, "I'll call to find a time." And then months later they might call ending with the same statement. I have no words of wisdom. I wish I did. I've decided to stop trying. It's just too much work for no results. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostSurprise Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I've found that 'the group' always expects 'the outliers' to visit. This is especially true if you usually visit. We live only 2.5 hours away from parents/most siblings, 3.5 hrs from extended family. I know they all love us to pieces, but they (other than FIL/MIL who love to drive) will rarely/never visit us. Some of it I understand (BIL is severely allergic to our cats so it is harder for them to visit), but for the most part it smarts a little. And its funny when they complain that extended family always expect them to visit in large city 2 hours away. Ironic. I do appreciate visits more now. When dh's aunt & uncle or cousins stop by from South Dakota once in a blue moon or my in-laws call out of the blue and ask if its okay if they come up in time for dinner and spend the night...I'm much more appreciative. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Well, honestly?No, I don't think I'd be hurt, and I don't think my dc would be either. My attitude has always been that people have their quirks and frailties, and that they probably don't even realize how much you'd like to have time with them at your place. It may also be that they have their hands full with the other grandchild and feel that you and yours are functioning really well and are not nearly as *needy* as the one that they're helping regularly. Your dc will feel and learn your attitude, and I try really, really hard to teach an attitude of grace and mercy towards others. Still, :grouphug::grouphug:. It's definitely very hard when people let us down, and when we are disappointed. :iagree: I used to get more bent out of shape about this kind of thing, but I think people in general are doing the best they can with the resources they have available. Maybe they're just overwhelmed with their grandparenting responsibilities (that's quite a bit for a grandparent to take on!). :grouphug: It is hard, but I regularly tell my kids that sometimes things are beyond our control and you don't know the full backstory. I also don't think you should do any more work to maintain the relationship than you can comfortably do. I think it's fine to say you'll visit once or twice a year and then it's on them whether they come or not. I think that can help your sanity to have a limit for yourself too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in TX Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 We have been back to the states now for 7 months, we were there for 7 years. Our families live 4 hours away. We have made several trips to visit them. They still haven't come to visit us and our oldest daughter just had a new baby. She's living with us. They keep asking when we are coming to visit. I don't understand why we have to do all the traveling. The never call..we talk to them when we call. They take one grandson to his activities several hours away weekly and on weekend. I'm really hurt, I sort of fill out of sight out of mind and so do our children. Ok...can I have some cheese with my whine?;) ...Gently... If I were doing the bolded above weekly, I would have absolutely no more energy for four-hour trips, and I'm not even a grandparent. It sounds like they have all they can handle and are already doing way more than grandparents normally have to? I don't have all the info and may be misreading the situation, but maybe you will have to do the traveling for a while. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluemongoose Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I get it, I really do. :grouphug: Happens to me all the time only my family is 1 hour away. They come over maybe 2 times a year. I also used to be the person to call, but after feeling hurt about their treatment of me, I stopped calling. Now they call me every once in while, but they still do not come over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cottonmama Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Do you know what their experience was with their own parents and grandparents? We had this subject come up with my parents a couple months ago... I was surprised to hear that their parents were always the ones driving to their grandparents, and they were always the ones driving to their own parents (my grandparents). My dad's parents took him and his siblings for a day trip to see his grandmother an hour away every other weekend, apparently even while the kids were young and in (cloth) diapers. To my parents it was a matter of honoring the older generation. And it never occurred to them that they would be expected to travel to see their grandchildren (we're an hour away, plus traffic, so the travelling is more frequent but less each time). They have memories of "Grandmother's house" being a special place to visit and want to provide that place for my kids. At the same time, my parents are healthy enough to make the trip to see us, and with gas so expensive it helps to share the expense as well as the trouble of traveling. Honestly it's a lot more trouble for us to travel right now (with a toddler and a preschooler) than it is for them, and we've had to point that out to them for things to change. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I'd guess that they mean nothing personally. People who travel a lot are used to doing that. People who don't (even if they do for certain activities), don't consider it. It's kind of like that with us. We live in a small town about three hours away from the "city" -- where absolutely all of our other family members live. So, for the past almost 20 years, it has always been us who travels to see everyone -- it of course made the most sense. We are also a family who travels a lot and who just expects to do this. On the other hand, most of our family members -- in the almost 20 years of living here -- have probably been here, on the average, 3 times. We have probably been to the "city" hundreds of times. Even since my husband's stroke, they say "when are you coming to visit so we can see our brother?" etc. I do know that they don't mean it personally. I would try and model the attitude to your children that it is NOT meant personally -- that some people are just that way. It doesn't occur to them, or they don't like to travel, or whatever. Who knows. But it's nothing personal. I always try to not portray a "victim" attitude in almost any situation. That leads to a "poor me" feeling which doesn't do anyone any good. Perhaps you can suggest meeting at a park half-way for a picnic, or something like that. Sometimes in order to make it happen with some people, you have to take the bull by the horns. It's not exactly fair, but it's just the way it is. Good luck! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 :grouphug:Yes, I would:grouphug:. Tell them, I said...they stink as family. Your grand-babies are adorable, and I'd drive 4 hours just to see them. It's pretty much the same with dh's family...I've learned to smile, and remind them them the road runs/works in both directions...and here is the shocker...it's the same time for us to drive to their house. Sadly, it means we see them less and less. I figure...they're as important to me as I am to them:tongue_smilie:. My kids are big...reality dawned, and I'm not bothering to make his family feel happy anymore. They get very embarassed when other family and friends ask about us, because they've never made the effort. :banghead: We have been back to the states now for 7 months, we were there for 7 years. Our families live 4 hours away. We have made several trips to visit them. They still haven't come to visit us and our oldest daughter just had a new baby. She's living with us. They keep asking when we are coming to visit. I don't understand why we have to do all the traveling. The never call..we talk to them when we call. They take one grandson to his activities several hours away weekly and on weekend. I'm really hurt, I sort of fill out of sight out of mind and so do our children. Ok...can I have some cheese with my whine?;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnaShoo Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I can absolutely relate to this situation! My dh is in the military, and we've lived all over the US. While we get repeated comments about when we'll come see our families, only dh's parents have traveled to see us. My mil hates flying, but has still come, which is awesome. The rest, though? Nada. My sister once asked me to fly out with my two kids while SHE had vacation...:001_huh: I actually had a conversation with my sil once about why they never wanted to come see us, and she said the state we were living in at the time wasn't very interesting :glare:. Yet, we've spent the last three years in the Caribbean, and no one has come to see us. I used to let it bother me, but decided it just wasn't worth the trouble. We travel to see them (always involves a plane trip, and since my side and his side live about ten hours away, we almost never can plan to see both - his parents usually win since they are willing to travel to see us!) when we can, but no longer make as much of an effort. For awhile, every leave period was taken up with an expensive trip to see family. It was too much. Now, I don't feel guilty when they ask for us to come see us, and just counter with an offer to host them if they'd like to come. It is what it is. I do think we've got the better end of the deal - it seems lame to never go anywhere outside of your local area! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alyeska Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 ...another perspective...We lived a couple thousand miles away from family for 15 years. We moved closer this last December and it has been really hard to get in the habit of going to visit, make plans to do stuff together, etc... It isn't that I don't love my family, I am just not used to having them closer. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted July 11, 2012 Author Share Posted July 11, 2012 Thanks everyone for the replies...you have given me much food for thought. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheReader Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 I would be hurt, yes. For that matter, it even bugs me when we make our annual trip to the US and people who want to see us but are a few hours outside our "home base" won't come to us, but expect us to come to them even though we're on limited time. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Maybe it is family dynamics? In both my and my dh's family, the kids visit the parents. When we lived 3 hours away, we would come stay the weekend at least once every 2 months, and they visited a total of twice. My mom never came to visit us, just us them. Even now, my inlaws live .5 mile down the road, and never come here, we always go up there. I remember always going to visit my grandma, and the only time she ever came to see us was when my dad died and my mom was left with three young kids, she came and stayed a week. My husband has the same kind of memory. At first it hurt my feelings, but then when I looked at the pattern already set, I understood. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 It's hard. Two things that I have had to learn about being away and coming back: when you turn up infrequently over many years, people get used to your being the one who makes the effort to go to them; while you were away, people got used to living their lives without you. I'm sorry not to have better thoughts for you.... Laura Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted July 11, 2012 Share Posted July 11, 2012 Yes, and I can relate. DH's parents do the same thing. In fact, his dad (who lives almost three hours away) drives within 5 minutes of our house almost every weekend on his way to visit his wife's mother, his mother who died a few months ago, or his brothers and sisters. But, I can count on one hand the number of times he has stopped to spend time with us. and he's never made a dedicated trip to do so. Yet, we are expected to be at his house when he wants. And he drives even further to see DH's sister and his step-daughter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted July 12, 2012 Share Posted July 12, 2012 (edited) :grouphug: I used to get hurt feelings and angry that I was always the one who had to travel. My family is easy to talk to, though so I finally just told them I wasn't coming back until they came to us first. This is the year. We moved here in January and my sister has already visited. Bro and his fam coming in 10 days and parents will be here for Christmas. We don't have to travel until next summer unless we want to. It feels nice, although the kids keep asking to go to Gramma and Grampa's because that is our norm in the summer time. Maybe later this summer if I find a good seat sale. ETA: until I spoke up, my family was under the impression that we wanted to be the ones to come there. It's true that we get to see * everybody* that way, but it's still nice to have them visit us once in awhile. Edited July 12, 2012 by fraidycat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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