Some of you might remember...

[RainbowSprinkles]

Not too long I was ready to call my marriage quits. Well, dh has been getting help for his issues and is working on himself. We still have a long way to go, but I'm feeling confident we'll be allright.

 

I did want to ask, how do you fall back in love after a really rough period of time? Obviously there's been a lot of pain and while I do *love* him it's a little harder to feel *in love*. iynwim

 

Just wanted to see if I could get some advice from anyone who has btdt.

 

Thank you! :)

[jewellsmommy]

I haven't btdt, but wanted to show some support :001_smile:. :grouphug:

What about a date night? Can you set aside some time weekly? This might be cheesy, but what about coming up with some questions (like a game) about positive memories or favorite moments through your marriage?

 

 

 

ETA: Is there any way that you 2 could get a weekend away, just the 2 of you? Or stay at home alone, while the dc go to a relative? Find something to laugh at. Dh and I love to watch funny shows together, even play multiplayer wii/xbox games together, and board games like Would You Rather.

Edited June 26, 2012 by jewellsmommy

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm glad things are getting better. I haven't been through the same things, but when I get really frustrated with dh, I try to take some time to list off the good things about him in my head. It reminds me that he's not all bad, and that a lot of it is how I relate to him, too.

[Desert Rat]

I haven't been in your shoes really, but I know there have been times over my 18 year marriage that we really struggled.

I always used the phrase, "Fake it 'til you make it." Sometimes if you act loving, the feelings will follow.

Good luck!

[Caitilin]

Not exactly btdt, but in rough times things we have found helpful included drinking lots of TeA--good for bonding, cheap, and fun;); making a point to do things together, even if it's just walking the dogs (or whatever might fill that slot in your own lives, obviously) by ourselves; snuggling on the couch with a movie. You know how when you have a new baby they tell you to get skin to skin time together to help cement your relationship? I think that's kinda what you have to do here too, only it's a bit more work, cuz dh probably isn't as cute as a baby.;)

 

Wishing you the very best as you go forward.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[jewellsmommy]

I agree with the date night. Even something as simple as walking through the park and going to see a movie. Also, not sure if you are a Christian or not, but several Christian friends of mine have suggested the book "The Love Dare". I bought it and started to do it, but it was more for couples that are struggling in their marriages. They dont tell their spouse that they are doing it, and the spouse starts to see changes in them and wonders why. ;)

 

 

Yes! I can't believe that I didn't think of it. :iagree: Dh and I watched the movie Fireproof and then one day I was making dinner and discovered that dh had glued our salt & pepper shakers together :lol:. (you would have to see the movie to understand the reference).

[shanvan]

I am not really sure I've btdt, but have had some rough patches. I have read that looking through old photos and talking about memories of when you were 'in love' in the beginning is a big help. Too bad when I need this sort of advice I get all hung up on being stubborn.:glare:

[kengjw]

Not too long I was ready to call my marriage quits. Well, dh has been getting help for his issues and is working on himself. We still have a long way to go, but I'm feeling confident we'll be allright.

 

I did want to ask, how do you fall back in love after a really rough period of time? Obviously there's been a lot of pain and while I do *love* him it's a little harder to feel *in love*. iynwim

 

Just wanted to see if I could get some advice from anyone who has btdt.

 

Thank you! :)

 

I read from somewhere long time ago that throughout marriages there will be seasons of where we fall in and out of love but it is the "commitment" for each other that will carry us over the "humps" and then somehow....maybe back to...being in love with each other again.

 

I know I am not explaining what I read correctly but it stucked with me for all these years. I "try" to remember that each time things get tough in my marriage.

 

:grouphug:

 

Julia

[laughing lioness]

RS- such good news!! Thank-you for the update!

 

I think every marriage that stays the course goes through seasons of walking through the every day motions of love and the feeling of being in love. I read a study a few years ago that said that people who were on the verge of divorce, who stayed together had the same level of satisfaction in their marriages 5 yrs later as couples who were never on the verge of divorce. I think that says a lot of about the ebb and flow of marriage. I try to keep that in mind. It's ebb and flow. Both dh and I have worked with couples going through difficult times, getting divorces, after the divorce. Divorce and it's aftermath is an ugly, difficult, soul wounding thing. And most people take thier junk into whatever new realtionships they form. Leaving isn't the answer. Working through is. I really believe you don't fail any life lessons (and marriage is a big one- MFT training mantra, "Marriage is a crucible") you just take the class over and over until you get it right.

 

My dh and I try to keep in mind (and remind each other) that we are each others friend. We want the best for each other. We also try to laugh, make jokes, make each other laugh, do silly things. My dh is constantly singing me songs from the 60's, 70's and 80's. It's really funny (face ache, side hurt funny, cause he mimics the singer and knows things word perfect!), and endearing, and only for me---which leads me to the point of creating rituals together. Do you have simple, daily, weekly, things, events, that you do together? Dh and I sit and have coffee in the mornings together. We pray together when before we go to sleep. Do you have specific ways which you can minister to each other? Are there any ways that you can be tender to each other? Why did you fall for each other in the first place?

 

We have also worked on saying out loud, to each other, in front of our kids, etc, the things we appreciate and admire about each other. And I tell my dh what I like, what I need and try really hard to listen to him when he tells me those things. It's too easy to focus on what we don't like/don't want.

 

We work diligently on not taking offense with each other. Oy vey. We both get task oriented, vs relationship oriented and that's hard. It's so easy to get offended.

 

We both say we are sorry- we state the offense, recognize it's impact on the other person, ask what we can do to make amends, ask for accepetance of apology. Dh has actually gotten on his knees to ask for forgiveness about a decision that has affected the course of our entire marriage. When I really want to be angry about the decision (because it continues to affect us) I remember that and I remember that I spoke the words, "I forgive you" and I let it go.

 

We have in mind that we want to grow old together. I love his hands and his eyes. I want to be holding his hands and looking into his eyes when we are both old and grey.

 

I could go on...geez, I'm verbose these days!

 

Wishing you blessings and peace and joy in your marriage!!

[Kalypso]

RS- such good news!! Thank-you for the update!

 

I think every marriage that stays the course goes through seasons of walking through the every day motions of love and the feeling of being in love. I read a study a few years ago that said that people who were on the verge of divorce, who stayed together had the same level of satisfaction in their marriages 5 yrs later as couples who were never on the verge of divorce. I think that says a lot of about the ebb and flow of marriage. I try to keep that in mind. It's ebb and flow. Both dh and I have worked with couples going through difficult times, getting divorces, after the divorce. Divorce and it's aftermath is an ugly, difficult, soul wounding thing. And most people take thier junk into whatever new realtionships they form. Leaving isn't the answer. Working through is. I really believe you don't fail any life lessons (and marriage is a big one- MFT training mantra, "Marriage is a crucible") you just take the class over and over until you get it right.

 

My dh and I try to keep in mind (and remind each other) that we are each others friend. We want the best for each other. We also try to laugh, make jokes, make each other laugh, do silly things. My dh is constantly singing me songs from the 60's, 70's and 80's. It's really funny (face ache, side hurt funny, cause he mimics the singer and knows things word perfect!), and endearing, and only for me---which leads me to the point of creating rituals together. Do you have simple, daily, weekly, things, events, that you do together? Dh and I sit and have coffee in the mornings together. We pray together when before we go to sleep. Do you have specific ways which you can minister to each other? Are there any ways that you can be tender to each other? Why did you fall for each other in the first place?

 

We have also worked on saying out loud, to each other, in front of our kids, etc, the things we appreciate and admire about each other. And I tell my dh what I like, what I need and try really hard to listen to him when he tells me those things. It's too easy to focus on what we don't like/don't want.

 

We work diligently on not taking offense with each other. Oy vey. We both get task oriented, vs relationship oriented and that's hard. It's so easy to get offended.

 

We both say we are sorry- we state the offense, recognize it's impact on the other person, ask what we can do to make amends, ask for accepetance of apology. Dh has actually gotten on his knees to ask for forgiveness about a decision that has affected the course of our entire marriage. When I really want to be angry about the decision (because it continues to affect us) I remember that and I remember that I spoke the words, "I forgive you" and I let it go.

QUOTE]

 

 

 

:iagree: There is a lot of wisdom here. Thanks for the update. You have been in my thoughts, and I am glad to hear that you are feeling hopeful about your marriage.

[Impish]

Love Dare was def a huge part in re-establishing a healthy marriage here.

[lmrich]

I have not been there but flirt with each other. It sure brings a spark back. Good luck and and I am happy for you.

[Plucky]

The fact that you love him means you can fall back in love with him. :) I know that my dh sought help for something that was a deal breaker for me. I told him I couldn't live with him anymore if it continued. We did some marriage counseling together - and while the counseling didn't really help it did cause him to see that I was serious and I saw that he was willing to do what it took to stay married to me. We spent more time together and happier times together. He kind of wooed me back. He will still sometimes slip up into the behavior but catches himself.

 

Could you both start going on dates or spending time alone just the two of you doing something you enjoy and make you closer? That is what helped us. We still would talk about the kids when we were out, but we were a couple enjoying ourselves outside of being parents.

 

Keep in mind that there are different seasons to a marriage. Sometimes you are high, high, high and in love with your dh and other times you think what the heck have I done in settling for this guy. It's normal. I always try to resort to counting my blessings and listing his positive characteristics. It's so easy to only see the negative aspects. Good luck!

[Unicorn.]

It helps every time you start to feel something negative, to list a positive or 3 that he has done that day, that week, or in your marriage. I do this when I get angry at dh for something. I have to tell myself but he also did/does (xyz-good). It also helps to ask yourself if what you are angry about really matters in the grand scheme of things. Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn't. When it does, then it's worth talking about when you aren't angry (the next day, week, etc.... look for non-stressed moments when you can bring it up)

[justamouse]

I'm so, so, happy for you.

 

LL gave you excellent points.

 

:grouphug:

[She Reads a Lot]

Someone will probably think I'm an idiot for posting this, but I'll take the chance in case it might help.

 

If I'm ever having a really tough day with the kids or the hubby (one of those "I want to quit" days), I look for a reality check. Often, watching an episode of Extreme Home Makeover does the trick. Don't mock me--I mean it! Seeing people who have kids dying of a disease or who have lost everything in a fire makes me realize that I'm way more lucky than I realize, and I am taking a lot for granted that I shouldn't be.

 

I read this thread, then I saw the one from Joanne about her hubby:

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=401850

 

Stuff like that makes me realize that it could be a lot worse and I should get over being mad at hubby for _____ or _____ thing he did or didn't do.

 

I hope this doesn't sound glib or sappy. I just know reality checks like that make a big difference for me.

 

Congrats on getting back on a good footing with your dh!!

Christina

[Plucky]

Someone will probably think I'm an idiot for posting this, but I'll take the chance in case it might help.

 

If I'm ever having a really tough day with the kids or the hubby (one of those "I want to quit" days), I look for a reality check. Often, watching an episode of Extreme Home Makeover does the trick. Don't mock me--I mean it! Seeing people who have kids dying of a disease or who have lost everything in a fire makes me realize that I'm way more lucky than I realize, and I am taking a lot for granted that I shouldn't be.

 

I read this thread, then I saw the one from Joanne about her hubby:

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=401850

 

Stuff like that makes me realize that it could be a lot worse and I should get over being mad at hubby for _____ or _____ thing he did or didn't do.

 

I hope this doesn't sound glib or sappy. I just know reality checks like that make a big difference for me.

 

Congrats on getting back on a good footing with your dh!!

Christina

 

No, I totally get it. That is why I count my blessings. We are so blessed compared to people struggling in the world.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug: good for you! it can be hard work, but so worth it.

 

some things we do that help....

 

i) i signed up for dailly emails from this site:

http://www.the-generous-wife.com/

i don't always agree, and don't always take her suggestions, but it always starts me thinking about little things i can do to bring him joy.

 

ii) she links to other marriage sites that can have good ideas. today, i found on her site a link to this article

http://www.onefleshmarriage.com/2012/06/flirt-like-mean.html

 

which led to this one

http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/02/29-days-to-great-sex-day-10-16-ways-to-flirt-with-your-husband/'>http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/02/29-days-to-great-sex-day-10-16-ways-to-flirt-with-your-husband/'>http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/02/29-days-to-great-sex-day-10-16-ways-to-flirt-with-your-husband/'>http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/02/29-days-to-great-sex-day-10-16-ways-to-flirt-with-your-husband/

 

which led to this one

http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/

 

the author of the last two is a homeschool mom who also has some great book report forms, research paper outlines, etc.

 

these are all christian of a flavor more fundamentalist than i will ever be, but the ideas, and just the idea of the ideas, helps me a lot.

 

iii) every time one of us leaves the house, or one of us comes home, the other one of us stops whatever we are doing, goes to the door and kisses the other one good-bye/hello. the loving action can lead to the loving feeling.....

 

iv) someone else already mentioned leaving photo albums lying around of previously happy times. this helps us remember the feelings.

 

v) i pick a day a week and try to leave him a little note somewhere (by the coffee maker, on the steering wheel of his car, in his coat pocket)..... right now it is "thoughtful thursdays" because i can remember it ; ).

 

vi) we have meal rituals (eg. he makes waffles every sunday morning). right now, i try to make italian food each tuesday night, although tonight its going to be Greek. i create a music station on pandora, so we have italian (or greek) music playing while we eat. i set the table with candles, the whole family eats together...... it is a way of making a meal more fun, and less time spent struggling to find conversation. the food and music and atmosphere naturally lead to it.

 

vii) scott peck's "the road less travelled" talks about love being an action, not a feeling.... but actions do lead to the feelings, so you get to have both eventually. what it all boils down to is waking up each morning and making an intentional choice to behave in a loving manner towards my spouse. for us, most mornings that's not a hard thing... but some mornings historically have been way harder than others.

 

little habit things lead to bigger things.....

:grouphug:

ann

[Mommyof4ks]

Congrats!! I hope your marriage only grows stronger from here. :grouphug:

 

I agree with date night and weekend getaways. I have not been in your shoes, but when my son was very sick for several years it was very taxing on our marriage and family. We did our best to spend time one on one while the kids stayed with family just to reconnect and enjoy each other's company. Do fun stuff as a family where both of you can be silly with the kids and each other. It may sound silly, but it kept us close and drew us closer once we were through the hardest part. One thing we did not do was share with anyone during that time how hard things were for us, and I think even if we had gone to our pastor or some close friends for prayer support and just to talk things through it would have helped. I smiled and answered fine a lot lol. We are strong and doing great now, but it was hard at the time.

[Just Kate]

I haven't been in your shoes really, but I know there have been times over my 18 year marriage that we really struggled.

I always used the phrase, "Fake it 'til you make it." Sometimes if you act loving, the feelings will follow.

Good luck!

 

Dh and I have had many lows in our marriage. We have always resolved to work things out and I am thankful for that. I, too, struggled with falling back in love with dh. Many people suggest dating as a way to do this, but in our lives, having multiple date-nights just wasn't realistic. So when I look back on how we got through those bad times, I think the phrase "fake it til you make it" is quite accurate! I just decided that I was going to be in love with my husband and I acted that way. Really, the feelings followed.

 

Are things perfect for us now? No way. Do I still sometimes have to practice faking the feelings? Yup. But I do love my husband and I can even say that I am "in love" with him as well. And I am so very thankful that we stuck it out.

[VeritasMama]

I have BTDT several times. I also have had to "fake it till you make it" at times, but my husband also had to "woo" me all over again, and I him. We can't really go out for date nights, but we have date nights at home. We have always made sure our kids are in bed by 8pm so we can have grown up time. When things were really bad, grown up time usually meant he sat on his computer while I worked on homeschooling plans and we ignored each other. When we have had to make a concious effort to fall back in love, we would make sure to spend a few nights a week after the kids were in bed focusing on having fun together. This works much better if we avoid watching movies and actually talk and flirt with each other. Sometimes we will order take out and eat it together at the table as if we are out on a date, and we have even gotten dressed up to do this like we are at a nice restaurant. Of course, if you can actually go out to a restaurant once in a while, that would be great as well :).

 

I just want to say that you deserve real credit for working it out. I truly think that the only difference between divorced couples and couples that are still together is simply a refusal to give up. I am not trying to insult divorced couples, my mother has been divorced three times, but many people give up when they could fix their problems given more time and effort. I always remind myself that if I had given up when I really wanted too, I would have missed some of the amazing moments that came after, and I wouldn't have all of my wonderful children here with me today. In the end, the hard times have been totally worth it!

[UmMusa]

I'm happy you're both giving it a shot.

I'm sure it will take time for your 'in love' feelings to come back. I haven't BTDT, but I'd recommend not setting too high of expectations for you or for him till you guys achieve some small victories.

[Little Nyssa]

:grouphug:

[fraidycat]

:grouphug: BTDT - Actually just a few months further along the journey than you. Each day it gets easier and easier to "fake it 'til you make it". Some days I don't even have to fake it. As time goes by, those days keep getting closer together. I have faith that some time soon there will be no fake it, and only made it days.

[In the Rain]

No real advice, but I'm happy for you that things are looking better. :grouphug:

[Carrie12345]

Once the ball is in motion, I'm a big fan of "fake it till you make it."

 

I remember telling our counselor, "I feel like I'm living with a brother, not a spouse." Between talk, talk, talking and "faking" the romance, everything eventually came back together for us. We still do the crazy amount of talking, which I personally feel is key.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:Thanks for the update.

 

 

 

Not too long I was ready to call my marriage quits. Well, dh has been getting help for his issues and is working on himself. We still have a long way to go, but I'm feeling confident we'll be allright.

 

I did want to ask, how do you fall back in love after a really rough period of time? Obviously there's been a lot of pain and while I do *love* him it's a little harder to feel *in love*. iynwim

 

Just wanted to see if I could get some advice from anyone who has btdt.

 

Thank you! :)

[Cassy]

I'm very happy to hear that you're both working things out. Whenever I've 'seen' you here lately, I've wondered how things were going.

 

I wish you and your family much peace, love and happiness in the future.

[RainbowSprinkles]

Thanks for all the replies. I will be reading though this thread for a little bit. :)

[Liz CA]

Such good comment and advice. I second a date night or something to look forward to on a weekly or monthly basis.