How to gracefully respond...advice needed!

[Twinmom]

OK, I've had enough. I've had one too many snide comment about Hispanics thrown my way...you know the type, "There are too many of THOSE people coming over the border, into town, into the neighborhood, etc." I even had a nurse at my doctor's office state that she was angry that the whole office staff needed whooping cough boosters because THOSE people were bringing it up here. (Our pediatrician has a large immigrant population...you'd think maybe she'd see THEM as a money-maker, but no...:confused:) Grr...I'm getting really ticked off.

 

Why do I want to learn to respond gracefully? Below is your answer. She's my precious daughter through adoption, and she's Hispanic. She's living in a Caucasian family with four lily-white, blond and blue-eyed adopted brothers. I'm Italian myself, so I guess folks look at her, see me and assume Caucasian. However, since many of these nasty little "conspiratorial" digs are being said in front of her, I need a few very graceful comments to sling back! (I can think of all the snarky ones myself, thanks anyway! :glare:). I plan to defend her thoroughly, but want to teach her how to do it with grace and aplomb. There are and will be exceptions to this rule, of course...times for one of my snarkiest to come out...but for the average moment I'd love some great suggestions as to what to say with grace. I tend to freeze up or mouth off!

 

Thanks for your help! So many of you all seem to have these great comments ready to roll off at a moment's notice, I figured this would be the place to ask!

 

 

[Lolly]

To begin a little background. I am caucasian. I have a Hispanic sister, two nieces, and a nephew. Dh and I were in the process of adopting a Hispanic child during the trouble adoption times in the late 80's when countries would suddenly shut their doors.

 

I know you are probably looking for :grouphug: and not actually advice, but it you explain the situation in our country to her it might make it easier for her to understand. "Those people" that are being referred to are not just Hispanics. They are illegal immigrants. Legally, they should not be here. Your dd is not included in this group. I know it is frustrating for her. My sister and her family get "those" looks too. However, people make the comments in front of her because they don't put her into that group. She is here legally. She realizes there is a difference and where the anger is coming from. It still hurts.

 

 

If your dd needs to know why this is not liked/supported by the community you can read on for further information.

I can tell you that in my area, the immense number of illegal immigrants are causing tremendous problems. The police force is not allowed to remove them from the area. The school system is overwhelmed. The health care system is overwhelmed. My son's kindergarten class would have been 50% non-English speaking. When you to the ER you need to go in in an ambulance. If not, the wait has increased because of the tremendous numbers of illegals who are using it as their main healthcare. We are talking about a group that for the most part does not pay taxes, yet uses our tax money. As a result, we are putting in new taxes that they will have to pay (sales tax, wheel tax) to help remedy the situation. Still, most of the money for schools and health care is coming from property taxes that they do not pay. They are coming into our neighborhoods and living illegally by purchasing a single family home and moving a family in for each room of the house. A home about a block from me has 6 families living in the house and one family living in a playhouse in the backyard. They have been raided twice now. A month later, they are all back. Another family has decided they want to keep chickens. This is NOT allowed in the city. Their chickens are free and just roam the front yard. Chickens must be smarter than I thought, none seem to be being hit by the cars driving 30-40mph down the road. I will stop now.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

I don't know a great response. But I do wonder sometimes. This country exists because at one point or another all (except the Native Americans) were "those" people. We all have roots from somewhere else. Why do they come here? Mostly, to seek a better life for their family. Can you imagine how hard it must be to go through the journey and risk what "they" do in order to just live? Yes, it taxes our system and pockets. But it makes me very sad that these kinds of situations even exist. That they cannot make enough to feed their family where they already are. Sorry, rambled a bit.

[Remudamom]

I think you should simply say that your dd has a Hispanic background and you think comments of that type are inappropriate around her.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

but, I agree that you want to use grace and not stoop to their level. So, I agree with Remudamom. Whenever someone says something like that, let them know that your daughter is hispanic. If they have any scruples at all, they'll feel properly chastised.

 

Sorry this is even an issue. :grouphug:

[linders]

...but I wanted to second what Mom2Legomaniancs said - at one point, most of our forebears have been there. My grandmother from Slovakia never did learn English, was criticized for that, but managed by living in a Slovak neighborhood. My Irish great-grandparents, who came as children, were made to sit on the other side of the classroom because they might have "diseases" that would infect the "real Americans."

 

And although most illegal immigrants do not own homes (and thus do not pay property taxes), someone else does own the wonderful shack they get to live in and pays those property taxes (while collecting rent). And most immiigrant families I have met, legal and illegal, work (and work hard for low wages) and pay income taxes on those earnings.

 

Finally, your daughter is beautiful! What a smile!!

[PiCO]

I think you should simply say that your dd has a Hispanic background and you think comments of that type are inappropriate around her.

 

 

I agree, but I would leave off "around her." Really, medical professionals should make an attempt to be professional. They should not be passing judgement on their customers.

[G5052]

I'm part Hispanic myself but don't "look" it. I personally don't let racially or culturally-motivated comments like that go, no matter what group they're cutting down. It's just wrong, wrong, wrong.

 

I'd go so far as to say that America is a country of immigrants and diversity and that I find such comments personally offensive. Then I'd walk away.

[Julie in Austin]

I'm sure someone can come up with something better than this, but I'd probably look her in the eye and say very calmly and slowly, "Does your boss know that you make racist comments--to a patient whose child is of that race?"

[CalicoKat]

I don't feel there is a response that you can give that would make the point you want or protect your dd the way you desire. I think not responding will make a bigger impact.

 

My dc are African American. And a wise older gentleman once told me that when we encounter prejudice to gently walk away without saying anything.

 

To say something may indeed make your point. But it may spark a further argument you're not prepared to fight.

 

Build up you're dd's confidence and self-esteem by letting her know that she doesn't have to respond or try to fix another person's point of view with her words. Her actions will speak louder and will have a greater lasting impact.

 

It's hard. But we've done a lot of practice conversations during family time and dinner time and now when we encounter some of these situations my kids will comment later now hard it must be for that person to live with such anger or bitterness in their heart.

[Twinmom]

Thanks for your advice, ladies. I guess I've not been doing so badly after all! I've pretty much just been saying nothing, no response, absolutely nothing. A completely blank stare. I think I'll keep it up! I also like the calm comments about my daughter being Hispanic and that I find that kind of talk offensive. That will be my "stage II" response!

 

I would think it would be a good idea to explain the situation to DD as far as the illegal immigrant part of it goes (and, no, of course she's not one...born to US citizens in CA). She'd probably understand that. Frankly, I'm a good one to explain as I come from an immigrant family, come over on the boat types from the melting pot years! Unfortunately, however, I do think it goes farther than just the illegal vs legal immigrant thing. I understand the frustration there, being from TX until just this year. It's the "I don't want people of that color in my neighborhood, illegal or not" thing that really gets my goat. I guess I'm irritated because that's what I am getting here in NC. Got a great neighborhood, all in all, but I've found a different degree of prejudice here that is frustrating. I didn't experience that in TX, since such a large part of the population is Hispanic, legal or not. Here, not so much, at least in my part of town.

 

Anyway, thanks for the encouragement that I need not have a great response to handle things well. I plan to continue with the utterly contemptuous blank stare unless confronted...if they dare do that, then they will get the whole momma-bear thing and they'll fully deserve it! :D

[lynn]

I don't know a great response. But I do wonder sometimes. This country exists because at one point or another all (except the Native Americans) were "those" people.

 

There is a big difference. "those people" were here and wanted to become part of america. Became productive citizens legally. Went to classes to and proudly got their citizenship. Learned english, learned how great a free education was for their children and did everything they could to pay for college knowing the importance of it all. "Those people" now come here and do not try to do anything but make some money to help their families back home. Some don't try to do anything. They don't try to learn the language, get their citizen ship, do things legally, become productive citizens.

[lynn]

I don't feel there is a response that you can give that would make the point you want or protect your dd the way you desire. I think not responding will make a bigger impact.

 

My dc are African American. And a wise older gentleman once told me that when we encounter prejudice to gently walk away without saying anything.

 

This is very wise advice. I know my grand niece will encoutner some ugliness in her life escpecially since they live in the south. I'll have to pass this on to her mother so she can start teaching by actions when this does happen. They live in GA but so far their neighbors and community have been accepting and they have not encountered any prejudice that I know of.

[Alice]

Another thought would be "Which people do you mean?" when they say "those people". I have found most people are going to be too embarrassed to say anything more. Then if they say something like "You know what I mean." You can say something like "No, actually I don't." or "Yes, I think I do. But I don't really agree."

 

I still remember when I was a kid and we were trying to sell our house we had a woman come and look at it. She asked my Mom if there were many blacks in the neighborhood. My Mom knew of course why she was asking but answered something like "Well, not as many as we'd like." :)

[WTMindy]

I have no good advice, but, oh my, is your daughter every beautiful!!

[Twinmom]

Another thought would be "Which people do you mean?" when they say "those people". I have found most people are going to be too embarrassed to say anything more. Then if they say something like "You know what I mean." You can say something like "No, actually I don't." or "Yes, I think I do. But I don't really agree."

 

I still remember when I was a kid and we were trying to sell our house we had a woman come and look at it. She asked my Mom if there were many blacks in the neighborhood. My Mom knew of course why she was asking but answered something like "Well, not as many as we'd like." :)

 

I think I would really like your mother! :D Your idea is most excellent as well. I'm building up my repertoire here, ladies, thanks a lot!

[Twinmom]

I have no good advice, but, oh my, is your daughter every beautiful!!

 

Thanks, Mindy! You are so sweet! Here's my favorite pic of the little darling...she was certainly blessed in the looks dept.! She's a tough cookie, but her sweet spirit also matches her appearance. She's a special kid!

 

[Mom2legomaniacs]

I don't know a great response. But I do wonder sometimes. This country exists because at one point or another all (except the Native Americans) were "those" people.

 

There is a big difference. "those people" were here and wanted to become part of america. Became productive citizens legally. Went to classes to and proudly got their citizenship. Learned english, learned how great a free education was for their children and did everything they could to pay for college knowing the importance of it all. "Those people" now come here and do not try to do anything but make some money to help their families back home. Some don't try to do anything. They don't try to learn the language, get their citizen ship, do things legally, become productive citizens.

 

 

 

I understand that. I still feel some compassion for those in bad situations though. I don't know the whole story. So I cannot really say that they are not trying. Maybe they aren't. Everybody has a story of some kind. Each situation is different. I wish there were easier solutions to these problems. I just feel for those in tough situations, you know. I get what you are saying. I simply don't have enough answers to form a good opinion, you know.

 

I am sure that some do not try and are not productive. But look at the number of citizens that fall into that category as well. Plenty!

[Michelle T]

Another thought would be "Which people do you mean?" when they say "those people". I have found most people are going to be too embarrassed to say anything more. Then if they say something like "You know what I mean." You can say something like "No, actually I don't." or "Yes, I think I do. But I don't really agree."

 

I still remember when I was a kid and we were trying to sell our house we had a woman come and look at it. She asked my Mom if there were many blacks in the neighborhood. My Mom knew of course why she was asking but answered something like "Well, not as many as we'd like." :)

 

We are a Jewish family. Years ago, when we were selling our house, a couple came to look at it. The wife asked my mom if there were any Jewish temples in the area. My mom was really happy, thinking that they must also be Jewish, and told the wife where the nearest temple was (not that near). The wife said that that was too close, and she didn't want to live "anywhere near Jews". She then added some more comments that I won't even bother to post.

 

There are people just filled with hatred for anyone not like them all over. Hating so many different groups. I agree with others who said to just calmly state that your DD is Hispanic and leave it at that. She's a beauty, by the way.

 

Our very best friends are a family with Hispanic dad, non-Hispanic mom.

Michelle T

[Vida Winter]

I actually don't hear many of those comments although I am half Hispanic (but I don't look it). My mom who lives in Arizona is Hispanic an doesn't look it - but she hears plenty of those comments and silently seethes.

 

I give people the benefit of the doubt and assume they are frustrated with the illegal immigrant situation taxing the country's services, and just let it go. Sometimes if I get ticked enough I will tell them that I'm half Hispanic and they drop it pretty fast.

 

I think it would be good to remember that God's love is large enough for all of us, and to say a prayer for those who don't realize it.

 

Your daughter is a true beauty.

 

:grouphug:

[Twinmom]

I think it would be good to remember that God's love is large enough for all of us, and to say a prayer for those who don't realize it.

 

Now that's grace! Way to go, Dana!

[Retired]

comments. I guess since I was raised in the south with all the prejudices. I learned to speak up and defend. I am Caucasian but alway had friends of all races and believe me I was called some hateful names for it. I usually as a Christian make the statement that we all have the same blood. We each are made identical except for melanin. God made us all in his image not just Caucasians. I love to put people with there prejudices in there plan. I really love to do this to my MIL long time southern racists who has finally reformed

 

I have problems with the illegal immigration and I think thinks should change. It is hurting the economy and health care. I don't hold it against the h Hispanic but against our government for not doing what they promised and securing the borders back in 1986.

[Desert Rat]

We have a similar reaction with negative Jew comments. My dh and my boys are all blond and blue. But, my dh lost almost every relative he had in Polish concentration camps. His great grandmother made it to New York and declared herself Catholic. The family has been Catholic ever since.

So....my dh tells people that fact when someone in his company makes a negative Jewish comment. Of course, he's really light hearted and doesn't really take much offense, but he feels it's his duty to stop prejudices when he can.

One doesn't need to be snarky to get a point across. Sometimes he lets it go; other times he takes a stand. With health care professionals I would probably take a stand.

Sorry, you're experiencing this. Your daughter is absolutely lovely.

[LisaNY]

What a cutie pie!! For some reason I cannot fathom, someone gave your thread a poor rating. I tried to bring it up, but it is still only three stars. I don't really know how the system works.

[kim in ks]

our youngest 2 are adopted from Guatemala, so are assumed "mexican" a lot. I always say " I agree, we should not let "illegal immigrants stay in our country, I brought mine over legally and everyone else should also!"

kim

[Mandy in TN]

I want to learn to respond gracefully

 

My husband isn't Hispanic; he is Iranian. There is the bigger issue of prejudice that the issue of illegal immigration has exacerbated. Many prejudiced people do not recognize a difference between Indian/ Hispanic/ Middle Eastern. My husband and I have had many talks about this.

 

If a person will talk about illegal immigration and its problems in front of dh (in your case dd), we try to discourage the term "those people" by using the term illegal immigrants/immigration which dh and I agree is an issue worthy of discussion. However, if a surly bubba gets in dh's face and demands to know where he is from, I have asked dh to please tell him Israel or Italy. For reasons I don't pretend to understand, it would be alright to assault a man from Iran, but not a man from Israel or Italy. Perhaps telling this fib is wrong, but he doesn’t have to explain anything to someone who is just looking for a reason to hurt him.

 

I do think I would address the difference between illegal immigration issues and prejudice with your daughter. The advice you have been given on addressing others has been wonderful.

 

1. Ignore, walk away, and just let it go. Assume that people are not prejudiced, but rather ignorant of the correct terminology to express their frustrations.

 

2. If it is someone with whom you have or may in the future have a real relationship or ongoing interaction, express correct terminology (i.e. illegal immigration issues instead of "those people") and assume ignorance rather than prejudice on their part.

 

3. If it is a case of prejudice where you are with people you will see again, you can try stating that you feel the discussion is not appropriate in front of children and change the subject- just like you would do a person who was relating any other inappropriate information. React in the same way you would react if the person began discussing particulars of their intimate relations in front of your children. They may ask why in which case I would give only as much info as necessary. You can say something like a)that like discussing intimate relations you would prefer that this discussion not go on in front of your child or b)that you have minorities in your family and this discussion is hurtful and add c)while obviously they feel a certain way you do not and let’s talk about XYZ instead. I have never felt that I could change a prejudice regarding the Middle East or Muslims by confronting a person with the fact that my dh is an Iranian Muslim.

 

3. If physically confronted by a stranger, I would never admit to anything that would lead to assault. These people aren’t looking for explanations; they are looking for an excuse to bully or hurt you. As a woman/ young lady, if confronted anyone, it doesn’t matter why he or she is confronting you, it is always good advice to move away- move away quickly.

 

HTH-

Mandy

[Twinmom]

There is the bigger issue of prejudice that the issue of illegal immigration has exacerbated.

 

If a person will talk about illegal immigration and its problems in front of dh (in your case dd), we try to discourage the term "those people" by using the term illegal immigrants/immigration which dh and I agree is an issue worthy of discussion.

 

You are very right, Mandy. There are two different issues here that overlap! Prejudice and illegal immigration...prejudice being the one that my daughter has to deal with. Illegal immigration has nothing to do with her and is, as you've mentioned, a real problem. It's one that we could probably go on and on about, and it's likely the reason for folks getting more and more nasty on the prejudice side of things. Frankly, I believe it shows a person's ignorance when they lump all Hispanics (or Iranians, etc.!) into one group with those here illegally. That just brings about more prejudice (which, IMO, has no legitimate excuse for existence!) and hurts innocents like my daughter. Who would say such a thing to a child, anyway? :glare:

 

You are wise, IMO, to suggest your DH fib when confronted. No need to get hurt on principle...no need whatsoever.

 

If anyone wants to have an in-depth talk about illegal immigration beyond what's been posted here so far (and no one has gone too far...I'm just heading it off at the pass!), do me a favor and start another thread. It's a legitimate topic worthy of discussion and I'll probably jump right in with you to talk...but herein, I really just need suggestions for helping DD deal with prejudice...illegal immigration has nothing to do with her. Thanks for understanding! :D

[Laurie4b]

Gee, do you know any of those people? I do. They are hard-working people, concerned parents, and loving friends. They came and took care of me when I had a back injury. They brought me food and flowers that they couldn't afford--because they are that way.

[sadiegirl]

I try to tell my kids that there are good people and bad people of all races---and that choices and life situations are generally what causes people of any race to cause for this type of discrimination. My boys both say that we are all children of God BUT they do recognize when someone does something that is not right.

I have always thought that we aren't born to discriminate...it is a learned behavior that kids adopt as they are exposed to adult comments, and negative attitudes.

They come into this world with such an unconditional love but I feel as adults many teach them to love CONDITIONALLY. I try to remind my kids we don't want someone looking at us and making comments about us and forming judgements.

 

You have a beautiful daughter...be proud of her!!! And she should be proud to have a mom standing strong for her!

[Twinmom]

If anyone wants to have an in-depth talk about illegal immigration beyond what's been posted here so far (and no one has gone too far...I'm just heading it off at the pass!), do me a favor and start another thread. It's a legitimate topic worthy of discussion and I'll probably jump right in with you to talk...but herein, I really just need suggestions for helping DD deal with prejudice. Illegal immigration has nothing to do with her. Thanks for understanding! :D

 

Just to reiterate...:D

[Twinmom]

You have a beautiful daughter...be proud of her!!! And she should be proud to have a mom standing strong for her!

 

Thanks, Sadie! You warmed my heart.

[MotherMayI]

I personally don't let racially or culturally-motivated comments like that go, no matter what group they're cutting down. It's just wrong, wrong, wrong.

 

I'd go so far as to say that America is a country of immigrants and diversity and that I find such comments personally offensive. Then I'd walk away.

 

:iagree:

[Laurie4b]

I think there are several ways to handle it depending on the moment. We've had foster children who had different skin than we.

 

I really like GVA's answer above.

 

In the tutoring I do in a working class neighborhood, I sometimes hear, "I don't like ___people." I asked advice from a Latino man who works with an African American man running a ministry in downtown Los Angelos how he would deal with that and he thought it was very important to be upfront about your position. For instance, in response to, "I don't like ____ people," he would say, " I like all the colors."

 

I think one thing that is critical is that your dd is caught between two worlds--she has a Latino body being raised in a Caucasian family, in a country where the majority is also Caucasian. There may come a time, though, when peers begin to challenge her about her identity. It is not at all uncommon, for instance, with AA kids living with Caucasian parents to be challenged about being "too white" and whose peers push them to make a choice between parents and ethnic identity. This is excruciatingly painful for the kid, and for the family as well.

 

So I think it's important that you stand up against comments like that in general, so she will always know, and never doubt, that you did stand up against prejudice--not just against her, but in general.

 

I don't think I would call attention to her in front of her, as in the doctor's office, just use a general comment about finding that kind of thing offensive. When people stop feeling "safe" saying that thing in front of other Caucasians, they'll stop saying it. You may not be able to change what they think, but you can change what they say.

 

Secondly, in the case of the person at the physician's office, I would write a letter to the physician and describe what happened. In the letter, I would state that you have a daughter who is Latino and that you will not stand for that kind of thing. Are you willing to quit that practice? If he doesn't discipline the employee, I would go, and then tell him that you have gone and why. Do not give your economic support to people who would harm your daughter. That kind of thing doesn't go over kids' heads for long, if at all.

[PrairieAir]

I don't know a great response. But I do wonder sometimes. This country exists because at one point or another all (except the Native Americans) were "those" people. We all have roots from somewhere else. Why do they come here? Mostly, to seek a better life for their family. Can you imagine how hard it must be to go through the journey and risk what "they" do in order to just live? Yes, it taxes our system and pockets. But it makes me very sad that these kinds of situations even exist. That they cannot make enough to feed their family where they already are. Sorry, rambled a bit.

 

:iagree:

 

This is an issue which disturbs me greatly. I can see both sides of it, but it really bothers me to hear the way some people can talk about other human beings. Too often they don't even know whether or not the people they are talking about are legal or illegal immigrants; they just lump anyone who looks like they could be hispanic into that group of illegal immigrants.

 

Do the people who make such comments know their own family history? Have they never read this poem?

 

The New Colossus

by Emma Lazarus

 

Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,

With conquering limbs astride from land to land;

Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand

A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame

Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name

Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand

Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command

The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.

"Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she

With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

 

(I can't read that poem without crying!)

 

Okay, I don't want to turn this thread about your daughter into a thread about immigration--legal or otherwise. I can't think of anything gracious to say though. Your dd is BEAUTIFUL!

[dragons in the flower bed]

"those people" were here and wanted to become part of america. Became productive citizens legally. Went to classes to and proudly got their citizenship. Learned english, learned how great a free education was for their children and did everything they could to pay for college knowing the importance of it all. "Those people" now come here and do not try to do anything but make some money to help their families back home. Some don't try to do anything. They don't try to learn the language, get their citizen ship, do things legally, become productive citizens.

 

My experience, admittedly just that, is quite contrary.

 

My stepfather was an illegal immigrant from Columbia. His family was well off, but found themselves on the wrong side of FARC, and when one brother was kidnapped, the rest of them realized they'd better run for their lives. He lived here for years before becoming legal, while going to college and working full time. Many of his friends and family are also Hispanic illegal immigrants, and my mother's couch has slept them from time to time (and hosted them much more frequently for barbecues).

 

I don't know a single one who doesn't work. I don't know any who are not trying very hard to learn English, to make heads or tails of the immigration process, to bring their family over (or send money back to their family). Most of them work more than one job. All of them are busy, productive people, the type who are always quick to pick up a tool set on their day off and help a neighbor work on their car or home (pro bono).

 

Some are my stepcousins, kids who couldn't speak a word of English at ten or twelve when they arrived here illegally. Every last one is now working in the medical industry, as nurses and technicians. They work their butts off. Here. Contributing to our economy. They work from dawn to dusk and then they send what they have left to Columbia, to their grandparents.

 

"Those people" is too vague for my tastes. Do you mean my little sister, as American as a kid can get, but brown? Do you mean my stepfather, who came here illegally, and now owns a fancy pants restaurant in the Hamptons? Or my stepcousins, who work from dawn till dusk then cram into one teeny house like cockroaches to sleep, except on Sundays, when they play their music loud enough for you to differentiate it from the muzak moaning out of your white neighbors windows? Do you mean only illegal immigrants who do not work hard? If so, please say that, instead of "those people," which has a way of expanding to include all brown people with accents.

[Mamasteff]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Unfortunately there will always be people who have silly or worse prejudices. I wish she did not have to learn these lessons - or that your family would be protected from other people's ignorance. But that is not likely.

 

Unfortunately, there are so many historical lessons she can learn from this. Treatment of Native Americans by whites over the course of US History. Or treatment of Blacks or Jews or Irish or ... Japanese during World War II.

 

I love the grace in prayer that Dana offered. How would you kindly say to someone,

"One of my favorite quotes is by George Santayana - Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it. Thanks for reminding me to teach my children about the horrible results of prejudice."

 

(not as gracious, but I'm about releasing the inner Mama Bear on occasion.)

[Liz CA]

I don't know a great response. But I do wonder sometimes. This country exists because at one point or another all (except the Native Americans) were "those" people. We all have roots from somewhere else. Why do they come here? Mostly, to seek a better life for their family. Can you imagine how hard it must be to go through the journey and risk what "they" do in order to just live? Yes, it taxes our system and pockets. But it makes me very sad that these kinds of situations even exist. That they cannot make enough to feed their family where they already are. Sorry, rambled a bit.

 

I think a lot of people who voice opinions like Twinmom mentioned are referring to many Hispanics in this country who are here illegally and many are quite adept at using the system to their advantage. Peole are more aware of it now because the economy is faltering and things are tight everywhere. Hispanics who work here legally and contribute like the rest of us are not draining our resources.

I do not believe that illegals should have access to our medical care while some Americans never have any benefits.

This is a loooong way from making disparaging and wide-swept comments about Hispanics in general. My best friend is married to a Hispanic and they are wonderful people.

I suppose I would tell my Hispanic daughter (if I had one) that there is a difference because she is not here illegally but some people cannot see past the color of the skin. Help her to acquire a thick skin so those comments can roll off her back without leaving any scars.

As her mother, I might say directly to people: "Yes, I can understand that you are concerned about the many benefits illegalimmigrants with Hispanic roots are enjoying. Perhaps the next generation will come up with a better solution to this."

And I would really stress the *illegal* part.

[Liz CA]

I don't know a great response. But I do wonder sometimes. This country exists because at one point or another all (except the Native Americans) were "those" people. We all have roots from somewhere else. Why do they come here? Mostly, to seek a better life for their family. Can you imagine how hard it must be to go through the journey and risk what "they" do in order to just live? Yes, it taxes our system and pockets. But it makes me very sad that these kinds of situations even exist. That they cannot make enough to feed their family where they already are. Sorry, rambled a bit.

 

I think a lot of people who voice opinions like Twinmom mentioned are referring to many Hispanics in this country who are here illegally and many are quite adept at using the system to their advantage. Peole are more aware of it now because the economy is faltering and things are tight everywhere. Hispanics who work here legally and contribute like the rest of us are not draining our resources.

I do not believe that illegals should have access to our medical care while some Americans never have any benefits.

This is a loooong way from making disparaging and wide-swept comments about Hispanics in general. My best friend is married to a Hispanic and they are wonderful people.

I suppose I would tell my Hispanic daughter (if I had one) that there is a difference because she is not here illegally but some people cannot see past the color of the skin. Help her to acquire a thick skin so those comments can roll off her back without leaving any scars.

As her mother, I might say directly to people: "Yes, I can understand that you are concerned about the many benefits *illegal* immigrants are enjoying. Perhaps the next generation will come up with a better solution to this."

And I would really stress the *illegal* part.

[Twinmom]

I think one thing that is critical is that your dd is caught between two worlds--she has a Latino body being raised in a Caucasian family, in a country where the majority is also Caucasian. There may come a time, though, when peers begin to challenge her about her identity. It is not at all uncommon, for instance, with AA kids living with Caucasian parents to be challenged about being "too white" and whose peers push them to make a choice between parents and ethnic identity. This is excruciatingly painful for the kid, and for the family as well.

 

So I think it's important that you stand up against comments like that in general, so she will always know, and never doubt, that you did stand up against prejudice--not just against her, but in general.

 

Laurie, that's certainly another issue that we deal with. It's hard to know what to do about it, but we do have a working plan of sorts right now. We don't talk in terms of Hispanic vs. white. We tell our kids that there is "color" and there is "culture." "Color" comes from the amount of melanine in your skin...you get that from your birth parents, just like your height or your talents may be passed along. "Culture" is entirely different...it is the way you were raised, the way you do things, the way you see the world. DD doesn't, for example, naturally favor Mexican food just because she has brown skin...she does because she was raised on it in Texas! For better or worse, our kiddos are being raised in OUR family, so they get OUR culture. If their birth parents had raised them, they'd get THEIR culture...but for whatever reason (though I do know quite a few!), their birth parents wanted them to be raised in our family, with our culture.

 

That doesn't mean, for example, that DD can't learn about or be proud of Mexican culture (she does happen to have Mexican-American, with completely legal birth parents!) or that my boys can't be proud that they are from strong, Panhandle of TX stock (mutts, otherwise! ;)). We do learn about and encourage those things. That doesn't mean that they can't identify with that part of themselves as much as they'd like to. However, they will at some point have to come to terms with the fact that they lost some of that culture when they were adopted. Now, they get to add into the mix being raised by a hot-blooded Italian momma who can cook meatballs like no other and an Irish daddy who can fix anything. We become a hodgepodge of our experiences , whether we like it or not. We can accept it, or spend our lives miserably fighting against our lot in life. Hopefully, DD, as well as our DSs, will choose the former.

 

Anyway, that's our plan for better or worse. I didn't know you'd been a foster mom...how cool! I used to run a foster care program, and I always used to say that I could run the program, but I'd never be strong enough to foster. It takes a special person with strength that I lack!

[Twinmom]

"One of my favorite quotes is by George Santayana - Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it. Thanks for reminding me to teach my children about the horrible results of prejudice."

 

Oh, now I like that one! I'll definitely save it up for my Momma Bear moments!

[nakitty]

Well, we are all white as can be in my family...but if *I* heard such absolutely racist remarks...ESPECIALLY being said in front of my children.... I would tell the doctor and his/her nurses, in no uncertain terms, that I will be finding another doctor for my children....and that I find their behavior disgusting and intolerable and that I will make sure to tell everyone I know to stay clear of their practice. And I would absolutely do it in front of my children...because *I* feel that some things are worth taking a stand...and I want my children to know that too.

[umarider]

I don't have any witty comments for you to use towards the perpetrators, but when I encounter similar situations around my dc, I take a private moment to discuss w/ my kids how people who think/act that way are a little "broken" and missing something in their make-up... and that we should feel sympathy for them as they will doubtless miss many wonderful, diverse opportunities as they go through life with such a limiting attitude.

 

I've found it virtually impossible for me to change the attitudes of prejudice people. I can only control my behavior and try to influence that of my children.