Settle something between dd and i please

[amo_mea_filiis.]

A poll will be coming.

 

Dd (until last nigh and this morning) had not showered in a week, and her hair had not been done (conditioned well, combed out, loose braids) in at least a month :glare: :001_huh:.

 

Yesterday I picked up some coconut oil for her hair. This morning i washed her hair, conditioned the carp out of it, combed it out, let it sit, added the coconut oil (scooped out a spoonful and microwaved for 20 seconds), combed again and put it in 2 piggy-tail braids.

 

This will be done nightly.

 

Now for the point (dd is mixed race and her hair leans more towards black); dd is complaning that i put too much coconut oil (a microwaved spoonful) in her hair. I said that with her lack of hair care and hygiene, too much is simply not possible.

 

What say the all knowing Hive?

[Jen500]

Well, i think that's too long to go w/o showering and washing hair. But I don't see what that has to do with coconut oil? Wouldn't oil in the hair just make dirt stick to it more?

[Annie G]

I voted the third option but dd *might* be right. My youngest dd uses coconut oil on her hair and the right amount makes it soft and shiny but too much just makes it greasy. Time will tell how much you need to use for your dd.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Well, i think that's too long to go w/o showering and washing hair. But I don't see what that has to do with coconut oil? Wouldn't oil in the hair just make dirt stick to it more?

 

Waaaaay too long, so I agree as well. Dd's hair needs a lot of conditioner and oil. She should only shampoo once each week (at most), but should condition and shower daily.

[Night Elf]

I do not know anything about hair care for hair types other than my own so I have no idea what is too much or too little product. However, I can comment on the no showering for a week or hair care for a month. That is just gross. Whether you like it or not, people will judge you based on your appearance and a lack of hygiene skills is a characteristic of poor character. I'm not saying you need to iron and starch your outfits, but you should look and smell clean. Otherwise people may think there is something wrong with you.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Those of you voting in favor of dd read that she does NOT have caucasian hair, right? Her hair needs oil. I could not imagine how gross looking my hair would feel with excess oil!

[CroppinIt]

I do not know anything about hair care for hair types other than my own so I have no idea what is too much or too little product. However, I can comment on the no showering for a week or hair care for a month. That is just gross. Whether you like it or not, people will judge you based on your appearance and a lack of hygiene skills is a characteristic of poor character. I'm not saying you need to iron and starch your outfits, but you should look and smell clean. Otherwise people may think there is something wrong with you.

 

:iagree: At 11, she needs to shower regularly. As for the hair, I can't help you with that one.

 

I used to work for a boss who didn't think it necessary to shower regularly. You could smell her from down the hall. It made me very uncomfortable to be around her, despite the fact that she was, dispositionally, a very pleasant lady.

[sassenach]

You need women with ethnic hair to weigh in on this. There's a whole different set of rules for afro hair, and I only know enough to know that I shouldn't even try to have an opinion on this.

Edited June 5, 2012 by Shannon831

[sassenach]

Those of you voting in favor of dd read that she does NOT have caucasian hair, right? Her hair needs oil. I could not imagine how gross looking my hair would feel with excess oil!

 

This is a board full of mostly white women. What do we know? lol. On a flip note, just use less oil and see what happens. Your dd is of the age where you need to let her call the shots on the little things, even if she's wrong.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I do not know anything about hair care for hair types other than my own so I have no idea what is too much or too little product. However, I can comment on the no showering for a week or hair care for a month. That is just gross. Whether you like it or not, people will judge you based on your appearance and a lack of hygiene skills is a characteristic of poor character. I'm not saying you need to iron and starch your outfits, but you should look and smell clean. Otherwise people may think there is something wrong with you.

 

 

I agree with you. She is finally at the top of the waiting list for a behavior therapist. I am out of ideas to get her butt in the shower. I shower daily. Ds bathes daily.

 

Dd will settle into a daily showering routine, but it only lasts a month or so. I can no longer physically put her in the shower, and i do what i can.

 

However, her hair never looks or smells like mine or ds's would if we did not wash our hair for a week.

[Gailmegan]

You need women with ethnic hair to weigh in on this. There's a whole different set of rules for afro hair, and I only know enough to know that I shouldn't even try to have an opinion on this.

 

:iagree:

[JudoMom]

A poll will be coming.

 

Dd (until last nigh and this morning) had not showered in a week, and her hair had not been done (conditioned well, combed out, loose braids) in at least a month :glare: :001_huh:.

 

Yesterday I picked up some coconut oil for her hair. This morning i washed her hair, conditioned the carp out of it, combed it out, let it sit, added the coconut oil (scooped out a spoonful and microwaved for 20 seconds), combed again and put it in 2 piggy-tail braids.

 

This will be done nightly.

 

Now for the point (dd is mixed race and her hair leans more towards black); dd is complaning that i put too much coconut oil (a microwaved spoonful) in her hair. I said that with her lack of hair care and hygiene, too much is simply not possible.

 

What say the all knowing Hive?

 

I don't understand why you're making this a battle. If she thinks you used too much, let her do it next time.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Going a month is what happens where i give her some control! Lol.

 

This is not a huge deal between us, just an "eww, moooommmmm you put too much coconut oil in my hair". "ok, darling daughter. Dont wait so long to take care of your hair and it wouldnt need so much right now."

[Princess Peach]

If you can, I would take her in to a salon that knows what they're doing with AA hair. Take their advice on how to care for it. If that is not doable, go in to a Sally Beauty Supply if you have one in your area and ask them. Get specific shampoo and conditioner for her hair. It will be reasonably priced there and if only she uses it, it will last a long time.

 

I have very tight, curly hair (though I am caucasian) and if I put too much leave in conditioner in, my hair feels gross. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. ;)

[Slipper]

I don't understand why you're making this a battle. If she thinks you used too much, let her do it next time.

 

I agree with the above. :) Is there a reason why she can't do it herself? (Other than the obvious that she hasn't been doing it. ;) )

[Scarlett]

You need women with ethnic hair to weigh in on this. There's a whole different set of rules for afro hair, and I only know enough to know that I shouldn't even try to have an opinion on this.

 

:iagree:

[JudoMom]

Going a month is what happens where i give her some control! Lol.

 

This is not a huge deal between us, just an "eww, moooommmmm you put too much coconut oil in my hair". "ok, darling daughter. Dont wait so long to take care of your hair and it wouldnt need so much right now."

 

You said this was going to happen nightly, right? So tonight, tell her she does it or you do it.

[justLisa]

What works well is to put a TON of coconut oil in, and then wrap a hot barely damp towel around your hair for about 10-15 minutes.....or in your case as long as she can handle ;) then braid or let air dry. It really absorbs the oil well without the excess oily feeling.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Other than not doing it, she really is not capable. Sure, she can condition and comb, but it has to be in braids to hold in the moisture (for now and about 6 weeks of intense hair care) and that she cant do.

 

Anyone who thinks we're battling, this is how we're battling;

 

:D :tongue_smilie: :boxing_smiley: :tongue_smilie: :D

 

And this is what dd does when told to shower. :toetap05: :leaving:

[amo_mea_filiis.]

What works well is to put a TON of coconut oil in, and then wrap a hot barely damp towel around your hair for about 10-15 minutes.....or in your case as long as she can handle ;) then braid or let air dry. It really absorbs the oil well without the excess oily feeling.

 

This sounds like a good idea!

[Scarlett]

I have no idea how to deal with black hair....but I was mesmerized by a little black baby (18 months) at the pool the other day. She had an afro, more up than out...about 6-8 inches above her forehead. She was gorgeous and her hair was gorgeous. I told her mom I thought so...and mom says, 'thanks. I didn't do her hair because we were coming to the pool.'

 

All I could think was, 'how could you 'do' it to make it more gorgeous than it is?'....but then WTM voices were in my head telling me not to say anything that might offend. ;) I also wanted to take a picture of her, but feared that was too forward as well.

 

Sigh. She was stunning though.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

If you can, I would take her in to a salon that knows what they're doing with AA hair. Take their advice on how to care for it. If that is not doable, go in to a Sally Beauty Supply if you have one in your area and ask them. Get specific shampoo and conditioner for her hair. It will be reasonably priced there and if only she uses it, it will last a long time.

 

I have very tight, curly hair (though I am caucasian) and if I put too much leave in conditioner in, my hair feels gross. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. ;)

 

 

I did! And this is who said To use the coconut oil and not to be afraid of it! :)

 

Dd seems to forget all of this. I thought a poll (favoring me :glare: :tongue_smilie: ) that i could pull up when dd complains would be helpful.

[cajunrose]

I have no advice but I wanted to say that I love love love your siggy line...polyatheist...that's a great one!!!

[myfunnybunch]

Those of you voting in favor of dd read that she does NOT have caucasian hair, right? Her hair needs oil. I could not imagine how gross looking my hair would feel with excess oil!

 

Really, none of us can see her hair or feel it. I voted it's possible (and I did understand her hair type) because, while I'm not sure who's right, it is possible, and quite frankly, you and your daughter are both in far better positions to judge than folks voting in an message board poll. Experimenting with the amount of oil over the next week or so, or taking her to a salon that's got people experienced with her hair type might be a better way to judge how much oil she needs.

 

:)

 

Cat

[justLisa]

I just wanted to add my little "I refuse to bathe" story. It went on for about 2 months in hot weather. My little guy had/has some sensory issues and I have no idea why he was so bothered by bathing. Often at night I would just wash his hands/face and I even brought a GIANT bowl of warm water into the living room where he was sitting and stuck his feet in it. I'm not kidding. I just didn't want the struggle and eventually he figured out it's MUCH quicker to just hop in the bath.

 

BOTH my kids are very sensitive to being cold after bath/shower. For the longest time I would put their towels in the dryer a few minutes prior to getting out. And, I am happy to report that DS is now OBSESSED with showering nightly LOL. He does so all on his own with a fresh from the linen closet cold towel. ;)

[historically accurate]

I just wanted to add my little "I refuse to bathe" story. It went on for about 2 months in hot weather. My little guy had/has some sensory issues and I have no idea why he was so bothered by bathing. Often at night I would just wash his hands/face and I even brought a GIANT bowl of warm water into the living room where he was sitting and stuck his feet in it. I'm not kidding. I just didn't want the struggle and eventually he figured out it's MUCH quicker to just hop in the bath.

 

BOTH my kids are very sensitive to being cold after bath/shower. For the longest time I would put their towels in the dryer a few minutes prior to getting out. And, I am happy to report that DS is now OBSESSED with showering nightly LOL. He does so all on his own with a fresh from the linen closet cold towel. ;)

 

I had one who sat on a stepstool ABOVE the water level to take a bath. She couldn't take sitting in the bathwater & showers freaked her out -- like climbing hysterically up my head freak out! Then, one day, she decided to take a bath with no stool, and she's been good to go ever since. Never did figure out what changed. She still doesn't like showers, but she can at least tolerate them now.

 

OP, I have no idea about the amount of oil for AA hair. So I didn't vote in the poll. One of my friends had temp custody of a biracial child a few months ago; she did not use shampoo on him more than once a month & just rinsed his hair with water. It was gorgeous & so soft.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I just wanted to add my little "I refuse to bathe" story. It went on for about 2 months in hot weather. My little guy had/has some sensory issues and I have no idea why he was so bothered by bathing. Often at night I would just wash his hands/face and I even brought a GIANT bowl of warm water into the living room where he was sitting and stuck his feet in it. I'm not kidding. I just didn't want the struggle and eventually he figured out it's MUCH quicker to just hop in the bath.

 

BOTH my kids are very sensitive to being cold after bath/shower. For the longest time I would put their towels in the dryer a few minutes prior to getting out. And, I am happy to report that DS is now OBSESSED with showering nightly LOL. He does so all on his own with a fresh from the linen closet cold towel. ;)

 

I had one who sat on a stepstool ABOVE the water level to take a bath. She couldn't take sitting in the bathwater & showers freaked her out -- like climbing hysterically up my head freak out! Then, one day, she decided to take a bath with no stool, and she's been good to go ever since. Never did figure out what changed. She still doesn't like showers, but she can at least tolerate them now.

 

OP, I have no idea about the amount of oil for AA hair. So I didn't vote in the poll. One of my friends had temp custody of a biracial child a few months ago; she did not use shampoo on him more than once a month & just rinsed his hair with water. It was gorgeous & so soft.

 

Thank you both. As nasty as it sounds all written out, i know we are far from alone. One of the most common parts to a behavior plan with tweens includes lots on hygiene.

 

I am 99.9% certain that everything will change for the better when dd's computer gets sent back to school tomorrow ( :D ) and there are no more required electronics.

[SKL]

Do you put in the oil and then rinse it out in the shower? Or is the oil all left in?

 

A spoonful doesn't sound like that much.

 

I have put olive oil in my hair (much more than a spoonful) and then washed it out. I'm caucasion.

 

My dds only wash their hair once a week, and they could probably go longer if I would let them. Young kids don't produce oils and smells like older kids. An 11yo? Not sure which side she falls on, but it's not that unusual for them to shun baths. Once they realize they have an "odor," they generally shape up.

[Night Elf]

I agree with you. She is finally at the top of the waiting list for a behavior therapist. I am out of ideas to get her butt in the shower. I shower daily. Ds bathes daily.

 

Dd will settle into a daily showering routine, but it only lasts a month or so. I can no longer physically put her in the shower, and i do what i can.

 

However, her hair never looks or smells like mine or ds's would if we did not wash our hair for a week.

 

I just saw your signature. She has Aspergers? That's funny because I almost mentioned my ds15 with Aspergers. I'm still trying to help him understand that good hygiene is simply a standard of society that I am not willing to challenge. Sometimes I refuse to let him go out with me because he is in need of a shower and that is mostly because his hair is caucasian and it looks stringy and greasy after only 2 days. It's highly embarrassing. I tried to reason with him by asking him what he would think if he saw someone who looked like they had not showered and he was truly puzzled. He really had no clue because he's never looked at anyone through that type of filter before. The only way it works for us is for me to tell him in the morning that this is the day he needs to shower and he needs to tell me what time he will shower. Somehow knowing the exact time he needs to be in the shower is what gets him in there. If I just tell him to shower, he'll get too busy with things to remember.

[KnitWit]

I remember a friend from my hs/college years who could NOT shampoo her hair more than once a week as a rule...but maybe a week and a half or so in the winter months. Her hair, when clean, was extremely dry and brittle. I remember when she would oil her hair, at first it would look like it was TOO MUCH but after a day or so it wasn't. This was especially so if the air was dry or windy (naturally drying conditions to skin and hair). I also remember, though, that after oiling it she would put on a shower cap for a short time.

 

All that to say...it doesn't sound like you overdid it. Is she complaining of it feeling *drippy*?

 

I have to say that my friend showered REGULARLY. I don't know about daily because she also dealt with very dry skin. Even if she didn't *shower*, she definitely took care of *freshening up*. :lol:

[Harriet Vane]

I have many African-American and mixed race friends. I really, really think you should ask an African-American about the hair. My friends wash their hair roughly once a week. The rest of the week they tie a kerchief around their hair at night for sleep. My friends bathe daily, using a shower cap to keep their hair dry.

[Sun]

I voted that it's possible to use too much, but I wanted to clarify that based on your description, it doesn't sound like what you used is likely to be too much, if her hair is like I'm picturing (which it may not be). A spoonful of oil does not sound like that much, and it will continue to be absorbed over the next day or so.

[Angel]

I just saw your signature. She has Aspergers? That's funny because I almost mentioned my ds15 with Aspergers. I'm still trying to help him understand that good hygiene is simply a standard of society that I am not willing to challenge. Sometimes I refuse to let him go out with me because he is in need of a shower and that is mostly because his hair is caucasian and it looks stringy and greasy after only 2 days. It's highly embarrassing. I tried to reason with him by asking him what he would think if he saw someone who looked like they had not showered and he was truly puzzled. He really had no clue because he's never looked at anyone through that type of filter before. The only way it works for us is for me to tell him in the morning that this is the day he needs to shower and he needs to tell me what time he will shower. Somehow knowing the exact time he needs to be in the shower is what gets him in there. If I just tell him to shower, he'll get too busy with things to remember.

 

I was just coming on to say this! If this is your dd with Asperger's, then I doubt your poll will help. AND I think that the other posters need to know this, as it is not just a typical kid not showering...this is totally different. As the mom of a 17.5 yo Aspie dd, I have been there and done that. ;) Showering is still not her favorite and every once in a while still needs to be reminded. It's a fact of many Aspie kids.

 

I can't comment to your dd's hair. I have no experience with that hair type. However, I will say that the coconut oil could be bothering her in other ways. If her hair is too greasy for her it may be a sensory thing and not whether or not the amount was right. My dd has horrible scalp issues and there are some homemade remedies that I would like to try but dd could not tolerate them...not out of defiance. Dd does not like the smell of coconut oil or the greasiness. It's totally a sensory thing.

 

11 was such a hard age with my aspie dd. :grouphug: Actually, so was 12 and 13 and 14 :tongue_smilie: then it started getting better. Hang it there. Pick your battles.

[Mom-2-7]

Three of my kids are AA. A month without shampooing is normal around here. Both my girl's hair is quite dry. I shampoo once a month but spritz with oil or conditioner daily.

 

When I style their hair I do use quite a bit of oil to protect their hair from all the combing and such. Probably at least a spoonful in a spray bottle with water. Sometimes it feels a little greasy in the beginning but within a few hours their hair has absorbed most of it.

 

As far as the shower thing, showers don't happen as often as they should around here now that the warm weather has hit. Most days they are either in a pool or playing in the sprinklers. So I figure that counts.:D

[Carrie12345]

I take it you've been doing her hair for the past 11 years? (Well, minus the most recent month, lol... I have an aspie, too!) After that much time, you know what you're doing. If she doesn't LIKE what you're doing, she needs to do it herself. Otherwise, I'd go with whatever version of "sit down and shut up" is acceptable in your house.

[LostSurprise]

In general, it is polite to believe how things feel to people. If it felt like too much coconut oil to her, it probably was.

 

 

I'm not AA, but my best friend and roommate of 4 years is. She did not wash her hair more than once a week, MAXIMUM. More then that and she had problems with breakage. Its not unknown to go longer then that. Shampoo and AA hair do not mix well. It dries it out. However, glopping oil or cream on is uncomfortable too. There is a saturation point.

 

Shampooing and shower time are not related though. The body needs washing more often then hair needs to be washed. How is her sense of smell? :D If she's only 11 she probably needs a lot of reminders or a set schedule (I put ours on the chore board). My boys still do.

[mommymilkies]

I agree a week is a lot between showers, but for her hair type, I disagree it's too long between hair washings. My hair is very thick, curly, and DRY. I can go 2-4 weeks without washing and you can't smell or tell a difference. Sometimes I would just run water through it and it is still frizzy and out of control. It's changed now after #5 and is quite thin and less dry, so I can go 3 days or so, but it's not gross if you have certain hair types.