Need some help thinking things through (LONG!)

[Just Kate]

I realize that no one really "knows" me here, but I have a bit of a dillema and I am hoping that the Hive can help. :D

 

Background: Dh and I have been married for almost 13 years. During most of our married lives, dh has had a job that he has hated (sales). Frankly, he wasn't very successful at all and a job in sales just didn't fit his personality. Thankfully I have been employed during that time at a part-time job in the financial industry. I work three days per week, but earn a fairly good salary (considering it is part-time). My job has kept us afloat as dh has moved job to job.

 

I have always wanted to homeschool and for ds's K and 1st grade years, I did so by just teaching him on my days off. I was fortunate to have my mom watch my kids on the days that I worked. This past year, I found a fellow homeschool mom who agreed to keep ds two days per week and have him do school there. I sent dd to preschool two days per week (my mom watched the kids on the other day). The situation was okay, although I didn't love it. I feel like ds missed out on things that I couldn't take him to. As he gets older, it is more difficult teaching him just a few days a week. Also, it is always awkward paying a friend for a service (we had a few issues about my pick-up time for ds, etc.). Anyway, I am thankful that I got to keep ds home last year, but I wouldn't want to do it like that again.

 

So, almost a year ago, dh found a job in a completely different industry that is perfect for him. While he has had to start at the bottom, he has a lot of opportunity to move up. His industry is definitely blue collar, and most of his co-workers do not have a college degree (it is not required at all). He has a bachelors degree, military experience, and quite a bit of professional experience. This industry fits his personality perfectly and he is happier at this job than he has EVER been in the past.

 

The problem is that this job is based about two hours from where we live. His company has been putting him up in a hotel, but that will end before too long...they want him to relocate there. He works 15 days on and has 6 days off, so for now he has been coming home every 15 days. Honestly, it works for us marriage-wise. Not a problem. When his company stops paying for a hotel for him, he has a couple of friends who are single who have apartments with extra rooms that he can stay in. Typically, they work very long days (12 hours +) and they spend lots of days out of town (so the company would put him up in a hotel on those days), so really all he needs is a place to sleep.

 

Here comes my dillema. At first, I was thinking the kids and I would move to where my dh works, I would quit my job and homeschool the kids. Unfortunately, I got a little too excited about this and told ds (who really wants to continue to be homeschooled). I also got a little over anxious planning for school next year. We started looking for a rental house and found that they are way more expensive than we had imagined. Although this area has always been relatively low cost of living, the recent boom of this industry has really affected rental prices in the area (lots of guys moving to the area). Also, dh is paid hourly and while he can do quite well when getting lots of hours (which is the plan), we never will know when a month or two might come when he doesn't get as many hours. Since we have had many times in the last 12 years where dh was unemployed, we don't have a significant savings and we have a little credit card debt (which should be gone in a few months) and significant student loan debt.

 

I am beginning to wonder if the kids and I should just stay where we are for the next 12 months. I could try to work five short days and put the kids in private school. This would give us more time to get a feel for dh's job and for us to pay down debt and work on savings.

 

Of course the downside is that I wouldn't be able to homeschool (breaks my heart) and we would be living away from dh.

 

I was reading the frugal living thread and wondering if we could in fact be more frugal? Could I make significant changes to be able to homeschool? Is it worth it? Is it irresponsible to quit a great job and live on (what might be) next to nothing? Would it be smarter to work for a year to build up savings/pay off debt? Is it worth it to put the kids in school so I can work? I guess I am trying to figure out how homeschooling ranks against living on the edge (in terms of money)?

 

I don't know if I am really making sense or not (it is all so jumbled in my head). To state it simply...I could either quit my job, live with dh all the time (other than when he has to be out of town) and live an extremely frugal life (while not having much savings, but having debt). In this scenario I would get to homeschool, which would make me sooo happy.

 

Or the kids and I could stay put, have dh come home every 15 days, put the kids in private school, and pay off debt/put money in savings. In this scenario I would be very sad to put the kids in school. The hope would be that in 12 months we would have paid off debt and saved enough that I could stop working.

 

Also, I just want to say that I know there are many people here who have opted to live a frugal lifestyle so that they can stay home with their kids and homeschool. Honestly, I envy you for making that choice. I would love to know how you came to your decision?

 

Finally, is there another option I'm not seeing? I would love your thoughts (and I am happy to provide other info if you need it).

 

Sorry this is so long. Thank you so much for reading!!! :001_smile:

[MamaAkins]

Would it be possibly to find another part-time job (either in-home or out of the home) that you could do in an area closer to your husband's job? Could you do in-home daycare to bring in some money while still getting to be home/homeschooling your own children?

[happypamama]

I can't really say what I would do for sure (putting my big kids in school and getting a job wouldn't really net me anything because I'd have to pay gas and daycare for my two little guys, so it's all theoretical), but in theory, at your kids' ages, it might be worth it to try school for a year if you can work and save up. I kind of feel like one year of sacrifice would be doable. I think. I really hate the idea of putting my kids in school, but maybe with a specific goal in mind, it would be worth it.

[Just Kate]

Would it be possibly to find another part-time job (either in-home or out of the home) that you could do in an area closer to your husband's job? Could you do in-home daycare to bring in some money while still getting to be home/homeschooling your own children?

 

I could look for a job near where dh works, but it would probably need to be in-home, as I don't know that I could make enough to pay for someone to care for my kids while I work (not that I'm making a ton now, but I seriously doubt I could make as much at another part-time job). I would consider watching kids, but other than my own ;) I don't really have any experience in this area and I would be new to the town. Not sure how that might affect things?

 

I have thought for years about trying to do something from home on my own, but I have never got past thing "thinking stage" (can't find a good idea!).

[PentecostalMom]

IMHO, being with your dh and dc being with thier daddy is more important than having extra funds. You can probably revise your budget, and find ways to make a little extra money to be able to homeschool and have your family together. I know from where I speak. I am a dedicated hser and have sacrficed in many ways over the years to be able to do so. I have never regretted a moment and it has never been detrimental to our family.

[Harriet Vane]

IMHO, being with your dh and dc being with thier daddy is more important than having extra funds. You can probably revise your budget, and find ways to make a little extra money to be able to homeschool and have your family together.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Trilliums]

Can you stay where you are and homeschool (especially since your mom is nearby).

 

Ideally you would move with DH, but I can see temporarily staying apart until you get a better feel for your DH's income. You could also look for housing until you all find a really good deal and a good location for the kids.

 

Of course, I do not know exactly what I would do and it is a tough decision, but I wouldn't be in a rush to move to the new location.

[Scarlett]

I don't know if I am really making sense or not (it is all so jumbled in my head). To state it simply...I could either quit my job, live with dh all the time (other than when he has to be out of town) and live an extremely frugal life (while not having much savings, but having debt). In this scenario I would get to homeschool, which would make me sooo happy.

 

 

I understand your post completely, but I could barely finish reading it because I want to yell through the computer monitor, 'Go to where your husband is!!!'

 

It is NOT healthy on a family/marriage to be apart. Dh has been working 2 hours away for 6 months and we are about to lose our minds. Go to where he is, learn to live frugally, homeschool your kids and count your blessings. Maybe you could look for a few hours a week where you could do someone's books from home.

 

Also, I just want to say that I know there are many people here who have opted to live a frugal lifestyle so that they can stay home with their kids and homeschool. Honestly, I envy you for making that choice. I would love to know how you came to your decision?

 

When I became a SAHM I quit my job of 13 years. It was scary, but the way I came to my decision was knowing that nothing was more important (to me) than my son. I do not regret it for a single moment.

[QueenCat]

For me, I would do whatever it took to relocate as soon as possible. Our family functions better when we are together. I'm fine with the occasional work travel but a permanent scenario, I want to be under the same roof. Can I handle it if we're not? Of course, but things go better when we're all in the same place.

[Just Kate]

Thank you so much. I know that it seems obvious that we should move to where dh is. I am almost embarrassed to admit that we have been living this way since August 2011 and it actually works for us! Gee, that's not good, is it?:tongue_smilie:

 

I wanted to add a few things that I've thought of since first posting. Last August, dh got in this industry. This past April, he went to work for a different company that is a new company (but not a new, small company...it is actually quite large with a $100 million initial investment). His pay and his hours are more consistent. But since it is new, we don't have a feel for the income yet.

 

If I could think of something "real" to do from home, I'd do that in a heart beat. I wish I were an out-of-the-box thinker. I wish I could come up with some fabulous idea. But sadly, I can't. My particular job can't be done easily on my own. If I were to try to work on my own from home, it would require quite a bit of up-front money for licensing, etc. It would also required a lot of hours during business hours to try to get business. Not really my cup of tea.

 

I have thought about talking with my boss about working only two days per week and then asking my mom to watch my kids (which would give me three days for school...much more reasonable, I think). But this would mean that the kids and I would still be here, and not living with dh.

 

I just can't find a solution that I feel good about.

 

ETA: Just thinking out loud here. Dh and I work while living separately because that is honestly how we live. I kind of take care of the kids and myself, and he takes care of himself. Even though it works for us, I guess I need to think about whether it is really healthy for us. Also, I didn't really mind it when he was in a hotel, but the thought of him staying with some single guy seems different to me (although he couldn't really see my point of view when I brought it up to him).

 

Also, if he doesn't get many hours one month, we would maybe not even be able to pay our bills (if we were relying 100% on his income). Since I have a decent income, I can't get around it being irresponsible to quit in this scenario. Ugh...why can't life be simple?

Edited June 4, 2012 by mandos mom

[Gingerbread Mama]

A different take on it. What if you got rid of your home, where you live now, and moved in with your mom 2-3 days a week, she can keep your kids while you work. Then, the other 5-7 days a week, you go to where DH is. Would you all have enough money to have a very small apartment?

 

That is sort of where we are now. DH works 9 hours away. Him coming "home" is not an option for many reasons (his side of the family is too present/overbearing when he is home, no jobs there, I hate the area and plan on moving ASAP...) so we are now changing things up. I quit my full time job to HS 3 kids, it is scary, and it IS a financial adjustment. But we are now looking at selling either our house or my mom's house and she, the kids and I living together while we are "home". Then, we come stay with DH for 1-3 months at a time (depending on how much time we have off from outside commitments, the weather here where he is, etc...) It isn't IDEAL, and I'm still working towards the goal of us being together elsewhere, but it's a START.

 

Just something else to think about :)

 

ETA: Not being ideal has nothing to do with my mom :) She will likely come with us when we manage to get out of the rural USA as she is now retired and has the freedom to move (and wishes to do so.) I only meant not ideal in the sense that what I REALLY want is to all be in a larger area permanently. Right now, though, I'm taking what I can get - which is this. And that's better than what we had before - kids in PS and beaten down by it, me working full time and too worn out to afterschool, all our time tied up and not able to spend large amounts of time with DH.

 

Ah, shoot, ETA (again): I'd only recommend this if you work consectuive days (Mon/Tues or Wed/Thurs/Fri for example.) Going back and forth multiple times a week would stink.

Edited June 4, 2012 by Gingerbread Mama

[Tap]

What if you reverse you plan. You move to where dh is and you travel back to work 3 days a week (assuming they are in a row). If you mother would let you stay with her on those days, you won't have rental issues. If she would be willing to watch the kids on the weeks when you dh is home, she would have every 3rd week off. This would at least give you the chance to move without giving up everything, and then you can make adjustments from there. Home school the 4 days you are off each week. You won't get a day off personally, but homeschooling those ages won't take all day, so you will replace a few days off a week, with 4 half days.

[momto4kings]

Are you going to make enough money to pay for a private school AND pay off debt AND save? I also think you should be with your husband. I would be worried about my marriage if the current arrangement "works".

[gardenmom5]

why would you incur the expense of PRIVATE school if you feel you can't afford to move closer to your dh's job? HOW do you justify that?

 

I would move closer to my dh's job, live more frugally (jobs are there to support a family. the family is what it's about.), smaller house/apartment if that's what it took, find a part time job if needed.

 

I've done the unemployment thing, I've done the part time job thing, I've done the frugal thing (and there are LOTS of things people think are necessities that are luxuries.) - the family is the whole point of what we are doing.

[LaxMom]

Are you going to make enough money to pay for a private school AND pay off debt AND save? I also think you should be with your husband.

This was my first question, too.

 

And, yes, I would go into the unknown with my family together before I would maintain our lifestyle with my family apart in the long run.

 

In this situation, we would probably try to find a one bedroom apt, if necessary, and we grown-ups would sleep on a futon in the living room and have the kids share a room until the debt was paid off, there was more certainty about income, and a nice financial cushion was established.

Edited June 4, 2012 by MyCrazyHouse

[BlsdMama]

I'd live on beans, rice, and dryer lint if it meant I could homeschool my kids, live with my DH, and see him in a job that makes him happy.

 

Seriously... What other good things exist in life? I don't understand the question, lol.

 

Quit. Move yesterday. Make do. This is my language.

[elegantlion]

For me, I would do whatever it took to relocate as soon as possible. Our family functions better when we are together. I'm fine with the occasional work travel but a permanent scenario, I want to be under the same roof. Can I handle it if we're not? Of course, but things go better when we're all in the same place.

 

:iagree: Dh and I lived 800 miles apart for 7 months. It worked, I enjoyed the time to be with ds, it was freeing in a sense. :D However, we are a family, it took another 7 months after moving back together to get our groove back. We do operate well alone, but you have kids who need their dad, boys especially need to be around their father if he is a regular part of their lives. It becomes important as they get older. I would do whatever it took to get your family back together.

 

I know many people who live apart from their spouses and do well as the adults, but there comes a time when it's time to be a family, if for no other reason than for the kids. Dad deserves to have a relationship with his kids too.

[maddykate]

Is it possible that your job could be done from home? Maybe you could go in once a month or something?

[justLisa]

If it were me, I would live in a box to be with DH.

 

Seriously, I have to fight tears every time I think of our past. When I was 9 months pregnant we had to make a huge decision to move to Texas. For many reasons I could not not move a week before or so soon after, so DH left when DD was only one month old. I lived with my parents, and my mother brought so many hardships to our marriage. DH sobbed when he flew home and held the kids before taking off again after not seeing them for 3 weeks. He could only stay one night and one half day. I was having medical troubles right after the birth and we didn't really know what to do, so I stayed while he got the rental house unpacked and ready. The very next day I called him and told him book a plane ASAP. I never thought I could actually see emotions so great through a phone, but I will never forget his reaction when I told him. He was "ok" the way things were, thinking it was the best way for ME to stay stable, etc, however, I knew that second families should be together. It still took another few weeks for us to be able to get everything together and for him to have time to fly up, so we could all fly back together.

 

No matter how tired your DH is after 12+ hour days and how little time during his workdays he can see you and your littles, it's just the fact that you are one unit, under the same roof. Just because it works for you guys right now, doesn't mean he wouldn't rather feel you next to him while sleeping, or say good morning/good night to the kids (even if they ARE sleeping.) You would probably realize that you too, have been missing his presence.

 

So, this is a true BTDT side of the story. I realized the danger zone we were headed to while being apart so long. You start relying on other people, drift apart even if you don't realize it....feeling ok that you don't talk much and do everything for yourself, etc.

 

Can you rent a small/less expensive rental and try to save some money for moving down the road?

[OrganicAnn]

I don't understand where your debt is coming from. If you quit your job, sold your house and moved to where your DH is working, then are you talking the debt of buying a home or other debt (car, Credit card, etc).

 

I think that moving to where your DH is shows that you support him and his career.

[Catwoman]

Also, I didn't really mind it when he was in a hotel, but the thought of him staying with some single guy seems different to me.

 

It is different. Very different.

 

I don't care how solid your marriage is; your dh will probably be exposed to a LOT of temptation if he lives with a single guy, and if you won't be seeing him very often, he might get awfully lonely... and although it's nice to think he'll always be able to resist temptation, I wouldn't take that chance.

 

OTOH, I'm also sensing some reluctance to move in with your own dh, and honestly, I think you need to seriously consider why you feel this way. Are you basically incompatible, or is he a great guy but you want your own space, or are you just used to calling all the shots with the kids and you don't want him butting in?

 

Before you make any decisions about whether or not to move, I think you need to figure out what is best for the relationship. For me, it would be a no-brainer to move, but it may not be what's best for you. I do think, though, that if you live apart for too long, eventually it may become a permanent situation, and it's important to consider that possibility.

Edited June 5, 2012 by Catwoman

[Catwoman]

Oops. Double post!

[bamagirl]

Would he consider just driving back and forth each day? I know it wouldn't be ideal, but we were in this situation for two years. Dh is active duty military and got transferred 2 hours away, he drove back and forth each day because we knew it would be temporary and it didn't make financial sense to move. Yes, gas is a cost and there is wear and tear on a vehicle but we were still together.

 

It sounds like you have a good support system there with your mom close by, so it seems like it would be easier for you to still homeschool and work part time if you stayed where you are.

 

I know the decisions aren't easy...good luck whatever you decide. :001_smile:

[Hope in God]

Totally go to where your husband is! Family is so important and once things start to slide it is really hard to get them back.

 

Look after 1 or 2 children during the day. I did this for 2 years and it is not difficult. I ended up getting licenced so I could justify asking the big bucks (which was $800/mo for each child at the time) but if you were to ask $100 less than market value (whatever that is in your area) you could easily find some parents that would be interested in your childcare. I recommend choosing younger children to care for because it would not introduce conflict with your children and because your children could gain a lot by learing to nurture a younger child. Also, if the younger child has a nap that is a good time to get some schoolwork done.

 

Maybe childcare is not your cup of tea but I;m sure there is something (typing medical reports, making jam, baking bread etc...). What are your strengths? Your strengths may not be what you are formally trained to do.

 

I do have to say that I agree with Scarlett. My instinct is to type in bold GO TO YOUR HUSBAND (not yelling, just empasizing:D)

 

:grouphug:

 

In the end, do what you think is right for yor family.

[Scarlett]

I'd live on beans, rice, and dryer lint if it meant I could homeschool my kids, live with my DH, and see him in a job that makes him happy.

Seriously... What other good things exist in life? I don't understand the question, lol.

 

Quit. Move yesterday. Make do. This is my language.

 

Exactly! Husband being happy in his job is waaaay up there to me.

[Just Kate]

It is different. Very different.

 

I don't care how solid your marriage is; your dh will probably be exposed to a LOT of temptation if he lives with a single guy, and if you won't be seeing him very often, he might get awfully lonely... and although it's nice to think he'll always be able to resist temptation, I wouldn't take that chance.

 

OTOH, I'm also sensing some reluctance to move in with your own dh, and honestly, I think you need to seriously consider why you feel this way. Are you basically incompatible, or is he a great guy but you want your own space, or are you just used to calling all the shots with the kids and you don't want him butting in?

 

Before you make any decisions about whether or not to move, I think you need to figure out what is best for the relationship. For me, it would be a no-brainer to move, but it may not be what's best for you. I do think, though, that if you live apart for too long, eventually it may become a permanent situation, and it's important to consider that possibility.

 

Very good questions! While dh and I have had marital problems in the past, I really do feel that 90%+ of our problems were due to his unhappiness in his career. With his new job, he is seriously a different person.

 

After spending all day thinking about it, I really feel that my only reluctance to moving to be with him is that in this economy (where a good job is hard to find by some), I would be giving up a good paying job, one that I've had for almost 7 years, and one that only requires me to work part-time. I guess I wonder if I will regret this later on?

 

We are renting our home right now, so no house to sell. The houses in the area for rent are much more expensive than what I had hoped for (as I mentioned, this is not a high COLA at all) and I worry that we might not be able to make our bills each month.

 

I guess I really need to decide what value I put on homeschooling. Prior to this, I thought that I put a very high value on it, as I have worked very hard for the past three years to homeschool while working. I also need to determine what value I place on living full-time with dh.

 

I mentioned this earlier, but if I were to stay here with the kids and work only 2 days per week, I could homeschool and at least when dh is home (he works 15 days on, 6 days off), we could be together as a family since the kids would not be in school. What are your thoughts on that?

 

Finally, I'd like to add that I think a lot of my reluctance to something that so many of you see as a no-brainer is that we have literally spent the past 12 years "living on the edge" financially. I earn a good income, but not one to support a family (but a great part-time income). I can't tell you how many times over the years that dh has lost a job and we have had to use up all of our savings and start using a credit card. Then he would get a new job and by the time we would get to being okay again, the cycle would start all over. I don't worry about this happening now, as he is really a different person when it comes to his job now. He finally found a career that fits him. But the thought of actually being able to get ahead for once sounds so nice! And it would cost me about 1/4 of my take home pay to pay for private school for the kids. That would leave the rest for dh and I to sock away. I just have to figure out if it is worth it!

[Catwoman]

Very good questions! While dh and I have had marital problems in the past, I really do feel that 90%+ of our problems were due to his unhappiness in his career. With his new job, he is seriously a different person.

 

After spending all day thinking about it, I really feel that my only reluctance to moving to be with him is that in this economy (where a good job is hard to find by some), I would be giving up a good paying job, one that I've had for almost 7 years, and one that only requires me to work part-time. I guess I wonder if I will regret this later on?

 

We are renting our home right now, so no house to sell. The houses in the area for rent are much more expensive than what I had hoped for (as I mentioned, this is not a high COLA at all) and I worry that we might not be able to make our bills each month.

 

I guess I really need to decide what value I put on homeschooling. Prior to this, I thought that I put a very high value on it, as I have worked very hard for the past three years to homeschool while working. I also need to determine what value I place on living full-time with dh.

 

I mentioned this earlier, but if I were to stay here with the kids and work only 2 days per week, I could homeschool and at least when dh is home (he works 15 days on, 6 days off), we could be together as a family since the kids would not be in school. What are your thoughts on that?

 

Finally, I'd like to add that I think a lot of my reluctance to something that so many of you see as a no-brainer is that we have literally spent the past 12 years "living on the edge" financially. I earn a good income, but not one to support a family (but a great part-time income). I can't tell you how many times over the years that dh has lost a job and we have had to use up all of our savings and start using a credit card. Then he would get a new job and by the time we would get to being okay again, the cycle would start all over. I don't worry about this happening now, as he is really a different person when it comes to his job now. He finally found a career that fits him. But the thought of actually being able to get ahead for once sounds so nice! And it would cost me about 1/4 of my take home pay to pay for private school for the kids. That would leave the rest for dh and I to sock away. I just have to figure out if it is worth it!

 

Thanks for all of the details! :001_smile:

 

I can absolutely understand your reluctance to move if it's mainly about the financial stuff. You've been there and done that with financial trouble, and it makes perfect sense that you're smart enough to know you don't want to be in that position again.

 

My concern was that it was more of a personal issue, and it appears that it's not that at all. You're just trying to make sense of the logistics and find a way that works for your family.

 

What does your dh think you should do? Is he happy with the way things are, or does he think it's worth the risks in order to have the whole family together?

 

Maybe you could continue as you are until you have a certain amount of money socked away, or until a specific end date, at which time you'd move to be with your dh. (It would also give him time to make sure that his job is secure, and that the company doesn't just randomly fire people here and there, or whatever.) The big problem with that is being able to stick to the plan, because once you reach your goal of a certain amount of money, it's so easy to say that, "in a few more months, we'd have X more dollars, which would be even better," and when that time comes, you start thinking about how a little more money would make you feel more secure... and you never move.

 

The main advantages you have right now are that you don't have a house to sell, and you can stay exactly as you are until you're sure you know exactly what you want to do. Those are huge. You don't need to decide today or tomorrow, so take your time and talk with your dh, and weigh all of the alternatives carefully.

 

If it were me, I would live with my dh, but I'm looking at the situation from a position of never having had to worry about money, which makes it a whole lot more cut-and-dried for me. If I was worried about feeding my family, the decision wouldn't be so easy, because financial security is extremely important to me, so I understand why this is so difficult for you.

 

I wish I had a crystal ball to tell you what will be the best for you, but all I can do is send you a bunch of :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Just Kate]

I wish I had a crystal ball to tell you what will be the best for you, but all I can do is send you a bunch of :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

You don't??? What the heck is wrong with you!!! :D

 

(just kidding. well, sort of)

 

Dh is the type to just go along with what I say. He feels that it is really up to me (unfortunately that is how much of our marriage has gone...he leaves the hard stuff to me to take care of! - but that's another thread). He does say that he wants us to be with him, but he is also tired of worrying about money all the time.

[RanchGirl]

I think what I am hearing is that dh's job is not terribly secure, and that even while he does stay at the job, his income will fluctuate. I would be scared to death to uproot the kids, give up my income, move to a more expensive area and be completely relying on an unstable job/income 100%.

 

What does your dh say? Is he leaving this decision completely up to you? Is he confident he can provide for the family 100% now? To me, if he is not making this kind of statement, I would not be ready to give up the low cost of living and great pt income you have now.

 

BUT I also wouldn't want to give up homeschooling, and I would find a way to make it work with the part time job. Many people do this successfully (including me). It might involve a nanny with an online curriculum, a tutor type nanny, a relative helping out, etc. Maybe there is a PT school option locally (there is a 3 day a week Montessori school near where I live)?

 

What about hiring a bilingual nanny to play with them 3 days/week while you work, and then hs'ing academics on the other 2 weekdays plus Saturday?

[Just Kate]

I think what I am hearing is that dh's job is not terribly secure, and that even while he does stay at the job, his income will fluctuate. I would be scared to death to uproot the kids, give up my income, move to a more expensive area and be completely relying on an unstable job/income 100%.

 

What does your dh say? Is he leaving this decision completely up to you? Is he confident he can provide for the family 100% now? To me, if he is not making this kind of statement, I would not be ready to give up the low cost of living and great pt income you have now.

 

BUT I also wouldn't want to give up homeschooling, and I would find a way to make it work with the part time job. Many people do this successfully (including me). It might involve a nanny with an online curriculum, a tutor type nanny, a relative helping out, etc. Maybe there is a PT school option locally (there is a 3 day a week Montessori school near where I live)?

 

What about hiring a bilingual nanny to play with them 3 days/week while you work, and then hs'ing academics on the other 2 weekdays plus Saturday?

 

Well, his job is secure (at least as secure as a job can be!), but we are unsure of his income. He will be paid hourly and it will really depend on the hours worked. Since the company is new, we don't have any history to base our thoughts on. The plan is that he should work 12+ hours per day, and if that happened, life would be great! (well, not great, but fine) But the problem is that we don't know.

 

Finding someone to watch our kids in my home is a good idea. I'm trying to brainstorm about ideas like this.

[Catwoman]

Well, his job is secure (at least as secure as a job can be!), but we are unsure of his income. He will be paid hourly and it will really depend on the hours worked. Since the company is new, we don't have any history to base our thoughts on. The plan is that he should work 12+ hours per day, and if that happened, life would be great! (well, not great, but fine) But the problem is that we don't know.

 

Finding someone to watch our kids in my home is a good idea. I'm trying to brainstorm about ideas like this.

 

It's a real nuisance that he can't count on a certain number of hours each week. Even if he just had a minimum number that was guaranteed, it would make things a lot easier for you.

 

I'm sorry he's not more of a decision-maker. It can be nice to call the shots, but when it's a huge decision like this, it's also incredibly stressful -- and it's unfair to put that kind of burden on one person.

[Soror]

Well, it is easy to see why you cannot decide, it seems there are no great decision to make.

 

Personally I think I'd favor the plan of moving w/ him and then you commuting and staying w/ your mom on the days you work as you only work 3 days and he works 15 at a time. Getting a new rental in dh's new location and giving up your old one.

 

I'd go over the budget w/ a fine tooth comb though and save as much as possible and pay off as much debt as possible. I'd not want to continue living such a life without a reason for it.

 

I think your good to be cautious about the hrs. Dh's job is somewhat similar he works blue collar as well. He has generally worked a good amount of overtime(he's been there 17.5 yrs) but this year he is on track to make just a bit over half of what he made last year.

 

I would want dh to talk to his employers as well to see if he could get an idea of what is expected as far as hrs. Does his industry have peak and non-peak seasons? Is he guaranteed at least full-time? With dh we've also acted as though he worked 40 hrs and then saved extra money, invested in the house etc. If quitting at some point is your goal I'd make sure in this next year to get your bills done to a point you can sustain it on his normal expected income w/out overtime. Otherwise you are putting yourself in a position to end up in a really tough spot if things change.

 

Ideally I'd want all the debt paid off by the end of the year and at least a 3 month emergency fund. Fwiw I think Dave Ramsey's plan works well for a lot of people, maybe it is something to look into. Or look into some other part time employment in the new location after you quit to reach those goals if you cannot reach that goal within a year.

[trinchick]

From a business perspective, it sounds like your DH is in an industry that has resulted in the growth of "man camps" with lots of men following high-paying labor jobs and living pretty spartan lifestyles to send $$ home to families. Could you think of a business that would appeal to this market that you could do at home while you HS your kids? Maybe home-cooked meals that they could microwave? Laundry?

[momto2Cs]

Maybe you could continue as you are until you have a certain amount of money socked away, or until a specific end date, at which time you'd move to be with your dh. (It would also give him time to make sure that his job is secure, and that the company doesn't just randomly fire people here and there, or whatever.) The big problem with that is being able to stick to the plan, because once you reach your goal of a certain amount of money, it's so easy to say that, "in a few more months, we'd have X more dollars, which would be even better," and when that time comes, you start thinking about how a little more money would make you feel more secure... and you never move.

 

:iagree: I think this is solid advice. Keep going as you are for now. Put away as much money as possible. Make sure his hours are fairly stable/secure, THEN move. That also gives you time to consider more rentals, look for a part-time job there, etc.

[Scarlett]

:iagree: I think this is solid advice. Keep going as you are for now. Put away as much money as possible. Make sure his hours are fairly stable/secure, THEN move. That also gives you time to consider more rentals, look for a part-time job there, etc.

 

I think it needs to be pointed out that they have already been doing this for almost a year (August 2011 she said). Although I totally sympathize with her concerns about his lack of job stability over a long period of time (which seems to be his issue more than the actual economy) he is STILL her husband...and I believe families should be together whenever possible.

 

Of course, I may not be objective at the moment because my dh has been working 2 hours away (coming home on weekends) for 6 months. We are going insane. And his kids aren't even affected by it because they live with their mother....I can promise you if he had the chance to be with his kids everynight NOTHING could stop him.

[momto2Cs]

I think it needs to be pointed out that they have already been doing this for almost a year (August 2011 she said). Although I totally sympathize with her concerns about his lack of job stability over a long period of time (which seems to be his issue more than the actual economy) he is STILL her husband...and I believe families should be together whenever possible.

 

Of course, I may not be objective at the moment because my dh has been working 2 hours away (coming home on weekends) for 6 months. We are going insane. And his kids aren't even affected by it because they live with their mother....I can promise you if he had the chance to be with his kids everynight NOTHING could stop him.

 

Yes, I understand all that. However, since they HAVE been making it work, it might work for them a little longer.

 

Yes, it would be hard. I totally understand that. But under the circumstances, the op seems very unsure about the idea of moving to be with him at the moment, which is understandable given their financial picture.

 

Ideally, she'd be able to make money living with him, but that seems up in the air at the moment.

[anoncalhan]

Thank you so much. I know that it seems obvious that we should move to where dh is. I am almost embarrassed to admit that we have been living this way since August 2011 and it actually works for us! Gee, that's not good, is it?:tongue_smilie:

 

My husband works 4000 miles away sometimes he is gone for 3 or more months at a time. And it works for us also. It isn't something you should be embarrassed about. Some relationships grow stronger with this arrangement. We have been married 10 years and we are stronger now than ever before. He also gets months off at a time the last time he was gone for 3 months and home for 4 months. So in the end we get to spend 24/7 together for months which amounts to more than most couples spend together who actually see each other everyday.:001_smile: As for your problem no advice at all ;). I just had to share my two cents about living apart and it working.

[Just Kate]

Thank you so much. I know that it seems obvious that we should move to where dh is. I am almost embarrassed to admit that we have been living this way since August 2011 and it actually works for us! Gee, that's not good, is it?:tongue_smilie:

 

My husband works 4000 miles away sometimes he is gone for 3 or more months at a time. And it works for us also. It isn't something you should be embarrassed about. Some relationships grow stronger with this arrangement. We have been married 10 years and we are stronger now than ever before. He also gets months off at a time the last time he was gone for 3 months and home for 4 months. So in the end we get to spend 24/7 together for months which amounts to more than most couples spend together who actually see each other everyday.:001_smile: As for your problem no advice at all ;). I just had to share my two cents about living apart and it working.

 

 

Thank you. I appreciate you sharing a bit of your story with me. :grouphug:

 

As for my situation, I don't have an answer yet, but I think that dh and I will sit down and come up with our goals and then prioritize them (i.e. living together, homeschooling, having extra money in savings, etc.). Then we will come up with some time frame and work toward our goals. I do know for certain that I do not want to live this way indefinitely. However, if I have to do this for a specific amount of time while we work toward our goals, I think I can make it work.

 

Thank you to everyone who helped me think through things. All of your opinions/suggestions have helped!

[Soror]

As for my situation, I don't have an answer yet, but I think that dh and I will sit down and come up with our goals and then prioritize them (i.e. living together, homeschooling, having extra money in savings, etc.). Then we will come up with some time frame and work toward our goals.

 

With that in mind I'm sure you guys will come for the right decision for your family. Sometimes we just keep doing what we are doing without thinking really. It is good you have stopped to consider if you guys are working towards your goals and priorities in day to day living it is easy to lose sight of why we are doing what we are doing. I think it sounds like a great chance for you and your husband to draw closer with this experience, rather than further apart.

Edited June 6, 2012 by soror