A new guy in my dd's life is very religious

[happyhomemaker25]

To me it isn't that he is 29 and hasn't been married, to me that is perfectly normal. It is that he is 29 and she is 20.

Edited to add: 20 and if I understand correctly, has not lived away from home. I think a 20 yr. old could have a good head on her shoulders but the lack of life experience, if she has not lived away from home, IMO, is significant. From my experience those 10 years are incredibly formative.

 

I was 20 and my DH was 28 when we met. We were married almost 2 years later. I knew what I wanted. I quit dating guys my age because I was most interested in getting married and starting a family. They were not. I went from my parent's home to my marriage home. I do not regret one single thing. Well, apart from wishing I'd been better with our finances way back then. :) I have learned a lot in 11 years of marriage. I did have a lot of growing up to do, but our marriage is stronger because of it. Marriage did more to mature me than living a life totally devoted to me would have ever done. Just my couple of pennies.

[Audrey]

I had to look that up. I have never heard that term.

 

 

 

This is definitely one of the things that has me concerned.

 

 

 

I said that very thing to her. I can't imagine a pastor of any kind being married to someone who didn't want to go to church. I also told her that if she married him, she would be making a lifelong committment to his faith because it would hurt him, both personally and professionally, if she ever lost interest in religion.

 

 

 

First, she isn't sure what to think. She's very drawn to him because he's very attractive and they talk for hours without running out of things to say. She says she feels comfortable around him. She has never shown too much of an interest in religion. Her stepmom/dad forced her into communion and confirmation when she explicitly told them she didn't want to do it. She did help me teach VBS at my Baptist church and enjoyed being there, but she never attended services or an educational class of her own. Since meeting him, she's asking questions. I like that. I believe in God, but I have a different way of looking at things than most Christians I think.

 

The age difference does not bother any of us. I married her dad and he was 8 years older than me. There is an 11 year age difference between me and DH.

 

My misgivings are tied to his faith being such an integral part of his life, as I mentioned above. Why has he never married? Why isn't he involved with someone who shares his faith which would seem important to someone like a youth pastor? He mentors young adults.

 

She has a tendency to fall into whatever her boyfriend is into. When she dated someone who loved rock and roll, she loved rock and roll. When she dated someone who was vegetarian, she became a vegetarian but got tired of it after a while. When she dated someone who liked to play video games, she got very involved with video games. She doesn't have anything that is personally hers to share with someone else. She falls easily and gives her heart completely. She's been hurt, truly and deeply hurt, several times. She knows I see things differently from her because I'm older and I'm her mom, so she isn't quite convinced that these things are bad. I'm not saying they are bad but I wish she believed more in herself as a person and not feel so strong that she has to be part of a couple to be someone.

 

BTW, she does know I'm asking on the board about this. I'm not talking behind her back. :)

 

 

There are several big red flags in this post for me:

 

1 - as frugalmama mentioned "missionary dating" or even marrying is not uncommon. Some people see it as a great coup to snare a partner and convert them.

 

2 - her general disinterest in religion coupled with what you describe as a certain gullibility (into whatever her boyfriend is into), makes her prime pickings for someone who has ulterior motives.

 

3 - your concern about why, at his age, he is not already married or otherwise taken, is warranted. Quite honestly, he seems, from your descriptions here (and elsewhere in the thread) almost predatory in his behaviours. He sounds just a bit too slick to be genuine, IMO.

 

4 - you say she's been hurt in the past. I'm sorry to hear that, but if it were my child, that would make me even more concerned for her because, for many people, when they've been hurt, they will bend over backward not to let it happen again. That often involves being self-disingenuous just to please the other person. And, that leads to an awful lot of regret.

[shinyhappypeople]

I can't even imagine this! Every church I have ever been to discourages missionary dating.

 

Healthy churches discourage this practice. Groups like the ICC do this (btdt :tongue_smilie: - they love bomb like it's going out of style)

 

(ICC = International Churches of Christ / "Boston Church" - not to be confused with mainline Church of Christ denom.)

 

OP: make sure the church isn't affiliated with ICC. The witnessing stats creep me out. When I asked my "friend" about his church he said it was "non-denominational."

[mytwomonkeys]

well, i've not read all of the replies. i've never heard of missionary dating & there is certainly no biblical backing for it. sounds like a christianese way of doing whatever you please. as for your daughter, she's an adult. i would definitely serve as a sounding board for her and discuss your concerns but ultimately she's on her own.

[Night Elf]

Is it just me or did the last update about the surprise date seem suspicious?

 

Really? It seems like the most normal thing in the world to me. It could be as simple as sharing another nice restaurant with her like he did on their 2nd date.

 

I'm a cynical, skeptical person by nature, but I find it funny that so much suspicion is cast onto this guy because of the few facts we know so far. I originally posted because we were thrown off by the no kissing thing and knowing he works in a church. Because we are a non-religious family, we were wondering about that. Hearing other's ideas here is actually making some sense. For all we know, he just thinks it's too early to tell if they might end up as a couple. That is what dating is about. It *is* to early to tell. I only know of a couple of ways to date. One is regular dating where the two people go out and do things. The other is courtship. We're the regular dating kind of people.

 

Personally, I think it's sweet that he has something special in mind for today.

 

I know that very bad things happen to people all over our world. I've taught my dd all that I know about doing the right things and being safe. But she can't live in fear and never go out with anyone. People date. It's a normal thing.

[mytwomonkeys]

That is what dating is about. It *is* to early to tell. I only know of a couple of ways to date. One is regular dating where the two people go out and do things. The other is courtship. We're the regular dating kind of people.

 

Personally, I think it's sweet that he has something special in mind for today.

 

I know that very bad things happen to people all over our world. I've taught my dd all that I know about doing the right things and being safe. But she can't live in fear and never go out with anyone. People date. It's a normal thing.

 

i agree. and fwiw, i dated and kind of switched to a courting mindset when i was 24. i didn't even know it was called that though. basically, it meant i didn't want to waste my time. i began realizing i wanted to be married & if i couldn't picture someone with potential for that, i didn't pursue it. courting gets this bad stigma attached to it sometimes, but really, it doesn't mean you can't hold hands until the altar or must be engaged before you can pursue knowing each other (at least not by my definition). i had non-negotiables before i got married, as well as flexible ideals. for me, dating became intentional and i did it rarely. i met my husband at age 28, and only dated one person briefly and carefully before him. anyway, i have no idea what this young man is thinking. but i don't think he's weird for following his convictions & i find it nice that he shared these things about himself early on. it gives your daughter a lot of information that lets her know early where he stands & won't take her by surprise later.

Edited May 26, 2012 by mytwomonkeys

[chepyl]

After two dates, I just don't see as many red flags as others do. I would find a surprise date fairly romantic.I would day the first few months is just getting to know each other and becoming friends. But I was more slow to get serious. I have only ever kissed two men. One who I dated moat of my junior year and my husband.

 

I hope your daughter has a great time tonight and learns a little more about this man.

[Lymeade Mom]

My husband and I decided that kissing was something we wanted to wait until engagement for. It wasn't our church--it's just something we wanted to do. So, I think that's probably the case. But if the church is imposing that you might question it. Lots of things can be done in freedom or in legalism and look the same to an outsider.

 

But honestly, I would be concerned. I don't understand a youth pastor dating someone who is not very involved in church. My dh was a youth pastor for a while (of a small church) and for several reasons I stopped coming to church with him and went to our old church on Sunday mornings--some of it was it was a better time and I was having health problems. But anyway, the pastor DID NOT like that at all.

 

If they are looking at leading toward marriage and he's in ministry and she's not on the same page, it's likely to get messy.

[Karen in CO]

My niece met a nice, young man who was very involved in his church while they were both waiting tables. They became friends, and then they started dating. She started going to his church, and my sister was very concerned since his church is out on the fringes beyond mainstream. I bought her a Bible, told her to read it along with the church texts and make up her own mind. Three years later, they are still "dating" and still friends. He is 11 years older than her. She is still going to his church, which is now hers too. She's finally decided what she wants to do with her life and is in college full-time along with working full-time. He's still waiting tables. Despite all of our concern, he has been very good for her. I don't know where their relationship will end, but we're all happy with where she is currently headed - she'd been kind of lost since she graduated high school.

 

I'd keep an eye on her and watch for problems, just like in any relationship. There is always danger for young people. Be there for her and keep an open mind. It is hard launching into life after high school that includes relationships, religion, and career.

[Joanne]

Really? It seems like the most normal thing in the world to me. It could be as simple as sharing another nice restaurant with her like he did on their 2nd date.

 

I'm a cynical, skeptical person by nature, but I find it funny that so much suspicion is cast onto this guy because of the few facts we know so far. I originally posted because we were thrown off by the no kissing thing and knowing he works in a church. Because we are a non-religious family, we were wondering about that. Hearing other's ideas here is actually making some sense. For all we know, he just thinks it's too early to tell if they might end up as a couple. That is what dating is about. It *is* to early to tell. I only know of a couple of ways to date. One is regular dating where the two people go out and do things. The other is courtship. We're the regular dating kind of people.

 

Personally, I think it's sweet that he has something special in mind for today.

 

I know that very bad things happen to people all over our world. I've taught my dd all that I know about doing the right things and being safe. But she can't live in fear and never go out with anyone. People date. It's a normal thing.

 

Beth, you know me on this issue. I am totally in support of dating and not "courting". I am not a sheltering mom, and I fully expect my kids to date as young adults (or before).

 

But *this* situation and guy seem wonky. For example, if it IS so early, why the rush to involve significant adults and family members? Just saying.

[gardenmom5]

he hasn't come across as someone controlling.

 

She doesn't yet sense anything from him about him trying to push his religion onto her.

controlling people NEVER come across as controlling until the relationship is well established. (like fishing - you play the fish until it is good and hooked, and worn out so you can control it and reel it in.) My gut sense is screaming "beware". I dated one of those types when I was in high school, they can be extremely charming and clean cut, but they are full of lies that only the totally skeptical catch early.

 

For me, the big red flag is what you found on the çhurch website. Salvation stats? On a public website? It just makes the "missionary dating" scenario more probable. I could be totally wrong and would be open to the relationship happening but my eyes would be wide open about it. He does sound like a nice guy otherwise.

 

The dating outside his faith is weird when he's a pastor. That is also flag-worthy.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

3) Lastly, this just seems like a wolf-in-sheep's-clothing sort of thing. I have known several guys who look great on paper, but were really complete phonies. They spoke out of both sides of their mouths and looked like great guys, but really only wanted ONE THING.

 

My advice would be really check out his church and what he believes, because regardless of what people say, they live what they actually believe.

 

:iagree: and re: above where I dated a guy like this. and don't believe everything he says "just because" he seems like a nice guy- he could be feeding her a load of baloney.

I know this might seem weird but have you (OP) been able to verify any of these things: he actually works at the church he says he does and if he really has worked at this restaurant for 5 years? I guess I have been burned one too many times by liars to believe this because some things seem too good to be true and other things seem strange (to me) but might not seem strange to a younger girl.

:iagree: - I dated one of these "charmers" - they leave alot of heartbreak in their wake. verify what he's told her - and do check out his churches website - those "salvation stats" are too weird.

[OnTheBrink]

I hope your former FIL is sitting in prison if he's a pedophile.

 

 

He is not. Without going into all the details as to what happened, let's just say a whole lot of naive, gullible, good-hearted people had no idea what they were dealing with and he was not prosecuted. My dd is not allowed around him. He lives in another state, so he's not a part of our lives, anyway.

[Nestof3]

I am very familiar with people drawing lines in the physical realm -- even there. It's very common in very conservative Christianity; and no, it's not freakish.

 

I admit I am confused because I have only ever experienced people with deep religious convictions looking for similar partners. Perhaps he's just putting his feelers out to see if they are compatible.

[Trish]

What has he been doing for the past eight years?

[8circles]

I doubt there's anything to fear. The guy has worked in the same restaurant for the past 5 years, so it's not like he's some sort of weird drifter dude. Also, he knows she's close to her family, so if he was some nut looking for a victim, he would probably choose a woman who didn't have any family living in the area, and who had very few friends.

 

The more I read the updates the more concerned I get. The thing is, you don't really *know he's worked at that restaurant for 5 years, do you? I have no problem with dating but I feel like your dd might not know him well enough to let him take her to a "surprise place" at this point.

 

I don't know. Something doesn't smell right.

[TranquilMind]

I have some questions for the op and for those that seem highly suspicious of the young man in question.

 

1. What if this man is completely honorable? If he's sincere, what harm is being done?

 

2. What if the young man has learned from others and from his own experience that physical contact with the opposite sex causes distractions when it comes to really getting to know someone? So what if he wants to save kissing and sex for the "right" woman? I'd love to have someone with those values date MY daughter!

 

3. And what if this young man sees good things in your dd and wants to get to know her, really get to know her? If he shows her respect by being a complete gentleman when they are together, what is suspect about that?

 

5. What if he feels led by the Holy Spirit to get to know her either as a friend or a potential life mate? It seems to me that if that is the case, then everything will take care of itself and no one will need to worry.

 

Good heavens, I would think that a 20 yo woman is old enough to decide for herself what spirituality she wants to embrace or not embrace. Let her figure this out for herself!

 

Finally, you may want to know that there is a growing movement among Christian young people that has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with denominations or church affiliation that encourages abstinence until marriage. There was a book written by Josh Harris called "I Kissed Dating Goodbye", and it has had a big influence on young people that see the damage premarital sex and promiscuity have caused to countless people. This growing movement is striving to follow the guidelines taught in the Bible about remaining pure. I personally feel that this younger generation is doing a whole lot better job of that than my own generation did! I admire and respect them completely.

 

Blessings,

Lucinda

 

I only wish my daughter -when the time is right - would find such a paragon as you describe above. I know from sad, hard experience myself that the other way does not work out well.

 

I married a man who had made these decisions from watching the wreckage of the lives of his siblings and some cousins. We've been happy together for 25 years.

[TranquilMind]

What has he been doing for the past eight years?

 

That is a good question! I forgot that he was 29. Yes, all parts of his life should be verifiable and above-board which she can find out.

[TranquilMind]

Night Elf: Really? It seems like the most normal thing in the world to me. It could be as simple as sharing another nice restaurant with her like he did on their 2nd date.

 

I'm a cynical, skeptical person by nature, but I find it funny that so much suspicion is cast onto this guy because of the few facts we know so far.

 

Me too. Based on experience, I'm as suspicious as they come, and I verify EVERYTHING, but I still don't think there is evidence from what I've read so far to think this guy is a problem so far.

[TranquilMind]

Joanne:I read the first 10 pages.

 

I'm concerned. There is a constellation of issues - it is not *one* thing on the following list but the whole list that elevates this to "quite concerned" for me.

 

Predators (and I use this broadly, to include aggressive evangelists, abusive/power/control, sexual) are often charming, good looking, and in professions that put them in contact with a lot of people.

 

Here's my list of concerns:

 

 

1. The no kissing thing could be legalistic, cultish. It is *extra* Biblical at minimum.

 

 

Or, it could be completely a personal decision, based on getting emotionally involved with women who didn't really care about him in the past. Maybe he is trying something new because what he did before didn't work.

 

 

29, never married

 

 

That's pretty common for 29 year old men to be unmarried today. People are marrying well into their thirties now. That alone is not odd. I will tell you that my husband does have a theory that all men should be married by 25 though, because afterward, they are too set in their ways. Not sure if he's right.

 

 

29, pursuing a 20 year old.

 

That doesn't bother me. Gee, I dated men in their 40's at that age...now THAT was stupid. I was dumb enough to think, "I must be SO mature" rather than, "What a perv".

 

 

 

1. 2. His job. I'd need to know more but the job(s) would = area in need of history.

   3. The rush to meeting parents, and the accelerated pace of the relationship.

   4. The above item, minus the typical physical affection is a concern.

   5. All of these things AND he's an unmarried 29 year old youth pastor?

   6. His knowing pursuit of a non born again.

   7. The fact that she is a relationship chameleon and he's in serious pursuit.

    

   Is he in "serious" pursuit? I just picked up the idea that he likes her and that they are dating, so far.

   [*]

   [*]

   [*]However, I fully admit that I find some brands of conservative Christianity to be harmful. I personally find the "no kissing" thing to be icky and unnatural. I'm concerned that he seems "normal enough" that anything just over the line will be normalized and the beginning of the power/control cycle will initiate.

   [*]

   [*]

   Your bias could be speaking here then.

    

    

[TranquilMind]

It is the only dating life most of us have. :D

 

LOL. Yes!

[Renthead Mommy]

While I don't have a huge problem with the age gap, I do have some of a problem with it. If she were a young college grad at 20 and he is 29, then that doesn't bother me too much. But isn't your daughter the one that just finished hs at 20?

 

To me that is an issue. She's a recent high school grad, still living at home, no college out in the world experience and he's almost 30. That I think is an issue.

 

Would those of you that say you don't have a problem with the age gap have an issue with it if she was a recent 17 or 18 year old hs grad and him almost 30?

 

If I've confused your daughter with someone else I apologize.

[Marylou]

I'm surprised this surprises you. I can't see why this question would even come up. It's not something I ever ask people. He obviously doesn't know where she is from because they obviously didn't talk about it. Anyway, surely there are many things that haven't yet come up. They've only talked a few times and gotten together twice.

 

I haven't read the book you've mentioned but I have a feeling it's something religious. My dd20 has been dating for a while now. Going out alone with a boy isn't new. I do acknowledge your concern though. We don't do the whole courtship thing so it's not like I can send a chaperone with them. The concept is very odd indeed to be honest, especially as she is an adult now.

 

 

Maybe I just watch too much America's Most Wanted :D

 

To the TV news interviewer: "Oh, he/she was such a great neighbor, never said a bad word to anyone, kept to him/herself. I just can't BELIEVE he/she did ____________!"

 

I wasn't suggesting a chaperone, but how about a double date with one of her friends, at least until she knows more about his life story?

 

If they are going to hit it off and become a couple, I would think there would be plenty of time in the future to do "suprise" dates. I guess if you have a GPS connection with her somehow you can choose not to worry. But I think I would be pacing the floor until she arrived back home.

 

If they don't even know where the other comes from (and that's fine at this stage), how does he know enough about her to choose a suprise date that she will enjoy?

[Catwoman]

I was going to type a long, detailed post, but TranquilMind has already said everything I wanted to say, and probably a lot better than I would have.

 

I am amazed at the idea that anyone would think a 20 year old should still be doing group dating. :confused: I also have no clue as to why a surprise date would be a red flag to anyone. When i was young and dating, I knew the guy was picking me up at a certain time, but I often didn't know exactly where we would be having dinner or what club we might be going to afterward. Personally, I think it's charming that the guy wants to do something special for Beth's dd.

 

I'm starting to wonder if I lived in a different world than many of the people here, because when we were 20, we we're meeting guys in bars and nightclubs -- and the idea of a 20yo dating a 29yo was a complete non-issue. Most of the guys I knew didn't get married until they were in their 30's, so a single 29yo would have been considered perfectly normal, too. In my odd little world, the only weird things about the guy would have been the no-kissing thing and the idea that he was a youth pastor. (We would have viewed a youth pastor as a bit of a goody-two-shoes. :tongue_smilie: We probably would have been wrong, but nobody we knew was any type of church employee, so we would have been picturning the guy wearing a halo or something!)

Edited May 26, 2012 by Catwoman
Sorry about the typos -- I'm on my iPad again and it has a mind of its own!

[Marylou]

Well, we're all different. I don't think double dating is the same as "group dating".

 

And times have changed over the years.

 

Never even heard of people putting stuff in others' drinks when I was her age.

[Susan in TN]

As for the no kissing thing, I had never heard of this until I talked with friends at our church who had never kissed until married. They aren't overly religious, they were simply taught that kissing is not really necessary to get to know a person and whether or not you would like to marry them. But it might cause physical/other feelings that might sway you towards someone who is not necessarily a good match. They've been married over 25 years now. It's not typical in our culture, but I wouldn't be too concerned over that issue.

 

If they get along well and can talk for hours, I'd say that's a pretty good start. Give it some time. If he seems to be a pretty straight up, honorable guy, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.

[Night Elf]

Tell her to have fun, but more importantly, remind her that we want DETAILS! :D

 

She had a very lovely day! His surprise was this awesome cafe overlooking a river. It had a deck with rocking chairs. There was a wide lawn near the river where people were sitting on blankets and just hanging out. After that, they went out and had sushi. Then they went to Starbucks where they talked for another couple of hours. She was home by 8:30pm. On Monday, he's hoping to get some friends together to go white water rafting, so it will be a group thing.

 

But *this* situation and guy seem wonky. For example, if it IS so early, why the rush to involve significant adults and family members? Just saying.

 

Are you referring to his having dinner with her family? Her dad told her to extend an invitation. They were already eating out and just invited him to tag along if he wanted. They had a nice time. After that, the folks went home and she and the guy went to a movie. It was a date in that thought but it wasn't anything specifically planned out by any of them.

 

And not specifically to Joanne, but to anyone interested, she learned more about the 'no kissing' thing. It is a personal decision of his and has nothing to do with his church. He told her he feels like kissing is for couples and he thought it was better that they focus on friendship and getting to know each other better for right now. So those of you who guessed that seemed to hit the mark. She said they talked religion a little bit and she found it really interesting. She said it was very low key.

[catz]

 

I'm starting to wonder if I lived in a different world than many of the people here, because when we were 20, we we're meeting guys in bars and nightclubs -- and the idea of a 20yo dating a 29yo was a complete non-issue. Most of the guys I knew didn't get married until they were in their 30's, so a single 29yo would have been considered perfectly normal, too. In my odd little world, the only weird things about the guy would have been the no-kissing thing and the idea that he was a youth pastor. (We would have viewed a youth pastor as a bit of a goody-two-shoes. :tongue_smilie: We probably would have been wrong, but nobody we knew was any type of church employee, so we would have been picturning the guy wearing a halo or something!)

 

:lol: I think I lived in your world too.

[ssavings]

I'm starting to wonder if I lived in a different world than many of the people here, because when we were 20, we we're meeting guys in bars and nightclubs -- and the idea of a 20yo dating a 29yo was a complete non-issue. Most of the guys I knew didn't get married until they were in their 30's, so a single 29yo would have been considered perfectly normal, too. In my odd little world, the only weird things about the guy would have been the no-kissing thing and the idea that he was a youth pastor. (We would have viewed a youth pastor as a bit of a goody-two-shoes. :tongue_smilie: We probably would have been wrong, but nobody we knew was any type of church employee, so we would have been picturning the guy wearing a halo or something!)

 

DH's world was similar to yours. All his friends are unmarried at 29-ish (except him).

My world was opposite. Most people I know were married by 22-ish.

[Catwoman]

:lol: I think I lived in your world too.

 

it was fun, wasn't it? :D

[Night Elf]

To me that is an issue. She's a recent high school grad, still living at home, no college out in the world experience and he's almost 30. That I think is an issue.

 

She did just finish but that's because she was spending more time working than focusing on school. She's worked full time since she was 17 years old. Although she hasn't been able to move out, she's been financially independent for everything she does, all things car related, entertainment, cell phone, eating out, clothes, and all little personal things. I don't think she is sheltered at all. She's been exposed to all kinds of craziness with the young people she knows. Mostly, many of them like to party hard and she isn't interested in those things.

[Catwoman]

Tell her I said thanks for the details. :D

 

He sounds like a nice guy, and I particularly like it that he's trying to plan special dates.

[swellmomma]

She had a very lovely day! His surprise was this awesome cafe overlooking a river. It had a deck with rocking chairs. There was a wide lawn near the river where people were sitting on blankets and just hanging out. After that, they went out and had sushi. Then they went to Starbucks where they talked for another couple of hours. She was home by 8:30pm. On Monday, he's hoping to get some friends together to go white water rafting, so it will be a group thing.

 

 

 

Are you referring to his having dinner with her family? Her dad told her to extend an invitation. They were already eating out and just invited him to tag along if he wanted. They had a nice time. After that, the folks went home and she and the guy went to a movie. It was a date in that thought but it wasn't anything specifically planned out by any of them.

 

And not specifically to Joanne, but to anyone interested, she learned more about the 'no kissing' thing. It is a personal decision of his and has nothing to do with his church. He told her he feels like kissing is for couples and he thought it was better that they focus on friendship and getting to know each other better for right now. So those of you who guessed that seemed to hit the mark. She said they talked religion a little bit and she found it really interesting. She said it was very low key.

 

I am liking this guy more and more despite everyone else's warning bells going off :tongue_smilie:

[Prairie~Phlox]

Good for her for having a good time. I can't believe all of the negativity of some people.

[Catwoman]

I am liking this guy more and more despite everyone else's warning bells going off :tongue_smilie:

 

When I was 20, most of the guys I liked would have had a lot of people's warning bells going off, and red flags would have been flying all over the place. That's what made them fun. :D

[StephanieZ]

FWIW, this may come across very wrong, but I have to throw it out there b/c I've seen it several times . . .

 

. . . very evangelical young men who "missionary date" . . . but resist physical intimacy very strongly . . . and ultimately accept that . . . they are gay.

 

Just a thought.

[TranquilMind]

When I was 20, most of the guys I liked would have had a lot of people's warning bells going off, and red flags would have been flying all over the place. That's what made them fun. :D

 

This made me laugh.

 

Ya'll would cringe if you saw some of the men/boys I dated through the early years.

 

I learned.

[Scarlett]

FWIW, this may come across very wrong, but I have to throw it out there b/c I've seen it several times . . .

 

. . . very evangelical young men who "missionary date" . . . but resist physical intimacy very strongly . . . and ultimately accept that . . . they are gay.

 

Just a thought.

 

The gay thing crossed my mind too but then I think, good grief, a young man tries to have some standards outside the 'norm' and people accuse him of being gay.

 

I have read most of the thread and I have to say that he sounds like a good young man....and your dd a good girl. The age difference isn't so big of a deal to me BUT if he is religious and she is not they may have a very difficult road ahead. I think non religious people just sometimes don't understand how important religion can be to another person. And religious people can't help but think that the non religous person will 'see the light.' ( I just realized I spelled religious 3 different ways in 2 sentences, so take yer pick. :tongue_smilie:)

 

In my case, my now XH was 19 years old when he married me. He converted before the wedding----I see now he just saw it as a 'step' to get the girl. I had no clue someone could view religion in that way--trivial to me. However, if she is clear about her feelings and he is clear about his and his expectation....they may be perfectly happy.At 29 at least he probably knows how he feels about life and such. I worry more about your dd being blown any which way the wind blows....typical for her age, but a good reason not to make life long committments at this stage.

[snickelfritz]

The gay thing crossed my mind too but then I think, good grief, a young man tries to have some standards outside the 'norm' and people accuse him of being gay.

 

I have read most of the thread and I have to say that he sounds like a good young man....and your dd a good girl. The age difference isn't so big of a deal to me BUT if he is religious and she is not they may have a very difficult road ahead. I think non religious people just sometimes don't understand how important religion can be to another person. And religious people can't help but think that the non religous person will 'see the light.' ( I just realized I spelled religious 3 different ways in 2 sentences, so take yer pick. :tongue_smilie:)

.

 

:iagree: Except, being gay never occurred to me.

 

I haven't seen all the warning bells of other people. I guess I know a lot of happily married people with big age differences. Even when one was very young, in fact, all of them had the younger spouse at college age. (In one case SHE is 10 years older than HIM.)

 

BUT...

 

The religious people I know are looking for "being evenly yoked" in their spouse. It's a big deal. And I'm not coming from a courtship church. Mainstream, though conservative, with dating and youth groups. But dating unbelievers is heavily frowned on. I don't know if her being willing to listen means she's neutral about his religion??? But, he is possibly pinning lots of hope on her being open to converting. If at some point, she is clearly against it, I would expect him to break things off.

Edited May 28, 2012 by snickelfritz

[Scuff]

FWIW, this may come across very wrong, but I have to throw it out there b/c I've seen it several times . . .

 

. . . very evangelical young men who "missionary date" . . . but resist physical intimacy very strongly . . . and ultimately accept that . . . they are gay.

 

Just a thought.

 

I've known several couples who saved their kiss for the wedding day and they all were very happy to kiss their wives after that. ;)