Marie in Oh Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 and your mother didn't know. :blush: Yes, I know it is terrible, but my mother isn't the most supportive of our lifestyle. She hasn't been known to say the kindest things when being told of a new baby. In fact, when I told her I was pregnant with #2 she said, "oh no." Number 2? :001_huh: So, we waited til the ultrasound so that if it was a boy, she would perceive it as better news. Well, if you saw my other post, it is indeed a boy, so, if you were in my shoes, how would you tell your mom? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~Tara~ Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 ha! um I sent my mom an email with his pic the day after he was born.."Happy Mother's Day..a day late" I'm no help, sorry :p Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lori in tx Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 ha!um I sent my mom an email with his pic the day after he was born.."Happy Mother's Day..a day late" I'm no help, sorry :p LOLOL that is great! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa at Home Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 By the way, my fil gave us the same response for our number two. :confused: I just don't get it? Anyway, if not telling her will give you some peace and quiet, and make the pregnancy more peaceful, I would not tell her. How far away from you does she live? ~Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3lilreds in NC Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Well, I was going to say that you should have your dh tell her, but then I realized that it's YOUR mom who is the stinker. Hmmm. Maybe send her a copy of the ultrasound picture? Tell her if she can't be happy to just be quiet?:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cin Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 i was thinking the same thing. Just don't tell her. Send her a birth announcement, along wiht everybody else's. If she gets snitty, tell her you didn't want her attitude putting a damper on your happy time. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5wolfcubs Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 I'm 19 weeks and haven't told any family members (including our children!). At first it was because I'd had a recent miscarriage, then it was because my brother & sil announced they were expecting #1 and we didn't want to take away from that excitement, now I'm concerned about the baby's development (haven't called midwife yet either)... :lurk5: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just a Jen in Mississippi Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 I did the same thing when I was expecting our fourth. My mom and I had had a discussion after my devastating miscarriage that I would try again for a 4th baby. I already had three girls and she expressed her concern that big families were bad (she has 6 siblings). She was so disappointed that I would try again. Anyway, I just knew that God was giving us a boy so I did like you and waited until my ultrasound. I called her that evening at 18 weeks to let her know that #1 I was pregnant and #2 It's a boy. She was pretty quiet. She barely spoke to me for the remainder of my pregnancy. She did show up at the end (we lived about 7 hours away from each other at the time). When he was born, she wanted something to do with him and it was honestly hard for me to even let her hold him. In fact, my dh ended up telling her that she could go home, that we were managing fine (she came for the birth). Fast forward three years, we have a very good relationship and she adores all four of my children. In fact, she's coming for a visit next week. She seems like she has tempered down her opinions and probably realizes that we are going to do what we want to do, with or without her, and she doesn't want to miss out on her only grandchildren. It was a painful thing to go through, not having her support, but oh the joy this little fellow has brought us! I'm excited for you! I pray that all goes well between you and your mother.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just a Jen in Mississippi Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 I'm 19 weeks and haven't told any family members (including our children!). At first it was because I'd had a recent miscarriage, then it was because my brother & sil announced they were expecting #1 and we didn't want to take away from that excitement, now I'm concerned about the baby's development (haven't called midwife yet either)...:lurk5: :grouphug: Praying for you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Book Crazy Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 My mom lives in the UK and we sent her the birth announcement from the paper. We lived about 5 miles from MIL and dh did not tell her until I was about 7 months, he was afraid to. So I say, when ever you want to. Wait till the child is a year old and maybe they won't notice another one. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*anj* Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Just don't tell her. Send her a birth announcement, along wiht everybody else's. If she gets snitty, tell her you didn't want her attitude putting a damper on your happy time. :D That's kind of what I was thinking too. I mean, if you are reasonably sure that she will chide you and lecture you then just don't say anything. You're in a tough position because since you expect her to disapprove you're already at a disadvantage. If you call and tell her now it'll kind of be like you're 15 again and even if you say "This is our choice, if you can't share our joy please keep your opinions to yourself" you'll still be on the defensive, which makes her the "adult" and you the "child" in the situation. That's not good. I do think that your dh should tell her. You are one now. I know that conventional wisdom says that each spouse should deal with their own parents, but I think this is an extenuating circumstance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brindee Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 :grouphug: I am praying for you! FWIW, I am very excited and happy for you! :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 I'm so sad for all of you who have such problems with parents and in-laws. Really, I'm sitting here so burdened for you! I was just re-reading an old journal of mine, where I wrote about wanting desperately for my father to come to see my first-born son--he and my mom lived about 15 hours away at that point. My mom came for the first few days, but Dad didn't. He saw a picture of my son and cried. But I wanted him to BE there. Now, please know he's a great Dad, a wonderful Grampa, and both my folks are very, very supportive--not at all like your situation (collective you). I can't imagine your situation, and I have to say, I feel really blessed right now. OP, Is there a way to keep offering grace to your mom, and just tell her, gently and without expectations? It's hard when you want someone to rejoice with you, and they only offer something sour. Maybe my advice is worthless, because I can't come from your experience, but I say, tell her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie in Oh Posted June 20, 2008 Author Share Posted June 20, 2008 I think I have to tell her since she is planning to visit this summer. When I told her about #6 I said, "I have something to tell you that you won't be happy about, so I would appreciate it if you would just keep your opinions to yourself." Her answer was, "Well, I hope it is a boy." That is it. No congrats, nothing. It wasn't a boy. She still loves the baby. She is just a critical person. She often doesn't even realize it. Oh my. I looked last night to see if there was a greeting card that said, Mom, I am twenty one weeks pregnant with my seventh child, but there just wasn't one. ;) Thanks for the encouragement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Call when you know she isn't home and leave her a message telling her that you're pregnant and she's not to call or say anything unless she has something nice to say. I think I'd tell her just to avoid a nasty confrontation when she does find out, like maybe running into you at the grocery store or something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TraceyS/FL Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 I had to tell mine when i was ordering the dress for my brothers wedding...... she/they were shocked. ::hug:: and, CONGRATS!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quiver0f10 Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 The longest I waited was 28 weeks with my 9th. My dad had called and I casually told him. I don't know if my mom even knows we have 10 kids LOL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenpatty Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 I think I have to tell her since she is planning to visit this summer. When I told her about #6 I said, "I have something to tell you that you won't be happy about, so I would appreciate it if you would just keep your opinions to yourself." Her answer was, "Well, I hope it is a boy." That is it. No congrats, nothing. It wasn't a boy. She still loves the baby. She is just a critical person. She often doesn't even realize it. Oh my. I looked last night to see if there was a greeting card that said, Mom, I am twenty one weeks pregnant with my seventh child, but there just wasn't one. ;) Thanks for the encouragement. My MIL is a lot like this. When we were expecting #6, I just couldn't bring myself to tell her. She lives about 2 hours away, and while visiting her very early in the pregnancy, one of my other children let the cat out of the bag. She said she already knew it. I asked how she knew it. She replied, "because you've gotten fat!" And phooey on her, I hadn't gained any weight yet besides! It makes me so sad. I understand how you feel. I think I would let her know ahead of time, maybe with a card or something, just to avoid a possible explosion after the baby is born. ? :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rwalizer Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Does she have to support your kids? Then why can't she just be happy for you and supportive? I'm sorry, I know it sounds a little snippy, but it just gets under my skin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharon in SC Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 This thread reminds me of a dear friend who is a mother of 5. When she called to tell her mom about #5 saying, "I need to tell you something", her mom responded with, "If you're about to tell me you're pregnant, I'm moving to Australia." My friend responded with, "Well, g'day, Mate". LOL FWIW, I vote for telling your mom. It is OK to tell her in as safe a mode as possible (card, letter, phone message, etc). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClassicMom Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 So I say, when ever you want to. Wait till the child is a year old and maybe they won't notice another one. :D :lol: so much more supportive of our lifestyles? Not only would it give us a peace of mind, but we could share so much more with them. They would be able to really enjoy us AND our children! They are the ones missing out! My parents don't even really know my children. They have made no effort to even try every since we decided to homeschool. And THEN I got preg. with #3 when #2 was only five months old! Yea, we waited awhile to tell them about that one. When I called my mom for support when I almost miscarried the last one, she told me it was probably the best thing for everyone. YEEKS! Big hugs for you. :grouphug: There are so many here that can relate to what you are going through. Personally, I'd wait and send a card with the ultrasound as others have mentioned. Those phone calls get too personal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs. H. Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 My mom (grandmothers, too) were always critical when I would tell them I was pregnant. Dh loves telling people we are pregnant (AGAIN!), and he keeps his cool and is much wittier than I, so I started letting him do it. After they knew, if they tried to say something negative or critical to me later, I would just say, "Sorry, I'm not accepting criticism today." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 and your mother didn't know. :blush: Yes, I know it is terrible, but my mother isn't the most supportive of our lifestyle. She hasn't been known to say the kindest things when being told of a new baby. In fact, when I told her I was pregnant with #2 she said, "oh no." Number 2? :001_huh: So, we waited til the ultrasound so that if it was a boy, she would perceive it as better news. Well, if you saw my other post, it is indeed a boy, so, if you were in my shoes, how would you tell your mom? Do you have a health-ish relationship otherwise? If she's not actually toxic, then I would tell her and get it over with. She is your mom, and I know mine would be deeply hurt if I sent her an announcement afterward or didn't give her much advance notice. My mom thinks I'm crazy, and wanted me to stop after 2--her main reason was that "it just can't be good for your body". But she's not actually toxic and I don't let her comments bother me (if anything, they reinforce the decisions we've made because they bring out the qualities in her that I know I don't want to emulate, if that makes any sense). She's very pleased we haven't had a 6th, but disapproves when I say it's not totally out of the question. Now, with #4 I did wait until I was about 5-6 months along to tell her (when she came to visit), but that was mainly because of a ton of other stuff going on in my life and had nothing to do with her (we didn't tell anyone). About how would I tell her? Could you send her a small balloon bouquet with a "Congrats, It's a Boy" card? This way would let her know it's a boy right away, and it wouldn't be in person so she would have time to react negatively on her own time, and the balloons/flowers might remind her the baby is actually a blessing before she opens her mouth to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kelli in TN Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 With our last two we held off until quite late in the pregnancy. I can't remember how late. We told my people, but not dh's people. They had nasty comments to make when we announced the first four pregnancies, so I figured they would be better off being spared the stress of having to deal with the fact that we were pregnant with #5 and #6. It was hard on dh. He wanted to tell because he is so used to his family. But their caustic comments hurt me time and time again. He just always shrugs and says "They mean well" but I wasn't so sure. But there was a lot of other baggage there too. I'd have gladly waited until after the birth to announce it to them but dh would never go along with that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holly IN Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 If I was in that situation then I would send her a card with the picture and say congratulations in becoming a grandma again. I would also add a comment such as adding another member to our wonderful family tree!! Just something I would say...that way I do not have to face her and see what she would do. The card in the mail with positive comments and then wait until she calls. (and PRAY!!) Holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*anj* Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Recently I attended a homeschool convention and one of the speakers (a man) shared that his wife's family became increasingly hostile with each additional child. Eventually when they complained to her she'd just refer them to her husband. She would say "If you have a problem with our decision, take it to my husband." Well after the announcement of the sixth pregnancy someone from her family gave her dh a huge (whole body sized) condom for Christmas. They told him to get the hint. Talk about nervy, eh? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Let your hubby tell her and remind her to congratulate not castigate the expectant momma. Congratulations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharon H in IL Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 So I say, when ever you want to. Wait till the child is a year old and maybe they won't notice another one. :D :lol: I'm snorting out my soda, here. Too funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue G in PA Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 I'm 19 weeks and haven't told any family members (including our children!). At first it was because I'd had a recent miscarriage, then it was because my brother & sil announced they were expecting #1 and we didn't want to take away from that excitement, now I'm concerned about the baby's development (haven't called midwife yet either)...:lurk5: Lee, is everything okay (sorry to hijack this thread!)? I'm praying for you. Have you posted about this before and I missed it? Just concerned! Oh, and Marie, we didn't tell my MIL until we had to. We were going to see her at my dh's grandmother's 90th bday party and knew we'd see his mom (obviously) so we wanted her to know ahead of time as not to cause a scene...because she would make one! My kids slipped and told my mom! It was rather funny to see the look on her face when it sunk in! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brenda in FL Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 When I called my mom for support when I almost miscarried the last one, she told me it was probably the best thing for everyone. YEEKS! That's just so awful - I am so sorry that you had to hear that from your mother. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kate CA Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 I think I have to tell her since she is planning to visit this summer. When I told her about #6 I said, "I have something to tell you that you won't be happy about, so I would appreciate it if you would just keep your opinions to yourself." Her answer was, "Well, I hope it is a boy." That is it. No congrats, nothing. It wasn't a boy. She still loves the baby. She is just a critical person. She often doesn't even realize it. Oh my. I looked last night to see if there was a greeting card that said, Mom, I am twenty one weeks pregnant with my seventh child, but there just wasn't one. ;) Thanks for the encouragement. All I can say is *don't* tell her via email. It opened me up to a horrible response that was extremely painful. Things are so different now that it does not bother me to think about it anymore, but I would never share that kind of news via email ever again. I think if I had to do it over I would have called and done it. I don't keep things like that to myself and frequently tell folks very early on. To me I would have rather gotten it out of the way as our family would not have harped on it the whole pregnancy. What are they going to do - the deed is done! :) You know even some big family-advocate grandmas still worry over their daughter's continuing pregnancies. I remember hearing about Elizabeth Elliot and her concern over her daughter's situation. She had many young ones and was pregnant again. She could rejoice because she knew the life was given from God, but she still had her mother hat on and was concerned for her daughter. I think it is natural for our moms to worry. I worry about my own children and they are far from being pregnant! :tongue_smilie: I know we are not supposed to worry - "Be anxious for nothing..." but it is still a struggle. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
battlemaiden Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Marie! I missed your other post. Yippee! Your son doesn't need to move to the woods. Yippee! I'm so thrilled for you and your son and your whole family- okay...I was already thrilled, but I know you were hoping for some balance to the family force and I'm just beaming for you. As for the mom- I completely understand. My mom has gritted her teeth through every announcement after the second- although she doesn't sound quite so outspoken as yours, I completely understand. It's easy to say "it's your family, what do you care?" But I cared a whole heck of a lot. I was a nervous ninny the day we called. As a matter of fact I let my oldest son tell her- they have a great relationship. How's that for chicken? Yeah I would tell her, it will only get more awkward as time goes by. Big hugs from me. It won't matter years from now, but I know it will be hard on the day of the announcement. Jo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie in Oh Posted June 20, 2008 Author Share Posted June 20, 2008 and called my mom. I was encourage when she answered the phone and seemed in a good mood. She told me all about my neice having her baby this week. So, we were on the topic. I just said that we had some news, hoped she would think it was good, and that our oldest ds was finally getting a little brother. She seemed genuinely happy. She said that one more was probably good, especailly if it was a boy. She said she hoped it was our last. Whew! Well the deed is done. Thanks for all the encouragement. I appreciate it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sleepy Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Yay, you did it! :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GSMP Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 I'm glad the conversation went well for you and congratulations on the new addition to your lovely family........:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brindee Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 :hurray: Way to go! I'm SOOOO glad it turned out well and she accepted it with no problem! That's probably a relief, and a load off your shoulders! Now you can move on and not have to worry about it anymore! :hurray: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Good job! I'm glad it went well :D. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
love2read Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 So glad it wenth smoothly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 and your mother didn't know. :blush: Yes, I know it is terrible, but my mother isn't the most supportive of our lifestyle. She hasn't been known to say the kindest things when being told of a new baby. In fact, when I told her I was pregnant with #2 she said, "oh no." Number 2? :001_huh: So, we waited til the ultrasound so that if it was a boy, she would perceive it as better news. Well, if you saw my other post, it is indeed a boy, so, if you were in my shoes, how would you tell your mom? Yes, then brace yourself for whatever she has to say. My mother told me when we were suprised with #4 "You're not suppose to having a baby. DS is" (my sister got married at 34 and has fertility issues but a few years ago everyone was execting her to have a baby) then it was "pregnancy tests could give a false negative"....gee thanks mother for being so kind and supportive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kate CA Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 That is *really* wonderful. Congratulations!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~Tara~ Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 *whew* good to hear the initial break went well :) I'm sure it feels good to have that out of the way Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
langfam Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 My dad didn't know about my 4th till one month after he was born. When he found out I was pregnant with my 5th, he cut us off completely and wouldn't have anything to do with us for until baby was three. It hurt me a lot... more than anything has ever hurt me. It was like a "death" when he did that. I grieved for a long time. He's finally come around. When I lost my 6th, he had no comment. I pray for him everyday. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 I strongly disagreed with the advice to just not tell her, let her know via a birth announcement and so on. I consider that very disrespectful ~ regardless of the fact that one might not care for a parent's reaction when told of a pregnancy. And I do speak from experience; my parents never expressed any enthusiam when they heard I was expecting another child. I learned to take their reaction with a grain of salt, knowing full well that they love my boys ~ and all their other grandchildren ~ as much as any grandparent. So, I'm glad you did what imo was the right thing. She's your mother and imo has a right to know she has another grandchildren being formed in the womb.:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kanga Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 So I say, when ever you want to. Wait till the child is a year old and maybe they won't notice another one. :D :lol::lol::lol: I have had several second trimester miscarriages so I did not tell my mom until after 20 weeks. Not because she wouldn't have been supportive, but because she is the biggest drama queen and I did not want to deal with her hysteria. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5wolfcubs Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Thanks for praying, Sue! :) I've mentioned on the board that I'm pregnant but not that I'm feeling slightly worried...I just don't seem very big for how far along I am. However, I finally emailed my midwife today and will call her later (when no one is hanging around to overhear!). Marie, I'm glad you talked to your mom! My extended family won't be unsupportive or critical...it's just all these reasons not to tell them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClassicMom Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 :hurray: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DIY-DY Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 and called my mom. I was encourage when she answered the phone and seemed in a good mood. She told me all about my neice having her baby this week. So, we were on the topic. I just said that we had some news, hoped she would think it was good, and that our oldest ds was finally getting a little brother. She seemed genuinely happy. She said that one more was probably good, especailly if it was a boy. She said she hoped it was our last. Whew! Well the deed is done. Thanks for all the encouragement. I appreciate it. DH and I joked that it was probably a good thing my Mom isn't around anymore b/c neither of us would have wanted to tell her about #5! (She freaked out when we told her about #2! I can only imagine how the rest would have gone over.) However, there was still my Aunt Bette... and we didn't tell her until about a month before he was born. It slipped. I said something about heading home from the midwife's office. *cringe* Our discussion didn't go as well as yours, and she confirmed for me that it would have been best not to say anything until after the fact. We didn't tell any of my family until last month. Thankfully, there's always DH's family, who jump up and down and squeal with delight when we have another one on the way. :) Congratulations on a job well done! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nancypants Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 Hee hee... I'm a rebel so in your shoes I'd just wait until the baby was born! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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