Please give me your advice on this situation

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

This past weekend, my mother and I were invited by a friend to go scrapbooking at her next door neighbor's house. The neighbor goes south for the winter and her house is empty, and she told my friend that she could use the house for scrapbooking if she wanted. So, my friend wanted to do a trial run with my mom and me before inviting other people along.

 

So, my mom and I went. My friend had set up tables and chairs, and had brought scrapbooking stuff from her house. My mom and I brought our stuff, and we all brought food and drinks to share. It would have been a lovely day. It was sort of a lovely day. My mom and I did enjoy the company, and I did get a lot of scrapbooking done.

 

However, the house is filthy. I mean really, really disgusting. The owner has cats, which she took with her, but the house stinks of cat pee. There is dirt and cat hair everywhere, which looks like it has never, ever been cleaned. I stayed the whole day, but it was difficult. The bathroom was the most revolting thing I've ever seen in my life. I've been in nasty public bathrooms that weren't as bad as this house. The area rug in the living room looks like it might be matted or crusted to the hardwood floors. There is not a lot of furniture in the house, but the stuff that is there looks grimy and covered in cat hair. The curtains, which I'm assuming were once white are gray and yellow.

 

Anyway, my friend wants to host a scrapbooking day at this house once a month. She was trying to get us to commit to a weekend in February, but my mom and I were both saying we'd need to check our calendars at home- trying to avoid the possibility of having to go back there. We didn't say anything to our friend about the filth, but we did wonder why she would think it would be okay to bring more people into this gross place. Maybe she didn't think it was that bad, or something. I don't know.

 

Anyway, here's my dilemma. I really would like to be able to have a space to go once a month (not at my house where the kids can bug me!) which is free and convenient. This gross house is close to me, and I really did enjoy the day with my friend.

 

So, what I want to know is- should I offer to clean the house? I can't imagine more people coming without the house being cleaned up a lot. I would vaccuum all the dust and cat hair, mop the floors, wipe up the counters, dust the furniture and scrub down the bathroom. I think I might try steam cleaning the area rug too. Is this too presumptuous of me? It's not my friend's house, it's her neighbor's. I've never met the neighbor. My sister says I should tell my friend that my allergies were acting up, which they were a bit, but I had taken medicine, and use that angle to suggest the clean up. What do you think?

 

Sorry it got so long.

Edited January 23, 2012 by thescrappyhomeschooler

[Catwoman]

Tell your friend the house is filthy and that being there made your allergies act up. It's not her house, so there's no reason for her to be offended. Also, I see no reason why you should be the one who ends up cleaning your friend's neighbor's house.

 

Additionally, the neighbor may not even want it to be cleaned. It's not really for you, your mom, or your friend to decide to do a big clean-up without the woman's approval. She might be highly offended about it, after having been kind enough to allow your friend to use the house when she wasn't at home.

 

ETA: I think it's very sweet of you to be willing to do all that work, but I don't think you should do it. Instead, I think you should come and clean my house. It's not really filthy, but if you won't be here for a while, I can work on it. ;)

Edited January 23, 2012 by Catwoman

[Photo Ninja]

What an odd situation. I understand about enjoying time away from home where you can scrapbook, uninterrupted. It's a fun break.

 

However, I would feel very strange about cleaning a total stranger's home without her permission. Plus, I probably wouldn't want to spend all that time cleaning a complete stranger's house just so I could scrapbook there once a month. It is very nice of you to be willing to do it.

 

How long has this house been empty, and how long will it remain empty? It sounds like the owner is away for many months. How many times will you be cleaning it?

 

I think I would be honest with my friend about the situation. I would let her know that I really enjoyed the day with her and that it would be wonderful to have a scrapbook day scheduled monthly. I would also let her know that you were uncomfortable with the home's odor and how dirty it was, and that while you know it is not your friend's fault because the house has been empty, you are wondering if the home will be cleaned prior to the next scrapbooking day. If the home is a dirty and smelly as you stated, then your friend would have noticed it as well. It is possible that she didn't realize how dirty and smelly it was until she went in to set up. Maybe she already has plans to clean the house before the next scrapbooking day. I would let her have a chance to explain her plans.

 

But if the house won't be cleaned, I would probably skip the scrapbooking days even though they would be fun to attend.

[justasque]

I think if it's that bad, cleaning the public areas won't solve the allergy problem, or the smell problem. It's not just surface dirt, KWIM? And while it would be nice to clean the public areas since you are using them, you really can't clean the bedrooms and such, because that's private space.

 

I would 1) be honest with the friend that the space isn't a good choice, 2) find a coffee shop or library or church that has a meeting room you can use, or 3) volunteer your home or ask your friend if hers would do.

[SonshineLearner]

I think you should see if there's a coffee house with a big conference room you could use. :) Then offer up that you really like coffee with your scrapbooking; how about everyone meeting up there?? (and say you're trying to help their busines??)

[Impish]

Tell your friend the house is filthy and that being there made your allergies act up. It's not her house, so there's no reason for her to be offended. Also, I see no reason why you should be the one who ends up cleaning your friend's neighbor's house.

 

Additionally, the neighbor may not even want it to be cleaned. It's not really for you, your mom, or your friend to decide to do a big clean-up without the woman's approval. She might be highly offended about it, after having been kind enough to allow your friend to use the house when she wasn't at home.

 

ETA: I think it's very sweet of you to be willing to do all that work, but I don't think you should do it. Instead, I think you should come and clean my house. It's not really filthy, but if you won't be here for a while, I can work on it. ;)

:iagree:

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

However, I would feel very strange about cleaning a total stranger's home without her permission. Plus, I probably wouldn't want to spend all that time cleaning a complete stranger's house just so I could scrapbook there once a month. It is very nice of you to be willing to do it.

 

How long has this house been empty, and how long will it remain empty? It sounds like the owner is away for many months. How many times will you be cleaning it?

 

I think I would be honest with my friend about the situation. I would let her know that I really enjoyed the day with her and that it would be wonderful to have a scrapbook day scheduled monthly. I would also let her know that you were uncomfortable with the home's odor and how dirty it was, and that while you know it is not your friend's fault because the house has been empty, you are wondering if the home will be cleaned prior to the next scrapbooking day. If the home is a dirty and smelly as you stated, then your friend would have noticed it as well. It is possible that she didn't realize how dirty and smelly it was until she went in to set up. Maybe she already has plans to clean the house before the next scrapbooking day. I would let her have a chance to explain her plans.

 

 

 

The first bolded part is what I have a problem with. I think it would be rude of me to clean a complete stranger's house. I'd actually like to do it, though. I love cleaning. And the sense of accomplishment in de-filthifying that place would be huge! :lol:

 

As for the second bolded part, it didn't seem like she was noticing the dirt. She's been in my house before, but I've never been in her house- she has 3 cats, and I'm allergic, so I just don't go there. I'm not sure what her house looks like, so maybe she's used to the dirt. At one point, she was trying to get more light and she was replacing some burned out bulbs in the wall fixtures and decided that the glass globes were really dirty, so she washed them off in the sink, and did remark that it was better. Then, at one point, she was looking at one set of curtains and remarked that maybe she would wash them for her neighbor. She didn't say anything else about the stench or the dirt. She did have some scented candles burning when we got there, maybe in an attempt to cover the urine odor. I don't think she'd be offended if I offered to clean. I know it's a weird situation. It really creeps me out to think of other unsuspecting scrapbookers going there for a day of scrapbooking and be bombarded by the grossness!

[GailV]

 

However, I would feel very strange about cleaning a total stranger's home without her permission. Plus, I probably wouldn't want to spend all that time cleaning a complete stranger's house just so I could scrapbook there once a month. It is very nice of you to be willing to do it.

 

 

I would wonder if I'd end up using some cleaning product that the owner is highly sensitive to, so that when she came home she'd be unable to stay in her own home. For example, dd can't be around lavender, which seems like an innocuous, pleasant scent to most. I mean, who knows why the owner isn't cleaning. There may be some bizarro reason that it's better not to meddle.

 

(For the record, I couldn't spend the day in a house with scented candles, or with the smell of freshly washed curtains that had been doused with scented fabric softener -- both of which are things that plenty of people think are okay.)

[TXBeth]

I would not clean the house without the owner's permission - not a good idea. However, I wouldn't want to be a part of a scrapbooking event there either. If this is a friend, can you just be honest? Call her up and say something like "Hey X, I wanted to talk to you about the scrapbooking thing. I don't want to hurt your feelings because I really did enjoy the day we spent together and I'd love to do it again sometime. But I have to tell you that house was really gross and I don't really feel comfortable going back there. I was going to just decline the invite, but I don't want you to invite other people and then be embarrassed if they make comments, so I thought I should talk to you beforehand. I don't think we can clean Y's house without her permission, but maybe we could find a different place to work so we could still the scrapbooking parties. Maybe a coffee shop or a local church? What do you think?"

Surely she won't be offended as it isn't a reflection on her own housekeeping, just her neighbor's. Suggesting other places lets her know that you really do want to get together and aren't just trying to get out of it by complaining about the filth.

[Laura in MI]

Tell your friend the house is filthy and that being there made your allergies act up. It's not her house, so there's no reason for her to be offended. Also, I see no reason why you should be the one who ends up cleaning your friend's neighbor's house.

 

Additionally, the neighbor may not even want it to be cleaned. It's not really for you, your mom, or your friend to decide to do a big clean-up without the woman's approval. She might be highly offended about it, after having been kind enough to allow your friend to use the house when she wasn't at home.

 

ETA: I think it's very sweet of you to be willing to do all that work, but I don't think you should do it. Instead, I think you should come and clean my house. It's not really filthy, but if you won't be here for a while, I can work on it. ;)

:iagree: Maybe suggest hosting it somewhere else?

[Jennifer3141]

Tell your friend the house is filthy and that being there made your allergies act up. It's not her house, so there's no reason for her to be offended. Also, I see no reason why you should be the one who ends up cleaning your friend's neighbor's house.

 

Additionally, the neighbor may not even want it to be cleaned. It's not really for you, your mom, or your friend to decide to do a big clean-up without the woman's approval. She might be highly offended about it, after having been kind enough to allow your friend to use the house when she wasn't at home.

 

ETA: I think it's very sweet of you to be willing to do all that work, but I don't think you should do it. Instead, I think you should come and clean my house. It's not really filthy, but if you won't be here for a while, I can work on it. ;)

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Catwoman]

I love cleaning.

 

I'm telling you, Lynne. Forget your friend's neighbor's house.

 

Focus on these two little words: My. House. :D

 

I'm telling you, it's getting filthier by the minute. I'm about to eat something and just walk all around the house, dropping crumbs willy-nilly everywhere. Probably it will be Cheetos, because then you'll be sure to see all the orange crumbs.

 

I'm doing my best to make this whole thing appealing for you. Do you want me to trap a squirrel and turn him loose in the house for a while? He can start inside the fireplace where there's bound to be at least a little soot... ;)

[Denisemomof4]

I think it's odd that a neighbor offered her friend to use her house when it was left in such a shambles. I also find it odd that the friend made no comment about the filth. No REAL comment. I'm surprised she'd want to host in a home like that.

 

I would have no problem saying, "I'm really sorry, but my mom and I can't go back to that house." If you want to say about the allergies, that's also fine, but I'd have no issue being honest about why I wouldn't return since she wants to host scrapbooking gatherings there regularly.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I'm telling you, Lynne. Forget your friend's neighbor's house.

 

Focus on these two little words: My. House. :D

 

I'm telling you, it's getting filthier by the minute. I'm about to eat something and just walk all around the house, dropping crumbs willy-nilly everywhere. Probably it will be Cheetos, because then you'll be sure to see all the orange crumbs.

 

I'm doing my best to make this whole thing appealing for you. Do you want me to trap a squirrel and turn him loose in the house for a while? He can start inside the fireplace where there's bound to be at least a little soot... ;)

 

:lol::lol: Okay, I'd be glad to take a break from my own life and clean your house!

 

I guess I can't clean a stranger's house. I'll just have to give up on that idea.

 

I don't know why my friend thinks she can host scrapbooking in the filth. I'm not very confrontational, so I'll probably just tell her that it was too hard on the allergies. I'll probably say something like, "If there wasn't so much dust and cat hair everywhere, it might be easier to be there all day." How does that sound?

[Princess Peach]

What I can't get over is that your friend obviously has no problem with it. She invited you and your mom, and now wants a larger group come over. :confused:

 

For that reason, I would not mention the state of the house as the reason you couldn't go. I would, however, not go back. Ever. :ack2:

 

I agree with the suggestion of perhaps a meeting room at the library.

[Pretty in Pink]

The house is gross. Don't go back. And do not clean that home without the owner's permission. Just don't. That's a bad, bad idea.

[DianeW88]

Tell her your allergies were acting up while you were there and you can't go back. Then suggest everyone pool their money and rent a conference room at a local hotel for a Saturday. Lots of folks do that here to scrapbook (usually they'll rent it for a weekend along with a hotel room), and it isn't very expensive.

[Trish]

I started giggling when I got to the part where you said, "the gross house is close to me..."

 

I think you're an angel for wanting to clean the gross house, even if it is for self-serving purposes. I don't think anyone should take offense, UNLESS the owner is allergic to cleaning products. A distinctly unnerving possibility...

 

Sorry. I shouldn't have giggled.

 

:)

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Tell her your allergies were acting up while you were there and you can't go back. Then suggest everyone pool their money and rent a conference room at a local hotel for a Saturday. Lots of folks do that here to scrapbook (usually they'll rent it for a weekend along with a hotel room), and it isn't very expensive.

 

We also do this, too. This is just a free space, which helps since none of us has a lot of extra cash right now.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I started giggling when I got to the part where you said, "the gross house is close to me..."

 

I think you're an angel for wanting to clean the gross house, even if it is for self-serving purposes. I don't think anyone should take offense, UNLESS the owner is allergic to cleaning products. A distinctly unnerving possibility...

 

Sorry. I shouldn't have giggled.

 

:)

 

:lol::lol:

 

I don't think the lady is allergic to cleaning stuff. She's just an old cat lady. She goes to visit her daughter down south for 6 months at a time.

[Trish]

Could you just clean the main areas, like the room you'll all be in plus the bathroom? Maybe do some intensive vacuuming, and use cleaning products without chemicals like in the vinegar/baking soda family. Nobody can object to a spotless bathroom. They just can't.

 

Edited to add: What did your MOM say about the filth?

[zaichiki]

I think, if you WANT to go, and if cleaning the house would make you feel good (it would make ME feel good to help someone else out like that), then you should do it. But first ask the friend. You can use the allergies angle as the excuse... who knows, maybe the friend will want to help you. (And maybe she'll think it's a good idea to run it by the owner first.)

 

Go for it!

[Catwoman]

:lol::lol: Okay, I'd be glad to take a break from my own life and clean your house!

 

Thanks -- I knew I could count on you! :001_smile:

 

I'm not very confrontational, so I'll probably just tell her that it was too hard on the allergies. I'll probably say something like, "If there wasn't so much dust and cat hair everywhere, it might be easier to be there all day." How does that sound?

 

I think that sounds fine. It's the truth. Not the whole, entire, 100% truth, but it's enough.

[Tigger]

Maybe check your local library? Our library offers rooms for free once a month for groups when no money is changing hands and/or they're non-profit....so you could set up the Scrapbook Club, register with your library and reserve a meeting room once a month if they have them available! Ours comes with tables and chairs - only rule is to leave the room the way we found it (I reserve for our cub scout den during winter months).

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

 

Edited to add: What did your MOM say about the filth?

 

My mom was horrified. We were there for 10 hours and she went to the bathroom once the whole time. She could not bring herself to go back in there. Our friend ran home at one point, and my mom asked me if I thought that our friend didn't notice the filth. I said I didn't know, but she must not think it's that bad if she wants to keep doing this.

[zaichiki]

:lol::lol:

 

I don't think the lady is allergic to cleaning stuff. She's just an old cat lady. She goes to visit her daughter down south for 6 months at a time.

 

I've noticed that older people in my family, who used to be very clean, no longer see the dirt, dust, and cat hair. It may be that the smell accumulated slowly and she didn't notice it and she just can't see the dirt/hair. I think it would be FABULOUS of you (and your friend -- this should be a group effort) to clean for her.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Maybe check your local library? Our library offers rooms for free once a month for groups when no money is changing hands and/or they're non-profit....so you could set up the Scrapbook Club, register with your library and reserve a meeting room once a month if they have them available! Ours comes with tables and chairs - only rule is to leave the room the way we found it (I reserve for our cub scout den during winter months).

 

All of our nearby county libraries are remodeling. No conference rooms are available for several months.

 

There is another library system not far, but their rooms are $30.00 and only available for limited number of hours. I checked into all of this because I started a homeschool book club and needed a space for that.

[ereks mom]

Tell your friend the house is filthy and that being there made your allergies act up. It's not her house, so there's no reason for her to be offended. Also, I see no reason why you should be the one who ends up cleaning your friend's neighbor's house.

 

Additionally, the neighbor may not even want it to be cleaned. It's not really for you, your mom, or your friend to decide to do a big clean-up without the woman's approval. She might be highly offended about it, after having been kind enough to allow your friend to use the house when she wasn't at home.

 

ETA: I think it's very sweet of you to be willing to do all that work, but I don't think you should do it. Instead, I think you should come and clean my house. It's not really filthy, but if you won't be here for a while, I can work on it. ;)

 

:iagree: And if you clean my house, you and your friends are more than welcome to scrapbook here--and teach me how to do it too.

[Tammyla]

I would be honest with your friend if she asks you back for another scrapbooking day. Simply tell her your allergies wont withstand hours there, but if she thought the two of you cleaning wouldn't be offensive to the owner...go for it. Otherwise suggest a different location.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I would be honest with your friend if she asks you back for another scrapbooking day. Simply tell her your allergies wont withstand hours there, but if she thought the two of you cleaning wouldn't be offensive to the owner...go for it. Otherwise suggest a different location.

 

Okay, I might do this. I have had scrapbooking days at my house. But then dh has to figure out what to do with the kids for that long, and he's just not good at that. He usually takes them to his mom's for a while, but then brings them back here. It just not the same as getting AWAY! :D

[LAS in LA]

Could your friend contact the neighbor and find out whether she'd mind if you cleaned up or if she is allergic to cleaning chemicals? I bit awkward, perhaps.

 

If your friend knows this neighbor well, then she (friend) might have hunch about whether the neighbor would mind you all cleaning up. People hire others to clean their houses (including "private" spaces) all the time. Most people I know would love to come home to a clean house.

[BigMamaBird]

I'd volunteer to clean WITH THE FRIEND (do. not. get roped into doing it yourself!). If you were to rent a space to scrap it would cost you a fee. Your work time could be considered your fee. For the cost of a few hours time, you could have your own, super cool scrapping club house. Could be a great trade off!

[kalanamak]

 

So, what I want to know is- should I offer to clean the house?

 

This is EXactly the kind of thing I would do. I would let your friend in on the secret (if you think she can keep one) and if the owner says anything, say "Oh, we cleaned it because we used it! Couldn't have you come back to a mess. We DO SO appreciate you letting us have the house. It was so much fun. Thank you Thank you Thank you."

 

(BTW, I have NEVER had a person ask about my cleaning when they were gone or I was staying at their guest house, and no one stopped talking to me, either.)

[Bluegoat]

I've noticed that older people in my family, who used to be very clean, no longer see the dirt, dust, and cat hair. It may be that the smell accumulated slowly and she didn't notice it and she just can't see the dirt/hair. I think it would be FABULOUS of you (and your friend -- this should be a group effort) to clean for her.

 

This is what I am going to say.

 

I'd ask your friend if she thought it would be ok to do a clean of the public areas before the scrap-booking day. I mean, if you guys made a mess, you would clean it up before the lady came home, and you could say it was a thank-you for use of those spaces.

 

It can though be really hard to get rid of cat smell even after cleaning deeply.

[GingerPoppy]

I don't know if anyone else has suggested this yet, as I've only read the first page of replies...

 

What if your friend contacts the owner to say an enthusiastic thank you for allowing these gatherings to happen, and that you're all having so much fun, that as a thank you (and as a way to make up for the "mess" and dirt the attendees were surely tracking in), she'd like to do her floors and curtains, or whatever, and she just wanted to make sure it was ok with the owner.:D

[Guest submarines]

I've noticed that older people in my family, who used to be very clean, no longer see the dirt, dust, and cat hair. It may be that the smell accumulated slowly and she didn't notice it and she just can't see the dirt/hair. I think it would be FABULOUS of you (and your friend -- this should be a group effort) to clean for her.

:iagree:

[annandatje]

Your friend does not seem too upset about the condition of her neighbor's house. You stated that you had never been inside your friend's home because she owns cats. Could it be that your friend is not much more meticulous than her neighbor about keeping a tidy home?

 

It would be intrusive to clean a stranger's home without permission. If the home owner is not dismayed by state of her home, she could be insulted by an offer to clean it.

 

Could you host the get togethers at your own home and have your partner take the children out for evening?

[Shellers]

I would be honest with your friend if she asks you back for another scrapbooking day. Simply tell her your allergies wont withstand hours there, but if she thought the two of you cleaning wouldn't be offensive to the owner...go for it. Otherwise suggest a different location.

 

:iagree:

 

Maybe the owner is letting your friend use the house hoping it will get cleaned up before she gets back? :001_unsure:

[Ibbygirl]

 

ETA: I think it's very sweet of you to be willing to do all that work, but I don't think you should do it. Instead, I think you should come and clean my house. It's not really filthy, but if you won't be here for a while, I can work on it. ;)

 

:lol::lol::lol: Cat, you always say the perfect thing! hehehe