PeacefulChaos Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 DH and I have always said that adoption is never out of the question. Lately, I have kind of been getting 'the vibe' from DH - like the vibe I got from him when we ended up deciding to not prevent having another, and ended up with DD. :) I'm not saying we're going to jump into it or anything. I'm not even sure we can. But I have NO IDEA how to go about even learning about it. I've googled stuff (many times, over the last several years, because it has always been of interest to us) and it seems to bring up a lot of weird things. So I guess, what should we look for? How much does it really cost? I'm just totally lost on the whole idea, and want to try to cobble together some info even if we don't use it for years or never. Thanks! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 Are you looking for US or international? We adopted from China so I can specifically address that. He was 2.5 years old when we adopted and we were extremely lucky. He is an awesome kid. No attachment issues or anything. We also got most of our adoption covered, even though it had to be paid up front and was paid back in the form of reimbursements through tax credits and Dh's work. We paid about $23K (I traveled alone) and Dh's work paid $5K, federal government paid $12K, and North Carolina paid $6K. Those are not exact, but pretty close. But we had to pay the $23K up front first. Dawn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted January 11, 2012 Author Share Posted January 11, 2012 Are you looking for US or international? Dawn I have no idea. We could go either way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 The good thing about fostering is that you get to help out a couple children/families before you find your forever kiddo...well, unless you get your forever kids after six weeks like we did (we do foster other kids too though). And it is very low cost. I think we paid about $300 to get started (FBI checks, TB tests, medical evals, etc). Our lawyer gets paid by the state rather than by us directly; but some people pay directly and then are reimbursed by the state. A LOT of people think they couldn't do it. Fact is, most people *could* if they chose to. There is a saying, "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." ABSOLUTELY TRUE. Of course, then there are reasons like yesterday's CPS transporter. She had a rough day and was going home to have a glass of wine. We aren't allowed to have alcohol in our homes at all :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stellalarella Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 The costs vary from low to none (adopting through the foster care system) to single digit thousands (adopting through a non-profit agency and raising money through fundraising letters or grants) to double digit thousands for non-profits and private agencies, both domestic and international. A good first step is to go to a meeting for adoption through DHS or whatever it is called in your state, or sign up for an informational meeting at an agency in your state. In our state, we have a private Christian organization that helps churches raise up people to meet the needs of our state foster care system. Here is the link. As you go along, you will take tiny steps that help you get more info and help you make decisions about where your passions flow--domestic or international, foster care or private agency. Our journey began with going to a meeting, finding out that we had a church body who was supportive, connecting with family in Christ who wanted to help fund our adoptions, and beginning to fill out the paperwork. Adoption is a journey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted January 11, 2012 Author Share Posted January 11, 2012 I have a question: Is fostering hard with other kids? Particularly if they are young? Like, I guess I'm kind of afraid that if we foster then we could end up with a kid with a whole lot of problems that we just can't deal with, or that it will damage our biological children in the process. That sounds horribly selfish, and I don't mean it in a bad way AT ALL! That's just always been my fear when it comes to fostering - that it would be at the expense of our bio children, particularly if they are still young at the time. Would it be better to wait until they are older? Or does it not matter? Does that sound awful? Ugh. It's so hard to get the question out without sounding like a total monster. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy in C-ville Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 We adopted our youngest, Katya, from Ukraine, with plenty of support from the "Hive." If you want to read our journey, go to my website. Under the "About" tab is a list of top adoption posts. You could start at the beginning and read through. We hosted Katya in the summer of 2008 and completed the adoption in November 2009. Ukraine is less expensive than many countries b/c it's not a Hague treaty country. There are positives and negatives to this. Less expensive means 15K - 20K, typically. You could do what we did and host first. The cost for that is ~ $3,000. We hosted through Frontier Horizon: http://www.frontierhorizon.org/. Adoption is wonderful, but also incredibly hard. We had no idea of how hard it would be when we started. But, we'd do it all over in a heartbeat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 (edited) I have a question: Is fostering hard with other kids? Particularly if they are young? Like, I guess I'm kind of afraid that if we foster then we could end up with a kid with a whole lot of problems that we just can't deal with, or that it will damage our biological children in the process. That sounds horribly selfish, and I don't mean it in a bad way AT ALL! That's just always been my fear when it comes to fostering - that it would be at the expense of our bio children, particularly if they are still young at the time. Would it be better to wait until they are older? Or does it not matter?Does that sound awful? Ugh. It's so hard to get the question out without sounding like a total monster. :( This isn't just true with fostering. It can be true with any biological or adopted child. I understand where you are going with your thinking, but just remember that all foster children are someone elses biological children. And no, you don't sound like a monster, you sound like you are thinking about it in a serious manner. I don't know if there are any statistics out there, but I wonder if there have ever been studies done to show how foster/adopted children and adopted children fare in life after the fact, compared to one another. If you foster, you can determine who comes into your home. You can say, we have a spot for a boy 0-2 years old. You can designate if you are willing to foster/adopt or only accept children who are likely to be adopted. Some kids are in various stages of the foster system, and every situation is different. But even those who are legally free to adopt can still have legal complications. Every foster child will come with some emotional baggage. Some mild, that they will never remember as they grow up and others who never recover. The nice thing about fostering first, is that you do get a chance to 'try out' the fit with your own children first. Foster placements come from a myriad of backgrounds, but most are removed from an unsuitable home and their emotional state shows it. There are exceptions but that doesn't mean that they are free from emotional issues. DD5 was taken at birth from my niece and then placed with my mother. My mother cared for her until she was 5mo and then we took her. She has severe mental health issues, despite being raised in loving, secure home. Edited January 11, 2012 by Tap, tap, tap Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 Adoption is a very complex world, so that is why it's such a project to gather info on it. The US government (USCIS?) has a lot of info on international adoption, and I assume state websites would have info on domestic adoption. Once you narrow it down to type of adoption (open/closed, foster/newborn, domestic/international etc.), and choose an agency, the agency will help you learn a lot more. I found the adoption.com forums to be a great resource, but it might be overwhelming before you narrow your choices a bit. It helps to be in some kind of adoption community, whether in-person or on-line. Folks can share experiences, commiserate, recommend good resources, etc. You don't have to already have an adopted child to be involved in the community. One thing that I'll say to your question of "what is adoption like" - it's not for the faint of heart. It's one of the most stressful things you'll ever experience, but totally worth it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilymax Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 I will be watching this thread with great interest, as we are seriously, prayerfully considering adopting a girl from Uganda. A pastor friend runs a small orphanage there and knowing him has made us acutely aware of the orphan crisis in that nation. It's truly mind-boggling what they are dealing with. The children he cares for have really touched our family's hearts--even DH, who previously had no real interest in adoption. Now he's all on board! :) I found out that it's possible to adopt from Uganda without using an agency and so ultimately, the costs would be lower. My biggest concern, though, is the whole homestudy process; whether we will be considered wealthy enough to adopt. We aren't heavily in debt, but we did have to foreclose on a home several years ago (long story behind that) and don't have much in savings...I worry that we'll spend a lot of money starting a homestudy, then be turned down for financial reasons. I plan to rectify the savings issue through saving all my freelancing income this year and would also have fundraisers to help pay the travel and legal costs. Of course, the irony is that by Ugandan standards, we are abundantly rich and could offer a child a stable home life with lots of opportunities. Ideally, I'd bring home two girls since we have all boys...every girl needs a sister! :D But I can't imagine our income would be deemed sufficient for two additional kids--even though I am frugal and we make ends meet just fine. I'd love to do this but agree--getting started is a bit overwhelming and scary... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Singingmom Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 We have three boys, and would love to have a little girl. We don't think we can do fost/adopt, as my husband's work situation is such that we could move without much warning. So, we are looking at International or domestic. Both processes have been confusing and discouraging to me :( . I'm just praying that if we are meant to do this, God will open the door. I'll be following this Thread with much interest :) . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murmer Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 Domestic adoption average for a Caucasian newborn is about 30000. A good agency would use that money for counseling, birth expenses if not eligible for Medicare, legal except finalization (so termination of rights), and any living expenses prebirth for the expectant mother. Some agencies will "roll" money paid to another situation if the expectant mother chooses to parent but not all. Many domestic adoptions are expectant mothers picking the family so wait times are hard to determine and are changed by openness to drug use, race, gender, and ultimate openness with birth family. The longest waits are for Caucasian baby girls with no prenatal problems including drug use and completely closed. Less than 1% of women with an unplanned pregnancy will place for adoption in the us. Adoption can be hard but in the end when you have the baby that was meant for your family it is wonderful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 I will be watching this thread with great interest, as we are seriously, prayerfully considering adopting a girl from Uganda. .. We just hosted a family that is on deputation for the mission field in Uganda. I will have to follow your story just as I do theirs as they prepare to go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilymax Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 We just hosted a family that is on deputation for the mission field in Uganda. I will have to follow your story just as I do theirs as they prepare to go. Do they have a blog? I'd love to follow them as well. I blog, but won't be posting about it there until we have something solidly in the works. However, I am sure I will post here. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 We have adopted twice (we needed some girls!), both domestically, both through an adoption attorney. We got our first daughter 10 days after we spoke to the attorney's office, which is not typical. It took about 2 months to get our second daughter. It was fast because we specifically stated that race did not matter to us. The adoptions cost about $12,000 each, which we had to have up front. We got most of that back gradually using tax credits. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted January 11, 2012 Share Posted January 11, 2012 We have 5 adopted children - all from the foster care system. They are beautiful children (our three oldest are on my avatar, can't post the two little ones because they aren't finalized) and have no issues. We adopted them all when they were very young (13 mo., 4 mo. 2 days, 2.5 yrs., 10 mo.) and have had no attachment issues. In fact, our adoptions have all gone smoothly. Adoption is a complex and frustrating system, but one thing we did with this last adoption is go with a Christian foster care agency. They have been wonderful. I truly believe the younger a child is when they are adopted the less problems they will have. Also, in my experience, not all drug exposure in utero is disastrous. You can PM me if you want to talk about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne115 Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 We have adopted twice. Our first daughter was adopted in 2002 from Kazakstan. She was 6 months old when we met her and 7 months old when we arrived home. Our second daughter was adopted in January 2011 from China. She was 13 months old at the time. Both of our girls have done great. I would love to adopt one more time and get a boy, but my husband doesn't want another child so I'll have to be content with 2. I highly recommend adoption as a way to start or expand a family. Suzanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jillian Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 I've been considering adoption as well because of the infertility struggles we have been having. Dh isn't not on board but I've just been praying and hoping that whatever God intends for us works out in some capacity Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 We did foster adopt. It cost us nothing as in SD the state picks up the cost. We also do get a support check each month which has help greatly in being able to do the special diet we maintain for our son and a the other therapy we do. It doesn't cover it all but really helps with these. Those are the pros. The cons for foster adopt at you may have several children in your home before you have one placed that you may be able to adopt. Many times it is older children that are available. You may have to take a sibling group(for us this was a pro but for some they may want only one or one at a time). Your life may be in limbo for some time before you know whether the child is adoptable. You are expected to work for the placement of the child back with the birth parent until it is determined that the birth parent is going to be terminated legally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommyagain Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 We have 6 adopted children from foster care. It did not cost us anything (in dollars) however there were some heartbreaks along the way. I would not trade any of them for anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy in C-ville Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 I will be watching this thread with great interest, as we are seriously, prayerfully considering adopting a girl from Uganda. A pastor friend runs a small orphanage there and knowing him has made us acutely aware of the orphan crisis in that nation. It's truly mind-boggling what they are dealing with. The children he cares for have really touched our family's hearts--even DH, who previously had no real interest in adoption. Now he's all on board! :) I found out that it's possible to adopt from Uganda without using an agency and so ultimately, the costs would be lower. My biggest concern, though, is the whole homestudy process; whether we will be considered wealthy enough to adopt. We aren't heavily in debt, but we did have to foreclose on a home several years ago (long story behind that) and don't have much in savings...I worry that we'll spend a lot of money starting a homestudy, then be turned down for financial reasons. I plan to rectify the savings issue through saving all my freelancing income this year and would also have fundraisers to help pay the travel and legal costs. Of course, the irony is that by Ugandan standards, we are abundantly rich and could offer a child a stable home life with lots of opportunities. Ideally, I'd bring home two girls since we have all boys...every girl needs a sister! :D But I can't imagine our income would be deemed sufficient for two additional kids--even though I am frugal and we make ends meet just fine. I'd love to do this but agree--getting started is a bit overwhelming and scary... Uganda! It sounds like you have several contacts. I do have a few more, if you're interested. My friend Sara, has adopted from Ethiopia and Uganda and is a beautiful writer. Here's her blog: http://everybitterthingissweet.com/ And my friend, Kate, is going back to Uganda to work with a ministry called Lifeline: http://hisdaughterhislily.wordpress.com/ Please keep me posted as you move through this! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 The cons for foster adopt at you may have several children in your home before you have one placed that you may be able to adopt. Many times it is older children that are available. You may have to take a sibling group(for us this was a pro but for some they may want only one or one at a time). Your life may be in limbo for some time before you know whether the child is adoptable. You are expected to work for the placement of the child back with the birth parent until it is determined that the birth parent is going to be terminated legally. True. We have two sibling groups. However, in CA you can specify the level of risk you are willing to accept. You can say that you only want a child who's parental rights have been scheduled to be terminated. When it gets to that point, reunification will probably not happen. And sometimes you have to wait. A long time. It also depends on the county you're working with. They can vary greatly in their attitudes toward adoptions. We're finding this out in a big way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elinor Everywhere Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 We adopted our son from Ukraine. Unlike others, he was 6 years old when we got him, so there were lots of potential attachment and behavioral issues. However, we have been so blessed - he doesn't have any of those things! He attached to me right away (at the orphanage) and for many years believed I could do no wrong (well, I can't, can I? :D). He is now 14, and not quite as enamored, but still very attached, loving, and has no major behavioral issues at all. With that said, he does have ADD and a problem with verbal skills (memory recall on words is difficult), but lots of people have bio kids with those problems so I don't think they are necessarily related to being adopted. His mother was an alcoholic and drank while pregnant, and I was very worried he would have fetal alcohol syndrome, but nothing ever materialized. He is actually better behaved and more compliant than my bio daughter, who is a high-spirited pistol (but not ill-behaved) whom people love to have around! Here are a couple of pictures of my son. The first one is at the orphanage when he was 6, and the second is on our boat at 13. We'd do it again! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 Do they have a blog? I'd love to follow them as well. I blog, but won't be posting about it there until we have something solidly in the works. However, I am sure I will post here. :) Here is their website http://www.thetelmans.net/home.html Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilymax Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 Uganda! It sounds like you have several contacts. I do have a few more, if you're interested. My friend Sara, has adopted from Ethiopia and Uganda and is a beautiful writer. Here's her blog: http://everybitterthingissweet.com/ And my friend, Kate, is going back to Uganda to work with a ministry called Lifeline: http://hisdaughterhislily.wordpress.com/ Please keep me posted as you move through this! I have been to Sara's blog, many times! :) I will also check out the other one--thank you! Here is their website http://www.thetelmans.net/home.html Thanks so much! Lots of fun reading tonight. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 We adopted twice from South Korea. The information about adoption is so overwhelming, particularly in the technology age, that we had NO idea what to think until we visited an agency's information meeting. We drove two hours to the meeting and came out knowing exactly what we were going to do. The two hour drive home was very exciting :001_smile:. When/if you're serious about moving forward, I recommend actually contacting an agency and attending a meeting where they present everything to you (US vs international and overviews of each international country). The internet just had too much information for us to sift through! We adopted our son from Ukraine. Unlike others, he was 6 years old when we got him, so there were lots of potential attachment and behavioral issues. However, we have been so blessed - he doesn't have any of those things! He attached to me right away (at the orphanage) and for many years believed I could do no wrong (well, I can't, can I? :D). He is now 14, and not quite as enamored, but still very attached, loving, and has no major behavioral issues at all. With that said, he does have ADD and a problem with verbal skills (memory recall on words is difficult), but lots of people have bio kids with those problems so I don't think they are necessarily related to being adopted. His mother was an alcoholic and drank while pregnant, and I was very worried he would have fetal alcohol syndrome, but nothing ever materialized. He is actually better behaved and more compliant than my bio daughter, who is a high-spirited pistol (but not ill-behaved) whom people love to have around! Here are a couple of pictures of my son. The first one is at the orphanage when he was 6, and the second is on our boat at 13. We'd do it again! Your son is so handsome!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elinor Everywhere Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 Your son is so handsome!! Thank you! The neighborhood girls are beginning to notice....:tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 We have adopted 5 times. It has been wonderful. I think that no matter how or where you go it will be wonderful for you too. I think that when folks start thinking about adopting more is researched and discussed about "How to Adopt." But less is said about what life will look and feel like 5,10, and 12 years down the road. Everyone loves a baby. But when that baby is a grown boy or girl starting to have normal meltdowns family and friends are less enamored with your child and more quick to blame it on their adoption. Yesterday evening dh was picking up our 4 yo dd from Awana. He asked the question that most parents ask, "How did it go? Was she a good girl?" Unfortunately he ran into the one leader who wanted to psycho analyze our dd, "I'd have to know more about her adoption, that might explain why she's so friendly, are her siblings all so friendly? " WHAT?!!! Unfortunately this isn't uncommon. Dh was good and just smiled and said, "Alrighty then, have a good evening." Yes, we know dd has a lot to learn about boundaries. We're working on not hugging everyone who greets her. :D It's not an adoption thing. It's a personality thing. Normal. Of course, dh didn't say this to her. I wasn't there, but when DH told me I was a bit surprised at how much this kind of stuff can still get me going emotionally 12 years after our first adoption. As you prepare your hearts for an adoption, don't forget to think & read about what to expect 10, 12, or more years down the road. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in the UP of MI Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 Uganda! It sounds like you have several contacts. I do have a few more, if you're interested. My friend Sara, has adopted from Ethiopia and Uganda and is a beautiful writer. Here's her blog: http://everybitterthingissweet.com/ And my friend, Kate, is going back to Uganda to work with a ministry called Lifeline: http://hisdaughterhislily.wordpress.com/ Please keep me posted as you move through this! Thanks for these links! We're considering adopting from Ethiopia or possibly somewhere else in Africa someday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsmama Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 Our oldest was adopted domestically through an agency (Bethany). She was a few weeks old when we brought her home, after a wait of about 9 months (really). My other two kids are bio. I would love to adopt again, this time perhaps internationally. DH is not on board right now, but hopefully in the future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 (edited) Editing this post for privacy reasons, after reconsidering my initial post. Sorry - I hope that's okay! We have adopted twice. There are so many ways to adopt... And all of them lead to the same end... The soul who was meant to be with your family will find a way to get there. :) Edited January 13, 2012 by Spryte Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 I went perusing the internet, and those links, but also thought about domestic adoption. Wednesday's Child. I was amazed, and heartbroken, as I looked at profiles of 21 year young men, looking for forever homes. I have to say, the older, domestic adoptions were the ones that I was drawn to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sarahj Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 Both my DDs were adopted from China. We brought DD4 home in 2008 at 12 months old and we brought DD2 home this past October at 23 months old. The wait for non-special needs adoptions from China has grown to over 5 years. We waited almost 3 years for DD4. DD2 is considered special needs (she was born with cleft lip and palate), so her adoption took only about a year. I would not recommend non-special needs adoption from China at this time, as the wait is only getting longer, but if you are open to special needs (and there are a wide range of things China considers "special needs"), I would recommend considering China as an option. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 Everyone loves a baby. But when that baby is a grown boy or girl starting to have normal meltdowns family and friends are less enamored with your child and more quick to blame it on their adoption. Yesterday evening dh was picking up our 4 yo dd from Awana. He asked the question that most parents ask, "How did it go? Was she a good girl?" Unfortunately he ran into the one leader who wanted to psycho analyze our dd, "I'd have to know more about her adoption, that might explain why she's so friendly, are her siblings all so friendly? " WHAT?!!! Unfortunately this isn't uncommon. Dh was good and just smiled and said, "Alrighty then, have a good evening." Yes, we know dd has a lot to learn about boundaries. We're working on not hugging everyone who greets her. :D It's not an adoption thing. It's a personality thing. Normal. Of course, dh didn't say this to her. I wasn't there, but when DH told me I was a bit surprised at how much this kind of stuff can still get me going emotionally 12 years after our first adoption. As you prepare your hearts for an adoption, don't forget to think & read about what to expect 10, 12, or more years down the road. :iagree: It's funny, some people are so quick to blame every single personality quirk on "attachment" and "it's because they're adopted" and I'm like, "no, it's because he's just an obnoxious kid!" My sil does that all the time. I'll complain about DS1 and she gets this serious look on her face and starts blathering on about "attachment issues" and all this garbage and I'm thinking to myself, "no, I met his birthmom and she's just like this. It's genetics." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 I would contemplate why you think you want to adopt. If it is anything about fulfilling your needs and/or your family, realize the reality might be quite different. :) For instance, a woman who's always wanted a daughter may not get a girly girl. ;) These are real, little people who come to you fully formed, with personalities and backgrounds all their own. And these fully formed persons may never be grateful to you for what you have done for them. If you can handle that notion, really handle it deep inside, then you are probably a good candidate for becoming an adoptive parent. Adoptive parents have to be emotionally strong for their children, who at different times in their lives, may have very different needs than biologic children of the same age. Like all parenting, it can be tough. Sometimes, it is the same type of tough. Sometimes not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 I would contemplate why you think you want to adopt. If it is anything about fulfilling your needs and/or your family, realize the reality might be quite different. :) For instance, a woman who's always wanted a daughter may not get a girly girl. ;) These are real, little people who come to you fully formed, with personalities and backgrounds all their own. And these fully formed persons may never be grateful to you for what you have done for them. If you can handle that notion, really handle it deep inside, then you are probably a good candidate for becoming an adoptive parent. Adoptive parents have to be emotionally strong for their children, who at different times in their lives, may have very different needs than biologic children of the same age. Like all parenting, it can be tough. Sometimes, it is the same type of tough. Sometimes not. Nope, very true, which is why I've been so hesitant. If it's supposed to happen, it will happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 I would contemplate why you think you want to adopt. If it is anything about fulfilling your needs and/or your family, realize the reality might be quite different. :) For instance, a woman who's always wanted a daughter may not get a girly girl. ;) These are real, little people who come to you fully formed, with personalities and backgrounds all their own. And these fully formed persons may never be grateful to you for what you have done for them. If you can handle that notion, really handle it deep inside, then you are probably a good candidate for becoming an adoptive parent. Adoptive parents have to be emotionally strong for their children, who at different times in their lives, may have very different needs than biologic children of the same age. Like all parenting, it can be tough. Sometimes, it is the same type of tough. Sometimes not. Are any children really grateful to their parents? Maybe not until they're grown up. Any parent who expects their child to be grateful for whatever - the sacrifices parents made for thm, etc, whether the child is adopted or not - is going to be disappointed. And as far as your expectations of what kind of child he/she will be- that's true whether you adopt or give birth. A friend of mine once said, when I told her we were adopting, "Isn't that kind of a 'crap-shoot'? You don't know what you're getting." and then she thought a minute (she was preg. At that time with her 5th) and said, "well, I guess it's a 'crap-shoot' even when it's your own" and she's right. Just because a child has your DNA doesn't mean he/she is going to be like you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilymax Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 Are any children really grateful to their parents? Maybe not until they're grown up. Any parent who expects their child to be grateful for whatever - the sacrifices parents made for thm, etc, whether the child is adopted or not - is going to be disappointed. I think this is so true. I grew up hearing all the time what an ingrate I was...I can remember even when I was young, thinking on some level how wrong it was of my mom to expect extraordinary gratitude from me and my sisters. So even with adopting a child, I don't expect that she would owe me anything for "rescuing" her, as others sometimes see adoption to be. Honestly, in our family, it has just always felt like someone is missing...maybe more than one "someones." I admit that I would love to have a girly-girl to do girl stuff with, but if she's a total tomboy, well...she'll fit in just fine with the boys in the family! LOL And I'll just pray that maybe I'll have a girly granddaughter someday. I am definitely in the "if it's meant to be, it'll happen" camp. I've seen that prove true far too many times in my life to not trust it now. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nono Posted January 12, 2012 Share Posted January 12, 2012 Are any children really grateful to their parents? Maybe not until they're grown up. Any parent who expects their child to be grateful for whatever - the sacrifices parents made for thm, etc, whether the child is adopted or not - is going to be disappointed. And as far as your expectations of what kind of child he/she will be- that's true whether you adopt or give birth. A friend of mine once said, when I told her we were adopting, "Isn't that kind of a 'crap-shoot'? You don't know what you're getting." and then she thought a minute (she was preg. At that time with her 5th) and said, "well, I guess it's a 'crap-shoot' even when it's your own" and she's right. Just because a child has your DNA doesn't mean he/she is going to be like you. Ain't that the truth? But, I have heard some adoptive parents say things like this when they didn't do similarly when expecting biologic children. That's why I put it out there. First time I heard it, you could have knocked me over with a feather! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellesmere Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 Ain't that the truth? But, I have heard some adoptive parents say things like this when they didn't do similarly when expecting biologic children. That's why I put it out there. First time I heard it, you could have knocked me over with a feather! If I may agree and add (and I am aware that I don't qualify to answer the OP since I have not adopted any children, nor am I trying to suggest that anyone else here is agreeing with this), that it is not uncommon for adoptees to hear that they should be very grateful in a way that biological children are not expected to be while ignoring that the adoptee may be struggling to get over the issues surrounding their adoption (possible abandonment, loss of native culture for international adoptees, not being able to find birth parents, medical issues, etc.) Also, adoptive parents are human and the parent/child relationship does have its struggles. Again, I wasn't asked but I hope it's ok for me to add that adoption is, in some ways, a business. There is corruption. There is pain. I have a friend whose adopted siblings will not speak to their adoptive family. FWIW, I don't think it's awful to consider the needs of your biological children. They should be your present priority. Adoption doesn't always work out. Many times, it does. For the situations that I am closest to, it did work. I hope things work out for you, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 I don't know if ds's situation will end in adoption, but we have been told that he will never be able to go back to his mother. His father is in prison and there are still some ongoing issues with the mother. In the last 4 years she has flat out refused to do anything the courts have asked her to do and has only made things worse. Our case is different in the fact that we did not seek to adopt or foster, yet here we are:tongue_smilie:. Ds did not go through the foster system, but had a similar experience. We are his 4th home. He is seperated from his 3 siblings. They were much luckier in that they ended up with family. Ds was with his slightly older brother in the beginning. But the boys had different fathers and after 1.5 yrs, ds was no longer welcome in that home. His sisters are with the grandparents. As a toddler, ds drowned in a pond, was attacked by a dog (needing facial reconstruction), and up to the age of 4 was the victim of abuse. I write all that just to lay a little of the background that can exist in these type of cases and believe me, that is just the tip of the iceberg. His full story is heartbreaking. Part of his trauma though, were 2 well meaning families that took him in and told him that they were his forever family and then dropped him 1.5 yrs later. It is uncanny that 1.5 yrs was the magic number in both cases. Our 2 yr mark will be a big celebration! We have had ds 1 yr 2months, and it has been very hard. But, we are determined. He has PTSD, severe ADHD, ODD, a mood disorder (with family history of bipolar). The diagnosis of dis-inhibited attachment disorder has been discussed in length but not made official as of yet. We also worried about how this would affect our dd. But, our whole family, ds included, is working through this and growing stronger everyday. Some professionals tried to convince us to walk away in the beginning as the depth of his problems were being discovered, but we truly felt and continue to feel that God has spoken on the matter and is equipping us daily. I love how dd has grown and is stepping up to love someone who is not easy to love. They fight like normal siblings, and they play like normal siblings. They sing in the back seat together, and then yell and scream at each other :tongue_smilie:. When asked, dd will tell you that, all in all, she is glad that he is with us. Now, we have had to enact measures that reassure dd's (and our) safety. We use baby monitors and door alarms on bedrooms. Sharp objects are kept well out of reach. Medications are kept in a lock box. It is not as bad as it sounds though. These help everyone to feel more comfortable. Our experience has actually scared some friends of ours that had been thinking of adopting and now have second thoughts. But, dh and I do not regret our decision to bring ds into our family. I say all this because even the scary stories are still worth it if you can truly commit. No child comes with a promise. When you are pregnant, you don't know what that child will bring. Adoption/foster is no different. I am reminded by the thread about the girls suddenly developing Tourretts that something could go wrong at any time, to any child, at any age. I wish you luck as you begin this journey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 Tammy, Thank you for mentioning the dis-inhibited attachment disorder. We have tried to do research, but of course it takes TIME and with so many kiddos and their needs...... Anyway, I looked it up and was AMAZED. I kept thinking there was a difference I couldn't describe about two of my kids. I knew it was an attachment issue, no doubt. But I couldn't rectify the differences I saw. This page had all sorts of information: http://www.dsm5.org/Proposed%20Revision%20Attachments/APA%20DSM-5%20Reactive%20Attachment%20Disorder%20Review.pdf Now what to do with this information. I am thinking of emailing my one child's psychologist. The other two will see a psychologist in the next month or so for their adoption psychologicals. Hmmmmm... Anyway, again, thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jewellsmommy Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 Tammy, Thank you for mentioning the dis-inhibited attachment disorder. We have tried to do research, but of course it takes TIME and with so many kiddos and their needs...... Anyway, I looked it up and was AMAZED. I kept thinking there was a difference I couldn't describe about two of my kids. I knew it was an attachment issue, no doubt. But I couldn't rectify the differences I saw. This page had all sorts of information: http://www.dsm5.org/Proposed%20Revision%20Attachments/APA%20DSM-5%20Reactive%20Attachment%20Disorder%20Review.pdf Now what to do with this information. I am thinking of emailing my one child's psychologist. The other two will see a psychologist in the next month or so for their adoption psychologicals. Hmmmmm... Anyway, again, thanks. Glad it helps! Yes, there is a quite a difference isn't there? I tell you what, I have learned a lot in the last year. The funny thing is that I started as a biology major and then switched to psychology after a year. But I have learned way more from life than I ever did in a class room! :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 I don't know if ds's situation will end in adoption, but we have been told that he will never be able to go back to his mother. His father is in prison and there are still some ongoing issues with the mother. In the last 4 years she has flat out refused to do anything the courts have asked her to do and has only made things worse. Our case is different in the fact that we did not seek to adopt or foster, yet here we are:tongue_smilie:. Ds did not go through the foster system, but had a similar experience. We are his 4th home. He is seperated from his 3 siblings. They were much luckier in that they ended up with family. Ds was with his slightly older brother in the beginning. But the boys had different fathers and after 1.5 yrs, ds was no longer welcome in that home. His sisters are with the grandparents. As a toddler, ds drowned in a pond, was attacked by a dog (needing facial reconstruction), and up to the age of 4 was the victim of abuse. I write all that just to lay a little of the background that can exist in these type of cases and believe me, that is just the tip of the iceberg. His full story is heartbreaking. Part of his trauma though, were 2 well meaning families that took him in and told him that they were his forever family and then dropped him 1.5 yrs later. It is uncanny that 1.5 yrs was the magic number in both cases. Our 2 yr mark will be a big celebration! We have had ds 1 yr 2months, and it has been very hard. But, we are determined. He has PTSD, severe ADHD, ODD, a mood disorder (with family history of bipolar). The diagnosis of dis-inhibited attachment disorder has been discussed in length but not made official as of yet. We also worried about how this would affect our dd. But, our whole family, ds included, is working through this and growing stronger everyday. Some professionals tried to convince us to walk away in the beginning as the depth of his problems were being discovered, but we truly felt and continue to feel that God has spoken on the matter and is equipping us daily. I love how dd has grown and is stepping up to love someone who is not easy to love. They fight like normal siblings, and they play like normal siblings. They sing in the back seat together, and then yell and scream at each other :tongue_smilie:. When asked, dd will tell you that, all in all, she is glad that he is with us. Now, we have had to enact measures that reassure dd's (and our) safety. We use baby monitors and door alarms on bedrooms. Sharp objects are kept well out of reach. Medications are kept in a lock box. It is not as bad as it sounds though. These help everyone to feel more comfortable. Our experience has actually scared some friends of ours that had been thinking of adopting and now have second thoughts. But, dh and I do not regret our decision to bring ds into our family. I say all this because even the scary stories are still worth it if you can truly commit. No child comes with a promise. When you are pregnant, you don't know what that child will bring. Adoption/foster is no different. I am reminded by the thread about the girls suddenly developing Tourretts that something could go wrong at any time, to any child, at any age. I wish you luck as you begin this journey. :grouphug::grouphug: Thank you for your post. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michelle l Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 I would contemplate why you think you want to adopt. If it is anything about fulfilling your needs and/or your family, realize the reality might be quite different. :) For instance, a woman who's always wanted a daughter may not get a girly girl. ;) These are real, little people who come to you fully formed, with personalities and backgrounds all their own. And these fully formed persons may never be grateful to you for what you have done for them. If you can handle that notion, really handle it deep inside, then you are probably a good candidate for becoming an adoptive parent. Adoptive parents have to be emotionally strong for their children, who at different times in their lives, may have very different needs than biologic children of the same age. Like all parenting, it can be tough. Sometimes, it is the same type of tough. Sometimes not. I second this. I really cringe when I hear the way many people talk about adopting, as though the child they are pursuing exists to meet their needs. Every adopted person has endured the loss of the first family before coming to the adoptive family. Adoption should, hopefully, be about meeting the needs of the child rather than the needs and desires of the the prospective adoptive parents. ... it is not uncommon for adoptees to hear that they should be very grateful in a way that biological children are not expected to be while ignoring that the adoptee may be struggling to get over the issues surrounding their adoption (possible abandonment, loss of native culture for international adoptees, not being able to find birth parents, medical issues, etc.) .... Again, I wasn't asked but I hope it's ok for me to add that adoption is, in some ways, a business. There is corruption. There is pain... Yes, this too. And even if the aparents don't expect the adoptee to be grateful, society does. Even the language used to describe adoption strips the adoptee of developing his or her own narrative. Adotpion is a "miracle" and a "blessing", the "birthmother" made "brave, courageous, and selfless choice", and we are "so thankful that she chose life!" ;) Honestly, much of the familiar language is driven by the adoption industry rather those those actually experiencing relinquishiment and adoption. http://www.origins-usa.org/ is a great resource for investigating some what I've mentioned. We adotped from South Korea. At the time, I really believed we were providing a home to a child in need. We wanted to add to our family, and we wanted to to it through adoption. Sadly, I now believe there is widespread coercion and that the system is designed to manipulate mothers into relinquishing. It grieves my heart more than I can say. I LOVE my daughter, and I LOVE her other mama, and I am ANGRY for both of them. This didn't have to happen. Here is an excellent blog. http://landofgazillionadoptees.com/ I do still think adoption can be a good way to meet the needs of some children. Certainly, children in the foster care system whose parents' rights have been terminated can benefit from a permanent family, and I continue to think that children's needs are best served in a family rather than in institutions. Domestic adoption has its own issues, and though some relinquishments/adoptions are really in the child's best interests, far too many women and children continue to be separated through practices designed to influence a women toward relinqishing rather than parenting. Bottom line for for me is that though i think adoption can be positive in some situations, I also think it needs to be entered into much more carefully and thoughtfully than what we typically see, and with a great deal of concern for ethics. (Someone mentioned the adoption dot com forums do not allow for the kind of honest discussion that is needed to be truly informed. Several adoptees and natural moms I know, who are not hateful but are simply articuate, have been banned. :001_huh:) Oh, another great site for what coercion looks like in domestic adoption is http://www.musingsofthelame.com/ And for the sake of transparency I want to also let you know that in the back of my mind I'm considering talking to dh about adopting a waiting child from China. :tongue_smilie: I have to look into it a LOT more though. So yeah, it's complicated!;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 I second this. I really cringe when I hear the way many people talk about adopting, as though the child they are pursuing exists to meet their needs. Every adopted person has endured the loss of the first family before coming to the adoptive family. Adoption should, hopefully, be about meeting the needs of the child rather than the needs and desires of the the prospective adoptive parents. Yes, this too. And even if the aparents don't expect the adoptee to be grateful, society does. Even the language used to describe adoption strips the adoptee of developing his or her own narrative. Adotpion is a "miracle" and a "blessing", the "birthmother" made "brave, courageous, and selfless choice", I do still think adoption can be a good way to meet the needs of some children. Bottom line for for me is that though i think adoption can be positive in some situations ) I agree that society has a pretty messed up view of adoption, but for kids in the foster care system it is the best thing for them and should happen as early and as quickly as possible. Really, for those kids what is the alternative? I'm not sure I agree with some of your statements, although a forum isn't always the best place to have a discussion. And as adoptive parents it's up to us to teach our kids that they will encounter ideas that are hurtful and wrong - just like there are a whole lot of ideas about other things that are hurtful and wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 but for kids in the foster care system it is the best thing for them and should happen as early and as quickly as possible. Really, for those kids what is the alternative? I absolutely believe this is true for those whose parents have already had rights terminated. It is also true for those headed in that direction. However, one thing that has driven me CRAZY on boards and blogs is to see people hoping, two weeks into a placement, that this is their forever child. Really, it is *best* for children to be raised by mediocre biological parents (and there really are some GREAT ones out there) than be a great adoptive family. As mentioned further up in the thread, these children and families have been dealt a HUGE blow that will follow them for a life time. If at all possible, it is beneficial to not put them through that. I can't offer the children some things biology can! But the other side of that is that children need permenancy as soon as humanly possible. A biological mother cannot take four years to try to get her act together. It isn't good for the child to be in limbo so long. The other part of that is that the cute little 4 yr old will have a harder time getting a forever family at 8 and that is even more true if the child is a minority and/or a boy and WAY more true if he is both a minority and male. It is so sad. If it were up to me, we'd only take school-aged boys. But it is a partnership here so we have both boys and girls....though we are now only taking school-aged kids now except for respite. I just want to say that part of what you agree to when you foster is that you'll support reunification with parents or kin. That really *is* best for the kids... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 But the other side of that is that children need permenancy as soon as humanly possible. A biological mother cannot take four years to try to get her act together. It isn't good for the child to be in limbo so long. The other part of that is that the cute little 4 yr old will have a harder time getting a forever family at 8 and that is even more true if the child is a minority and/or a boy and WAY more true if he is both a minority and male. It is so sad. :iagree: Part of what makes me so passionate for adoption through the foster care system is seeing 18 year old kids age out of the system and then what is there for them? Sure, they may maintain contact with a loving foster family, but no matter what the ties are, it is not a "forever family". And I know personally a woman who was raised in the system, aged out, joined a gang, and had her own children removed from her care. And you are right that the older a kid is, the less adoptable they are. And I don't think it's always because parents want a "cute little baby." The younger the child the less baggage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy in C-ville Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 I have been to Sara's blog, many times! :) I will also check out the other one--thank you! Thanks so much! Lots of fun reading tonight. :D :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy in C-ville Posted January 13, 2012 Share Posted January 13, 2012 Thanks for these links! We're considering adopting from Ethiopia or possibly somewhere else in Africa someday. You're welcome! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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