Poll: Are your family arguments repressed or knock-down-drag-out?

[Jean in Newcastle]

After my civil, repressed fight at noon with my mother, which I know will be stewed over by her for the next five years, I was wondering how your extended family fights go. I was glad, I think, to realize that while my dd and I can fight like cats and dogs at times, we get it all out and then hug and make up.

Edited December 11, 2011 by Jean in Newcastle

[SKL]

Well, I try to be the peacemaker most of the time. But I have to say, in the rare case family gets into a fight, it's loud, probably because these things only happen when some folks have been enjoying alcohol for a while. The last one I was involved in was Thanksgiving 2009.

[MamaT]

We fight it out, get it over with, and forget about it. Dh's family are so repressed and never say what they really mean. They hold grudges and bad-mouth whoever happens to not be in the room. Lots of passive-aggressive stuff too.

 

I hurt my dh's feelings many times when we first got married because I didn't just think it, I said it. He finally realized it was over when it was over and I loved him just as much. Now he joins right in.

 

Sorry about the argument with your mom. :grouphug:

[TravelingChris]

Okay I didn't vote because I didn't understand the poll. Do you mean that you and your dad come to physical blows or just that you actually scream at each other. Because I interpret no holds barred as allowing physical which we don't do and I don't think most here do.

[Tap]

Members in my family don't fight, they just B*tch about people behind others backs. Anytime there is any disagreement that actually involves verbal/written exchanges, there is never a resolution, they just get to an impasse that leaves people not talking for years.

 

 

I hate it. Seriously, just disagree, hash it out, and be done with it!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Okay I didn't vote because I didn't understand the poll. Do you mean that you and your dad come to physical blows or just that you actually scream at each other. Because I interpret no holds barred as allowing physical which we don't do and I don't think most here do.

 

Heavens! No, not physical! To me, with my repressed upbringing, raising your voice and saying what you actually mean is no holds barred!

[QuirkyKapers]

Fights in are extended family fall under passive aggressive: I will get back at you because I am mad about something I never told you about OR If I say something nice first, than I can cut you down OR I can just make a sarcastic comment to let you know what an idiot you are...

 

That is not how it is in the family I am raising now.

Edited December 11, 2011 by QuirkyKapers

[Ravin]

A couple of days ago, my father and I got into an email argument and now he's not speaking to me.

[sparrow]

I voted "it depends". There are no holds barred between my dad and I when fighting, but I rarely fight with anyone else. I'm a "lay it all out on the table" kind of gal, so no passive-aggressive stuff going on here

[annandatje]

Heavens! No, not physical! To me, with my repressed upbringing, raising your voice and saying what you actually mean is no holds barred!

 

:iagree: I assumed that physical fighting was not part of the "no holds barred..." choice.

[Heather in Neverland]

Everyone in my family has their own special broom with which one sweeps all things unpleasant under the official family rug.:glare:

[annandatje]

Usually for us, the anger ceases when the squabble ends or shortly thereafter. Fortunately none of us are grudge holders or ancient historians.

[SKL]

I forgot about the in-laws. Well, one particular SIL. I tend to find out long after the "fact" that I allegedly did something wrong. For example, 10 years ago, she was horrified by something my sibling did during an extended family outing, and vowed to never let me take her kid anywhere again (not that I ever tried). I found out several years later, and the funny thing is that I wasn't even involved in the evil plot that so angered her. She will also take whatever I say and twist it into an insult against her kids / grandkids, and then report to my brother that I said xxx, which I never even intended to imply. Who knows what she's hating me for nowadays. She is always so friendly to my face.

[Rosie_0801]

It definitely depends who it is.

 

But what need is there for fights if one follows the rules?

 

Rule one: Don't say anything certain persons might disagree with.

Rule two: Don't ask questions that could lead to self reflection in any way, even the smallest and most innocuous.

Rule three: Where possible, don't talk at all.

 

 

My dad has informed me that he wants to have a conversation with me on Christmas day. This will be a problem because he is one of those people with whom I try to abide by the above rules. This is a person who asked if I was afraid of people and walked off shaking his head at my self delusion when I said I wasn't. I live with me. I'd know, right? Most of my relatives will either be offended and stop speaking to me for a while then pretend/forget anything happened, shout at me or insist we should speak again when we're not upset. As if we will ever not be upset about something upsetting. Brooms and rugs have their place... Especially with "ancient historians" like my dad.

 

 

Rosie

Edited December 11, 2011 by Rosie_0801

[Ester Maria]

Loudly and passionately, like everything else we do. :D

 

Without holding grudges, normally. We tend to forget about it or laugh about it later.

 

There is a particular type of personality I have never clicked with - the oversensitive, "walk on eggshells around me" type of person, who combines that oversensitivity with an inability to let it go, i.e. with an inclination towards long term resentment over most trivial things, bringing up past arguments, etc. I am SO thankful that there is nobody older than ten in my more immediate family with this personality profile! That kind of people drive. me. nuts. I know that it is a legitimate human disposition - just like mine is - but I simply cannot click with that type of people at all. The touchiness and the pettiness put together (oh, and the lack of sense of humor which typically enters the mix too) positively bring out the worst out of me. I cannot function at all with people with whom I have to carefully weigh every word I say, because I know they are likely to turn it against me six months later in an unrelated event, and with whom I cannot fight comme il faut, with our true sentiments to their true intensivity and their true foolishness, if need be, but rather have to be "proper" in concealing things, hissing, etc. Now I am thinking of some people I know :lol:, so thankful they are not in my family.

[The Girls' Mom]

My dh's family is pretty civilized about it all. Of course, there is a lot of stewing and backhanded comments involved, but it is over all rather quiet.

 

My mom's side...sheesh. It is all out war at times. There have been brawls that would make WWF look tame. Jerry Springer stuff.

 

My dad's side...I don't think they fight? :confused:

 

Honestly, I prefer the quiet fights..lol.

[nukeswife]

I voted other because in DH family, you generally just look the other way and keep your thoughts to yourself, occasionally there is talking behind someones back.

 

In my family we can really get into a roar, we yell, scream, etc but there is never anything physical, but it's also not over when that's all done. Most of the time there is then a grudge than can be held onto for decades, and of course along with that grudge comes the bad mouthing behind the persons back I hate it. If you have a problem with someone get it out there, and don't tell me, tell the person your ticked off with.

[redsquirrel]

I dunno. We don't really fight. DH and I generally get along with each other and have never really had an argument. My mom, sister and I might disagree over something but nothing major. It might flare up for a moment but then it is forgotten. My ILs are sort of jerks but I would have nothing to gain by arguing with them so I just smile and then complain to DH who agress, then we laugh about it.

 

I don't think we are repressed but there doesn't seem to be any yelling. I wouldn't stand for being yelled at by anyone and I don't do it to anyone. I would not stand for being called names and I don't do it to anyone else.

 

If someone did yell at me or call names etc they would be told to leave. I don't let my kids behave that way and I will not accept it from adults.

[LaxMom]

We fight it out, get it over with, and forget about it. Dh's family are so repressed and never say what they really mean. They hold grudges and bad-mouth whoever happens to not be in the room. Lots of passive-aggressive stuff too.

 

I hurt my dh's feelings many times when we first got married because I didn't just think it, I said it. He finally realized it was over when it was over and I loved him just as much. Now he joins right in.

 

Sorry about the argument with your mom. :grouphug:

 

Same here. It took my husband about 10 years to figure out we were not going to divorce every time I was annoyed with him because his family never, ever acknowledges anything unhappy, except when they're euphemistically discussing someone not present. It's disturbing.

[Rosie_0801]

because I know they are likely to turn it against me six months later in an unrelated event,

 

Amateurs. My relatives will bring up those things 20 years later. My dad is still bringing up things I did when I was 5 and was still on about the apple pies my mother didn't make, 12 years after they'd divorced and she'd been happily living with someone else for 8 years.:rolleyes:

 

When dh and I are, uh, discussing problems, he says I'm like a terrier with a rat and I won't let go until it's well and truly dead. True, but unflattering. I just don't know how not solving a problem ever solved the problem. I confess I get loud. I still don't think the poor chap understands I can think while I'm emotional. And who says I'm upset, or that it matters if I am? Maybe I'm just enthusiastic!

 

Rosie

Edited December 11, 2011 by Rosie_0801

[dragons in the flower bed]

I don't think we are repressed but there doesn't seem to be any yelling.

 

Yeah, that. I'm trying to think of the last time the adults in my extended family disagreed angrily, and I just can't. Repressed? Conflict avoidant? I donno. I think we just take responsibility for our own opinions and don't expect the rest of our family to agree with us. There's no option for "we have a couple of grumpy relatives and the rest of us shrug their stuff off without negative feeling."

[Ester Maria]

Amateurs. My relatives will bring up those things 20 years later.

:001_huh:

Okay, they win.

[HappyCrazyMama]

Other. I don't recall any fights or arguments. Is this really common? I remember my mom and grandmother fighting once and not talking for a few months, that's the only argument/fight I can recall.

[Splinter]

Between my brothers, father and I, it's no-holds-barred. When we were younger, my mother kicked us out of the house as soon as an argument started so we wouldn't break anything!

 

If my mother or sisters get involved, it's more of a civil conversation followed by the silent treatment.

[SweetMissMagnolia]

try to keep all arguements away from kiddo but he picks up when I'm mad at dh......

[SKL]

I still don't think the poor chap understands I can think while I'm emotional. And who says I'm upset, or that it matters if I am? Maybe I'm just enthusiastic!

 

Rosie

 

My friend seems to think that if I get a little animated (usually in defense of being accused of something I disagree with), I must hate her, and she will not let the matter go until I am calm, smiling, and apologizing for "yelling." Even if I did not actually raise my voice. Why, just raising my eyebrows a certain way can be interpreted as attacking. As much as I feel dishonest doing it, I have been known to apologize just so I can move on and get my work done.

[KidsHappen]

Depends on the stress level. There are very few issues with extended family but managing a house full of girls that all have PMS at the same time can be rough.

[Miss Cornelia Snook]

My family doesn't fight. DH's family is more the repressed style. We are not Jerry Springer style at all. I do have a SIL who is exactly the type that a PP described--very touchy, holds grudges. She is one serious piece of work. I do admit that I have lovely visions of dancing on the casket at her funeral. ;)

[Parrothead]

I don't see my extended family enough to fight with them.

[anabelneri]

Amateurs. My relatives will bring up those things 20 years later. My dad is still bringing up things I did when I was 5 and was still on about the apple pies my mother didn't make, 12 years after they'd divorced and she'd been happily living with someone else for 8 years.:rolleyes:

 

 

Aaah, my dad is like yours. He still makes fun of me for having a tantrum after losing a game of Candy Land when I was 4. He liked to tell my boyfriends about that when I was in high school. He's not talking to me right now, but I'm about to spend a couple days with my folks so we'll see how that goes. :001_huh:

 

With my dh, now... he's a psychologist. He does a lot of couples counseling. So our arguments are full of "I" statements and sharing how we feel, taking breaks when we get too angry... like a therapist would tell you to do it. It's good fun.

 

:)

[In2why]

We are a let it all hang out type of family, most of the time and rarely hold grudges, except for my mothers husband I won't even call him my Step-Dad. ((shudder)) He is a jerk and most of the family barely tolerates him, but we basically just try to avoid him and bite out tongues because we don't want to upset my Mom. Also I am afraid that if I ever do lose it with him, it will be a scorch the earth type of event.

[Garga]

Other. We don't fight.

 

Once, in the almost 20 years I've been married, I was very rude to my MIL and made her cry. I apologized, she said, "We won't think about it again," and that was that.

 

My parents are terrified of conflict, so won't bring up anything that might lead to it.

 

My dh and I are both very logical people and very much Not prone to displays of emotion. We also see eye-to-eye on pretty much everything, so conflict doesn't naturally arise very often. When it does, we try to speak persuasively to each other to bring the other person to our own state of mind. We certainly do not raise our voices or cross any lines (like name calling, or physical attacks, or tossing items around the house.) Our arguments get resolved very quickly and when it's over, it's over. Neither he nor I hold grudges.

 

No gossiping behind anyone's back.

Edited December 12, 2011 by Garga