A vent about my friend's birthday experience

[Allearia]

Someone who isn't me has a birthday this month a week before her husband's birthday. Here is how they spent their birthdays this year.

 

Wife: Husband went to work. She homeschools her two young sons. That morning, she worked at home on her part time job, then from 1230 to 720 drove her sons around to activities. In between she bought herself a cake at the grocery store, knowing from experience the previous twelve years that if she didn't get one nobody would. At 730 she picked her husband up at the train station, went to get takeout food from Panda Express using money she got from her mom for her birthday. She got a very nice expensive box of chocolates as a gift from her husband.

 

Husband: Took the day off work, slept in until 10. His wife got up early and had the two kids make cards, and she wrapped up a t-shirt they had previously bought. At noon, they went out to a nice lunch at one of the husband's favorite restaurants, then went to the store and bought a 40" flat screen TV with Google TV built in. The TV was theoretically a group birthday/Christmas present. They went home, and wife went out and took the older son to a class in another city from 430 to 630. When she got home she spent the evening helping her husband put together and install the TV. The next day at work, the husband got taken out to lunch in San Francisco by his coworkers. They gave him a hard time about not having gotten a birthday cake, and the husband told the wife. The wife said that he doesn't like cake that much and he had complained the cake she bought had too much frosting. He responded that he had told her about a certain kind of cake his mom used to make and she could have made that.

 

My friend is a bit upset and hurt, she would have loved to make the cake but since they were out all day going to lunch, buying a TV and taking their son to class until 630 at time didn't have time.

 

What would you tell her? How can she get over feeling things are a bit uneven and make sure she is taken care of next year?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't know if I would recommend this but one year my dh overheard me crying on the phone to a good friend about the non-existent birthday plans for my birthday. He's always stepped up to the plate in some way since. My last 3 birthdays have been wonderful because dd9 has taken it on herself to organize my birthdays. She starts reminding dh a month before my birthday and they give me a very nice time.

[joannqn]

I've taken the stance that if you want something special then make it known and/or make it happen. If I want a party or special meal or cake then I plan the party, cook the meal, or bake the cake how I want it. In our house, that means I often have a better birthday than DH. Without his input, I'll make him a nicer than typical dinner and a cake. I won't put together a party or buy a gift without his input.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

If she doesn't want to take the steps to make her wishes known then it is not likely to change. It's not up to YOU, it's up to HER. This is between her and her dh.

 

Sorry, I misunderstood. I thought you were wanting to talk to her dh about it. She should say to her dh, "how did you think I would have time to bake this cake you wanted if I didn't know that AND we spent so much time on the TV? Please articulate what you want. I cannot read your mind". Honestly, that is a common pet peeve of men, that women say things like, "I thought you would know" instead of just coming out and saying it.

 

She needs to TELL him that he just needs to TELL her!

Edited November 24, 2011 by ThatCyndiGirl

[KJB]

I recommend she give her husband a checklist a few weeks before her birthday including a timetable of when he needs to do what (like "Monday before birthday- order pink champagne cake from Betty's Bakery").

 

Phone numbers for the bakery and the florist as well as a list of possible gifts might be a good footnote.

 

She needs to communicate in clear terms. She shouldn't compare his to hers, instead she should focus on getting what she needs to feel good. If he's dissatisfied, he can make his own checklist. :D

 

I don't think she should focus on the past, but rather she should focus on next time how she can help him meet her needs. Once he's clued in to what she wants, they'll hopefully establish some habits and traditions which will repeat annually. She should probably save the checklist in a Word file just in case....:lol:

Edited November 24, 2011 by KJB

[Parker Martin]

She needs to tell him.

 

"This is what my birthday requires at a minimum..."

 

Then list it out. Could be cake, special dinner, cards from all immediate family members, and singing the birthday song. Or whatever her non-negotiables are.

[mommaduck]

Someone who isn't me has a birthday this month a week before her husband's birthday. Here is how they spent their birthdays this year.

 

Wife: Husband went to work. She homeschools her two young sons. That morning, she worked at home on her part time job, then from 1230 to 720 drove her sons around to activities. In between she bought herself a cake at the grocery store, knowing from experience the previous twelve years that if she didn't get one nobody would. At 730 she picked her husband up at the train station, went to get takeout food from Panda Express using money she got from her mom for her birthday. She got a very nice expensive box of chocolates as a gift from her husband.

 

Husband: Took the day off work, slept in until 10. His wife got up early and had the two kids make cards, and she wrapped up a t-shirt they had previously bought. At noon, they went out to a nice lunch at one of the husband's favorite restaurants, then went to the store and bought a 40" flat screen TV with Google TV built in. The TV was theoretically a group birthday/Christmas present. They went home, and wife went out and took the older son to a class in another city from 430 to 630. When she got home she spent the evening helping her husband put together and install the TV. The next day at work, the husband got taken out to lunch in San Francisco by his coworkers. They gave him a hard time about not having gotten a birthday cake, and the husband told the wife. The wife said that he doesn't like cake that much and he had complained the cake she bought had too much frosting. He responded that he had told her about a certain kind of cake his mom used to make and she could have made that.

 

My friend is a bit upset and hurt, she would have loved to make the cake but since they were out all day going to lunch, buying a TV and taking their son to class until 630 at time didn't have time.

 

What would you tell her? How can she get over feeling things are a bit uneven and make sure she is taken care of next year?

IF I were her, I would show him this list and then ask him, when did you want me to make the cake? When was he planning on making it for her? Anything else?

 

Honestly, THIS is one reason that DH and I don't make a huge deal about birthdays (or anniversaries). Seriously, at some point you WILL be let down. If it's not a big deal, then everyone can laugh over it at some point. If you're too darn poor to do anything other than say Happy Birthday, then it's okay. DH and I usually don't forget birthdays, but we usually don't do anything for each other (we do for the kids, but it's VERY lowkey, much like my family has always been). We've taken turns forgetting our anniversary and have both forgotten some years until the day after. We no longer forget only due to one of the children having their birthday on that day now as well.

 

All I can say is that it shouldn't be a competitive thing, people shouldn't be overly hurt in general (and it sounds like she has done a good job rolling with it till THIS), etc. But yes, that husband responded in a jerkish manner. How dare he bring up his mother's cake after not doing squat for his wife.

[Allearia]

Thank you all for some good suggestions. She was actually feeling pretty good about the whole thing until he brought up her not making a cake. After having not much on her own birthday, her husbands seemed pretty great in comparison. Oh well, she will get over it.

[nono]

Seriously, my first reaction for your friend's husband is "Oh boo hoo."

 

But, my second reaction is, "What is wrong with both of them?" They are in a marriage, with birthdays a week apart, and they can't negotiate something out that pleases both of them? :confused:

 

My husband and I share birthdays in the same week. We talk about it every year -- what would work for both of us. No I don't get a big romantic surpirse. But I'm also not a Disney Princess, nor am I a dating 17 year old. If I were either of those, then yes, a big romantic surprise is totally appropriate. But living in the real, adult world, the only way I'm going to get what I want/need for my birthday is to respectfully speak up and discuss it with my husband.

 

Regardless, :grouphug: to your friend. Sometimes, things just sting, even though logically, they shouldn't.

[mommaduck]

Seriously, my first reaction for your friend's husband is "Oh boo hoo."

 

But, my second reaction is, "What is wrong with both of them?" They are in a marriage, with birthdays a week apart, and they can't negotiate something out that pleases both of them? :confused:

 

My husband and I share birthdays in the same week. We talk about it every year -- what would work for both of us. No I don't get a big romantic surpirse. But I'm also not a Disney Princess, nor am I a dating 17 year old. If I were either of those, then yes, a big romantic surprise is totally appropriate. But living in the real, adult world, the only way I'm going to get what I want/need for my birthday is to respectfully speak up and discuss it with my husband.

 

Regardless, :grouphug: to your friend. Sometimes, things just sting, even though logically, they shouldn't.

Yep, this is where I'm wondering if they are having expectations, but lack communication. As my husband likes to say, "You need to tell me; I'm not a mind reader and I'm too tired to guess."

[kalanamak]

We don't do grown up's birthdays. They are a day like any other. We are fine by that (and probably better off emotionally, financially, and calorically.)

[elegantlion]

My first reaction would be to tell him to frost the d*** TV and eat it. :glare:

 

I went through a period of about 5 year of really awful things happening on or near my birthday. Things that demanded all our attention. Gifts is my love language, so I always give a list, and I sit back and expect a certain amount of attention. I'm not above reminding people either. Dh understands that importance. It just one day out of the year that I'm special. I agree on the communication.

Edited November 24, 2011 by elegantlion

[Moxie]

I think we teach people how to treat us. If she is unhappy with the way her husband treats her, she should, at the very least, tell him instead of her friends. If her wishes are well-known by him and nothing is done, then she is either married to an ogre or he just doesn't care and she is better off knowing that.

[i.love.lucy]

I think the issue here is thoughtfulness.

 

Women are often the dreamers, thinkers, planners and special-makers. I have known for YEARS that there would be no decorating, planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc, for holidays and birthdays if it weren't for me.

 

Like Paula said, there is ONE day I am special. Or, can't we set aside ONE day where I am special? Can't someone think of me, just for one day? Can't they think about all I do for them, all I plan and prepare, all the love and thoughtfulness that goes in to what I do for birthdays/holidays, and just ONCE per year do that for me? Do I really need to spell it out for them with a list? They somehow don't need to tell me how to treat them special. I know because I love them and think of them and care for them every day. I know what makes their hearts soar. How come they don't know that about me? I say they, but really I mean *he*. DD is just now approaching the age where she could prompt her dad.

 

I get how your friend feels. I don't have a solution. It would totally ruin the *making me feel special* thing if I had to hand them a list and say "do these things for me today".:glare:

[Mommyof4ks]

We joke that men need lots of dots close together with a big thick black line connecting them. :lol: it seems the smarter the man the more dots that are needed. :lol:

 

My dh is wonderful if I spell things out, but I cannot even drop hints, because he will miss them. PP mentioned a checklist, that works very well. If he was thoughtful enough to stop and get her chocolates, then he probably would have picked up a cake if she gave him a note to do so. as you mentioned in a later post, she will likely get over it, and she has probably learned from it too.

[4littleones]

Seriously, my first reaction for your friend's husband is "Oh boo hoo."

 

But, my second reaction is, "What is wrong with both of them?" They are in a marriage, with birthdays a week apart, and they can't negotiate something out that pleases both of them? :confused:

 

My husband and I share birthdays in the same week. We talk about it every year -- what would work for both of us. No I don't get a big romantic surpirse. But I'm also not a Disney Princess, nor am I a dating 17 year old. If I were either of those, then yes, a big romantic surprise is totally appropriate. But living in the real, adult world, the only way I'm going to get what I want/need for my birthday is to respectfully speak up and discuss it with my husband.

 

Regardless, :grouphug: to your friend. Sometimes, things just sting, even though logically, they shouldn't.

 

 

:iagree: Totally!

[Hedgehog]

My first reaction would be to tell him to frost the d*** TV and eat it. :glare:

 

:lol: that really made me laugh!! :lol:

 

 

I think the issue here is thoughtfulness.

 

Women are often the dreamers, thinkers, planners and special-makers. I have known for YEARS that there would be no decorating, planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc, for holidays and birthdays if it weren't for me.

 

Like Paula said, there is ONE day I am special. Or, can't we set aside ONE day where I am special? Can't someone think of me, just for one day? Can't they think about all I do for them, all I plan and prepare, all the love and thoughtfulness that goes in to what I do for birthdays/holidays, and just ONCE per year do that for me? Do I really need to spell it out for them with a list? They somehow don't need to tell me how to treat them special. I know because I love them and think of them and care for them every day. I know what makes their hearts soar. How come they don't know that about me? I say they, but really I mean *he*. DD is just now approaching the age where she could prompt her dad.

 

I get how your friend feels. I don't have a solution. It would totally ruin the *making me feel special* thing if I had to hand them a list and say "do these things for me today".:glare:

 

:iagree: especially with the bolded.

[Jennifer3141]

I have the WORST husband at holidays and celebrations. If I told you all how he ruined my 40th birthday, you would all tell me to dump him.

 

But he's a great person. He just sucks when it comes to this.

 

So I plan my own stuff and buy my own gifts and make my own dinner and cake plans.

 

He once gave me a microwave grilled cheese sandwich maker for my birthday. A microwaved grilled cheese truly is as awful as you can imagine. Nor had I ever mentioned a passion for grilled cheese sandwiches. And honestly? That was the best gift he has ever given me. :lol:

 

I wish he was better at this stuff. But he's not. So I got ever it. And I at least always get what I want. :001_smile:

[QueenCat]

I've taken the stance that if you want something special then make it known and/or make it happen. If I want a party or special meal or cake then I plan the party, cook the meal, or bake the cake how I want it. In our house, that means I often have a better birthday than DH. Without his input, I'll make him a nicer than typical dinner and a cake. I won't put together a party or buy a gift without his input.

 

Well said. If we don't make our wishes known in advance, we can't hope to have them fulfilled. And if we hope to fill others wishes, we might need to nudge them for suggestions. That doesn't mean we can necessarily fulfill all of them but we try, if practical.

[nd293]

If I want something done for my birthday, I do it myself. And if I don't want things to be uneven, I don't do more for dh than I do for myself / want him to do for me. This year I bought a voucher for a meal out, some time before my birthday, and saved it so we could all go out without me feeling like it was some ridiculous expense (which takes the fun out of it for me). I told dh that I would be sharing the wine at dinner, so he settled for one glass to my 2.5 glasses. When we got home I took myself off to bed to relax with a book, leaving the bedtime routine to him. He also slept in ds's room so I could have the luxury of lying in bed reading and watching TV as long and late as I wanted. It was pretty much perfect, by my expectations, which have admittedly been much curtailed by years of marriage and parenting!

[jubilation]

My DH doesn't make much of a big deal about my birthday. So I just buy myself whatever I've been wanting, guilt-free (normally I don't spend money on myself), and tell him that is my birthday present. He's great about being considerate and buying me little things throughout the year, so it doesn't really bother me. If he were inconsiderate year round, my feelings would be more hurt.

 

My birthday is next week. A few hours ago, I bought myself three Kindle books, guilt-free. Happy birthday to me! :lol:

[Cassy]

She was actually feeling pretty good about the whole thing until he brought up her not making a cake.

 

Yes, the cake thing would have been what would have tipped me over the edge. DH wouldn't have dared. He's never been that great about birthdays, but I've trained him up fairly well by now and he does make quite an effort these days. If I'd got the comment about the cake though, I'd have told him to go get mommy make and frost his cake for him, and why not take his suitcase with him while he's at it. I can be shamefully brutal when riled.

[pageta]

Okay, here is what I see. Take a look at HIS birthday. What part of it did she plan and execute? HE planned to take the day off work and arranged it. HE stayed in bed until 10:00. HE decided to go out and buy a tv as his birthday gift. HE decided what restaurant to go to. If she wants to celebrate her birthday like that, SHE needs to plan it.

 

So to me it just sounds like he did a better job planning something special and enjoying it while she just treated it like a regular old day and felt sorry for herself and bought a cake. She could certainly arrange to have lunch with a couple other homeschool moms on the weekend to celebrate her birthday (like him going out to lunch with his co-workers) if that's important to her. She could pick a restaurant to celebrate her birthday at and tell the family that is where they are having that meal.

 

It sounds to me like he's a little better at looking out for himself than she is. That's all. She needs to decide that SHE is important and make it a point to do something SHE enjoys on HER birthday - whatever that is. It doesn't have to be anything like she did. But if you compare the two birthdays, I think the blame is mostly in HER court, not his - she didn't do much for his birthday either unless he specifically asked for it.

[i.love.lucy]

Pageta, you make an excellent point! I was responding to the general *feel sorry for myself because no one is as thoughtful as I am* thing. Mostly because of all the work done yesterday to pull together the big family Thanksgiving. I still stand behind that because I do think a lot of times when WE are the ones to be thoughtful to others and the are not thoughtful in return it can feel hurtful.

 

But in the case you are so right!! He just unashamedly did what he wanted to do for his birthday.

[PiCO]

Thank you all for some good suggestions. She was actually feeling pretty good about the whole thing until he brought up her not making a cake. After having not much on her own birthday, her husbands seemed pretty great in comparison. Oh well, she will get over it.

 

I'm with previous posters who say she needs to communicate her wants, but I do agree about the cake comment.

 

I think if I were her, I would bring it up in a humorous kind of way. He did not really even think of the cake until his co-workers brought it up... it's probably a grass is always greener thing.

 

She can tell him- "Hey, I've been thinking about birthday cakes lately. If you want next year, I will make you the cake your mom made, and you can go buy me my favorite cake at the fabulous bakery in San Francisco."

 

Also, can they have his birthday day off be a celebration of both their birthdays?

[PiCO]

We don't do grown up's birthdays. They are a day like any other. We are fine by that (and probably better off emotionally, financially, and calorically.)

 

I don't have a big celebration for my birthday (well, I might for my 50th...) but I do want a thoughtful gift. I used to put it on the calendar and remind dh well in advance what I expected, and made him think of a gift himself. He was really good at it! And I did not ever want anything for Valentine's Day (two weeks from by birthday.)

 

Now I tell my kids they need to get or do something thoughtful for me, and I do the same for them.

 

But we don't go out to dinner or have cake, parties, etc. like we do for children's birthdays. I have a lot of younger employees, and some of them seem to want their birthday week off.

[MIch elle]

I think we teach people how to treat us. If she is unhappy with the way her husband treats her, she should, at the very least, tell him instead of her friends. If her wishes are well-known by him and nothing is done, then she is either married to an ogre or he just doesn't care and she is better off knowing that.

 

:iagree: Tell her to stop being a door mat and TELL her husband how she feels! If he still does nothing, then do nothing for him and create her own birthday celebration.

[Homemama2]

Okay, here is what I see. Take a look at HIS birthday. What part of it did she plan and execute? HE planned to take the day off work and arranged it. HE stayed in bed until 10:00. HE decided to go out and buy a tv as his birthday gift. HE decided what restaurant to go to. If she wants to celebrate her birthday like that, SHE needs to plan it.

 

So to me it just sounds like he did a better job planning something special and enjoying it while she just treated it like a regular old day and felt sorry for herself and bought a cake. She could certainly arrange to have lunch with a couple other homeschool moms on the weekend to celebrate her birthday (like him going out to lunch with his co-workers) if that's important to her. She could pick a restaurant to celebrate her birthday at and tell the family that is where they are having that meal.

 

It sounds to me like he's a little better at looking out for himself than she is. That's all. She needs to decide that SHE is important and make it a point to do something SHE enjoys on HER birthday - whatever that is. It doesn't have to be anything like she did. But if you compare the two birthdays, I think the blame is mostly in HER court, not his - she didn't do much for his birthday either unless he specifically asked for it.

__________________

 

:iagree: I would have been pretty ticked off about that cake comment, but there is no reason she shouldn' t do something special for her birthday. There is no reason they couldn't take the day off of school, have the kids help her make her bday cake and tell DH a couple of days ahead of time that if he plans on having dinner that night, then he can plan on taking her to such-and-such a restaurant ;) (said nicely.) We do this and it's fun. Last year, I told the kids, that instead of school that day we were going to make a cake and go to Barnes and Nobles and get hot chocolates and look at books.

[Susan in TN]

Do you live nearby? Maybe the two of you can plan ahead for next year - make sure the entire family knows the plan (i.e. mom won't be available to play taxi driver) and either do something nice together &/or together with the family.

 

But I completely understand wanting others to make you feel special on your birthday simply because, well, they love and appreciate you. If it's something you have to orchestrate yourself it loses some of it's meaning. "Happy Birthday to Me" is a pretty lonely song.

 

Sounds like dh is a bit of a spoiled momma's boy :tongue_smilie:.

[Haiku]

What would you tell her? How can she get over feeling things are a bit uneven and make sure she is taken care of next year?

 

Next year she needs to make sure her birthday is treated specially. If she knows from 12 (now 13) years of experience that it's not going to happen unless she does it, then she needs to do it. Honestly, if my kids had 7 hours of activities on my birthday, I'd tell them, "Sorry, it's mom's birthday, it's not business as usual."

 

I had a completely sucky birthday five years ago. I told my husband that would never happen again, and we work together to make sure out birthdays are special.

 

Tara

[Haiku]

Okay, here is what I see. Take a look at HIS birthday. What part of it did she plan and execute? HE planned to take the day off work and arranged it. HE stayed in bed until 10:00. HE decided to go out and buy a tv as his birthday gift. HE decided what restaurant to go to. If she wants to celebrate her birthday like that, SHE needs to plan it.

 

So to me it just sounds like he did a better job planning something special and enjoying it while she just treated it like a regular old day and felt sorry for herself and bought a cake.

 

Exactly my thoughts, more eloquently explained.

 

Tara

[annandatje]

...My friend is a bit upset and hurt, she would have loved to make the cake but since they were out all day going to lunch, buying a TV and taking their son to class until 630 at time didn't have time.

 

What would you tell her? How can she get over feeling things are a bit uneven and make sure she is taken care of next year?

 

I would tell her to tell her husband exactly what she expects to happen on her birthday instead of sitting back passively and then moping because things did not work out way she wants. She should put her wishes in writing a month or so ahead of time and tape to refrigerator. Then follow up a few days prior to her birthday with email reminder to husband. If husband cannot or will not abide with her hopefully clear instructions, she should indulge herself.

[DusksAngel]

My initial reaction would be to bake the darn cake "his mother made him" and then shove it in his face. (I wouldn't actually do it, but the dreaming of it would make me happy).

 

What I WOULD do is plan to take my birthday off next year. I'd let him know that I wasn't going to be available next year and to plan to take that day off to be with the kids. I would then plan a day all about me.

[Stacia]

Since she had to see to getting her own cake, it seems like he could have done the same (and made his own cake using his mom's recipe, if that was what he wanted or going to buy his own cake at a bakery he likes). I think he's being selfish mentioning the cake thing, imo, esp. since he apparently didn't 'go out the way' to do anything for his wife's birthday.

 

And, I agree w/ those who have said that next year, she needs to tell her dh to take off work on her birthday & then she can plan whatever type of day she wants (either spending w/ her dh & kids or spending out w/ 'alone time').

[abbeyej]

This sounds like a communication issue, not a "birthday" issue. They both have expectations that they are not expressing well, and neither is placing the other's needs at the forefront. Each needs to express clearly what he or she wants from a birthday -- what would make them feel special and cherished and yet still fit in the family's schedule / budget -- and then they each need to make an effort to make the other's birthday special. It's not a matter of what each of them could or should have done -- it's a matter that neither seems to know what the other expects, both are disappointed without having been *clear* about what would make them feel cherished, and both are hurt from past years so maybe they're each being a bit passive-aggressive with the other.

[JeneralMom]

DH's b-day is at the end of summer so when we were students it was right after we got our loan money. I was able to get some gifts for him (usually school related like new clothes or devices for class/teaching) and have a nice dinner/cake. My b-day is in December so we had run through our loan money, were saving for X-mas and for DS6's b-day which is the day after mine. Basically, I was lost in the seasonal shuffle. So, we ended up just deciding not to do anything for each other's b-day to make it more even. It made both of us feel bad, so this year we decided that we would actually get a sitter, pick a movie and a restaurant (not tell the birthday person) and go on a date. It worked really well for DH's b-day and I am excited to see what he has planned for me. I know he is thinking of it because he reminded me this week to make sure our sitter can come either the weekend before or after my b-day. As an added bonus, our sitter is one of my tutorees, so she babysits for free as a b-day present.