confrontation. I. Can't. Do. It. and warning: I'm FUMING

[Denisemomof4]

I look like a freak if I have to confront someone. And Thursday we will have yet another meeting with the head swim coach, and this time her supervisor.

 

Monday was a really hard day for dd. She couldn't keep up with the class. Her weakness concerned me so much that I broke down and cried while sitting with the other parents. SO embarrassing, but one mom kept asking me questions and I tried so hard to hold it together. I couldn't.

 

What really ticked me off was the little brat who's been bullying my dd swam in top of her THREE times, intentionally just forcefully swam right up on top of her. I left the balcony, went downstairs and told dd to get out of the pool.

 

My dd was STRUGGLING. She kept taking breaks. This SNOT could care less about dd's issues, nor her B*tch of a mom, and just kept causing problems with her. Again. Dd said she did this five times, swimming on top of her until her backboard was at the top of dd's back. NOT a good thing to do when my dd was weak and couldn't catch her breath. Not a good thing to do at all, but especially not good to do to my dd. Dd told the little brat to stop, she didn't. It was obviously intentional and I find it hard to believe that none of the coaches noticed it. How I wish I had taken out my phone and taped it!

 

Then the head coach saw me and came to ask if I had any answers about dd's health, and she was concerned about dd being able to do routines. I understand all of that. No answers. But I started to address the issue with Brat face. She looked at me and said, 'And R. has never swam into someone before?" No, not tonight and NOT INTENTIONALLY. My heart started to beat so freakin fast.

 

If that wasn't bad enough, the phony coach, not brat's mother, wouldn't let dd rest. (The phony coach and B*tch coach have been working with the team since the beginning. ... six years? I have noticed a pattern. If one has an issue with someone or something, the other does. They are partners in crime. They are sneaky and they are b*tches that had the last coach kicked out.) Anyway, phony coach had dd practice her sculling - which meant dd was in the middle of the deep end of the pool. WHILE TOO WEAK, WHILE NOT BEING ABLE TO CATCH HER BREATH. I was p*ssed. When dd had to take a break the coach told her to do her work or get out of the pool. That ended the evening for dd. This phony coach then came into the locker room and talked to me like we were on a Sunday afternoon stroll in the park. I WAS P*SSED. I asked her if she had a problem with dd. Ever so sweetly she tells me no, then tells me she wanted her to press through her weakness and do her work. I sternly told her that it was DANGEROUS of her to send dd out into the deep end of the pool while she was so weak.

 

Now I know you all are going to tell me to have dd quit. I know you all probably saw my mini breakdown from being too busy. If we have to quit because we're too busy, I can handle that. If we have to quit because dd is too weak, we will do that. But we will NOT be quitting because of these bullying b*tches and their little brat. The REAL issue here is that dd LOVES synchro but is being forced out and treated badly, this by b*tches that KNOW she's sick and struggling. I swear to God I wish I could slap them across their faces. I'm FUMING as I type this out.

 

All of this started after they kicked the last coach out. I have absolutely NO idea why dd is the target.

 

This same coach who made her go to the deep end wouldn't allow my dd to eat during a competition last year and she nearly fainted. I found out about this after the fact and since there would be no more competitions, I also let this go. I purposed to make sure dd had regular breaks to eat at all competitions from there on out, first one being in a few weeks. Another time she wouldn't allow dd to get out of the pool when the heater was broken. This a couple years back. My dd is unlike the other kids on the team. SHE HAS ZERO BODY FAT. She was so sick from staying in the cold water, her lips were blue, she got a severe migraine, and I literally had to carry her home. No, I didn't report that. I know I should have and don't bash me for it PLEASE. My mom was dying at the time, in my home, I was her caretaker, and I was so overwhelmed that I just couldn't handle doing anything at the time. I did, however, tell the coaches to NEVER do this to dd again, and i've told dd numerous times NOT to stay in the pool if she's sick, weak, or too cold because the heater is broken.

 

I'm filing a formal report now, mentioning the previous two times just to show the pattern of this witch. That will happen on Thursday.

 

This is where I need help. If you have ANY suggestions, coping strategies, etc. Please help me. I have true panic attacks when I have to confront people. I've gotten much stronger, but because my emotions are so tied into all of this, I'm going to have a major panic attack. I almost had one last night when the coach asked about dd's dr appts!

 

On Thursday, the head coach has requested a meeting with my dh and I, along with her supervisor. My heart's been pounding ever since. I HATE CONFRONTATION. I'm SUCH an EXTROVERT. WHY can't I confront anyone without shaking like a leaf and crying... I don't know. But I can feel myself just being overwhelmed with emotion. I'm P*SSED that I have to stand up for my SICK dd, who may have to quit because we don't know why she can't keep up with swim. But to have to be BULLIED by a b*tch coach, her partner in crime now, AND her little brat? I'm FUMING. And I need to do this. I need to confront these issues head on.

 

HOW can I get through this confrontation? I just want to crawl under a rock and die. Seriously. I've not been so upset about a confrontation in so many years. I'm so worked up now that I know I'm going to be a mess on Thursday.

 

Is there ANYTHING you can say you've done to help yourself be stronger? I know other's have the same issues I do with confrontation. Please help me. Dh says I'm going to get emotional and I have to accept that. I don't want to go in crying from the start. If I'm not crying, I'll be shaking like a leaf.

 

BTW, dh was LIVID when he heard what happened to dd on Monday. He will be in this meeting, and I'm not so sure he's going to be very nice. He's HAD IT.

 

HELP!!! Tips? Advice? Coping strategies?

 

How stupid is it that I think of the Brady Bunch episode when one of the kids had to speak in front of the class and was a wreck. They imagined the audience in their underwear. I've even done THAT!!! :blushing:

 

why am I such a wimp? :angry:

 

ETA: Please no suggestions to leave. While it's likely it's going to happen regardless of dd's health, right now I'm p*ssed and we have to stand up for what's right. Even dd, who does NOT handle confrontation and has a very hard time standing up for herself, wants to see this through. We'll likely leave, but we're not leaving without exposing these cold hearted idiots.

Edited November 9, 2011 by Denisemomof4

[Denisemomof4]

ugh. I so need to edit and shorten that. I kept trying,.

 

sorry.:glare: I was up all night last night. I'm really starting to worry about dd, and I seriously want to ream these idiots right the heck out.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Denise - if there is ever a situation where your dh needs to go to a meeting either by himself or with you, this is it.

[Nakia]

Wow, I have no advice at all. I would be a mess too. I'm so sorry!! I'm sure the other wise mommas here will have some great suggestions. :grouphug:

[Hedgehog]

:grouphug: I don't have any great wisdom for you, but I don't like confrontation either. Especially when I'm emotionally invested. Hugs to you.

[bettyandbob]

Honestly? This has been an ongoing problem. I think it's time to start looking for a team that better fits your dd and your family. Another team may be inconvenient and require more driving, but this has not been a healthy environment to grow as an athlete and staying is not going to be good.

[Amy in NH]

Quit or go somewhere else. It's not gonna change. JMHO.

[LMD]

:hug: what an awful situation. :(

 

take some notes. write down in dot point what you want to say. I always get overwhelmed and railroaded in the moment, I need it in writing to keep my head straight.

 

Try to leave your DD at home - try to keep it adult ;), and really try and take someone to be your own support/witness.

[aggieamy]

People like that don't change. They continue being jerks. I'd find another fun activity and come to peace with the fact that they are the problem not you or your DD.

 

Or you could slash their tires in the parking lot. :)

[Joanne]

General help for the anxiety/confrontation:

 

• Role play with a trusted friend or family member.
   
  
• Visualize you handling the confrontation well. Truly think through everything, including where you are, what you are wearing, your words and how calm and well you handle it.
   
  
• Make affirmation notes for yourself that you can handle this, your dd deserves this, and you are in control
   
  

[justasque]

Honestly? This has been an ongoing problem. I think it's time to start looking for a team that better fits your dd and your family. Another team may be inconvenient and require more driving, but this has not been a healthy environment to grow as an athlete and staying is not going to be good.

 

:iagree:

[kalanamak]

Quit or go somewhere else. It's not gonna change. JMHO.

 

 

When I'm finally this angry about something, I know it is time to fold my tent and slip away. A huge bummer.

[PhotoGal]

I don't blame you for being upset. I would if this was happening to my child.

 

In your position, I would send dh and not go to the meeting myself. I would instead write a clear letter explaining what has happened and what the new guidelines need to be for your dd's safety. I would emphasize the safety aspects on all counts. The emphasis on safety is so they can see the universal problem, not the personal issues at hand. All of the swimmers should be able to eat when hungry, take a break when exhausted, etc. Give copies of the letter to the head coach and supervisor.

 

I don't know what health issues dd is struggling with. If it is a temporary thing, I would stress that at the meeting (or have dh stress that).

 

Is there any possibility of switching coaches? If so, I would request that as well.

 

After the meeting, you can see if anything has changed. If not, I would agree that you might want to look around for a new place for swimming.

 

If you do decide to go to the meeting, I would try to schedule it as far out as possible so you have time to get a clear head and strengthen your arguments. Try to be caught up on sleep, have a good meal with protein beforehand. Sometimes it helps me to imagine I'm watching the confrontation from the moon or something - like we are all tiny specks on the earth. I don't know if that will help you, though! Best of luck to you while you advocate for dd.

[elegantlion]

I hate confrontation, I understand. :grouphug: I think it is well beyond time for a sit down.

 

Role play, write down everything you want to bring up, you will not remember it all in the moment. Get into an agreement with dh on what will brought up, so you create a united front.

 

And if you lose it, really in the long term, so what? You're a human, this is your child. If dh loses it and gets loud, so what? They obviously have something against your dd or you, they don't have to like you, but if you decide to stay they'll will have to see you.

 

If you don't deal with it what's the worst? Your dd's health? Her self-esteem? Those are more important that what might happen in the meeting.

 

What's the absolute worst thing that can happen? You leave the team? They kick you off the team? They're probably not going to go slash your tires. I take my mind to the worst possible things, just because I do it before hand then I don't feel so nervous.

 

And when you go take something with a bee or yellow/black and take a bit of the hive with you. Go and bee, you can do it. Keep us updated. :grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

Denise - if there is ever a situation where your dh needs to go to a meeting either by himself or with you, this is it.

 

he is coming. I SOOOOOOOOOOO want to not go. I want to stay home and cuddle with my dd who is going through enough of a tough time. But he won't know all the facts and details like dd and I do. She and I both really need to be there, which means dd8 will be along with us.

 

I can't do this alone. I am having a panic attack just thinking about it!!

 

I just got the email request for Thursday's meeting a couple of hours ago. I've been a wreck ever since. I have to do this, but I simply can NOT do this without dh!

 

I feel so bad dd has to take this on. Last time we talked to the coach the poor little thing broke out in blotches. :crying:

[Danestress]

What's the point? You are going to file a complaint against to coach this week. To me, the relationship is severed. At the point that you are, you do not trust this woman to supervise your daughter's swim practice. You don't trust her to protect your daughter emotionally or physically. You don't trust her. Is anything going to come out of a meeting that will change this?

 

Normally I would say that you should go have coffee during practice because this is too much under your skin and your daughter should be able to handle practice without your supervision. But I am getting the feeling (and I don't blame you at all) that you won't leave during practice because you feel your daughter needs your constant protection.

 

This is a bad situation. I do not think it's going to get better. Filing a complaint, while it maybe the the right thing to do, is the last nail in the coffin. You can't continue in a coaching relationship when it is this badly fractured.

 

ETA sorry, I posted this before I saw you post asking people not to suggest this. (((((Denise)))))

Edited November 9, 2011 by Danestress

[Denisemomof4]

Honestly? This has been an ongoing problem. I think it's time to start looking for a team that better fits your dd and your family. Another team may be inconvenient and require more driving, but this has not been a healthy environment to grow as an athlete and staying is not going to be good.

 

Quit or go somewhere else. It's not gonna change. JMHO.

 

please - no more suggestions like this. I know you're right, but dd wants to fight this out. She has a hard time with confrontation, but she knows she's being treated badly and we want to stand up and do the right thing.

 

These coaches have gotten away with too much. We're going to be filing a formal complaint against one, and I'll be voicing my concern about the other.

 

Leaving the time is most likely going to occur, but right now..... no. We're standing up for what's right. It's not a good time for us to do it, but it wasn't a good time in the past either. This time we will not be leaving without a fight.

[AK_Mom4]

In order for me to get thru a confrontation successfully (ie without melting down or crying or shaking or losing my temper), I have to step back and not focus so much on myself.

 

Instead of focusing about whether YOU are going to be scared (you will be) or nervous (again, you will be) or how angry YOU are with these people (all good and valid feelings) - try to take a step back and think "What would be the best outcome from this meeting? What would be the most likely outcome?" Role playing with a friend or just walking thru it in your mind really helps (Joanne has great advise!)

 

 

Best of luck to you - no sport is worth the type of drama you describe.

[Nakia]

please - no more suggestions like this. I know you're right, but dd wants to fight this out. She has a hard time with confrontation, but she knows she's being treated badly and we want to stand up and do the right thing.

 

These coaches have gotten away with too much. We're going to be filing a formal complaint against one, and I'll be voicing my concern about the other.

 

Leaving the time is most likely going to occur, but right now..... no. We're standing up for what's right. It's not a good time for us to do it, but it wasn't a good time in the past either. This time we will not be leaving without a fight.

 

But, Denise, at what cost? There is a difference between giving up and walking away.

 

I don't think I could continue to subject my daughter to that kind of treatment. I think this could be a good lesson to your daughter about boundaries and what is and isn't acceptable treatment.

 

I do hope you are able to get it all settled without too much more pain. :grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

:hug: what an awful situation. :(

 

take some notes. write down in dot point what you want to say. I always get overwhelmed and railroaded in the moment, I need it in writing to keep my head straight.

 

Try to leave your DD at home - try to keep it adult ;), and really try and take someone to be your own support/witness.

 

I really think dd needs to be there so she can speak about all of her concerns. I will give this more thought. Actually, dd wants to be there. I'm so proud of her. She was so nervous last time we met with the NICE coach, but it was very hard on her.

 

she wants to be there so I need to put on my big girl panties and go. :crying:

 

We've already started to write down notes. Dh will be my support.

 

Thanks!

[In2why]

If these coaches are your only option then you need to quit. It isn't going to get any better because after your meeting they will still have power over your daughter, and if they are as you describe, they will be just as b*tchy, but more careful.

 

As for the meeting itself, let your Dh do most of the talking. You are too upset, and already know you are going to get emotional. It is a toxic situation, and I can understand why you don't want to "let them win", but this isn't a war, it is an activity for your daughter. She might need a less competitve team or at least one that is more sensitive to her needs.

[Denisemomof4]

People like that don't change. They continue being jerks. I'd find another fun activity and come to peace with the fact that they are the problem not you or your DD.

 

Or you could slash their tires in the parking lot. :)

 

they absolutely are the problem, and this time I want them to be exposed. I know some huge ruckus went down last year. I'm hoping if people keep coming forward, they will get what they deserve.

 

The tires? Great idea!!! :thumbup: Can you come take care of it for me?;):auto:

[Danestress]

I would tell them you do not want to meet unless someone from their supervising agency is present. Or I would tell them that I want to communicate about this through email because I want a record of the conversation.

 

Or if you are determined to meet face to face, I would write out what I want to say in detail - non-emotional detail. I would summarize the events that have upset me and specifically state what I changes I would like to see. Very factual, very precise. Then you might still be emotional and get upset and cry, but at least you will have something written with the points you need most to get across.

[nono]

Well the one thing I'd prepare my dd for is the fact that one can win and still lose. Even if everything goes your way as far as the meeting, realistically, what will happen? That's what you want to focus on with her.

 

How does she move forward after this, to something better? I'm not saying don't have the meeting and file the complaint. I'm simply saying that she needs to understand that doing this doesn't mean rainbows will appear and everything wrong in the world will become right. I'd start prepping her for the exit strategy once this season is complete.

 

Good luck, and treat the meeting like a sport. Cat and mouse. You be the cat. Definitely not the mouse. ;)

 

And best of luck! May all the right words come tumbling out of your mouth at the right time! :grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

General help for the anxiety/confrontation:

 

• Role play with a trusted friend or family member.
   
  
• Visualize you handling the confrontation well. Truly think through everything, including where you are, what you are wearing, your words and how calm and well you handle it.
   
  
• Make affirmation notes for yourself that you can handle this, your dd deserves this, and you are in control
   
  

 

I'm going to read this again, and again. I'm going to do these. Thanks Joanne!:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

When I'm finally this angry about something, I know it is time to fold my tent and slip away. A huge bummer.

 

dd and I are both prepared for that, but we are not leaving without exposing the insanity. These morons need to be exposed, and I'm quite certain this won't be the first time.

 

I can't imagine being so cold hearted as to do this to a sick child.

[Denisemomof4]

I don't blame you for being upset. I would if this was happening to my child.

 

In your position, I would send dh and not go to the meeting myself. I would instead write a clear letter explaining what has happened and what the new guidelines need to be for your dd's safety. I would emphasize the safety aspects on all counts. The emphasis on safety is so they can see the universal problem, not the personal issues at hand. All of the swimmers should be able to eat when hungry, take a break when exhausted, etc. Give copies of the letter to the head coach and supervisor.

 

I don't know what health issues dd is struggling with. If it is a temporary thing, I would stress that at the meeting (or have dh stress that).

 

Is there any possibility of switching coaches? If so, I would request that as well.

 

After the meeting, you can see if anything has changed. If not, I would agree that you might want to look around for a new place for swimming.

 

If you do decide to go to the meeting, I would try to schedule it as far out as possible so you have time to get a clear head and strengthen your arguments. Try to be caught up on sleep, have a good meal with protein beforehand. Sometimes it helps me to imagine I'm watching the confrontation from the moon or something - like we are all tiny specks on the earth. I don't know if that will help you, though! Best of luck to you while you advocate for dd.

 

could I possibly just write it all out and send dh? Hmmm. I'm not sure we're going to do that, but I will keep that in mind.

 

Your tips and suggestions are wonderful and just what I was looking for.

 

Thank you!!!

 

ETA: Dd's health issues are a big mystery. She is sick for a period of months with really weird/strange yet serious symptoms, goes go doctors and specialists, etc. and then suddenly the disappear. Three to three and a half years later, whammo, but not exactly the same symptoms... just similar. We were told she had seizures, a brain abnormality, something wrong with her heart. All tests have shown she is completely normal. Nobody knows what's going on. I've been trying to find out why her face turns blue for eight years now. No answers.

 

I'm starting to think it's nothing serious, because most of her symptoms lessen in intensity. This weakness and shortness of breath is totally new, though, and doctors are stumped. We have more tests and appts with specialists, new ones, coming up.

Edited November 9, 2011 by Denisemomof4

[Guest submarines]

I really think dd needs to be there so she can speak about all of her concerns. I will give this more thought. Actually, dd wants to be there. I'm so proud of her. She was so nervous last time we met with the NICE coach, but it was very hard on her.

 

she wants to be there so I need to put on my big girl panties and go. :crying:

 

We've already started to write down notes. Dh will be my support.

 

Thanks!

 

 

:grouphug: Good for her for wanting to stand up for herself. What a strong girl.

 

If at all possible, I'd look for someone to look after your 8 year old so she is not at the actual meeting. Is there a teenager you can hire to stay with her in the hallway or the waiting area? You'd really need to focus on the situation, and I find the presence of another child, even if she is quiet in the corner, too distracting.

 

Good luck with the meeting. I hope the result will provide closure to your DD.

[Laurie]

 

HELP!!! Tips? Advice? Coping strategies?

 

How stupid is it that I think of the Brady Bunch episode when one of the kids had to speak in front of the class and was a wreck. They imagined the audience in their underwear. I've even done THAT!!! :blushing:

 

.

 

Sorry, but you've got the wrong tv show. Try Dynasty, and you pretend that you're Alexis Carrington.

And dress in a dark color, with or without the large shoulder pads. ;) I wouldn't raise my voice, and I would try to maintain eye contact. Make THEM squirm.

 

Good for you and your dd for standing up to these bullies.

[Snickerdoodle]

I would go with a list of questions ready to clarify their policies on certain situations and for them to make very clear their philosophy with regard to training.

 

This way you can couch your complaints in terms of their policies.

[Denisemomof4]

I hate confrontation, I understand. :grouphug: I think it is well beyond time for a sit down.

 

Role play, write down everything you want to bring up, you will not remember it all in the moment. Get into an agreement with dh on what will brought up, so you create a united front.

 

And if you lose it, really in the long term, so what? You're a human, this is your child. If dh loses it and gets loud, so what? They obviously have something against your dd or you, they don't have to like you, but if you decide to stay they'll will have to see you.

 

If you don't deal with it what's the worst? Your dd's health? Her self-esteem? Those are more important that what might happen in the meeting.

 

What's the absolute worst thing that can happen? You leave the team? They kick you off the team? They're probably not going to go slash your tires. I take my mind to the worst possible things, just because I do it before hand then I don't feel so nervous.

 

And when you go take something with a bee or yellow/black and take a bit of the hive with you. Go and bee, you can do it. Keep us updated. :grouphug:

 

you're awesome. You really are! I think I need to find a bee to bring with me. If nothing else it may keep me distracted just enough to be able to handle the confrontation.

 

The coaches were fine with dd and me until the coach's dd started to swim with my dd (she was always more advanced) All the problems started then. I think it's the kid who turned the mother against dd, then the other coach, the partner in crime, just follows suit.

 

It's maddening and I'm stumped, but I totally realize that the issue IS with the coach, her partner in crime, and her little brat. That kid is so good at what she does, buttering up adults, being the total sweetheart. I've seen her in action. She's evil! When we tried to work through this last year, the brat's mom told me how her dd has it so hard, her older sister always does so well naturally, she's always under so much pressure to try to measure up, blah, blah, blah. I don't care! YOUR BRAT is BULLYING my dd!!!

 

Other kids on the team think she's bossy and don't like her. It's not just my dd, but my dd is her target for whatever reason.

[OLG]

I would tell them you do not want to meet unless someone from their supervising agency is present. Or I would tell them that I want to communicate about this through email because I want a record of the conversation.

 

Or if you are determined to meet face to face, I would write out what I want to say in detail - non-emotional detail. I would summarize the events that have upset me and specifically state what I changes I would like to see. Very factual, very precise. Then you might still be emotional and get upset and cry, but at least you will have something written with the points you need most to get across.

 

:iagree: Was going to suggest that you bring a neutral third party with you. Danestress' suggestions are very, very good. Speak slooowly when you do speak and wear 'power clothes'! If you feel you are slipping, give dh a signal for him to step in till you regain composure. Consider it as an example you will give your dc on how to handle these situations. :grouphug:

[Jennifer3141]

But, Denise, at what cost? There is a difference between giving up and walking away.

 

I don't think I could continue to subject my daughter to that kind of treatment. I think this could be a good lesson to your daughter about boundaries and what is and isn't acceptable treatment.

 

I do hope you are able to get it all settled without too much more pain. :grouphug:

 

I've got to agree with Nakia. Denise, everything you've posted about your DD and her health doesn't make this sound like a great thing for her to be doing at this time. Weakness and water are NOT a good mix. We're not saying never again - we're saying not.right.now.

 

I think you're in the forest and you're missing the trees.

 

It's ok for your DD to learn that sometimes, the bad guys win. And if these two horrid women remain as coaches, that's what will happen. It's time to teach your DD that bad people may win a few battles but not the war. :grouphug:

[elegantlion]

I like the channeling Dynasty suggestion. Have you seen the Devil Wears Prada? If not watch it before thursday, or watch it again. Streep choose to play the evil boss with a soft toned voice, because if you really need everyone to listen to you it asserts more power if you speak softer. yelling only makes people defensive. Speak calmly, quieter than you'd want , and look them in the eye.

[Denisemomof4]

What's the point? You are going to file a complaint against to coach this week. To me, the relationship is severed. At the point that you are, you do not trust this woman to supervise your daughter's swim practice. You don't trust her to protect your daughter emotionally or physically. You don't trust her. Is anything going to come out of a meeting that will change this?

 

Normally I would say that you should go have coffee during practice because this is too much under your skin and your daughter should be able to handle practice without your supervision. But I am getting the feeling (and I don't blame you at all) that you won't leave during practice because you feel your daughter needs your constant protection.

 

This is a bad situation. I do not think it's going to get better. Filing a complaint, while it maybe the the right thing to do, is the last nail in the coffin. You can't continue in a coaching relationship when it is this badly fractured.

 

ETA sorry, I posted this before I saw you post asking people not to suggest this. (((((Denise)))))

 

that's ok. I see what you're saying. I understand why you think I shouldn't even go at this point. I haven't decided yet, but I'm SO proud of my dd wanting to stand up for what's right.

 

I'm definitely going to file the complaint. BUT, I want to point out what you wrote above. Not only will I not leave the building now because I can't trust the coaching staff to treat my dd fairly, I won't even allow her in the locker room without me present because little brat face keeps approaching dd and trying to push her buttons. Not in a way that anyone else would know, "How are your chickens, R?" This after she just plowed dd down in the pool. Or she'll move from where she's set up to go stretch by dd, knowing that dd has been told to stay away from her. Nobody else knows her sick strategies.

 

You're right. I can't leave the area because I don't trust the coaches, but I can't even leave her in the locker room .

 

I'm exposing it all and I'm hoping that the behavior continues and other people will also expose them.

[Denisemomof4]

I would tell them you do not want to meet unless someone from their supervising agency is present. Or I would tell them that I want to communicate about this through email because I want a record of the conversation.

 

Or if you are determined to meet face to face, I would write out what I want to say in detail - non-emotional detail. I would summarize the events that have upset me and specifically state what I changes I would like to see. Very factual, very precise. Then you might still be emotional and get upset and cry, but at least you will have something written with the points you need most to get across.

 

I actually almost suggested this tonight. And I had already determined that everything discussed would be followed up with in email. I had to do this with lawyers once.

[Hockey Mom]

The first thing I would do is write all of my talking points out.

 

Write down what you have observed, how your DD performed for previous coaches, and what your expectations are from these particular coaches. If the organization has any type of parent rulebook, go through it and highlight areas in which the coaches have not met your DD's needs, and bring those with you as well.

 

The best way to keep the emotion out of your meeting is to NOT deviate from your agenda talking points. Read it as a matter-of-fact, NOT as opinion or suggestion.

 

I would not only have the name of the immediate supervisors with me, but I would find out who the President of the organization is, or who the 'top dog' is. I would inform the coaches that you are willing to take this as far as it needs to go in order to protect the health and safety of your child.

 

I would also inform them that you will be bringing a video camera to all practices/meets, and you will be more than willing to take it to the media should they choose to escalate their attitude toward you or your dd. Viral videos spread like wildfire.

 

None of this has to be said with any type of emotion. Just read the talking points, and most importantly, STICK to your talking points. Do NOT allow them to manipulate the conversation in any way (disarming you with sweet nothings that will change nothing).

 

That's what I would do.

 

I wish you nothing but the best of luck. I hope you wipe the floor with these b*tches.

[MelissaMinNC]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

You're right - I would tell you to quit. I understand that you don't want to let them push your dd out, but I don't know if taking the abuse is worth proving the point. These people are toxic. If it were me, I'd get my kid out of there. Which might not stop me from filing reports, complaints, telling everyone I knew what was going on, but I'd still be away from them.

 

I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this. :grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

Well the one thing I'd prepare my dd for is the fact that one can win and still lose. Even if everything goes your way as far as the meeting, realistically, what will happen? That's what you want to focus on with her.

 

How does she move forward after this, to something better? I'm not saying don't have the meeting and file the complaint. I'm simply saying that she needs to understand that doing this doesn't mean rainbows will appear and everything wrong in the world will become right. I'd start prepping her for the exit strategy once this season is complete.

 

Good luck, and treat the meeting like a sport. Cat and mouse. You be the cat. Definitely not the mouse. ;)

 

And best of luck! May all the right words come tumbling out of your mouth at the right time! :grouphug:

 

I understand what you're saying. We aren't trying to win here, we are trying to expose people, we NEED to file a complaint because dd's safety was jeopardized, and in this day and age of anti-bullying, we are exposing the bully and the coaches who enable her.

 

it's really not about winning. Dd is expecting to leave the team or be asked to leave the team. She's been very emotional about this because she has no idea WHY.

 

I'm so proud of dd wanting to get everything out when it's so hard for her to do this. I think we're both going to walk away proud, no matter what the outcome is.

 

The thing that really stinks is that there is no other sport dd is interested in, and she knows she will be giving up her passion. The other team is so dysfunctional that even dd doesn't want to try it. They're the team I saw the coaches screaming at each other and crying at a competition. Um, no thank you.

[Denisemomof4]

:grouphug: Good for her for wanting to stand up for herself. What a strong girl.

 

If at all possible, I'd look for someone to look after your 8 year old so she is not at the actual meeting. Is there a teenager you can hire to stay with her in the hallway or the waiting area? You'd really need to focus on the situation, and I find the presence of another child, even if she is quiet in the corner, too distracting.

 

Good luck with the meeting. I hope the result will provide closure to your DD.

 

thanks, Natalie, good point.

[Denisemomof4]

Sorry, but you've got the wrong tv show. Try Dynasty, and you pretend that you're Alexis Carrington.

And dress in a dark color, with or without the large shoulder pads. ;) I wouldn't raise my voice, and I would try to maintain eye contact. Make THEM squirm.

 

Good for you and your dd for standing up to these bullies.

 

I won't raise my voice, but I will probably cry and shake.

 

Honestly, all these responses have me very calm.

 

I really think I'm going to bring in a bee or a hive to the mtg.:tongue_smilie: I even have one now that I think of it. He's on Pooh's honey pot.:001_smile:

[Denisemomof4]

:iagree: Was going to suggest that you bring a neutral third party with you. Danestress' suggestions are very, very good. Speak slooowly when you do speak and wear 'power clothes'! If you feel you are slipping, give dh a signal for him to step in till you regain composure. Consider it as an example you will give your dc on how to handle these situations. :grouphug:

 

ok, what are power clothes?

[MSNative]

I agree with the suggestion of bringing in their supervisor. If I were you, I would document everything and see if you can get any sort of supporting evidence. Otherwise, it is going to be very easy for the coaches to portray you as a helicopter crazy mom. Emotions and he said/she said are easy to ignore. Cold hard facts are hard to refute.

 

When you are in the actual meeting, remember that if you cry, yell or lose it in any way, you lose and they win. That thought usually helps me keep my cool. If you feel yourself losing it, excuse yourself.

 

Finally, try to remember your overall goal. You will not change these women. Most likely, you will not change the situation. What you can do is show your dd the right way to stand up for herself and her values. In doing so, you are a good example to your dd and the coaches. It's really hard to belittle a person who argues her points with grace (and really this is the only chance you have to change these women. People don't generally change because someone fussed at them. They change when they see a better example, imo.) Don't let them take that from you. Keep it together and be the better person no matter what!

[Guest submarines]

The first thing I would do is write all of my talking points out.

 

Write down what you have observed, how your DD performed for previous coaches, and what your expectations are from these particular coaches. If the organization has any type of parent rulebook, go through it and highlight areas in which the coaches have not met your DD's needs, and bring those with you as well.

 

The best way to keep the emotion out of your meeting is to NOT deviate from your agenda talking points. Read it as a matter-of-fact, NOT as opinion or suggestion.

 

I would not only have the name of the immediate supervisors with me, but I would find out who the President of the organization is, or who the 'top dog' is. I would inform the coaches that you are willing to take this as far as it needs to go in order to protect the health and safety of your child.

 

I would also inform them that you will be bringing a video camera to all practices/meets, and you will be more than willing to take it to the media should they choose to escalate their attitude toward you or your dd. Viral videos spread like wildfire.

 

None of this has to be said with any type of emotion. Just read the talking points, and most importantly, STICK to your talking points. Do NOT allow them to manipulate the conversation in any way (disarming you with sweet nothings that will change nothing).

 

That's what I would do.

 

I wish you nothing but the best of luck. I hope you wipe the floor with these b*tches.

 

 

:iagree: Especially to the bolded.

[Denisemomof4]

I've got to agree with Nakia. Denise, everything you've posted about your DD and her health doesn't make this sound like a great thing for her to be doing at this time. Weakness and water are NOT a good mix. We're not saying never again - we're saying not.right.now.

 

I think you're in the forest and you're missing the trees.

 

It's ok for your DD to learn that sometimes, the bad guys win. And if these two horrid women remain as coaches, that's what will happen. It's time to teach your DD that bad people may win a few battles but not the war. :grouphug:

 

I agree with you and Nakia. I do. I've been in constant discussion with dd about this for a month. The end is nearing, and the end may be Thursday, because I'm at the end of what I'll tolerate for her.

 

I'm torn because she's always made it clear how passionate she is about synchronized swim. She even dreams about it. I know her dream is coming to an end. Her health will improve, as previous patterns suggest, but she won't be doing synchro. I'm pretty certain of it.

 

Dd wants to stand up for what's right. I feel absolutely certain we need to expose these coaches. I'm going to file my complaint, either meet with the coaches with dh OR I'll write it all out and keep it handled through email, having dh meet with them. But these idiots ARE going to be exposed.

 

Whether or not it does any good, I don't care. But at least I know we stood up for what's right. I feel like I owe this to my dd.

 

I admire her so much. I'm really surprised at how much SHE wants to have this meeting. No raised voices, just getting it all out.

[Denisemomof4]

I like the channeling Dynasty suggestion. Have you seen the Devil Wears Prada? If not watch it before thursday, or watch it again. Streep choose to play the evil boss with a soft toned voice, because if you really need everyone to listen to you it asserts more power if you speak softer. yelling only makes people defensive. Speak calmly, quieter than you'd want , and look them in the eye.

 

this is usually what I do. That eye part though................ :svengo:

 

When I say I get emotional, it's the crying and the shaking. I look so stupid.:glare:

 

I don't know why I'm like this! I'm NOT shy! I can stand up to a stranger but I can't do confrontations like this.

[Denisemomof4]

The first thing I would do is write all of my talking points out.

 

Write down what you have observed, how your DD performed for previous coaches, and what your expectations are from these particular coaches. If the organization has any type of parent rulebook, go through it and highlight areas in which the coaches have not met your DD's needs, and bring those with you as well.

 

The best way to keep the emotion out of your meeting is to NOT deviate from your agenda talking points. Read it as a matter-of-fact, NOT as opinion or suggestion.

 

I would not only have the name of the immediate supervisors with me, but I would find out who the President of the organization is, or who the 'top dog' is. I would inform the coaches that you are willing to take this as far as it needs to go in order to protect the health and safety of your child.

 

I would also inform them that you will be bringing a video camera to all practices/meets, and you will be more than willing to take it to the media should they choose to escalate their attitude toward you or your dd. Viral videos spread like wildfire.

 

None of this has to be said with any type of emotion. Just read the talking points, and most importantly, STICK to your talking points. Do NOT allow them to manipulate the conversation in any way (disarming you with sweet nothings that will change nothing).

 

That's what I would do.

 

I wish you nothing but the best of luck. I hope you wipe the floor with these b*tches.

 

EXCELLENT point. I didn't even think of that! Thanks!!!

 

Ok, now you are just AWESOME. :lol::lol::lol:

[OrganicAnn]

In the meeting try to remember they won't realized how difficult or upset you are unless you show them. Sometimes we think that we are in a position of weakness because everyone knows how terrified we are, but in reality they may not know that you are upset or terrified of confrontation.

 

If you decide that you are basically leaving, then I would point out to the management (and the other parents), that once your DD leaves chances are they (bullies) will find someone new to pick on. How many people will it take before they take the problem seriously? Will the next child have a mother that is watching out for her or will it end in tragedy? (That will leave them pondering about a bigger problem than just you and your DD).

 

I think once you think that coaches are so untrustworthy that you worry about your DD being physically harmed, then it is not worth being in that situation. I totally agree that you should speak up and put on record all the things that have happened. Unless they kick off the 2 coaches and the kid, then there is really no choice (in my opinion), but to leave. This would be the gist of the meeting for me. Are they going to get rid of the coaches or not. But I would not leave quietly.

 

I would definitely go to the meeting (don't send DH alone, don't think email can handle it). I would try to arrange for a friend or family member to sit outside with DD8 and if necessary your DD on the team. There may be things you will want to say with your DD out of the room. Afterwards, I would summarize the meeting in an email or letter and ask if you have summarized it correctly and require them to respond.

 

Good Luck

 

(say to yourself in the mirror 10 times a day - I am good at confrontation. I am a mama bear.)

Edited November 9, 2011 by OrganicAnn

[Mimmy]

Haven't read all the responses, but hugs to you and your daughter.

 

One thought- I would be very concerned about taking your daughter to the meeting because I think there is a big possibility that they will try to manipulate your daughter during the meeting to discredit your complaints. They have already shown that they have no qualms about actively and passively bullying a child. An 8 year old child will probably be no match for a seasoned manipulative adult.

 

Unfortunately, this is something I've seen happen before in a meeting between a bullied child/ parent duo and an authority figure.

[Hockey Mom]

this is usually what I do. That eye part though................ :svengo:

 

When I say I get emotional, it's the crying and the shaking. I look so stupid.:glare:

 

I don't know why I'm like this! I'm NOT shy! I can stand up to a stranger but I can't do confrontations like this.

 

Find a spot (I usually look for a freckle, zit, mole, wild hair, ect) on the person's face and stare at it when you find yourself getting emotional. As you stare at it, count down from 6,789 (or some other random number). This usually works long enough to gain composure.

 

I really feel for you...I used to get emotional like you do. But as I've grown older, I've grown bolder. Now I just stare straight into their eyes and look at them like they're morons. Most people will not maintain eye contact if they know they've done wrong.

 

:grouphug: