Parenting teens who don't believe what you believe...

[BMW]

I have a mommy commitment to love my children regardless...

 

This week my 17yog moved back home with me. She is a bright girl, is a good student and cares about having a career. She really wants to go to college.

She is a high school junior.

 

She does not share the same religious beliefs that I do... but, she is respectful and willing to attend church Sunday mornings.

 

She is very sensitive. She is also incredibly strong willed. She enjoys having fun with boys... in ways that I don't approve of... She wants to hang out late at night with friends and have "fun".

 

She wants to be open and honest with me.

 

I am torn because I have a commitment to parent her, yet we do not see eye to eye with what is acceptable.

 

For now she is fragile because she is coming back from her dad's where she was put down regularly... insulted... and she was often times on "lock down" (no phone, internet or tv, no activities except school and tennis). She lied a lot and found ways to sneak.

 

Anyway... I guess I need some encouragement. I've shared with her that she knows what I believe is right and wrong, but that I wont judge her. I've said that the non-negotiables are drinking and drugs.

 

I want this to work... She needs a parent! I am who she has right now. But, just this morning I offended her because she asked if she could invite a guy over for pizza and a movie at the house and I said that was a fine idea. We got to talking and I asked, "Can't you hang out with a boy and not get physical?" She shut down.

 

Thanks for some ideas... this is difficult.

[PeacefulChaos]

I have no ideas, but... :grouphug:

[YourFidgetyFriend]

Have you tried talking to her about her behavior from a non-religious POV? If your issue is her getting physical with boys, maybe you all could have a talk about why it would be a good idea to slow down on the physical for any teen? I would stay away from any buzz words like "worth" and start talk more in hormones, alternatives, and "what-ifs" for consequences. It's a good sign that she wants to be open and honest with you.

 

I haven't had this experience as a parent, but I was once a child with different beliefs from my mom.

[Momof3littles]

Have you tried talking to her about her behavior from a non-religious POV? If your issue is her getting physical with boys, maybe you all could have a talk about why it would be a good idea to slow down on the physical for any teen? I would stay away from any buzz words like "worth" and start talk more in hormones, alternatives, and "what-ifs" for consequences. It's a good sign that she wants to be open and honest with you.

 

I haven't had this experience as a parent, but I was once a child with different beliefs from my mom.

This exactly.

 

I hated when my mom tried to inject religion into it (I didn't share my parents' beliefs), or gave me the whole "why buy the cow..." type speech :rolleyes: I haven't BTDT as a parent yet.

[Random]

:grouphug:

[butterflymommy]

Have you explained to her why you believe it's not a good idea for her to get physical with a boy? A heartfelt, pragmatic, and non-judgmental explanation might help. Also recognize and accept you have no control over whether she has sex or not-- it's a choice she has to make. As you know, even if you put her on lockdown, she will find a way around it. Examine your motivations for not wanting her to have sex. Is it a control issue or is it more profound than that? No matter what she decides, kindness from you right now will go a long way.

[LibraryLover]

Worry and distrust are not the same.

 

I try to be honest, "If you aren't home by a certain time or don't call to let me know where you are and who you are with, I will worry."

 

I want my teens to have some respect for my maternal concerns for their safety.

 

I understand that some young people will do as they please no matter what, and I know some will try to get around any parameters, but we can still try and put them in place with our honesty, concern, and respect.

 

I also worry about young people who put themselves in harm's way. Those who do not respect themselves often seek validation in ways than can be very harmful. Parents have a right/duty to guide.

 

A 17 -year -old also needs sleep, although some think they do not. If she is attending school, she has homework or activites. They do often need our help in planning and organizing. They may reject this help, but I think it's important to make a heroic attempt.

Edited November 7, 2011 by LibraryLover

[jennsmile]

:grouphug:

[Tranquility7]

That is a big question, but I just wanted to respond to a small part of it… about the “fun with the boys…â€

 

Keep in mind that a lot of times this kind of behavior derives from insecurities (especially re: body image) and lack of fulfillment in a girl’s relationship with her own father. How is her relationship with her father? If I were you, rather than ask “can’t you not get physical� maybe you can ask things like:

- What do you like about this boy?

- What does he like about you?

- Have you ever gotten hurt by a boy you have been with? How did he hurt you?

- Have you ever regretted being with a boy? Why?

- Do all of your friends do the same things with boys? Why do you think they do? Why do you think some don’t?

 

She also could probably benefit from knowing that she is not “weird†for enjoying physical affection from a boy – lots of girls think they are weird because we are taught that it is always boys who want that stuff! But girls have their own desires, and that is a good thing, within the proper context (which this is not, obviously).

 

I would be careful about condemning her for her behavior, because that is very likely to drive her away at this point. Be merciful and gracious to her. Be compassionate. Be patient and loving and kind. Patterns like this are SO hard to change, and it isn’t a matter of simply stopping doing it. It is a matter of her heart and mind being renewed, so that she understands who she is and who she is created to be – that her heart and her body are too beautiful and special to be treated this way.

[dsmama]

Hugs. No concrete advice, as I'm not a parent of a teen yet.

 

My small group is reading a book about parenting teens (as most of the folks in the group have teens). It has been very helpful to our group members to see ways of talking and drawing out teens, to focus on issues of their hearts, not just outward behavior. It is by Paul David Tripp called Age of Opportunity.

 

Good luck. You are doing the best you can.

[Mergath]

I don't know the exact details of your situation, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but if she was treated that poorly at her father's, the thing with the guys is probably a way for her to get what she sees as positive attention, and to make her feel good about herself. If I were her mom, my first step would be to work on making her feel worthwhile. Do things with her, compliment her when she does something well, and just try to reaffirm that she's a good person and you love her.

 

When that has been accomplished, it will probably be a heck of a lot easier for you to share your views about relationships. She might even change on her own, once she realizes she doesn't need their attention anymore.

 

ETA: I don't have a teen, but I went through very similar things as a teen, so I have a pretty good perspective on how that sort of thing can make you feel, I think.

[justasque]

You have what, two more years before college? One and a half? Now is the time for her to explore various settings and situations with you still there when she gets home to discuss what went well, what didn't, what she observed others doing, what she thought about it, how various situations could be handled differently, etc. etc. Parenting at this age isn't about telling kids what they can and can't do; they're beyond that. It's more about providing wise council, and a sounding board as they make decisions for themselves. Of course sometimes you have to put your foot down, or logistics may mean that you say no to a request to drive them somewhere, etc.

[acurtis75]

Hugs. No concrete advice, as I'm not a parent of a teen yet.

 

My small group is reading a book about parenting teens (as most of the folks in the group have teens). It has been very helpful to our group members to see ways of talking and drawing out teens, to focus on issues of their hearts, not just outward behavior. It is by Paul David Tripp called Age of Opportunity.

 

Good luck. You are doing the best you can.

 

I've heard great things about the Paul Tripp book too. I've attended classes and read other books he's written and they were great. There's an emphasis on parenting with grace and making sure our children know that we struggle with wanting to do wrong things too.

[Kim in Appalachia]

:grouphug: You sound like you're doing great! It sounds hard, but just keep talking with her. Try to keep all channels open. Share your concerns, but realize that she is working on becoming an adult. Mistakes are a messy part of the process.

 

When you do object to something, make sure she's knows it for her benefit/safety, not just because of your beliefs. Help her see you are looking out for her and that it is your goal to help her fulfill hers (like college).

 

To let you know, I haven't dealt with this with my own kids, but I have watched as an aunt did with hers. She did a great job maintaining her relationship with her kids, despite deep differences. She (and her dh) set a great example of how to walk that line. She spent a lot praying with friends about her children but never made her kids feel judged, or like they had to leave. They knew where she stood and even respected her faith, but they disagreed. It isn't easy and it is painful. It's one of the hard parts of being a parent. :grouphug:

[Joanne]

She's non-believing, but respectful and following your "go to church as a family" rules. I'd encourage you to NOT mess with that by using materials from Tripp. :glare:

 

She's 17, and a legal adult soon. Let her be, to a large degree. She knows your perspective. But you can't *change* her with it, and you can't healthfully insist she agree.

 

Hanging out late with boys (and, for that matter, girls) is culturally normative. It is not inherently wrong, inappropriate, or risky. It's only when you hold certain paradigms.

 

Don't make choices for her. Let her make choices, hold fast to your deal breakers, and be there for her when she reaches out to you over mistakes. She'll make them; but so would teens who seem to adopt more of your approach.

 

The key to teen years is not lack of mistakes. The key to teen years is navigated the mistakes on the parental and child side with grace, wisdom, care, and a sense of humor. ;)

 

It sounds like you have an *opportunity* to forge the start of your adult relationship with her. Start with thanking her for the respect of your deal breakers, and respect of your opinions, especially since she doesn't agree. I strongly suspect if you get heavy handed with her, you'll lose her which is what you are trying to prevent to begin with.

[twoforjoy]

This week my 17yog moved back home with me. She is a bright girl, is a good student and cares about having a career. She really wants to go to college.

She is a high school junior.

 

She does not share the same religious beliefs that I do... but, she is respectful and willing to attend church Sunday mornings...

 

She wants to be open and honest with me.

 

She sounds like a great kid.

 

I've said that the non-negotiables are drinking and drugs.

 

I don't know exactly what your daughter is doing. As hard as it is, and as difficult as it might be for you given your beliefs (and I think it's hard for any parent no matter what they believe), I'd make unprotected sex another non-negotiable. I don't know to what extent her "fun" with boys has gone, but, especially since she seems willing to talk to you about it, I'd use that "in" to make sure she knew that, regardless of what her beliefs or your beliefs are, she needs to be careful.

 

:grouphug: Sounds to me like you are doing a great job and you have a great kid. I have a feeling it's all going to work out in the end. I think that most of us probably worried our parents a bit when we were 17.

[Sophia]

...I want this to work... She needs a parent! I am who she has right now. But, just this morning I offended her because she asked if she could invite a guy over for pizza and a movie at the house and I said that was a fine idea. We got to talking and I asked, "Can't you hang out with a boy and not get physical?" She shut down.

 

Thanks for some ideas... this is difficult.

 

She does need a parent.

I have three teens in need of parents right now too, lol, and something I've promised them is that they can always count on a "mom" response from me. Regardless of how friendly we are with each other as they move into adulthood, I will always be concerned about their physical, emotional and spiritual health and my responses to their choices are going to be guided by my concern.

So, from a mom perspective, I don't think your question was inappropriate or judgmental. I think it could have led to a great discussion on friendships, relationships, building a foundation of respect and love before the physical comes in (preferably after marriage...we're old-fashioned around here ;))

etc., however...why do you think your teen shut down?

 

Was she angry you questioned her? Embarrassed? Bored?

 

If she hasn't been living at home, maybe it's going to take some time for her to feel comfortable discussing some things with you?

 

I think I would concentrate on letting her know your motivation in challenging her ideas is because you love her and want to offer a different perspective and not because you are looking for a way to chastise her.

[KS_]

I don't know the exact details of your situation, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but if she was treated that poorly at her father's, the thing with the guys is probably a way for her to get what she sees as positive attention, and to make her feel good about herself. If I were her mom, my first step would be to work on making her feel worthwhile. Do things with her, compliment her when she does something well, and just try to reaffirm that she's a good person and you love her.

 

When that has been accomplished, it will probably be a heck of a lot easier for you to share your views about relationships. She might even change on her own, once she realizes she doesn't need their attention anymore.

 

 

 

I agree and that was my first thought.

[Denisemomof4]

Have you explained to her why you believe it's not a good idea for her to get physical with a boy? A heartfelt, pragmatic, and non-judgmental explanation might help. Also recognize and accept you have no control over whether she has sex or not-- it's a choice she has to make. As you know, even if you put her on lockdown, she will find a way around it. Examine your motivations for not wanting her to have sex. Is it a control issue or is it more profound than that? No matter what she decides, kindness from you right now will go a long way.

 

:iagree: I'd suspect her being so physical with boys has a direct link to her relationship with her father.

 

At 17, there's a lot she's not going to listen to. Try to make concerning or negative comments only when absolutely necessary.

 

I would never allow my dd to be physical with a boy in my home. It IS your home and you can make rules about that there.

[Deb in NZ]

She's non-believing, but respectful and following your "go to church as a family" rules. I'd encourage you to NOT mess with that by using materials from Tripp. :glare:

 

She's 17, and a legal adult soon. Let her be, to a large degree. She knows your perspective. But you can't *change* her with it, and you can't healthfully insist she agree.

 

Hanging out late with boys (and, for that matter, girls) is culturally normative. It is not inherently wrong, inappropriate, or risky. It's only when you hold certain paradigms.

 

Don't make choices for her. Let her make choices, hold fast to your deal breakers, and be there for her when she reaches out to you over mistakes. She'll make them; but so would teens who seem to adopt more of your approach.

 

The key to teen years is not lack of mistakes. The key to teen years is navigated the mistakes on the parental and child side with grace, wisdom, care, and a sense of humor. ;)

 

It sounds like you have an *opportunity* to forge the start of your adult relationship with her. Start with thanking her for the respect of your deal breakers, and respect of your opinions, especially since she doesn't agree. I strongly suspect if you get heavy handed with her, you'll lose her which is what you are trying to prevent to begin with.

 

:iagree:

 

Regarding the "can I have a boy over for pizza & a movie?" I would suggest making friends in the common areas of the house (i.e. livingroom, kitchen, etc.) not in the bedrooms a firm rule. Trying to say "don't get physical with boys" is hard to police unless you are with her 24/7 & you want her to feel able to come to you if she does get physical & has to deal with the consequences (i.e. date rape, pregnancy, VD, etc.) If you make her sneak around to see boys, she won't feel able to talk to you. With younger dc in the house, saying "no friends in bedrooms" is reasonable IMHO as there are standards you want set for your house, but at her age you can't dictate her relationships w/o risking your own relationship with her. She is above the age of consent now & is going to legally be an adult in less than a year. In many ways treating her as an adult where possible is the best option.

 

When dd was 17yo she asked to have a boy over for the weekend. They had just started 'going out.' He was 19yo & had been in the navy for a year & just started uni. Our only rule was dd would sleep in her bedroom & her boyfriend would sleep in the caravan out back. If they wanted to get physical, dh & I realized that they would find a way anyway. We were quite open with dd about the risks & consequences about getting physical with a boy. We also allowed dd to visit her boyfriend at his house (he still lived at home with his parents.) Earlier this year ds#1 asked if his new girlfriend (14yo) could sleepover while dh & I were away for the weekend with ds#2. We said "no way!" :lol: We reminded him that his girlfriend was only 14yo & that we did not feel comfortable in putting them in a situation that would tempt them to go too far. It was a first relationship for both of them. Ds#1 didn't fuss & looked a bit relieved.

 

JMHO,

Edited November 4, 2011 by Deb in NZ

[Denisemomof4]

She's non-believing, but respectful and following your "go to church as a family" rules. I'd encourage you to NOT mess with that by using materials from Tripp. :glare:

 

She's 17, and a legal adult soon. Let her be, to a large degree. She knows your perspective. But you can't *change* her with it, and you can't healthfully insist she agree.

 

Hanging out late with boys (and, for that matter, girls) is culturally normative. It is not inherently wrong, inappropriate, or risky. It's only when you hold certain paradigms.

 

Don't make choices for her. Let her make choices, hold fast to your deal breakers, and be there for her when she reaches out to you over mistakes. She'll make them; but so would teens who seem to adopt more of your approach.

 

The key to teen years is not lack of mistakes. The key to teen years is navigated the mistakes on the parental and child side with grace, wisdom, care, and a sense of humor. ;)

 

It sounds like you have an *opportunity* to forge the start of your adult relationship with her. Start with thanking her for the respect of your deal breakers, and respect of your opinions, especially since she doesn't agree. I strongly suspect if you get heavy handed with her, you'll lose her which is what you are trying to prevent to begin with.

 

:iagree: this is excellent.

[butterflymommy]

:iagree: I'd suspect her being so physical with boys has a direct link to her relationship with her father.

 

When a teenage boy has sex, do we say it's because he has issues with his mother? Sex can be a real physical need for people, women included. Teenage girls can physically crave sex just like anyone else, and derive comfort from it, and it can have nothing to do with fathers or much else beyond the physical need. This is why trying to talk her out of it will be difficult. If she's used to having sex and has grown to need it, you might as well tell her to stop eating. Be careful picking your battles with her, and model kindness.

[Joanne]

I want this to work... She needs a parent! I am who she has right now. But, just this morning I offended her because she asked if she could invite a guy over for pizza and a movie at the house and I said that was a fine idea. We got to talking and I asked, "Can't you hang out with a boy and not get physical?" She shut down.

 

Thanks for some ideas... this is difficult.

 

I've been thinking about this thread.

 

*gently* I understand her shut down. She *asked* to invite a boy over to hang out, with pizza. She risked that, inviting him over with supervision, knowing your feelings.

 

You needed to let it *be*. The asking "Can't you just......." was a breach of the trust she extended and offered you. She was trying to reach out, finding common ground of her terms and yours. You missed the mark by "going there".

 

You've told her how you feel. She's made it clear that heavy restrictions don't change her, but she'll find a way to act out anyway. Chances are she'll act out *more*.

 

I think you need to take a step back and embrace the reality that she is respectful, attends church, and is trying. It might help, also, to not assume her interest in boys is extra, due to Daddy issues, or exaggerated. Girls like boys. God MADE our bodies to seek intimacy at that age. Flirting, affection, and enjoying company of the other sex is FUN. Let her enjoy that with limits that you can live with (mine with my 16.5 yo are no bedrooms/no closed doors), but also acknowledge that she's older, more mature, and should have a lot of say in her choices (even when they are ones you disagree with).

[Deb in NZ]

I've been thinking about this thread.

 

*gently* I understand her shut down. She *asked* to invite a boy over to hang out, with pizza. She risked that, inviting him over with supervision, knowing your feelings.

 

You needed to let it *be*. The asking "Can't you just......." was a breach of the trust she extended and offered you. She was trying to reach out, finding common ground of her terms and yours. You missed the mark by "going there".

 

You've told her how you feel. She's made it clear that heavy restrictions don't change her, but she'll find a way to act out anyway. Chances are she'll act out *more*.

 

I think you need to take a step back and embrace the reality that she is respectful, attends church, and is trying. It might help, also, to not assume her interest in boys is extra, due to Daddy issues, or exaggerated. Girls like boys. God MADE our bodies to seek intimacy at that age. Flirting, affection, and enjoying company of the other sex is FUN. Let her enjoy that with limits that you can live with (mine with my 16.5 yo are no bedrooms/no closed doors), but also acknowledge that she's older, more mature, and should have a lot of say in her choices (even when they are ones you disagree with).

 

:iagree:

[LibraryLover]

If safety is your concern, the boy at your home for pizza for the night is check mate.

 

Reduced worries about her safey at this point in your time with her...isn't that where you want to be?

Edited November 5, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Free]

.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug: i would think having them in your house in a common area is a good thing....

[Liz CA]

Agree with the part about self image and relationship with her father or a father figure. Is there someone who can fill that void if her own father is not available or not the best example of a father's love and protection?

 

During my teen years, I watched my girlfriend go from guy to guy and couldn't quite understand it then but today I am thinking she was hoping to get some attention from them because her father was too occupied with work and his son - her brother.

 

A difficult age, at the cusp of adulthood - at least legally. At 17, I started treating my ds as an adult in terms of giving choices but we talked a lot about good and bad choices, and the varying degrees of consequences that can change one's life. However, we share the same faith so this made it easier.

 

I'd keep it general and leave faith and God out of the conversation (choices and consequences are still a reality in the secular world as well) but in private I'd pray my socks off. :001_smile:

[BMW]

Joanne, I love that you gave input and I agree with everything you've said. I will really think on your second response and how I breached that trust and work on that for our future.

 

***A quick update. I am SO proud of my daughter. I worked many hours this evening and she was picked up by a girl friend's mom, taken to an outdoor mall, got to hang out and window shop a bit, went to her friend's house a while, they had two boys over and stayed in the living room and then the mom drove her home. When I got home she was showered and at the table doing homework for a semester Bible study that she joined for Sunday mornings (my oldest daughter is doing the study Sun. with a class that starts at 8am and my youngest daughter had asked lots of questions about it several weeks ago and the members of the class bought her a book and she was going to go through it at her dad's... now she is opening it up on her own and working through this week's lesson...)

 

Anyway, I am proud of her. I know it will take time... ***

[In2why]

She's non-believing, but respectful and following your "go to church as a family" rules. I'd encourage you to NOT mess with that by using materials from Tripp. :glare:

 

She's 17, and a legal adult soon. Let her be, to a large degree. She knows your perspective. But you can't *change* her with it, and you can't healthfully insist she agree.

 

Hanging out late with boys (and, for that matter, girls) is culturally normative. It is not inherently wrong, inappropriate, or risky. It's only when you hold certain paradigms.

 

Don't make choices for her. Let her make choices, hold fast to your deal breakers, and be there for her when she reaches out to you over mistakes. She'll make them; but so would teens who seem to adopt more of your approach.

 

The key to teen years is not lack of mistakes. The key to teen years is navigated the mistakes on the parental and child side with grace, wisdom, care, and a sense of humor. ;)

 

It sounds like you have an *opportunity* to forge the start of your adult relationship with her. Start with thanking her for the respect of your deal breakers, and respect of your opinions, especially since she doesn't agree. I strongly suspect if you get heavy handed with her, you'll lose her which is what you are trying to prevent to begin with.

 

 

I agree with everything that Joanne wrote, but I also want to add that since you have younger children in the home that adds to the deal breaker aspect.

In a non confrontational way when things are going well (I like these conversations while in the car because there is emotional space by not being able to look at each other, yet neither person can get away) I would tell her you understand that she is her own person but because of the younger kids the rules of the house must be "ABC". That allows a discussion about the rules without it being about judging her, but will hopefully allow you to discuss your worries and concerns.

[Joanne]

I agree with everything that Joanne wrote, but I also want to add that since you have younger children in the home that adds to the deal breaker aspect.

In a non confrontational way when things are going well (I like these conversations while in the car because there is emotional space by not being able to look at each other, yet neither person can get away) I would tell her you understand that she is her own person but because of the younger kids the rules of the house must be "ABC". That allows a discussion about the rules without it being about judging her, but will hopefully allow you to discuss your worries and concerns.

 

That has already been done. Anything more is just going to put space between Mom and dd.

[Joanne]

Joanne, I love that you gave input and I agree with everything you've said. I will really think on your second response and how I breached that trust and work on that for our future.

 

***A quick update. I am SO proud of my daughter. I worked many hours this evening and she was picked up by a girl friend's mom, taken to an outdoor mall, got to hang out and window shop a bit, went to her friend's house a while, they had two boys over and stayed in the living room and then the mom drove her home. When I got home she was showered and at the table doing homework for a semester Bible study that she joined for Sunday mornings (my oldest daughter is doing the study Sun. with a class that starts at 8am and my youngest daughter had asked lots of questions about it several weeks ago and the members of the class bought her a book and she was going to go through it at her dad's... now she is opening it up on her own and working through this week's lesson...)

 

Anyway, I am proud of her. I know it will take time... ***

 

Sounds like she's open to building a full, healthy, life in her new home. :grouphug:

[Beth in OH]

She's non-believing, but respectful and following your "go to church as a family" rules. I'd encourage you to NOT mess with that by using materials from Tripp. :glare:

 

She's 17, and a legal adult soon. Let her be, to a large degree. She knows your perspective. But you can't *change* her with it, and you can't healthfully insist she agree.

 

Hanging out late with boys (and, for that matter, girls) is culturally normative. It is not inherently wrong, inappropriate, or risky. It's only when you hold certain paradigms.

 

Don't make choices for her. Let her make choices, hold fast to your deal breakers, and be there for her when she reaches out to you over mistakes. She'll make them; but so would teens who seem to adopt more of your approach.

 

The key to teen years is not lack of mistakes. The key to teen years is navigated the mistakes on the parental and child side with grace, wisdom, care, and a sense of humor. ;)

 

It sounds like you have an *opportunity* to forge the start of your adult relationship with her. Start with thanking her for the respect of your deal breakers, and respect of your opinions, especially since she doesn't agree. I strongly suspect if you get heavy handed with her, you'll lose her which is what you are trying to prevent to begin with.

 

:iagree: This is a wonderfully wise post, Joanne. I have come to this belief after my own parenting missteps with emerging adults and having to confront my own control issues. A book that is more in line with this thinking, yet is also Christian in its underpinnings, is called Parenting Adolescents, by Kevin Huggins. It's out of print, so you'll have to find a used copy. http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Adolescents-Biblical-Model-Parents/dp/0891096973/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1320506624&sr=8-1

[Lacie]

What would have helped me at that age would have been hearing about how I would have to explain my past to the man I want to marry. I would not have listened to anything that my mom said, but we did not have a typical mother-daughter relationship.

 

Seeing disappointment in someone you love (future spouse) because of things you did as a teenager or even losing that person when they find out... maybe thinking about the possibility of these things would help.

 

Stay away from religion, talk about how it will impact her future. Future relationships, medical problems, future children and reputation.

 

:grouphug:

[kalanamak]

When a teenage boy has sex, do we say it's because he has issues with his mother? Sex can be a real physical need for people, women included. Teenage girls can physically crave sex just like anyone else, and derive comfort from it, and it can have nothing to do with fathers or much else beyond the physical need.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Edited November 5, 2011 by kalanamak

[Joanne]

What would have helped me at that age would have been hearing about how I would have to explain my past to the man I want to marry. I would not have listened to anything that my mom said, but we did not have a typical mother-daughter relationship.

 

Seeing disappointment in someone you love (future spouse) because of things you did as a teenager or even losing that person when they find out... maybe thinking about the possibility of these things would help.

 

Stay away from religion, talk about how it will impact her future. Future relationships, medical problems, future children and reputation.

 

:grouphug:

 

But that only "works" if the person doing the "explaining" or the person doing the "listening" place the same value on never having had a sexual history.

 

If you *don't* believe that one needs to abstain until marriage, and/or you end up marrying someone who doesn't believe that, you don't have to explain your past to anyone; it's not an issue.

[kalanamak]

If you *don't* believe that one needs to abstain until marriage, and/or you end up marrying someone who doesn't believe that, you don't have to explain your past to anyone; it's not an issue.

 

:iagree:And it would be an issue to me if a man I was getting involved with couldn't see clearly that loyalty is one of my strong suits. The only man in my life who ever "cared" about this was the abuser (and a cheat). Now I see such an opinion of my past as a huge waving red flag.

 

However, if you want to marry a virgin and be his first love, one should expect to bring the same commodity to the table.

[LibraryLover]

 

Anyway, I am proud of her. I know it will take time... ***

 

 

:001_smile: Awwww. That is so sweet. All the best to you and your dd.