********* Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 Dh's mother passed away a year and a half ago. His stepfather now wants us all to meet his girlfriend. They're very serious, talking marriage. Now, I'm not gonna lie, dh's mother and I were not best friends. But this is hard for dh, and I really don't know how the kids are gonna react. And it just all is stressful and not fun. Any advice, commiseration, or just hugs are welcome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GoVanGogh Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 :grouphug: My DH's grandmother passed away when we were dating. His grandfather started dating a year later. My MIL never would accept or meet her father's new girlfriend, thus cutting her father out of her life. I would rather "grin and bear it" than cut out a parent. We are social creatures and are not meant to live alone, I think. It is only natural that his stepfather is ready to date again. It isn't a slight against his mother and nothing personal about their relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PentecostalMom Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 My IL's divorced after 30 years of marriage and FIL now has a gf. We had to meet her on our vacation to Florida this past September. It was awkward and she was trying too hard to make us like her. I have no words of wisdom, just prayers on this new event in your life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unscripted Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 What do you think of the new woman from what you have heard? If it's positive- go, let the children be their entertaining selves- try to keep the conversation light and moving- so that your DH can sit and try to warm up to the idea without having to really *entertain* as such. If it's a so-so, or negative thing- then I would leave the kids at home... And just go with your DH. I think I would still try to keep all of the talk light and moving, to give the woman a chance. But just in case dinner takes a southern direction- you won't have the kids there to witness it and ask a ton of questions. Just my $.02. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jann in TX Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 According to my Dad, Mom was the 'love of his life'. They were married almost 27 years when she died of breast cancer at the age of 44. He started dating a woman from his church 6 months after Mom died. We were all HAPPY for him... he was so lonely without Mom--and she was GONE! He married 9 months after Mom's death. My s-Mom and I have had our rough moments-- but my Dad really loves him and she loves him back! They have been happily married over 20 years now... Her husband died when her children were small--he was the 'love of her life'--- yet she still loves my Dad and he loves her back... I think we limit 'LOVE' too much! My Dad did NOT disrespect my mother's memory or her love when he remarried less than one year after she died. He learned HOW to love by being married to Mom-- and he was capable of loving again BECAUSE of her! Besides that it is really NONE OF MY BUSINESS-- as Dad is an adult! It does help that my s-Mom is a nice person to be around (most of the time)! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unscripted Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 Oh- I wanted to add as advice toyou DH... That the fact that he is getting back into dating and marriage so quickly is a testament to his mother an thier marriage. He wouldn't be jumping back in the saddle so quickly if he didn't enjoy married life. So his new gal just proves how much he loved your DH's mother and being married- and he can't wait to do it again. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommee & Baba Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 I think we limit 'LOVE' too much! My Dad did NOT disrespect my mother's memory or her love when he remarried less than one year after she died. He learned HOW to love by being married to Mom-- and he was capable of loving again BECAUSE of her! Besides that it is really NONE OF MY BUSINESS-- as Dad is an adult! Very well said!! I'm sorry for your losses ladies. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twilight Woods Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 It was awkward and she was trying too hard to make us like her. Poor thing! Better than not giving two hoots, really. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 He wouldn't be jumping back in the saddle so quickly if he didn't enjoy married life. :lol::lol::lol::lol: So true, but this line reminds me of the "plowing a damp field" controversy. :leaving: (but maybe that isn't what the OP wants to think about) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 I think we limit 'LOVE' too much! :iagree: Also keep in perspective the idea of wanting to remarry. I know someone who was a loving, dedicated husband of someone who took 12 years to die of cancer, but once she was gone, it was Boing, boing, boing, boing, bed to bed to bed. Bet his kids would love him to remarry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKidAcademy Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 It's hard. My dad married his lady friend yesterday (my mom died 4yrs ago). I congratulated him (over the phone - we are 1200 miles apart), hung up, and proceeded to cry. He's happy, taking care of himself (73yo), and living life - all good things. It's just hard. I know that Wendy ^^^ is right though. It's not about me, and I don't want him to be lonely. Best wishes to your dh during this time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TKDmom Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 My dad just remarried, about 5 years after my mom died. He had 2 other serious relationships before he met his current wife. It's awkward for me. I want him to be happy, and I'm happy for him, but I can't help being a little uncomfortable with the whole thing. I have always put a happy face on and welcomed his girlfriends. It's not my job to judge his relationships and my discomfort is not his problem. My kids have been great about it. They were never particularly close with my mom, and they take everything in stride. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 I wish my FIL had remarried. His wife died in her 50s (cancer) and he was just a shell of himself after that. I really don't think (most) men do well alone, esp. if they have been married before. I think he thought it would have been disloyal to date (and I think he feared the family's reaction, esp. her siblings/dad). He grieved by taking terrible care of himself (smoking a lot, eating badly) and died of a heart attack 5 years after she did. It's hard not to think that his life would have been longer had he allowed himself to find another woman to love/be loved by. :( I know it's awkward. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BamaTanya Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 And I know how your dh feels. Sigh. It hurts because Mom is gone and because I don't feel like I'm a part of his home now. KWIM? Still. It's SO much better than watching him stuck in his grief. He has someone to share his life. Someone to eat with, to travel with, to go to church with. I don't worry about him because he's smiling again. Taking care of himself. Making plans. I don't know why Dad wanted to remarry so soon and I don't know why he picked her. But it's his choice. He always supported my dreams and goals. What kind of daughter would I be if I couldn't support and accept him when he'd found someone to love? :grouphug: to you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 One of my dearest friends is a retiree in Florida. Her husband passed away after more than forty years of marriage. It had been a loving marriage and great partnership. Her loneliness after he passed was profound. It was really just awful. She did meet someone and fell in love. It was a surprise to all who knew her. However, her husband is a great guy who treats her well, and she does not have to live with that crushing loneliness anymore. She truly loves him. She also truly loved her former husband. It has been incredibly difficult for her three adult children to accept her husband, nice guy though he is. They've been married for a few years now, and the marriage is a good one, but her children really struggle seeing her with someone other than their father. Your poor dh's struggle is normal. I hope he can find the strength to get to know the new spouse, and to like her for his father's sake. With time and practice it does get easier, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 My sympathies. My wonderful mother, who is usually quite sensible, is marrying someone I do. not. like. Fortunately we live too far away to attend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: You know, y'all just gotta grin and bear it. This woman will be the gatekeeper for your fil. It isn't her fault that your mil passed away. Everyone will be happier if y'all determine in your heart of hearts to love this woman and make her feel part of the family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 (edited) :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Edited October 28, 2011 by MariannNOVA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mandymom Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 (edited) Speaking as someone who is/was "the next wife".... It's a hard place for his girlfriend too. She is most likely very apprehensive as well. My dh's first wife passed away in childbirth. My dh had a 3 year old and 6 week old when I met him. He wasn't looking to date anyone, much less "replace" his wife (which he could never do...I didn't know her, but I know she was a beautiful woman). It just happened. I didn't have to meet his adult children (they were just babies, and that's hard enough), but I had to meet all his family, HER family, HER friends, ect. Can I just say that it was WAY WAY WAY harder than I ever even expected? I faced all the comments about how he was just looking for someone to take care of his kids, making comparisons between us, and generally not liking me simply because I was not his first wife. We even had someone sending him really ugly things in the mail about how he never loved his first wife and must be glad she was dead. It was horrible. However, his first dw's best friend and her sister both made it a point to accept me right from the start. They loved me and didn't judge me, even though it was absolutely the hardest thing they could do in their grief. It was because of their love and acceptance that others gave me a chance. We married 4 1/2 months after meeting each other because we knew that it was what was supposed to happen. It's still hard 10 years later with some family members, but overall, things are good. I am also really close to his first dw's family now. They are wonderful! I don't have any advice for meeting a parent or parent in-law's new girlfriend other than give them both a chance. At least with my dh, it had absolutely nothing to do with replacement of his first wife, and she most likely doesn't have ANY desire to BE a replacement. Edited October 28, 2011 by mandymom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 If I were a woman who fell in love with a widowered man, I would hope that his family would be kind to me. Treat her as you would like to be treated, if you were a single woman engaged to a widower. (Do unto others, you know.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Also the "replacement" wife and I think it's sort of cruel to imply that men grieve less than women. It may look different, but it sorts of rubs me wrong to imply that if men don't grieve the same way women grieve, it's not actually grief. At the same time, I think it's entirely normal for a child to find it hard when a parent remarries. It's not selfish to find it hard. My Mom hasn't remarried yet and isn't dating, but honestly, some days everything is hard. Currently, it's hard that the leaves are falling and another autumn is passing without him here to see it. It's hard that we have Christmas. It's hard when someone tells me their Dad is playing golf. Why can't my Dad still be playing golf? It's hard when I get a photo of the children, and I can't show it to him. The degree to which I am capable of feeling intensely sad and angry is probably weird to someone who hasn't lost a parent. My Mom going on a date would stir up all kinds of feelings. I am an adult. Of course I would act nice and try to honor her and welcome him. But I would have to have my private tears - not so much that Mom shouldn't remarry, but that my Dad shouldn't have died in the first place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhonda in TX Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 My father remarried a year and a half after my mom passed away. I was sad for me because of all the changes this would bring, but very happy for my dad. He and my mom had a wonderful life together and I know he was lonely. His new wife is a lovely lady. I would give the girlfriend a chance and try to be happy for the stepfather. All that said, I know it's not easy. {{hugs}} Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Dh's mother passed away a year and a half ago. His stepfather now wants us all to meet his girlfriend. They're very serious, talking marriage. I hope the meeting went well. I know it's hard for your dh, but he was meeting just this one new person. His stepfather's girlfriend had to meet an entire family, and probably a bunch of your dh's mom's old friends, as well. If she is even a remotely nice woman, she was probably a nervous wreck about making a good impression, so I hope everyone gave her the benefit of the doubt and welcomed her into the family. I feel badly for your dh, though, as it's hard not to see this woman as an interloper and a "replacement" for his mom. It would be very difficult not to think of how unfair it is that his mom is gone and his stepfather is moving ahead with his life. I think it's just a natural reaction, but if he loves his stepfather, I hope he can be supportive of his new relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5kidsforME Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Speaking as someone who is/was "the next wife".... It's a hard place for his girlfriend too. She is most likely very apprehensive as well. My dh's first wife passed away in childbirth. My dh had a 3 year old and 6 week old when I met him. He wasn't looking to date anyone, much less "replace" his wife (which he could never do...I didn't know her, but I know she was a beautiful woman). It just happened. I didn't have to meet his adult children (they were just babies, and that's hard enough), but I had to meet all his family, HER family, HER friends, ect. Can I just say that it was WAY WAY WAY harder than I ever even expected. I faced all the comments about how he was just looking for someone to take care of his kids, making comparisons between us, and generally not liking me simply because I was not his first wife. We even had someone sending him really ugly things in the mail about how he never loved his first wife and must be glad she was dead. It was horrible. However, his first dw's best friend and her sister both made it a point to accept me right from the start. They loved me and didn't judge me, even though it was absolutely the hardest thing they could do in their grief. It was because of their love and acceptance that others gave me a chance. We married 3 months after meeting each other because we knew that it was what was supposed to happen. It's still hard 10 years later with some family members, but overall, things are good. I am also really close to his first dw's family now. They are wonderful! I don't have any advice for meeting a parent or parent in-law's new girlfriend other than give them both a chance. At least with my dh, it had absolutely nothing to do with replacement of his first wife, and she most likely doesn't have ANY desire to BE a replacement. So you ended up getting married 4 months after his first wife died? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 Dh's mother passed away a year and a half ago. His stepfather now wants us all to meet his girlfriend. They're very serious, talking marriage. Now, I'm not gonna lie, dh's mother and I were not best friends. But this is hard for dh, and I really don't know how the kids are gonna react. And it just all is stressful and not fun. Any advice, commiseration, or just hugs are welcome. My mom remarried several yrs after my father pasted away. My mom and her new husband were very happy but I have several siblings that DID. NOT. LIKE. HIM! Be fore it was all said and done they managed to break my mom and her new husband up. It was very heart wrenching. I would say that unless the lady appears to be dangerous:tongue_smilie: do all you can to embrace her and welcome her into the family. Be yourself and let her be herself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mandymom Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 So you ended up getting married 4 months after his first wife died? We married 6 months after she passed. It was a little over 3 months after I met his (and her) family for the first time. I guess I wasn't completely clear in my first post. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5kidsforME Posted October 28, 2011 Share Posted October 28, 2011 We married 6 months after she passed. It was a little over 3 months after I met his (and her) family for the first time. I see. That must have been hard. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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