If you come from a bad/poor upbringing ...

[hsmom23]

and had a lot of bad habits engrained as a child. How did you overcome those bad habits for your children. I know that is very vague so I will elaborate some. I was the oldest of four children. My mom has been married four times and all of these men had drug/alcohol problems and most of my life has been spent being in charge of my four younger siblings. No one ever taught me how to be disciplined, brush my teeth every day, regular personal hygeine, how to keep up with a home. Also, I was never really mothered, so I have no concept of how that looks and I am trying to recreate from scratch. I feel like my brain has been wired backwards and I am trying to rewire it. I struggle to be the mothering, plugged in mother who is not "bugged" by her children. We were always just shuffled off to the side by my mom so she could live her life and while I know I have come a long way with my kids from what my childhood looked like, I know I am not where I want to be. I was wondering if there are other moms who grew up this way, who faught through all the built in tendencies and are now coming out on the other end. Do you have any advice?? Some things that helped you along the way?? Resources that stuck with you?? I find things that make sense, but I still have a very hard time doing the right things "in the moment." My wiring takes over and then I hate myself after I have raised my voice or not taken time for them like I should or resorted to movies to get them out of my hair, etc. Don't get me wrong, there is no abuse or anything so no flaming! I am just trying to be a better mother to my three girls! :bigear:

[Bang!Zoom!]

What a good question.

 

On the educational facet of this, the question brings to mind one of my very ever best favorite threads on this site.

 

This is it, headed up by the wonderful and amazing person who is the poster Hunter.

 

Enjoy this, it's just excellent. :001_smile:

 

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=296454&highlight=how+many+generations

[redsquirrel]

I think you make some amazing female friends and learn from them. I wish I had a better answer than that, but I have seen that be very effective.

 

and I just really want to give you :grouphug: because you deserve them. I think what you are asking is very admirable. You know there is an issue and you know where it comes from. You know you want to change. Right there is about 80% of the battle.

 

Have you considered seeing a therapist? I only ask because you need some space to grieve and mourn what you didn't get, a safe place to admit what you don't know. If you found the right therapist it could be an amazing experience for you.

 

Good luck to you.

[MelAR05]

and had a lot of bad habits engrained as a child. How did you overcome those bad habits for your children. I know that is very vague so I will elaborate some. I was the oldest of four children. My mom has been married four times and all of these men had drug/alcohol problems and most of my life has been spent being in charge of my four younger siblings. No one ever taught me how to be disciplined, brush my teeth every day, regular personal hygeine, how to keep up with a home. Also, I was never really mothered, so I have no concept of how that looks and I am trying to recreate from scratch. I feel like my brain has been wired backwards and I am trying to rewire it. I struggle to be the mothering, plugged in mother who is not "bugged" by her children. We were always just shuffled off to the side by my mom so she could live her life and while I know I have come a long way with my kids from what my childhood looked like, I know I am not where I want to be. I was wondering if there are other moms who grew up this way, who faught through all the built in tendencies and are now coming out on the other end. Do you have any advice?? Some things that helped you along the way?? Resources that stuck with you?? I find things that make sense, but I still have a very hard time doing the right things "in the moment." My wiring takes over and then I hate myself after I have raised my voice or not taken time for them like I should or resorted to movies to get them out of my hair, etc. Don't get me wrong, there is no abuse or anything so no flaming! I am just trying to be a better mother to my three girls! :bigear:

 

Can I just say, "Wow!" I could have written the EXACT same post. Not kidding. I am the oldest of four, the personal hygiene issue, struggle with mothering (esp. sitting down and playing with them), and I was the mother to my siblings as well as my mother. Never any physical or other kind of abuse, except neglect. The only difference was she just remarried once, though now divorced. But my mom and stepfather would smoke pot in front of us and even grew it in the house. :( At least it kept me from the desire to do drugs of any sort. You can say I rebeled against them.

 

Feel free to PM me. I also feel like everything I do to be a good mother is more work than normal because I don't have a frame of reference.

 

BTW, I have 3 girls too. :001_smile:

 

And I am :bigear: as well.

[Anne in CA]

I could have written parts of your post myself. My mother and father were married my whole childhood, but my mother lived in a pit of depression for years. She got partly better when she got a job but she was never a mother, just didn't have it in her. She always has minimized whatever needs or problems I had, so I have little perspective about taking emotional care of myself.

 

I love the advice about having good female friends. This doesn't work out for me much, I am a natural caretaker, from years of taking care of my younger siblings while my mother worked I guess, so I don't easily make friends with people who don't need something. Sad, isn't it? I do have some good friends, but they are not people to learn the sort of things a mother should teach from.

 

Lack of mothering leaves a big hole in a persons life. I strive very hard to be a good mother to my own kids. My biggest goal is simply to do as much better than my own mother than I can. She wasn't evil or abusive, she just wasn't nurturing. I try to nurture my kids. I certainly cringe when I think I might sound like my own mother though.

[Little Nyssa]

My own mom suffered from severe mental illness and I often feel like you. Here's what I have done to try and fill this gap:

-read a lot of parenting books, and websites

-occasionally go to parenting classes

-identify people who are good parents and do what they do

-ask, ask, ask all the time: what would you do in this situation? How do you cope with this? to other parents, family members. I have gotten a lot less shy about asking. I used to feel like I needed to prove I could do it all by myself.

-take care of myself (enough rest, etc) so that I can be really intentional about what I do with the kids, and not be ready to fly off the handle at a moment's notice.

-I also read a lot of books about housekeeping and cooking, since I wasn't taught them.

:grouphug:

[Rosie_0801]

Don't beat yourself up when you mess up. Everyone messes up and no one can reach perfection in one lifetime. There's a lot to be said for trying. Kids can give you credit for trying even when you're not getting it quite right.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[veggiegal]

I look to others as role models; I read extensively; I question what I am doing, why I am feeling what I am feeling, what sort of family I want to have. All things I am sure you do to. And at the end of the day, I think over generations. Maybe it's a cop-out, but I don't think I can fix everything in one fell swoop. I screw up, I am human, and as much as I want my family life to be a certain way and strive for it every day, when under intense pressure (money worries, health worries, lack of sleep, PMS, all of the above...) my 'lizard brain' takes over and I resort to some pretty ugly behaviour that I had modeled for me over and over growing up. Sigh. It is sooooo hard. This is not the person I want to be.

 

But I take comfort in the fact I am trying to do better, that I think about my actions (including the lizard brain ones) and apologize--something my parents certainly never did--and I know that I am setting up healthier family dynamics than my parents did for me. (And to be fair, in many ways they were better than their parents. If I look back generations, I can see where their way of being in the world comes from). And I hope that my kids can carry the torch even further, and do even better for their kids, and grandkids, and so on.

 

Hugs to you; I know how hard this is when your brain is simply wired--shall we say--non-optimally' for the kind of person you want to be as an adult. But simply striving and asking and questioning is to be commended.

 

Keep trying to find things that work for you. One thing that works for me is inspiring quotes. Stephen Covey's one about "between stimulus and response there is a space, and in that space is our freedom to choose" has been helpful for me; as has his one about the analogy between flying a plane and directing a family: you've got a destination in mind, but you'll be off course 90% of the time! Just keep coming back to centre. Don't think I'm a '7 Habits' crazed-person from this--my sources of inspiration range from this sort of pop psychology to philosophy, TV shows, relatives, whatever. The Covey ones just popped to mind. TV shows have actually been a huge influence on my life. I sometimes describe my parenting style as a cross between Mrs. Cleaver, Mrs. Brady, and Roseanne! :tongue_smilie:

 

Celebrate your successes; apologize when you screw up; let your kids know your struggles are about YOU and not about THEM; and move on. Keep striving. Your children will be so much better off as adults than you were, and your struggles will continue to echo down the generations. It is so, so hard, but so, so worth it.

[sewingmama]

I struggle to be the mothering, plugged in mother who is not "bugged" by her children.

 

I had a mostly normal upbringing and I still struggle with this ;) I don't think you are doing too badly.

 

I grew up in a single parent household - (no dad) so I really struggle with my marriage. I basically don't know how to work as a team because all I ever saw was my mother doing everything on her own and making all the decisions - so I really value my independence.

 

My mother grew up in a very abusive home (physical, sexual, emotional). She was not a perfect mother but she didn't do a single one of those things to us kids and we had a fairly normal childhood -so I class her as a huge success -although there were other things that could have been better KWIM. Coming from her brackground I'm just amazed she wasn't a mental mess -but she survived and didn't pass on her abusive past as a legacy. :001_smile:

[Mama Geek]

I think having good role models and having a dh you is willing to help you work on you are both ways of overcoming a lot of things.

[cuckoomamma]

I think having a good support system, not choosing to spend time with people who don't parent well is vital. I know that I'm a much better parent when I'm surrounded by good parenting and can give in to less-than-stellar parenting when around others who don't parent well.

 

La Leche was a great place for me to meet like-minded mothers, and while my girls aren't babies anymore, I still find the type of women it attracts to be more my kind of mothers than less :-)

 

Raising our Children Raising Ourselves, Unconditional Parenting, any loving guidance books are really helpful. I find that if I'm not reading at least one a year I begin to slip and get grouchy.

 

I've waited my whole life for a loving family, so I love spending time with our girls. My challenge is getting grouchy over stupid things and not letting go. I had a very intense father and find myself looking more like him than I'd like at times.

 

As for personal hygiene, I consider it a huge accomplishment that my girls brush their teeth every day and look put together in clean clothes that match. I'm sure some people think I'm over involved, but coming from a home where no one really cared about me, I want my kids to know that I care about them.

 

I think the fact that you're concerned means a great deal about you. My mom reads and reads and reads and yet still hasn't read a parenting book! Your children are lucky to have you :-)

[amy g.]

It helps me that I have a very stable and nurturing husband. I have never seen another father who is so focused and involved with his children.

 

I agree that studying helps. I earned an early childhood degree before getting married.

 

I find it very ironic that I have friends who tell me they have learned so much about parenting from me, and if they had known me when their children were newborns they would have done everything differently.

 

There are plenty of habits and behaviors I'm still trying to change, but if I keep at it, I figure I'll be one heck of a grandmother!

[JVA]

You might find some help in this book:

The Mom Factor by Cloud/Townsend

http://www.amazon.com/FACTOR-Henry-Cloud-John-Townsend/dp/B000OT4PS0/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1318506120&sr=8-3

 

I had a detached mother growing up and this was a valuable resource to help me understand what a mother's impact on a child is SUPPOSED to be and the different types of mothers there actually are. They also give much advice on how to deal with your mom and the effects of your experience. It really helped me.

[Sweetpeach]

There are plenty of habits and behaviors I'm still trying to change, but if I keep at it, I figure I'll be one heck of a grandmother!

 

 

Yes!

 

I'll remember that once upon a time, I was a sketchy housekeeper, a horrible meal-planner and didn't have my mothering philosophy worked out in the first six months of becoming a parent and I will show TREMENDOUS GRACE AND KINDNESS AND ACCEPTANCE towards my future d-in-laws!

 

Warmly, Tricia

[WishboneDawn]

A great book for giving you the tools to build a foundation for your parenting is Barbara Coloroso's Kids Are Worth It!. It won't give you point by point advice but rather give you the tools to really think about what you wnt for your kids in the long run and how to help them get there. I think you'd really find it useful.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug: what a great gift to give your children: a mother who loves them enough to become all she can be!

 

you've had great advice. for us, "peaceful parents, peaceful kids" by naomi drew helped more than anything else, because she gives specific things to try. eg. spend 15 minutes alone with each child each day. we discovered we couldn't figure out how to work that, but 15 minutes alone with a different child each day transformed our lives. some of her other suggestions include "catching them being good", and working on deciding what we are going to do when we're upset before it happens, which increases the odds of not just replaying the childhood tape in our own heads. (and my childhood tape was pretty good, but there were changes i wanted to make)

 

there are structural things you can do that make it less of an uphill battle. getting rid of cable was the one thing we did that has made a larger difference than any other single thing. it meant that we weren't fighting an uphill battle about attitude and "stuff".

 

i love the idea of reading and mentors, etc, etc, but i am a one step at a time person, so i spent a lot of time working on our mornings before school starts. what did i want them to be like? how would i get there?

 

i started with food, and making sure i sat down and ate with them. then we added in reading aloud at breakfast. then i went backwards. what did i do when i got up in the morning so that the day unfolded well? for me, this involves sitting with dh and drinking coffee with classical music in the background. we experimented and discovered that we were all in a better mood when it was mozart. i read flylady, and discovered she suggested rebooting the bathroom, putting in a load of laundry and rebooting the dishwasher. even after 10 years of trying, i am not rebooting the bathroom before coffee. it is simply Not Happening. but i do empty the dishwasher while the coffee is brewing so it is ready to be loaded after breakfast. and i start a load of laundry most mornings, too. i am still half asleep; its easier ; ).

 

what this does for us is it starts our mornings off well, and that sets the tone for the rest of the day. it is definitely a "one step forward, one step back" kind of thing, but by focusing on one significant goal each month, each week and/or each day, it just gets better.

 

will there be Moments? of course. will there even be Days? definitely. but the general trend will get better and better.....

 

:grouphug:

ann

[saraha]

I read your op and thought, oh my gosh, are you me? One thing I did was to make a list of the things I wish my mom had done/said to me, but I also made a list of the (few) things I thought she did right. Knowing that she was mothering better than her mother and had some successes, helped me to see that now I am mothering better than my mother and will have successes and failures. Looking generationally, like someone else said, also helps me keep it in perspective, and helps me keep some respect for her when sometimes I just want to throw her out the window. I also now recognize that (years later, after becoming a parent and making some of the same mistakes) she loved me the best way she could, just like I love my kids.

 

Catching them doing something good, and forcing myself to take time to listen to them helps. And a lot of the time it is forcing myself, but I am almost always glad I did. I also had to make sure that I made myself hug ( a real, good hug) each child at least once a day (I have 6). I haven't brought myself to the point where I can sit at the table and eat a meal with them unless husband is home yet, but I try to stay at the table for part of the meal. And I apologize to them. That is something my mother never did, but I apologize to them a lot, for losing my temper, not listening, not taking them seriously, etc. I also decided how I want my children to remember me when they are grown. Now whether they will or not is another story... But I want them to remember me as a mom who could be silly and fun, cooked and baked a lot, loved them and their dad fiercely, tried to respect them and be someone they could respect. I remind myself of these goals and try to make it a point to do things to reach these goals. They are not automatic, I have to plan silly times and such because they don't come naturally. My husband has told me though that he has seen such a difference in me in relation to my younger self when it comes to both the kids and him.

 

Sorry this is so long. You are doing a great job, and you and the relationship with your children and husband will evolve over time, so you probably won't even see the successes until they are in the rearview mirror:001_smile:

[hsmom23]

Thank you all for the support and the responses, there is a lot of good advice that I will come back to often, and a lot of encouragement. Also a lot of books to look for. :tongue_smilie: It helps to know I am not alone and that there are others that understand what its like to feel like you are fighting a daily uphill battle and how much energy that takes. I know I battle depression, not debilitating depression, but minor depression that makes daily living more difficult.

 

Ok, now I am gonna brag!

 

It helps me that I have a very stable and nurturing husband. I have never seen another father who is so focused and involved with his children.

:iagree:THIS! There are two people in this world that it would be incredibly hard to live without. My husband is #1, he is the most gracious and understanding man in the world and an awesome father. He is my glue that hold me together when things get rough. And TracyP who is the best IRL friend that a lady can have and is more of a help than I am sure she even realizes! She challenges me to be a better woman/mom/friend/wife and yet does it in a way that is loving and encouraging! Couldn't ask for better support system that way.

[hsmom23]

Yes!

 

I'll remember that once upon a time, I was a sketchy housekeeper, a horrible meal-planner and didn't have my mothering philosophy worked out in the first six months of becoming a parent and I will show TREMENDOUS GRACE AND KINDNESS AND ACCEPTANCE towards my future d-in-laws!

 

Warmly, Tricia

 

 

:iagree: I hope this is the case(with my own daughters)! That I can be available and there for my daughters as they grow into adulthood. I feel like how I learn to treat them now will carry over and I wanna be close to them as adults. To show them I love them no matter what.

[Oakblossoms]

I have tried to be truthful with my children. As they have grown, they have learned bits about my childhood and my husbands. I use Grace as the foundation of my approach to discipline. When I mess up I ask for forgiveness. I make friends with women I admire. I do not have a lot of free time, so if I hang out with another family it better be a good fit. i have a few larger families and we try to spend time with them.

 

We pray together. We homeschool, so we can have time together.

[melissel]

I didn't manage to read the whole thread, but I often feel a lot like you. My childhood was fine, but I was left alone a lot by parents who worked a lot of hours and struggled to pay the bills, and who, in reacting to their own micromanaged and overly controlled (and moderately abusive) childhoods, believed that independence was good for me. And it was, but like you, even in a stable family, I had no one guiding me and teaching me good habits and good, hands-on parenting. Plus, I was an only child, so I never got to observe any parenting objectively and learn from that.

 

So I wanted to chime in with a few things. I agree about hanging around with parents who make you want to do better yourself (just remember that they have less-than-shining moments too, don't let their good qualities start to make you feel worse about yourself!). My best friend (also a member here--in fact, she was the one who introduced me to the board :tongue_smilie:) has been the strongest influence on my parenting. She's a much more patient and kind mom than I am, and I try to learn from that. I have a group of other women that I look to in that regard as well, though much less so.

 

I also agree about reading. I've even gone so far as to write reminders to myself about how I want to react to things and habits I'm trying to cultivate. I've been in a place now where I'm not reading so much about parenting, but a season is about to begin (for my DD9) that I'm not feeling prepared for, so I'll be researching soon too! But I've been active on this forum and another parenting forum for years, and I've learned SO MUCH from reading and posting on both sites.

 

I don't know if anyone has mentioned this, but one of the keys for me has been completely open communication with my girls. I talk to them about my childhood and how I want theirs to be different, about mistakes I've made parenting already and things I wish I'd done differently, how I'm trying to improve myself and make their lives better, how sometimes I may seem mean and awful and why I acted the way I did (whether I'm apologizing for it or explaining the reason behind my "meanness"), etc. Your girls are young, of course, but even with my just-turned-six-year-old, I still have these conversations at an age-appropriate level. I make sure I don't blame anyone in my life for anything they did or didn't do in my childhood. But we do talk about the differences between my childhood and theirs.

 

As much I want to be able to tuck the girls in bed at night and flip off the light, I still lay with them for awhile most nights, because it gives us some talking time. It's OK for them to know you're not perfect and that you constantly strive to improve yourself as a person and a parent (while still upholding your authority, of course!). Just keep talking and talking to them, and keep the relationship open as they grow. My mom and I are very close, and I don't hold anything against her. In spite of all we went through, our relationship was always pretty open, and I think that meant a lot.

 

Good luck :grouphug: By seeing your flaws (and we all have them--my worst ones are my short fuse and my sharp tongue :blushing:) and working to address them, you're already proving that you're a wonderful mama.

Edited October 13, 2011 by melissel

[melissel]

:iagree: I hope this is the case(with my own daughters)! That I can be available and there for my daughters as they grow into adulthood. I feel like how I learn to treat them now will carry over and I wanna be close to them as adults. To show them I love them no matter what.

 

And about this, my mom has matured greatly in the years since she parented me to adulthood (she had me at an immature 18). She's a researcher by nature too and has helped me to be a better mom, sharing her experiences from her childhood with me to help me understand my DDs. So while you may not have the benefit of this from your own mom, your knowledge can help your daughters discover the kind of mothers they want to be as well.

[BarbecueMom]

I was raised by a working single mom who had no energy at the end of the day to be a parent, so I struggle with many of the same things. Oh the teeth brushing! I want to cry every time I just give up and put the kids to bed with unbrushed teeth, because I don't want them to end up a dentist's cash cow like me.

 

I also struggle a lot with thinking that I am spoiling my kids with my time and attention and financial stability. If I grew up with hardship and forced independence, what will happen to my kids, growing up in a stable, loving home where sometimes they ask for something and the answer is not always no? We take them out most weekends to do fun stuff, like the zoo, museums, pumpkin patch, etc. Most of these things are free, but this is stuff I never did as a child. If they show an interest in something, I feel it's my job to help them navigate the "open doors and windows". When I had an interest growing up, the most my mom could do was say, "That's great, honey." As far as I can remember, I've known that you could lose your water or electricity, or wake up and the car is repossessed, or be told to move in two weeks because the bank is taking the house. Am I depriving them of some sort of major life coping skill by giving them stability? I know I'm being ridiculous, but a stable family life is, at times, still awkward.

[hsmom23]

I know I'm being ridiculous, but a stable family life is, at times, still awkward.

:iagree: And isn't this sad! Stable, low-key, drama free family life is awkward. This is the kind of thing I am trying to get across in this question. How do you make stable, low-key, drama free family life normal to your children (despite the fact that we live in a camper half the year:tongue_smilie:). LOL! But seriously, that doesn't have to mean high drama, high key living. But there is a balance to everything and I find myself doing a balancing act all the time!

[butterflymommy]

I often wonder why my parents had children. They never seemed to like us (putting it politely here...), never had a kind word for us. All I can think is that we were born just under the gun for Roe vs. Wade. I won't go into detail but it was an abusive, crazy-making childhood. I don't talk about it with my kids at all-- if they ask me anything about my childhood, even small questions, I tell them I can't remember.

 

For a while I was really into attachment parenting but as my children got older, and as I had more children, I realized that this philosophy has a host of its own problems. I don't "define" my parenting anymore. I just try to be kind to them, as kind as I can be, but also hold them to standards as far as being productive, helpful, and unselfish. When I'm really stuck I imagine what my parents would have done, and I do the opposite.

 

Like barbecuemom I worry I'm spoiling them by giving them such a stable, simple, provided-for life. I worry it will be a real shock when they get out into the real world. I worry I'm too soft on them academically and in terms of discipline. Only time will tell I guess. There's no guarantee our children will turn out to be the people we hope they will be, or that they'll live the kind of life we hope they'll live. That goes for even the best of parents.

[TeaCookiesBears]

-ask, ask, ask all the time: what would you do in this situation? How do you cope with this? to other parents, family members. I have gotten a lot less shy about asking. I used to feel like I needed to prove I could do it all by myself.

 

:grouphug:

 

:iagree:This is what I do too.

[fairfarmhand]

perhaps focus on one area at a time. You cannot do a total 180 on your personality/style all at once. So instead of just saying "What;s the use?" Think of one thing....say. spending 30 minutes per day, one on one, positive time with each child. And then do it every day for a month.

 

After that work on the other stuff...yelling, housecleaning, healthy food one thing at a time.

 

I'd make a list, prioritize it (the things that you are most ashamed about) and then do it.

 

(PS making a conscious decision to spend that positive time w/each kid will make you closer to them so that some other negatives will be easier to conquer)

[veggiegal]

A great book for giving you the tools to build a foundation for your parenting is Barbara Coloroso's Kids Are Worth It!. It won't give you point by point advice but rather give you the tools to really think about what you wnt for your kids in the long run and how to help them get there. I think you'd really find it useful.

 

:iagree:

 

My fave 'parenting' book of them all.

[Stacy in NJ]

The single characteristic most dysfunctional families share is chaos. To build a healthier family life you need to create structure or, if you prefer, call it a rhythm. You need a rhyme and reason to the things you do every day - a pattern or habit. But find the structure that works for you and your family. Don't adopt those of another family; it won't feel natural. If you hate getting up early, don't decide to become an early riser just because you think you should. Work with your own nature patterns.

 

Figure out a handful of habits that lead to a more peaceful day - waking at a certain time, eating meals together, doing certain chores daily, bedtime routines - and incorporate them SLOWLY until they are habits. As those habits become ingrained, you'll become more comfortable within this structure and be able to tweak and refine it.

 

I had nothing like a normal family life as a child and had to figure out how to create one for my own family out of whole cloth. It's been an adventure. :D

 

ETA: Just elaborating further....

The best way to begin creating structure is by using food as a primary tool. Food is a wonderful bonding agent. Plan meals and meal times. You don't need to be a great cook or even a good cook - just cook and eat together. Waking and bedtimes are another great and natural tool.

 

I do realize that you might be asking more specifically about parenting, better parenting (patience with your kiddos, truly engaging with them) will become more natural if you have daily predictable household habits. Better parenting will flow out of an organized and calm home.

Edited October 14, 2011 by Stacy in NJ

[redheadmom]

Like barbecuemom I worry I'm spoiling them by giving them such a stable, simple, provided-for life. I worry it will be a real shock when they get out into the real world. I worry I'm too soft on them academically and in terms of discipline. Only time will tell I guess. There's no guarantee our children will turn out to be the people we hope they will be, or that they'll live the kind of life we hope they'll live. That goes for even the best of parents.

 

I think that becoming a parent shows us some of the dysfunction in our childhood regardless how seemingly normal. I had a warm, loving, normal childhood yet I now realize that certain aspects were highly dysfunctional and I struggle with them today.

 

I think that regardless of our upbringing, this is something that we all worry about. I constantly wonder what the future impact will be of some of the decisions I am making. Do I give them too much? Are they selfish? Do I give them too little? Are they deprived?