Ballet moms! Help dealing with disappointment...

[LNC]

edited for privacy...

Edited September 15, 2011 by LNC

[linders]

:grouphug: for you and DD! I am not a ballet mom, but based on your information I have to wonder if it is time to have a heart-to-heart with the studio director about DD's future. It sounds like she may never be able go much further in ballet because of her physical limitations - the director may be able to tell you. If this is going to cause great pain, as she sees girls she "grew up" with move on, perhpas it is time to gently steer her into a new passion. Perhaps another dance form (jazz?) where technique is less rigourous, or even another art form (a musical instrument) where her physical condition is not so limiting.

 

If she were having fun and still enjoying it, I would not suggest this, but it sounds like it is really getting to her.

[mom2scouts]

:grouphug: It sounds like she really loves ballet, but her physical issues will always make it difficult. Since she's not planning on dancing in college or professionally, would she consider going to a less rigorous dance school where the teaching might not be as good, but she'll get more opportunities? Or as the other poster said, would she try some other forms of dance? Her ballet background could make her really good in jazz. If she wants to stay at the current school and continue with ballet, you both need to sit down with the studio director and talk about her goals and options. I know it's hard to not be as good as you want at something you love (and twice as hard on Mom!), but she may need to just enjoy dancing and understand that she may never get those coveted parts.:sad:

[duckens]

If your daughter doesn't want to quit, then I know you will support her as well as you can to continue.

 

She is 12, so she is aware of her physical limitations/challenges as stated by the doctor.

 

Since you know she will not want to quit, then she is still getting something out of this, even if she cannot perform at the level she wishes she could. Perhaps she is wiser than most children her age to know that she may never be of a certain level, but to simply do this activity because she loves it and she will get out of it whatever she gets out of it.

 

But that doesn't mean that she doesn't feel hurt and disappointment. A part of this is peer recognition/admiration and peer perception of your daughter's abilities or enthusiasm/laziness based on her assigned role. Unfortunately, peers know nothing of how hard your daughter has worked. It is an accident of physiology....and peers aren't always sensitive to that.

 

Many, many :grouphug: to you and your daughter.

[IsabelC]

I think the previous comment is spot on. I'm in awe of your dd's commitment and perserverence, but by now the teachers should have a good idea of her potential, and if she is physically incapable of dancing the roles the wants, she deserves to be told this. She needs your support to decide whether it's worthwhile continuing for the fitness, enjoyment etc.

[bettyandbob]

For activities like this I let my dd make the decision as long as it is within our family's financial and time costs. My dd was dancing 5 days a week, including pointe classes, when she announced she needed to stop. She always knew she wasn't going to try to be professional and she always knew that the school had a place for her and other students like her.

 

The only thing I told her when she quit is she must come up with a new (or a couple of new) physical activity to replace the dance time.

 

If I were in your situation, I'd try to be a sounding board. I'd wouldn't intervene--spending a lot of time talking to instructors and making suggestions to dd. I think by the time my dd was 11 or 12 she was old enough/mature enough to look at a situation like this and figure out what was important to her. The thing I had to do was hold myself back from making decisions for her/pushing her one direction or the other. (It's hard to hold myself back)

 

When I am acting as a sounding board for my dd, sometimes (sparingly) I will point out other things she could do/other things her friends do or try to get her to think about her ultimate goals. I knew a girl at our studio, a neighbor, who knew she would never be professional, but kept up ballet and attended a college with a ballet program because ballet was a stress release activity for her--it must of worked because while she kept up dance through college she finished a premed program and just started med school last month. So, I guess if I thought ballet had become a real source of pain, I would start pushing my dd to really think about her involvement/what it does for her/her goals. After she went through that process she could still want to do ballet but with a new mental approach (not a comparison to classmates, but how she feels internally)

[lmrich]

:grouphug: That is so hard. I agree with others to look for another studio that encourages a more relaxed attitude. I bet she will be a beautiful modern dancer or even a ballroom dancer. She has so many opportunites in front of her.

 

I tell my kids when they have to deal with such disappoint, "I wonder what God has planned for you now." Afterall sometimes a path is blocked because you are supposed to explore another.

[JenC3]

She may come to the decision on her on, but it may take a few more years if you are willing to wait. My dd is in year 5 and I recently spoke with a mom who daughter just left our school/company. I was surprised, she was doing well and moving up etc. But the mom said her dd just felt out of place (she is short and roundish) and wanted to concentrate on her freshman year of HS. They are also homeschoolers and the girl is a good dancer, etc. She is just at that age where she was tired of comparing herself to the other girls. That may happen to your dd, but you have to see if you can wait.

[littlebug42]

I would think that maybe the pre-professional type of ballet school may not be the place for her. Also, has she considered something like lyrical dance that has so many components of ballet but would be more forgiving to her limitations. If her limitations are never going to allow her to get what she wants, perhaps it may be the time to alter the end goal. I also have a daughter with some physical limitations because of her feet so I understand where you are coming from. My Boo Boo would never be successful in ballet because of her feet. It is what it is.

[Jen in NY]

This is such a hard situation.... you know how hard your daughter has worked to even make it into pointe as it is.... and it seems counterintuitive to let all that hard work go ... but just imagine if she were putting that amount of effort into something that she loves that works for her!

 

A small bit of encouragement....

 

My girls have been studio dancers forever.... the competition dance thing... (yeah, I know.... not quite the same as pre-pro ballet, but emotionally quite similar for them) many hours, many costumes, assisting... you name it. It was their identity! Some years we spent 20 hours a week at the studio all together... and my older daughter even won "dancer of the year" last year, which would have meant 1/2 tuition off all classes this year.

 

But, for different reasons, each one of them was feeling like it was the end of the line this year for competition dance. A month and a half ago, it seemed like an impossible decision to make... to stay and do this thing we have always done (since they were 2 1/2!), or make a clean break and see what else the universe had in store. It was agonizing for the girls, but they needed to make their own decisions about it. For one of my daughters, she just got to the place where she wasn't feeling challenged anymore, and her other interests were being crowded out by many nights spent at the studio. For the other (who sounds very much like your daughter, pigeon toes and all....) her physical limitations were starting to be a bit of a hurdle she couldn't get over, under or around.

 

And so, through tears one Sunday morning, my oldest daughter called the studio owner and told her that they were not going to be dancing anymore. Let's just say ... the news didn't go down easy. But I was so proud of my daughters for so many things ... deciding to leave this place that was for so many years their home away from home, bucking everyone's expectations, and oldest dd epecially for making the call herself.

 

And the world didn't end.

 

Believe me when I tell you that secretly I think the girls thought it might!

 

And they have moved on to so many things that we just never had time for before....

 

And their dance training hasn't been wasted. They are both fantastic at TaeKwonDo.... you should see their high kicks! And we have found a place that lets people drop in for dance classes (kinda like Broadway Dance Center, except we're nowhere near Broadway!), so their love for dance continues on their terms, with no costumes, or recitals, or competition. Just dance for the sake of moving and shaking and tapping. And it is good.

 

And then there's astronomy club for my older daughter.... out there in the dark with her dad and 30 other middle aged men... and my middle dd, throwing pots and looking into training Guide dogs......

Edited September 14, 2011 by Jen in NY

[Mom0012]

I'm sorry for you daughter. :grouphug: Mine 9 yo is in her 7th year of ballet. I have been worried about her future with the dance school she is in and what kind of hurt lies ahead. I think she dances nicely, but I doubt she will be one of the "chosen ones". There is so much politics involved and I refuse to play those games. I will volunteer to help at performances, but I will not be a phony or a brown noser. One of the women on the board of directors is the wife of my ex-boss, an immature, insecure man, who I did not get along with. She and I do not acknolwedge each other and I do fear what this is going to mean for my daughter down the road.

 

You've definitely got to develop tough skin to do the upper levels of ballet. It sounds like your dd may have that if she wants to continue knowing her obstacles. That says a lot about your daughter.

 

Lisa

Edited September 14, 2011 by LisaTheresa

[LNC]

edited for privacy

Edited September 15, 2011 by LNC

[catz]

I would look around for another studio that isn't so competitive. My daughter's studio can be a great fit for kids that struggle and have differences but still manages to turn out some kids that go on to dance after high school.

 

Our studio also does 4-6 major performances a year especially level 3 and above.

[TravelingChris]

I agree about channeling the dance skills to a less competetive school or other form of dance that may be better for her physical differences.

 

I know how hard it is to channel your child to something when there are physical limitations. My middle has a condition where she passes out or nearly passes out. SHe is on medications but heat and exercise make the likelihood of her having a problem much greater. So this autumn when she called asking for advice about which activities to do in college, I had to strongly advice her not to do outdoor soccer. She is in a college in the south, it is still hot, and being on a team is a commitment. She had aslo remarked how she plays tennis. I thought that was a lot better sport for her now since it isn't a team sport, she can schedule a game when she is feeling particularly better, and she can control a lot easier how much she drinks. It has been very hard for her to see that not only can she not do a career she wants (military) but also can't play a sport she loves. One other recommendation for my dd is to play indoor soccer since the heat then isn't a factor. I just wanted to relate this story to you since many of us have to deal with very disappointed kids who have the dedication but have physical limitations.

[Wheres Toto]

:grouphug:

I agree with some of the previous posters that maybe she could channel her desire to dance into something less rigid. Lyrical would probably be the most ballet-feeling but with a more relaxed technique.

 

Other than her feeling left behind, I'd be concerned about whether she could seriously hurt herself doing pointe. Pointe is extremely hard on the knees, the feet, the toes. Since she does have some challenges with proper alignment, I'd worry about her getting hurt. I'm 42 years old and still have problems with my knees that came from overdoing high school sports. My 17 year old also has knee problems after years of dance but hers can be dealt with by doing specific exercises.

[plansrme]

I understand your wanting to stay at this school, and your daughter's love for it, but to mangle a quote from some movie or another, her heart is writing checks her body can't cash.

 

There are often no two ways around it. There are many, many bodies that just can not do high-level ballet regardless of the level of training they receive or their level of dedication to the art. It is very, very hard to watch your child be shut out of excelling at something because of factors completely beyond her or your control. I have a similar situation long-term with one of my children, who is not going to be tall enough to do what she wants to do in her sport, and it will break my heart to see it come to pass.

 

Would it help if your daughter got involved in teaching, perhaps assisting with a young class? That might give her a way to stay in ballet without having to push her body in ways it is not going to go.

 

Terri

[AngelaNYC]

It's so sad when things like this are so out of a mom's control. My dd (15) has no turnout either, but she's been dancing since was 3, and competing since she was 7. Her studio taught a little ballet, but also tap, jazz, "lyrical", modern, musical theater, acro, and hip hop. Lack of turnout hasn't slowed her down and now she's in a top performing arts high school. She takes 1.5 hours of ballet every day (and 1.5 hrs of modern). I still hear about her turnout at every parent-teacher meeting :glare:. Dd has accepted that she'll never be a ballerina , but knows she's awesome at many of the other styles.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that there are so many other dance styles your dd can try and probably excel at. All (or most) styles require ongoing ballet training anyway. Would she be up for a new style? She can still get her ballet in. Would she like to try out for a competition team? My dd does a bunch of performances, master classes, conventions, and workshops in addition to competitions. It's a lot of fun. Your dd might enjoy that more.

[Dmmetler]

I agree with the above-but as a music teacher, I also have to say that the instructors need to be helping your daughter find her niche, even if that means encouraging her to leave their program. That's what a good coach/teacher does when a student is nearing the top of what they can reasonably do under your instruction, whether that's because of the student's limitations, or because of yours. To keep nattering on to a student about skills that they're not going to be able to achieve, or to place a student in lower levels in your program and not let them move on when they COULD achieve elsewhere is not good teaching.

[speedmom4]

Your daughter's dance school sounds EXACTLY like the school my daughter attended for many years. We live in the Charlotte, NC area. I'm just curious if it's the same school.

 

Anyway, my daughter stopped dancing last year. She felt very similar. She was spending so much time away from home and not seeing some of the results that other girls were experiencing. My daughter worked SO hard. She came home crying many nights. She lost her love for dance because of the pressure and begged me to let her quit. I finally did and although it was a very difficult decision it was the right one for her. I miss dance terribly. It was sad last Christmas when she wasn't in the Nutcracker. But, my daughter has found something less intense and demanding and is much happier.

 

God Bless,

Elise in NC

[LNC]

I pm'd you :).

Edited September 14, 2011 by LNC

[KungFuPanda]

Maybe it's time to seek out a new arena for your daughter to excel. Can she dabble in other dance forms without leaving her studio first? It sounds like the challenge and workout are good for her, but it could benefit her to attend workshops in other forms.

 

I don't know if you've heard of her, but Suhaila Solimpour is one of the most well-known bellydancers in the US. Her mother is the key person responsible for bringing bellydance classes to American women. Suhaila has scoliosis and is pigeon toed. She wore a brace and everything. She continued with her study of ballet as a child because it helped with her physical issues. She's in her forties now, still dancing, and to this day says if she lays off her workouts her legs will turn on her. She has workshops all over the country.

 

If ballet is all your daughter knows, she might not consider any other forms 'real' dancing, but it could greatly benefit her to try other things. Continue her ballet classes because they are vital to everything else, but look for other styles and the performance opportunities they bring . . .Jazz, Hip-hop, tap, modern, lyrical, ballroom, flamenco, bollywood, hula, and even bellydance . . . .you NEVER know what will resonate with her. I know a beautiful hula dancer whose professional flamenco career was ended by a car wreck. Her husband took her to Hawaii and she fell in love with hula. Her body CAN excel at that.

 

It's that attitude and perseverance that makes your daughter a dancer. She just needs to explore her options and try things out a bit. Besides, there are other dance forms that are more long-lived than professional ballet. She may dabble in flamenco and find that she can successfully perform into middle age and beyond AND continue to improve. She'll also learn that other dance forms don't frown upon a real woman's body quite like ballet does and she can realistically perform as long as she wants to even WITH breasts and hips :001_smile:

[Matryoshka]

My dd is 13 and in very much the same position. She worked so hard to get on pointe last year, only to then get tendonitis. We did physical therapy, but she was still in so much pain that she took a semester off from pointe.

 

In the pre-pro type school she was at, that knocked her out of the syllabus program. She could've "stayed back", but all the kids she'd been dancing with for years would've been ahead of her. There was also definitely a "chosen ones" thing going on, and she very much knew she wasn't one of them. I encouraged her to switch to modern, but she really, really wanted to go back on pointe. She loves, loves, loves ballet, and modern (or I also suggested lyrical) wasn't filling the same place in her heart.

 

We looked around and found another studio - still concentrated on ballet, but not as competitive/fast paced. After her first couple of classes, I think the teaching might even be better (at least for her) - the teacher spends more time breaking things down for kids who don't pick combinations up quickly (like my daughter). The other school seemed to teach to the top and whoever didn't "get it" right away was just left behind to figure it out. They also have opportunities for performance. She actually found she knew a lot of kids there already, and the atmosphere seems more supportive.

[LNC]

posted twice

[SonshineLearner]

My daughter danced at a place for one year while in preschool, changed to a school that is thought of as more rigorous... and now is back at the first school. (the one in between, she danced from 5yrs-12.5 yrs) There are just difference; some are hard to adjust to... for me. (Like, not being directd to point your toe, hard... etc.) But what we get out of this one is right for her. She's too tall to be a professional ballet dancer, but she loves to dance. She's good at it, and now she's expanded to hip hop and modern. She gets encouraged and she's also with "in town" kids, who are friends from the school she started going to.

All this to say, that classes are "good/great" depending on circumstance :) Ours changed, and my daughter is relieved. She even went to the old school's Nutcracker performance. I asked if she was sad to not be in it, and she said "no, relieved". It was a good change!!

Best of Luck!!

[chepyl]

First let me say that I am sorry your DD is so disappointed. As a dance teacher, we hate to do that do kids; but it happens. We were working until 3 am last night casting a show (musical) knowing that no matter what we did, someone would be disappointed.

 

Second, your daughter just started pointe this year, right? Did the rest of the class just start pointe, or have they done pointe before this year? This is really important to take into consideration. If I had students start pointe in September, I would NOT be having them dance on pointe in a December production. They would likely still be working at the barre. I know pre-pro schools that don't let students dance en pointe in the end of year recital their first year. If this is the case, just discuss with her that she needs more time in class to be ready to perform en pointe.

 

Honestly, I don't even consider girls for pointe until they are 12 anyway. Some school still move kids up sooner, but waiting until 12 and progressing slowly the first year is much safer and less damaging to the feet. Most kids bones are not 75% ossified until they are 12 or 13 and according to the most recent studies, pointe work should not begin until they reach that stage, regardless of strength and technical ability.

 

I have seen dancers with severe physical limitations go on to perform professionally. One acquaintance from high school has scoliosis, one hip is higher than the other by quite a bit. She has danced professionally with both a ballet and modern company. She now teaches.

 

I think you should talk with her about sticking with it. She may find that the character dance is a lot more fun than the beginning pointe dance. I know she is disappointed; but my experience with casting is that if the kids stick with the part they are given, they generally have a blast and forget about the initial disappointment.

[elfgivas]

I think the previous comment is spot on. I'm in awe of your dd's commitment and perserverence, but by now the teachers should have a good idea of her potential, and if she is physically incapable of dancing the roles the wants, she deserves to be told this. She needs your support to decide whether it's worthwhile continuing for the fitness, enjoyment etc.

 

:iagree:

 

one of the things i would ask them is if they think that taking more classes would make a difference, or if there are exercises she can do at home that might help. then i'd talk to dd and come up with a plan that takes into account what she wants and whatever physical limitations there may be.

 

dd #3 went to 11 hours of dance a week the year she was getting ready to go on pointe. it was transformative. and it seemed to us that that was a crucial year, that the girls who worked on turn out, releve and balance at home and danced 10+ hours a week were the ones who improved dramatically. dd #4 is starting prepointe this year, and is at 7 hours a week, which i do not think will be quite enough; we're looking for something else..... for us, we're "in for a penny, in for a pound"...

 

but i also think that if they tell you that physically she wont' be able to manage at the higher level, then it would be good to find a studio where she can have fun dancing and still enjoy it, kwim?

 

my girls dropped gymnastics in part because it became clear they were never going to be fabulous gymnasts, but it opened up time to dance more and they have found their place....

 

:grouphug:

ann

[elfgivas]

First let me say that I am sorry your DD is so disappointed. As a dance teacher, we hate to do that do kids; but it happens. We were working until 3 am last night casting a show (musical) knowing that no matter what we did, someone would be disappointed.

 

Second, your daughter just started pointe this year, right? Did the rest of the class just start pointe, or have they done pointe before this year? This is really important to take into consideration. If I had students start pointe in September, I would NOT be having them dance on pointe in a December production. They would likely still be working at the barre. I know pre-pro schools that don't let students dance en pointe in the end of year recital their first year. If this is the case, just discuss with her that she needs more time in class to be ready to perform en pointe.

 

Honestly, I don't even consider girls for pointe until they are 12 anyway. Some school still move kids up sooner, but waiting until 12 and progressing slowly the first year is much safer and less damaging to the feet. Most kids bones are not 75% ossified until they are 12 or 13 and according to the most recent studies, pointe work should not begin until they reach that stage, regardless of strength and technical ability.

 

I have seen dancers with severe physical limitations go on to perform professionally. One acquaintance from high school has scoliosis, one hip is higher than the other by quite a bit. She has danced professionally with both a ballet and modern company. She now teaches.

 

I think you should talk with her about sticking with it. She may find that the character dance is a lot more fun than the beginning pointe dance. I know she is disappointed; but my experience with casting is that if the kids stick with the part they are given, they generally have a blast and forget about the initial disappointment.

 

:iagree: this is great advice, and reminded me that dd who has been on pointe a year was not cast on point for the spring production, and was disappointed with her character role, but is a much better dancer as a result of not having been rushed.

 

ann

[Mary in VA]

My almost 17 yo dd is starting her 13th year of ballet and at a pre-pro school. I could write a huge saga about her (our) ups and downs with ballet. Lots of tears and heartache, goes with the territory, sorry :grouphug: But also lots of joy, fun, friendships, wonderful opportunities, growth, and on and on!

 

I would advise having a heart-to-heart with the artistic director of her school about your dd's abilities to progress through the levels and perform. Since your dd doesn't want to pursue a professional career, it should just be about the joy of the dance through her school years. If she can enjoy class and get fun roles then why not?

 

I will also tell you that 12 - 14 were the most difficult years for my dd emotionally in ballet. Waiting for pointe shoes, stress about moving up to different levels, casting of parts, all lent to the turmoil PLUS the hormones and emotions of middle schools made it all worse. But she (we :001_smile:) made it through and she is stronger for it. She has learned discipline, still loves dance and is a beautiful dancer. She is recovering from a 8 month injury and has kept persevering through it. She auditioned for Nutcracker at her new school on Saturday and all she wants is a fun part - so different than the angst of 12 and 13!

 

After talking to the AD have a talk with your dd. Focus on dance being FUN and ENJOYING it. I know it's hard, but I wish I had done that more.

 

One more thing, did she just get her pointe shoes this fall or last spring? It really isn't unusual for dancers who have been on pointe less than a year to not dance on pointe in performances! The AD usually put people where they are strongest to make the show look good. Most of the time the dancers are doing much more complicated things in class than they will ever do on stage. That's because the AD wants the show to be perfect and clean. She wants the choreography to be something the dancer can hit EVERY time. They dancers aren't that secure on pointe in the beginning.

 

Hang in there Mom!

Mary

 

P.S. My dd danced for two years in a professional production of Nutcracker in a character part. That number was always a show stopper. Many of her classmates thought their roles were better because they were on pointe, but they didn't get to do much but look pretty and wave their arms. The character role was fast paced and moved! The second year many of the pointe dancers ended up in the character part and said they liked it much better after dancing it!

Edited September 14, 2011 by Mary in VA