How would you respond? (Homeless woman due with 2nd child in 9 days)

[Cindy in C-ville]

This morning, I took Toothless, the stray kitten that showed up in our yard in July, for his spay/neuter appointment to a mobile vet unit. While I was filling out paperwork, a woman struck up a conversation with me. She had hurt her foot and so I asked her what happened. She told me that she had been helping a homeless woman and fell down some stairs and broke her foot. I said something like, "That's great that you were able to help her. I'm sorry you broke your foot."

 

"It's been tough," she said, "I have five children."

 

"I understand. I have seven."

 

So, she then goes on to tell me about this woman she's helping. She's ~ 23 yo, has a 2yo, and is due with a baby boy in 9 days. The father of both of the children has a s*x offense on his record, for which he really wasn't guilty, that is over 10 years old and was due to be expunged, but b/c of a move, it wasn't. He has a job, but they can't get housing b/c of his record.

 

Their church is trying to help this couple and their baby, but no one has a place for them to stay. They have food stamps and medicaid.

 

How would you respond?

[kht2006]

I don't think this encounter was by chance. Before I did anything else I'd pray with my DH about it. If we had peace about providing some support or temporary housing we would do so. :grouphug:

[AK_Mom4]

I would express sympathy for her. Then, I would whip out one of the Starbucks gift cards I carry in my purse (emergencies you know!) and give it to her with a smile and tell her that she deserves to treat herself!

 

But....what you are probably asking....I would not offer to put up this particular homeless family because I have a young daughter and two teens still at home. If I had some extra money this month, I might gently offer it to the family to "help out wiht new baby expenses".

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would respond very cautiously. You are hearing the story of someone 3rd hand (where you don't have the advantage of being able to judge if something seems "off"). You also are hearing a story that might be true but might not be, because honestly it is in the best interest of the homeless family to be seen as "innocent but treated unfairly by life." There are a couple of things that seem "off" to me in the story and I've worked with the homeless for years. The woman and her child would be eligible for housing on their own, for starters. While there may be injustices here, it looks like there are a lot of immature and bad decisions that have probably gone into this too. I'm not saying "don't help" - otherwise I wouldn't have been involved in homeless ministry myself. What I'm saying is "be wise as serpents and gentle as doves". Give any help with your eyes wide open. And protect your own family - esp. your children.

 

Probably the best help that you could give is to refer them to legal help that could help them to sort out their legal troubles on their own. This is also the most difficult kind of help because it requires them to follow through on things instead of accepting hand outs.

[Parrothead]

"I'm so sorry for their troubles. You are so kind to help them out. Hasn't the weather been beautiful lately."

[Pretty in Pink]

I wouldn't take them into my home. I just wouldn't.

[mommaduck]

This morning, I took Toothless, the stray kitten that showed up in our yard in July, for his spay/neuter appointment to a mobile vet unit. While I was filling out paperwork, a woman struck up a conversation with me. She had hurt her foot and so I asked her what happened. She told me that she had been helping a homeless woman and fell down some stairs and broke her foot. I said something like, "That's great that you were able to help her. I'm sorry you broke your foot."

 

"It's been tough," she said, "I have five children."

 

"I understand. I have seven."

 

So, she then goes on to tell me about this woman she's helping. She's ~ 23 yo, has a 2yo, and is due with a baby boy in 9 days. The father of both of the children has a s*x offense on his record, for which he really wasn't guilty, that is over 10 years old and was due to be expunged, but b/c of a move, it wasn't. He has a job, but they can't get housing b/c of his record.

 

Their church is trying to help this couple and their baby, but no one has a place for them to stay. They have food stamps and medicaid.

 

How would you respond?

 

I would ask her if someone is willing to take in the mother and children, or could the mother and children get housing on their own. Honestly, if it's a false conviction that's due to be espunged, then separating temporarily for the sake of the mother and children to have a roof over their heads, would be the best thing and the record/reunification could be dealt with in time. She and the children should also be able to get emergency shelter at a women's shelter. This is what I would suggest and tell the woman to look up the nearest women's shelter or YWCA.

[gardenmom5]

I would respond very cautiously. You are hearing the story of someone 3rd hand (where you don't have the advantage of being able to judge if something seems "off"). You also are hearing a story that might be true but might not be, because honestly it is in the best interest of the homeless family to be seen as "innocent but treated unfairly by life." There are a couple of things that seem "off" to me in the story and I've worked with the homeless for years. The woman and her child would be eligible for housing on their own, for starters. While there may be injustices here, it looks like there are a lot of immature and bad decisions that have probably gone into this too. I'm not saying "don't help" - otherwise I wouldn't have been involved in homeless ministry myself. What I'm saying is "be wise as serpents and gentle as doves". Give any help with your eyes wide open. And protect your own family - esp. your children.

 

Probably the best help that you could give is to refer them to legal help that could help them to sort out their legal troubles on their own. This is also the most difficult kind of help because it requires them to follow through on things instead of accepting hand outs.

 

:iagree:

[masaki]

It could be that this lady is so overwhelmed by trying to help this family and take care of her own family, that she/they just need help in their search for available resources. Would it be possible for someone in your church to be able to provide them with direction? Would they contact this homeless family's church to see if there's something both congregations could come up with together? Local hospitals, food banks, or other charities may be able to offer some suggestions.

 

Tough situation. You're lovely for wanting to find a way to help. Good luck!

[momma2three]

I would be wary that an entire church can't find anyplace for this woman and her children to stay. There are a few red flags in the story, but that is the biggest one to me.

[kalanamak]

 

How would you respond?

 

She should get housing in her name and he can sleep in the car. My husband spent quite a while sleeping in his truck to save money on rent when he traveled about the country working on short term jobs. He parked in big box store parking lots (which around here let commuters use the outer edges for carpooling, etc) under a light and never had one problem.

[Cindy in C-ville]

There are some yellow flags for me too. I've emailed the pastor at the church that the lady mentioned to see if they can verify the situation, let me know what they're doing to help, etc. As I think back on the conversation, it seems like there are things they *could* do, but don't want to do, that would provide stability for mother/children such as having him stay at an all-male shelter while he works on getting the legal situation figured out. They may just have to bend on some of what they see as ideal. I do wonder whether/not the hospital will release the baby to her if she doesn't have a permanent address. Does anyone know this?

[*********]

I would respond very cautiously. You are hearing the story of someone 3rd hand (where you don't have the advantage of being able to judge if something seems "off"). You also are hearing a story that might be true but might not be, because honestly it is in the best interest of the homeless family to be seen as "innocent but treated unfairly by life." There are a couple of things that seem "off" to me in the story and I've worked with the homeless for years. The woman and her child would be eligible for housing on their own, for starters. While there may be injustices here, it looks like there are a lot of immature and bad decisions that have probably gone into this too. I'm not saying "don't help" - otherwise I wouldn't have been involved in homeless ministry myself. What I'm saying is "be wise as serpents and gentle as doves". Give any help with your eyes wide open. And protect your own family - esp. your children.

 

Probably the best help that you could give is to refer them to legal help that could help them to sort out their legal troubles on their own. This is also the most difficult kind of help because it requires them to follow through on things instead of accepting hand outs.

 

I'm totally with Jean here. Dh and I have done a lot of homeless ministry in the past. Everyone has a story. How they *tell their story can be open and honest, or spun to make them seem like a victim, or a million other ways.

 

I posted a story on here a while back about dh and I giving a pefect stranger a hour-ish long ride in our car. Now, she was an old lady in a wheelchair, lol, but we also did NOT have our children with us when it happened. Had we had the boys with us, we may have come up with a different solution to help the lady. Of course, we may have done the exact same thing, it's hard to say. I believe the Lord would have lead dh and I, even if we were praying while talking to the lady. (You don't always have time to pray *about* a situation. Sometimes you have to pray *in* a situation. :D)

 

The Lord gives us opportunities to seve Him by serving others. Pray; he will lead you. If you're already feeling you should get involved, that to me is an indication that you should do something; if you don't know what that something is, pray until you do.

[Cindy in C-ville]

I believe the Lord would have lead dh and I, even if we were praying while talking to the lady. (You don't always have time to pray *about* a situation. Sometimes you have to pray *in* a situation. :D)

 

The Lord gives us opportunities to seve Him by serving others. Pray; he will lead you. If you're already feeling you should get involved, that to me is an indication that you should do something; if you don't know what that something is, pray until you do.

 

Love this! I too appreciate Jean's perspective. I have had situations where I've been "burned" by people who framed their story in a way that would lead to them getting help in the way they wanted.

 

I do understand that desperate situations can sometimes lead a person to desperate measures. And when you've been hurt or are frightened, it's hard to know who to trust with the whole story.

 

I also believe that just because you are treated poorly when you are working to help someone doesn't mean you should be unavailable to help people.

[FaithManor]

There are some yellow flags for me too. I've emailed the pastor at the church that the lady mentioned to see if they can verify the situation, let me know what they're doing to help, etc. As I think back on the conversation, it seems like there are things they *could* do, but don't want to do, that would provide stability for mother/children such as having him stay at an all-male shelter while he works on getting the legal situation figured out. They may just have to bend on some of what they see as ideal. I do wonder whether/not the hospital will release the baby to her if she doesn't have a permanent address. Does anyone know this?

 

She can give most any address - a relative, a friend. I think there is about zero chance that the hospital will check this out. The greater issue would be if the hospital has a standard procedure of checking for being on the offenders list. If so, he could end up being barred form the hospital and CPS cold be called to determine if it is appropriate for the baby to go home with them.

 

But, really...unless they devulge that they are homeless, if they give an address, I can't imagine the hospital taking the time to find out if they actually live there.

 

Faith

[5KidzRUs]

I would feel I need do nothing. Do you feel like you should do anything? This family has a while church helping them. Your mama red flags should be waving at you too.

Edited September 10, 2011 by 5KidzRUs

[Cindy in C-ville]

I would feel I need do nothing. Do you feel like you should do anything? This family has a while church helping them. Your mama red flags should be waving at you too.

 

When dh and I were in Ukraine for the first time, I was talking with our host family. She told me about a young woman in her neighborhood with a debilitating medical condition. I felt quite overwhelmed as I heard her share what sounded like an absolutely hopeless situation.

 

I said something like, "That's so terrible. There are so many really hard situations in the world and you can't do ...." I paused and was about to say "everything."

 

When I paused, Alyona said, "Nothing. We can't just do nothing." In the midst of her very trying, financially limited life, she wasn't satisfied to just throw up her hands and let helping one very sick young woman get swallowed up in the overwhelming sea of hurting humanity.

 

I was so convicted. Now, I know that we really cannot do something about every terrible situation in the world, but that one conversation changed my perspective. Now, when a situation comes in front of me, I find myself asking is there SOMETHING I can do about this one thing. Honestly, I think that's how we first got into hosting and then adopting Katya. Why this stray cat is at the vet right now. Why I continue to ask God to help me, in the midst of being a homeschooling mom and pastor's wife, to SHOW His love to the world.

 

So, while my "Mama flags" are going off, I'm not quite satisfied to just say that this church will take care of it. Am I supposed to have this family move in with us? No way. But I'm not supposed to be so overwhelmed by the demands of my life and the pain in the world that I do nothing. Not saying this is true for everyone, but it is for me. So ... I'm finding out what I can about the situation, and will do what I can to mobilize resources to at least make sure this mother and her children are safe.

 

Thoughts?

[akmommy]

I do wonder whether/not the hospital will release the baby to her if she doesn't have a permanent address. Does anyone know this

 

I'm not sure. I do know of one case here where the hospital refused to release twins because they had received information that the couples housing was substandard. They had to make repairs and have the apt. Inspected by a public health nurse before they were allowed to take the babies home.

[angela in ohio]

No one has a place to stay for them because he is a s&x offender, and they are being careful. I've met very few people who admit to being guilty of anything. It's likely that the church people know the full story. Like you said, he needs to find a shelter for men only, and someone can take just the woman and children in. If they truly want help, they will accept this until he can get his record settled (if that is true.)

 

Is she seeing an OB? Does she have care for the 2 yo during the birth? Those are the immediate things I would worry about. I would want to make sure the 2 yo is cared for while she is in the hospital, and I think that is something you could help with. I would offer to drive her to the OB, so tha you can get to know her and the situation better.

 

I'll tell you the same thing I tell dh when he tries to give money to the homeless men when I take him to downtown Detroit... There are people trained to handle these situations, and it is more loving to connect them with (and help fund) those services than to just give money or material items in the moment. Before I started helping them, I would find out the full story from the church, offering to work with them. I would also find out what agencies are already in place that can give real, long-term help (job training, housing programs, etc.) It feels good to *do something* but sometimes you do the wrong thing when you don't know the whole story.

[reign]

I would say "wow, that's a tough one" but I am a woman of few words.

[bettyandbob]

I guess if I were to help someone like this my first focus would be to get temp housing for the woman and babies. The dad can sleep in a car. Shelters sometimes have times homeless persons who are not residence of the shelter can take care of personal hygiene and laundry. Find a shelter that will permit him to shower occasionally.

 

The second focus would be on verifying the charges were going to be expunge and getting them expunged. This is the single most important thing that could help this family long term. Whatever got in the way of them working to get the charges expunged must be overcome. I would not put any effort into permanent housing or jobs until this issue is resolved. In the course of working on that issue it will become clear if all the parties involved are being honest with you and themselves about the situation.

[Night Elf]

Goodness, I'm really a skeptical person compared to the rest of you. :( After reading the OP, my very first thought was that I would consider it to be a total bizarre situation. Just in the normal course of a spontaneous conversation between two strangers, a story like that is shared? I have a hard time believing someone would share something like that without having an expectation of getting something from the other person. Was she specifically asking you for help, or was she just phrasing everything in a way that made you feel sad for them and guilty if you didn't help?

 

Honestly, I would have just said something about that being so sad and that it was really great she had the support of a church. And I would have left it alone.

 

I'm interested in what you hear back from the minister.

[Veritaserum]

Goodness, I'm really a skeptical person compared to the rest of you. :( After reading the OP, my very first thought was that I would consider it to be a total bizarre situation. Just in the normal course of a spontaneous conversation between two strangers, a story like that is shared? I have a hard time believing someone would share something like that without having an expectation of getting something from the other person. Was she specifically asking you for help, or was she just phrasing everything in a way that made you feel sad for them and guilty if you didn't help?

 

Honestly, I would have just said something about that being so sad and that it was really great she had the support of a church. And I would have left it alone.

 

I'm interested in what you hear back from the minister.

 

:iagree: That would have been my reaction as well. I donate to charities I trust.

[Cindy in C-ville]

Years ago when the church phone was our house phone, I received many phone calls from people just going through the phone book looking for hand-outs. After the first few, I investigated resources in our community. A person at the Salvation Army told me that I should never just give a hand-out. There is ALWAYS a hot meal and help waiting at the Salvation Army. If a person can get to a city bus, that bus will get them to the SA at no charge. That was very helpful information for me over these years as the number of people in our community asking for money, jobs, etc. increased.

 

We moved this summer, and I don't know all the resources, but now finding out that information is on my task list for this week.

 

I did email the pastors of the church and they confirmed the basic information. The church has come alongside them and will make sure that they have food, shelter, etc. One of the members has a potential place to rent to them. It was damaged in a tornado last spring and so the church is working to get it repaired. The women in the church are having a baby shower for her on Monday and I have been invited to come. I think I won't, but may send a grocery card. There is no reason for me to be relationally involved.

 

So, I'm satisfied with where things are now. Other thoughts?

[Ottakee]

Sounds like a good plan. Verifying the story is good.

 

VERY few people will admit they are guilty but most claim total innocence (dh works in corrections) so I would have wanted to verify that story.

 

Sounds like the church has a good handle on things and they will have the help they need.

[twoforjoy]

You have seven kids. You do not have to take a family into your home, and I imagine doing so would be a significant burden on you and your family.

 

Sure, if you had a rental available, I'd say that maybe you should pray about and consider making it available to this family, perhaps even at a reduced rate. But since that's not the situation, I wouldn't feel like you were under anything approaching a moral obligation to welcome this family into your home.

 

I think that it's awesome that you checked into what was going on, and that the family is being cared for.

[Sahamamama]

So, she then goes on to tell me about this woman she's helping. She's ~ 23 yo, has a 2yo, and is due with a baby boy in 9 days. The father of both of the children has a s*x offense on his record, for which he really wasn't guilty, that is over 10 years old and was due to be expunged, but b/c of a move, it wasn't. He has a job, but they can't get housing b/c of his record.

 

Their church is trying to help this couple and their baby, but no one has a place for them to stay. They have food stamps and medicaid.

 

How would you respond?

 

I would never offer to house this family, but I would tell the Helping Woman that the pregnant mother and her toddler are eligible for housing, regardless of the situation with the alleged father. IOW, she could get off the street, even if he can't right now.

 

OTOH, this story doesn't sound right to me. I was a social worker for years, and I admit to being a cynic. Maybe he is "innocent," maybe not, but he would never make his way into my home, nor be near my daughters. I also think the fact that "no one in their church has a place for them" is not to be taken literally -- really? no one has even a clean floor? an empty sofa? -- but indicates that the people who know this couple don't trust them enough to have them in their homes. That tells you something right there.

 

I suppose I've just seen too much of human behavior and poor choices and victim mentality to believe that this lifestyle happens because of injustice (most of the time). For many people, chaos is a choice.

 

If I felt a tug to do so, I might have gotten the Helping Woman's contact information, so I could drop off our used baby items for her to distribute in her ministry -- a stroller, a car seat, some blankets, a portable crib, clothing. But I probably would not have gotten involved in this scenario at all.

 

What do you think you want to do? :bigear:

[Little Nyssa]

I am so sorry, but I do not believe 90% of that story. If you feel moved to do so, give some money to her church and let them handle it.

[phathui5]

I would offer to put up the woman and children.

[5KidzRUs]

I would offer to put up the woman and children.

 

In an idea world ... But then you are inviting a sex offender to your house by default ... Putting your children at risk. I am sure she will bring him around or he might hang around nearby to be close to them.

There is no telling if their story about his record being expunged is true or not.

There is a whole church body helping them - they are in good hands.

Hopefully, the family will get help with birth control too until they get back on their feet.

[catz]

I am so sorry, but I do not believe 90% of that story. If you feel moved to do so, give some money to her church and let them handle it.

 

:iagree: Anything heard 3rd hand and involves a sex offender would not be something I would take on unless I felt moved to give money. We only give money to proven charities.

[Jean in Newcastle]

In an idea world ... But then you are inviting a sex offender to your house by default ... Putting your children at risk. I am sure she will bring him around or he might hang around nearby to be close to them.

There is no telling if their story about his record being expunged is true or not.

There is a whole church body helping them - they are in good hands.

Hopefully, the family will get help with birth control too until they get back on their feet.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

[masaki]

 

We moved this summer, and I don't know all the resources, but now finding out that information is on my task list for this week.

 

I did email the pastors of the church and they confirmed the basic information. The church has come alongside them and will make sure that they have food, shelter, etc. One of the members has a potential place to rent to them. It was damaged in a tornado last spring and so the church is working to get it repaired. The women in the church are having a baby shower for her on Monday and I have been invited to come. I think I won't, but may send a grocery card. There is no reason for me to be relationally involved.

 

So, I'm satisfied with where things are now. Other thoughts?

 

Sounds good! Thanks for the update. It's good to know that this family's church and community are rallying around them as they await the birth of their new baby. That's a lot of love welcoming him/her into this world. I also hope they'll be back on their feet real soon and that this situation inspires them to find ways to pass along the kindness they are receiving to others.

 

Marilyn

[Cindy in C-ville]

Thank you, Ladies! You offer great perspective! No updates, but I'll keep you posted if anything else develops. :)

[SweetMissMagnolia]

yes would be interested in an update--you've gone above and beyond.....

[twoforjoy]

Sounds good! Thanks for the update. It's good to know that this family's church and community are rallying around them as they await the birth of their new baby. That's a lot of love welcoming him/her into this world. I also hope they'll be back on their feet real soon and that this situation inspires them to find ways to pass along the kindness they are receiving to others.

 

:iagree:

[HeidiKC]

I was so convicted. Now, I know that we really cannot do something about every terrible situation in the world, but that one conversation changed my perspective. Now, when a situation comes in front of me, I find myself asking is there SOMETHING I can do about this one thing. Honestly, I think that's how we first got into hosting and then adopting Katya. Why this stray cat is at the vet right now. Why I continue to ask God to help me, in the midst of being a homeschooling mom and pastor's wife, to SHOW His love to the world.

 

So, while my "Mama flags" are going off, I'm not quite satisfied to just say that this church will take care of it. Am I supposed to have this family move in with us? No way. But I'm not supposed to be so overwhelmed by the demands of my life and the pain in the world that I do nothing. Not saying this is true for everyone, but it is for me. So ... I'm finding out what I can about the situation, and will do what I can to mobilize resources to at least make sure this mother and her children are safe.

 

Thoughts?

 

Yes, I totally agree with you. I also think it was not random that you and this woman met at the vet. And maybe they just need your help to figure out what can be done, rather than you hosting. I think this is a very important lesson for your kids as well. Honestly, "What Would Jesus Do?"!

[WeeBeaks]

If I had access to the family I would offer some food gift cards to help and suggestions for food banks in the area, that also have some housing and clothing assistance/counseling.

[Cindy in C-ville]

Grocery store card is in the mail sent c/o the pastor of the church that is coming alongside this family. I'm continuing to pray for them, but think I've done what I'm supposed to do.