ugly confession

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

I have to get this off my chest. I'm too embarrassed to talk to anyone in real life. I need some .... something.... I don't know what I need.

 

I just threw a teacher's manual across the room and screamed and yelled and said some very nasty things.

 

My boys spend hours playing computer games, watching Netflix, on facebook, playing outdoors. And it is my fault that I've let them basically do whatever they want. It is my fault for very poor parenting and a lack of parenting over months maybe even over the past few years.

 

I screamed at my youngest son, age 14, and said, "This is why you are so dumb. You don't even try." He is behind. But it is my fault. I have not taught him at the same level that I taught the older three.

 

He told me that I hurt his feelings every single day, that I make him feel dumb every single day. And today, I screamed it in his face. I feel terrible.

 

I've spent several hours looking online for a solutions manual for a math book. I've spent hours "deciding" to change math books for his older brother. I could have been actually TEACHING this boy history, actually TEACHING this child that IS behind.

 

He is outside now. Crying. Wounded. Torn apart by me his mother. The one person in this world that should love him, encourage him, teach him, build him up.

 

He should be in the "9th" grade this year. I have him in "8th". But he is doing "7th" math and English. If he had to go to classroom school, he would place in 5th or 6th grade. He is 14 years old. Part of being behind is a vision problem that we discovered late. I also think there may be some real Learning Disabilities.

 

But a major part of his being "behind" is MY fault. Lack of consistent teaching, putting him aside to teach the others, my own poor health in years past, extended family illness, and other "reasons" (excuses).

 

I feel sick at my stomach.

 

This afternoon, we were orally going over the section review questions in BJU's American Republic. Chapter 3. He was just guessing answers, saying anything that popped into his head... with an attitude of "this is too hard". I was explaining (for the millionth time) that the answers are found "in order" in the book. THat the answers are practically the same wording as the question. I explained skimming to find answers (for the millionth time). I finally told him what paragrah to find the answer. He started reading a completely different paragraph out loud. I asked him did he know what a paragraph was, I explained to him (for the Billionth and a half time) what a paragraph is, and he still could not find the right place on the page...... even after I had read the beginning sentence three times to him!!!!! I screamed and threw the book.

 

I'm taking all computer and tv time away from both boys.

 

Even though I did not have a run in with older son... 16 year old....I did tell him how unhappy I was that he was spending so much time on computer games and tv and how little time he is spending really concentrating on school work. He did admit that he does not do his best when time to do school, but he does do his best when playing a computer game. He did not want to be screamed at I'm sure.

 

I'm angry at myself for letting this go on so long. I'm angry at myself for pushing my younger son away. (He is babyish and immature and it gets on my nerves)

 

I do not know how to salvage my relationship with my 14 year old son.

I do not know how to teach my 14 year old son.

I've hurt him very deeply and do not know how to let him know that I do love him. So very much.

 

That is my very ugly confession.

[Bang!Zoom!]

Pam, are you living in a community/city situation or rural?

[SquirrellyMama]

First, :grouphug:

 

I think you can salvage your relationship by apologizing and having a good discussion with him about what has happened.

 

We are human and we screw up.

 

I don't have much practical advice except to say to apologize and talk to him. Maybe you can write down some things to say to him to build him up each day. It may be forced at first but it will come naturally eventually.

 

As far as helping to get him up to speed I have no advice. My kids are a lot younger than yours. I'm sure there will be people on here with lots of great ideas.

 

 

Kelly

[SeekingSimplicity]

:grouphug:

[GingerPoppy]

:grouphug:

 

I've said things I've regretted, too. I can't beat myself up about it; I can only move on from this very moment. I can have a groundhog day (a complete start over). I can even ask my daughter if she wants in on the the complete start over along with me. Then we are both looking for a new way forward together.

 

Breaking out of ruts is so, so hard--I speak from experience. But you can. It is possible.

 

:grouphug:

[aggieamy]

I'm dealing with elementary school so I can't help on the catching up but I do notice that attitudes are much better around here when we limit TV and computer. On Saturday Little Librarian and her cousin watched about two hours of TV and the attitudes were horrible that afternoon. Have you tried limiting screen time to half an hour or an hour a day and only after all school work was done?

[Capt_Uhura]

Actions speak louder than words. Tell your son you spoke to him out of your anger and frustration at YOURSELF. Tell him you're seeking help to your family issues. Tell him that you love him but more importantly, show him that you love him. Do you have something special you do w/ just him? A walk everyday to talk? Trip to the ice cream parlor on weekends? Go see a movie? Enjoy a book that he's reading...just enjoy it and talk about it...no matter what level the book is on.

 

I'm sure the other posters here can help you w/ the educational issues but if you suspect LD's, I'd have him tested ASAP.

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

We are rural. About a 45 minute drive into Nashville though.

 

We have no money for any testing at this time.

 

His favorite resturant is Olive Garden. I could plan a surprise lunch for just me and him in the next few days.

 

We've had a bit of "Life Situations" lately. The latest being a dead truck that will take almost $1000 to repair... It will go on a credit card. I exploded over everything..... he just got the tail end of it all.

 

I need to limit MY screen time too!!!!!

[Bang!Zoom!]

Sometime in the near future you might want to look into the theory of digital detox.

 

I was thinking an environmental change (electronics specifically) might be something your family would benefit from.

 

It actually (the use of digital media) changes the way the brain is, behaves, and can absorb information among a host of other things.

 

You mentioned his usage at first, do you have the gut feeling digital use in your home is out of control?

 

Do you have whole family support to stand behind a drastic change in those habits if you feel it needs adjusted?

[gingersmom]

:grouphug:

 

Don't beat yourself up. All is not lost.

 

I love the idea of you and your son going out to his favorite restaurant. I also love the idea of unplugging tv and computers. More face time will do wonders for all of you.

 

My daughter did public school till 6th grade, private for 7th and then homeschool. I had her repeat 7th grade at home. I felt so guilty that she was behind. How did I let this happen? Lets see-there was the divorce from hell, then her father died and it all went downhill from there. With some extra effort on both our parts she was caught up and well on her way to being back on track within months.

 

You can do this.

[PollyOR]

BTDT <sigh>

 

 

:grouphug: Pam :grouphug:

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

One Mom;

First, thanks!:001_smile: You really seem interested and concerned about helping me.

 

But, no, overall...... screen time is not out of control.

 

I think that the boys "do what they want to do" too much, but it is not entirely computers and tv. In the heat of the moment, my post did seem to reflect that the whole problem was the computer or tv. But reading novels, building legos, target practice, playing the piano, writing stories, swimming with neighbors, and other activites are part of it too. The real problem is that the boys give their best to these other activities and half heartedly do school.

 

I have spent too much time online today. I got involved in reseraching Algebra 2 programs after older son and I had trouble figuring out some word problems when we HAD the answers. Every home school mom finds themselves on some days engrossed in researching curriculum or searching for solutions to schedule problems and parenting issues. But , most days I spend about 30 minutes online first thing while boys are reading literature, about another 30 minutes during lunch, and then after that there is no pattern. Many days I'm not on the computer at all.

[Tammyla]

:iagree: Tell him you love, apologize, ask for forgiveness and then work for and with him. You can use this as a loving, teaching time to accept responsibility and get a plan together.

 

(If it were me, I would work hard to set an example by giving up screen time and let my child know what you shared with us.)

 

Things can get better; I'm sorry your day was so awful:grouphug:. Now go hug your kid and let him know how much you love him no matter what.

 

 

 

Don't beat yourself up. We've all had our "less than shining moments" with our kids.

 

Go apologize. Humble yourself. Admit to your child that you have been cheating him of a good education.

 

And unplug yourself. Get off the computer/internet. I know, from experience, how much time those suck away from "real life". Have your DH put a password on the computer that only he knows. It's amazing how conscious you become of your online time when you have to humble yourself and ask for time on the computer. Sounds drastic, I know, but it works. All of a sudden you will have gads of time to spend on schooling.

 

The kids will follow your lead.

 

Hang in there.

Edited August 30, 2011 by Tammyla

[Bang!Zoom!]

The other thing I was wondering about was changing the environment in which they learn.

 

I could attach a story about a long drawn out story and experience I had in college with this idea...the basic idea is that if all you do in a space is learn, it sort of "fires up" that part of the brain and gets it in a primed state to perform and learn.

 

Sit and think about it for a minute.

 

Where do you do your best learning?

 

Where are places that all that takes place is learning?

 

We also branched off during the study to interview different people in academic and creative careers to ask them about their environment and creativity.

 

Man did I meet some cool people with some wild spaces and almost Marine Corps. idealism about it.

 

Libraries came up all the time during that study.

 

Is there any way you could experiment with changing the environment to see if it affects the attitude and performance of learning?

 

Just throwing it out there as a question.

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: Stress weighs on everyone. When you're already feeling beat up by life it doesn't take much to lose it. I did that a lot last year, we had a horrid year.

 

I would take ds for a drive and apologize. Go get ice cream, a slushie, go buy a can of Pringles and sit in a parking lot. I think boys respond well with food and car rides. Apologize for losing your cool then ask some questions and listen. Allow him to tell you exactly why he feels so dumb and what you do to contribute to that. Don't respond, just listen, take notes.

 

Explain what you wrote in your post about the frustration, not as an excuse.

 

If you haven't already read some of Nan's posts, search for the tag http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/tags.php?tag=nan%27s+words+of+wisdom . She does a great job of sharing about the nature of details and boys.

 

Maybe set aside math for a few days while you find the text you need. I read you post on the high school, sorry I don't have any advice in that arena.

 

Hug him, tell him you love him, that you feel like you're letting him down, not the other way around. Encourage his gifts and talents, bring something wonderful he does into the conversation.

 

Then get some sleep and start fresh tomorrow. Tabula Rasa means blank slate, start with that tomorrow.

 

YOu're not a horrible mother. If you didn't care, it wouldn't feel so emotional. Deep breath, it will be okay.

[butterflymommy]

I would offer the suggestion that this is not necessarily your fault. After many years of homeschooling I've concluded that people are who they are, their strengths remain their strengths, their weaknesses remain their weaknesses. There are kids out there who can't be turned into scholars by all the tiger moms in the world. Some kids are, to a certain extent, unteachable.

 

This isn't to say that people can't improve themselves, make their weaknesses less weak, or try to compensate for their weaknesses. But not everyone is designed to be an academic, not everyone has the attitude of a go getter, not everyone is willing to wake up each morning ready to fight the good fight.

 

I just try to reach a middle ground with my kids. I try to teach and encourage work ethic. Sometimes I get through, sometimes I don't. I try to appreciate the little accomplishments. I have no idea what their futures hold, academically. But I realized it's not going to be the end of the world if one of my daughters is a nanny instead of an attorney, or if they never reach any great zenith of academic success. At the end of the day, I just hope they are decent, optimistic people willing to work hard, no matter what that work might be.

 

I know we are all here because we believe in a classical education, but some people just aren't meant to be academics. This was a tough one for me to swallow, but it has helped me be more realistic, and more accepting of my kids.

[Kim in SouthGa]

:grouphug:

I deal with the same types of issues with my son. I wonder sometimes if he would be better off in school. He does take some outside classes and always takes them seriously and makes straight A's. But the work he turns in to me way too often looks like his 9 year old cousin did it!! And I'm not just talking about sloppy handwriting, but about the total lack of thought and seriousness that went into it. I keep lecturing him about how he is going to need these skills for college but it just doesn't seem to mean anything coming from me. I think for 11th and 12th we will probably do mostly online, coop, and local college classes. I have 3 younger ones that need me too, and I just can't keep doing this with him (can you read my frustration?). If he was a poor student all the way around it would be different, but it just seems to be with the subjects that I am in charge of.

Sorry I don't have any solutions, but maybe it will help knowing you are not alone :grouphug:

[thowell]

Pam, let me ask you this. This is the younger son who you describe as babyish and immature? If so I have BTDT! It can be very hard to build and maintain a relationship with someone who acts this way. Especially hard if this is the opposite of your personality. My dss and I butted heads for years because of this. Do you think there is a reason for his behavior? I learned over the years that with dss this was a defense mechanism for him. Anytime he felt nervous or intimidated he would act this way. This happened during school work, social time etc. etc. The reason I am focusing on this part (besides the fact you have already received great advice) is because I discovered this was the root of our problem. And yes, he may be behind and it might be your fault, but why haven't you taught him? Is it because his personality is so hard for you to take? If so, this is something you will have to find a solution to. As someone said we are who we are. If this is his personality right now you will have to find a way to accept it. Now that doesn't mean you have to accept disrespect! I know that as bad as this may sound sometimes we can find it hard to like our own children. Get honest with yourself (which it sounds like you are doing) and really find the root of them problem. As far as him being behind there isn't alot you can do at once especially until you solve the other problem. Work from where he is. What kind of things does he like to do? Can you start doing some of those with him? Find a way to bond with him or it will continue to be a struggle. I think the biggest eye opener for me was when my father died. I loved him dearly but he was a very hard man and I began to realize that these were the only memories of him I had. I decided I did not want my kids to feel this about me. I began to pick my battles, figure out other ways to get them to do what they needed to do. I really feel your pain and am so sorry you are going through this but you can fix it!

[Create Your Ritual]

I think ultimately when it comes to your children, or any child in general, first and foremost the relationship with them is the most important thing. Under the circumstances you really are no different than most in that if you haven't been consistent with the parenting, nor a solid routine, then it will end up showing in the behavior of the kids. They learn very quickly what they can get away with, and what is the least that is expected of them.

 

I would most definitely start with an apology to your son, and also tell him that he hasn't let you down. Humbling experience, I know.. I have apologized a few times myself when I knew I had got out of line. Kids have a way of bringing out our worst attributes when we get stressed, tired, or just plain sick of dealing. After that though, you HAVE to let go of the guilt and begin again. You WILL be calmer with a routine and clear expectations placed on them.

 

When all this is said and done in 10 years down the road what kind of relationship do you want with your child? Make THAT your priority right now, and then present clear expectations for what is expected each day with consequences for not completing it that do not include you losing your cool. The consequence needs to be addressed before hand so at the moment of 'impact' so to speak you all have a game plan and it doesn't become a screaming match.

 

I wish you the best of luck. We all are mom's and we all GET it with how a day can quickly turn into a war zone. ;-) You are not alone, but just keep your eyes on the prize and you will both get there.

Edited August 30, 2011 by SaDonna

[2cents]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Start fresh. We've all done things that we regret in the heat of the moment. It's done and the only thing you can do it look at ways to move on from it.

 

Each child is different and what works for one doesn't always work for the other. My suggestion would be to forget about the grade levels and focus on what he can do and work slowly up from there. Keep it short so that you both don't feel overworked and just spend time reading and doing things together that you both will enjoy. I think that limiting tv and video is a good idea. He needs to be redirected to things that may encourage him to focus on school.

 

Don't beat yourself up. Just have a talk with him and move on. :grouphug:

[PeterPan]

It's human to feel frustrated, and I've been there. The key is to do something about it. Like get the evaluations for the LD's. Like change what you're using to fit his reality. Like not assuming that even if you *had* taught him as well as you would have liked he wouldn't have these problems. If he didn't have the problems, he probably wouldn't be so far behind, even with the things you've described.

 

Now that you've dealt with the vision, move on to the next thing. Get the evals. Right now you're frustrated, he's frustrated, and it all becomes this facade. His failure is in living up to the standard. My dd would have the exact same reaction to that BJU American Republic. (I have it and like it.) No amount of work on my part changes that. That's the LD, and the sooner you figure that out and find ways they CAN work, the better.

 

The biggest change I've made this year is to make sure my dd has things she can do, as in CAN DO, without me, utterly without me. I suggest you find 3 things he can do without you and make sure they can done every day. Doesn't sound like BJU anything is one of them.

 

And personally, I wouldn't toss the screen time so radically. I'd harness it. Pick those 3 things that you've rearranged to make sure he can do, and then use the screen time as the reward. That huge preference for the screen time is probably showing you where his best learning method is right now. Some of these LD/ADD/whatever kids turn out to be VSL's who do MUCH better and retain better when they do it via tv. Biology via tv, yup. History via tv, yup.

 

Apologizing is fine, but working together on a new game plan is even better.

 

Mercy, hope that wasn't too harsh. I've totally btdt. And like I said, the change bringing our peace is stuff I'm absolutely confident she can do independtly, changing modalities, giving her the environment she actually needs given her attention issues, etc. It meant being very real, not just living in the bubble of what the boards recommend. And the evals can help you get there.

[Tracy]

:grouphug: I have little ones, so I really have no business giving advice. I do think, though, that telling him what you told us would be a very good start. I also was really inspired by the book, How to Hold On To Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld. Perhaps you could find something there that would by helpful?

 

Again, :grouphug:. I have struggled with health issues myself, and I know how it feels to know your kids need something and you don't have it to give.

[5LittleMonkeys]

Oh gosh Pam! Your post made me tear up because I have been there. I know how painful it is when you finally realize that your are a big part of the problem. I'm telling you though, that once you take ownership you will be able to make great leaps and bounds in making things better.

 

Dd12 is immature for her age and is very difficult to teach so yes, I tended to avoid trying to actively teach her and would often let her off the hook on assignments that she would start whining about. She is extremely emotional, VSL, fights against forced learning and is dealing with a few LDs...homeschooling her is exhausting. In stark contrast my other two girls are joys to homeschool. They are self-motivated, love learning and seem to be able to adapt to many styles of learning. Of coarse I want to spend more time teaching them.

 

Dd and I have had a lot of heart to hearts this past year and have made a pact to work as a team regarding her education. I've tried to really get to know her better too. I've learned to look past the annoying behavior and really see her, her strengths, her attributes, her endearing little idiosyncrasies. I tried really hard to ignore or overlook those behaviors that I found irritating. Once I started focusing on what I loved about her the things that bothered me didn't seem nearly as prominent or important.

 

Once she and I got to a better place in our relationship the issues with schoolwork seemed to lesson dramatically and some even disappeared completely. Schoolwork is still a challenge because of her VSL and LDs but now we work together to find solutions instead of butting heads constantly. She is never going to be an academic, will probably always struggle with math, and might not be college bound but she has so many other things that she could draw upon to be a happy and successful adult. Allowing her to shine as who she is versus trying to mold her to what I thought she should be has done amazing things for her self-esteem and consequently improved her attitude about schoolwork too.

 

I'm so sorry you are feeling bad right now and I hope some of my experience with my dd might hit a cord with you and let you see that this situation is very repairable. As I mentioned at the beginning, you've already taken the hardest step. :grouphug:

[mcconnellboys]

My younger son is at least somewhat like this, too. I have recently been reading that those with anxiety disorder are often more immature than others of the same age. I believe that this personality trait may also go hand in hand with other learning disorders, too....

[Hen]

I think in your shoes, I would work on repairing your relationship- which you've already mentioned.

 

I think you do know that the electronics are a problem. I was reading some about research into how screen time and video games change your brain patterns and how to some people even provoke an addiction response. We have noticed our son cannot handle too much screen time. I am totally guilty of not watching it and letting it slide and not monitoring how much screen time he has because then I don't have to hear how "bored" he is...but, we also get to the point where we notice how easily angry and put out he becomes, easily irritated and rude to others..so we pull it all back. I go back and forth to wanting to just throw it all out- to welcoming the distraction it brings.

 

saying all that to say that I get it. I do think you should look into cutting it out. We have cut our boy off for a month- as punishment, and at this moment he is allowed a 1/2 hr. of computer screen time and 1/2 hr of movie/t.v. time (exception 2night for Dr. Who!) It has improved his disposition and after several heart to heart talks, he has acknowledged that he doesn't like who he is when he has too much screen time.

 

His wii broke, and we let him know we will not be replacing it and we crushed his ultimate dream of getting a xbox 360. Not going to happen now. He can play a few games on the computer for 1/2 hr and that is it.

 

My other suggestion is about Math- since you wrote about it. Maybe a change of pace is needed for both of you, can you have dad teach it? Or use a program on video and have dad check it and monitor him? Math is my weak subject, so I use a program on video so I am only explaining when they don't understand and checking their work.

 

cyber hugs to you. I think with a lot of prayer, some quiet time, discussion with your husband, that you can figure something out. If you think you need a diagnosis, maybe check around for a university that might do testing as part of their program?

[*~Tina~*]

:grouphug::grouphug: Please read The Myth of Laziness by Mel Levine. I have a child with real learning disabilities...that whole discovery process can bring both grief and a sense of relief for both of you.

[smillard00]

You've gotten great advice here. I just thought I would add one more point to the mix. I have gotten very upset several times with one of my children who has been doing everything to avoid work, not attempting anything that seems difficult, not giving her best effort, etc. When I really started thinking and praying about it, I realized that one of the reasons it is so upsetting to me is that I am pouring so much of my time and energy into pulling together the right curriculum and writing lesson plans and adjusting resources and all that goes into educating these kids. When they just give it half an effort at best, I feel like they are not valuing ME and that I have wasted the time and effort and resources in pulling together an education that they don't value. I totally take it personally! When I can separate myself from the curriculum, I can deal with the problems much more rationally and lovingly. It was a big revelation for me.

 

Maybe it isn't your issue at all, but I thought I would throw it out there just in case. I hope you've had a good talk with your ds by now and that fences are being mended. Hang in there!

[AngelBee]

Actions speak louder than words. Tell your son you spoke to him out of your anger and frustration at YOURSELF. Tell him you're seeking help to your family issues. Tell him that you love him but more importantly, show him that you love him. Do you have something special you do w/ just him? A walk everyday to talk? Trip to the ice cream parlor on weekends? Go see a movie? Enjoy a book that he's reading...just enjoy it and talk about it...no matter what level the book is on.

 

I'm sure the other posters here can help you w/ the educational issues but if you suspect LD's, I'd have him tested ASAP.

 

:grouphug:

 

I took my ds6 on d date last week because I was having trouble being patient with him. :( We got ice cream and went to a park with a pond and TONS of ducks.

 

Cheap and desperately needed.

[Lori D.]

moved to a private message

Edited August 31, 2011 by Lori D.

[chepyl]

Take some time and work on your relationship. My DS came in my room crying one day because I always talked mean to him. There was some yelling and lots of time outs. We had a good talk about him following directions so that I could speak nicely to him. When he does not mind I get cranky and upset and it is hard to talk nice sometimes. We then spent some time together. We went on a date - Sundays in the car at McDonald's. :)

 

I would stop with the curriculum and structured learning for a while, maybe you just need a week or two, but take a break. Get some historical fiction, some cool science books, and fun literature selections. Spend a couple of small chunks of time each day (30 minutes to an hour at a time depending on what you both can handle) and read together. Take turns reading out loud and discuss the books. Do some fun and easy experiments. You can have him do some math pages, but just do a few problems a day. Do them on a white board instead of paper.

 

He will still be learning, and it will all be teacher intensive; but that is what you need. He needs to know that you are invested in his education and in him as a person. It will help build your relationship and his confidence.

 

If you think he has some learning disabilities, I would try to save for some testing, or do some research on your own. Look for similar issues and then look for natural remedies and behavior management tips. Changing his diet (I know some people cut out high carbs or gluten and get behavior changes, look at sugar intake, and even food dyes. I have heard of people cutting a dye out and seeing changes.); tv/game time, and your approach to his education and behavior management will not hurt him; but you may find a new way to deal with him that works.

 

Most importantly, spend time with him, get to know him, develop that relationship.

 

:grouphug:

[....]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Can you put the TV/video games out in the garage or closet for a few months?

 

I would sit down with your son and come up with a plan to get him where you want him to be. FWIW, we have friends whose daughter tested several grade levels behind in math (she was in middle school). They figured out where she was, sat down with a plan to get her on track and brought her up to grade level by the next year (when she did her testing).

 

Your idea of taking your son out to lunch is a good start. Maybe you two could spend some time together (without schoolwork).

[creekmom]

Hmmm.... Have you considered menopause? I only say that because I went through it myself (a little early at age 37), and your reaction to what's going on sounds very much like it could be due to the extreme hormonal imbalances that menopause causes. I remember losing my temper at the drop of a hat and yelling at my kids over little (very little) things. I, of course, had no idea I was going through menopause; I just thought I was losing my mind! Some other symptoms include: fatigue, insomnia, difficulty concentrating, weight gain shifts from upper thighs to stomach, dryness (even my nails were peeling), very heavy periods, etc.. At the time, my dr. prescribed Welbutrin, and it changed my life!!! I went from this overwhelming feeling that I was barely keeping my head above the water to feeling like I was Wonder Woman! :D It gave me energy and patience and helped clear my thoughts. (Other positive side effects: weight loss and increased s*x drive!) I realize this may not be the case for you, but I thought I'd throw it out there if you hadn't considered it.

[Guest Barb B]

Hmmm. . . don't know how old you are but - menopause, perimenpause or anything like that. The olive Garden idea is great, but I would have a talk with him the first chance you get - at 14 you can level with him - apologize, be honest about your struggle with this and even what stresses may be around encouraging this reaction from you. Just level with him. . . no excuses just straight talk. Tell him you are really going to work on this. . . even ask for his help. This might sound silly, but maybe you could have some sort of nonverbal sign he could give you when you are overstepping into the yelling. . . Then you could go take t time out and calm down.

 

This may be unpopular with some on the board but - I wouldn't take tv and video games away altogether. There is something to say for just forgetting life and getting into a good show or game. Also, try to plan some things your ds is interested in and do them together. . . just you and him, not school related. . . in other words - don't just take away the negative behavior (screaming) but also do some bonding things. Another thing - think about something you could do (even if it is silently "in your head") that you can do the second you catch yourself screaming. For me, it was silently saying the Our Father. Once a wise priest told me: "sometimes it takes a lifetime to overcome our faults, in the meantime it is best to just keep our mouths shut!".

 

Barb

[UmMusa]

Just offering support. Set a couple of simple goals and work towards those each day.

 

Like the Duggars talk about: praise them as much as you can. That's what helps bring about better behavior and increased self confidence.

[Capt_Uhura]

 

This may be unpopular with some on the board but - I wouldn't take tv and video games away altogether. There is something to say for just forgetting life and getting into a good show or game. Also, try to plan some things your ds is interested in and do them together. . . just you and him, not school related. . . in other words - don't just take away the negative behavior (screaming) but also do some bonding things. Another thing - think about something you could do (even if it is silently "in your head") that you can do the second you catch yourself screaming. For me, it was silently saying the Our Father. Once a wise priest told me: "sometimes it takes a lifetime to overcome our faults, in the meantime it is best to just keep our mouths shut!".

 

Barb

:iagree: about not taking away TV and computer. At these ages, I think it's better to teach self-regulation. After all, when they are adults, there won't be anyone around to take away bad things. Help them to decide how much TV/computer is Ok each day and still get their work done. It may be computer/TV only after 5pm or only on weekends or only in the AM.

[Hedgehog]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I have no advice - just a lot of sympathy. I am not looking forward to my kids becoming teens.

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

Thank you all so much for the kind replies.

Lots of great suggestions!

 

Since the screaming event more "life" has happened:

1. Oldest dd called yesterday from college crying because she had to change dorms... this one un airconditioned. Her original roommate told the housing office that they would not be good roommates. DD had not even spent one night there! She is over 400 miles away. That increased my stress!

 

2. Said child from original post..... has migraine headaches.... one reason for inconsistent schooling..... Well, he woke with a migraine today. He is in bed and my ideas for reconciliation today have been replaced with letting him sleep the migraine away. That increases my stress! (He was angry with me and would not listen to my apologies last night. He did watch "The Eagle" with us and was happily discussing the movie and asking all sorts of questions about Pics, Romans, Hadrian's Wall.)

 

3. My 18 yo dd just called after getting out of doctor's office. She needs surgery to remove and infected painful wart/blister from her toe. That has increased my stress!

 

4. DS16 just told me, "My brain hurts. I can't do math anymore right now." I held my tongue. I held my breath. I calmly assigned a different subject.

 

My 50th birthday was Sunday. Yes, I am in menopause.

My girls are both living away from home. I miss them terribly.

My truck needs about $1000 worth of repairs. We have one vehicle right now. (Thankfully dh is using office car for the rest of this week.)

 

I have NOT got my lesson plans written out yet. I have the basic assignments written out, but we all work SO MUCH BETTER with the goals for the week written down and checked off.

 

I'm praying about all this today.

I need some oxgyn before I put the mask on the person next to me.

 

I really need to write out those lesson plans. I just mainly jot down the lesson number or page number I'd like to accomplish on a given day. I usually jot down a couple of weeks at a time with another little note of where I'd like to be at months end. I had also decided that this year we would do lessons 4 days a week with Fridays for catching up, doing tests, extra teaching. I have not done any of that yet.

 

Thanks everyone for listening (reading) to me. And for all the wonderful suggestions I need to consider.

[Capt_Uhura]

Pam - Don't feel alone. I'm doing my planning right now. Most have started school already!! Our district starts 9/6. Dh is having surgery 9/7. The inlaws were supposed to take the kids away for a week so I could have alone time, get my planning done, organize HS stuff but the storm canceled everything. I just feel like everything is not the way it's supposed to be lol but we'll get there....Hang in there!

[Dina in Oklahoma]

Pam - Don't feel alone. I'm doing my planning right now. Most have started school already!! Our district starts 9/6. Dh is having surgery 9/7. The inlaws were supposed to take the kids away for a week so I could have alone time, get my planning done, organize HS stuff but the storm canceled everything. I just feel like everything is not the way it's supposed to be lol but we'll get there....Hang in there![/QUOTE] :iagree:

 

I'm right with you ladies! We always start our "new" year the day after Labor Day and co-op started on August 22. Between DD and my health issues, planning two co-op classes and trying to get something done on our remodel I have to get into overdrive with planning DD schedule.:tongue_smilie:We also had to push back our start date until the 12th.

Pam~

I want to thank you for sharing your situation. I'm forwarding a PM to you! Dina:001_smile:

Edited August 31, 2011 by Dina in Oklahoma

[Bang!Zoom!]

I'm personally in my life always struggling with electronics in the house with the kid. That girl has skill.

 

But....I really do go off in my mind about balance and the honest research that is out there about digital impact.

 

And then I read about the future, and how many of the jobs our kids will be working aren't even created yet. And most of them revolve or include communication skills which depend on technology.

 

PS systems are under a change right now, in some places it's a slow movement, and in others it is the foundation. There is distance learning courses for example.

 

I use some online learning with mine. I do step in and participate, I look for benchmarks of retention, value, creativity and the like. Sometimes, it's good...and other times..it's frankly trash.

 

Where is the balance?

 

Would it be so wrong to take a child with attention strengths when using technology and let them explore that in learning and just really step back and let them fly?

 

Would you allow it for all subjects? Are the outcomes the same?

 

Take Khan Academy as an example.

 

What if this program really worked for you child say...vs. kitchen table and paper. Would it be wise to let them totally plug-in and go...or just for the sake of tradition and the fear of "zombie-mind" and throw the technology out?

 

I really do worry about the developing brain of a child with technology. I worry about paper books disappearing...the whole digital-divide thing.

 

How do you blend it, check yourself as a parent along the way if you use it?

 

How do you know you aren't slacking on your responsibilities in liberal arts and thinking skills? Do you think there are parents out there doing it-just letting them go completely unsupervised and calling that an education?

 

So many questions; but yes..there are things to discuss about balance when it comes to technology and education in the home.

 

It might really be a case of baby/bathwater and worth a second look.

 

I personally haven't found the line in our house honestly; it is a ***daily*** battle.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

:grouphug:I would do whatever it takes to get your ds evaluated and to get him up to speed even if that entails placing him in school. In our state the public schools are required to assess and help learning disabilities for homeschooling students. Perhaps they are required there as well.