ondreeuh Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 (edited) I am at a loss right now about my MIL. Five years ago her husband died of cancer. They had been together since college and he had been her one and only love. Last year she retired from her job and took up painting classes, volunteering, and tutoring. She has always been available to walk with her friends and help out with the grandchildren. She even has a bedroom set up for them at her house and it is truly their home away from home. Well she got on an online dating site a few months ago and had coffee with a few men, which we were totally fine with. She really hit it off with one man, and she threw a dinner for us to meet him and his teenage son. He is very nice and his son is fine. It was a little awkward to see them hanging on each other a bit, especially as they'd only been dating for 3 weeks, but she's a grown woman and she can do what she wants, right? Well it's just gotten weird and awkward for the rest of us. Her boyfriend is over EVERY SINGLE DAY from morning til night. She is hard to get ahold of and if she does come by, he is always with her. She volunteered to watch the boys last weekend overnight so my husband and I could have a date night, and asked us if it was OK if her boyfriend was there. We said it was fine, and the boys had fun, but it's weird that she couldn't be away from him for one night. So my SIL came over last night, and she is distraught. She filled us in, and it's clear that her mother is head-over-heels and not being rational AT ALL. She has been dating this guy for about 6 weeks now, and is figuring out how to rearrange furniture to make a room for her boyfriend's son to live at her house. :confused: She was married for 35 years, widowed for 5, and is now moving her brand new boyfriend into her house?! MIL's best friend is upset because MIL is suddenly not available for their nightly walks around the neighborhood, which they have done for probably a decade. SIL is upset because her mom went from available to talk to having a boyfriend permanently attached at the hip. SIL has been staying at her mom's house temporarily until she moves out of state to join her husband, and her mom invited the boyfriend over for SIL's birthday AND for father's day, which has always been a day to remember MIL's late husband/SIL's father. When SIL finally got her alone to tell her she was upset, MIL was totally surprised. MIL told me that SIL is "acting weird" but I TOTALLY understand where SIL is coming from. I'm glad MIL is happy, but there are so many bells dinging. Too much commitment too soon. Within the next month, SIL will be moving out of state, we will be moving to Alaska, and BIL will be in town for a short visit (he lives in Australia). Her family really needs her to be present and enjoy this last bit of time when we're all in one place, and her boyfriend is a huge distraction. As soon as BIL arrives, MIL has planned a big dinner for everyone to meet each other, and then plans for ALL of us to go to the beach house for a few days. I would so much rather keep it family-only. SIL feels the same way. I really want to say something but it sounds so selfish. I did ask her if she and I could go out for breakfast together and she said she'd love to, and then said she was available any time (which makes me wonder if she quit all of her classes and volunteering). She will be watching my kids for over 2 weeks while dh and I drive up to Australia, and I want her to be in Grandma-mode, not girlfriend-mode. Not to mention I don't know much about this guy and I don't really want him playing Grandpa. Do I have the right to ask her to cool her jets for now? (She and I are extremely close with a great deal of mutual respect, and she is a mother to me, so this isn't a case where dh needs to do the talking.) Edited June 21, 2011 by ondreeuh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy1k Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 :( I wish I had some helpful advice. My MIL died about 7 years ago and honestly, my FIL's story is a lot like yours...only worse, if you could imagine. He married a predatory woman less than a year after his wife's death and ended up financially and emotionally devastated. He's still with the woman...but not doing well at all. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 :001_huh::001_huh::001_huh: Is she financially comfortable and is he looking to rip her off? This sounds painfully similar to some patients I've had who come in a MESS because this "too good to be true" guy was too good to be true. Beware of cashing in everything for a great business scheme. Beware of men who believe a man should take care of a woman (i.e. she sign over everything for him to "take care of"). I would look this guy over like a hawk. He could be using a fake name. Track down people who have known him for awhile. I jest not! A woman at work's 60-something mother only escaped murder by climbing over a back fence nearly naked and running down the street. Turns out he was wanted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sputterduck Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Maybe it's not so uncommon anymore for elderly people to meet online and then make bad decisions. We have a 76 year old who married a woman after knowing her for 5 weeks in real life. She is crazy. There is nothing to be done, though, because he already married her. I have nothing to say except make sure they don't get married until everyone is sure he is sane. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TracieT Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I'd say you do have the right to tell her to cool her jets. But she might not respond the way you'd like her to. I remember feeling that exact way when I started dating my husband. Except I was 16. :) I would hope if something horrible happened one day and I ended up dating I'd be more rational in my old age, but I guess love just does weird things to people. She probably feels like since her kids are grown she doesn't have responsibility and can just be care-free with this man. She doesn't realize, maybe, how much you all rely on her, even if it's emotionally or for short periods of time. Right now she has stars in her eyes and only sees this guy. If you talk to her, do it gently and make sure she knows it's not a matter of choosing between him and you or anything like that. But also be a little sensitive and try to see it from her perspective. She's been lonely and heartbroken for five years. This is new and exciting and she might be feeling happy for the first time in a long time. It wouldn't really be fair to take that away from her, either. And you never know....they might be together for the rest of their lives and this man is going to be part of the family whether anyone else likes it or not! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TracieT Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Definitely be cautious and watch out for her. I'd think with a teenage son, if he's looking for something it's someone to help him parent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 There is NO WAY I would leave my dc with her for 2 weeks right now. Her boyfriend and his son will have unlimited, complete access to your dc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wapiti Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I would not leave the kids there at this time. But do take the time to get to know the guy and the son some more - it's so hard to predict the future. Try to get her to slow down, though it's probably a losing battle. My mom was married to my dad for 40+ years. Four years after he died, she went through a whirlwind "romance" with a widower (met through friends). I knew something was not right with the situation - he was pressuring my mom to marry him (I guess the issue had to do with teA). On their "honemoon", he showed his true colors - verbally abusive. His kids had thought she knew :001_huh:. Anyway, he never fully moved in and they got divorced quickly (and then got an annulment). It was quite the scandal for a former nun; she learned her lesson. I never even met the guy and I watched the wedding over the internet - so glad I didn't attend. Yuck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 but it's weird that she couldn't be away from him for one night. No it isn't. She's in love! She was married for 35 years, widowed for 5, and is now moving her brand new boyfriend into her house?! So it's been a long time since she's felt that honeymoon feeling and she has good reasons for hurrying up and getting on with life? (Yeah, I think it is a bit soon to have him moving in, but my partner moved in with me after 4 months even though I didn't believe in doing such things, and we're still here 9 years later so who am I to talk?) MIL's best friend is upset because MIL is suddenly not available for their nightly walks around the neighborhood, which they have done for probably a decade. SIL is upset because her mom went from available to talk to having a boyfriend permanently attached at the hip. SIL has been staying at her mom's house temporarily until she moves out of state to join her husband, and her mom invited the boyfriend over for SIL's birthday AND for father's day, which has always been a day to remember MIL's late husband/SIL's father. When SIL finally got her alone to tell her she was upset, MIL was totally surprised. MIL told me that SIL is "acting weird" but I TOTALLY understand where SIL is coming from. Should the woman really skulk around pretending not to be in love, at her age? Nobody likes change, and new couples can be pretty annoying to everyone who isn't them, but unless the guy is revolting, you guys should really work at thinking she's cute. Annoying, sure, but kind of cute. I would so much rather keep it family-only. SIL feels the same way. I understand, but did your MIL tell her sons and daughters that their dates weren't welcome? Mine did. It doesn't create happy relations. I really want to say something but it sounds so selfish. Do I have the right to ask her to cool her jets for now? (She and I are extremely close with a great deal of mutual respect, and she is a mother to me, so this isn't a case where dh needs to do the talking.) You have the right to say anything you want, but I don't recommend saying too much. My mother upped and moved across the country to be with her partner. I don't like him, they both know it, but they've been happy together for something like 8 years now. That's better than her being here and unhappy. As long as they are keeping their finances separate, it's probably best to grind your teeth quietly. I would ask her when she intends to start walking with her friend again and proceed very slowly from there. I would not ask her to disinvite him. I would remind the rest of the family that things have changed and they need to be polite about it because their needs don't trump hers. Then offer an, uh, debrief session that she'll never find out about for afters. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 :001_huh::001_huh::001_huh: Is she financially comfortable and is he looking to rip her off? This sounds painfully similar to some patients I've had who come in a MESS because this "too good to be true" guy was too good to be true. Beware of cashing in everything for a great business scheme. Beware of men who believe a man should take care of a woman (i.e. she sign over everything for him to "take care of"). I would look this guy over like a hawk. He could be using a fake name. Track down people who have known him for awhile. I jest not! A woman at work's 60-something mother only escaped murder by climbing over a back fence nearly naked and running down the street. Turns out he was wanted. He does seem like a very smooth operator. MIL did some research on him after the first date - I don't know if she got a weird vibe, or if she was just checking to see if he was as good as he seemed. His work has put his name online enough that she was able to verify his work history. Oddly, he is not quite divorced from his last wife because he keeps her on his insurance, but they have been separated and living apart for 5 years. Initially MIL asked him if she could meet his ex and confirm she was OK with him dating, but I don't know if that ever happened. I would think his teenage son would blow his cover if he was lying to her. This kid is 16 and very-very-very 16. He has great plans to leave high school, get his GED, and attend community college for classes that interest him. He doesn't want to take a prescribed course of study, because he's "destined for great things" (his words). He's got it all figured out. MIL has always been so independent, but she has never felt good at managing money. I certainly hope she doesn't hand anything over to him! Her accountant told her before she started dating to beware of men who prey on widows. I just wonder if she's fallen so deep she's stopped being careful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lacie Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 She is a grown woman. There is not that much you can do, except talk to her. If y'all really have a good relationship, then you should be able to have a heart-to-heart talk about her behavior and the family. Do some research, especially if you are getting a bad vibe. I wish I had the information to do research on my mom's love interest before she got married. He is a registered sex offender (but I didn't know his 'real' first name to check). He is in jail now awaiting trial for new charges. This guy may not be a bad guy, but some people are... and your family needs to know all they can before anyone gets too serious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 The problem I have is that she assumes that because her boyfriend is so important to her, that he is just as important to the rest of us. And I'm sorry, but he's not. We don't know him. He seems like he is trying SO hard to win us over but it takes time to really get to know someone. If she wants to spend her time with him that's her business, but I don't really think he needs to be involved in everything she does with other people. Especially when we have precious little time with her left before we all leave. I understand, but did your MIL tell her sons and daughters that their dates weren't welcome? Mine did. It doesn't create happy relations. No, she probably never did, but none of her kids were lovesick. If one of her kids had moved a boyfriend into the home, she would have said something. In fact, she has always been a strong proponent of taking things slow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 He has over 1800 facebook friends. :svengo: I suppose I can friend him and get some more info. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleIzumi Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 There is NO WAY I would leave my dc with her for 2 weeks right now. Her boyfriend and his son will have unlimited, complete access to your dc. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 He has over 1800 facebook friends. :svengo: I suppose I can friend him and get some more info. Is he involved one of those direct marketing pyramid schemes for a living? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 I just know his main profession which is a freelance type of job. His work is high profile in his field and easy to verify. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ndseward Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 It sounds like the boyfriend is younger? As others have s aid, I would just keep a watch on this guy. Investigate where you can without causing trouble. I doubt mil will respond well to confrontation so tread lightly. Unless you spend some real time getting to know him and checking up on him, I'd think twice about leaving my kids with mil if he will be there all the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 He is a few years older than her, but they are both in their early sixties. Honestly, I don't see any red flags from anything I've seen. He does a lot of noble work and I can see why MIL is smitten. I'm not really worried about him, I'm just protective of my MIL and don't want to totally lose her to him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Why are we assuming this guy has ulterior motives? Can't they just be infatuated? Honestly, it sounds like the dynamic in the family has just shifted and it's the younger generation who is having trouble adjusting. That said, I think it's perfectly reasonable to have a sit down with MIL and say, "If you'd rather not have the kids over as much while you concentrate on your new relationship, I understand. I'm so happy you've found someone. Still, when you are committed to watching the kids I'd feel best if they have your undivided attention while you're with them." It seems you guys need to hammer out some new ground rules, but MIL isn't the only one who should be doing the adjusting. Barb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 He is a few years older than her, but they are both in their early sixties. Honestly, I don't see any red flags from anything I've seen. He does a lot of noble work and I can see why MIL is smitten. I'm not really worried about him, I'm just protective of my MIL and don't want to totally lose her to him. I feel for you, I really do. But I don't think you have the right to make those kinds of requests, do you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Sorry to get off track here, but didn't you recently post about your dd staying with her while you're gone for a couple of weeks? You were worried about her grandfather. Can you be absolutely certain your MIL will make sure your dd and her grandfather aren't alone? What if your MIL's new boyfriend thinks it's okay because he's a guy and the grandfather is a guy, yada yada. Just a thought for you to consider. Whether it's love or infatuation, the beginning of a relationship can leave one feeling giddy and she might not see things the same way you do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 No, I don't ultimately think it is your business at all. As Rosie says, she is in love. It's not strange at all. I am sure she realises you all might be a bit upset with her- and she is very wisely getting on with her own life, following her heart, instead of worrying what other people think of her. Sure, look out for her best interests, but don't mix that up with your own judgements- there is no rule about how long one should wait after death of spouse before dating, or before moving a partner in. I have an aunt who did something similar after my uncle died. She was nuts. She still is nuts. I don't like the guy at all- no one does, but she does! I haven't had much to do with them. But I stand by her right to do what she wants with the rest of her life, with whoever she wants. I don't think its anyone's business to tell someone what to do in such circumstances. I would truly wish her well and put your own feelings aside about how she "should" behave, and let her be herself. If she is not a threat to your grandkids...let them be with her, IMO. It's not your business to tell her to be a "grandmother" rather than a "girlfriend." To me that is way stepping over a boundary- and she even had the courtesy to ask you if you minded if he was there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I am at a loss right now about my MIL. Five years ago her husband died of cancer. They had been together since college and he had been her one and only love. Last year she retired from her job and took up painting classes, volunteering, and tutoring. She has always been available to walk with her friends and help out with the grandchildren. She even has a bedroom set up for them at her house and it is truly their home away from home. Well she got on an online dating site a few months ago and had coffee with a few men, which we were totally fine with. She really hit it off with one man, and she threw a dinner for us to meet him and his teenage son. He is very nice and his son is fine. It was a little awkward to see them hanging on each other a bit, especially as they'd only been dating for 3 weeks, but she's a grown woman and she can do what she wants, right? Well it's just gotten weird and awkward for the rest of us. Her boyfriend is over EVERY SINGLE DAY from morning til night. She is hard to get ahold of and if she does come by, he is always with her. She volunteered to watch the boys last weekend overnight so my husband and I could have a date night, and asked us if it was OK if her boyfriend was there. We said it was fine, and the boys had fun, but it's weird that she couldn't be away from him for one night. So my SIL came over last night, and she is distraught. She filled us in, and it's clear that her mother is head-over-heels and not being rational AT ALL. She has been dating this guy for about 6 weeks now, and is figuring out how to rearrange furniture to make a room for her boyfriend's son to live at her house. :confused: She was married for 35 years, widowed for 5, and is now moving her brand new boyfriend into her house?! MIL's best friend is upset because MIL is suddenly not available for their nightly walks around the neighborhood, which they have done for probably a decade. SIL is upset because her mom went from available to talk to having a boyfriend permanently attached at the hip. SIL has been staying at her mom's house temporarily until she moves out of state to join her husband, and her mom invited the boyfriend over for SIL's birthday AND for father's day, which has always been a day to remember MIL's late husband/SIL's father. When SIL finally got her alone to tell her she was upset, MIL was totally surprised. MIL told me that SIL is "acting weird" but I TOTALLY understand where SIL is coming from. I'm glad MIL is happy, but there are so many bells dinging. Too much commitment too soon. Within the next month, SIL will be moving out of state, we will be moving to Alaska, and BIL will be in town for a short visit (he lives in Australia). Her family really needs her to be present and enjoy this last bit of time when we're all in one place, and her boyfriend is a huge distraction. As soon as BIL arrives, MIL has planned a big dinner for everyone to meet each other, and then plans for ALL of us to go to the beach house for a few days. I would so much rather keep it family-only. SIL feels the same way. I really want to say something but it sounds so selfish. I did ask her if she and I could go out for breakfast together and she said she'd love to, and then said she was available any time (which makes me wonder if she quit all of her classes and volunteering). She will be watching my kids for over 2 weeks while dh and I drive up to Australia, and I want her to be in Grandma-mode, not girlfriend-mode. Not to mention I don't know much about this guy and I don't really want him playing Grandpa. Do I have the right to ask her to cool her jets for now? (She and I are extremely close with a great deal of mutual respect, and she is a mother to me, so this isn't a case where dh needs to do the talking.) He is a few years older than her, but they are both in their early sixties. Honestly, I don't see any red flags from anything I've seen. He does a lot of noble work and I can see why MIL is smitten. I'm not really worried about him, I'm just protective of my MIL and don't want to totally lose her to him. Two things...you hear too many bells, but don't see any red flags?:confused: What do you mean? Second...you don't want to lose her to him? You, your dh and dc, and her dd are all moving in the next month? Her other ds lives in Australia? She might just be trying to fill a void she knows is coming up. You are not losing her, she is losing y'all and she knows it. Still, I'd not leave my dc with her for 2 weeks right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 (edited) MIL divorced dh's stepdad and was remarried within six months. Her husband passed away last summer and she has a new boyfriend. She's lonely. Her kids do not live near her. Her siblings and friends are getting older, getting sick, passing away. She doesn't want to be alone. I migh not leave my kids there with this man and his teenage son. I don't think I would be comfortable with that. Edited June 21, 2011 by Mrs Mungo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 Two things...you hear too many bells, but don't see any red flags?:confused: What do you mean? Second...you don't want to lose her to him? You, your dh and dc, and her dd are all moving in the next month? Her other ds lives in Australia? She might just be trying to fill a void she knows is coming up. You are not losing her, she is losing y'all and she knows it. Still, I'd not leave my dc with her for 2 weeks right now. I hear bells dinging about her suddenly revolving her life around him, losing her friends, alienating her family. Nothing about him in particular worries me - he seems like a very nice guy. I am going to talk to her about making the most of the time we have together. I think she will take that well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 Sorry to get off track here, but didn't you recently post about your dd staying with her while you're gone for a couple of weeks? You were worried about her grandfather. Can you be absolutely certain your MIL will make sure your dd and her grandfather aren't alone? What if your MIL's new boyfriend thinks it's okay because he's a guy and the grandfather is a guy, yada yada. Just a thought for you to consider. Whether it's love or infatuation, the beginning of a relationship can leave one feeling giddy and she might not see things the same way you do. I have explained the situation to MIL and she is totally on board with keeping the grandfather away. I may have to talk to the boyfriend too to make sure he understands. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 No, I don't ultimately think it is your business at all. As Rosie says, she is in love. It's not strange at all. I am sure she realises you all might be a bit upset with her- and she is very wisely getting on with her own life, following her heart, instead of worrying what other people think of her. Sure, look out for her best interests, but don't mix that up with your own judgements- there is no rule about how long one should wait after death of spouse before dating, or before moving a partner in. I have an aunt who did something similar after my uncle died. She was nuts. She still is nuts. I don't like the guy at all- no one does, but she does! I haven't had much to do with them. But I stand by her right to do what she wants with the rest of her life, with whoever she wants. I don't think its anyone's business to tell someone what to do in such circumstances. I would truly wish her well and put your own feelings aside about how she "should" behave, and let her be herself. If she is not a threat to your grandkids...let them be with her, IMO. It's not your business to tell her to be a "grandmother" rather than a "girlfriend." To me that is way stepping over a boundary- and she even had the courtesy to ask you if you minded if he was there. To clear this up a bit - I don't think I have any right to get in her business about what she does with her own life. My concern is about how she is inserting her boyfriend into everyone else's lives. When she is in charge of my children for two weeks, I want them to be her priority, and I think that is totally fair. Her primary mode should be Grandmother and looking out for them. If I hired a babysitter, I wouldn't want them to have their boyfriend around constantly. She is a grown woman but not really acting like it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 That is a good idea. I don't really have a back-up plan for the kids the whole time we are on the road, but I can ask my parents to take the kids while they are in town. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kate CA Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 To clear this up a bit - I don't think I have any right to get in her business about what she does with her own life. My concern is about how she is inserting her boyfriend into everyone else's lives. When she is in charge of my children for two weeks, I want them to be her priority, and I think that is totally fair. Her primary mode should be Grandmother and looking out for them. If I hired a babysitter, I wouldn't want them to have their boyfriend around constantly. She is a grown woman but not really acting like it. I think this is completely reasonable! I would be frank with her. I would *not* allow my children to stay with her though, if he and his son are now living there. That would not be something I would be comfortable with At. All. They are strangers to you and two weeks is a lot of time for things to happen. She can have her new life - I get that and understand it a bit - but it doesn't mean that you have to have him all the time in yours. She will probably not understand, but I think it is always best to be honest. MIL, we are leaving and would like some time alone with just you. There isn't anything wrong with saying that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 The problem I have is that she assumes that because her boyfriend is so important to her, that he is just as important to the rest of us. And I'm sorry, but he's not. We don't know him. He seems like he is trying SO hard to win us over but it takes time to really get to know someone. If she wants to spend her time with him that's her business, but I don't really think he needs to be involved in everything she does with other people. Especially when we have precious little time with her left before we all leave. Once someone is in a relationship, they generally come as a package. It is natural you might feel some resistance and take time to warm to him, but if you care for your MIL, I would do it for her sake. You thinking he doesn't need to be involved in everything she does, I think shows you have forgotten what it is like to be in love. It is a stage, and it does change everything. Love and bonding are very, very powerful forces and not to be reckoned with. Chances are, everything will change and wont ever be the same again. But you can still love your MIL and have a good relationship with her, by the sounds of it. You just have to change your expectations. . Honestly, I don't see any red flags from anything I've seen. He does a lot of noble work and I can see why MIL is smitten. I'm not really worried about him, I'm just protective of my MIL and don't want to totally lose her to him. Then maybe that is a more honest way of approaching it rather than finding fault with him, her, or the situation. Just say you miss her, or you would like to spend some time with just her. Maybe you need to grieve some more for the sense of family that used to be, and is now changed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SailorMom Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Everyone gets a little crazy when they are in the beginnings of a relationship. I don't really see a problem. What I see, and I say this as gently as I can, and with full knowledge that I only know about 3 paragraphs worth of your life- Sounds more like you and other family members are resentful of the attention she is giving him after 5 years of pretty much her completely arranging her life around you all. She has a right to have fun with this. Keep an eye on him, and I wouldn't let kids stay there yet either, but your rensentment issues will only end up making your mom feel bad and hurting your relationship with her. Be happy for her- just because she's had family around doesn't mean she isn't lonely - it just isn't the same. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrdinaryTime Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I would NEVER leave my children with her if her boyfriend or his son has regular access to the house. Almost all sexual abuse of children is by family or friends. Your MIL does not seem to be in the place where she would exercise caution in ensuring the children were never alone with them over such a long period of time. In fact, it sounds like she could encourage to help everyone get to know each other better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarreymere Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 It doesn't sound like it is a good time for her to be babysitting. She has been pretty clear that this man is very important to her. If you feel that your children 'should' be her priority while she has them for two weeks (by which you pretty clearly mean that you don't want her new friend involved) then I think you are not being realistic. If this is a problem for you then you should make other plans for your kids. Other than that, she is an adult and it sounds like she is very happy with her choices right now while the rest of her family seems to strongly resent that she isn't still fully focused on them. You certainly seem to resent that. Sure, you want to be comfortable that this new guy isn't out to scam her, but beyond that quit being so selfish. If she wants to include this guy in her life you can choose to embrace him (might turn out to be a wonderful thing). Or you can sit around complaining about how things have changed and how much you don't like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dobela Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 My FIL died unexpectedly in 1999 after 40+years of marriage. A few years later my MIL announced that she had a boyfriend. She was 70 and we all about fainted. What?? A boyfriend?? The idea that someone was replacing FIL was very difficult. The new BF was a great guy. Really. But we all looked at him as though he was an escaped convict. One of my SILs really gave this man a very bad time. The realtionship didn't work out in the long run but the next boyfriend was much easier for us to accept. Because this wasn't the first boyfriend. Now she is with yet another man and we are thrilled that she has a companion her age with her interests. Will they marry? I don't know. She is 75 now and he is 79. If they decide to it will be with our blessings. Does MIL miss FIL? Yes absolutely. In the beginning MIL refused to come to some family events - a baby shower, a Christmas party, and Thanksgiving- and chose to spend it with the boyfriend. Why? Because she was ready to move on and stop mourning at every family event because FIL wasn't there. His death was still a dominating topic 5 years later as 2 of my 3 SILs would cry and weep at every family event because they were so sad he wasn't there. When she was with the boyfriend, they could reminisce about happy events in their past marriages and focus on today. My MIL changed what she was doing for the boyfriends. They exposed her to new interests. They gave her courage to stop the things that she was just doing to fill time but didn't really like doing. She says they got her out of a rut. Before she began dating again MIL was so dependant on one SIL that she almost smothered her. Now she isn't. MILs current boyfriend wants nothing to do with our family. MIL has only met one of his sons. Both just want to enjoy time together and not deal with any family dramas. SIL has been staying at her mom's house temporarily until she moves out of state to join her husband, and her mom invited the boyfriend over for SIL's birthday AND for father's day, which has always been a day to remember MIL's late husband/SIL's father Your SIL needs to grow up. If she wants to spend all day remembering her father, fine, but everyone else may chose to remember him in a new or different way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Buckin' Longhorn Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 It sounds to me like everyone is upset because MIL's life does not revolve around them anymore. This is an older lady having a whirlwind romance - let her. This has happened to me, with my own grandfather who married VERY soon (in my opinion) after my grandmother passed away, so I KNOW it's easier said than done. You have to let her live her life, and find her own happiness as she sees fit. Don't ruin it for her. She's not sixteen, she's a grown woman. You may end up alienating her and losing your relationship with her altogether. Your family dynamics are changing, change can be very difficult, but it will happen with or without you on board. I'd get on board if I were you. Who you are comfortable with watching your children is an entirely different animal. Don't do anything you aren't comfortable with, and people in that instance will have to accept your reasoning for that. See - it works both ways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxanne23 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 (edited) . Edited January 4, 2023 by roxanne23 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wapiti Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 She might just be trying to fill a void she knows is coming up. You are not losing her, she is losing y'all and she knows it. Still, I'd not leave my dc with her for 2 weeks right now. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*LC Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 When you are talking to her about the time you have left there and the time the kids are with her, I would stress that you/family/kids want to focus on spending time with just her, because you/the kids are going to miss her when you move to Alaska. With her son and his family moving away as well as her daughter, she is going to have a hard time. Hopefully she has found a good guy to help her though that. I would tell her that. I would also tell her I hate that the timing of her new relationship, because you would have lovedc the hance to get to know the boy firiend, but explain with everything going on you just don't have time/energy to do that right now. I would acknowledge that you know that your desire to have her all to yourselves for a little while is selfish. It sounds like she has been a great mother-in-law/grandmother just stress you want a little more of that before you leave. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 This is really helpful. Thank you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 It doesn't sound like it is a good time for her to be babysitting. She has been pretty clear that this man is very important to her. If you feel that your children 'should' be her priority while she has them for two weeks (by which you pretty clearly mean that you don't want her new friend involved) then I think you are not being realistic. If this is a problem for you then you should make other plans for your kids. Other than that, she is an adult and it sounds like she is very happy with her choices right now while the rest of her family seems to strongly resent that she isn't still fully focused on them. You certainly seem to resent that. Sure, you want to be comfortable that this new guy isn't out to scam her, but beyond that quit being so selfish. If she wants to include this guy in her life you can choose to embrace him (might turn out to be a wonderful thing). Or you can sit around complaining about how things have changed and how much you don't like that. Seriously? Your tone is exactly why I hesitated even writing anything. Every time I have tried to be honest, I get people like you who jump at the chance to criticize me personally. If you wouldn't speak to someone you hardly know in real life that bluntly, then don't say it online. If I ever put myself out there on this forum again, it will be despite you, not because of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laughing lioness Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 :001_huh::001_huh::001_huh: Is she financially comfortable and is he looking to rip her off? This sounds painfully similar to some patients I've had who come in a MESS because this "too good to be true" guy was too good to be true. Beware of cashing in everything for a great business scheme. Beware of men who believe a man should take care of a woman (i.e. she sign over everything for him to "take care of"). I would look this guy over like a hawk. He could be using a fake name. Track down people who have known him for awhile. I jest not! A woman at work's 60-something mother only escaped murder by climbing over a back fence nearly naked and running down the street. Turns out he was wanted. :iagree: 100% with my wise friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GWOB Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 We went throught something similar with my mil, except she had been married three times before.Her dd, who lives in the same town as her, had just married at the age of 37. We were living about 4 hours away. Mil got lonely and started dating a guy. We had no problems with her dating, or even the guy, just the way she went about it. My two older kids went to spend a few days at her house. Dh and I knew she was dating someone, but she made it seem very casual. When I went to pick up my kids, she brought him with her. Apparently (without our knowledge or permission) he was over at her house every day my kids were there. Mil and her bf basically went out on dates and took the kids along. I was livid! While I was happy she found someone, I just couldn't believe she would be so selfish as to bring a man she'd only know for two months around MY kids without MY permission. She did some other questionable things that finally resulted in a confrontation. Again, we were happy for her. We want her to find a nice guy, and he really is a nice guy. It was just the way she went about it (acting covert, having him show up without telling anyone he was coming, trying to take my kids to his house without telling us first) that ticked us off. When we confronted her about it, she got defensive and went on passive-aggressive overdrive. We're still dealing with this 1 1/2 years later. I get where your coming from. I do think you really want your mil to be happy. Maybe in time you will find out this guy is awesome and come to care for him. But I think you are just frustrated with the way in which she is handling this relationship, especially around your kids. That's ok. When we confronted mil, we only talked about the inappropriate activity with our kids. We stressed repeatedly that we liked her bf and wanted her to be happy. If you do confront your mil, I suggest you NOT tell her to cool it with her bf, but instead focus on specific concerns, like "I really need to know that my dc will be your #1 priority while they are in your care." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meriwether Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Two things...you hear too many bells, but don't see any red flags?:confused: What do you mean? Second...you don't want to lose her to him? You, your dh and dc, and her dd are all moving in the next month? Her other ds lives in Australia? She might just be trying to fill a void she knows is coming up. You are not losing her, she is losing y'all and she knows it. Still, I'd not leave my dc with her for 2 weeks right now. This was my thought. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Dh and I were ready to be married by our second date. We became inseparable. We're going on 12 years of marraige, after having dated for nine months. Sometimes, that is just how it works. Isn't that why some people get married? They just could not stand life apart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 Thank you so much for understanding and for your advice. I'm working up the nerve to call her now to ask her to meet me for coffee. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 He is a few years older than her, but they are both in their early sixties. Honestly, I don't see any red flags from anything I've seen. He does a lot of noble work and I can see why MIL is smitten. I'm not really worried about him, I'm just protective of my MIL and don't want to totally lose her to him.I hear bells dinging about her suddenly revolving her life around him, losing her friends, alienating her family. Nothing about him in particular worries me - he seems like a very nice guy. I am going to talk to her about making the most of the time we have together. I think she will take that well. Awww :grouphug: (no sarcasm, I think this is so sweet). You sound like my mom and my sister... and my two best friends, when dh and I started dating. Oh, they were all sure that dh (at the time dbf) was abusive, underhanded, devious, you name it. It wasn't him forcing me to move away, it was me being swept up in love. His friends all thought the same thing :lol: I can remember them telling me I was a Yoko, because I was dragging him away from everything he loved :lol: It's always hard to find out that someone you love has turned their heart-shaped-glasses in a new direction, even when it's a different kind of love. The thing is... if this is 'the man' then he will become a part of everything. For her, he is everything, and if you want her then you'll have to take him too. It took a lot for my family to figure that out... and dh's friends. Granted, them not being married puts everyone in the awkward situation of not knowing if it will 'last.' But, it's ultimately her life and she will share it with whomever she wishes to share it with. If you aren't comfortable commiting to him just yet (and letting your dc stay with them), then do what's right for you. It could be, though, that soon enough he'll be a committed member of the family and I think you should be careful not to damage that relationship before it starts (ultimatums - us or him! - will just get you into trouble). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Buckin' Longhorn Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 Maybe at that age people just cut to the chase and know what they are looking for and what they aren't looking for. :iagree: This has been my experience with widows/widowers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 I know, I know ... I just invited her to dinner for DS's birthday and she asked if she could bring her boyfriend. I said yes. I had a head-over-heels love experience as a teen and it ended horribly. I fell in love before I really knew the guy and then excused all sorts of things that should have sent me running because love made me blind. Not only are they not married, but they've been dating 6 weeks. I just don't think you can know anyone really well that soon. And yes, in my previous relationship I thought I knew all I needed to know, but I was oh so wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snickelfritz Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 I've typed a few messages and erased them. 1. She's not nuts. She's an adult in love. 2. It does feel weird. MIL was widowed for 4 years before meeting the guy she married last month. They moved in together after 2 months, dated a year, and it STILL feels weird. 3. 3 of the kids were ok with the wedding and, ultimately, thought it was good for HER. But, were still uncomfortable with the wedding and watching their celebratory kiss. 1 of them refused to go. She got married without his blessing and things are tense. All of that has to do with learning to accept her relationship, but doesn't touch the kids being alone around him issue. Totally separate issue, but I understand your concern. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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