If you've been married 15+ years....

[Mary in VA]

We've been married 23 years. My dh is my best friend. I love him AND I like him :001_smile: He is the kindest, smartest person I know and he can make me laugh. We "get" each other, which can be dangerous because sometimes we think we know something about what the other was thinking and we're wrong! He is also the most honest, ethical, hardworking, godly man I know. I would trust him with anything and know I can count on him. BUT he can also drive me CRAZY with habits and quirks that get on my nerves. When they do, I focus on all those wonderful things about him I just listed and figure the thing annoying me doesn't really matter. And then I think about all the things I must do that drive him crazy and how he overlooks them! He is MUCH better at overlooking my issues than vice-a-versa!

 

ETA: I looked back at the original question and see I didn't really address it directly. We're not crazy romantic anymore, although we can be on occasion. But I treasure the fact that we really understand, know and value each other. I love the times when we are out, like church, or a party and we're not together but one of us catches the other's eye and smiles. It seems like such a small thing, but it is acknowleging the connection between us. I feel totally "at home," loved and accepted by my dh. I can't imagine feeling that way with anyone else!

 

Mary

Edited June 18, 2011 by Mary in VA

[mrsrevmeg]

We have a really good marriage. Of course there are days where I would like to say "Hey, do you think they will let you come in and work overtime??" because he is getting on my nerves, but then I am sure there are days where he would like for me to disappear for a while. But the vast majority of the time we are inseparable. I have no idea what the last 17 of my life would have been like without him. We genuinely LIKE each other.

[yellowperch]

Like him. Love him. Miss him when he's gone (for a long time, not for a day or two). Smile when he walks into the room.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

learning something new together like a hobby - we are contemplating kayaking, is essential for me.

 

Do it! Do it! Do it! We took up kayaking together and just LOVE it!

[Mad Jenny Flint]

We will celebrate 19 years in March.

 

He is my best friend, and I am his. We are devoted to each other and our life together and our kids. I love him all the time but I definitely get irritated with him from time to time. If he gets irritated with me, he rarely shows it. Like someone else said, he is the only person in my life, ever, that has loved me the way he does. That is HUGE. Because sometimes I am a pill. :)

 

We have the same values and the same ideals. Those things haven't changed very much. But we have grown up together and matured in ways that I think make each of us more desirable to the other. We help each other to be better people.

 

We are physically affectionate and there is a lot of "I love you" floating around this house. We rarely ever argue, and I can't remember the last true verbal fight we have had. We just don't do that. We are better at listening to one another and accommodating each others' needs.

 

Love, love, love him.

[Amy loves Bud]

18 years and counting here. Bud and I are pretty happily married and there is very little I would change about our marriage. That said, on any given day he could make me feel anything from pulling out my hair to gaga in love.

 

When you share space, I think there is always a little driving eachother crazy going on, no matter how in love you are. :001_smile:

[Daisy]

We've been married 16+ years and are best friends. I just spent two weeks in Alabama without him and missed him LIKE CRAZY.

 

I suppose like any good friends, we occasionally annoy each other but I'd say those times are few and far between. I can't imagine going through this life without him by my side.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I noticed on a recent thread that there are quite a few married for 15 years or longer. This may be a weird question but I'm really curious. I think this is within board guidelines.

 

If you are married 15+ years and believe you have a good marriage I am curious--how do you think spouses in long term healthy marriages feel about or toward their spouse/marriage on an average day or a typical week? I'm asking specifically about the emotional or feelings component of longer term good marriages.

 

I feel comfortable with my dh, like putting on a favorite piece of clothing. I feel like I can rely on him in any situation. I miss him when he's gone. I feel like I don't see him as much as I wish I did (he works long hours).

 

I feel like he is a wise counselor who often sees things in ways I've missed.

 

I feel that we are able to encourage each other and also forgive each other.

 

I feel lucky to have him. I was very nearly widowed about ten years ago. Not something I dwell on, but I am aware of the fact that I don't really order my own days.

[Ginevra]

I noticed on a recent thread that there are quite a few married for 15 years or longer. This may be a weird question but I'm really curious. I think this is within board guidelines.

 

If you are married 15+ years and believe you have a good marriage I am curious--how do you think spouses in long term healthy marriages feel about or toward their spouse/marriage on an average day or a typical week? I'm asking specifically about the emotional or feelings component of longer term good marriages.

 

This is our 17th year and we have a good marriage.

 

I would say the majority of our feelings towards each other are happy comfort. I like him; he appears to like me. :D A couple times a month, I think he's a Greek God; usually there are tools and workboots involved in the equation. :lol:A couple times a month, I think he's a too-tired, apathetic, washed-up, has-been, but that's usually when it's 10:25pm and I'm still folding laundry, emptying clean dishes and paying bills, while he's conked out in front of "On The Record" and the dog is outside barking his head off. :tongue_smilie: We only get in a fierce fight about once every half-year, but we both have pretty long fuses, I think.

 

I do a couple of things that are specifically nurturing. We both spend coffee/news time together in the morning before he leaves for work. I think it's valuable. We also take a walk around the property sometimes, just chatting and giving the dog some exercise. It's a good opportunity to air things or talk about issues we have at home or in business (he is self-employed and I am his secretary).

[sparrow]

We celebrated our 17th anniversary last month. This past winter was the hardest in all our years together. We worked hard to get to the bottom of the issue and to find what was missing after facing very little adversity in all our previous years together.

 

We found that we had started taking our relationship for granted. It's easy to do when you're naturally attracted to each other and have always enjoyed each others company. We had gotten wrapped up in business things and kid things and dementia things (my mom) and financial things (his parents). We rededicated ourselves to our marriage. It worked. Neither of us ever want to be anywhere else....we just needed a reminder of why that it is ;).

 

We've always been physically affectionate with each other (a pat on the rump when passing in the kitchen is a given) and "I love you" is spoken several times a day. This was happening even during our rough patch.

 

A surprising thing that reconnected us was refinancing our house! We went from a 30 year to a 15 year mortgage. We see the light at the end of the tunnel and dream of the possibility of buying a second home in some exotic locale. We watch House Hunters International several nights a week and note the countries with reasonably priced property. It's been fun :D.

[Paintedlady]

You should've asked yesterday when he was at work all day instead of today when he's been at home. :glare:

 

We've been married 17, soon to be 18 years I'd say it depends on the year. There have been years I've adored him & years I haven't. I'm currently in a "haven't" year but dh is in the throes of a start up business and it's taken a toll on family life. I expect it to even out eventually and I can go back to adoring him again.

Edited June 16, 2011 by Paintedlady

[Paisley Hedgehog]

nm

[chiguirre]

We celebrated our 20th anniversary yesterday, but I'm not sure I have any words of wisdom to share. I think you need to genuinely like your spouse and know how to agree to disagree. As the years have gone by, we have fewer areas of disagreement and we don't fight much, except for some blow-ups over boneheaded moves we've both made sometimes. Of course those blow-ups prevent festering hard feelings, so they serve their purpose.

 

I don't think you can achieve this type of relationship unless you got along well when you weren't married. If you never really liked your spouse, I'm not sure it's possible to start to like them when you've got 20 years of gripes accumulated.

[StephanieZ]

In our case (16 years last week), I'd say these are some primary emotional components . .

 

++++ respect

+ appreciation

+ supportive/encourager

+ affection

+ admiration

+ minor irritations (chores, business hassles, etc.)

 

I think the foundation is mutual respect. I really do think that dh is the best man I've ever known, and that our kids and I are inexplicably blessed by him. He expresses appreciation and respect for me as well.

 

I think the emotional aspects that we both thrive on include:

 

+ support/encouragement (being "on the same team")

+ companionship

+ affection/approval

 

(I don't address the TEA room b/c that's just out of my comfort zone to take it out of the marriage.)

 

Primarily, dh & I are best friends (with benefits, lol). I think about him and relate to him much the same way I would to a dearest friend/family member, but with obvious added components, lol.

[mlbuchina]

Going to be seventeen years this Sept.

 

I love him awful. On my worst days I can't wait for him to come home so I can curl into him. We sleep with our legs tangled up every night. Just the smell of his skin calms me down.

 

But, along with that, like a PP said, I have my identity outside of him. I didn't have that in the first years of my marriage and things were MUCH harder because of my codependency.

 

Of course there are things about him that make me want to kill him, but at the end of the day, no matter how much he pisses me off, I want to be snuggling with him. And he would *easily* say there are things about me that piss him off. We're past the point of wanting to change eachother. :D

 

This. Except we will be celebrating our 15th in August this year... Gosh, where has the time gone? I know it was just the other day we got married, surely.:001_huh: :lol:

[sweetstitches]

We just celebrated our 25th anniversary. We are best friends. We talk to each other/ or im several times a day even when he is out of the country on travel. He will skip business dinners and stuff to come home to eat with us or do things with the kids. He never criticizes, even when he has good reason to (like the place is a disaster) and he encourages me in everything I do. I try to always do the same for him. We both serve each other all the time. (He'll run out and get stuff for me or jump up to get me a drink if I mention I'm getting one--stuff like that.) We're both silly; we laugh a lot, we love to cuddle. Seriously, there have been very few times in the past 25 years that we've been angry with each other, and never for very long. In this area of my life, I am truly blessed.

[sweetstitches]

This thread really makes me feel good because IRL I have so few friends who have a happy marriage. :(

[orangearrow]

We're nearing our 16th wedding anniversary, so we've been together almost 18 years.

 

I adore that man with every fiber of my being & am still teenager-in-love, dreamboaty over him. I miss him when we're apart and can't get enough time with him when he's home. (We do things apart from one another, and I enjoy those things, lol - but I always do have more fun when he's along with me...)

 

He is awesome and amazing and my best friend and it just gets better and better every day. I thought I was lucky *then* to have found my soul-mate, but I had no idea just HOW lucky I was! :D

 

We have no doubts that we're hitched for life and in this together, so whenever there are bumps in the road (and, of course, there have been and will be... no one together as often as we are would ever always get along perfectly... that would be sort of boring... ;), we roll with the punches - together.

 

Love. him. :001_wub: He's my hero.

Edited June 17, 2011 by orangearrow

[pdalley]

I don't think you can achieve this type of relationship unless you got along well when you weren't married. If you never really liked your spouse, I'm not sure it's possible to start to like them when you've got 20 years of gripes accumulated.

 

 

This. We were best friends for over a year before I woke up to what a great guy he was. No matter what we disagree on we are and always will be friends. I liked him before I fell in love with him. From the first he was comfortable to be around.

 

It took me a very long time to understand that and I think that's why none of my prior relationships worked. I thought I was in love but looking back I don't think I really liked them very much.

[justamouse]

This thread really makes me feel good because IRL I have so few friends who have a happy marriage. :(

 

I know. Makes me feel freakish sometimes. I can't name one IRL friend who has a great marriage (despite the reality of it). It's so sad.

[mamajudy]

Coming up on 25 years together.... He is my best friend... Some days are better then others but they are all better because we are together. His strengths help overcome my weaknesses and vice verse. I am blesses to have such a great husband. :)

 

This. We'll be celebrating 32 years in September.

[livingnlearning]

We're coming up on 15 in a month... we're irrevocable BFF's. We can be in the worst crabby stand off and if something happens we're all square instantly, he's the first one I call and I'm his. Same sense of humor, same goofy mindset about blending modern and throwback, nobody else "gets us" like we get each other. We're very dynamic people-I'm really high strung and "moody" and he's a clever slow boil to a high boil. I have days when I think the lawyer is on speed dial and I'm sure he does too-but then it all clicks again and we can't fathom lawyers. It's a relationship that won't get boring I don't think ever-we still surprise each other and find better things about each other. Just today I thought about all the great things he provides for us by working so hard-and it was sexy. :D

 

by and large, I'd say we were best friends with a thread of hot attraction woven through it. The BFF part and mutual respect/commitment has held us through the non-sexy young child/no money times...

[laughing lioness]

We like, respect and appreciate each other. We tell each other every day that we love each other and things we like/appreciate about each other. We serve each other. We keep each other accountable and sometimes that gets heated because we are both stubborn, educated and opinionated- winning combo - lol!!

Our shared faith plays a huge component in our marriage (26 years last week). There were times, when we were newly married, in grad school with kids where the only reason we stayed together was because of the commitment we made to do so before God.

Research shows that couples who are struggling, if they stay together will feel better about their marraige and each other in 5 years. There's a lot to be said for staying the course.

Marriage is a crucible. It's meant to refine the people involved. Sticking with it reaps great rewards.

[Retired]

21 years married next week and 3 years of dating

 

some years I wish I would of never meet him (Those are years where you stay because you really meant your vows)

 

years where we are room mates, parents, work a holics and just didn't put the relationship as priority ( Those years you seem like your just surviving)

 

years where we can't get enough of each other:D (The years where you finally get it right) You have experience every hardship and have been their for each other no matter what. You know you are always going to be together

 

He is just my rock that never changes (I mean never changes) and over the years that has drove me crazy but in my maturing years he is my security, stability and best friends. Oh and he spoils me rotten. ;) I know what it feels like to have unconditional love. I couldn't imagine loving anyone else.

 

:D

[Peela]

Together for 20 years.

Not an easy marriage, but our perspective has been to grow, to accept each other, to use our marriage to learn about ourselves and each other and to grow as people. He has been the more committed, me the more flighty. I keep things moving and fresh, unstuck, he keeps things more stable. We are very different and most would be surprised we are together- especially us. There is a lot of love, a lot of independence, much fighting over the years- but not pointless fighting. Fighting for what we believe in, what is right for us...fighting for the best. Fighting to move through difficult times and come out the other side. We are ok with that.

Lots of difficult times, sometimes for weeks. But overall, a rewarding marriage with plenty of happiness as well. Our day to day, and week to week atmosphere is generally "upbeat".

[lovemyboys]

We are coming up on 25 years and we know each other well. I've known him for 27 years. We have been through a lifetime together with all the usual bumps and bruises.

Thinking positively about the relationship and actively seeking things to improve it, i.e., making time for walks in the evening (looking forward to that during the day), learning something new together like a hobby - we are contemplating kayaking, is essential for me. Attending church together or participating in church programs, talking about what we like and don't like, agree/disagree with is important.

Our ds is gone now and we are actively working on making this next stage of life our best one yet.

As far as day-to-day emotion goes: Seeking connection and feeling connected to each other, making time for things he is interested in even if I am not because I know he does it for me.

Don't know if I answered your question.

 

Nicely said.

 

Yes, treat each other like you like each other. The ebb and flow of "romance" is part of the journey, but it's wonderful to be with someone who knows you as well as your spouse does and still surprises you, is your best friend, shares with you. You may hit a period of time when you ask, "wow, is this it? is this all there is?" and then you turn a corner and your heart flutters at the sight of him, or he does something really generous or he's just awesome with your kids, then you know what you've got together is good.

 

It's not always easy, but it's important. Kind of like when one of your kids is going through an unattractive patch (behaviorally), you try to look at him/her with eyes of love. You do the same for your spouse.

 

I probably haven't answered your Q either, but this is what has worked for us.

:001_smile:

[LibraryLover]

I am always struck by how gentle and thoughtful he is. I love how he is with the kids. He makes them laugh and always sees the best of them. When I've worried, he is the one to point out all of their goodness. :) He is also a worker dog. I can't believe what he can do in a day. Crazy. I also think he is supah-cute, and I like how he looks in shorts. lol I feel at peace with him, and he makes me laugh. (We've been married over 25 years.)

Edited June 17, 2011 by LibraryLover

[WTMindy]

It will be 20 years for us this July! I love our marriage. We are friends and comfortable with each other. I trust him completely and never doubt his comittment to me or our family. We are opposite personalities, so there are both strengths to that and difficulties. He makes me a better person and I make him a better person. We are both better parents because of each other and we both realize and appreciate this. This realization helps us when our differences annoy us (which, of course they do at times!) We always fight fair and don't say things we will regret later.

[sbgrace]

OP here--

This has been so helpful (and interesting) for me to read. Thanks for sharing your experience and wisdom.

Edited June 17, 2011 by sbgrace

[Sugarfoot]

We've been married 20 years. Honestly, the 2 emotions that I "live in" our thankfulness and commitment, if you can call those emotions.;) I try not to get caught up in how I feel "in the moment" too much. We have a wonderful life, and I focus on the big picture of a contented family and a strong stable marriage. "On the ground," that means not holding on to injustices or grudges, being positive and respectful of each other, and having a common vision for where we're going.:)

[TravelingChris]

26 years of marriage in September and 29 years of being together in September. We are best friends and like many others said, we are usually liking each other but other times, not so much. The last four years or so have been very hard for us with serious family issues with our children. All revolving around various illnesses but very disruptive to our family and closeness. What does over stress environment do= more snapping, less understanding. But I know it was the stress and the end is finally in sight. By September, we should be a much, much calmer family and all of our children should be in a much better situation. With my h's new job, I expect less stress too and that should be a true blessing. With stress, we all tend to focus on less important things. I am so looking forward to a quieter time.

[Heather in Neverland]

I am in my 15th year and while we have had some hard times there are a few things that are key to our marriage:

 

- we always assume positive intentions. Communication is a big issue in marriage and we don't always "get" what the other is saying so we just assume positive intentions until we figure it out.

 

- we speak well of each other to other people all the time

 

- we enjoy TeA a lot :D

 

- we have common goals so we always have plenty to talk about

 

- we have lots of inside jokes

 

- we eat lunch together almost every day... Just the two of us.

 

- we are equal partners

 

These types of things contribute to an all over feeling of happiness and contentment

[Lizzie in Ma]

I know that if he were gone, there would be an unpluggable hole in my heart, a piece of me would be missing, never to return and I would never be whole again.

When I think of my beloved, it isn't with passion per se though he is sexy as h*ll. It is a feeling of familiarity, comfort, support and a closeness that only comes from years together.

A security that comes from knowing we will always be US, no matter what we are going through.

[nd293]

I'm not sure if ours is a good marriage, but we're at 15.5yrs, and are definitely more stable than we were 7 or 8 years ago. We're not in the romantic phase of our relationship anymore. We're both pretty self-contained. We had difficult times early on, which I think changed the nature of our relationship. I wish I'd been more insistent about what I expected then. If I'd married at 34 instead of 24 I'd have been wiser! Instead, I simply resented and raged over the fact that he prioritised a hobby over family, and eventually withdrew emotionally from the relationship to some extent. Over time his priorities shifted towards family, but I think by then I had developed a degree of emotional independence which might not be completely healthy for the relationship. I see us as a good working partnership - we each know what we need to do to keep the family operating. Both of us grew up with divorce, and are above all committed to providing our children with a stable family upbringing.

[Beth in Mint Hill]

And Oh! what a ride it has been. We have come to a point now where we are best friends and feel deep love and affection for one another. The passionate love of our younger days has changed into something much deeper and wonderful.

 

This is after going through a very traumatic separation a few years ago, brought on by my husband's not dealing well with years of intense chronic pain. But God has miraculously brought us through that and healed our family. Along with healing my husband via a wonderful surgeon.

 

Praying for all the marriages out there! It is worth it to persevere.

[Jenny in Atl]

Together 28 years, married for 21. He's my other half, my soul-mate, whatever silly label one can use. We are best friends, lovers, team mates, etc.

 

We've been through so much... I can't see myself with anyone else.

[asta]

Some days you just try not to kill one another.

 

 

:auto:

 

 

a

 

 

 

 

 

(23 years - I think I'm allowed to say that now ;-) )

Edited June 17, 2011 by asta

[BlsdMama]

Day to day....mostly a general and happy state of appreciation for what we have, some moments of giddy adoration, some moments of wanting to stab him in the forehead with a fork....

 

 

:D :iagree:

 

And sometimes he feels that way about me. I don't really qualify as our 15th anniversary isn't until Wednesday, but we're definitely more suited for one another NOW than we have been in the last 15 years.

 

We've grown together - like two trees planted too close together - they intertwine and grow and there comes a point where you can tell there were two trees but now it just looks like one. We're in this together and for the long haul. Obviously, expecting our tenth baby this month along with our 15 years of marriage deepens that commitment an awful lot. We've been through a lot of happiness, some hard financial lessons, the death of one child, the celebration of 9, almost 10 births, his time in the Army, our time of being young and in college. Now is a very GOOD place to be. :) We still argue, and kiss, and wink at one another. We still can't wait for the kids to go to bed so we can have alone time.

 

I wouldn't trade him in for anyone else that's for sure. Mostly due to the kind of man he is, I just plain like and respect him. He's a GOOD man. He makes GOOD choices. He ALWAYS puts his kids before himself. He went to the grocery store the other night and got his bedrest bound wife all of her favorite things and made her dinner while she bakes the little one just one more week. Last week I was in the hospital for six days. He held down the fort beautifully. I love him. No doubt.

[ma23peas]

19 years....

 

I think the vows we took say a lot...

We both promised to love cherish and honor one another in sickness and health til death us do part...

There are times when we do not live up to that ideal and that is when we falter...but we have yet to reach a point where we disagree that it should be our ideal.

Seeing our children blossom in their walk of faith and growing into giving young adults helps to inspire us....we learned a long time ago...it is not about what we feel but what we give to one another..

[skueppers]

We've been married for 18 years, together for almost 23.

 

I feel positive about my husband every day. I look forward to spending time with him. We never fight.

 

We were together for many years before we had children, and made the commitment to raise kids together knowing it would mean we had a lot less energy for other things for a long time. I'm really glad the kids are getting older, and am looking forward to a time when we're spending less time managing our children's behavior!

 

I think it helps that a lot of the things we like to do together, like play board games and go to museums, are things we can do with our kids.

[Retired]

Some days you just try not to kill one another.

 

 

:auto:

 

 

a

 

 

 

 

 

(23 years - I think I'm allowed to say that now ;-) )

 

:lol::lol: yeah totally agree

[mamatohaleybug]

Been married 16 years. I honestly can't imagine being happier with my marriage. My husband is my best friend, my travel companion, my co-parent, my lover, my helper, my stand-up comic. He just gets me and loves me and accepts me, thorns and all. I feel the same way about him. I truly look forward to spending time with him. He brings out the good parts in me because he supports me and trusts me. It makes me feel that I have the freedom to just be me.

 

One big positive in our marriage is that we have a lot of similar interests, the same religious beliefs and similar political leanings. Our core beliefs about life are just so similar.

 

In general, I think a good marriage is one with two people committed to loving and helping each other through all of the ups and downs of life. Good communication skills (and the continued effort needed to work on those skills) is really important too.

 

We've definitely had a lot of big bumps in our journey but we are happy and committed.