End of the rope regarding teenage boy

[wendylee]

Update:

 

He stayed in the ER last night, they are keeping him for at least seven days in an inpatient care hold. They believe he is a serious danger to himself and others. They have on suicide watch, although I don't believe he's in danger of hurting himself, I would be more concerned about him hurting others.

 

We will be meeting with various doctors this week to talk about treatment options. We just went through and talked about all the different things he's pulled in the last few years and we're up to three pages, small print. :>)

 

The bottom line is we do not feel safe with him in our home. He is fully capable of violence, and I am seriously concerned that with how he's escalated his behaviors the last several months that the logical next step is physical violence. I have no doubt that would be the next thing he would attempt.

 

It's been the hardest thing I've ever done as a parent to admit that I can't "fix" my child. I kept thinking that if I just tried the right activity, the right way to talk to him, the right whatever, that it would unlock what was going on and help him to be a good person. We have poured ourselves into this child, done everything we possibly could have done, and nothing has worked. It's beyond us. We have two other children to think of, and they have to be kept safe, as do we.

 

I so appreciate all of you chiming in with help and advice and prayers and good thoughts. Y'all are good folks. :001_smile:

[unsinkable]

Update:

 

He stayed in the ER last night, they are keeping him for at least seven days in an inpatient care hold. They believe he is a serious danger to himself and others. They have on suicide watch, although I don't believe he's in danger of hurting himself, I would be more concerned about him hurting others.

 

We will be meeting with various doctors this week to talk about treatment options. We just went through and talked about all the different things he's pulled in the last few years and we're up to three pages, small print. :>)

 

The bottom line is we do not feel safe with him in our home. He is fully capable of violence, and I am seriously concerned that with how he's escalated his behaviors the last several months that the logical next step is physical violence. I have no doubt that would be the next thing he would attempt.

 

It's been the hardest thing I've ever done as a parent to admit that I can't "fix" my child. I kept thinking that if I just tried the right activity, the right way to talk to him, the right whatever, that it would unlock what was going on and help him to be a good person. We have poured ourselves into this child, done everything we possibly could have done, and nothing has worked. It's beyond us. We have two other children to think of, and they have to be kept safe, as do we.

 

I so appreciate all of you chiming in with help and advice and prayers and good thoughts. Y'all are good folks. :001_smile:

 

Oh, honey! :grouphug: :grouphug::grouphug:

 

I am sorry. I'll still be praying for all of you! :grouphug:

[kalanamak]

 

It's been the hardest thing I've ever done as a parent to admit that I can't "fix" my child.

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Many have said it was the hardest thing in their whole lives.

[LittleIzumi]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:. I'm really glad they kept him--it can be hard to get someone admitted. :grouphug:

[texasmama]

Update:

 

Thanks for all the prayers and hugs and advice. I really appreciate all of you.

 

He pulled some other stuff today, including threatening to kill someone and bust out windows in the church. I called our mental health emergency line and they told us to come in to the ER immediately. So that's where he's at right now. I will update after I know more.

 

:grouphug: He sounds like a kid who needs residential mental health treatment at a place where someone will be awake and monitoring him 24/7.

[Joanne]

More :grouphug:

 

Know that kids will challenges can come from the best parenting in the world. Yes, you might have to take a look at some family dynamics, but it seems like you are up against some mighty strong forces that might be biological in nature (addiction, other disorders).

 

Good for you for following through for him and the rest of your family.

[sassyscrapperinid]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Im so glad you got some help. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[TechWife]

1. Psychiatrist

 

2. Lots of things to keep him very, very busy

 

 

:iagree: Exactly what I was thinking.

[july19]

I offer no advice, just a lot of positive energy, good thoughts and tons of :grouphug:. Really do wish your family the best. Please keep all of us updated when you can.

[BeckyFL]

All I can advise is don't underestimate the situation in any way. You are right.... keep yourselves and your other kids safe and hopefully find some in-house professionals who can determine what's going on. If you don't mind, I'll be praying! :grouphug::grouphug:

[Cheryl in NM]

Update:

 

He stayed in the ER last night, they are keeping him for at least seven days in an inpatient care hold. They believe he is a serious danger to himself and others. They have on suicide watch, although I don't believe he's in danger of hurting himself, I would be more concerned about him hurting others.

 

We will be meeting with various doctors this week to talk about treatment options. We just went through and talked about all the different things he's pulled in the last few years and we're up to three pages, small print. :>)

 

The bottom line is we do not feel safe with him in our home. He is fully capable of violence, and I am seriously concerned that with how he's escalated his behaviors the last several months that the logical next step is physical violence. I have no doubt that would be the next thing he would attempt.

 

It's been the hardest thing I've ever done as a parent to admit that I can't "fix" my child. I kept thinking that if I just tried the right activity, the right way to talk to him, the right whatever, that it would unlock what was going on and help him to be a good person. We have poured ourselves into this child, done everything we possibly could have done, and nothing has worked. It's beyond us. We have two other children to think of, and they have to be kept safe, as do we.

 

I so appreciate all of you chiming in with help and advice and prayers and good thoughts. Y'all are good folks. :001_smile:

 

Thanks for the update! You've been on my mind.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: I'm so glad he is getting help and you and the rest of your family are getting a break from the battle.

 

I have another small, but important, piece of advice: keep informed and involved with his treatment as much as you can. If you don't understand something, ask. If something doesn't sound right to you, make sure you get the clarification you need for you to understand.

 

We're all pulling for your son and your family. Please keep us updated!

[I.Dup.]

So glad to read the recent update, this sounds like it's right where he needs to be. :grouphug:

[Peela]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

I am glad they took the situation seriously and you are getting the support you need.

I think in a healthy culture, parents wouldn't be having to deal with this stuff alone- the whole community would be helping one way or another.

I am glad you and your other kids can feel safe while your son gets help.

[JVA]

Wendylee-

 

Hope you can have some relief for the week. There is nothing wrong with you as parents....and don't let anyone (family, therapists, neighbors, or snooty know-it-alls) tell you different. You're all being prayed for. May you sense God's very real presence and know His peace. Hugs and blessings. :grouphug:

[Beth in OH]

:grouphug: You've just given another amazing gift of parenting to your son. You obtained professional help at the point you realized that his struggles were more than you could handle on your own. Good for you! Getting help for him would have become much, much harder (if not almost impossible) once he turned 18. This step took a lot of courage! Yay for you, and hugs to your entire family. Just keep walking it out.

[Teachin'Mine]

So glad to hear he's getting help and all of you are safe. :grouphug:

[wendylee]

Update: there are no beds at the hospital, but a bed opened up at long term residential care at a very good treatment facility. So we're signing paperwork tonight and he's being moved there tomorrow morning.

 

I've been crying off and on all day, I know this is the right thing to do but dear God is it hard.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Update: there are no beds at the hospital, but a bed opened up at long term residential care at a very good treatment facility. So we're signing paperwork tonight and he's being moved there tomorrow morning.

 

I've been crying off and on all day, I know this is the right thing to do but dear God is it hard.

 

:grouphug: You are not the only one who has walked this road. Praying for you and your family. :grouphug:

[kalanamak]

 

I've been crying off and on all day, I know this is the right thing to do but dear God is it hard.

 

:grouphug: I recall, many years ago, a frightened woman in a ER, with AIDS, facing a lumbar puncture. She had led a life of dissolution, and now was skinny and sick and had a fever. She was very afraid and asked I call her mother. A mother she probably hadn't lived with in 20 years, but who she had complete faith would come. She came at 6 a.m. all done up in her Sunday best (as it was Sunday) and ready to go to church after the visit. She had one of those huge pastel hats with mesh in front, that matched her outfit. Down south, where she was from, she would have been the pride of Sunday service, but here in the Bronx she looked like something out of a movie.

 

She held her daughter's hand, the test was done, and she went on her way. Way back when, when I wasn't a mother and had absolutely no intention of being one, what I saw was part of my opposition to motherhood. I could not allow another person to be so crucial to me that 35 years after giving birth, I would answer a phone in the wee hours, and dress and make my way to a place of such sorrow because my tie to them was stronger than anything else in the world, more than I'd felt for anything. But it is that fierce attachment that allows us terribly frail humans to survive. Without parental love we are nearly lost. A child is but a visitor in the house, but can not be just a visitor in our hearts. :grouphug:

[Jamee]

Been thinking of you the past couple of days. :grouphug: I can't imagine, but am glad you're all getting the help you need. As a PP said, hopefully you can get some rest this week and work on the healing process.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[YLVD]

Update: there are no beds at the hospital, but a bed opened up at long term residential care at a very good treatment facility. So we're signing paperwork tonight and he's being moved there tomorrow morning.

 

I've been crying off and on all day, I know this is the right thing to do but dear God is it hard.

 

:grouphug: You sound like an amazing mom. This is the very best thing for him, and your family.

 

I suffer from mental illness myself, Bipolar II. I really really wish that someone had caught the signs earlier. I'm not saying that he is Bipolar, but his behavior is indicative of some mental health issues, IMO.

 

I agree with the person that said to stay very involved. Good luck!

[Hedgehog]

:grouphug: praying for you and your family, Wendy.

[Catherine]

Beautiful words, Kay. Thanks.

[texasmama]

Update: there are no beds at the hospital, but a bed opened up at long term residential care at a very good treatment facility. So we're signing paperwork tonight and he's being moved there tomorrow morning.

 

I've been crying off and on all day, I know this is the right thing to do but dear God is it hard.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I think you will look back on this and know that it was not only the right decision but the only real option you had. In the meantime, lots of hugs and prayers to you and your family.:grouphug:

[texasmama]

:grouphug: I recall, many years ago, a frightened woman in a ER, with AIDS, facing a lumbar puncture. She had led a life of dissolution, and now was skinny and sick and had a fever. She was very afraid and asked I call her mother. A mother she probably hadn't lived with in 20 years, but who she had complete faith would come. She came at 6 a.m. all done up in her Sunday best (as it was Sunday) and ready to go to church after the visit. She had one of those huge pastel hats with mesh in front, that matched her outfit. Down south, where she was from, she would have been the pride of Sunday service, but here in the Bronx she looked like something out of a movie.

 

She held her daughter's hand, the test was done, and she went on her way. Way back when, when I wasn't a mother and had absolutely no intention of being one, what I saw was part of my opposition to motherhood. I could not allow another person to be so crucial to me that 35 years after giving birth, I would answer a phone in the wee hours, and dress and make my way to a place of such sorrow because my tie to them was stronger than anything else in the world, more than I'd felt for anything. But it is that fierce attachment that allows us terribly frail humans to survive. Without parental love we are nearly lost. A child is but a visitor in the house, but can not be just a visitor in our hearts. :grouphug:

 

Love this. I think you should write a book. I would SO read it.

[LittleIzumi]

Update: there are no beds at the hospital, but a bed opened up at long term residential care at a very good treatment facility. So we're signing paperwork tonight and he's being moved there tomorrow morning.

 

I've been crying off and on all day, I know this is the right thing to do but dear God is it hard.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[RoughCollie]

Update: there are no beds at the hospital, but a bed opened up at long term residential care at a very good treatment facility. So we're signing paperwork tonight and he's being moved there tomorrow morning.

 

I've been crying off and on all day, I know this is the right thing to do but dear God is it hard.

 

:grouphug: It is hard. :grouphug:

 

Last month, one of my sons spent 11 days in an adolescent psych ward. The only bed available was at a hospital that was a 2 hour drive from home. We visited him every day.

 

I am not in your specific situation, and I don't know what the advice is you have been given, or how far away the treatment facility is or what its rules are, so I am saying this with that in mind.

 

We visited our son daily (DH and I took turns for 9 days, bringing one or two siblings with us, and the whole family went for 2 days). The round trip took 6-7 hours. We also called him three times a day during the hours the hospital said we could. This turned out to be Very Important to our son. He needed special clothes (no zippers, strings, hoodies, t-shirts with writing on them), so we bought them and took them to him.

 

I was very sad to discover that we were not the norm. None of the kids in there with DS received visitors or phone calls while we were there, and all of them were upset about it. The nurses and therapists verified to me that this was true and it was the situation 90% of the time.

 

Frankly, I was surprised that DS wanted to see us, especially so badly. If he had refused to see us, we would have been there anyway, for his sake, so he would know we loved him enough to make the trip.

Edited June 7, 2011 by RoughCollie

[sassyscrapperinid]

Update: there are no beds at the hospital, but a bed opened up at long term residential care at a very good treatment facility. So we're signing paperwork tonight and he's being moved there tomorrow morning.

 

I've been crying off and on all day, I know this is the right thing to do but dear God is it hard.

 

Thanks for the update Wendylee. It has to be the hardest thing but I agree with a PP that said you have done the best parenting thing you can for him and that is recognizing when you needed help in helping him. :grouphug: You're a great mom! Dont forget it!! And absolutely dont let anyone tell you any different! :grouphug:

[Scarlett]

Update:

 

He stayed in the ER last night, they are keeping him for at least seven days in an inpatient care hold. They believe he is a serious danger to himself and others. They have on suicide watch, although I don't believe he's in danger of hurting himself, I would be more concerned about him hurting others.

 

We will be meeting with various doctors this week to talk about treatment options. We just went through and talked about all the different things he's pulled in the last few years and we're up to three pages, small print. :>)

 

The bottom line is we do not feel safe with him in our home. He is fully capable of violence, and I am seriously concerned that with how he's escalated his behaviors the last several months that the logical next step is physical violence. I have no doubt that would be the next thing he would attempt.

 

It's been the hardest thing I've ever done as a parent to admit that I can't "fix" my child. I kept thinking that if I just tried the right activity, the right way to talk to him, the right whatever, that it would unlock what was going on and help him to be a good person. We have poured ourselves into this child, done everything we possibly could have done, and nothing has worked. It's beyond us. We have two other children to think of, and they have to be kept safe, as do we.

 

I so appreciate all of you chiming in with help and advice and prayers and good thoughts. Y'all are good folks. :001_smile:

 

:grouphug:

[herbalgirl]

Praying for you, your son, and your whole family. :grouphug::grouphug:

[kalanamak]

 

I was very sad to discover that we were not the norm. None of the kids in there with DS received visitors or phone calls while we were there, and all of them were upset about it. The nurses and therapists verified to me that this was true and it was the situation 90% of the time.

 

 

:iagree:

 

Families are angry, families are hurt, families are ashamed or don't know what to do or say.

 

There is a saying in medicine: don't just do something, stand there.

[Scarlett]

:iagree:

 

Families are angry, families are hurt, families are ashamed or don't know what to do or say.

 

There is a saying in medicine: don't just do something, stand there.

 

I see this mistake made all the time....people don't know what to do so they retreat.

 

Plus I imagine with troubled kids the family is plain ol' exhausted and need some brain rest....but a kid NEEDS their family. So impressed with Rough Collie.

[Danestress]

After so much pain, anger, trouble, guilt, accusation, regret, I imagine some families with children in care believe that they (the parents) are part of the problem and that the child will do better without them there. I'm not saying this is true, but family problems can really chip at the esteem, and especially when there has been a lot of ugliness, it doesn't surprise me that some parents do not believe their children will want to see them or will benefit from their presence.

[Teachin'Mine]

Rough Collie what a beautiful gift you gave your son. :) And that message of love and care was also seen and felt by your other children - they know your love is unconditional. Glad to hear he's back home. :grouphug:

[RoughCollie]

:iagree:

 

Families are angry, families are hurt, families are ashamed or don't know what to do or say.

 

Yes they are, I understand that. Plus, unless we are a family member, we have no idea what really went on in their home regarding the adolescent who is an inpatient.

 

It takes time to get to the point at which the family realizes that it is the mental illness saying and doing terrible things, not their beloved family member. It is a big shift in perception, I think.

 

I was very surprised, that those visits and phone calls were so important to my son. That's the only reason I posted what I did.

[KatieJ]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Update: there are no beds at the hospital, but a bed opened up at long term residential care at a very good treatment facility. So we're signing paperwork tonight and he's being moved there tomorrow morning.

 

I've been crying off and on all day, I know this is the right thing to do but dear God is it hard.

 

 

As a parent of a teen age son who gave us all kinds of grief, I applaud you for hanging in there and seeking help. Our son was in no way dangerous to any of us, just an angry teen. I remember all the tears and sleepless nights.

 

He is now married and working his way thru college. He is a long way from the man I know he will be, but he is making it work one day at a time.

 

Will be thinking of you. Update us when you can. In the mean time, we are all pulling for you and your family.

[AuntieM]

...I kept thinking that if I just tried the right activity, the right way to talk to him, the right whatever, that it would unlock what was going on and help him to be a good person...

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Wendylee, what a difficult thing you are experiencing!

 

I would gently suggest that you make an agreement with yourself to not heap up guilt. You are doing the right thing NOW! It's hard and will take your continued strength. Please do not take on an additional burden of guilt, that will just weigh you down and slow you down.

 

Oh, you need lots more of these :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:!

[unsinkable]

RoughCollie,

 

:grouphug: I hope your son is doing better now. I know you all have been thru so much in the past several months.

 

Sending you good thoughts!

[Sugarfoot]

Still praying.:grouphug:

[justamouse]

It's been the hardest thing I've ever done as a parent to admit that I can't "fix" my child. I kept thinking that if I just tried the right activity, the right way to talk to him, the right whatever, that it would unlock what was going on and help him to be a good person. We have poured ourselves into this child, done everything we possibly could have done, and nothing has worked. It's beyond us. We have two other children to think of, and they have to be kept safe, as do we.

 

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Cheryl in NM]

Update: there are no beds at the hospital, but a bed opened up at long term residential care at a very good treatment facility. So we're signing paperwork tonight and he's being moved there tomorrow morning.

 

I've been crying off and on all day, I know this is the right thing to do but dear God is it hard.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I know it is unimaginably hard for you to imagine what your son is going through and knowing you can't be with him. Keep informed with what is going on, but remember that you need healing as well. Your marriage probably needs some healing as well. Mine certainly did.

[Tarreymere]

I know that there is a whole lot of ignorance out there, but the truth is that there are a number of serious mental health disorders that are caused by biological imbalances and not by what you did or did not do as a parent. Never think for a minute that you could have cured this by taking him to more activities or different activities or if you had been more forgiving or kept him busier, or any other well-meant suggestions that might possibly work with mentally normal children but just plain do not work with children who have a mental illness. It would be just as ridiculous to suggest that your parenting made your son diabetic or that you could cure diabetes with activities. In the past, people even strongly believed that autism was caused by poor parenting.

Adolescence is a time when some of these mental health disorders become apparent. You did what you needed to do and got your son the help he needs. You observed that there was a problem, you looked for solutions, and you got your son help. You did the right thing. You are a good parent.

[iona]

:grouphug:

[wendylee]

I know that there is a whole lot of ignorance out there, but the truth is that there are a number of serious mental health disorders that are caused by biological imbalances and not by what you did or did not do as a parent. Never think for a minute that you could have cured this by taking him to more activities or different activities or if you had been more forgiving or kept him busier, or any other well-meant suggestions that might possibly work with mentally normal children but just plain do not work with children who have a mental illness. It would be just as ridiculous to suggest that your parenting made your son diabetic or that you could cure diabetes with activities. In the past, people even strongly believed that autism was caused by poor parenting.

Adolescence is a time when some of these mental health disorders become apparent. You did what you needed to do and got your son the help he needs. You observed that there was a problem, you looked for solutions, and you got your son help. You did the right thing. You are a good parent.

 

You just made me cry. Thank you. :001_smile:

[wendylee]

Another update:

 

He's been transferred. We will meet with the team next week; he's under observation right now. Our insurance doesn't cover this until he's been there for six days so that's another burden we get to carry. At least this week we get a break from him. We're trying to take it minute by minute and I'm clinging like crazy to Phil. 4:6-7.

[texasmama]

I know that there is a whole lot of ignorance out there, but the truth is that there are a number of serious mental health disorders that are caused by biological imbalances and not by what you did or did not do as a parent. Never think for a minute that you could have cured this by taking him to more activities or different activities or if you had been more forgiving or kept him busier, or any other well-meant suggestions that might possibly work with mentally normal children but just plain do not work with children who have a mental illness. It would be just as ridiculous to suggest that your parenting made your son diabetic or that you could cure diabetes with activities. In the past, people even strongly believed that autism was caused by poor parenting.

Adolescence is a time when some of these mental health disorders become apparent. You did what you needed to do and got your son the help he needs. You observed that there was a problem, you looked for solutions, and you got your son help. You did the right thing. You are a good parent.

 

I couldn't agree more with this. :grouphug: to the OP.

[Scarlett]

Another update:

 

He's been transferred. We will meet with the team next week; he's under observation right now. Our insurance doesn't cover this until he's been there for six days so that's another burden we get to carry. At least this week we get a break from him. We're trying to take it minute by minute and I'm clinging like crazy to Phil. 4:6-7.

 

My very favorite scripture.

 

:grouphug:

[Patches]

I'm thankful he is where he is and praying for help for him.

God is your help in trouble! Keep praying. I'm praying too.

[Teachin'Mine]

Another update:

 

He's been transferred. We will meet with the team next week; he's under observation right now. Our insurance doesn't cover this until he's been there for six days so that's another burden we get to carry. At least this week we get a break from him. We're trying to take it minute by minute and I'm clinging like crazy to Phil. 4:6-7.

 

:grouphug: Continuing to pray for you and your family.

[MamaT]

:grouphug::grouphug: Just wanted you to know I'm praying for your family.