what would you do?

[rookie]

A close friend is mad at me.

 

I have no idea why.

 

I asked and asked, she told me that I had been insensitive in an email. I apologized and explained that what I meant and what she heard were totally different but I would try to be more careful when communicating by email in the future.

 

She kept being mad.

 

Now she is not talking to me.

 

I did not actually do anything wrong, I just communicated something we both agree on too "boardroom - like" for her communication style. Again, I apologized.

 

She was not direct with me when she felt hurt - I had to ask and ask - and was very sharp in her manner when she finally told me what I had "done wrong."

 

I can honestly say that I have been very dedicated, loving, and attentive in this relationship and am completely floored by her actions.

 

I do not want to call and try to "fix" it again as I already tried that, apologized for the mistake, and feel that she is not treating me like a friend. But I still cannot wrap my mind around this and wish she would call and be straight with me so that we can work it out.

 

What would you do?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would be sad but I would leave her alone. She will either work this through on her own and will come around, or she'll choose to hold onto this. :grouphug: I'm really sorry.

[WishboneDawn]

I think you've done what you can. Either it's something else in her life that's affecting her or she's unwilling to share the real reason why she's angry. Either way, you're getting nowhere.

 

I've had friend drama lately as well. Honestly, I'm thinking I'm better off with just one close friend, my husband, and everyone else can occupy the good friend orbit where we can have fun but I don't have to negotiate landmines. :glare:

[~Amanda~]

I would be sad but I would leave her alone. She will either work this through on her own and will come around, or she'll choose to hold onto this. :grouphug: I'm really sorry.

 

:iagree:

 

I've had somtehing similar happen to me; someone took offense to a link I posted on FB, thought it was "directed at her" and totally went off on me. I didn't understand at first what she was so upset about, but I did apologize and tell her it was not intended towards her at all. (it wasn't even an offensive post) she unfriended me and told me "she needed time because she was hurt". at this point, I'm so hurt that she would think I meant anything offensive towards her at all, and she was so hurt by it that she deleted me, I don't know that I want anyone like that in my life. I'm sad to have lost her, and still slightly confused, but you can't control what others do.

[Momma H]

I don't mean to sound insensetive but in both of the above cases I would be hurt and sad but consider those women "red flags". If they come around and talk some sense, great. If not, great. Either way I am ok because if they are going to treat me that way, it would probably just get worse down the line. Who needs that? If you really did not do anything wrong and they will not accept that then, that is thier deal. Just my .02.

[rookie]

Thank you for all of the replies.

 

I will tell you exactly what happened and you tell me where I went wrong....

 

We have two opposite gender teens. Growing up, we have always stayed in each other's home during trips and allowed t he dc to hang out without much supervision. Well, they have grown fond of each other. I said that we would have to stop staying in the same house together and leaving them unsupervised together in order to avoid any "problems." That's all. She says that she agrees with the decision but does not like that I was so "insensitive" in the way I said it.

:confused:

 

She only told me after I asked several times why she was talking to me as if she was mad at me. I did apologize.

 

She is still mad.

[Paige]

I would shake the dust off my feet and move on. If she wanted to apologize for overreacting, I would remain friends, but I would remember and it would take a lot of time before I'd trust her not to be a nutcase.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Thank you for all of the replies.

 

I will tell you exactly what happened and you tell me where I went wrong....

 

We have two opposite gender teens. Growing up, we have always stayed in each other's home during trips and allowed t he dc to hang out without much supervision. Well, they have grown fond of each other. I said that we would have to stop staying in the same house together and leaving them unsupervised together in order to avoid any "problems." That's all. She says that she agrees with the decision but does not like that I was so "insensitive" in the way I said it.

:confused:

 

She only told me after I asked several times why she was talking to me as if she was mad at me. I did apologize.

 

She is still mad.

 

It sounds like there is some issue that you're unaware of - some baggage from her youth, a reluctance to see her child grow up, a feeling that you're blaming her child for even potential problems. . . You didn't do or say anything wrong.

[MariannNOVA]

Thank you for all of the replies.

 

I will tell you exactly what happened and you tell me where I went wrong....

 

We have two opposite gender teens. Growing up, we have always stayed in each other's home during trips and allowed t he dc to hang out without much supervision. Well, they have grown fond of each other. I said that we would have to stop staying in the same house together and leaving them unsupervised together in order to avoid any "problems." That's all. She says that she agrees with the decision but does not like that I was so "insensitive" in the way I said it.

:confused:

 

She only told me after I asked several times why she was talking to me as if she was mad at me. I did apologize.

 

She is still mad.

 

 

I don't see anything insensitive in what you said - your words seem perfectly appropriate. As someone else here said, I would shake the dust off, and move on.

 

As an aside, years ago I know two families who had teenagers who were opposite gender. The families were friends and the kids became 'fond' of each other. Both families decided to change nothing about the way they had previously handled vacations, etc. Long story short - the young boy was accused of rape, there was a trial, he went to prison. He was the pride and joy of his family, he had a bright future, it was a tragedy. Neither of the moms, before this happened, had ever struck me as being particularly bright, which doesn't matter EXCEPT that we are to be wise as serpents, gentle as doves, and neither of those moms was either.

 

I think you did the right thing.

[TXBeth]

The problem is, she can't really "shake the dust off" and move on if their kids are dating.

 

I don't have any brilliant advice; I would just say to wait it out and see if she gets over it. :grouphug: Sorry, it's hard to lose friends.

[love2read]

She is still mad.

She's mad about something else and using this as an excuse. Either you did something else to tick her off and she's too embarrased to mention it, or she's jealous of your relationship with your husband, or how well one of your kids is doing, etc. It's something else, really it is.

[Alphabetika]

I would be sad but I would leave her alone. She will either work this through on her own and will come around, or she'll choose to hold onto this. :grouphug: I'm really sorry.

 

:iagree:

[Pretty in Pink]

She's mad about something else and using this as an excuse. Either you did something else to tick her off and she's too embarrased to mention it, or she's jealous of your relationship with your husband, or how well one of your kids is doing, etc. It's something else, really it is.

 

I hate to say it but this was my first thought as well. I went through something similar with someone that I considered a very close friend a few years ago. She got very upset with me and claimed that it was over one thing when she was really distancing herself for another reason entirely. She never did come around and our friendship was lost.

 

Regardless, you've done what you can. Let it go. She will either come around or she won't. Sometimes friendships just run their course. :grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

A similar scenario happened with me, with someone I considered one of my dearest friends.

 

There's nothing you can do. I'm sorry. She is choosing to hold onto unforgiveness and placing an unfair emotional burden on this.

 

In the case of my friend, it happened twice. The first time was over something a guest in my home said--my friend was angry with ME about something someone else said. :001_huh: I had even acknowledged the wrong in what the other person said and apologized for the discomfort caused to my friend, but it wasn't good enough. My so-called friend remained angry with me for 8 or 9 months.

 

We worked it through slowly, laboriously. We became dear friends again.

 

Several years later, my friend grew angry with me, again, for things that I had not done. At all. She spent more than a year sending me vicious hate mail--it was truly horrible. I ended up feeling completely stupid for ever trusting her after the first incident. It still hurts.

 

What I learned--someone who makes a mountain out of a molehill and who harbors that kind of bitterness in her heart will do so again.

 

If this is someone you truly care about, there is only one, last-ditch thing to try. Tell her, honestly, that you have tried to make it right with her but she seems to be holding on to some negative feelings. Ask her to settle this with you once and for all. She'll either do so or not--if she does not respond appropriately, then quietly walk away (inside your heart). There's no point in staying engaged on this if she doesn't truly want to reconcile.

 

:grouphug:

[Sue G in PA]

:grouphug: Passive aggressive people are no fun. It's so tough to deal with people like that. I had a good friend, my doula for 3 of my births, just go AWOL on me after the birth of my 5th child (whose birth she was supposed to attend but never got our phone call :001_huh:). Anyway, we lost touch after that and I find out from my midwife that my "friend" was angry with me for something I said or did to her. :confused: I honestly have no clue what it was. She recently found me on FB and "friended" me. I accepted and wrote her a note asking what it was that I did way back when...so that I could apologize and we could move on. She then "de-friended" me. :confused: So I wrote another note saying basically, what the? You friend me and then next day de-friend me? She friended me again. Crazy. I'm sorry your friend is letting this get between you.

[pdalley]

I actually had someone de-friend me on facebook because I defended their right to have an opinion. :confused:

 

It sounds like she just wants to be mad. Let her be. You didn't do anything wrong and have apologized for any misunderstanding.

[Mimm]

I don't repeatedly apologize for something, especially a misunderstanding where I genuinely meant no harm. Perhaps this is ungracious of me, but I have little patience for people who are unforgiving in this area. Of course, I may be sensitive because I once had a friend who would constantly take offense at things I said, when absolutely no offense was intended and then stay mad at me after I sincerely apologized. We are no longer friends. In that situation it felt emotionally manipulative, as if he needed me to "pay" for my mistake more and it simply wasn't enough to be sorry about it. If this is the first time she's reacted this way, you might give her a little space and then ask to see her in person and if she is still upset, try to see if anything else is bothering her. Because getting this bent out of shape about sounding too business-like in an email seems really petty to me... But I can be an abrupt person in texts and emails sometimes. :)

[blakereese]

She's mad about something else and using this as an excuse. Either you did something else to tick her off and she's too embarrased to mention it, or she's jealous of your relationship with your husband, or how well one of your kids is doing, etc. It's something else, really it is.

 

I agree with this. All of the times that there has been a "situation" with a good friend, it has come down to this. It is usually something that the friend was insecure about or some sort of unhappiness they had...and they had to take it out on me. I am pretty laid back and easy going, so I have always been an easy target for this kind of stuff. As my DH always says, I am too nice. :glare:

 

Let her have some time and she can make the next move. And if your kids are dating...well, I guess that could be awkward. Have your child watch their steps...

[Samiam]

I've been in a similiar situation, but I was the "friend". I didn't handle it exactly like your friend did, nor did my friend handle it like you did.....but the point is, that I really didn't want to talk to her or be around her.

 

Why? Because what she said/how she said it.......this was not the first time she had done that. This was her "norm". I would overlook it many times, because I liked many other things about her, and frankly, don't have time for drama. But I don't think she realizes how bossy/direct/almost rude she can be. I am not the type to tell her.

 

But there was came a point where, I was just so frustrated with what she said, I really had nothing to say to her at that point.

 

We are still "friends" but our relationship is much cooler now. We don't see each other near as often, nor do I make a point of trying to get together with her.

[Little Nyssa]

A thought-- I would let her stew for a while, like a month or two, and then try to approach her.

Another thought, I'm just kind of wondering what kind of MIL she would be for your kid. Maybe not so nice.

[OLG]

I agree that this could be rooted in something entirely different yet maybe it could be her 'interpretation' of watching these teens going forward so that nothing happens. She might think that you wouldn't approve of the two of them being together or some perceived slight towards her teen. All a guess! Kudos to you for observing the potential with the kids though and being proactive. Maybe just give it some time to settle down and extend one last olive branch.

[rookie]

Thank you for all of the helpful replies!

 

Just wanted to let you know that the teens are young and we live in separate states.... they have spent a lot of time together because we have traveled to see each other and they email/write to each other. It is not dating but they have gone beyond just being friends.

 

My friend and her family just spent 10 days in my home. We had a great time. At no time did I sense any problem. I made every effort to show them a great time.

 

My mom's intuition about possible feelings between the two dc was on alert this trip and it ended up being right. Nothing serious happened but they do like each other and are interested in each other. That is why when my friend emailed me saying that she thought her ds and my dd were interested in each other I thought it important to say that we really had to stop staying in each others' homes and leaving them alone as we have in the past.

 

I love both of these kids. They are great. Just young and I know - from personal experience - that you do not leave hormonally driven teens who like each other alone! That's all.

 

I cannot believe this is happening. I suppose you are all right that there must be something else. I just wish I knew what it was so that I could address it!

 

I think that I will follow the advice to go ahead and feel sad but give her time and space. I never, ever imagined this would happen between us. :sad:

[kalanamak]

 

My mom's intuition about possible feelings between the two dc was on alert this trip and it ended up being right. Nothing serious happened but they do like each other and are interested in each other. That is why when my friend emailed me saying that she thought her ds and my dd were interested in each other I thought it important to say that we really had to stop staying in each others' homes and leaving them alone as we have in the past.

 

 

She is either hurt that you don't trust her son, or hurt that you'd put this ahead of her friendship with you, or both.

 

Picking on the method is just a coward's ploy IME. Even if she "gets over it", I would always expect her to be cowardly the next time rough seas hit, and this would limit how much I thought of her as a "friend". Unless you guys are both rather young. If you are younger than 32, say, she might still grow.

 

:grouphug:

[rookie]

She is either hurt that you don't trust her son, or hurt that you'd put this ahead of her friendship with you, or both.

 

Picking on the method is just a coward's ploy IME. Even if she "gets over it", I would always expect her to be cowardly the next time rough seas hit, and this would limit how much I thought of her as a "friend". Unless you guys are both rather young. If you are younger than 32, say, she might still grow.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

 

I WISH! :001_smile:

[Peela]

I guess I can understand her hurt. I might be hurt too, if I had a friend whose family stayed and i stayed with them over teh lifetime of our kids growing up, and then when the kids got to a certain stage she said she didnt think it was good for us to stay together because...essentially, she didnt trust my son with her daughter. But I have a different value system to many Christians here and my teens spend plenty of time with opposite sex teens, away from adults.

 

However- maybe she doesn't think YOU are a good friend if you would let that get between you both.

 

Nevertheless she is not responding with care and responsibility or acceptance of your value system. As others have said, I would give her space and time.

 

I also have been through some friend stuff lately and its hard- I also wonder why on earth this person has reacted the way he has to what I said. But I also feel....its time to move on from that friendship because he obviously cant handle me being myself. I stepped over a boundary we had, where I said my mind when he publically attacked my dh, with whom he has a long term rocky friendship. If he cant handle me speaking my truth, better he stay his distance anyway until he can. I am tired of handling his oversensitivities with kid gloves.

 

Its important that you can be yourself in any friendship. Sometimes I think life moves us on because we outgrow who we were in that friendship and the friendship can't handle the new parameters.

[rookie]

I guess I can understand her hurt. I might be hurt too, if I had a friend whose family stayed and i stayed with them over teh lifetime of our kids growing up, and then when the kids got to a certain stage she said she didnt think it was good for us to stay together because...essentially, she didnt trust my son with her daughter. But I have a different value system to many Christians here and my teens spend plenty of time with opposite sex teens, away from adults.

 

However- maybe she doesn't think YOU are a good friend if you would let that get between you both.

 

Nevertheless she is not responding with care and responsibility or acceptance of your value system. As others have said, I would give her space and time.

 

I also have been through some friend stuff lately and its hard- I also wonder why on earth this person has reacted the way he has to what I said. But I also feel....its time to move on from that friendship because he obviously cant handle me being myself. I stepped over a boundary we had, where I said my mind when he publically attacked my dh, with whom he has a long term rocky friendship. If he cant handle me speaking my truth, better he stay his distance anyway until he can. I am tired of handling his oversensitivities with kid gloves.

 

Its important that you can be yourself in any friendship. Sometimes I think life moves us on because we outgrow who we were in that friendship and the friendship can't handle the new parameters.

 

 

 

I never said that or implied it.

 

My friend has always been anxious that her son NOT become romantically involved before he is 25! She has told me time and again that he is not allowed to have any intimacy, at all, until he is in his twenties. She found out that he liked my dd because she read his private emails. She informed me.

 

THEN, I stated that I loved them both and understood that they would be attracted to each other. That since they had feelings for each other we really could not be on the one hand telling them to wait and on the other throwing them together into close quarters.

 

I wish everything could stay as it was but that is not reality. If they are attracted to each other, is it wise to be having sleep-overs?

 

So, I was basically supporting what she says she wants for her ds.

 

 

Regarding the rest of your post about friendship - it is good for me to think about this. Thank you for sharing.

Edited May 27, 2011 by rookie

[Ellie]

:grouphug:

 

This happened to me many years ago, before e-mail. I'm still not quite sure what I said which upset my friend so much. :confused: I groveled and groveled and she never, ever relented. I finally had to let it go. We never made up. :crying: OTOH, she and another hser did some things that totally messed up the homeschooling community where we lived, and I have always suspected that was part of the situation, but still...

 

Anyway, I think you have to let it go and move on. In case other people IRL know anything about you and her or whatever, you'll have to be very careful not to say a word about the situation. Ever.

 

:grouphug:

[kalanamak]

I

 

My friend has always been anxious that her son NOT become romantically involved before he is 25! She has told me time and again that he is not allowed to have any intimacy, at all, until he is in his twenties. She found out that he liked my dd because she read his private emails. She informed me.

 

 

 

EEEEK! I see red flags! And a boy rebelling with such overmothering. I mean, one can wish, but to let on to other people? I'd have been a mortified teen if my mother had voiced these opinions to me or anyone else. Ugh.

[Guest Davidmoore]

A thought-- I would let her stew for a while, like a month or two, and then try to approach her.

Another thought, I'm just kind of wondering what kind of MIL she would be for your kid. Maybe not so nice.

 

Totally agree.

[Grateful for Grace]

I would let her go.

[JeneralMom]

I guess I can understand her hurt. I might be hurt too, if I had a friend whose family stayed and i stayed with them over teh lifetime of our kids growing up, and then when the kids got to a certain stage she said she didnt think it was good for us to stay together because...essentially, she didnt trust my son with her daughter. But I have a different value system to many Christians here and my teens spend plenty of time with opposite sex teens, away from adults.

 

However- maybe she doesn't think YOU are a good friend if you would let that get between you both.

 

Nevertheless she is not responding with care and responsibility or acceptance of your value system. As others have said, I would give her space and time.

 

This is exactly what I was going to say. However, knowing that she doesn't want her son to date until he is 25 I also agree with others that there is something else going on and in her case she may be using this as an excuse.

[TXBeth]

Could it be that she was letting you know about her son's feelings for your daughter to warn you so you and she could nip it in the bud (since she doesn't want him having relationships until his 20s). And maybe your response gave her the impression that you were fine with the relationship developing, as long as precautions were taken against raging teenage hormones? So maybe she is distancing herself because she feels that you will be "encouraging" this relationship that she doesn't think should exist?

[nd293]

I would be sad but I would leave her alone. She will either work this through on her own and will come around, or she'll choose to hold onto this.

 

And if she did "come around" I would be much more cautious about how much I put into the relationship. Once bitten, twice shy.

[kolamum]

:grouphug: I agree with Jean..