Kid getting heavy....

[MelanieM]

So why do you think it feels different to you with the weight discussion rather than the acne discussion? I mean, it sounds like you had no issue discussing acne with her, but you're really unsure about how to approach the subject of weight. Do you feel like this will be a sensitive subject for her? You mentioned earlier that she's a little touchy.

 

Ultimately, you know your kid best and I think you should trust your instincts on how to handle it. I do believe that intention counts for a whole heck of a lot, so if you have pure intentions and are willing to work with her to help her be as healthy as she can be, then it will all turn out well. :)

[fairfarmhand]

At 10 years old, I wasn't mature enough to view that particular conversation in harmony with the perception of my relationship with my mother as a whole.

 

Our relationship was good, and I knew mom loved me.

 

I was so eager to please my mom that I drastically changed, just based on that one conversation. I was horrified that my actions (or non-actions) were causing my mother to see me in anything other than a positive light.

 

She probably tried to break it to me gently and lovingly, but all I remember hearing was something was the matter with me.

 

 

hmmm...a people pleaser....I know the feeling having been one my whole life. My second dd, I guess I could see being affected by one conversation so deeply. Ok ya'll have made your point.

[OH_Homeschooler]

It wasn't awkward about her acne...should this be different?

 

In addition to the reasons I pointed out earlier, there is also the fact that you personally experienced acne, but that you said you are not overweight. You have been through the acne and know what that's like but if you haven't been overweight, she may not feel like you empathize with her, and more like you're judging.

[oasis]

hmmm...a people pleaser....I know the feeling having been one my whole life. My second dd, I guess I could see being affected by one conversation so deeply. Ok ya'll have made your point.

 

 

Oh yes, I'm definitely a people-pleaser (and especially toward my parents!)

 

My poor husband; it sometimes drives him crazy that I try to be so "perfect" for my parents. :tongue_smilie:

[Anne in CA]

Our family made some small changes to help our oldest when she was 12. She was putting on quite a bit of weight and we cut out all dessert but one night a week. We also cut out ALL drinks but water. Seriously, juice and milk can add up to thousands of calories a day.

 

That upset her very much, but my son was too little to notice and our other dd was a baby. But it had to be done. My oldest is my stepdaughter and her mother and her mother's mother are life threateningly obese and we had to help. We exercised as a family an hour a day and I signed her up for a cheap dance class through parks and rec one night a week.

 

I posted even though you got lots of good advice because you said this was your child that you have to stay on all the time anyway. I think that fixing her health will fix a lot of the attitude that you are experiencing. Some people are more stubborn than others, but if she starts getting an hour of exercise a day you might not even recognize her new attitude in a few weeks. That was the case at our house.

 

As an adult dd is now obese, but she has the mental tools to change her weight and trims down when her weight gets to be too much for her. This does break my heart, because she does not have the natural good health to carry so much weight and she experiences pain and health problems, but when things get bad she eats well and gets exercise for a few weeks, she doesn't do fad crash diets to lose weight, and that is probably the most I could hope for when she has the family history she does. I think the years that we only drank water and went camping every summer to go hiking for her health were a good investment in her even though she is struggling now.

[AngieC]

I just wanted to chime in as one more person who says please don't say anything to her!!

 

Yes, one conversation can do a world of damage. I still vividly recall my mom telling me when I was 14 that she would like to see me grow a few more inches but not gain any weight (because she thought I was too heavy). It's not a fond memory.

 

If I were you, I would get my family active, cut out some high fat/high calorie foods and definitely cut down on the milk intake. Lead by example and make exercise and healthy living a priorty.

[fairfarmhand]

So why do you think it feels different to you with the weight discussion rather than the acne discussion? I mean, it sounds like you had no issue discussing acne with her, but you're really unsure about how to approach the subject of weight. Do you feel like this will be a sensitive subject for her? You mentioned earlier that she's a little touchy.

 

Ultimately, you know your kid best and I think you should trust your instincts on how to handle it. I do believe that intention counts for a whole heck of a lot, so if you have pure intentions and are willing to work with her to help her be as healthy as she can be, then it will all turn out well. :)

 

 

thank you so much for this.

[fairfarmhand]

In addition to the reasons I pointed out earlier, there is also the fact that you personally experienced acne, but that you said you are not overweight. You have been through the acne and know what that's like but if you haven't been overweight, she may not feel like you empathize with her, and more like you're judging.

 

 

but I have been overweight in my adult life....does that count?

[LauraGB]

Fairfarmhand, I think it comes down to your dd's personality and current self esteem and the relationship already established between you two, and using those two things to determine how to address this.

 

I just read all of these responses with my jaw in my lap wondering just how badly I have inadvertently screwed up my ds - he's been getting a bit round for the last year or so, and I have been active (for his entire life, actually) with teaching about food choices and making sure our family only has healthy things available to them and making them exercise daily (we all do), but I have also been vocal about it, too. By vocal, I mean explaining to him that not addressing the middle weight will cause health issues either now or later, etc, expecting him to be careful with his portions (that's his big downfall), etc. By no means am I flogging him with these words on a daily basis, but I don't exactly hold back when the situation calls for it, either.

 

So, shouldering my monster amount of guilt after reading this thread, I went to dd (ds isn't home) and asked her if she would want me to tell her if she is getting heavy. She said yes. I asked why. And she said, "because if I am, then you're about the only person I'd want to hear it from". She also said that if she were, she'd already know it and take the necessary means to fix it. That last part, "necessary means", is what threw me. What exactly are "necessary means" for a girl of 12, 13, 14? According to my dd, they would be to exercise more and eat better, but what about most girls (what about me at 14? I *know* what those "necessary means" could be.) I also asked her how she would feel if I said nothing about it at all. She said she would feel like I was afraid to talk her about uncomfortable, undesirable traits in her, and it would make her feel less inclined to share things of that nature with me. She also assured me I didn't ruin ds :).

 

So, based on my dd's response and then the other responses from so many other girls who were obviously hurt by these conversations, I would have to say to you, OP, that you know your dd best and based on what you know and the relationship you have with her, you can gauge how she will react. If she is getting heavy, she probably already knows it. If she is terribly sensitive to most things, tread lightly, but don't avoid it because it might hurt her feelings. Lots of realities hurt our feelings - dealing with that is an indispensable skill that carries over into adulthood. Bringing it up to her from a dietary perspective isn't harsh, it's part of our job as mothers, I think.

[OH_Homeschooler]

but I have been overweight in my adult life....does that count?

 

Yes, to me I think that would help.

 

I do admit I'm probably more sensitive than most people are. I do generally agree with those who have said that you know your daughter the best and if you think she has the self-esteem and weight is not that sensitive an issue for her, then it is probably fine to approach her with it. And you are clearly WANTING to be sensitive about it, or you wouldn't seek advice on how to approach it.

 

It's really a tough situation all around. :(

[fairfarmhand]

Fairfarmhand, I think it comes down to your dd's personality and current self esteem and the relationship already established between you two, and using those two things to determine how to address this.

 

I just read all of these responses with my jaw in my lap wondering just how badly I have inadvertently screwed up my ds - he's been getting a bit round for the last year or so, and I have been active (for his entire life, actually) with teaching about food choices and making sure our family only has healthy things available to them and making them exercise daily (we all do), but I have also been vocal about it, too. By vocal, I mean explaining to him that not addressing the middle weight will cause health issues either now or later, etc, expecting him to be careful with his portions (that's his big downfall), etc. By no means am I flogging him with these words on a daily basis, but I don't exactly hold back when the situation calls for it, either.

 

So, shouldering my monster amount of guilt after reading this thread, I went to dd (ds isn't home) and asked her if she would want me to tell her if she is getting heavy. She said yes. I asked why. And she said, "because if I am, then you're about the only person I'd want to hear it from". She also said that if she were, she'd already know it and take the necessary means to fix it. That last part, "necessary means", is what threw me. What exactly are "necessary means" for a girl of 12, 13, 14? According to my dd, they would be to exercise more and eat better, but what about most girls (what about me at 14? I *know* what those "necessary means" could be.) I also asked her how she would feel if I said nothing about it at all. She said she would feel like I was afraid to talk her about uncomfortable, undesirable traits in her, and it would make her feel less inclined to share things of that nature with me. She also assured me I didn't ruin ds :).

 

So, based on my dd's response and then the other responses from so many other girls who were obviously hurt by these conversations, I would have to say to you, OP, that you know your dd best and based on what you know and the relationship you have with her, you can gauge how she will react. If she is getting heavy, she probably already knows it. If she is terribly sensitive to most things, tread lightly, but don't avoid it because it might hurt her feelings. Lots of realities hurt our feelings - dealing with that is an indispensable skill that carries over into adulthood. Bringing it up to her from a dietary perspective isn't harsh, it's part of our job as mothers, I think.

 

 

thank you SO MUCH. This has been the most helpful post, although I do appreciate everyone's input and suggestions.

 

I think I will bring it up when we bring out the spring/summer wardrobe.

Edited March 30, 2011 by fairfarmhand

[Parrothead]

I'm coming in way late here. I've got an 11-year old that is 5'2" and weighs 147 pounds. Today the doctor told her flat out that he is worried about diabetes and we need to do start something today.

 

Faith, don't let your dd get to this point. Get her exercising somehow, cut back her portions and hand her something healthy and portable for church snack time.

[Michelle My Bell]

:iagree:

I wouldn't tell her she was getting heavy. I'd teach her about health and nutrition, portion sizes and how our metabolisms are all different. Then we'd be walking, biking, rollerskating, whatever. The answer is she needs more exercise.

 

My 13 year old daughter is not fat at all, but she has a slightly pudgy belly so I have been getting her excited to start the C25K program which she has watched me start and complete as well. I am not really worried about pudge as I also have my 110 lb older daughter doing the C25K, but I want to teach healthy habits. I also talk a lot about healthy eating habits.

[Joanne]

No, I would not talk to a young teen about her weight.

 

I am overweight myself, and this is an area where I don't feel that talking to someone else is appropriate; I think it is hypocrisy.

 

I also think the risks of talking to a teen girl about her weight is far worse than the possible and dubious benefit.

 

I'm also inclined to not believe she's clueless. :grouphug:

[Lilymax]

And I am trying to look at this like I would any other issue.

 

Too much TV? I'd say something.

Too much video games? I'd say something.

She started getting acne, I told her about my struggles as a teen and bought her some products to use to help combat that.

When she started growing up and got body odor, I nagged her about wearing deodorant and showering till it became a habit.

 

So why should I approach weight differently. I suppose I am going to try to be a bit more gentle and tactful, but I think I need to bring it to her attention, that how we eat and what we do matters.

 

For the record. I am not overweight, nor is my dh. Could probably stand to lose 10 pounds, but my BMI is 24. This is because I pay attention to portion size and I exercise ( I love pilates :001_smile:). I do eat pie. I do have an occasional soda. But I am careful. I want her to realize that you do have to pay attention to how you are eating to stay healthy.

 

You should approach weight differently because out of acne, TV and video games, weight is the only issue that could end up killing her if she, like myself and others here, internalizes it as rejection and swings the opposite way into eating disorders.

 

Of course, the flip side is that obesity isn't healthy and over the long term, can damage her health as well. But "long-term" means that chances are, before it's a true health issue, she'll be an adult and able to make her own choices regarding diet and exercise...without carrying a ton of emotional baggage from feeling that even in her own home, she was singled out because of her weight. Remember that eating disorders aren't just those of starvation, but compulsive overeating as well. Teenage rebellion, anyone? If you make weight an issue, if she knows that you want her to eat less, eating more could very well become a way she declares independence.

 

I hear what you're saying, but I really feel that when it comes to the important issues in life - such as health - we need to be direct.

 

I actually did struggle with weight in my youth, only on the opposite end of the spectrum. I would have much preferred if somebody had talked some sense into me in my teens than in my early twenties, I believe it would have been much easier to take. When nobody actively reacts, it's easy to fall a prey to thinking that it's obviously not such a big deal.

 

This raises an issue I haven't seen posted in this thread yet, which is that it doesn't have to be such a big deal! As a society, we are SO totally over-focused on weight and food. That's why I have a hard time believing this girl could possibly be oblivious about her body shape. We're assaulted with images of thin perfection right alongside ads for Big Macs, dieting competitions on TV, diet products everywhere, diet commercials, healthy eating initiatives that have even Cookie Monster eating vegetables...food and the focus on it is EVERYWHERE.

 

Everywhere.

 

So I don't think it's easy to "fall prey to thinking that food/diet isn't a big deal"---I think our real problem as a society is to STOP thinking of it as the ultimate big deal! We've made food and dieting into this huge, emotionally-charged thing that it shouldn't even be.

 

Is it possible to remove ourselves from that? I don't know. But I think the healthiest approach to food is to see it as fuel, to see exercise as something our bodies were designed to do, and try to find the joy in those things while listening to our own body's cues on when we're hungry and have had enough.

 

NO ONE can do this for us. Trying to impose it externally usually fails, or results are often temporary.

 

I am trying to learn this myself after a lifetime of obesity. Funny thing is, when I look back on my childhood and teenage pictures, I was not that fat, especially not by today's standards. My parents tried to make me diet from a very young age, tried to bribe me into thinness with gifts. It was awful, especially being the only heavy one out of three daughters. When I look back on how skewed my body image always was, it makes me feel sick.

 

But you know what I've realized? Being a little overweight is not the worst thing in the world. Someone said earlier that they didn't want their kid to fall into the trap of thinking "I'll always be chunky." I don't see that as a trap, but freedom!

 

Fact is, I come from a long line of stockily-built women, and I will never be svelte. (Even when I was bulimic, I had fat thighs! Which repulsed me at the time; if it wasn't so pathetic, it would be almost funny to realize how hard I fought against my own genes.) I inherited Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which played a huge part in my weight issues as a teen but no one started treating for that until I was in my mid-20's and struggling with infertility. (Could be worth getting your DD tested for that--women with PCOS can eat fewer calories than women without the disease and still gain weight.)

 

Self-acceptance was the best thing I ever gave myself. And I've had a happy adult life because of it, and that is in spite of being heavy.

 

Clearly, this is an emotionally-charged subject for me, but honestly--if you know you're providing healthy food and encouraging exercise in a non-judgmental way, in my opinion, that's the end of your responsibility here. Don't shame her when you're buying her spring and summer clothes. Let her choose things she likes that feel good on her, no matter what the size tag says.

 

Ultimately, it is HER body, and if she gets unhappy with how she looks, and she feels she can trust you, she will come to you for help. I really believe that.

[LibraryLover]

I think it's really important to talk with children about healthy food choices, additives, moving in happiness at something you enjoy (yoga, basketball, dance, walking, hiking, whatever, just something) etc.

 

I think where it gets tricky is to define health by body type alone. Everyone has a different build/body. I am always surprised to hear what epople weigh..some people can look stocky at 115, and some people look rail thin, even at the same height.

 

A young teen is not in charge of the eating patterns of his family, and is not in charge of purchasing food, preparing it the majority of time etc. If one person is singled out as being overweight, but the other children in the same family are not but are eating these same foods, how is that going to play out emotionally for everyone?

 

How come one child can eat cookies and not look pudgy, but another can't? What if the pudgy child still remains unthin, even as they eat differently from the rest of the family? What do those few extra pounds they 'should' lose do to a growing child's mental health? Is the 6 or 10 lbs worth the life-long worry about how they look? Should this worry start at 12? 21? Will the 12 or 13 yr old grow more? Do we know they will not?

 

It could turn into such a loaded situation. I'm an advocate for family changes. It doesn't hurt even slender people to eat more fuit and veggies, fewer processed foods, and become more active. People could go swimming at the Y instead of going to the movies. Or take a walk before watching Netflix. Walk to the library instead of drive. Little things add up, I think. :)

 

It seems that changes that matter to actual health (and 10 lbs don't really matter for longevity), would come from a family thinking together about healthy food and movement in a way that benefits everyone.

Edited March 31, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Nestof3]

What kind of food is around the house? I know the guys in my house have metabolisms that allow them to eat anything and everything, but that isn't the case with me.

 

How many vegetables does she eat in a day? How often is dessert served? What does she drink? What does breakfast consist of?

 

Small changes can make a huge difference. I would definitely have a plate of raw veggies available at all times for snacking. Apple slices are great too.

[Nestof3]

:iagree:

 

I think everyone should eat healthy and find ways to be active (I don't mean in am aerobic craze). I also think that being overweight definitely contributes to other problems, though. Sure, thin people die of heart attacks, but being overweight leads to its own set of issues.

 

I see so many people with high metabolisms sort of brag about their weight as if they are just doing everything right. I then see how they eat, and I am astounded that they are thinner than I am.

 

Another thing to remember is that it is much harder to lose weight than maintain weight. It's like pedaling backward.

 

I think it's really important to talk with children about healthy food choices, additives, moving in happiness at something you enjoy (yoga, basketball, dance, walking, hiking, whatever, just something) etc.

 

I think where it gets tricky is to define health by body type alone. Everyone has a different build/body. I am always surprised to hear what epople weigh..some people can look stocky at 115, and some people look rail thin, even at the same height.

 

A young teen is not in charge of the eating patterns of his family, and is not in charge of purchasing food, preparing it the majority of time etc. If one person is singled out as being overweight, but the other children in the same family are not but are eating these same foods, how is that going to play out emotionally for everyone?

 

How come one child can eat cookies and not look pudgy, but another can't? What if the pudgy child still remains unthin, even as they eat differently from the rest of the family? What do those few extra pounds they 'should' lose do to a growing child's mental health? Is the 6 or 10 lbs worth the life-long worry about how they look? Should this worry start at 12? 21? Will the 12 or 13 yr old grow more? Do we know they will not?

 

It could turn into such a loaded situation. I'm an advocate for family changes. It doesn't hurt even slender people to eat more fuit and veggies, fewer processed foods, and become more active. People could go swimming at the Y instead of going to the movies. Or take a walk before watching Netflix. Walk to the library instead of drive. Little things add up, I think. :)

 

It seems that changes that matter to actual health (and 10 lbs don't really matter for longevity), would come from a family thinking together about healthy food and movement in a way that benefits everyone.

[Negin]

Our dd has the ability to gain weight easily. She is sensitive, but I do need to tell her at times. I tell her that my emphasis is health. But that society will unfortunately judge her on weight. But I care about her health. I always emphasize and repeat that even if she weighed 300 pounds, I will always, always love her immensely. Even though my dd knows it, knows that I love her, she needs/likes to be told it repeatedly.

 

Dd is a natural couch potato and will not move unless she's forced to. She knows that she has to bounce on the rebounder for 20 minutes a day. I never thought it would come to this. This is a fairly new rule. But I tell her that since she refuses to do anything else, exercise is no longer optional. When she doesn't, she's deprived of the computer the following day until she does. There are exceptions and I am flexible. Trust me. I am. ;)

 

We try to limit sweets for special occasions and part of the weekend. She doesn't eat much. She just gains easily.

 

I'd ask her if she wants to walk/run/exercise with you.

If I were to ask my dd, she would never do it. She hates exercise and prides herself on that.

Mind you, once she's on the rebounder and listening to all her favorite music, she loves it. :)

 

Milk could be a major problem. Milk is hardly ever allowed in our home anymore. We have switched to almond milk. My first choice would be goat's milk, but it's not always available here.

 

Agreeing with a previous poster about reading and studying The Omnivore's Dilemma for kids/teens. We plan on doing that.

 

I don't know. Maybe have an aunt tell her. :)

When I was about 12, maybe 13...my mom and aunt were talking about losing weight, gaining weight, etc., and I asked if I was "fat." My mom didn't say anything, but my aunt said, "No, I wouldn't call you fat...you're chubby." That was all it took for me! I wasn't hurt by the comment, I was surprised! I'd never thought of myself as even a little overweight and had only asked the question to get attention.

 

This is great. Because then the "enemy" is not the mom. The mom/daughter relationship is spared. I love this approach. :)

 

My dd is spared in one way - a rather shallow motivator - she's fashion and style obsessed. She sews and designs clothes. We watch shows like "What Not to Wear" or Tim Gunn and we talk about everything together. Weight is not a taboo subject. But it's how I approach it with her, I guess. I used to think it was taboo when she was younger. But now I talk about it more openly. I never thought I would. She now sees my own struggles. She's seen me on the hcg diet. She's seen me exercise and try all sorts of approaches.

[lvbnhome]

As a mother, and a midwife...can I suggest that you read Mothers and Daughters by Chritiane Northrup, before speaking to your daughter? It may help bring more understanding about hormones, and normal weight flunctuations at this age...it's effects on her fertility and self image...and give you some guidance before speaking to her?

[Hot_Stove]

I think I will bring it up when we bring out the spring/summer wardrobe.

 

I'm new here, so excuse me, but please, please don't make it about clothes. That has the potential to send the message that your concern is about looks, not health. Even if her growth/weight gain is perfectly normal, a developing young lady is still going to see her clothing size creeping upward, to a greater or lesser degree, as she matures. If you set up the expectation that she has to keep fitting into her old size, you could easily create an eating disorder. Please provide clothes that fit and flatter the body she has, and deal with the weight in terms of root causes and health concerns. Healthy weight change is gradual; there's no way she's going to be able to change her clothing size quickly enough to satisfy concerns that come up at spring wardrobe time. If she thinks you expect her to do so, you could see unhealthy behaviors like crash dieting (which, by the way, tends to make people fatter over time because it permanently messes up the body's metabolism).

[Ester Maria]

This raises an issue I haven't seen posted in this thread yet, which is that it doesn't have to be such a big deal! As a society, we are SO totally over-focused on weight and food. That's why I have a hard time believing this girl could possibly be oblivious about her body shape.

I believe you may be misunderstanding my point. Let me rephrase it.

 

There are (i) health concerns and (ii) aesthetics. I am NOT talking about the latter category. I am focusing exclusively on health here.

 

It is not about being oblivious in the sense of not knowing she is off medical charts and leading a potentially dangerous lifestyle. It is about being oblivious in the sense of not being aware of how serious it might actually be.

 

My situation was that I lived in a society which looked dangerously benevolently upon young girls who did not eat well / enough. To the point of nonchallantly commenting, "Oh, she's 17, you know lycee-age girls never really eat anyway" upon noticing somebody does not eat - and giving a bit too much time to the girls in question to figure things out on their own, without really confronting them about it.

I was not oblivious of the fact I was slightly underweight. But I though, had I been dangerously underweight, somebody would have confronted me about it, right? The silence - the benevolent, nearly approving silence! - of those around me has cost me several years of forgetting to eat anything after breakfast for many days in a row (not kidding, with time you just... forget, your body adapts to it and you stop paying attention that you had not eaten for a bit too long while), periods of anemia due to the lack of nutritients, fainting, decreased mental and physical strength... For most part, I was totally unaware of how bad it actually was. I had forgot what a "normal" feeling was because physical and mental exhaustion was just so "default" for me, and I thought that, well, some people just lack some nutritients in blood. I had on and off such periods, and looking back, I did not have to go through 6-7 years of, basically, a type of anorexia masqued as anemia.

 

Chi tace acconsente.

The one who is silent, AGREES.

 

Looking back, it would have been truly important for me to have somebody direct confront me. Mind you, I was not ugly-skinny or LOOKING sick. But my quality of life was dimished and I was living some potentially dangerous situations (due to fatigue, tendency to faint, lack of nutritients, etc.). I believe my mother SHOULD have addressed it way more fiercly and way more directly than just occasionally asking me whether I felt okay and tacitly approving it for the rest of the time - to the point of openly organizing my life the way I have to eat within her eyesight if I was unable to do it for myself at that age. It was her job as a mother. She did not think it was such a big deal since most women in our family are quite slender, or excused it by my youth, my busy lifestyle or whatnot. Still, I led an unhealthy and potentially dangerous lifestyle and I had to be talked some sense into, but still somehow mysteriously was not - and even if my mother tried a few times and snapped once over it, it was still mostly a period of tacit approval, ignoring and hoping things will solve themselves.

 

I am taking a completely different approach with my 14 yo who has been showing similar symptoms for several years already. You cannot organize your life the way you remember to eat? Too bad, I will have to do it. And check your food every day if I have to. And not ignore it at all, because you will NOT be fainting out of my sight and then having your friends in your twenties slapping some sense into you because I failed doing so as your mother in your teens.

If I had a child with the opposite tendencies - the ones of overeating - I would treat it exactly the same way. Freedom comes with responsibilities, and if I cannot trust you to be responsible for yourself and taking care of your health without me involved in this aspect of your life, well, you are not "free" from my involvement.

 

It is not the issue of aesthetics or of not taking into account various body types and recognizing that someody's limits are higher or lower. It is the issue of health and life quality, as well as real threats tied to obesity.

[Caitilin]

Fairfarmhand, I think it comes down to your dd's personality and current self esteem and the relationship already established between you two, and using those two things to determine how to address this.

 

I just read all of these responses with my jaw in my lap wondering just how badly I have inadvertently screwed up my ds - he's been getting a bit round for the last year or so, and I have been active (for his entire life, actually) with teaching about food choices and making sure our family only has healthy things available to them and making them exercise daily (we all do), but I have also been vocal about it, too. By vocal, I mean explaining to him that not addressing the middle weight will cause health issues either now or later, etc, expecting him to be careful with his portions (that's his big downfall), etc. By no means am I flogging him with these words on a daily basis, but I don't exactly hold back when the situation calls for it, either.

 

So, shouldering my monster amount of guilt after reading this thread, I went to dd (ds isn't home) and asked her if she would want me to tell her if she is getting heavy. She said yes. I asked why. And she said, "because if I am, then you're about the only person I'd want to hear it from". She also said that if she were, she'd already know it and take the necessary means to fix it. That last part, "necessary means", is what threw me. What exactly are "necessary means" for a girl of 12, 13, 14? According to my dd, they would be to exercise more and eat better, but what about most girls (what about me at 14? I *know* what those "necessary means" could be.) I also asked her how she would feel if I said nothing about it at all. She said she would feel like I was afraid to talk her about uncomfortable, undesirable traits in her, and it would make her feel less inclined to share things of that nature with me. She also assured me I didn't ruin ds :).

 

So, based on my dd's response and then the other responses from so many other girls who were obviously hurt by these conversations, I would have to say to you, OP, that you know your dd best and based on what you know and the relationship you have with her, you can gauge how she will react. If she is getting heavy, she probably already knows it. If she is terribly sensitive to most things, tread lightly, but don't avoid it because it might hurt her feelings. Lots of realities hurt our feelings - dealing with that is an indispensable skill that carries over into adulthood. Bringing it up to her from a dietary perspective isn't harsh, it's part of our job as mothers, I think.

 

I asked my dds13 this question after I read your post. They totally, totally agreed with everything you said here--they would rather hear it from me, in a kind, concerned way, than from another family member or a friend. They stipulated that it could not be a time when they were already grumpy or having a rough day:D, but that in general they would feel hurt if I were not able or willing to talk to them about this issue as I have talked to them about others. Their feeling was that in our relationship, and handled correctly, they felt it would be both appropriate and necessary. They also said that whatever steps were taken they would want to have input in and that they would want me and/or other family members to take them too. I was so pleased to hear this from them. I cannot think that our relationship is unique in this; I would encourage others to think about their own baggage, and determine *for themselves* whether they are projecting their own childhood feelings onto their daughters.

:grouphug: all around.:grouphug:

[leeannpal]

she is totally oblivious....really.

 

I'm thinking about just mentioning that sitting inside this winter is kind of showing up. So how can I help her to work on that. Not that she's a fatty. Not that she's gaining weight. Just "hey, anything I can do to help you out with this?" Not that I am being critical or ugly or thinking she is fat. Just a friendly reminder that I am here to help.

 

I would suggest that you take her to a doctor to make sure that something else isn't going on. As soon as I started my cycle, I went from a normal weight 12 year old to a pudgy 13 year old. It turns out that I had PCOS. Of course, no one knew what that was at the time, and I wasn't officially diagnosed until more than 15 years later.

 

My parents both "said" something to me, not realizing that I couldn't help the hormonal imbalance and metabolism problems that PCOS caused. To this day, I still struggle with my self esteem because of the perception that I was overweight because of laziness and gluttony. Please be very careful that your daughter doesn't get the message that her body size=self worth!

[Abigail4476]

How would you gently tell your teen dd that she is putting on weight? Would you even say it?

 

Dh and I have decided that I am the one, since it would hurt less coming from me, but she is so touchy anyway, I can't think of a good way to approach it.

 

No, this is not a normal phase where she'll gain weight and then grow taller. She's been the same height since she started her cycles a year and a half ago. I doubt she's going to get much taller.

 

She has a fat roll on her belly.

 

help.

 

Chances are your daughter already knows it. I don't think you necessarily need to say anything, especially if you think (know?) it will hurt her feelings. I have the sort of relationship with my girls, that I can walk by and pinch an inch and say something funny like, "Hey, what's going on there??? Do we need to work out a couple of extra times this week?" They'll laugh and probably do something about it themselves.

 

The best thing to do initially instead of having any kind of chat is to make lifestyle changes that include your daughter. Eat healthy, get the sodas, cookies and chips out of the house, and make sure she is working out with you several times a week. I have a friend whose son was gaining weight, to the point of being obese, so she took him down to the local fitness center and signed him up with a personal trainer. He's dropped 30 lbs. since January and is loving every minute of it. I doubt he would have fared so well if she had just said, "Hey, you're gaining weight; do something about it" and left it at that. (Not saying you would do that; just saying that talking about it really isn't going to solve that much, IMO.)

 

Since I'm the person who shops for groceries, cooks the meals and schedules my kids' time, I would feel some personal responsibility if one of them started gaining weight. It would be a problem for me to solve first, and then if I found they were doing something privately to sabotage their own health--then we would need to have a talk about the part they played in the problem.

[Abigail4476]

It is not really about what we are eating. We don't eat a lot of junk. I don't buy processed foods. It is portion size. She just likes to eat alot! And she is the kind of person who does not like to move much.

 

I do make a pie once a week. ONE pie. That means everyone gets one and a half slices per week. I doubt that one pie I make a week is what would pack the pounds on.

 

She does drink milk all the time. She does not like water. Perhaps I need to enforce "only drink water between meals"?

 

She really has a sweet tooth. She gets lots of treats at church. How do I address that?

 

Switch to 1% or skim milk, and I would make sure that she's drinking at least a large bottled water every day. (or the equivalent)

 

As for treats handed out at church--if it's in class, I don't know if you can fix that, but I assume this is only once or twice a week, so that's not the bulk of her diet.

 

More activity is probably the key here. And I'm sure you know this, but the fact that you don't eat processed foods doesn't mean that the diet is balanced or that the calories aren't excessive. :tongue_smilie:

 

Also, as someone else mentioned...who was it? That poster who wears the little scarf on her head :D ...it could be a phase. Lots of kids have a bit of a chubby phase just before a growth spurt. I doubt if she's done growing at 13. I would check a few charts and see if there's a healthy weight range you can depend on for her height and build, and as long as she doesn't get into overweight or obese territory, don't worry too much.

Edited April 1, 2011 by Abigail4476

[Stacy in NJ]

I would simply let her know that you're a bit concerned because she seems to be gaining weight. I'd make that comment and then just be there to support her if she chooses to change her eating habits. I wouldn't badger or bug her about it. It's enough that you make her aware of it and are available to help.

 

 

 

Many folks here have mentioned trying to increase her activity level, and while that is a great idea for general overall health, it won't necessarily help her lose weight. Many recent studies indicated that extra physical exercise doesn't necessarily help with weight loss. In fact, it tends to increase appetite.

 

Here's a story from Time:http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1914857,00.html

[Stacy in NJ]

self-confidence will crumble from this type of comment. There's a huge difference between gently bringing up the subject and talking about over all nutrition and beating them down and making them feel awful about themselves.

 

Laura, you, in my mind, did the right thing in discussing and supporting your ds on this.

 

When did we become so wimpy that we can't even be honest, gentle but honest, with our children on health issues?

 

Fairfarmhand, I think it comes down to your dd's personality and current self esteem and the relationship already established between you two, and using those two things to determine how to address this.

 

I just read all of these responses with my jaw in my lap wondering just how badly I have inadvertently screwed up my ds - he's been getting a bit round for the last year or so, and I have been active (for his entire life, actually) with teaching about food choices and making sure our family only has healthy things available to them and making them exercise daily (we all do), but I have also been vocal about it, too. By vocal, I mean explaining to him that not addressing the middle weight will cause health issues either now or later, etc, expecting him to be careful with his portions (that's his big downfall), etc. By no means am I flogging him with these words on a daily basis, but I don't exactly hold back when the situation calls for it, either.

 

So, shouldering my monster amount of guilt after reading this thread, I went to dd (ds isn't home) and asked her if she would want me to tell her if she is getting heavy. She said yes. I asked why. And she said, "because if I am, then you're about the only person I'd want to hear it from". She also said that if she were, she'd already know it and take the necessary means to fix it. That last part, "necessary means", is what threw me. What exactly are "necessary means" for a girl of 12, 13, 14? According to my dd, they would be to exercise more and eat better, but what about most girls (what about me at 14? I *know* what those "necessary means" could be.) I also asked her how she would feel if I said nothing about it at all. She said she would feel like I was afraid to talk her about uncomfortable, undesirable traits in her, and it would make her feel less inclined to share things of that nature with me. She also assured me I didn't ruin ds :).

 

So, based on my dd's response and then the other responses from so many other girls who were obviously hurt by these conversations, I would have to say to you, OP, that you know your dd best and based on what you know and the relationship you have with her, you can gauge how she will react. If she is getting heavy, she probably already knows it. If she is terribly sensitive to most things, tread lightly, but don't avoid it because it might hurt her feelings. Lots of realities hurt our feelings - dealing with that is an indispensable skill that carries over into adulthood. Bringing it up to her from a dietary perspective isn't harsh, it's part of our job as mothers, I think.

[KidsHappen]

I think your best bet is to take her in for a physical. My dr. gives the girls a complete physical including checking height, weight and checking BMI and then discusses diet and exercise with them. That way it comes from a legitimate authority figure that has reason for concern but who will probably not hurt her self esteem and then you can also ask the best way to help and support her. Then the whole family can take an "we are in this together" attitude.

 

I also think that you need to take family genetics into consideration. While I have been very thin my whole life and am just now reaching a normal weight as I go through menopause, both my family and my hubby's family are all much heavier. All of my girls are my height (well except for the oldest who is 5'11") and the ones that are out of the house are curvy girls. Not fat but very voluptuous. The 14 year old is still pretty thin but getting quite busty. I think she will end up like her sisters. The youngest is a little bigger than most of her sisters were at her age but she is not through puberty yet so I am not really sure what will happen with her. My girls are comfortable with the way they are though because they are all pretty much the same. It's just the way girls look in this family.

Edited April 3, 2011 by KidsHappen

[Lovedtodeath]

Thank you so much for this thread. My dd has been very unhappy at 4'6" and over 100 pounds but I was so scared of scarring her self esteem that I didn't know what to do. The good thing is that she has shown interest in doing the Curves program with me. They won't allow her at the club until she is 15 but I got the book that has the workout for home and the diet and everything.

As a mother, and a midwife...can I suggest that you read Mothers and Daughters by Chritiane Northrup, before speaking to your daughter? It may help bring more understanding about hormones, and normal weight flunctuations at this age...it's effects on her fertility and self image...and give you some guidance before speaking to her?

I will check that out. Thank you so much.

 

I believe you may be misunderstanding my point. Let me rephrase it.

 

There are (i) health concerns and (ii) aesthetics. I am NOT talking about the latter category. I am focusing exclusively on health here.

 

It is not about being oblivious in the sense of not knowing she is off medical charts and leading a potentially dangerous lifestyle. It is about being oblivious in the sense of not being aware of how serious it might actually be.

 

My situation was that I lived in a society which looked dangerously benevolently upon young girls who did not eat well / enough. To the point of nonchallantly commenting, "Oh, she's 17, you know lycee-age girls never really eat anyway" upon noticing somebody does not eat - and giving a bit too much time to the girls in question to figure things out on their own, without really confronting them about it.

I was not oblivious of the fact I was slightly underweight. But I though, had I been dangerously underweight, somebody would have confronted me about it, right? The silence - the benevolent, nearly approving silence! - of those around me has cost me several years of forgetting to eat anything after breakfast for many days in a row (not kidding, with time you just... forget, your body adapts to it and you stop paying attention that you had not eaten for a bit too long while), periods of anemia due to the lack of nutritients, fainting, decreased mental and physical strength... For most part, I was totally unaware of how bad it actually was. I had forgot what a "normal" feeling was because physical and mental exhaustion was just so "default" for me, and I thought that, well, some people just lack some nutritients in blood. I had on and off such periods, and looking back, I did not have to go through 6-7 years of, basically, a type of anorexia masqued as anemia.

 

Chi tace acconsente.

The one who is silent, AGREES.

 

Looking back, it would have been truly important for me to have somebody direct confront me. Mind you, I was not ugly-skinny or LOOKING sick. But my quality of life was dimished and I was living some potentially dangerous situations (due to fatigue, tendency to faint, lack of nutritients, etc.). I believe my mother SHOULD have addressed it way more fiercly and way more directly than just occasionally asking me whether I felt okay and tacitly approving it for the rest of the time - to the point of openly organizing my life the way I have to eat within her eyesight if I was unable to do it for myself at that age. It was her job as a mother. She did not think it was such a big deal since most women in our family are quite slender, or excused it by my youth, my busy lifestyle or whatnot. Still, I led an unhealthy and potentially dangerous lifestyle and I had to be talked some sense into, but still somehow mysteriously was not - and even if my mother tried a few times and snapped once over it, it was still mostly a period of tacit approval, ignoring and hoping things will solve themselves.

 

I am taking a completely different approach with my 14 yo who has been showing similar symptoms for several years already. You cannot organize your life the way you remember to eat? Too bad, I will have to do it. And check your food every day if I have to. And not ignore it at all, because you will NOT be fainting out of my sight and then having your friends in your twenties slapping some sense into you because I failed doing so as your mother in your teens.

If I had a child with the opposite tendencies - the ones of overeating - I would treat it exactly the same way. Freedom comes with responsibilities, and if I cannot trust you to be responsible for yourself and taking care of your health without me involved in this aspect of your life, well, you are not "free" from my involvement.

 

It is not the issue of aesthetics or of not taking into account various body types and recognizing that someody's limits are higher or lower. It is the issue of health and life quality, as well as real threats tied to obesity.

Ester Maria, you are so right and I really appreciate most of your posts immensely. It is obvious that you put a lot of thought into them.

 

So I am ordering The Omnivore's Dilemma for Kids: The Secrets Behind What You Eat

 

Trim Kids: The Proven 12-Week Plan That Has Helped Thousands of Children Achieve a Healthier Weight

 

and Curves: Permanent Results Without Permanent Dieting

 

I am keeping Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think and Why We Get Fat: And What to Do About It (Borzoi Books)

 

on my wish list. This is going to replace science for us for a while.

[fairfarmhand]

Our dd has the ability to gain weight easily. She is sensitive, but I do need to tell her at times. I tell her that my emphasis is health. But that society will unfortunately judge her on weight. But I care about her health. I always emphasize and repeat that even if she weighed 300 pounds, I will always, always love her immensely. Even though my dd knows it, knows that I love her, she needs/likes to be told it repeatedly.

 

Dd is a natural couch potato and will not move unless she's forced to. She knows that she has to bounce on the rebounder for 20 minutes a day. I never thought it would come to this. This is a fairly new rule. But I tell her that since she refuses to do anything else, exercise is no longer optional. When she doesn't, she's deprived of the computer the following day until she does. There are exceptions and I am flexible. Trust me. I am. ;)

 

 

 

 

 

Negin, How do you manage to strike a balance between reminding gently and being concerned to being the "food police". I definitely don't want my dd thinking that I am monitoring every bite that goes into her mouth.

 

How do you have those awkward conversations?

 

I'm new here, so excuse me, but please, please don't make it about clothes. That has the potential to send the message that your concern is about looks, not health. Even if her growth/weight gain is perfectly normal, a developing young lady is still going to see her clothing size creeping upward, to a greater or lesser degree, as she matures. If you set up the expectation that she has to keep fitting into her old size, you could easily create an eating disorder. Please provide clothes that fit and flatter the body she has, and deal with the weight in terms of root causes and health concerns. Healthy weight change is gradual; there's no way she's going to be able to change her clothing size quickly enough to satisfy concerns that come up at spring wardrobe time. If she thinks you expect her to do so, you could see unhealthy behaviors like crash dieting (which, by the way, tends to make people fatter over time because it permanently messes up the body's metabolism).

 

thank you. I will definitely keep that in mind.,

[fairfarmhand]

Thanks especially to all those who spoke to their teens asking "would you want me to say something?"

 

It really helps to know that some teens would want a gentle reminder.

[Nestof3]

Not to get nit-picky, but:

 

I stopped using cow's milk in cereal because there are just so many calories in it. Lactose (being a sugar) accounts for more of the calories than the protein. One cup has almost 100 calories (120 calories for 2 %) -- in fact it has just as many calories as coke. The same amount of apple juice has 120 calories.

 

Will she drink water if she adds lemon, lime or orange slices to it? Or what about unsweetened fruit tea?

 

For portion control, I honestly find that the healthier I make my meals (meaning the more vegetables and salad), the fewer second helpings there are. There's a reason why I eat all of my Mexican food at the local restaurant even though I was full five bites ago. I rarely see people go back for seconds on salad, steamed asparagus and steamed spinach. LOL

 

It is not really about what we are eating. We don't eat a lot of junk. I don't buy processed foods. It is portion size. She just likes to eat alot! And she is the kind of person who does not like to move much.

 

I do make a pie once a week. ONE pie. That means everyone gets one and a half slices per week. I doubt that one pie I make a week is what would pack the pounds on.

 

She does drink milk all the time. She does not like water. Perhaps I need to enforce "only drink water between meals"?

 

She really has a sweet tooth. She gets lots of treats at church. How do I address that?

[Lovedtodeath]

To add to Dawn's point: I have found that almond milk and greek yogurt are very very helpful for me because my diet restricts calories and carbs.

 

It is also much, much better to eat an orange than to drink orange juice. Oranges are one of the most filling foods you can eat compared to their calories.

 

Liquid calories add up quickly and don't add much satiety.

 

I have found, however, that 2-3 ounces of cherry or raspberry juice is sometimes just what I need to be satisfied with my meat and vegetable dinner (and strawberries don't work). But any liquid calories should be treated as dessert. Always. JMO

Edited April 1, 2011 by Lovedtodeath

[lllll]

...

[Nestof3]

To add to Dawn's point: I have found that almond milk and greek yogurt are very very helpful for me because my diet restricts calories and carbs.

 

It is also much, much better to eat an orange than to drink orange juice. Oranges are one of the most filling foods you can eat compared to their calories.

 

 

 

Yes, I use unsweetened almond milk on my cereal. I'm not a "milk" drinker, but 1/2 cup of that on my Kashi cereal is my every day breakfast. The unsweetened chocolate almond milk is wonderful with a frozen banana. It tastes like a chocolate milk shake (add ice as needed during the blending).

 

I don't drink juice, though I do buy it sometimes for my boys.

 

Oh, and scrambled egg whites instead of whole eggs. I like it just the same, but 1/2 cup only has 60 calories.

[Crimson Wife]

I was not oblivious of the fact I was slightly underweight. But I though, had I been dangerously underweight, somebody would have confronted me about it, right? The silence - the benevolent, nearly approving silence! - of those around me has cost me...Looking back, it would have been truly important for me to have somebody direct confront me. Mind you, I was not ugly-skinny or LOOKING sick. But my quality of life was dimished and I was living some potentially dangerous situations (due to fatigue, tendency to faint, lack of nutritients, etc.). I believe my mother SHOULD have addressed it way more fiercly and way more directly than just occasionally asking me whether I felt okay and tacitly approving it for the rest of the time - to the point of openly organizing my life the way I have to eat within her eyesight if I was unable to do it for myself at that age. It was her job as a mother. She did not think it was such a big deal since most women in our family are quite slender, or excused it by my youth, my busy lifestyle or whatnot. Still, I led an unhealthy and potentially dangerous lifestyle and I had to be talked some sense into, but still somehow mysteriously was not - and even if my mother tried a few times and snapped once over it, it was still mostly a period of tacit approval, ignoring and hoping things will solve themselves.

 

Being underweight is a *VERY* different dynamic than being overweight. In this kind of situation, I would directly confront the child in a way that I wouldn't with an overweight child. It's easy for a girl or woman to be oblivious about being underweight in our society. Whereas someone who is overweight is almost certainly going to be aware that she isn't living up to society's "ideal".

[Negin]

We underestimate our children when we treat as if they are china dolls and their self-confidence will crumble from this type of comment. There's a huge difference between gently bringing up the subject and talking about over all nutrition and beating them down and making them feel awful about themselves.

When did we become so wimpy that we can't even be honest, gentle but honest, with our children on health issues?

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

[Negin]

Negin, How do you manage to strike a balance between reminding gently and being concerned to being the "food police". I definitely don't want my dd thinking that I am monitoring every bite that goes into her mouth.

How do you have those awkward conversations?

Hard to explain. I allow for treats and am flexible. Both dc know that I'm very flexible on weekends, maybe too flexible. They're allowed one candy a week. Ice cream on about 2 weekend nights. Stuff like that. If we have company, flexible then also.

When she does overeat at times or when she makes poor choices, I remind her to ask herself if she's really and truly hungry. I tell her that I do the same. She sees me doing all this. She seems me fall down and get up again. I am by no means perfect.

We've all been very undisciplined lately - Easter is too tempting. We're crazy about Easter chocolates ... we all know this is temporary.

So no, I do not monitor every single thing that goes into her mouth. But I do remind her, at times, that we all need to be careful and cautious.

This is a constant struggle.

I need to get that Omnivore kids book. We need to study that during school.

 

Not to get nit-picky, but:

I stopped using cow's milk in cereal because there are just so many calories in it. Lactose (being a sugar) accounts for more of the calories than the protein. One cup has almost 100 calories (120 calories for 2 %) -- in fact it has just as many calories as coke. The same amount of apple juice has 120 calories.

Will she drink water if she adds lemon, lime or orange slices to it? Or what about unsweetened fruit tea?

Cow's milk is one of THE absolute worst things for overall health - cow's milk, refined sugar, and HFCS.

We've also stopped using cow's milk, except for when I need it for baking. No soy either. We're sticking to almond milk. The kids don't like it much. Tough luck :lol:.

Here's what I've read and been told about (in my college years more than 20 years ago):

If one has to choose, full-fat dairy is more slimming. To make dairy low-fat or skim, fat and protein are removed and carbs and sugars are added. This makes dairy less satiating and more likely to trigger fat-promoting blood sugar imbalances. Removing fat also slashes dairy levels of conjugated linoleic acid (CLA), which your body needs in order to burn fat.

[nd293]

I'd change the food in the house before I'd say anything - control sweet stuff, cook less so there is not enough for seconds, only provide fruit for dessert etc. And I'd introduce more exercise. I would (and indeed, did, when I thought dd10 was putting on weight) weight the whole family and record weights, say once a month, to see if your efforts are helping. If not, it might be time for a talk.

 

I went to something similar to Weight Watchers when I was about 16 - I went with an adult friend of our family. I was certainly not seriously overweight, but I am so glad that I was able to realise at that age that weight can be controlled in healthy ways and should be controlled before things get out of hand. I have never been susceptible to any approach to weight-loss except eat less, eat right, exercise more, and I put that down to my early success in losing a few kilos which were showing in rather unflattering ways.

[Lovedtodeath]

I think that grabbing easy carbs is part of our problem. I have found that I remind DD that she needs protein or she will never feel full. I also take the initiative to have fresh vegetables and dip made with greek yogurt at the ready and she will eat it.

 

I also have discussed the issue with DH and we are taking a nutritional approach. We fuel our bodies to heal and grow stronger with these (nutrient dense foods), not with these (empty calories, refined grains, sugars, butter)...

[Lovedtodeath]

I read the Omnivores dilemma for kids. Very interesting, but not helpful, IMO. We get fast food or a processed meal maybe once every two months. We already greatly limit corn products and processed food in our household and DD knows why at her level. These products have chemicals, the foods are stripped of nutrients, etc. I don't think that this book really has anything meaningful to add. I found the brief mention of food rules interesting and wish I had checked out that book instead.

[StephanieZ]

I wouldn't say a word. She knows.

 

I might make sure to add a nutrition emphasis to some health studies in the coming year. And I'd revisit my pantry-stocking habits and meal planning. I'd also make sure to add some fun outdoor physical exercise to our lifestyle -- biking, hiking, etc as a family. Or, take up a class or activity with your dd or sign her and a friend up.

 

No, don't say a word. EVER. No matter how fat she gets. She is beautiful in your eyes, PERIOD. That's all she needs to know.

[RanchGirl]

I wouldn't say a word. She knows.

 

I might make sure to add a nutrition emphasis to some health studies in the coming year. And I'd revisit my pantry-stocking habits and meal planning. I'd also make sure to add some fun outdoor physical exercise to our lifestyle -- biking, hiking, etc as a family. Or, take up a class or activity with your dd or sign her and a friend up.

 

No, don't say a word. EVER. No matter how fat she gets. She is beautiful in your eyes, PERIOD. That's all she needs to know.

 

 

:iagree:, especially with the bolded part.

[Peela]

It took taking my dd to a chiropractor for her to "get" that she needed to exercise. I had been telling her, dh had been telling her, and we had actually forced her to come walking with us at times- we live in a beautiful area for walks. But, she wouldnt do any exercise voluntarily apart from her weekly gymnastics class.

 

SHe was getting headaches- the chiropractor told her clearly that if she didnt get exercise DAILY and build the muscle tone in her body, she would have chronic pain her whole life. Hearing it from him made a difference. She exercises daily and has done ever since. We organised an exercise buddy for her for a while. If she doesnt get enough exercise, she feels it and makes it happen.

 

SO in our case it took someone outside the family, someone official on her eyes, to make her realise how serious it is not to exercise.

 

Dd was putting on weight- the exercise has made all the difference. We had been telling her gently that she needed to move, that she was putting on a bit of weight, but her resistance to exercise was too great for us to have an impact. She was too old, we felt, for us to control her diet anywhere but at home, where she eats well. We did schedule in morning exercise onto her homeschool schedule last year and the year before, but she owuld avoid it, or just walk round the corner , listen to her ipod, and come back! Thats how resistant she was.

 

Now, she acutally enjoys her exercise and her weight is fine.

[Negin]

I read the Omnivores dilemma for kids. Very interesting, but not helpful, IMO.

I don't think that this book really has anything meaningful to add. I found the brief mention of food rules interesting and wish I had checked out that book instead.

Hmmm ... and here I was ready to order The Omnivore's Dilemma (the kids' version). I also happened to view some sample pages on it in amazon (since there are no good bookstores here) and it did seem a bit too text-book-ish for my dc's tastes.

 

I may just read Food Rules to them instead. But knowing my kids, they would be turned off.

 

They have absolutely loved this book. It was quite an eye-opener for them, plus a fun way to study geography. :)

 

 

I really would love to get this one.

 

 

in our case it took someone outside the family, someone official on her eyes, to make her realise how serious it is not to exercise.

I like this approach.

Teens and young adults oftentimes are resistant to us telling them these sort of things. What helps is someone from the outside. :)

Peela, our dd is much like yours. Getting her to exercise is like pulling teeth.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

No, I wouldn't say it. I would say, "Exercise is a part of a healthy life. Here is a short list of sports/activities that fit our finances and lifestyle. Please pick one. And I would say, healthy eating is a part of a healthy life. Let's have a mix of protein and veggies with our carbs. That meal/snack looks carb heavy - how can we balance it?"

 

:iagree:

[Ann.without.an.e]

I know that there have been a lot of comments on this thread, but here are my thoughts anyway :tongue_smilie:

 

My dd was chubby from about 7-10. All of her extra weight was right in her middle, think apple shape. She was frustrated that she couldn't fit into most jeans for her leg length. She would cry real tears. No one was telling her she was fat, she knew she didn't feel right. She was frustrated that she got so tired when she ran or tried to play games. We had many conversations about how our size does not make us beautiful or keep us from being beautiful. BUT, I never lied to her and told her that she was perfect just how she was. I told her that was beautiful regardless, but I always pointed out the ways she could improve how she felt. I have always tried to make it about health and wellness and not looks. I would encourage her to exercise more (she is a reader and doesn't like to be active) and not to overindulge in sugary foods. Something clicked with her around 10-11 years old and she started cutting back her portions (on her own, she wasn;t on a diet at all). She began to be more active. Her BMI is perfect now (it was high before). She is not a stick and I dont think she will ever be. She still tends to be thick around the middle. But, I believe she is healthy. She feels good, she can run and not get so tired. She is more confident. Again, she is not skinny.at all, but she is healthy and that is what matters. She is over 12 now and she has remained a healthy size. Because I never obsessed about it, neither has she.