TheApprentice Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 This has been a rough day here. My ds 13 walks around ANGRY a lot. And if he's not angry, he wants to be left alone. I'm not sure why, and the only thing he said today was that it was because of home schooling.:sad: I think he means the lack of IRL friends; he has plenty of XBOX live friends. He is getting snippy in his comments, outbursts toward his brothers at the smallest things. Today I said I was going to take away his XBOX privileges, and his response was I DON'T CARE. I was near tears after trying to talk with him, but he did not want to open up to me. I'm at a loss how to reach him emotionally. And I'm having a hard time. I want my fun loving kid back. I know school won't solve the problem, but he thinks it will. This whole teenage thing is not much fun right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Sounds like puberty at work. When I encountered this with my older dd I had a talk with her about her responsibility to remain civil and to remove herself from any situation when she couldn't be civil. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K-FL Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 You may want to read this book: Your Defiant Teen Your ds is probably just being normal, but this book explains what is normal & what's something else. It has good parenting techniques regardless of where your ds falls into the spectrum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margo out of lurking Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I can relate. My 12yods has had his video game privilege removed for two days. (It's clearly not enough.) He's been mostly a jerk this week, but when he's not being that, he's either completely hyper or the loving, sweet boy he's always been. There seems to be no middle ground, particularly this week. He's been pouty, sullen, and UGH, just 12. Dh keeps reminding me that dd was like this. The difference is that I was expecting it from dd, and I couldn't believe it only lasted two years. I was never expecting this with ds, and honestly, I have little patience with him. Fwiw, what helped me with dd was to distance myself emotionally. If I didn't get into it with her, we wouldn't fight. I also stopped sending her to her room. It gave her the opportunity to sit there by herself and convince herself how awful we were. (Hmm. I just sent ds to his room. I guess I should listen to my own advice.) :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 One of the best pieces of advice I got here was the reminder that boys need exercise and sleep! It makes a big difference. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 One of the best pieces of advice I got here was the reminder that boys need exercise and sleep! It makes a big difference. yep, and this is a stage a lot of young men go through. My oldest did. The next two not so extreme. Start giving him a bit more responsibility and try to see him as a young adult instead of a boy. Ask him to do some "guy" things for you. He's growing up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkInTheBlue Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 My 14/almost 15 year old seems to be coming out the other end of this. The anger is less common, but not gone. The desire for isolation is less but not gone. The over-reacting to every doggone thing that didn't go his way is a bit better but definitely not gone. I see a light and I'm already liking him much better. :) I always love him with all my being but the last couple of years it's been a bit difficult to like him sometimes. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 One of the best pieces of advice I got here was the reminder that boys need exercise and sleep! It makes a big difference. :iagree: We've recently moved and ds only has his xbox live friends (a few of whom are homeschoolers). How do you approach your schooling? Do you and he have time to talk during school, do you know how he thinks about school? My ds would rather do many things besides school, that's for sure. One thing we started doing was philosophy. Philosophy for Kids has some great conversation starters. After we discuss the topic I allow the conversation to wander where it will. Unintentionally I discovered these conversation were truly allowing my son's feelings to emerge. This is the same child that says fine and okay when asked directly. These weren't pointed questions at him. I listen and we talk without judgment. I don't try to be the parent, I just guide. We do this at least once a week and ds is a different kid afterward. I also try to make sure he has enough time with dh, doing manly things. I know some people use longer car rides to talk to their boys. It allows conversation , but seems less in their face. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 It isn't just boys who need exercise and sleep. I noticed that youngest d has a lot less teenage angst if she is doing one of her sports and then getting better sleep. In the summer, with an hour and a half of swim team practice and then one hour of dive practice, I had hardly any such issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I agree with puberty and the advice for exercise and sleep. However, you might also consider depression. Depression in males often comes out as anger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silliness7 Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Your 13yo ds sounds just like my 13yo ds. He did complain about homeschooling and I did offer to send him to school next year when high school starts, but he doesn't want to go. Weird! I thought only girls would be difficult and hormonal and moody. I'm embracing toddlerhood more and more....not liking the teen years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Emma Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I could have written this post. My ds is 11 and is so grouchy and mean. All the time. Nothing makes him happy. I know he'd like to go to school, but is that truly an answer? I don't think so. I think what school would bring would be its own unique set of issues, problems, challenges, and emotions. I don't think it would be better. I have no idea how to make it better though. And my dd, never went through this (and she's almost 15.) The one difference, is that she dances every night and has lots of friends there. She doesn't have tons of friends to hangout with or go and do things with. Homeschooled teens are different. It's not easy, but I think it's so worth it. However, I may not survive the next few yrs. with ds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
posybuddy Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 My 14/almost 15 year old seems to be coming out the other end of this. The anger is less common, but not gone. The desire for isolation is less but not gone. The over-reacting to every doggone thing that didn't go his way is a bit better but definitely not gone. I see a light and I'm already liking him much better. :) I always love him with all my being but the last couple of years it's been a bit difficult to like him sometimes. :) Yep, that's exactly where my 14/almost 15 year old is, too. He will always be more emotional/reactive than his older brother, but he's starting to mellow back to his sweet, funny self more often these days. He knows that incivility and anger earn him pushups - which he usually seems relieved to perform for me, to be honest. Our boys are often as confused about (and uncomfortable with) their raging pubescent moods as we are. Giving them a physical release helped my boys with both the anger that came out of nowhere, and the stress of not understanding why their emotions seemed so out of their own control. :grouphug: for mama. Surviving puberty is not for the faint of heart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margo out of lurking Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Philosophy for Kids has some great conversation starters. I don't want to hijack this thread, but I'm very interested in hearing what this is. I googled and came up with a few options. Can you send a link? Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa R. Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I think a lot of kids that age would be angry if they didn't have IRL friends. (You seemed to indicate that he didn't have IRL friends in your post.) Although it helps pass the time and seems fun, having friends over a video game is not the same thing. If he really is lacking friends, homeschooling could be an easy thing for him to blame. I think it takes great effort, particularly in some areas, for homeschooled kids to get and maintain friendships. I'd encourage you to help your ds to find and invite boys his age over to your house. Maybe enroll him in a sport or a homeschool class. Is he in a church youth group? It sounds like he's hurting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kchara Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I don't have a teenage boy yet, so take this FWIW. ;) One thing that I heard a while back, and try to live by, is when they pull away, to draw them closer. It's the "I hate you/Don't leave me" syndrome that sort of happens in puberty. So (although mine aren't in puberty yet), when my DS, who is 8 and we have some real issues with, tries to push me away (he has more issues with me than others, it seems), I make a point to make a "date" with him. Our next in a couple of weeks, I'm taking him and just him to the homeschool convention in Kansas City, to see the fossils that will be there. It will be plenty of one on one time, just him and I, for us to talk and work things out some. A weekend trip might be worth a try in your case, if you can get away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue G in PA Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 A few ladies on this board recommended The Heart of Anger to me when I described this EXACT behavior in my ds12. Your post is almost a carbon-copy of mine. :grouphug: It is soooo hard when our once sweet, easy going, boys turn into angry, combative preteen/teens. My ds12 is exactly like this. He is rebellious (but thankfully not in a dangerous/destructive way), combative, angry, sullen, moody, etc. He HATES being homeschooled and desperately wants to go back to ps. We told him he could go back for high school if he still wanted. I've started reading The Heart of Anger and I am hooked. Excellent book that is already changing the way I deal with/discipline my children. The author is a Christian counselor and addressed the root issues our children (and we) are dealing with that CAUSE the anger. If you are a Christian, I highly recommend this book. If you are not, I still highly recommend this book! :D Good luck and hang in there. As a pp said, please try not to internalize this, feel guilty, take it personally, etc. It is hard, but when I distance myself it does help. Don't misunderstand...don't distance yourself from your son...just from his anger and attitude. I also agree with the exercise, sleep and having something to DO that is constructive and helpful and will give him a real sense of accomplishment. Boys these days just don't have the opportunities for real "work" like they used to (unless living on a farm). KWIM? At least mine doesn't anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 I don't want to hijack this thread, but I'm very interested in hearing what this is. I googled and came up with a few options. Can you send a link? Thanks! It's this book. http://www.amazon.com/Philosophy-Kids-Questions-Wonder-Everything/dp/1882664701/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1300401300&sr=8-1 I think this works for us because it starts by asking a question that may or may not pertain to his real life. It opens the door, so to say. I've found as he grows my son's opinion on matters needs to be validated. Both dh and I were hot headed in our youth and we both monitor ourselves (we mellowed with age) and any behavior we see in ds. I've talked about the friend frustration with my ds. I explained how lonely I felt at 12, even though I had friends and was in public school. I think 12-13 is a hard age, period. Kids are ready for some responsibility, some freedom, but it's hard to get. You can't drive, you may be lumped in with younger kids for family activities. You're starting to have your real personality emerge at the same time hormones are doing weird things to your body. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 Does he have friends? If not, help him make friends. That's what he stated, I'd start there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted March 17, 2011 Share Posted March 17, 2011 My son went through a stage around that age where he really emotionally distanced himself and wouldn't touch or hug- he had always been very affectionate with me. It really hurt my feelings and I felt a sense of loss with him. But it actually did pass and he is now my sweet affectionate son again, but much more in himself, no longer a boy, definitely a young man centred in himself, with his own opinions and view of life. So it was some sort of transition he went through. He comes and sits on my lap now and he is much taller than me! But during all that homeschooling did become hard and then pretty much impossible as he needed a bigger pond to swim in and teachers other than mum- he is at school and thriving there now, bouncing off other kids and many different teachers. That has worked for us and has helped our relationship, too. THe hormones really do change behaviour and i think they need such a balance of tenderness and understanding, and firmness, at that age. Dad stepping in more is helpful if dad is also sensitive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tampamommy Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 I don't think the need (yes, need) for large amounts (hours and hours each week - minimum 8-10, no maximum!) of strenuous exercise and sleep can be understated for most children in puberty. Plus the need for a healthy diet with few refined sugars, tons of fruit, veggies and protein, and all whole grains if possible. A bad diet causes highs and lows in most people, not just teens. But couple that with hormone surges and it can be a nightmare. I would definitely enforce the above before ever running down a depression/medical route. The natural release of endorphins, etc. in the body during exercise provides a natural antidepressant. It really is amazing. Certainly worth a try. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunshine State Sue Posted March 18, 2011 Share Posted March 18, 2011 I think a lot of kids that age would be angry if they didn't have IRL friends. (You seemed to indicate that he didn't have IRL friends in your post.) Although it helps pass the time and seems fun, having friends over a video game is not the same thing. If he really is lacking friends, homeschooling could be an easy thing for him to blame. I think it takes great effort, particularly in some areas, for homeschooled kids to get and maintain friendships. I'd encourage you to help your ds to find and invite boys his age over to your house. Maybe enroll him in a sport or a homeschool class. Is he in a church youth group? It sounds like he's hurting. :iagree: Does he have friends? If not, help him make friends. That's what he stated, I'd start there. :iagree: A book that helped me understand more (and recommended on the HS board here) is: Get out of my life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall? by Anthony Wolf :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4peace Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 It's a fantastic book of 40 philosophical questions designed to teach philosphical thinking while exposing kids to real philosophers from throughout history. I just reviewed it on my blog, Quarks and Quirks. It's been a thrill to use with my sons, 9 and 13, and would work up through adulthood. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted March 20, 2011 Share Posted March 20, 2011 I'm sorry! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 I had an angry son. He jumped to conclusions. He heard things in the tone of voice that weren't the intention of the speaker. He still does these things occasionally, but a lot less than when he was 13. He didn't really have any friends, either, and school with him was quite the challenge. He did have a group of boys at co-op that he got along with fine. But as soon as co-op was done, he was done and didn't want to participate in any outings the other boys had planned. As for school, I discovered ds had a very difficult time with me as mom AND teacher. Because to him, a mom should be on your side but a teacher is almost like an adversary. As part of our solution, we did send him off to school. It's a small private school, but still, it's a school. He didn't want to go at first--he'd never been in school so it was a bit out of his comfort zone. But for him separating school and home has done a lot of good in his attitude. Now we're "just" his parents; we're on his side helping him succeed. He didn't feel that way when we were his parents *and* teachers. I know it doesn't make sense to us (parents), but that's how he felt. He still doesn't prefer hanging out with the guys, but that is slowly developing. I know school isn't the solution for everyone, but it has helped *us* in *our* situation. I know it's tough; just keep loving your son the best you know how. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 (edited) *** Edited February 19, 2023 by J-rap Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 :iagree: We've recently moved and ds only has his xbox live friends (a few of whom are homeschoolers). How do you approach your schooling? Do you and he have time to talk during school, do you know how he thinks about school? My ds would rather do many things besides school, that's for sure. One thing we started doing was philosophy. Philosophy for Kids has some great conversation starters. After we discuss the topic I allow the conversation to wander where it will. Unintentionally I discovered these conversation were truly allowing my son's feelings to emerge. This is the same child that says fine and okay when asked directly. These weren't pointed questions at him. I listen and we talk without judgment. I don't try to be the parent, I just guide. We do this at least once a week and ds is a different kid afterward. I also try to make sure he has enough time with dh, doing manly things. I know some people use longer car rides to talk to their boys. It allows conversation , but seems less in their face. :grouphug: Yes, the car ride is a wonderful time to talk! So are driving lessons. Maybe it's time to take him to some vacant parking lot and get him started. Yes, I know it seems young, but dh does this with our kids and it *really* boosts their feelings of accomplishment. Shows that you acknowledge the transition to adulthood and are extending trust to a higher level. Maybe not a good strategy for all, but this one thing has been successful for us. I think it is difficult for new teen guys to be home with mom. It's the whole young male lion in the pride dynamic, he senses the need to make his own place. I have found that physical exercise, time outdoors, real responsibilities (a la serious yardwork), and time with male friends helps diffuse this. Boy Scouts has been great, a challenging camping experience both exerts him and gives him a good chest-thumping, energy-expelling opportunity. EL, LOVE the philosophy discussion idea, love that it is thought provoking yet non-direct. We experience the same thing with literature discussions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 One of the best pieces of advice I got here was the reminder that boys need exercise and sleep! It makes a big difference. And work. Real, meaningful (but labor intensive) work. Do you know any friends with farms? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 (edited) One of the best pieces of advice I got here was the reminder that boys need exercise and sleep! It makes a big difference. :iagree: Great advice. The other thing is harder - don't take it personally. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It's not about you. Just keep telling yourself that. My son turned angry about age 9 and his teen years were difficult. But we're out of it now and still communicating and have a good relationship. He's a senior in college and about to get married! Don't stop communicating with him and saying, "I love you." Don't get angry back. Just deal with each thing as calmly as you can but give him the consequences he deserves. Every day, say, "I love you." no matter what he does. When he comes in the room, smile and greet him happily - no matter what he does. Never stop believing that he is precious and one of your greatest blessings. Love him totally and unconditionally and find non-confrontational times to express this. This will help you as much as him. Your job right now is to love him, even if you don't feel it and even if you don't think he loves you back. My son took a lot of his anger out on me even though I was not the source of it. But he did it because he knew I was safe. He knew I would not stop loving him. When he was 21, his younger sister asked him for three words to descripe DH and I (she was doing a valentines project). He chose - loving, understanding, forgiving. He knew. (I'm not at all saying spoil him - love him, but be his parent and hold him accountable.) Edited March 21, 2011 by katemary63 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheApprentice Posted March 21, 2011 Author Share Posted March 21, 2011 Thank you all for the wonderful responses. I do believe it is a phase because this is not his normal personality. But I will definitely keep in mind that these are the symptoms for depression. We just got him a bike this past Saturday (previous one was stolen), so I'm hoping he'll get more exercise.:001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terabith Posted March 21, 2011 Share Posted March 21, 2011 Well, I'm wondering if he might have a legitimate point. If he truly doesn't have any real life friends, that is a HUGE problem for a teenage boy. Social needs are a real need, particularly at this age, and I would be tempted to *consider* the possibility that a brick and mortar school might enable him to meet those needs. I think the lack of friends is a big issue, and I can see it as a legitimate cause for anger. I do think that teenage boys need LOTS and LOTS of exercise. At that age I'd say 2-3 hours of hard exercise is ideal. Of course, a combination of things - sports or martial arts, pushups, running, swimming, etc. And real, meaningful work is important. They need to feel that they are contributing in a valuable way to society. They need to be independent and helpful. Apprenticeships and manual labor are awesome for that. In addition to making friendships (and time for those friendships) a priority, I would try to find him an adult male mentor outside of the family. Just someone he can talk with. Teenagers need to be branching out and becoming more independent, and having these needs thwarted makes sense to feel angry. I'm not saying angry or disrespectful behavior is at all acceptable, but I think it's important not to brush him off as just "being a moody teenager" here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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