DD can't decide... on anything.

[shinyhappypeople]

My 6 yo totally freezes and becomes overwhelmed if she has to make a decision. She just.can't.do.it.

 

Last week we were in Target to spend her birthday money ($12). She had a few things in mind so we went to that aisle (Littlest Pet Shop, Zoobles(sp?)) No prob. I explained her options to her. Then she noticed the Moxie Girls further down the aisle. Again, no prob. Would you rather have a Moxie Girl? Yes... No.... back to LPS... back to Zoobles.... oh look, Polly Pockets.... okay.... No wait, I want to look at a different aisle...

 

I reassured her that she would have more money and other opportunities to buy toys in the future. This wasn't a once in a lifetime event.

 

This went on for THREE hours. I'm not exaggerating. THREE hours of our lives GONE. And then, after the 3 hour torture in the toy section she wants to check out the dollar section. Fine. We trudge over there. Rinse and repeat what happened in the toy section. After another 10 minutes in that section she decides to get... nothing.

 

This happens with picking out clothes in the morning. This happened last night with picking Daddy's birthday present. Sometimes it happens with picking a TV show.

 

Please tell me it's a phase and she'll grow out of it. She did this a bit when she was younger, but it disappeared. Now, it's back with a vengeance, MUCH worse.

 

Also, any ideas about how to help her make a stinking decision would be lovely. I've tried narrowing down her options (choose item A, B, or C - those are your only choices) and she chooses "none of the above" or "all of the above." Which is fine for a toy (if she has enough $$), but not so great when getting dressed in the morning.

 

help.

[zookeeperof3]

I'm sorry to have to tell you that my 12 yr old son is like this. He acts like he will never have money to spend again in his life. :lol: It drives me batty. My 4 yr old is also like this.

 

What I now do is to have my child look in the Target or Toys r Us etc... catalog, decide beforehand what he wants....then I order it online! It's not as fun that way, but is less stressful for me. OR I let Daddy take them shopping!(:D ha ha ha ha evil laugh) !!

Kim

ETA

I pick out two outfits, my children can pick from the one's I selected. I try to do this the night before at bath time.

[littlebug42]

Personally, sometimes I get overwhelmed with choices. I sometimes pray for others to just make the decision so I don't have to. If it were me, I would just remove the choice for clothing. Either pick something for her or do like some others do and put clothes away in outfits so she just has to grab one and not make decisions.

 

As for the birthday money, I wouldn't take her to a store. My kids get so overwhelmed at Target etc when they have money to spend because even if I tell them what to choose from, they still see everything else and it is too much stimulation. I would maybe search online and some up with 2 choices that you know she will like and let her choose from those. Then, you could either order it online or pick it up later when you are out alone.

 

My difficulty making choices etc isn't completely gone but I have learned that I just have to do it. Still makes me want to crawl under a blanket and suck my thumb sometimes though. :lol:

[abbeyej]

Does she happen to have any symptoms of OCD? When ds had PANDAS (a type of very sudden-onset childhood OCD associated with strep infection), he had a similar total inability to make decisions or answer questions. He was just *frozen* by the thought of choosing wrong. Anyway, it just sounded similar to that phase for us. Most childhood OCD waxes and wanes in intensity over time, so the fact that she went through a phase like this before, then it got better, now worse, etc, also made me think it might be a possible aspect to OCD...

[Aubrey]

Oooh. I'm like this. I went to the grocery store w/ my sis once, wandered around, & went home w/out anything because it was just. too. hard. It drives her batty.

 

It made my dh nuts when we first got married; now I guess he's used to it. I only buy fast food from 2-3 usual places (not that we do that *lately*); pull through somewhere unusual, & I'll have a meltdown & starve before make a decision. Sometimes it helps if he just decides things for me; sometimes that makes it worse.

 

But what to wear, what kind of coffee to order, how to spend a free hour--killer decisions. :tongue_smilie:

 

But it's just the little decisions that are life-stopping. The big ones are pretty easy. :lol: Dh proposed when we'd never dated, & we were married 3mos later; everything in our lives since has been about the same. We surprise people. :lol:

 

One thing: I wouldn't let her spend 3hrs on the decision. That's really not good for either of you. As much as possible, you might help her w/ the decisions ahead of time & then maybe not even take her w/ you to make the purchase. Or let her wait on the main aisle & not go down the toy aisle.

 

Whatever you do, don't point out extra options. Ice cream choices w/ toppings? :svengo: Dh is allergic to milk, so it looks really weird when we go into an ice cream shop & then leave because I'm near tears. (And I'm a grown up! In my defense, I think that only happened once, after being reamed by a Latin prof while I was pg w/ #1.)

[LittleIzumi]

I do that, and I'm in my 20s :lol:. I blame it on my anxiety issues though. :grouphug::grouphug:

[EKS]

My now 14yo son is like this and has been for his entire life (he is getting better).

 

Over the years, I've learned to simply give him a deadline--"Now is your opportunity to get something with your birthday money. We will be leaving in 15 minutes." And then leave.

 

With my son, I think it has something to do with perfectionism. He wants to get the perfect thing or do the perfect thing. He is finally learning (with a lot of coaching from me) that there is such a thing as good enough.

[melissel]

My 6 yo totally freezes and becomes overwhelmed if she has to make a decision. She just.can't.do.it.

 

Last week we were in Target to spend her birthday money ($12). She had a few things in mind so we went to that aisle (Littlest Pet Shop, Zoobles(sp?)) No prob. I explained her options to her. Then she noticed the Moxie Girls further down the aisle. Again, no prob. Would you rather have a Moxie Girl? Yes... No.... back to LPS... back to Zoobles.... oh look, Polly Pockets.... okay.... No wait, I want to look at a different aisle...

 

I reassured her that she would have more money and other opportunities to buy toys in the future. This wasn't a once in a lifetime event.

 

This went on for THREE hours. I'm not exaggerating. THREE hours of our lives GONE. And then, after the 3 hour torture in the toy section she wants to check out the dollar section. Fine. We trudge over there. Rinse and repeat what happened in the toy section. After another 10 minutes in that section she decides to get... nothing.

 

This happens with picking out clothes in the morning. This happened last night with picking Daddy's birthday present. Sometimes it happens with picking a TV show.

 

Please tell me it's a phase and she'll grow out of it. She did this a bit when she was younger, but it disappeared. Now, it's back with a vengeance, MUCH worse.

 

Also, any ideas about how to help her make a stinking decision would be lovely. I've tried narrowing down her options (choose item A, B, or C - those are your only choices) and she chooses "none of the above" or "all of the above." Which is fine for a toy (if she has enough $$), but not so great when getting dressed in the morning.

 

help.

 

I don't know if she'll outgrow it, but she's not alone! My DD5 is the same way. We no longer go to the store to buy gifts like that. It's too traumatic for everyone. We handle it like this: We put the gift card aside for awhile. When she mentions something she wants or likes or wishes she had, we go to the Web site and search for it, and if the price is right, we buy it. Sometimes we buy it somewhere else and I pay for it and take the gift card instead (we always need something for the house at Walmart or Target). I learned the hard way that shopping in the store is just a losing proposition.

 

As hard as it is on us, I can only imagine how hard it must be for their little brains to process all those choices when they're surrounded by bright, colorful things--all of which they want badly!

 

ETA: I missed the part about the clothes. My DD8 does that sometimes (sensory issues). I still pick out her clothes for her many days. When I narrowed down her clothing selection by cleaning her drawers and leaving ONLY the items I knew she loved and would wear and were easy to match, things got better. I also just resigned myself to picking her clothes for her. She did eventually start outgrowing that.

 

And 6 is still little, in the grand scheme of things. It doesn't feel little, but it still is. Have you asked her what she's afraid will happen if she doesn't pick "correctly"? If she just grabs something out of her drawer and wears it? The toy thing doesn't faze me at all--I think that's normal, even for adults (you should have seen me with my $15 gift card in Office Depot the other night--the kids were ready to drop from exhaustion!). The clothing thing would bother me more because it's an everyday thing. I'd pay more attention to that, just for the goal of making life easier in general.

Edited March 5, 2011 by melissel

[Night Elf]

Would she have had the same problem if you had been buying the item for her? I'm asking because my children are VERY selective when it comes to spending their own money but don't hesitate to make a decision when it's my money we're spending. :tongue_smilie:

 

What happens when you choose her outfit? Does she get upset that you chose the wrong one?

[newbie]

My dd is 15 and still has that problem, it drives me nuts.

[JessieC]

This sounds exactly like my almost-6-year-old dd! We really can't even take a trip to the toy store because she will end up lying on the floor because of the difficulty of the decision!

[ChristusG]

I'd give her a time limit. There's no way I could have stood in Target for 3 hours. What I would have done in that situation is grab a zooble, a Moxie girl, an LPS, or whatever else she wanted and line them up side by side on a shelf. Say, okay, you have 5 minutes to choose. Start clock. If she's not finished in 5 minutes, you put them all back and leave.

 

It just depends on the situation. Sometimes, like for clothing, I'd say "Okay, look through your closet. I'll be back in 10 minutes. If you are not dressed, I'll choose an outfit for you."

 

Yes, this would result in a fit sometimes from my 6 year old, but I can't wait hours on kids to do things.

[LostSurprise]

I think this is normal for a lot of people.

 

Just give her a time limit and when she goes over that limit assure her that she will have another chance to make the decision later but now you are leaving (or in the case of clothing you will make the decision). I have one son like this and he is a champion saver..lol.

 

It's okay for some kids to see complexity in every decision, but it's good for them to know that those decisions do not allow unlimited time. Time is valuable. Sometimes this helps kick them into gear or at least understand how their quirk affects others.

[Linda1951]

My DD who is now 17 never was allowed to make those kind of decisions on her own. I usually took her birthday and Christmas money and would buy something for her. Now that she is older she make her own decisions. Taking that long to me is unacceptable. I know shame on me. but life is too short to be wasting time 3 hrs and more with a 6 yr old. I would say choose one and leave. do not give her a change to change her mind.

I am older than most of you and have learned they really do not care which one they get, they more than likely will not play with it anyway.

I know mean mean me. sorry

[hearts4homeschooling]

Learning to make decisions about purchases and sticking with them and going through their consequences (if any) is part of growing up, as you all know. Having difficulty making decisions about purchases can stem from having your decisions and choices constantly questioned. For example, a parent who second-guesses what a child has decided to purchase by saying, "I thought you were going to get X instead of Y." or "Why did you get that and not this?" or "I would have gotten this." Or a husband who frequently questions things his wife buys, how much she spends on something, etc. This leads to having difficulty making ANY decisions for fear it is the wrong, unacceptable choice to the most important people in a person's life (parent or spouse). It can be very injurious.

 

This realization has really helped me to step back from criticizing their choices when they purchase things and also to let them live through the consequences of a not-so-good choice (selling his DS to buy a camera, for instance, which he has regreted ever since). Life has too many choices in it to not be able to know how to make them. I'm not saying that I don't guide them; I do explain different options and their consequences and then let them decide and live with it. Of course, I am not talking about life-and-death situations or whether or not to do their school work; I am talking specifically about decisions that involve purchasing/selling.

 

This may or may not be the case in your situation; she is a little young for this, but I thought I toss it out there anyway.

 

And I did agree with the post above that it is so much easier for them to make up their minds when it is NOT their own money they are spending!! :tongue_smilie:

[melissel]

Learning to make decisions about purchases and sticking with them and going through their consequences (if any) is part of growing up, as you all know. Having difficulty making decisions about purchases can stem from having your decisions and choices constantly questioned. For example, a parent who second-guesses what a child has decided to purchase by saying, "I thought you were going to get X instead of Y." or "Why did you get that and not this?" or "I would have gotten this." Or a husband who frequently questions things his wife buys, how much she spends on something, etc. This leads to having difficulty making ANY decisions for fear it is the wrong, unacceptable choice to the most important people in a person's life (parent or spouse). It can be very injurious.

 

This realization has really helped me to step back from criticizing their choices when they purchase things and also to let them live through the consequences of a not-so-good choice (selling his DS to buy a camera, for instance, which he has regreted ever since). Life has too many choices in it to not be able to know how to make them. I'm not saying that I don't guide them; I do explain different options and their consequences and then let them decide and live with it. Of course, I am not talking about life-and-death situations or whether or not to do their school work; I am talking specifically about decisions that involve purchasing/selling.

 

This may or may not be the case in your situation; she is a little young for this, but I thought I toss it out there anyway.

 

And I did agree with the post above that it is so much easier for them to make up their minds when it is NOT their own money they are spending!! :tongue_smilie:

 

This is a very good point, and something I'll try to remember!

 

In my experience with my struggling decider (lol!), it makes no difference whose money she's spending. She's simply overwhelmed and wants it all and doesn't comprehend the concept of, "This costs $20 and you only have $15 to spend." If we go to the store to buy something specific, we have no trouble. Here's what we're looking for, pick it up and we'll go pay for it. If we go to the store with a gift card and say, "Pick out what you want!" or if I say, "I'll give you $3, pick something that costs less than that," chaos ensues.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

My younger ds is like that, too. I've gotten to the point where I have him pick out 3-4 things he thinks he likes, then I take those things away from the toy section and make him pick one where he can't be distracted by other things- the lingerie section works well :lol:! I give him a 5 minute time limit once we have moved away from the toy section to make the selection. Once the item is in the cart, that's it. No take backs! I can't take it.

[fairfarmhand]

I'd give her a time limit. There's no way I could have stood in Target for 3 hours. What I would have done in that situation is grab a zooble, a Moxie girl, an LPS, or whatever else she wanted and line them up side by side on a shelf. Say, okay, you have 5 minutes to choose. Start clock. If she's not finished in 5 minutes, you put them all back and leave.

 

It just depends on the situation. Sometimes, like for clothing, I'd say "Okay, look through your closet. I'll be back in 10 minutes. If you are not dressed, I'll choose an outfit for you."

 

Yes, this would result in a fit sometimes from my 6 year old, but I can't wait hours on kids to do things.

 

this...

[Tap]

One thing for me that helped dd when she went through this was isolating the choices.

 

Pick the 3 top things. WALK OUT OF THE DEPARTMENT!!

Tell her she can pick one of these or wait until next time.

 

Ask her to choose, one thing about each that she really likes and one thing that she doesn't like. Ask her to think about what she already has like it....is this just a repeat with other things at home. Look at the accessories, are they worthwhile?

 

Here is how it would go here:

 

DD would pick a purple penguin Pet Shop, a Moxie doll, a few Schleich animals.

 

Me: what do you like about purple penguin?

Her: it is cuter than the blue one I already have.

Me: what accessories does it come with?

Her: it has a cave and food.

 

 

Me: what do you like about the Moxie doll?

Her: I don't have any, but I would like one when I go to Allys.

Me: (it only has an outfit with it) Do you have any accessories at home, that you can use to play with it? Will you play with it alone or only when you go to Allys?

Her: I don't play with dolls alone but would like to have my own at her house.

 

Me: What did you choose the zebra, horse and squirrel Schleich animals?

Her: This is the dad to complete a set, a horse I have wanted for a long time, and the squirrel is cute.

Me: When will you play with these?

Her: Every day in the bath, and sometimes when I take them out too.

 

 

Me: so the Pet Shop is a repeat but you mentioned the other day you would like more food. Is this food you will use with all of your animals?

Her: yes. It is and the cave can be used for xyz.

Me: so the Pet Shop is a good choice.

 

Me: the Moxie doll isn't going to get played with much, do you agree?

Her: yes.

Me: so how about waiting on the Moxie doll, until you have more money to buy some accessories and dolls so you have something you will want to play with at home and at Allys?

Her: Okay.

 

Me: The animals sound like a good choice.

Her: yes, they are very, very cute. I have been wanting them for a long time.

Me: But, you already have ove 50 Schleich animals, do you feel like these will bring a little bit of new characters or not a lot?

Her: A LOT! I have already told the mom and baby the dad will be home soon.

 

 

After this we would decide against the Moxie doll. I will even tell her, "I am eliminating the Moxie doll choice for you"

 

We would then discuss the time she would play with the penguin vs the Schleich animals. If she still was struggling, I tell her that I will choose one for this time, and next time she has money, she can get the other one. This means in this example, I would pick the Pet Shop, because it is going to be harder to find the exact one she wants.

 

 

 

I think it is important to help them learn to think through decisions. How to weigh the choices and to make a final decision.

Edited March 5, 2011 by Tap, tap, tap

[iona]

i hope you can help her learn to make decisions because she sounds a lot like me and it is miserable.

 

my decision making process becomes so convoluted and drawn out that the stress is too overwhelming and i make rash decisions just to have them made and done with. i'll decide on something i know i am not crazy about as opposed to figuring out what i'd prefer because then at least i am making a decision. I don't know if it is the exclusive feeling of the decisions(rejecting the other options), overthinking or just hating the process itself(pressure, stress and seeming brain paralysis) but it has always been difficult. Then add in guilt over someone getting exasperated waiting for you to make that decision makes it even worse.

 

personality profiles, aptitude tests, quizes in magazines all stress me out... i feel like i am lying because i just don't know the answers :leaving:

[blakereese]

I was that child. Well, now that I think about it, I am that adult. :001_huh: It is really hard for me to make decisions.

 

I would set a time limit, like others have mentioned. And maybe give her less choices with other things like clothing in the morning. When she does make a decision, try not to second guess it, and have her live with it. Even if she buys a toy you know she won't like, or if she wears zebra stripes with polka dots. She'll be better at decisions if she feels supported. KWIM?

 

Good luck, I know it is hard!! But you sound tough, I never would have made it 3 hours at Target! :lol:

[meena]

My older DS, age 7, struggles with making choices. He has some OCD and perfectionist tendencies, both of which can make it difficult for him to come to a single decision and then stick with that decision. When pressured to choose, he will but then almost always immediately regrets or rescinds that choice.

 

What has helped him is to:

1. narrow down the choices, either by giving him limited choices DH or I have set or by allowing him to work through a guided process of elimination.

 

2. allow him to practice pressure-free decision-making. Like others have said, we will look at options online or in a catalog before narrowing down choices. He can make a list of a few items, then later come back to the list to add or subtract for awhile before he has to come to a final few options. That also allows him time to wrap his mind around the idea of what it might be like to make a certain decision on one item without actually having the weight of the decision being final.

 

3. make him commit to the choice he has made. Not every time, though--I've learned to choose my battles. I want him to realize, though, that follow-through is important even when we feel like we've chosen poorly. I've tried to show him that everyone makes mistakes. How we live with and learn from the choices we make, good and bad, is what builds character and makes us better people.

 

Life will not end if you choose the wrong toy. Sometimes choices that seems poor at the beginning end up working out better than we thought. Other times they don't. We talk about what his alternatives are if he does continue to feel he's chosen poorly (think about why that toy wasn't the right one, save up to buy a different toy that is a better match to what he likes, be content in all circumstances, choose to enjoy the toy even if it isn't as satisfying as he thought, etc.). We also talk about how some choices can't be taken back, but that we can't stop us from taking the leap and choosing.

 

That third point is pretty deep for a 7yo, so I definitely have to bring it down to his level (as one of my pastors says, "put the cookies on the bottom shelf"). Once we started going beyond mere behavior to address those heart issues behind the behavior, though, I have to say that DS's behavior and ability to make decisions have improved. The struggle is still there, but I see DS maturing in this area.

[sewingmama]

That was me as a kid - I hardly ever got money or treats so I agonised over what would give me the most value for my money :D

 

I would not spend 3 hours waiting for her to decide. I would tell her if you can't make a choice within X minutes then we will go home and think about it and we will come back when you have decided. Then she will either suddenly realise there is a choice she doesn't want to leave the store without and grab that one or she will get as much time as she needs to make the decision without wasting your time. I always take all my kids to the store with me -the little ones would not wait three hours for their subling to make a decision. Plus it is not a bad thing to learn to go home and think over your purchase choices -stops impulse buying.

 

For things like clothes I just say "You can choose from A or B and if you can't decide in 5 minutes then I will choose for you because we can't wait all day". Usually this spurs my kid to make a choice because she doesn't want me choosing but if it doesn't then she probably appreciates you choosing for her anyway.

[angela in ohio]

I have one like this; she's almost 13 yo, and she has always been like this. It is part of her very, very unique personality. ;) It is one of the less major ways she is "quirky," so we let it roll off a bit. As she has gotten older, we have discussed it in terms of not wasting other peoples' time in indecisiveness. The good news is that she gets along with others very well, because she isn't picky. :D She has a very happy personality, and it often really is that she will be fine with any choice.

[Carol in Cal.]

I actually teach this...it's a bit of a different tack.

 

I believe that one of the keys to being frugal is to never buy anything at full price or even on a 'normal' sale the very first time that you see it. That way you can think about it and decide whether or not you really want it at leisure. No regrets that way.

 

OTOH, if it's at a thrift store or garage sale, err on the side of overbuying as you won't find it again at that price.

 

I think that there is no particular reason to go to a store and buy something recreational in a big tearing hurry. There is a lot to be said for figuring out what is out there and then contemplating the decision at home, maybe for a few days.