In-Law/Dealing with Difficult Situations Problem

[Guest CarolineUK]

I don't get on with my in-laws. I have known them now for 14 years and up until about a year ago I had tried very hard to get on with them and to please them. A year ago I decided I'd had enough. Maybe now I'm heading into my late forties it no longer feels quite right to be always bending over backwards to please people who obviously don't care about me, who are critical, controlling and manipulative. Maybe I just can't tolerate all the passive-aggressive goings on with them. Whatever, I'm absolutely certain I really don't want to deal with them anymore.

 

For almost a year this has worked fine. DH has agreed that they're his family and he'll deal with them. He and the boys can go to see them whenever they want, I'm even happy for them to come here so long as I have the minimum to do with them and they don't mess me around (which they tend to). MIL, however, seems determined not to let me be and ever since just before Christmas has been poking and prodding trying to get a reaction out of me - and always indirectly in letters, or cards to other members of the family, and such like, she's never called me directly herself to talk (she hasn't spoken to me in a year). Over Christmas arrangements were chopped and changed and messed around so much, it seemed with the aim of forcing me to do something I didn't want to, that it put quite a strain on me and my marriage. I just wish they'd live and let live and leave me alone, but I feel that won't happen until I'm forced into some sort of confrontation, which I don't want and, quite honestly, I'm fearful of.

 

So my question to all you ever wise ladies is, is there a way I can think about all of this which might help me to can remain detached and unstressed and not angry and resentful? Or would you go for a confrontation and put an end to it once and for all, but risk it getting ugly (and I'm not an emotionally strong person I regret to say, the spine is a bit jelly-like)? I do keep trying to entertain the possibility of going back to the way we were before and pretend we're all one happy family while getting pushed around by them and being made to spend every single holiday in their company. I just can't.

[Laura Corin]

What does your husband think about all the pushing around? What does he think should be done? I'm not suggesting that you should do what he says (not my style at all) but I'm wondering if he can take a stronger line.

 

Laura

[Guest CarolineUK]

DH thinks we should just ignore it and stand firm. He generally works very hard to keep the peace. He would be very upset by a confrontation, it's just not the way his family works. I'm sure he's right, but he's a lot more thick-skinned than I am. As long as I feel under threat from the next gibe or underhand scheme there's a tension that I find very stressful. Although I'm a bit of a wimp I believe that confronting situations is generally far healthier in the long run. I may have answered my own question there I think :001_huh: - funny how just articulating these things can help clear your mind.

 

Thanks Laura :001_smile:

[StephanieF]

I have similar problems and I find that occasionally I need to put my parents in their place. I will tell them what is acceptable behaviour and what is not, otherwise they just do as they please without consideration for others. Unfortunately they need reminding often! Actions speak louder than words so we have had to walk out a couple of times telling them they are behaving badly.

 

I also don't want my children thinking that just because they are old they can do as they please.

Stephanie

[Mama Geek]

I spend as little time as possible around my MIL for the same reasons. I am not going to confront her even though there are a lot of times I would really love too. I want to keep peace with my dh and my fil whom I adore. My dh has enough problems dealing with his mother, I don't want to add to it. The other thing is that I don't think a confrontation would make things better in my situation.

[Heather in Neverland]

Well I just moved far far far away from them. :D Now I have very thick skin so when they make comments I just smile sweetly and comment right back. For instance, dh was married once before me. He was raised catholic but was not a practicing catholic at the time (and is no longer catholic now).

 

My FIL was insistent that we wait to get married until my dh went through the annulment process for his first marriage. He confronted me over it telling me our marriage would not be recognized by the catholic church if we did not get his first marriage annuled. My response? I smiled swetly and said "I'm not all that concerned about what the catholic church does and does not recognize." And then I walked away.

 

That is pretty much how I handle all conversations with my in-laws. ;) The key is having the confrontation without being confrontational IYKWIM.

[Tarreymere]

If they are that passive-aggressive and manipulative as you say, one confrontation really wouldn't be a 'once and for all' kind of thing as you are hoping. It would just give them more of a hook to try to drag you further into their manipulations and open up whole new levels of crap. It probably annoys them very much that you are remaining detached and disinterested, hence the increased manipulations to try to draw you back in. If I were you I would just keep on keeping my distance.

[Guest CarolineUK]

That is pretty much how I handle all conversations with my in-laws. ;) The key is having the confrontation without being confrontational IYKWIM.

 

:lol: I think I would have to practice very hard to pull that off! I'm sure it's very effetive though, I envy you.

[Guest CarolineUK]

If they are that passive-aggressive and manipulative as you say, one confrontation really wouldn't be a 'once and for all' kind of thing as you are hoping. It would just give them more of a hook to try to drag you further into their manipulations and open up whole new levels of crap.

 

Yes, I think that's one of the things I most fear. It can be very hard sometimes to stay detached though.

[mommaduck]

Yes, I think that's one of the things I most fear. It can be very hard sometimes to stay detached though.

It can take a long time of not giving a reaction before those types of people learn to back off. They will try hard to get a reaction, because they can't stand not having that "control" over you and not creating drama in people's lives. You've become a challenge for them at the moment. Keep strong, eventually they will get bored and find a new victim. Expect this to be a back and forth thing and continue to ignore. Let everything go through your husband...I mean EVERYTHING.

[lulubelle]

That is tough. I too decided years ago to just do as little as possible towards my IL. My husband deals with them. He is fine with it. I've never felt part of their family.

 

I think you've done the right thing. Confrontation can just be too extreme and I'm sure they are not getting any younger. It's really your husband who needs to stand up for you in front of his own parents. He needs to confront them about how they treat you. He sounds like he supports you, but may not stand up for you in front of them? If this is impossible for him to do, then maybe limit the amount of time your family spend with them. Do you think your husband has truly "left" his family for you?

[kalanamak]

Yes, I think that's one of the things I most fear. It can be very hard sometimes to stay detached though.

 

I find that saying nothing spur of the moment helps. If you get a letter, calm down before responding. If they say something to your face, take a slow breath, lower your voice, and say no, and that you don't appreciate rudeness, and walk away. Out the door if necessary. With people like that I am very cautious about being "stuck" with them, like on holiday. :001_smile:

 

I would be a woman of few, firm, emotionless words, and then put the receiver down. Sorry :grouphug: they learned such poor manners growing up.

[justamouse]

It can take a long time of not giving a reaction before those types of people learn to back off. They will try hard to get a reaction, because they can't stand not having that "control" over you and not creating drama in people's lives. You've become a challenge for them at the moment. Keep strong, eventually they will get bored and find a new victim. Expect this to be a back and forth thing and continue to ignore. Let everything go through your husband...I mean EVERYTHING.

:iagree::iagree:

 

Yup.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[simka2]

I could have written your post a couple years ago.

 

Dh ended up having to gently confront, but firmly laying down the groundrules with his parents. Basically, telling them to leave me alone.

 

Things got worse for awhile, more family members got dragged in...but dh was awesome. He didn't respond to them as the issue was between us and his parents.

 

Eventually, they stopped and won't speak to either of us. It has been 2 very peaceful years that I wouldn't trade, but occasionaly I feel for my kids.

 

Their reaction to our setting up boundaires just reinforced our need of them in the first place.

[Hoggirl]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I happen to have a delightful mother-in-law, but a dreadful father-in-law. I can relate to MANY of the things which you have written about.

 

Over the course of the years of our marriage, I have had confrontations with my father-in-law, but I have not had one in awhile. He is not. going. to. change. Ever. Confrontations really do no good. Over and over again, I have had people tell me that I cannot control how someone else behaves, only how I react to them. But, it is so hard. I can always anticipate what will happen and it always does. One would think that I would be able to handle it better since his behavior always turns out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, but instead, it seems to make it worse. If there is any consolation, my f-i-l treats everyone badly, not just me. Are your in-laws like this, or have they singled you out?

 

I agree with other posters who say your husband needs to deal with this. But, if he hasn't drawn a line in the sand by now, my guess is that it isn't going to happen. My dh will not stand up to his father. He just won't. In fact, no one in their family will stand up to him. He is a bully and a controller. Yes, yes, on the passive-aggressive stuff. AND on the manipulation. He also knows to "strike" when my dh isn't around. Part of the difficulty for me is the fact that I feel like my husband doesn't "defend" me. Perhaps this is also upsetting you deep down, too???? Of course, it is hard for dh to defend when fil does his thing when dh isn't around. Dh has done it occasionally, but not as often as I would like.

 

I also know what you mean about spending every holiday with people you don't care to be around. Both of my parents died before I was married so ALL holidays are spent with his family. I commend you for being able to stay away from the as long as you have. The only thing that "saves" me is how wonderful my m-i-l is. I am sorry both of your in-laws are beastly to deal with. However, I will say that, out of respect for your husband, you do need to see them occasionally. I would decide the bare minimum I could tolerate and commit to that but no more. If you can only bear it once a year, that is all I would do.

 

Honestly, I just take my Jack Daniels and pour a drink as soon as f-i-l starts in.

 

I can offer no advice, just sympathy. :grouphug:

[Remudamom]

You can either ignore them and do your own thing or take them on. You're the only one that can figure out which approach will work the best for you. I've done both.

[kalphs]

I don't get on with my in-laws. I have known them now for 14 years and up until about a year ago I had tried very hard to get on with them and to please them. A year ago I decided I'd had enough. Maybe now I'm heading into my late forties it no longer feels quite right to be always bending over backwards to please people who obviously don't care about me, who are critical, controlling and manipulative. Maybe I just can't tolerate all the passive-aggressive goings on with them. Whatever, I'm absolutely certain I really don't want to deal with them anymore.

 

For almost a year this has worked fine. DH has agreed that they're his family and he'll deal with them. He and the boys can go to see them whenever they want, I'm even happy for them to come here so long as I have the minimum to do with them and they don't mess me around (which they tend to). MIL, however, seems determined not to let me be and ever since just before Christmas has been poking and prodding trying to get a reaction out of me - and always indirectly in letters, or cards to other members of the family, and such like, she's never called me directly herself to talk (she hasn't spoken to me in a year). Over Christmas arrangements were chopped and changed and messed around so much, it seemed with the aim of forcing me to do something I didn't want to, that it put quite a strain on me and my marriage. I just wish they'd live and let live and leave me alone, but I feel that won't happen until I'm forced into some sort of confrontation, which I don't want and, quite honestly, I'm fearful of.

 

So my question to all you ever wise ladies is, is there a way I can think about all of this which might help me to can remain detached and unstressed and not angry and resentful? Or would you go for a confrontation and put an end to it once and for all, but risk it getting ugly (and I'm not an emotionally strong person I regret to say, the spine is a bit jelly-like)? I do keep trying to entertain the possibility of going back to the way we were before and pretend we're all one happy family while getting pushed around by them and being made to spend every single holiday in their company. I just can't.

:grouphug:

Dh and I have had similar problems with his parents.

His parents are exactly like Richard and Hyancinth Bucket on the BBC television comedy, "Keeping Up Appearances" complete with Sheridan, Rose, Onslo and Daisy.

I have empathy for Elizabeth and Emmett.

Dh and I have set boundaries with his family and stand firm in our decisions.

Because of our stance towards their behavior and 8 hours of driving distance we see them maybe 3-4 times a year.

Why can't everyone's inlaws be like Lionel and Jean on the BBC series, "As Time Goes By?"

Edited January 21, 2011 by kalphs

[Kate CA]

You have said a few things in your posts that are say a lot about why your MIL is continuing to try to get a reaction about of you. 1. The backbone issue - she is used to controlling you and doesn't like it that you are growing one and using it. 2. You seem to believe that a confrontation is going to solve things. I just finished reading most of The Gift of Fear - I highly recommend you read it. Your MIL has grown used to controlling you and she is testing you to see how far you will go before she regains that control. Your best response to her harassing comments is no response at all. If you respond to her continued harassment, she has learned what it takes to get you back under her control. It is all a control issue. You are in control of you--keep it that way.

 

I know it is very difficult to handle such a person and is probably a great source of grief to you. I don't think husbands feel what we feel even when it is their own parents. At least my own dh seems to allow these kinds of things to go over him like water off a duck's back. It took me years to process things that hurt from extended family that he just brushed off. There came a time that I said that he had to deal with that person *all* the time - all the phone calls, all the visits, etc. I was not willing to "go there" anymore. In time things changed and this person isn't like that anymore.

 

If I was in your shoes, I would have a long long talk with my dh. I think that is frankly the key. If he is allowing you to be treated poorly - that is a marriage issue, not a MIL/FIL issue. I would not allow my children to be regularly exposed to someone who spoke poorly of or mistreated my husband so why would he allow the same? I would not want my children to think this was acceptable behavior--ever--because it isn't. We don't allow strangers to treat us poorly, or work associates to treat us poorly, or our own children to treat us poorly, but we allow *family* to do so? That doesn't make any sense at all. Your children are learning a LOT by watching this go on and I highly recommend you learn to send the right messages to them rather than let them think you are not worth the trouble. You ARE worth it.

[kalphs]

I could have written your post a couple years ago.

 

Dh ended up having to gently confront, but firmly laying down the groundrules with his parents. Basically, telling them to leave me alone.

 

Things got worse for awhile, more family members got dragged in...but dh was awesome. He didn't respond to them as the issue was between us and his parents.

 

Eventually, they stopped and won't speak to either of us. It has been 2 very peaceful years that I wouldn't trade, but occasionaly I feel for my kids.

 

Their reaction to our setting up boundaires just reinforced our need of them in the first place.

:iagree:

As the saying goes "Actions speak louder words."

[redsquirrel]

If they are that passive-aggressive and manipulative as you say, one confrontation really wouldn't be a 'once and for all' kind of thing as you are hoping. It would just give them more of a hook to try to drag you further into their manipulations and open up whole new levels of crap. It probably annoys them very much that you are remaining detached and disinterested, hence the increased manipulations to try to draw you back in. If I were you I would just keep on keeping my distance.

 

That.

 

The more you slip out of their control, the more they try to get you back. It may take a while but just stay away. Eventually, they will find someone else.

[kalphs]

It may take a while but just stay away. Eventually, they will find someone else.

:iagree:

Hyancinth and Richard have complete control over Sheridan and his family.

[Guest CarolineUK]

Thank you so much everyone, you have all helped enormously. I have been brooding on this problem ever since their antics over Christmas, and then another incident a couple of days ago made me feel that I had to do something or I'd never be left in peace. Your comments have helped me realise that I was probablly doing the right thing by distancing myself from them, and you've all made me feel very supported, I can't thank you enough. With my own mother, who has now passed away, if we ever had any problem with each other we always confronted it and worked it out, but I suppose that was our family tradition in the way that DH's family tradition is passive-aggressive. DH's brother's ex-wife was also treated very poorly by them and I have no doubt that MIL was a bit contributor to the failure of their marriage. I don't talk to my ex-SIL about it out of loyalty to DH, but sometimes I'd love to :D. DH has made it very clear that I'm the most important person to him, but I do feel that he's very torn sometimes, I understand it's difficult for him.

 

So, I'll carry on not reacting to the provocation, even though it's tough sometimes - now, when it gets very tough I'll re-read this thread and all your wonderful wisdom. Thank you.

[TXMomof4]

If they are that passive-aggressive and manipulative as you say, one confrontation really wouldn't be a 'once and for all' kind of thing as you are hoping. It would just give them more of a hook to try to drag you further into their manipulations and open up whole new levels of crap. It probably annoys them very much that you are remaining detached and disinterested, hence the increased manipulations to try to draw you back in. If I were you I would just keep on keeping my distance.

 

 

:iagree: One of the wisest things I've ever heard was the phrase, "Don't cause chaos." When you're trying to decide what to do, think 'Will this improve the situation or make it worse? I may feel better but will things actually change?' If you can't answer that the situation will be significantly better and changed, avoid the confrontation. I've had to do this many times the last few months and it is hard, but nothing I say will change the individuals involved and allowing my frustration to speak will only give them ammunition for more problems. Avoid at all costs!

[Shifra]

I found Miss Manners' Guide to Rearing Children by Judith Martin extremely helpful with tips for handling difficult relatives firmly but politely. One tip that she gave is that when in-laws give advice that they expect you to follow but you are not going to do, ask "so why do you think this is the best approach?" Listen (or not), but don't argue. When they ask you why you don't follow their advice, say, "I'm still thinking about that. Why did you say that was the best approach?" As Miss Manners put it, this is the perfectly correct way of driving irritating relatives crazy :lol:.

[mommaduck]

I found Miss Manners' Guide to Rearing Children by Judith Martin extremely helpful with tips for handling difficult relatives firmly but politely. One tip that she gave is that when in-laws give advice that they expect you to follow but you are not going to do, ask "so why do you think this is the best approach?" Listen (or not), but don't argue. When they ask you why you don't follow their advice, say, "I'm still thinking about that. Why did you say that was the best approach?" As Miss Manners put it, this is the perfectly correct way of driving irritating relatives crazy :lol:.

Oooh, love it.

[Negin]

I don't get on with my in-laws.

Caroline, I have not yet had time to read any of the responses. Sorry you've been going through this. You're definitely not the only one. :grouphug:

 

So my question to all you ever wise ladies is, is there a way I can think about all of this which might help me to can remain detached and unstressed and not angry and resentful? Or would you go for a confrontation and put an end to it once and for all, but risk it getting ugly (and I'm not an emotionally strong person I regret to say, the spine is a bit jelly-like)? I do keep trying to entertain the possibility of going back to the way we were before and pretend we're all one happy family while getting pushed around by them and being made to spend every single holiday in their company. I just can't.

I'm very much not a confrontational type of person, having been raised in Britain, and considering myself quite British ... confrontations scare me.

What has worked for me, and is obviously not a possibility for you or most, is living far, far away.

Boundaries are important. They're obviously not the type to just pop in or call all the time, I assume? So that in itself is good.

I would most certainly draw the line if they try to drive the kids between you and them.

I would try to meet with them only on your turf, your territory.

If they write or say things or the attacks get personal, you do need to stand up for yourself. That, I have no problem doing. I've also changed since entering my 40s. You are not a child anymore and do not need to be treated like one.

Sorry to say this, but your dh may need to always be there when mil is around. Always. He may need to act like a buffer. She should have zero access and opportunity to attack you. Your time alone with either of them should be very minimal, if at all.

I do have a list of come-backs/responses for when people are rude or mean. Most of it concerns homeschooling. But I think it can be applied to all situations.

Yoga, deep breathing, and some supplements help deal with the stress of such awful rubbish. I'm so sorry that you have to go through all this :grouphug:. I'm sure others have far better advice.

Not answering the phone helps. Not responding to any correspondence helps also. Oftentimes, the best way to deal with meanness is to simply ignore them. Drives them nuts. They're looking to get you riled up and upset.

[Negin]

One of the wisest things I've ever heard was the phrase, "Don't cause chaos." When you're trying to decide what to do, think 'Will this improve the situation or make it worse? I may feel better but will things actually change?'

.. nothing I say will change the individuals involved and allowing my frustration to speak will only give them ammunition for more problems. Avoid at all costs!

:iagree:

Brilliant and wise advice.

I need to copy and paste that.

 

I found Miss Manners' Guide to Rearing Children by Judith Martin extremely helpful with tips for handling difficult relatives firmly but politely. One tip that she gave is that when in-laws give advice that they expect you to follow but you are not going to do, ask "so why do you think this is the best approach?" Listen (or not), but don't argue. When they ask you why you don't follow their advice, say, "I'm still thinking about that. Why did you say that was the best approach?" As Miss Manners put it, this is the perfectly correct way of driving irritating relatives crazy :lol:.

Very good advice. Copying and pasting this also.

 

I just finished reading everyone's posts. Great advice from all.

 

Thinking of you and hoping that they can leave you alone soon and move on. It's so hard, I know. :grouphug:

[Holly IN]

I don't get on with my in-laws.

 

put quite a strain on me and my marriage. I just wish they'd live and let live and leave me alone, but I feel that won't happen until I'm forced into some sort of confrontation, which I don't want and, quite honestly, I'm fearful of.

 

So my question to all you ever wise ladies is, is there a way I can think about all of this which might help me to can remain detached and unstressed and not angry and resentful? Or would you go for a confrontation and put an end to it once and for all, but risk it getting ugly (and I'm not an emotionally strong person I regret to say, the spine is a bit jelly-like)? QUOTE]

 

I am in a very similair situation as you. My dh had put a stop to this last Christmas. He finally put his foot down with his parents. Also put his foot down over a sister in law (his brother's wife) who has ruined my character to his parents. So after 19 years he finally had enough and had a very long talk with his parents. They still do not talk to me and that is fine. My fil still won't give me respect. Now they know how their son feels about them treating me this way.

 

I would like to know if your dh is bothered by the pushing and stuff from his parents they are doing to you? Can he confront them? Personally I would not go for confrontation by yourself. Your dh needs to do that.

 

Holly

[MelanieM]

I'm going to share my favourite Wayne Dyer quote with you: "What other people think of me is none of my business." :grouphug:

 

I think the fact that things have ramped up a bit are perhaps a sign of your MIL testing the new boundaries. Just like our kids will do when we set new rules for them... they'll push and push to make sure we really mean it, and to see if there's some loophole that will still get them their own way. Standing firm, with love and kindness, is always the best way to show serious committment to a decision.

 

I also think you might find some peace if you can see your MIL as a person who is obviously hurting herself, and try as much as possible to just send love and light her way whenever you think of her. People only treat others poorly when they are hurting deeply themselves, and you can be sure that any ugliness she is extending outward is only a fraction of what she is experiencing inside, directed toward herself. Again, like with our kids, when they are the most horrible is truly when they need love the most. Not that you need to cross your own boundaries to show that love... remember to love yourself enough to put your needs as a top priority, and just focus on love and grace, even if only inwardly, when you deal with these situations.

 

Sending you lots of love and support, and trusting that you will all find a way to move through this with grace, love and ease. :grouphug:

[texasmama]

I dislike my MIL very much for many reasons. Fortunately, everyone else dislikes her, too. Dh, his siblings and their spouses feel the same way I do, which is very affirming. How does your dh feel about his parents? Will he set limits with them on your behalf regarding their inappropriate behavior? In my situation, that has been the most effective...combined with restricting contact with the grandkids when she disrespects me or crosses one of the boundaries we have set. She only understands a big "push" back - subtleties are totally lost on her. And the big pushes back only last for a certain amount of time and must be repeated.

 

True story...When you take my kids for the day, say you will have them back at 5 pm and are unreachable until 6:30, don't bother to call so we know that they are okay, then I find out that you have taken them to a relative's house, fed them food that they are not allowed to have for allergy reasons and left all three of them unsupervised in a backyard with a pool when none of them swim, you get a BIG push back and limited contact with my kids. Respect me and my husband and our requests or you don't get to interact with any of us. Dh dealt with that one. We were both worried sick.

[Anita in NC]

We live 800 miles away from my husband's mother and she still manages to to cause trouble.

 

I have given up talking to her. I screen all my phone calls and WILL NOT talk to her again. She has in the past yelled, moaned, given me attitude and hung up on me.

 

I very much doubt that we will ever visit again either. Even on visits she has had temper tantrums when things didn't go her way or if someone said something she doesn't like.

 

She however continues to call and stress out my husband. I told him he should stop talking to her or just deal with her via email. I also feel that I am portrayed as the bad guy. My husband tries to please his mother and will say, "Well, I'll have to ask Anita about that." I wish he would say that is a dumb request mother or don't ask me again about .......

 

If I was you I would be tempted to just have it out because at this point you don't have anything to lose.

[Guest CarolineUK]

True story...When you take my kids for the day, say you will have them back at 5 pm and are unreachable until 6:30, don't bother to call so we know that they are okay, then I find out that you have taken them to a relative's house, fed them food that they are not allowed to have for allergy reasons and left all three of them unsupervised in a backyard with a pool when none of them swim, you get a BIG push back and limited contact with my kids. Respect me and my husband and our requests or you don't get to interact with any of us. Dh dealt with that one. We were both worried sick.

 

Yes, last time my MIL took my eldest two to stay with them (they live a two hour drive away), first of all she took off in her car from our driveway without even letting me say goodbye to them, then didn't let them phone in the two days they were away (I suppose I could have phoned them, but didn't out of bloody-mindedness because I knew she'd then moan about me being an over-protective mother). When we went to pick them up we found that she'd given them to my BIL and his girlfriend who'd taken them to an enormous theme park (which had a huge lake in its grounds) and lost DS9 (then 6 years old) for 45 minutes. Both boys looked terrible, their hair dull and matted for some reason, covered in bruises and scratches from where they'd slipped down a riverbank while fishing with MIL and FIL. Oh, and they tell me that Granny told them not to put seatbelts on in her car because it was more fun without (and she drives like a lunatic). That was the last time I've let them stay on their own.

 

A couple of pps have asked how DH handles them, well he's a very placid man, and he is that way with everyone, he has never as much as raised his voice to me in all the time I've known him, and is very soft with DC (which can be lovely and can be infuriating, depending on the situation :D). He has a rather distant, formal relationship with them which he attributes to his having been sent away to boarding school at the age of 8. His mother is a very forceful personality, when she decides that something is going to happen then nothing will derail her, and DH seems to prefer to just let her get on with it. He loves his parents, but doesn't really bother to keep in touch with them much, that always used to my task, and now that I refuse to do it, and don't even bother to remind him to, then he just doesn't seem to think about it, I'm sure that's annoying MIL too. I do encourage him to take the boys to see them (apart from anything else it gives me a break, I like time alone and don't get it very much), but without me driving it, it just doesn't happen anymore.

 

They have upset a number of other people I know, but living two hours away from them we don't get to see a lot of the same people as they do (probably very fortunately). They are very affluent and very obviously think themselves a 'cut above' everyone else (MIL more so). As I said previously they treated my ex-SIL very poorly, almost from the start, before she and BIL were even married, and they hated ex-SIL's family (who were even more affluent, but 'nouveau riche' according to MIL - sour grapes?).

 

Thank you again everyone for sharing your experiences and advice, it's very much appreciated.

 

Negin, the reminder of how good yoga is for stress was great, it's something I used to practice daily in my days before I got taken over by the demands of four little boys, I think I really need to make time for it again :001_smile:. (And looking forward to hearing how your holiday plans are going, hope we'll still see you).

[Negin]

Negin, the reminder of how good yoga is for stress was great, it's something I used to practice daily in my days before I got taken over by the demands of four little boys, I think I really need to make time for it again :001_smile:. (And looking forward to hearing how your holiday plans are going, hope we'll still see you).

Caroline, thinking of you a lot and hoping and praying that all goes well. :grouphug: I can't stand this sort of stuff. :confused:

You've gotten such wonderful advice.

I love the Wayne Dwyer quote that MelanieM posted and what she said about standing firm with loving kindness. Good reminder. I copied and pasted her post to keep and refer to often.

Will let you know about our holiday plans. Still a bit up in the air. ;) Really hope to see you, but not sure if it will work out. You are so sweet and so kind. :grouphug:

I'm just so sorry that you have to go through all this. The theme park nightmare story you posted above - that sort of thing just infuriates me. :glare:

[Danestress]

That sounds very unpleasant.

 

I think formal and distant sounds really good. Stress on distant:)

[Pam B]

I know how ya feel! Is what I do, I write letters. In a letter you are able to say everything you want to say. Rewrite it how you want to, until it is just the way you want it to be, then give it to them.

 

It really gets a load off!! No interuptions, nothing, just the full-on facts from your point of view. I usually start off by telling who ever it is, that I am writing this because I WANT to get everything out in the open. I also inclide my mood at the time. NEVER write it when you're mad. NEVER! You'll say things you don't need to say- or in a way that is not good.

 

ALWAYS wait to send the letter, say a day maybe. But don't just write it and send it. You may regrret how or what you said.

 

DON'T have your DH read it. Don't tell him about it. DO make a copy of it. Because they WILL say you said something and you will have proof (for DH) you did not.

 

:D

[Catwoman]

I do encourage him to take the boys to see them (apart from anything else it gives me a break, I like time alone and don't get it very much), but without me driving it, it just doesn't happen anymore.

 

I'm glad to hear the visits aren't really happening any more, as your MIL sounds like a bit of a loon. I don't quite understand why you would have ever encouraged your dh to take your sons to see your MIL when all she does is cause trouble. If you want time alone, have dh take the kids to a movie or to the park; don't involve your MIL at all.

 

It sounds like the best response to her is no response at all. Don't answer the phone when you know it's her -- and if she catches you on the phone, say you're on your way out and the kids are already in the car so you have to hang up... BYE! Don't respond to emails, letters, or comments she has made to other family members.

 

I'm not known as a non-confrontational person, so I would have stopped her in her tracks years ago, but I understand that you and your dh are uncomfortable with laying your cards on the table and telling your MIL what you really think, so the only option I can come up with is to simply pretend she doesn't exist. And that includes birthdays and holidays.

 

If your dh can't stand up to his mom, it can be a huge problem and can cause tremendous stress between the two of you, so avoiding her would seem to be the best course of action.

 

Sorry you have to deal with her. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Cat

[Anne in CA]

I didn't read every single reply, although the ones I read were all good. I also am in the camp that says a confrontation just drags you down. My step daughter's mother and relatives were very controling and tried to hurt my family to no end. I won. I did the passive agressive thing to a new level.

 

Every time they tried to tell me what was wrong with my family or my choices I responded with, "Oh, I'm sorry you misunderstand this situation. Our lives are wonderful and we are very happy. You just don't know how good our lives are and how happy we are. Did I mention how happy we are? Did I mention how wonderful everything is?"

 

"You don't like me homeschooling your grand daughter? Well, it's our choice and it's going so well and we're all happy. If you understood you would love it. I'm sorry you don't understand. We are very, very happy."

 

There was no where they could go with that. They were left having to be more and more crazy to defend their acusations and behavior, and after a few months of this none of them ever really spoke to me again. The truth is that they are all very unhappy people who just didn't want our family to be happy. I also got really good at smiling really big.

[kalanamak]

 

ALWAYS wait to send the letter, say a day maybe. But don't just write it and send it. You may regrret how or what you said.

 

 

I'm a huge fan of the letter, and I have someone not involved with the situation....someone with a cool head, read it for me, to make sure I'm not using any "loaded" language. Or, think how you would speak to a judge to express your plans. Be that cool.

 

(e.g. "While I acknowledge my children have never come to harm in your care, I believe that X and Y, resulting in Z, is too risky to repeat. I feel I have been unable to get A and B across to you, and until we have a better understanding, the children can only visit under N circumstances. I do appreciate your understanding in this situation.)

[Impish]

You can either ignore them and do your own thing or take them on. You're the only one that can figure out which approach will work the best for you. I've done both.

:iagree:

:iagree:

Hyancinth and Richard have complete control over Sheridan and his family.

Not often I run across a 'Keeping Up Appearances' reference

 

Do say hello to Mrs. Bucket!

[Ritsumei]

It can take a long time of not giving a reaction before those types of people learn to back off. They will try hard to get a reaction, because they can't stand not having that "control" over you and not creating drama in people's lives. You've become a challenge for them at the moment. Keep strong, eventually they will get bored and find a new victim. Expect this to be a back and forth thing and continue to ignore. Let everything go through your husband...I mean EVERYTHING.

:iagree:It can take a while, but I've seen this work. In my case it was a friend, rather than a family member, that was trying to create drama in my life. I did a lot of what you're doing: back off, be non-responsive, carefully non-dramatic. It drove her crazy. She cried, she stomped her feet, she said it isn't fair. She gradually found somewhere else to take the drama, and recently told my DH that she's really not all that interested in spending time with me anymore.

 

It's a bummer, really, because for a while there we had a great friendship, and I really enjoyed it. But she wasn't happy with what we had, she wanted... I'm not sure what she wanted, unless it was for me to be more like her, which I don't want. She was trying to recover from a lifetime of abuse, and I'm happy to help her leave it behind, but otherwise? No thanks. It's a bummer. The irony is, if she'd've played things differently she could have had the closeness she wanted from me, and I would have welcomed that, had it been my choice, rather than a demand she made; had it been me giving of myself on my terms, rather than the way she dictated. But now she's not even interested.

[MarinesWife]

I remember telling my husband one time, while visiting his mother, that if she said one more rude thing to me, I was walking out the door and he better be behind me.

 

Time has helped and the fact that we live far now and really hardly ever see them.

 

My dad is another one that is rotten to us. We just stopped visiting.

[Hedgehog]

I don't have any great advice Caroline.. just a :grouphug: I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It stinks. I'll pray for you.