kmacnchs Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Anyone have a relative or neighbor (close) that makes comments frequently that just make your jaw drop?!?!? My dad has made 3 since I got pg this last time that would be good sitcom material but people find it hard to believe me when I tell them (b/c of how outrageous they are). Here they are: When I was going through morning sickness, he did not want me coming over to their house b/c I was "throwing it [the pregnancy] in his face" when I got green...(he has not approved of ANY of our kids and has tried to 'punish' us in any way possible). I was nursing my newest (2 weeks old today!) last week and my dad offered to pay if my dh wanted a vasectomy and would throw in an extra $5,000 if we did it NOW! My dh is doing P90X (I am so proud of him) and I was just making casual conversation w/my dad about how well he is doing and my dad says (in front of my oldest), "Well, he better do something or you are going to be a widow before you know it". Really??? Really??? Argh! This is a vent thread - there was no point, just wanted to :001_huh: with others' sympathy? :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cricket Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 When I saw the title of your post, I was thinking, "Heck, that has to be one of the fun things about getting old--saying whatever you want." :001_smile: But what your dad is doing isn't being tactless. It's very hurtful and mean-spirited. What do you mean he doesn't approve of any of your dc? Did he expect you to never have children? I'd probably avoid him as much as possible if it were me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 :iagree: That's not tactless. . . that's vicious. ~ Alley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theYoungerMrsWarde Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 :grouphug: Don't feel bad about wanting to limit your children's time with him. Sounds like he wouldn't mind :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kirstin Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 I have one of those (dad). He needs to be fired from realtionship with you. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GypsieFamily Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Dh has a dad like that. We had kids young, so i was 18 when I got pregnant. My fil offered us $10,000 to buy him. When I choked, he asked if that wasn't high enough and would i settle for more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 :iagree: That's not tactless. . . that's vicious. ~ :iagree: I think a boundary needs to be set here. Something along the lines of, "I'm not interested in your opinion on this topic. If you persist in talking about it I'll have to leave." Or hang up, whichever is appropriate. Repeat as often as necessary in a calm, even voice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Sounds like this probably isn't your case, but saying whatever pops into one's head can be an early sign of dementia. I suppose that is less likely in your case since he's always been like that, but in general that is something I would suspect when a formerly tactful older person has turned into what you described. Terri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snickelfritz Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Well my grandma said something negative to my 1/2 Native American, niece about "Indians always....". She said something about my dd's birthmark, although I've blocked it (and, incidentally) my grandmother out. A random man at the grocery store looked at older dd and and asked what was wrong with her face. I explained it was a birthmark. He looked at younger dd and made a fuss over how beautiful she is. My mom gave my sister back some hot sauce she gave her in a Christmas basket. Apparently, it's dangerous. People are..... Interesting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kmacnchs Posted January 5, 2011 Author Share Posted January 5, 2011 When I saw the title of your post, I was thinking, "Heck, that has to be one of the fun things about getting old--saying whatever you want." :001_smile: But what your dad is doing isn't being tactless. It's very hurtful and mean-spirited. What do you mean he doesn't approve of any of your dc? Did he expect you to never have children? I'd probably avoid him as much as possible if it were me. Well, dd1 was a honeymoon baby, which they thought was CRAZY and said I should be done (I was 23). dd2 was 16 mo later and again, we're crazy, etc., etc. They get angrier with each one and my dad says it's b/c of finances that we shouldn't have anymore (even though we are not in debt). We have separated ourselves from them more and more as the years have gone by and so they get even more angry b/c there is less leverage :\ anywho... they think everyone should have 1 or 2(maybe) and they should be spaced 3-5 years apart - anything else is ridiculous... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Anyone have a relative or neighbor (close) that makes comments frequently that just make your jaw drop?!?!? Yep. My MIL! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
awtl Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 I'm so sorry that your dad is like that to you. My grandmother didn't want my mom to have us. She tried her best to get my mom to abort each one of us (3 of us kids altogether), and when that didn't work, she tried to get us adopted out. I don't get it. My mom and dad were married, in their twenties, it's not like they were having kids out of wedlock or financially irresponsible and things. She said that the more grandkids she had, the more Christmas presents she would have to buy... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kmacnchs Posted January 5, 2011 Author Share Posted January 5, 2011 I'm so sorry that your dad is like that to you.My grandmother didn't want my mom to have us. She tried her best to get my mom to abort each one of us (3 of us kids altogether), and when that didn't work, she tried to get us adopted out. I don't get it. My mom and dad were married, in their twenties, it's not like they were having kids out of wedlock or financially irresponsible and things. She said that the more grandkids she had, the more Christmas presents she would have to buy... yeah, my parents want to help pay for their grandkids' education and by having more, I am making it harder on them. I said we appreciate all the $$ you have put toward their education but please do not feel obligated to continue to contribute to the 529 (btw, my mom still works and makes over a million a year so it's not like they're strapped for cash) - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cricket Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 I'm so sorry that your dad is like that to you.My grandmother didn't want my mom to have us. She tried her best to get my mom to abort each one of us (3 of us kids altogether), and when that didn't work, she tried to get us adopted out. I don't get it. My mom and dad were married, in their twenties, it's not like they were having kids out of wedlock or financially irresponsible and things. She said that the more grandkids she had, the more Christmas presents she would have to buy... yeah, my parents want to help pay for their grandkids' education and by having more, I am making it harder on them. I said we appreciate all the $$ you have put toward their education but please do not feel obligated to continue to contribute to the 529 (btw, my mom still works and makes over a million a year so it's not like they're strapped for cash) - UGH! I can't imagine someone saying such horrible things to their own children. wow....just wow. :grouphug: Bad enough that they think it, let alone dump that on you. Nasty. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 (he has not approved of ANY of our kids and has tried to 'punish' us in any way possible). None of his business. Sounds really, REALLY self-centered. My belligerent GM was unhappy for some reason of the half dozen GC (she'd had only one). They kept me a secret until I was born, and my father told her my name was "Finis". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicole M Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 (edited) None of his business. Sounds really, REALLY self-centered. Yup. My belligerent GM was unhappy for some reason of the half dozen GC (she'd had only one). They kept me a secret until I was born, and my father told her my name was "Finis". Sad about keeping marvelous you a secret, but Finis is pretty darned funny! My dad offered to give me $5,000 to get a divorce from my "lazy" husband. I was mortally offended, but now I wish I'd taken the cash and run with it. :D My children, by the way, have no contact with my dad. Frankly, they are fine with that. Edited January 5, 2011 by Nicole M Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Well I wouldn't say any of these things. BUt one of these comments made me think about grandchildren, which I do not have yet, thankfully (because none of my kids are married and two are too young anyway). What if one daughter had two kids and the other had six. Do I really have to give each equal value gifts? My natural inclination would be to give equally to the two families or maybe slightly more to the larger. But I really couldn't see giving three times the value of presents to the one girl. (THis is all hypothetical and I bet I will be left having only a few grandkids anyway). Just trying to figure it out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawana Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 What if one daughter had two kids and the other had six. Do I really have to give each equal value gifts? My natural inclination would be to give equally to the two families or maybe slightly more to the larger. QUOTE] You don't have to give any gift at all. Last I checked, gift giving was voluntary.;) But think about it from the child's POV. I'm worth less because my parents happen to have more children, and my cousins are worth more because their parents have fewer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 I have observed a lack of inhibition in making crazy comments as a sign of dementia in more than one old folk. . . It comes on for several years prior to signs dramatic enough to seek medical care. . . If this is new behavior (last 5 years or so), then I'd suggest trying to get him to get assessed. ((hugs)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5kidsforME Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Well I wouldn't say any of these things. BUt one of these comments made me think about grandchildren, which I do not have yet, thankfully (because none of my kids are married and two are too young anyway). What if one daughter had two kids and the other had six. Do I really have to give each equal value gifts? My natural inclination would be to give equally to the two families or maybe slightly more to the larger. But I really couldn't see giving three times the value of presents to the one girl. (THis is all hypothetical and I bet I will be left having only a few grandkids anyway). Just trying to figure it out. Yeah, this way of thinking makes no sense to me. We have 3 kids and my sil/bil have 5. I think each kid should get the same amount of gifts. Say my kids get 2 gifts I think their kids should get 2 gifts too. If you were to give the 5 any less, it makes it look like you disapprove of the others having more kids. If your child that has less kids gets upset...well they're just being selfish and greedy. Now if you were to give each family a set amount of money, that's different. My grandmother gives each of us (families) $75 at Christmas, regardless of how many children we all have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Well I wouldn't say any of these things. BUt one of these comments made me think about grandchildren, which I do not have yet, thankfully (because none of my kids are married and two are too young anyway). What if one daughter had two kids and the other had six. Do I really have to give each equal value gifts? My natural inclination would be to give equally to the two families or maybe slightly more to the larger. But I really couldn't see giving three times the value of presents to the one girl. (THis is all hypothetical and I bet I will be left having only a few grandkids anyway). Just trying to figure it out. I think you'd come to love each grandchild as individuals, so once the grandkids are actually born, you'd likely want to leave each an equal share. However, if not all the grandkids are 'popped' by the time you decease, then dividing by child makes more sense. I think wills are typically written that way while one's kids are still procreating. . . but might be revised once it is obvious all the kids are 'done'. I know that is the way my folks' wills were/are written (by kid, not by grandkid), but I expect that in 10-20 years or so, my mom's might get rewritten to essentially skip the child generation & go straight to the grandkids. Frankly, that's what I think makes the most sense if/when the 'kids' are financially secure. . . might as well spread the wealth down to the youngers (whether in an educational trust or direct cash if the grandkids are grown). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 I have observed a lack of inhibition in making crazy comments as a sign of dementia in more than one old folk. . . It comes on for several years prior to signs dramatic enough to seek medical care. . . If this is new behavior (last 5 years or so), then I'd suggest trying to get him to get assessed. ((hugs)) I have an aging family member who has been on pain meds for almost three years now. In the last year or so the safety net has been completely shredded... One never knows what this person will say or do next. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 For the sake of your kids (and your own peace of mind) I'd keep a VERY great distance from dear old dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBMama Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Anyone have a relative or neighbor (close) that makes comments frequently that just make your jaw drop?!?!? Yep, my MIL. When I was pregnant with DD1, MIL told my DH, my mother, a PartyLite consultant, and pretty much anyone else who would listen that she wished we had waited to have a baby until her mother died. Apparently, it was too much for her to handle all at once. FYI that was 5 years ago, and her mother just passed away this past summer. AND she (MIL's mother) was thrilled to have 2 great-granddaughters, one of whom is named after her. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 I'm so sorry that your dad is like that to you.My grandmother didn't want my mom to have us. She tried her best to get my mom to abort each one of us (3 of us kids altogether), and when that didn't work, she tried to get us adopted out. I don't get it. My mom and dad were married, in their twenties, it's not like they were having kids out of wedlock or financially irresponsible and things. She said that the more grandkids she had, the more Christmas presents she would have to buy... :blink: I literally don't know what to say to that... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 My mom gave my sister back some hot sauce she gave her in a Christmas basket. Apparently, it's dangerous. Apparently, your sister wasn't discreet enough when she added the cyanide to the bottle. ;) Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kmacnchs Posted January 5, 2011 Author Share Posted January 5, 2011 What if one daughter had two kids and the other had six. Do I really have to give each equal value gifts? My natural inclination would be to give equally to the two families or maybe slightly more to the larger. QUOTE] You don't have to give any gift at all. Last I checked, gift giving was voluntary.;) But think about it from the child's POV. I'm worth less because my parents happen to have more children, and my cousins are worth more because their parents have fewer. yeah, I'm not a very big present or holiday fan so I certainly do not expect a certain #/amount of presents or want them but even if I did, :iagree: with Lawana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2_girls_mommy Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Yes, I know people who think it is their right to comment on everything, with no boundaries. To this: BUt one of these comments made me think about grandchildren, which I do not have yet, thankfully (because none of my kids are married and two are too young anyway). What if one daughter had two kids and the other had six. Do I really have to give each equal value gifts? My natural inclination would be to give equally to the two families or maybe slightly more to the larger. But I really couldn't see giving three times the value of presents to the one girl. (THis is all hypothetical and I bet I will be left having only a few grandkids anyway). Just trying to figure it out. Please treat them all equally. My dad had 4 girls. His bro. had 2 kids spaced much further apart. It was so obvious to us as children that we were not the "favorites." My cousin who was between my sis and I (so the 3 of us were all basically the same age) would receive the same gift, for instance a Bible. But my sister's and mine were small plain brown ones. The cousin got a large beautiful Precious Memories one with pictures. I believe she was spending the same amount of $ on each family, so our family had that amount split between 4 girls. This type of thing went on our whole lives. Needless to say, we have no contact with her now. You don't want that to happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 :iagree: That's not tactless. . . that's vicious. ~ Alley :iagree: Dh has a dad like that. We had kids young, so i was 18 when I got pregnant. My fil offered us $10,000 to buy him. When I choked, he asked if that wasn't high enough and would i settle for more. :svengo: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kmacnchs Posted January 5, 2011 Author Share Posted January 5, 2011 I certainly don't wish it was dementia but then again, if there was a reason, it *may* be easier to swallow...He is a control freak - plain & simple. Even though he has never made a lot of $$ (my mom is the one who rakes it all in), he throws around their $$ in order to control us. When I was 18 (I think), he said he would pay me $10,000 if I would elope - so he wouldn't have to pay for a wedding. A few years later, he upped it to $20,000. I wish I could have taken him up on his offer but my mom wouldn't let me - she wanted a wedding. :glare: They offered to finance our house (essentially be our bank - we pay them back, w/interest & escrow) when we got married but when they found out we were pg, they took back their offer. I can't remember what they did when they found out about #s 2 & 3 but I know they did something - they always do... We have been so much on our own, they have less leverage than before but when they found out about our newest baby, they didn't invite us up to the lake house this summer but once (we used to be invited once or twice a month). I care but I don't care...the one thing I HATE are the comments around & to my kids. He even said one time, "three's a crowd" to my ds - he was only 1 so he didn't understand but it made me (and still does) SOOO MAD!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeneralMom Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Well, yes, both my parents, and my paternal g-ma Paternal G-ma would go on and on about how much she hated girls and was so thankful that she only had boys. She had 6 grandkids - 3 girls and 3 boys. She would say this to the roomful of us and then look at me and say "your not a typical girl, so you're okay". I always assumed it was coming out harsh because of some language/translation problem, but no. After I had my first two she congratulated me on having boys and warned me to stop in case I got girls because "not all girls are like you. most of them are b&^ches My mom has asked me to get rid of all my pregnancies, even the one we only told her about at 30 weeks ("not too late to change your mind and get rid of it, honey. You're so old there will have to be something wrong with it") My dad is the mildest and just says "better you than me, heck I didn't want any." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secular_mom Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Yep. My neighbor said, 'he's not real bright is he?' talking about my son who is a struggling reader. I avoid that person like the plague now. My grandfather said, 'You've really got that middle age spread, haven't you?' when we visited him for the first time in over a year at Christmas time. Gee, thanks for noticing me. Grrrrrrrrrr. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 I firmly believe in honoring and respecting your parents, but I think I would have to honor and respect from a good distance. I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wendylee Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 yeah, my parents want to help pay for their grandkids' education and by having more, I am making it harder on them. I said we appreciate all the $$ you have put toward their education but please do not feel obligated to continue to contribute to the 529 (btw, my mom still works and makes over a million a year so it's not like they're strapped for cash) - What in the world does your mother do that she makes that much? Please forgive my boldness, but my jaw dropped. Literally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kmacnchs Posted January 5, 2011 Author Share Posted January 5, 2011 What in the world does your mother do that she makes that much? Please forgive my boldness, but my jaw dropped. Literally. she sells labels? idk she's a sales rep for LOTS of companies (mostly pharmaceutical) and makes sure their labels, advertisements, etc. turn out looking good (color, etc.)...she is self-employed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBMama Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 I certainly don't wish it was dementia but then again, if there was a reason, it *may* be easier to swallow...He is a control freak - plain & simple. My MIL is also a control freak. She has to have her hand in everything. She gets so POed if we do not do things the way that she wants them done. She has yelled at us for buying a new vacuum, lawn mower, car, etc. without consulting her first. :confused: This Christmas we got FIL a heated mattress pad. We got the wrong size (didn't realize that his bed was x-long), and she has lectured DH and I multiple times about it since then. Apparently we are always supposed to call before we buy them a gift, and Christmas was ruined because of DH's thoughtlessness. (Ahhh, deep breath...) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SBMama Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Well, yes, both my parents, and my paternal g-ma Paternal G-ma would go on and on about how much she hated girls and was so thankful that she only had boys. She had 6 grandkids - 3 girls and 3 boys. She would say this to the roomful of us and then look at me and say "your not a typical girl, so you're okay". I always assumed it was coming out harsh because of some language/translation problem, but no. After I had my first two she congratulated me on having boys and warned me to stop in case I got girls because "not all girls are like you. most of them are b&^ches My mom has asked me to get rid of all my pregnancies, even the one we only told her about at 30 weeks ("not too late to change your mind and get rid of it, honey. You're so old there will have to be something wrong with it") My dad is the mildest and just says "better you than me, heck I didn't want any." My MIL goes on an on about how she wishes she had girls, and I'm so lucky to have girls. Girls are so much easier and more fun to be around than her boys were. She goes on and on right in front of her 2 sons like they aren't there. I can't believe that some of you mamas were told to "get rid" of your babies! That is beyond being rude. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Yep. My MIL! :iagree: Yep, MIL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theYoungerMrsWarde Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Wow, reading all of these are so sad, I had no idea there were people who said things like this! And here I thought it was bad when my grandma-in-law didn't want me to have more than 1 (or 2 now) because she thinks I can't handle it. (She only had 1) I just remembered, when my husband announced our engagement to his then alive Step-grandpa, his only question was "Is she white?":glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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