Grandparent dilemma...

[Nakia]

The backstory in a nutshell: My bio father left my mom, my brother, and me when I was 6. My mom remarried a wonderful man, when I was 8, who is my daddy. My bio father bounced in and out of our lives for about 9 more years, and when I was 15, I told him I had had enough. I didn't see him again until he showed up at my wedding 5 years later, intoxicated, to make a scene. I didn't see anyone on that side of my family until this past summer when my grandfather (bio father's father) was dying and asked to see me and my children. So I took them. My grandfather passed in November, and I have mended the relationship with my grandmother and cousins, who never did anything to me, but whom I cut out of my life because I was 15 and thought it was all or nothing, if you kwim. Anyway, my bio father is still like a stranger to me. I love him, I have forgiven him, but I don't know him. My kids have accepted him as their grandfather and love him, but they are super close to my step-dad, who is their papaw. But you know how kids are; they can't have too many grandparents. Anyway, the point is that it is a strained relationship, but we are all trying.

 

My bio father asked me last week if he could give our family money for Christmas, in addition to the gifts he has gotten our girls (digital cameras for the big girls and something else for Cora). I told him that he didn't have to do that, but he insisted that he wants to help with their education. Keep in mind he hasn't bought me a gift or sent a card for Christmas in 18 years, and he has never bought my kids a thing. So my husband and I told him that, yes, if he felt like he wanted to, we would appreciate a gift for Christmas.

 

Fast forward to this past Tuesday night. He sent me a facebook message and asked if my girls had a computer. I told him they don't have their own computer, but we have a family laptop. He asked me if he could get them one. I talked it over with Patrick, and sent my dad a very gracious reply that while we appreciate the offer very much, we didn't think it was a good idea because of their age. They don't need a computer, and they don't use the computer we have much. Guess what? Yesterday morning he showed up, unannounced with a desk top. I just stared at him, open mouthed. I told him that we said no. He said, "Nakia, I want the best for my granddaughters, and they need internet access, a place to download pictures, and they have to learn to type." I was honestly shocked and speechless. Believe me, I am hardly ever speechless. He stayed at my house for two hours (first time he has ever been here) and by the time he left, I had a migraine and an eye twitch.

 

I am not trying to sound ungrateful, but we said no about the computer. Our children are young, Anna is learning to type on the family computer. Our house is TINY, and we simply do not have room for another desk top. Anna is getting a desk for Christmas, but my 10 year old is not having a computer in her room. Sure, we can not hook internet up, but then what's the point? They don't need to play games. They can download their pictures on the family computer. We could buy our entire curriculum for next year with the money he spent on the computer.

 

AND WE SAID NO!! Why ask if you are going to do it anyway? If he wants to help, why not ask what we need? Part of the problem is me. I have memories of him bouncing in a few times a year and taking us to expensive restaurants, buying us expensive things, and then leaving. I don't want him trying to buy my children's love. They already love him.

 

Patrick is furious. He feels we have been completely disrespected, and he is right. I don't know what to do. I tried talking to my dad, but he won't listen. I honestly don't want to hurt his feelings. He lost his sister and his dad within two weeks. I know he hurts. I know he wants to make things right with me. He just won't listen to me.

 

I feel like we have a few options: take the computer back and get the money and use it for our curriculum, take it back and get a laptop so that they will have a computer but it takes up less room and we can monitor the use, or keep it even though we literally have nowhere to put it.

 

Help me out here, please. I'm sorry this is so long and crazy sounding. UGH! Welcome to the Christmas drama, Nakia!

[simka2]

I think you should feel free to take it back and spend the money as you see fit. :D

 

I would be going curriculum shopping, if I was sure they weren't ready for the lap top!!!

[Carol in Cal.]

Put it away until after Christmas. Don't show it to the children. Give yourself the time and space to think this through. Don't think about it until then--enjoy your Christmas peacefully. Sometimes procrastination is a good thing!

 

(And when you get to it, I'm with your DH. I would not be furious, but I would be taking it back and buying curriculum with the money. You don't want it, you said so, you were gracious about it, and you don't have room for it. It was disrespectful of your biodad to do this, but that seems to be what gp do a lot. Not that he should have.

 

An alternative might be to put it in his house. I am not clear whether your children visit there?

 

I am all for waiting on screen time and limiting it anyway.)

[MelanieM]

Hugs. So you have the option to take it back? Then do that and use the money how you see fit. If he asks about it later let him know that, as you had tried to explain previously, it simply wasn't the right gift for your family so you tried to honour the generous spirit behind the gift by purchasing X for their education.

 

Remember, it's not your job to make sure your father listens to you, or is ok with what you decide to do about your own children. You did all that could be expected by letting him know what you would prefer. Now you just need to continue to do what is best for your family, and stick to your guns.

[Lolly]

I would return it without thinking twice.

[Princess Peach]

Hoo boy, I'm not sure what I'd do!

 

But I'm all for waiting until after Christmas to deal with it.

[Mrs Mungo]

Hoo boy, I'm not sure what I'd do!

 

But I'm all for waiting until after Christmas to deal with it.

 

I tend to agree. I don't know what I'd do in this situation.

[Nakia]

I think you should feel free to take it back and spend the money as you see fit. :D

 

I would be going curriculum shopping, if I was sure they weren't ready for the lap top!!!

 

See, my mind agrees, but one part of me says it's his money, and it's not right to take it back and spend the money. I mean, it's not like I would spend it buying myself a new wardrobe. I would definitely use it for school stuff. But it just feels weird. It wasn't an expensive computer, but I'm sure he spent $500-600 on it.

 

Put it away until after Christmas. Don't show it to the children. Give yourself the time and space to think this through. Don't think about it until then--enjoy your Christmas peacefully. Sometimes procrastination is a good thing!

 

(And when you get to it, I'm with your DH. I would not be furious, but I would be taking it back and buying curriculum with the money. You don't want it, you said so, you were gracious about it, and you don't have room for it. It was disrespectful of your biodad to do this, but that seems to be what gp do a lot. Not that he should have.

 

An alternative might be to put it in his house. I am not clear whether your children visit there?

 

I am all for waiting on screen time and limiting it anyway.)

 

The girls were here when he brought it, and they saw it. They weren't excited or anything because they aren't all that interested in being on the computer. I guess "furious" wasn't the right word. Well...my husband has a hard time with the fact that my bio father walked out on his kids, so he has little tolerance for him anyway. I don't really know the right word, but he isn't happy. And no, my children do not, and will not, visit his home. He and his current wife are both alcoholics.

 

Hugs. So you have the option to take it back? Then do that and use the money how you see fit. If he asks about it later let him know that, as you had tried to explain previously, it simply wasn't the right gift for your family so you tried to honour the generous spirit behind the gift by purchasing X for their education.

 

Remember, it's not your job to make sure your father listens to you, or is ok with what you decide to do about your own children. You did all that could be expected by letting him know what you would prefer. Now you just need to continue to do what is best for your family, and stick to your guns.

 

We do have the option of taking it back. He purchased it at Walmart, and I called, and they said we could bring it back and get a gift card. So technically, since we cannot buy our curriculum at Walmart, we can use the gift card for groceries for the month, and then use our grocery money to buy our curriculum, if that makes sense.

Edited December 23, 2010 by Nakia

[Nakia]

I would return it without thinking twice.

 

And what would you say when he asked about it? I know he will. I HATE confrontation, and I hate hurting people's feelings.

 

Hoo boy, I'm not sure what I'd do!

 

But I'm all for waiting until after Christmas to deal with it.

 

Good idea...

 

I tend to agree. I don't know what I'd do in this situation.

 

Come on, Mrs. Mungo, you can do better than that. ;)

[Mama Geek]

I don't know how old your old computer is. If it is fairly old, could you just replace it with the new one?

 

That won't solve the problem if the same type of thing happens in the future though.

[Nakia]

I don't know how old your old computer is. If it is fairly old, could you just replace it with the new one?

 

That won't solve the problem if the same type of thing happens in the future though.

 

My computer is a Macbook, and it's just a couple of years old. That was a good suggestion, though. Thank you.

[5kidsforME]

I think that it may be more painful down the road if you don't deal with it this time. I think you should tell your father, thanks but you cannot accept it. If need be, be gently, bluntly honest. "Dad, you asked, we gave you an answer and you did what you wanted anyway. Dh and I feel disrespected that you went against our wishes." I'm afraid if you don't set precedence now with this you may have to deal with more situations like this in the future.

No disrespect to parents/grandparents/in-laws but sometimes when dealing with them it's like dealing with toddlers. :tongue_smilie: If you give in once or are not consistent they keep repeating their bad behavior.

 

I'm with everyone else, it's 2 days before Christmas, deal with it after.

[snickelfritz]

What about putting the money towards (or partially towards) computer software? Typing software, math games, etc... It maintains the spirit of his gift.

 

And I guess I would say that he doesn't know how to be a father, so why would he know how to be a grandfather? He's trying. Although, I would also be frustrated by his actions.

[Nakia]

I think that it may be more painful down the road if you don't deal with it this time. I think you should tell your father, thanks but you cannot accept it. If need be, be gently, bluntly honest. "Dad, you asked, we gave you an answer and you did what you wanted anyway. Dh and I feel disrespected that you went against our wishes." I'm afraid if you don't set precedence now with this you may have to deal with more situations like this in the future.

No disrespect to parents/grandparents/in-laws but sometimes when dealing with them it's like dealing with toddlers. :tongue_smilie: If you give in once or are not consistent they keep repeating their bad behavior.

 

I'm with everyone else, it's 2 days before Christmas, deal with it after.

 

Yes, I will deal with after Christmas. Must conserve sanity. But I KNOW he will not take it back. I just know. I tried to decline it when he brought it. He is hard headed. What then?

 

What about putting the money towards (or partially towards) computer software? Typing software, math games, etc... It maintains the spirit of his gift.

 

And I guess I would say that he doesn't know how to be a father, so why would he know how to be a grandfather? He's trying. Although, I would also be frustrated by his actions.

 

Good idea about the software. Thank you. And thank you for saying the part I bolded. You are right in a way. He does have a relationship with my brother and his two boys, so this is not all new to him. My brother says that I am like the new puppy right now and things will calm down. I hope so.

[Mama Geek]

My computer is a Macbook, and it's just a couple of years old. That was a good suggestion, though. Thank you.

 

I wouldn't trade my mac for a $600 pc either;). I hope you come up with a reasonable solution

[grace'smom]

I think if you return it he will get the message and he won't try that again. No further discussion is necessary.

[wendylee]

First of all, I love your name...Nakia.....so pretty. (yes, I've been eating a lot of fudge today, why do you ask?)

 

Second, my relationship with my bio dad sounds like yours. He moved to Oregon to "spoil the grandkids", yet in five years has seen them exactly once. And they live 90 minutes away.

 

Honestly, it sounds like he's trying. If my dad did something like that, I would be astonished and pleased. I know you guys said no, but he's trying. It doesn't make up for all the years he missed, but that's between him and God or whomever, kwim?

 

It's a hard situation no matter how you look at it.

[elegantlion]

What about putting the money towards (or partially towards) computer software? Typing software, math games, etc... It maintains the spirit of his gift.

 

And I guess I would say that he doesn't know how to be a father, so why would he know how to be a grandfather? He's trying. Although, I would also be frustrated by his actions.

 

:iagree: Tough situation :grouphug: I don't know what I would do.

[Hedgehog]

If this desktop present is Windows based, then the obvious answer is that your current collection of software isn't guaranteed to work on a PC, therefore the gift is unfortunately of no use to you. :D

 

I'd pop it in the basement or loft and leave it until after Christmas. Then I'd probably take it back to Walmart and have DH let bio-dad know that you'll be spending the money on curricula and educational supplies, and thank him for enabling you to do so. A fait accompli.

 

Btw - I don't like confrontation either!

[ChandlerMom]

Have you considered that maybe he'd already purchased the PC when he saw your reply? Or he may have been so happy to come up with a "great" idea for a gift (after all, little practice) he might have not felt up to trying to come up with anything else. Very guy thing to just plow forward.

 

I'd return it. I understand the desire to avoid confrontation, but if you keep it you're gonna be ticked every time you see it. That isn't exactly healthy, either.

 

So return it, and either (AFTER CHRISTMAS) tell you bio father:

1) you are putting the money aside for when the kids ARE old enough for a new computer,

2) have a list of things they DO need and ask if he wants to go through it with you so you can use the money for them on something he likes, or

3) tell him you want to use the money to buy the BEST curriculum, but if he's not ok with that he can have the Walmart gift card back.

 

I wouldn't return it outright to your bio father -- that would be highly confrontational and a slap in the face when he was, badly done or not, trying to give your kids a nice gift. I mean, it was nice he ASKED if they could use a computer, but if he had never asked, would you be so mad about him buying them one?

 

Honestly, in my book something is only a GIFT if there are no strings attached, which means that when he gave it to you he was implicitly saying you were now free to do with it what you will -- including return it or donate it or pack it away in the garage. You had told him you didn't want it, so I think there's no insult in returning it. It would be a terrible waste to NOT return it. What if he'd given them tennis rackets and you knew they'd never use them -- would you feel bad about returning them or somehow obligated ot now sign them up for tennis lessons? :D Choose to view this as a gift and dispose of it as best suits your kids and family.

 

Good luck!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Take it back and get the money

 

or

 

Donate it to a good cause.

[Renthead Mommy]

 

We do have the option of taking it back. He purchased it at Walmart, and I called, and they said we could bring it back and get a gift card. So technically, since we cannot buy our curriculum at Walmart, we can use the gift card for groceries for the month, and then use our grocery money to buy our curriculum, if that makes sense.

 

Do this. He's trying, but he's not trying very hard, or he would have listened to you and your reasons WHY you weren't interested in a computer for them. Especially if they showed little interest in it when he was there.

 

He asked to buy something "to help with their education." In his mind, this would help with their education. And to his benifit, in some families it would, but not yours because of where you currently are. He doesn't know you well enough to get that. Plus he probably thinks it makes him the "cool grandfather" getting them a computer. (Again, he doesn't know you/your kids well enough to get that it probabably won't in your case.) He probably even thinks he scored more points with your kids because he went and did it even thought you orginally said no.

 

But in reality, this won't work as 'school' for you and your family. Take it back guilt free. If you want to use it "to help with their education" then do what you were thinking with the gift cards for groceries or whatever else you normally would have bought, and put the money you saved in an envelope or something for when you do buy school needs.

 

If it ever actually comes up and he asks, just tell him "Thank you, I know you said it you wanted to help with their education. The computer wouldn't really accomplish that, but we were able to exchange it for things that do fit within what works for our homeschooling needs. And I appreciate your help."

 

Don't worry about making him happy. Don't worry about pissing him off. And don't let this set a standard of him being able to walk in when he pleases and ignore your wishes. You've got the computer now, you've got to deal with it. But also remember what Emily Post or Dear Abby or any or all of those types always say, once a gift is given, it is given. And how the reciever choses to use it is up to them and them alone. Once you give it, it's out of your hands.

 

If you had a real relationship with him, I might be more tackful with him. But then if you had a real relationship with him, you probably wouldn't have to worry about this in the first place.

 

Good luck. And I'm glad your girls reacted the way they did. If they'd actually been excited this would be a much harder thing to deal with. We've said no video games here at our house. I live in fear of FIL deciding he's just going to ignore us. My son would be thrilled, but for us it's impractical because I refuse to buy games for it (so an 8yo would have to save up for them HA!) and it would be a source of constant nagging to play.

[MelanieM]

If he won't take it back then you write a thank you note like this "Dear bio-dad, Thank you so much for wanting to help out with the girls' education. Since a computer is unnecessary at this time we have taken it back and will use the money to buy the next round of school books and some fun extras we have been wanting. This has been a great blessing to us!" Enclose pic of the girls with their new books if you like.

 

 

Yes, do this. It's not like he doesn't know you don't need/want the computer -- you told him as much. This is just a polite way of making sure he actually hears you, and I think it is a much more sensible use of a gift than letting it sit in the corner where you could give it the hairy eyeball 10x a day and think about how much of a dolt the giver was. If he gets upset about it, well, I guess that tells you even more about where his head is at.

[5kidsforME]

Yes, I will deal with after Christmas. Must conserve sanity. But I KNOW he will not take it back. I just know. I tried to decline it when he brought it. He is hard headed. What then?

 

 

 

I agree with the pp's. Return it and when asked tell him that a computer was not needed for their HS but all this great new curriculum you bought with the money is wonderful. :D

[katilac]

Dear Dad,

 

We aren't able to use the computer. We were able to return it and get a gift card. If you still want to give things for the girls' education, we will use it to buy books, games, and science kits that they will really enjoy and learn from. If not, you can come and pick up the gift card. Just let me know!

 

Thanks,

 

Your Patient and Polite Daughter

[Nakia]

I wouldn't trade my mac for a $600 pc either;). I hope you come up with a reasonable solution

 

Thank you.

 

I think if you return it he will get the message and he won't try that again. No further discussion is necessary.

 

I am pretty sure he will give me a guilt trip if he finds out. That's why I have to be prepared to tell him how' date=' when, why, and where, kwim?

 

First of all, I love your name...Nakia.....so pretty. (yes, I've been eating a lot of fudge today, why do you ask?)

 

Second, my relationship with my bio dad sounds like yours. He moved to Oregon to "spoil the grandkids", yet in five years has seen them exactly once. And they live 90 minutes away.

 

Honestly, it sounds like he's trying. If my dad did something like that, I would be astonished and pleased. I know you guys said no, but he's trying. It doesn't make up for all the years he missed, but that's between him and God or whomever, kwim?

 

It's a hard situation no matter how you look at it.

 

Yes, he is trying. I know he feels like he needs to make up for lost time. But you know what? The snarky side of me says that I am not responsible for that lost time. I don't want to be like that though because I have forgiven him. And now I need to let it go.

 

Oh, and thank you for the compliment on my name. I wish I was name Jane or Ann or Heather or something easy. :001_smile:

 

If he won't take it back then you write a thank you note like this "Dear bio-dad, Thank you so much for wanting to help out with the girls' education. Since a computer is unnecessary at this time we have taken it back and will use the money to buy the next round of school books and some fun extras we have been wanting. This has been a great blessing to us!" Enclose pic of the girls with their new books if you like.

 

OT - does the man not realize that you are a Mac girl?? There are standards. right?;)

 

He does know I am a Mac girl!!! And you know once you go Mac, you never go back. :lol: Thanks for the idea for the note. I like it.

 

If this desktop present is Windows based, then the obvious answer is that your current collection of software isn't guaranteed to work on a PC, therefore the gift is unfortunately of no use to you. :D

 

I'd pop it in the basement or loft and leave it until after Christmas. Then I'd probably take it back to Walmart and have DH let bio-dad know that you'll be spending the money on curricula and educational supplies, and thank him for enabling you to do so. A fait accompli.

 

Btw - I don't like confrontation either!

 

Thank you. I think I might just let my husband handle it. He does better at this than I do. I get sweaty and teary and fall to pieces. Not to mention, the ummm....bowel distress confrontation causes. :tongue_smilie:

[Nakia]

Have you considered that maybe he'd already purchased the PC when he saw your reply? Or he may have been so happy to come up with a "great" idea for a gift (after all, little practice) he might have not felt up to trying to come up with anything else. Very guy thing to just plow forward.

 

I'd return it. I understand the desire to avoid confrontation, but if you keep it you're gonna be ticked every time you see it. That isn't exactly healthy, either.

 

So return it, and either (AFTER CHRISTMAS) tell you bio father:

1) you are putting the money aside for when the kids ARE old enough for a new computer,

2) have a list of things they DO need and ask if he wants to go through it with you so you can use the money for them on something he likes, or

3) tell him you want to use the money to buy the BEST curriculum, but if he's not ok with that he can have the Walmart gift card back.

 

I wouldn't return it outright to your bio father -- that would be highly confrontational and a slap in the face when he was, badly done or not, trying to give your kids a nice gift. I mean, it was nice he ASKED if they could use a computer, but if he had never asked, would you be so mad about him buying them one?

 

Honestly, in my book something is only a GIFT if there are no strings attached, which means that when he gave it to you he was implicitly saying you were now free to do with it what you will -- including return it or donate it or pack it away in the garage. You had told him you didn't want it, so I think there's no insult in returning it. It would be a terrible waste to NOT return it. What if he'd given them tennis rackets and you knew they'd never use them -- would you feel bad about returning them or somehow obligated ot now sign them up for tennis lessons? :D Choose to view this as a gift and dispose of it as best suits your kids and family.

 

Good luck!

 

I am not 100% sure when he bought it actually. I just don't see why he asked if he was going to do it anyway. And if he had not asked, I probably wouldn't be so dang irritated because he wouldn't have known that they aren't ready for one. And another thing is that I have NEVER gotten a "no strings attached" gift from him. NEVER. :(

 

Thank you for responding. I like the options you listed.

 

Take it back and get the money

 

or

 

Donate it to a good cause.

 

I think the good cause should be our curriculum fund. :)

 

Do this. He's trying, but he's not trying very hard, or he would have listened to you and your reasons WHY you weren't interested in a computer for them. Especially if they showed little interest in it when he was there.

 

He asked to buy something "to help with their education." In his mind, this would help with their education. And to his benifit, in some families it would, but not yours because of where you currently are. He doesn't know you well enough to get that. Plus he probably thinks it makes him the "cool grandfather" getting them a computer. (Again, he doesn't know you/your kids well enough to get that it probabably won't in your case.) He probably even thinks he scored more points with your kids because he went and did it even thought you orginally said no.

 

But in reality, this won't work as 'school' for you and your family. Take it back guilt free. If you want to use it "to help with their education" then do what you were thinking with the gift cards for groceries or whatever else you normally would have bought, and put the money you saved in an envelope or something for when you do buy school needs.

 

If it ever actually comes up and he asks, just tell him "Thank you, I know you said it you wanted to help with their education. The computer wouldn't really accomplish that, but we were able to exchange it for things that do fit within what works for our homeschooling needs. And I appreciate your help."

 

Don't worry about making him happy. Don't worry about pissing him off. And don't let this set a standard of him being able to walk in when he pleases and ignore your wishes. You've got the computer now, you've got to deal with it. But also remember what Emily Post or Dear Abby or any or all of those types always say, once a gift is given, it is given. And how the reciever choses to use it is up to them and them alone. Once you give it, it's out of your hands.

 

If you had a real relationship with him, I might be more tackful with him. But then if you had a real relationship with him, you probably wouldn't have to worry about this in the first place.

 

Good luck. And I'm glad your girls reacted the way they did. If they'd actually been excited this would be a much harder thing to deal with. We've said no video games here at our house. I live in fear of FIL deciding he's just going to ignore us. My son would be thrilled, but for us it's impractical because I refuse to buy games for it (so an 8yo would have to save up for them HA!) and it would be a source of constant nagging to play.

 

Thank you so much!!

 

I agree with the pp's. Return it and when asked tell him that a computer was not needed for their HS but all this great new curriculum you bought with the money is wonderful. :D

 

Thanks!

 

Yes, do this. It's not like he doesn't know you don't need/want the computer -- you told him as much. This is just a polite way of making sure he actually hears you, and I think it is a much more sensible use of a gift than letting it sit in the corner where you could give it the hairy eyeball 10x a day and think about how much of a dolt the giver was. If he gets upset about it, well, I guess that tells you even more about where his head is at.

 

Yeah, I'm not going to let it sit here and tick me off. And if I had room for it to sit and tick me off, I'd probably have room to set it up. LOL!

 

Dear Dad,

 

We aren't able to use the computer. We were able to return it and get a gift card. If you still want to give things for the girls' education, we will use it to buy books, games, and science kits that they will really enjoy and learn from. If not, you can come and pick up the gift card. Just let me know!

 

Thanks,

 

Your Patient and Polite Daughter

 

Very good. Thank you!

[MelanieM]

I am pretty sure he will give me a guilt trip if he finds out.

 

Just remember that it's up to you whether or not you allow him to guilt trip you. Think about this from the outside perspective... if you were responding to someone else in the same situation, would you think they'd have anything to feel guilty about in this scenario? Then neither do you!

 

(Sorry to keep replying, but I am ruthless about self-preservation of my personal boundaries where family is concerned, and I guess I want the same for you! :grouphug: I think you touched my gift-receiving nerve with this one. :lol:)

[Nakia]

Just remember that it's up to you whether or not you allow him to guilt trip you. Think about this from the outside perspective... if you were responding to someone else in the same situation, would you think they'd have anything to feel guilty about in this scenario? Then neither do you!

 

(Sorry to keep replying, but I am ruthless about self-preservation of my personal boundaries where family is concerned, and I guess I want the same for you! :grouphug: I think you touched my gift-receiving nerve with this one. :lol:)

 

You are exactly right. I guess I have been trying to put myself in his shoes. I just can't imagine asking someone if I could buy their children something, them saying no, and me doing it anyway. :confused::confused::confused::confused:

 

I am the queen of guilt. I hate that part of me. I have to stop it.

 

Thank you!!

[Hedgehog]

Thank you. I think I might just let my husband handle it. He does better at this than I do. I get sweaty and teary and fall to pieces. Not to mention, the ummm....bowel distress confrontation causes. :tongue_smilie:

 

Aye, me too. And the stomach ache that goes with it.. and the sleepless nights.. eurgh. Thank the Lord for DH!

[kalanamak]

Help me out here, please. I'm sorry this is so long and crazy sounding. UGH! Welcome to the Christmas drama, Nakia!

 

Can you give it to your brother or his kids? If he can't use it, trade it in or sell it. Never bring it up again. Make a family deal to never bring it up again. Never say yes to your dad again, big present-wise. Can you start a wee college 529 and if he feels moved, he can contribute.

 

:grouphug:

[kalanamak]

And what would you say when he asked about it? I know he will. I HATE confrontation, and I hate hurting people's feelings.

 

 

 

"Oh, sigh, we didn't need a computer, or have space for it, and I really needed some math books. The girls are so good at math..." etc. His feelings are not your problem. He dropped the ball, he can pick it up himself.

[Nakia]

Can you give it to your brother or his kids? If he can't use it, trade it in or sell it. Never bring it up again. Make a family deal to never bring it up again. Never say yes to your dad again, big present-wise. Can you start a wee college 529 and if he feels moved, he can contribute.

 

:grouphug:

 

My brother's children live with their mother, and I honestly don't trust her to take care of a computer or monitor their use of it. I wouldn't want to be responsible for that. My girls do have savings accounts that my fil set up for them. I hadn't even thought of putting money in there. That makes a lot of sense. Thank you!!

 

So now dh and I need to decide whether to put the money towards their curriculum for next year or putting it in their savings accounts. We are most definitely not keeping it.

 

As far as never saying yes again: I didn't say yes this time, but obviously I didn't say no loud enough. Must work on that! :)

[Nakia]

"Oh, sigh, we didn't need a computer, or have space for it, and I really needed some math books. The girls are so good at math..." etc. His feelings are not your problem. He dropped the ball, he can pick it up himself.

 

:D I like that!

[kalanamak]

My brother's children live with their mother, and I honestly don't trust her to take care of a computer or monitor their use of it. I wouldn't want to be responsible for that. My girls do have savings accounts that my fil set up for them. I hadn't even thought of putting money in there. That makes a lot of sense. Thank you!!

 

So now dh and I need to decide whether to put the money towards their curriculum for next year or putting it in their savings accounts. We are most definitely not keeping it.

 

As far as never saying yes again: I didn't say yes this time, but obviously I didn't say no loud enough. Must work on that! :)

 

Quote:

"My bio father asked me last week if he could give our family money for Christmas, in addition to the gifts he has gotten our girls (digital cameras for the big girls and something else for Cora). I told him that he didn't have to do that, but he insisted that he wants to help with their education."

 

I meant starting the no earlier. "He didn't have to" is a bit wet, IYKWIM. If his actions are not trust-worthy, start the "no" before it gets to a computer. As misguided and rude as he was, he was doing what he, in his not-realy-involved-with-the-family wisdom, thought was helping with their education. A computer for your kids is really rather mainstream (although I agree with your viewpoint), and it wasn't like he was buying them sl*tty clothes.

 

So, either say no from the git-go, or make it loud and clear a college account is the only extra gift you'll take.

 

My hubby was giving me far too many gifts. I finally had to put a foot down and MAKE HIM TAKE ONE BACK, and that was the end of the problem. Hints and tact didn't work. I'm sorry your bio dad is so socially incompetent. :grouphug:

[Nakia]

Quote:

"My bio father asked me last week if he could give our family money for Christmas, in addition to the gifts he has gotten our girls (digital cameras for the big girls and something else for Cora). I told him that he didn't have to do that, but he insisted that he wants to help with their education."

 

I meant starting the no earlier. "He didn't have to" is a bit wet, IYKWIM. If his actions are not trust-worthy, start the "no" before it gets to a computer. As misguided and rude as he was, he was doing what he, in his not-realy-involved-with-the-family wisdom, thought was helping with their education. A computer for your kids is really rather mainstream (although I agree with your viewpoint), and it wasn't like he was buying them sl*tty clothes.

 

So, either say no from the git-go, or make it loud and clear a college account is the only extra gift you'll take.

 

My hubby was giving me far too many gifts. I finally had to put a foot down and MAKE HIM TAKE ONE BACK, and that was the end of the problem. Hints and tact didn't work. I'm sorry your bio dad is so socially incompetent. :grouphug:

 

Oh okay, I see what you mean!! Yes, I was very wishy washy about the money. I see that now. Thank you.

 

I hope I do not sound like an ungrateful ninny. I know many people would LOVE for someone to gift their children with a computer. It just isn't the right gift for my children.

[Punks in Ontario]

I didn't read all the replies, but if you decide to return it, could you use the money to start an education savings plan for your children. That way it's clear that you're using the money only for the children, and there isn't the opportunity for hard feelings if he doesn't like your homeschooling or curriculum choices, but he knows it's going somewhere useful.

 

:grouphug:

[5kidsforME]

I didn't read all the replies, but if you decide to return it, could you use the money to start an education savings plan for your children. That way it's clear that you're using the money only for the children, and there isn't the opportunity for hard feelings if he doesn't like your homeschooling or curriculum choices, but he knows it's going somewhere useful.

 

:grouphug:

 

Well if this were the case I say she would have a whole nother problem to deal with. Given his/her history and all.

 

 

Nakia, I would not cater to someone not liking your HS or curriculum choices....slippery slope and all.

[Nakia]

I didn't read all the replies, but if you decide to return it, could you use the money to start an education savings plan for your children. That way it's clear that you're using the money only for the children, and there isn't the opportunity for hard feelings if he doesn't like your homeschooling or curriculum choices, but he knows it's going somewhere useful.

 

:grouphug:

 

They do have savings accounts that we may put the money in. Thanks!

 

Well if this were the case I say she would have a whole nother problem to deal with. Given his/her history and all.

 

 

Nakia, I would not cater to someone not liking your HS or curriculum choices....slippery slope and all.

 

The truth is he has never asked what kind of homeschooling we do or what curriculum we use. And I don't think it's any of his business. I think it is very likely he will be a part time grandfather just like he was a part time dad.

[Danestress]

and say something like, "We really meant it about the computer. It's so nice of you, but we are not going to keep it. We can return the computer to the store and use the money for something else educational, or we can return the computer back to you. Which would you prefer?"

 

I know the conventional wisdom is that each person deals with his or her own parents, but in my experience, some parents have life time of practice discounting the opinions and feelings of their own child, and sometimes a strong willed spouse is actually able to get that parents attention.

[Catwoman]

I haven't read all of the replies, but my first instinct about this is that perhaps your father would like to be a better grandfather than he was a father.

 

I can feel the resentment toward him in your post, Nakia, and I think you might be blowing the whole situation out of proportion a little bit. I'm sure there's a lot of backstory here, because you're always very rational and sensible, and I think you're a little too close to this situation to be able to separate your feelings toward your bio father from this one gift-giving situation.

 

He was trying to do a nice thing. Maybe he went overboard and maybe he didn't consider your input, but maybe he also thought you were saying no because you didn't want him to spend the money on the computer or that you didn't want to feel obligated to get him a big gift.

 

Now, if you tell me that he bought the computer as a way to manipulate you in some way, I would see it differently. What I'm seeing is a loser father who wants to try to make amends in the only way he knows how --- through buying something expensive for your kids. Sure, he's probably going to get drunk again and go back to being the rotten guy he always was, but maybe in one of his more lucid moments, he was sorry for being such a rat and he doesn't want you or your kids to hate him.

 

Personally, I would just keep the computer and call it a day, or exchange it for a laptop -- telling him that you thought the desktop was very nice but you didn't have enough room for it. If you really don't want to keep it, call him and ask him if it would be ok to return the computer for right now and put the money in the bank for when the kids are old enough to need one.

 

The fact is, he may not be the greatest guy in the world, but he took the time to go out and shop for the computer, and bring it to your house as a gift for your kids. I think that was a nice thing to do.

 

Again, I don't know all of the history here, so I could be way out of line, and I apologize if I'm totally misreading the whole situation. I'm definitely not excusing your bio father's past or present behavior in general, as it sounds like he has done a lot of lousy things; I'm just addressing the computer issue.

 

Cat

[Nakia]

I haven't read all of the replies, but my first instinct about this is that perhaps your father would like to be a better grandfather than he was a father.

 

I can feel the resentment toward him in your post, Nakia, and I think you might be blowing the whole situation out of proportion a little bit. I'm sure there's a lot of backstory here, because you're always very rational and sensible, and I think you're a little too close to this situation to be able to separate your feelings toward your bio father from this one gift-giving situation.

 

He was trying to do a nice thing. Maybe he went overboard and maybe he didn't consider your input, but maybe he also thought you were saying no because you didn't want him to spend the money on the computer or that you didn't want to feel obligated to get him a big gift.

 

Now, if you tell me that he bought the computer as a way to manipulate you in some way, I would see it differently. What I'm seeing is a loser father who wants to try to make amends in the only way he knows how --- through buying something expensive for your kids. Sure, he's probably going to get drunk again and go back to being the rotten guy he always was, but maybe in one of his more lucid moments, he was sorry for being such a rat and he doesn't want you or your kids to hate him.

 

Personally, I would just keep the computer and call it a day, or exchange it for a laptop -- telling him that you thought the desktop was very nice but you didn't have enough room for it. If you really don't want to keep it, call him and ask him if it would be ok to return the computer for right now and put the money in the bank for when the kids are old enough to need one.

 

The fact is, he may not be the greatest guy in the world, but he took the time to go out and shop for the computer, and bring it to your house as a gift for your kids. I think that was a nice thing to do.

 

Again, I don't know all of the history here, so I could be way out of line, and I apologize if I'm totally misreading the whole situation. I'm definitely not excusing your bio father's past or present behavior in general, as it sounds like he has done a lot of lousy things; I'm just addressing the computer issue.

 

Cat

 

Thank you, Cat, for your post. I know it's a long thread, and you probably don't have time to read it all, but I have gone on in further posts in the thread to further explain the situation and answer some questions. One thing I did point out is there has NEVER been a gift given from him without strings attached.

 

I have forgiven him, but you are exactly right that I do have some left over resentment. Mostly I just don't want my kids hurt like I was. Ever heard the phrase "wined and dined"? Well, that's how my brother and I were treated when he decided to come around when we were kids. All it did was hurt us more. It has taken a lot of prayer, counseling, courage, and strength to even let him back in my life. I never intended to do it, but God had other plans.

 

Even if he was just trying to do a good thing or his love language is gifts (which I know you didn't mention, just something that crossed my mind), it still does not make it okay to disregard our wishes, does it? I don't think so. And of course I am close to this situation; it is MY situation. That's why I posted here: to get some clear headed advice. I don't think I am blowing it out of proportion. I do have a hard time separating my feelings from the issue. But the rational and sensible side of me still says he overstepped his boundaries. And if he wants to be a better grandfather than father, but he could start by listening to my wishes, which I don't think are totally out of line.

 

My husband and I were talking last night, and we are leaning towards taking it back, exchanging it for an inexpensive laptop, and using the rest to put toward their curriculum. It seems like the way to take care of the space issue, the unmonitored internet issue, and not hurt anyone's feelings. I will, when a little time passes, speak to my father about it and tell him what we did and why.

[Mom0012]

I would take it back.

 

Lisa

[jujsky]

I feel you should take it back or ask your father to take it back. You weren't being malicious and petty when you refused his gift, you refused it because you didn't feel it was an appropriate gift for your children at the time. At the very least, ask him to exchange it for a laptop, as you simply don't have room for a desktop at this time.

[Catwoman]

Thank you, Cat, for your post. I know it's a long thread, and you probably don't have time to read it all, but I have gone on in further posts in the thread to further explain the situation and answer some questions. One thing I did point out is there has NEVER been a gift given from him without strings attached.

 

I have forgiven him, but you are exactly right that I do have some left over resentment. Mostly I just don't want my kids hurt like I was. Ever heard the phrase "wined and dined"? Well, that's how my brother and I were treated when he decided to come around when we were kids. All it did was hurt us more. It has taken a lot of prayer, counseling, courage, and strength to even let him back in my life. I never intended to do it, but God had other plans.

 

Even if he was just trying to do a good thing or his love language is gifts (which I know you didn't mention, just something that crossed my mind), it still does not make it okay to disregard our wishes, does it? I don't think so. And of course I am close to this situation; it is MY situation. That's why I posted here: to get some clear headed advice. I don't think I am blowing it out of proportion. I do have a hard time separating my feelings from the issue. But the rational and sensible side of me still says he overstepped his boundaries. And if he wants to be a better grandfather than father, but he could start by listening to my wishes, which I don't think are totally out of line.

 

My husband and I were talking last night, and we are leaning towards taking it back, exchanging it for an inexpensive laptop, and using the rest to put toward their curriculum. It seems like the way to take care of the space issue, the unmonitored internet issue, and not hurt anyone's feelings. I will, when a little time passes, speak to my father about it and tell him what we did and why.

 

NOW I understand!!! Thanks for explaining everything to me.

 

Even though I guess he's entitled to give you whatever he wants as a gift, if there's a past history of "strings attached," I understand why you'd be waiting for the other shoe to drop. It also makes a lot of sense that you don't want your kids to start expecting things (visits, gifts, or whatever) from him, because you know from a lifetime of experience that they will end up hurt and disappointed.

 

That makes perfect sense to me now.

 

I think it would be different if he'd stopped drinking and was actively trying to rebuild his life and be a better person, but after reading your explanation of everything, I don't get the impression that anything like that is happening, so I think you're doing the right thing by maintaining some emotional distance from your bio father.

 

I do think he should have considered your wishes about the computer, but after reading the "inappropriate gifts" thread, a computer was looking pretty good to me. :tongue_smilie: That said, it's your gift, and I don't see any reason why it's not ok to return a gift that you don't want or don't need. If I gave someone a gift and found out they shoved it in a closet somewhere because they hated it, I would feel a lot worse about it than if they just went ahead and returned it for something they wanted. It's money wasted if the computer sits in your house unused, and it's not like this is a ten-dollar gift.

 

Sorry if I misunderstood what was going on. I should have read the entire thread before I posted! :grouphug:

 

Cat

[Nakia]

I feel you should take it back or ask your father to take it back. You weren't being malicious and petty when you refused his gift, you refused it because you didn't feel it was an appropriate gift for your children at the time. At the very least, ask him to exchange it for a laptop, as you simply don't have room for a desktop at this time.

 

Thank you. I have gone back and forth on whether I am being bratty and petty. But with the complicated history, I don't think so.

 

NOW I understand!!! Thanks for explaining everything to me.

 

Even though I guess he's entitled to give you whatever he wants as a gift, if there's a past history of "strings attached," I understand why you'd be waiting for the other shoe to drop. It also makes a lot of sense that you don't want your kids to start expecting things (visits, gifts, or whatever) from him, because you know from a lifetime of experience that they will end up hurt and disappointed.

 

That makes perfect sense to me now.

 

I think it would be different if he'd stopped drinking and was actively trying to rebuild his life and be a better person, but after reading your explanation of everything, I don't get the impression that anything like that is happening, so I think you're doing the right thing by maintaining some emotional distance from your bio father.

 

I do think he should have considered your wishes about the computer, but after reading the "inappropriate gifts" thread, a computer was looking pretty good to me. :tongue_smilie: That said, it's your gift, and I don't see any reason why it's not ok to return a gift that you don't want or don't need. If I gave someone a gift and found out they shoved it in a closet somewhere because they hated it, I would feel a lot worse about it than if they just went ahead and returned it for something they wanted. It's money wasted if the computer sits in your house unused, and it's not like this is a ten-dollar gift.

 

Sorry if I misunderstood what was going on. I should have read the entire thread before I posted! :grouphug:

 

Cat

 

It's okay! Thank you for your understanding and advice. It's a complicated situation for sure.

[Joanne]

I think it might help chrysalize things if you separate rather than amalgam the issues.

 

The issues are:

 

Your understandably complicated relationship with your dad

Your Dad's trampling of your boundaries

Your Dad giving "strings attached" gifts

You having been given a gift that is not a match for your family.

 

I'd start with the fact that you have a gift that was expressly forbidden and that you don't need or want. You are under absolutely *no* obligation to use said gift in a way that appeases the giver. Take it back and use the funds any way you want.

 

The rest? Have you done any mental health "work" on the abandonment issues resulting from your Dad's choices? Have you looked into and developed a healthy "boundary" tool box?

[Nakia]

I think it might help chrysalize things if you separate rather than amalgam the issues.

 

The issues are:

 

Your understandably complicated relationship with your dad

Your Dad's trampling of your boundaries

Your Dad giving "strings attached" gifts

You having been given a gift that is not a match for your family.

 

I'd start with the fact that you have a gift that was expressly forbidden and that you don't need or want. You are under absolutely *no* obligation to use said gift in a way that appeases the giver. Take it back and use the funds any way you want.

 

The rest? Have you done any mental health "work" on the abandonment issues resulting from your Dad's choices? Have you looked into and developed a healthy "boundary" tool box?

 

Thank you, Joanne, for your response. You nailed all the separate issues. And to answer your questions, I had counseling as a teenager. I have received spiritual counseling at church for the abandonment issues and setting healthy boundaries. I am seeing my psychiatrist again next week, and she is going to set me up with a psychologist.

[Corraleno]

Walmart sells iPads. :D

 

Seriously: it's a computer, it's a mac, it's kid-friendly, it doesn't take up any space, and it costs about what he paid for the PC. Just tell him that you need all your computers to be a mac-compatible and you needed something a lot smaller than a desktop. He gets to feel like he bought the kids a computer, and you (and the kids) get an iPad.

 

Jackie

[Nakia]

Walmart sells iPads. :D

 

Seriously: it's a computer, it's a mac, it's kid-friendly, it doesn't take up any space, and it costs about what he paid for the PC. Just tell him that you need all your computers to be a mac-compatible and you needed something a lot smaller than a desktop. He gets to feel like he bought the kids a computer, and you (and the kids) get an iPad.

 

Jackie

 

Now you're talkin'!!! :D I will definitely look into that option!!!