Teen Girl Advice from those that have BTDT :(

[freethinkermama]

She just turned 17. The bad thing about an OB appt is that being on the pill doesn't protect you from STDs. On the other hand, can I trust her to use a c*nd*m??

Thanks for the hugs. Thanks to all of you for your help.

-M

 

HUG!

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Turns out, sex is a part of life for many teens, even Christian ones. Here are my thoughts, and I hope there's something helpful for in them.

 

There's nothing "bad" about an OB appt. Your daughter might have an STD. Sad, but true. Might be pregnant. OB would find out. If she has an STD, she can get treatment. Pregnancy, she can get health care. She can also get birth controle. True, it wouldn't protect her from an STD, but it would protect her from pregnancy. That's a good thing, right? Just because it doesn't do both, doesn't make it a bad thing.

 

What are your hopes for your daughter? I think, you hope that she doesn't have sex anymore, for a myriad of reasons. There's nothing wrong with hoping that. What's the likelihood of that happening? **** small. :( Moving on, what are your next hopes? I assume you don't want her to get pregnant or an STD either. There are steps you can take there to help her on both of those counts.

 

Just love your daughter and try to be realistic.

 

Sometimes, reality just sucks.

 

:grouphug:

[Daisy]

I'll preface this with, I was 3,000 miles away at college by the age of 17 and completely autonomous.

 

I *think* my most likely response would be to

 

*Completely freak out and then hopefully recover before I ever talked to my daughter. Then I would...

 

1. Tell my daughter I read her txt msg.

2. Be honest about my concerns.

3. Tell her I would no longer be paying for her txting. (I won't be paying for it ever with my own kids).

4. Take her to the doctor for birth control and a medical exam.

 

Any additional actions I think would have to be negotiated or at the very least contingent upon my daughter's maturity, attitude, independence, etc.

 

I do think it is important at this point that you approach it as communication with mutual respect and concern rather than an adult/child/punishment scenario. And maybe this is just because by that age, I was being treated as an adult and I can't imagine not extending the same courtesy to my children.

[goldberry]

Do you think that a teen who wants to be sexually active is going to decide not to be because you read her text messages or emails and say "ah ha, I caught you talking about it!"? Heck no. A teen who wants to have sex is going to have sex. Whether they are secretive about it or open about it is another story. But if they want to have sex, they're having sex.

 

So you can react how...? You can punish them for writing about it in a text or email that you find while snooping (but seriously? I just don't see that going over well or stopping anything except their being open with you). Or you can have an open conversation with them about it and provide birth control etc knowing that they've made their choice.

 

 

Actually, I was not in the punishing camp, but in the camp that as a parent you need to know about it so you can address it. The OPs DD was not being open with her about it. The fact that she found out about it via "an invasion of privacy" is not an issue with me, and not a reason not to discuss it or to be ashamed of.

 

I agreed with the poster that said the issue isn't the sexting or the phone calls, but that the parent needs to address the issues behind her deciding to be sexually active and to address the bc and further implications.

 

But, in disclosure, I am also of the opinion that whether the kid is an "adult" or not, by living at home they do in fact subject themselves to whatever parameters the family decides to maintain.

[LizzyBee]

One of my dd got caught in some embarassing facebook conversations. She was mortified at the time, but in hindsight, she was relieved to be caught and have an end put to the situation. Sometimes teens just don't have a script for all the situations that come up in their relationships, and they really want to say no but they don't know how. In my dd's case, she was being used but couldn't see it until the circumstances changed. I talked to her about self-respect and how she deserved better, and we didn't punish her. I suggested she delete the boy from her facebook friends, but I let it be her decision. (She didn't.) I think because dh and I didn't freak out and didn't punish her, she has actually begun confiding in us more and she trusts that we really are trying to look out for her best interests. She has a boyfriend now that treats her like gold, and she appreciates him because she knows the difference between how he treats her and how the other boy treated her.

 

Without knowing your dd and the details of the circumstances, I can't say whether she might eventually be glad she got caught; but it's a possibility. One thing I did that I think was really helpful was to type two pages of notes before I talked to my dd. I knew this a critical point in our relationship and I had to handle it carefully. Having the notes during the conversation really helped.

 

My kids have NEVER had a guarantee of privacy irt email, texts, or fb, and I make no apologies for that. I am very open with them about that. But OTOH, I rarely read their stuff. That one time, it's a GOOD thing that I did.

 

:grouphug:

Edited November 12, 2010 by LizzyBee

[dancer67]

See, I don't get this. In line with my previous post, is it going to be your business if your daughter comes home with a new baby to raise? And you end up helping to raise it so your daughter can go to college and maybe still have a life? Is it going to be your business if five years from now you are helping your daughter financially to deal with custody issues regarding a psycho dad she slept with when she was 17?

 

Not being critical to you specifically, I know many parents feel that way. I just really don't get it.

 

Whether I read my daughter's text messages or not, if she is going to get pregnant, she is going to do it no matter what. Short of chaining her to her room.(Which has crossed my mind sometimes ...lol). But I offered her the BC pill and to take her. I actually went with her to the GYN, and she even asked me to stay in the room with her. We talked about different BC options. But she decided against it. I knew she had a "relationship" with a boy at 16, because she told me. Although I was angry and hurt on the inside and wanted to explode, I didn't. Both my husband I sat down and spoke to her like an adult. Not a child. She came to me recently and even said "Mom you were SO right, I should have waited". She knows that if she feels she going to be involved in another relationship like that, she can come to me. She will be 18 in a few weeks, so she can go herself, but she has already told me she would still want me there. At this time, she does not even have a boyfriend.

 

The key is to always, always, always have open comminication with your daughter. Trust me when I say that you can come from the strictest home imagineable, and your daughter can still end up pregnant.(We just had this happen to someone we knew).

 

If you start snooping around just to snoop, your daughter finds out,you are setting yourself up for distrust with your child. Trust works both ways. She will never tell you anything. Ever. .

 

And again, frankly, I wouldn't blame her.

 

Frankly, I don't get parents who feel they need to watch their kids every single move. When they get out in the real world, they do not how to function. That is when you see these kids at college(or out anywhere for that matter) getting trashed, in trouble, and just run wild. Can you blame them?

 

It wasn't THAT long ago I was a teenager<cough,cough>.

 

((hugs to you)). It is tough being a mom to a teen girl.

Edited November 12, 2010 by dancer67

[Margo out of lurking]

But, hey I'm totally open to suggestions because the way I've been parenting needs some adjustment.

-M

 

 

:grouphug: Margaret, your dd's poor decisions are NOT a result of your parenting. It's a blessing that you found this out when you did--you can still support your dd and at the very least be a positive influence now that you know.

 

I agree, it's hard to find a balance when she's so close to being a legal adult, but you WILL find it.

 

And yes, I would want a friend to share information about one of my children. If it harmed my friendship with the other family, it would probably be because I'd be upset and angry with my child, and embarrassed--which totally contradicts what I told you in the first sentence, but we tend to be hard on ourselves.

 

 

:grouphug:

[dancer67]

Of course it's going to be any of our business as parents if our teenagers get pregnant. But I'm not really sure what you are saying. Do you think that a teen who wants to be sexually active is going to decide not to be because you read her text messages or emails and say "ah ha, I caught you talking about it!"? Heck no. A teen who wants to have sex is going to have sex. Whether they are secretive about it or open about it is another story. But if they want to have sex, they're having sex.

 

So you can react how...? You can punish them for writing about it in a text or email that you find while snooping (but seriously? I just don't see that going over well or stopping anything except their being open with you). Or you can have an open conversation with them about it and provide birth control etc knowing that they've made their choice. And the alternative is....what...? Grounding them forever? Keeping them locked in the house forever? At 17? At so close to legal adult age? I just can't see reacting that way. If they are SO ridiculously sheltered at 17, what if they decide to go to college or move out at 18 and have all that freedom you never gave them and then what? They're going to go crazy.

 

I am trying to imagine an 18 year old leaving for college or deciding to move in with a friend, who just last year was grounded for WEEKS for a late night PHONE CALL and wondering what type of "freedom" that teen will gorge herself on then now that she's away from Mommy and Daddy, and it's kind of frightening to think about, really!

 

Again.........:iagree::iagree:

[Jilly]

I do think it is important at this point that you approach it as communication with mutual respect and concern rather than an adult/child/punishment scenario. And maybe this is just because by that age, I was being treated as an adult and I can't imagine not extending the same courtesy to my children.

 

:iagree:

[jenn1129]

i wish so badly i could go back to 17, and MAKE my mom talk to me about things she suspected or actually knew. Yes, I may have gotten mad at her(at least to her face), but she could've saved me from more devastating behavior in the future. She didn't even try. You can't possibly know how incredibly sad that has made me. She DIDN'T.EVEN.TRY. :sad:

 

Please talk to her. Love on her. Let her see your fears, not your anger. Tell her you are afraid she is going to die, or be raped, etc. Let her see your tears. Be open with her. Don't hold back.

 

Good luck. I have a dd who will be that age all too soon.

 

Jennifer

[Joanne]

I've got 2 teens and the youngest is nearly there as well.

 

I come from a ....... not conservative viewpoint, but I don't advocate or support early sexual activity.

 

I would, however, consider more freedom, not less. She's 17. She needs you to change your relationship with her a bit from imposing rules to helping her find her own rules.

[BeckyFL]

yeah, it was an invasion and I really am sorry in many ways that it happened. The problem is it isn't her boyfriend she's messing around with.

Taking deep breath...

According to what I read she lost her virginity two months ago to her then boyfriend. They broke it off soon thereafter. She then had a one night stand with a 'good' boy from school. And now the best friend of her ex-boyfriend is sexting with her. They have no real relationship and I'm not afraid to forbid her seeing him because honestly I believe she got into this way over her head and probably wants a way out.

All this from a girl that is beautiful, talented, loved, from a stable home... from 0-60, just like that. :(

 

You would like for her to be open and honest with you. I would be open and honest with her. You had not checked her phone in the past.... something made you pick it up and read the messages. I believe that God can give us that nudge as parents when we need to know something or our child is in trouble. I would tell her that you are wondering if God didn't prompt this whole thing. I believe He has a desire to rescue her from some of the decisions that she's made and give her an opportunity to jump back on the right path with your forgiveness and His. He is a God of restoration. But He needs us to see our need for that restoration. She's in over her head. Give her the opportunity to get out.

[Hannah C.]

As a 17 year old, I would have felt betrayed that my parents read my texts. If my parents approached it with a "you're grounded and how could you do this" attitude, I would have rebelled, not listened, and done everything I could to get around the grounding. If my parents had approached it with a "we're worried about you, and let's talk about this, and we get how this could happen, but you are headed down a dangerous road" attitude, I would have responded much better and may have also been relieved that I could now talk to my parents about it...especially if I had self esteem issues. If my parents approached it first with a "we're worried about you" and then with a "we're going to make some restrictions" it would have been easier to accept the restrictions.

 

Both girls, especially DD's friend, will be mad at you if you tell her mom. I like the idea of talking to dd's friend yourself and saying "I need to tell your mom this because I am a mom, but I'll give you the chance to talk to her first" or otherwise to have some say in how it happens.

 

I'm only 21, so this wasn't too long ago for me. Thankfully my high school escapades were mild. Still haven't figured out how they weren't worse!!

 

:grouphug:

[Laurie4b]

.

Edited November 12, 2010 by Laurie4b

[myfunnybunch]

Edited to add. I do think though that I could be more transparent with my daughter about the emotional and relational aspects of sex. She is only 11yo but I can see where I'd fall into the trap of explaining the biology and the spiritual aspects of pre-marital sex and neglect to really get to the heart issues of esteem, relationships, respect, etc. Those are the toughest conversations. Tougher than even the initial birds & bees topic.

 

Yes, now is the time!

 

When my dd was 10, her best friend's 15 y.o. sister got pregnant. My dd and I started talking about relationships and sex and teen pregnancy and feelings and how all of those things can affect us. I told her, "This is awkward, sometimes, for both of us. But if we practice talking about it now and thinking it through now, it will be easier when you're older and we have things we need to talk about."

 

I am so, so grateful we had those conversations when we did.

 

Cat

[Laurie4b]

I'm so sorry for what has happened. Have not been through this, but there are a couple things no one else has mentioned:

 

1) I hope that you and others who have quoted you will delete the specific info you posted about your dd. just like texts get around, what's written on the internet stays forever. Deleting it now may minimize the potential future damage. You don't really know if people you know IRL are posting or lurking here and who might put 2 + 2 together or even if your dd might see it and feel betrayed.

 

2) Sexting is illegal. It can be prosecuted as child porn. (I think that is incredibly stupid, but it's done in some jurisdictions.)

 

I think you have to tell her you saw the texts. Tell her how it happened--she had broken trust with being on the phone late, you went to check the last number and ....

 

I would tell the boy's parents. You would want to know if his mother knew. I would want to know if it was my son.

 

You sound like a really good mom. You'll work it out. This isn't the end of the world. It may actually be a key turning point in her life.

[Perry]

"This is awkward, sometimes, for both of us. But if we practice talking about it now and thinking it through now, it will be easier when you're older and we have things we need to talk about."

 

This is an excellent approach. Thank you.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

I'll preface this with, I was 3,000 miles away at college by the age of 17 and completely autonomous.

 

I *think* my most likely response would be to

 

*Completely freak out and then hopefully recover before I ever talked to my daughter. Then I would...

 

1. Tell my daughter I read her txt msg.

2. Be honest about my concerns.

3. Tell her I would no longer be paying for her txting. (I won't be paying for it ever with my own kids).

4. Take her to the doctor for birth control and a medical exam.

 

Any additional actions I think would have to be negotiated or at the very least contingent upon my daughter's maturity, attitude, independence, etc.

 

I do think it is important at this point that you approach it as communication with mutual respect and concern rather than an adult/child/punishment scenario. And maybe this is just because by that age, I was being treated as an adult and I can't imagine not extending the same courtesy to my children.

:iagree:

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

I've got 2 teens and the youngest is nearly there as well.

 

I come from a ....... not conservative viewpoint, but I don't advocate or support early sexual activity.

 

I would, however, consider more freedom, not less. She's 17. She needs you to change your relationship with her a bit from imposing rules to helping her find her own rules.

 

I am mostly liberal and I tend to disagree with this. IMHO if a child of mine is being supported by me and is still a child especially, then I would expect them to live by my rules to a fairly large extent. I also would hope to gain some sort of consensus with older teens but this may not be possible. I know that I clearly could not always wisely think things out when I was an older teen/young adult. Obviously, I have not crossed that bridge yet with ds and can only infer from my memories as a teen:) OTOH I do not want to be a dictator so to speak but sometimes it makes sense to lay down the law:) I do have the benefit of still having several years to think these issues through though.

 

I guess what I ultimately believe is that I would try to do everything I can to prevent a child of mine from ruining their lives. Obviously, we all make mistakes and my child will as well, but OTOH I would like to spare them serious mistakes while still young if possible. Now, I just have to figure a way of doing this:) I do believe in open and on-going conversations and early and on-going conversations about sexuality, love, self-respect, birth control, marriage, and abstinence .

Edited November 12, 2010 by priscilla
clarify

[elegantlion]

The texting and late night phone calls are not the problem, merely a symptom. You need to be having lots of conversations about why your daughter feels the need to give herself away. Raging hormones or no, there is usually an element of low self-esteem in girls who have multiple sexual partners early. Maybe she thinks it will help her fit in. You will only discover her reasons by having (many) frank, non-judgemental discussions with her. Then you will need to swallow your distaste and make sure she is protected from things like pregnancy and STDs.

 

Don't think I don't feel for you. My daughter will be 18 in a few months. We talk about boys and sex on practically a daily basis.

 

:iagree: I think you need to discuss the messages. She needs to know that even though she has crossed a boundary by her actions, that doesn't mean she is "damaged goods". I wonder if she is thinking she has now has had sex she is that girl that you didn't want her to become and she has no reason to say no. Rejection of a boy is a horrible thing at that age, especially one you have chosen to be intimate with. I'd be making sure she feels accepted and loved at home. :grouphug:

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

:iagree: I think you need to discuss the messages. She needs to know that even though she has crossed a boundary by her actions, that doesn't mean she is "damaged goods". I wonder if she is thinking she has now has had sex she is that girl that you didn't want her to become and she has no reason to say no. Rejection of a boy is a horrible thing at that age, especially one you have chosen to be intimate with. I'd be making sure she feels accepted and loved at home. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[Joanne]

I am mostly liberal and I tend to disagree with this. IMHO if a child of mine is being supported by me and is still a child especially, then I would expect them to live by my rules to a fairly large extent. I also would hope to gain some sort of consensus with older teens but this may not be possible. I know that I clearly could not always wisely think things out when I was an older teen/young adult. Obviously, I have not crossed that bridge yet with ds and can only infer from my memories as a teen:) OTOH I do not want to be a dictator so to speak but sometimes it makes sense to lay down the law:) I do have the benefit of still having several years to think these issues through though.

 

I guess what I ultimately believe is that I would try to do everything I can to prevent a child of mine from ruining their lives. Obviously, we all make mistakes and my child will as well, but OTOH I would like to spare them serious mistakes while still young if possible. Now, I just have to figure a way of doing this:) I do believe in open and on-going conversations and early and on-going conversations about sexuality, love, self-respect, birth control, marriage, and abstinence .

 

I'm not sure I equate sexual activity and exploration at 17 with "ruining her life".

 

It seems that the OP did the bolded part. That, combined with fairly restrictive policy, is what the OP did.

 

This is a young woman who needs a trusted adult who is not going to regulate her, but one who will engage with her, as a woman. I don't agree with or support the young woman's behavior, so don't misunderstand me. I just don't think it will be fixed by restrictions. I believe that, developmentally and at her age, she'd be better served if the relationship with her parents grew to match her current needs.

[Stacy in NJ]

Thank you so much for sharing. And for the hugs. It really does make me feel better.

 

Regarding the other friend: I would want to know. I am pretty sure this mom would want to know. I have reservations because it may cause a huge rift in all our relationships. Being honest, it would also cause a rift if they knew I knew and didn't tell them. I am very hesitant because once I told a dear friend that his girlfriend (also a dear friend) had cheated on him and things were never the same again between any of us. Everyone blamed me somehow. I really can't win here and the question is, does the hive mind want their dd's best friend's mom to tell them or keep it to herself??

-M

 

Discuss this with your dd, too. Tell her to speak to her friend. Perhaps the friend will go to her parents once she learns that you know about her activity. Give the girl some time to work it out before approaching her parents.

[Denisemomof4]

Thank you so much for sharing. And for the hugs. It really does make me feel better.

 

Regarding the other friend: I would want to know. I am pretty sure this mom would want to know. I have reservations because it may cause a huge rift in all our relationships. Being honest, it would also cause a rift if they knew I knew and didn't tell them. I am very hesitant because once I told a dear friend that his girlfriend (also a dear friend) had cheated on him and things were never the same again between any of us. Everyone blamed me somehow. I really can't win here and the question is, does the hive mind want their dd's best friend's mom to tell them or keep it to herself??

-M

 

Hi Margaret,

 

I'm so sorry your heart is breaking. I have BTDT with a broken heart and a feeling of betrayal.

 

I haven't read most of the responses, I've only read what you've written. Going from the beginning, first of all, the two week grounding from the phone for talking late at night is fine, IMO, but what may be another option is for your dd to give you her phone at night when she goes to bed. I have a friend who did this with her dd, and she made sure she had ALL the phones in hand at night, because her dd would take other's and continue on with the same behavior.

 

I have a friend who regularly goes through her kid's rooms and reads their texts/facebook. The facebook I can understand, the others I couldn't. But to be honest, she made some horrifying discoveries herself. And one of them included my son. I was devastated to hear they spent a night partying. I don't know why it affected me so hard - it was something I did myself a LOT as a kid. But it really did bother me. I only found out because my friend called me. If she hadn't told me what she found out in the texts, I would have never known. I don't search my kids rooms or look through their texts and I thought it was a terrible invasion of privacy. But after talking, and crying, with my friend, I took my son's phone and checked his texts. Because I did this, I found out there was more alcohol in his car. I potentially saved him from being killed, killing someone else, being arrested, etc. So many things could have happened. Ds told us it was the first time. There was marijuana involved. I was so sick to my stomach. I was terrified. I felt betrayed. I felt like my world had ended, and my wonderful relationship was all a lie. Dh and I had him drug tested. The results came back and showed that his use never even registered, which means he was honest when he said he only tried it a couple of times. I told him it was hard for me to trust him and we needed to do this. Cutting his hair for a drug test, doing all we did, was humiliating for him. We did this, though, because if he had a problem while still at home, we needed to help him. Since this all happened, he really doesnt' talk with his old friends. He's still friends with my girlfriend's dd, but he spends most of his time working, going to college, with his girlfriend. It appears the worst is over, but I will never know.

 

Because of the above, I think you should tell the other girl's mother. My friend called me crying. She didn't want to upset me. She's one of my closest friends. I told her if I found out she knew this but didn't tell me, it definitely would have hurt our friendship. It was very difficult but I think it actually made our friendship stronger. I really think this other girl's mother deserves to know, BUT, you don't know how she will react with it.

 

My son also had to find his way after going to school. He took a couple of years to REALLY adjust. I think that some of what he did was simply to "fit in." I know how important that was for him - acceptance, to have friends, to be "cool." Although I wish the experience never happened, I think he learned some valuable lessons. I'm SO glad it happened while he was still under our roof.

 

We did take his phone away and grounded him for a while ( don't remember how long) but really what I've learned is that we need to give guidance more than anything at this age. To be overbearing will just close the door to communication. I used to be stifling, legalistic. I'm not now, but that is still fresh in my boy's heads. Try to be understanding with your dd. It's ok to let her know you're worried, you're disappointed, you're hurt. But let her know that you love her. Let her know that you know it's hard to be a teen. Tell her that you want to be there for her, you want to help her. Talk to her in a way to encourage communication.

 

If I understand right that this took place at a youth group, I'd tell the pastor and the youth leader. I've actually heard that this is common in youth groups. Sad.

 

I'm sorry your heart is hurting. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[swimmermom3]

I'm not sure I equate sexual activity and exploration at 17 with "ruining her life".

 

It seems that the OP did the bolded part. That, combined with fairly restrictive policy, is what the OP did.

 

This is a young woman who needs a trusted adult who is not going to regulate her, but one who will engage with her, as a woman. I don't agree with or support the young woman's behavior, so don't misunderstand me. I just don't think it will be fixed by restrictions. I believe that, developmentally and at her age, she'd be better served if the relationship with her parents grew to match her current needs.

 

Joanne, I understand what you are saying, but I am not sure that unrestricted access to the phone and texting is the answer or even the issue. What if an older teen is in danger of failing school because they are on the phone for hours in their room instead of doing homework? Perhaps a teen suffers from depression and calls at all hours of the night keep them from sleeping or engage them in hyped-up drama that is detrimental to their overall well-being. No situation in black-and-white.

 

None of us is perfect as a parent. I read Margaret's grounding of her dd as a quickly-thought-of band-aid to try and stop the bleeding, not as the actions of an overly-controlling parent.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

I'm not sure I equate sexual activity and exploration at 17 with "ruining her life".

 

It seems that the OP did the bolded part. That, combined with fairly restrictive policy, is what the OP did.

 

This is a young woman who needs a trusted adult who is not going to regulate her, but one who will engage with her, as a woman. I don't agree with or support the young woman's behavior, so don't misunderstand me. I just don't think it will be fixed by restrictions. I believe that, developmentally and at her age, she'd be better served if the relationship with her parents grew to match her current needs.

 

I don't think the sexual activity will ruin her life either. I would encourage her to wait and fulfill her own needs to protect her self-esteem. I am more worried about teen pregnancy and her self-esteem which I think can definitely make life much harder:(. Sorry I was not clear. Other examples of things that have the potential to ruin lives to me would be getting arrested, drugs, running around with the wrong crowd, etc. As to how to stop this I am unsure, but I do feel if they are living with my support that there are going to be at least some rules to follow:) Obviously I still have to think out my approach though:).

Edited November 12, 2010 by priscilla

[jld]

I'm really sorry, Margaret. I'll be thinking of you and your dd. :grouphug:

 

Like some other posters said, I wouldn't tell the girl's mom. I would talk to the girl, but then let her make her own decision.

[Margaret in GA]

I have to say it:

 

Mostly, I'm just shocked...seriously...that a 17 year old, who is VERY nearly a legal adult, is GROUNDED for TWO WEEKS just because she talked to somebody on the phone at 11:30 PM.

 

That sounds like some serious overkill/micromanaging.

 

And while it's not fun to think about the fact that teens, and especially YOUR teens (general you) have an interest in sex... they do. I was several years younger than your daughter (unfortunately) when I had sex for the first time. (And I was 18 when I gave birth to my oldest daughter).

 

I think it's okay to let a teen in your house know that you will periodically check their emails/texts/etc for their safety, and then to do that now and then, and then to open up a line of communication if you discover something unsettling.

 

But to randomly snoop on a teen you didn't have reason to distrust was kind of asking for trouble.

 

Now that you found stuff... I don't know. I'd talk to her, I guess, and tell the truth, and say I'm sorry I snooped, but this was why, and this was what I found, and this is how I felt about it, and this is what we need to do about it (which might involve birth control, might involve a heart to heart conversation about a combination of morals, safety/health, and privacy issues and so on), might involve some closer monitoring for a while and so on).

 

But "punishment" per se?

 

No.

 

Expecting a teen to be open and honest with you about things like this when they ARE so easily punished, especially in their late teens, for things like talking on the phone past a certain time? Not going to happen.

 

Just my two cents!

 

ETA: And no, I would not tell the parents of the other girl. I would not consider that my business, not at age 17. If she was ANY younger I just might feel differently but 17 on... no, I really don't think I would feel that was my place.

 

I agree it seems harsh. But, again, she led us to believe she'd gone to bed and this is not the first time we've caught her on the phone near midnight. Also, there is some other stuff (grades, etc) that she knew she was probation for. I promise you, we are not the kind of parents that punish just to punish. As another poster said, we really were putting a bandaid on while we regrouped. I can't tell you how physically ill we were at finding these texts. And the snooping was kind of innocent. With her phone, just turning it on you see whatever happens to pop up. It wasn't like I went from screen to screen looking. We just wanted to know who has been calling her at night. B/C when we asked she clearly lied. Lying=breach of trust

Now that I defended myself, I want you to know how important your post is to me. I initially put this on the board to get all the perspective I can on this. And I appreciate each and every response.

-M

[Margaret in GA]

:iagree: I think you need to discuss the messages. She needs to know that even though she has crossed a boundary by her actions, that doesn't mean she is "damaged goods". I wonder if she is thinking she has now has had sex she is that girl that you didn't want her to become and she has no reason to say no. Rejection of a boy is a horrible thing at that age, especially one you have chosen to be intimate with. I'd be making sure she feels accepted and loved at home. :grouphug:

 

Very well put. My heart is breaking knowing that she doesn't value herself the way I thought she did.

 

I am going to talk the whole thing over with her. I am very glad I waited and let this all sink in. I was far too upset yesterday to have handled it the way it needs to be handled, with love and support instead of having a complete freak out. There needs to be consequences. The texting has to stop because it's not just this set of circumstances, but all sorts of problems (i.e. her fall in grades) that I believe are caused by the constant, nonstop (indeed, middle of night) conversations with foolish teenagers. At some point, we can bring it back in limited ways maybe. But, honestly those of you who have teens that text will know this stuff can be destructive when it is nonstop. When we pulled her phone records yesterday we found she'd been texting at school. One more thing- this girl bought her own phone and pays for her texting by doing work around the house. That will make this really sticky. In retrospect, I probably gave her too much rope. I thought it important to let her be responsible and exercise self control especially since she'd been going to off to college next year. But, clearly that didn't work. And let me reiterate-- having s*x isn't the only wrong she's committed here. It's the lying and deceit. I don't think she'll ever be 100% honest with me, that's probably not healthy. But, I didn't expect that she would weave these intricate lies she's been weaving. No need to share every last detail of what I've been told versus what's been going on.

Thank you all for being here.

-M

[Starr]

Better now that you can help her through this than in her first year of college. :grouphug:

[TXMomof4]

The texting and late night phone calls are not the problem, merely a symptom. You need to be having lots of conversations about why your daughter feels the need to give herself away. Raging hormones or no, there is usually an element of low self-esteem in girls who have multiple sexual partners early. Maybe she thinks it will help her fit in. You will only discover her reasons by having (many) frank, non-judgemental discussions with her. Then you will need to swallow your distaste and make sure she is protected from things like pregnancy and STDs.

 

Don't think I don't feel for you. My daughter will be 18 in a few months. We talk about boys and sex on practically a daily basis.

 

:iagree: And honestly - give her a way out. Give her a chance to regroup without her thinking it's "Just who she is." Once you start on that path it's hard to figure out how to say no if you've already said yes. KWIM?

 

Talk with her. She may be embarrassed. She will probably be horrified. But if you don't condemn her and give her a safe place, you could save her untold hurt.

[texasmama]

:grouphug: I have read some of the responses but not all. Haven't btdt at this point, but my thoughts are as follows...Your dd has been sexually intimate with at least two boys that you know of and is sexting with another. She is a newly turned 17 year old. She seems to be "in over her head" and not sure what to do. She needs your help, guidance, support, wisdom, etc. She is not an adult, and she is not acting like one. Her actions seem to be a cry for help, to me anyway. I recommend the book "Captivating" by Stasi Eldredge for her (and you). It speaks to the heart of a woman as God created her. I can see that you are a good mom who is trying very hard to put thought and effort into addressing this in the best possible way. Kudos to you.

 

Also, my 15 yo dd knows that her dad and I reserve the right to look at her Facebook posts/private messages and her texts/phone history at any time. I don't actually do this, but I could if I thought it was warranted. She and I talk frankly about many topics. Since this expectation of limited privacy was set up from the beginning, it would not surprise her if we ever look at her communications with others. In my view, catching issues before they become life-changing ones trumps the need for a teen for privacy. (Just my view - I know that others differ, and that is their choice and right.) I have a younger teen than you, but perhaps some of this was helpful for you.

 

I believe that if you address it honestly with your dd, she will be grateful for the help. I would also address it with the parent of the other teen. As a parent, I would want to know and would be angry if another parent had information about my child that I didn't have. Again, that is just me. All the best to you, whatever you decide.

[PineFarmMom]

Did you have any kind of rules in place?

 

Our dc know we reserve the right to randomly inspect all their communication~texts, im's, FB, emails, and yes, we have caught inappropriate messages that we addressed right away with restrictions and increased monitoring of communication and friendships.

 

Although ds doesn't like the monitoring, lol, I think he would also admit it has strengthened our relationship as we talk about everything.

 

My monitoring is limited to my own dc though. I don't think I would call a 17 y.o. 's parents if I discovered that information on my dc's phone. Maybe if it were a 13 or 14 y.o...

 

:iagree: It is nice to see this advice from a wise person that I respect. :001_smile: This has been the approach we have taken and it has worked beautifully!! I have told dd that the only thing of hers that I will not read is her personal journal. Texts, e-mails, etc., are open books for me and she knows it. Our relationship has grown so much just through our discussions of these things!!

[Tammy]

I totally agree with you! She is not a baby any more.

 

.

[elfgivas]

for me, the deal has always been Hiv. yes, there are many other concerns, but they will survive those. i gave birth to 4 dds, and i would like them all to live happy, healthy lives. the two in their mid twenties both remember the day in their teenage years when i told them i didn't really care if they got pregnant or got stds.... but i cared if they got dead. (we will NOT discuss how many fingers and toes were crossed during the first part). that hiv was out there more than they realized, and that they were NOT to have s%x with someone who hadn't been tested. ever. we then went on over days and weeks and months to talk about it all.

 

rumor has it that a few times the phrase "my mom says you have to get tested first" sorted the men from the boys pretty quickly....

 

good luck - talking is the first step...

ann

[holdoll]

I think it was an intrusion of privacy, one that would be understandable with a 14 or 15 year old, but not really acceptable for someone who is almost a legal adult. While I think a parent's right to protect a child's safety overrides the child's right to privacy under many circumstances, I don't think that was the case here. You didn't suspect bad behavior (beyond being on the phone past the allowed time). By your own admission, you started off by just looking at the last number. Once the phone was in hand, you snooped, you found out something you didn't want to find out.

 

I have to disagree. If the child is living in your home, and texting on your dime, then it is not an intrusion of privacy. If I go to my child's apartment and snoop through her texts, than that would be an intrusion of privacy.

[mykdsmomy]

My oldest dd is almost 16. If something like this happened *shudder* to us, I *think* I would handle it like this:

 

What is going on in her life that is causing her to make these choices?

Why is she seeking this sort of intimacy ....what is lacking in her life?

 

I don't know if I would confront her. I don't think I would "punish" her. If she finds out you were sneaking around reading her texts (which I feel is totally ok and I'd do the same thing ;) ), she may never trust you again. It will put up a wall that will be VERY difficult to tear down.

It sounds like she needs some guidance like others have suggested. Is there a retreat or something the two of you could go on and have some "girl time"? If not, maybe plan a weekend getaway with just her. Really work on that relationship. I would also draw on your own experiences with her. Talk to her about how hard it is for teens and you remember because you were one. Try to reach her in a way that will speak to her heart. :grouphug:

[Joanne]

But, honestly those of you who have teens that text will know this stuff can be destructive when it is nonstop. When we pulled her phone records yesterday we found she'd been texting at school. One more thing- this girl bought her own phone and pays for her texting by doing work around the house. That will make this really sticky. In retrospect, I probably gave her too much rope. I thought it important to let her be responsible and exercise self control especially since she'd been going to off to college next year. But, clearly that didn't work. And let me reiterate-- having s*x isn't the only wrong she's committed here. It's the lying and deceit. I don't think she'll ever be 100% honest with me, that's probably not healthy.

 

Wow. I know you are scared and hurting, Mom, but I couldn't disagree more. :confused:

 

She purchased and maintained her own phone, at a reasonable age. According to your OP, she'd only been in mixed company in large, not intimate settings.

 

I think the restrictions worked *against* you, against her being honest with you, against her talking with you about her sexual wonderings, interest and activites.

 

I don't think more restriction would work. :001_huh:

 

You can't change her *heart* with restrictions. She's going to college soon - very soon. Help her be an adult; don't control and punish her into more lying, resentment and deceit with the possibility of more dramatic or exaggerated rebellion.

[Audrey]

Wow. I know you are scared and hurting, Mom, but I couldn't disagree more. :confused:

 

She purchased and maintained her own phone, at a reasonable age. According to your OP, she'd only been in mixed company in large, not intimate settings.

 

I think the restrictions worked *against* you, against her being honest with you, against her talking with you about her sexual wonderings, interest and activites.

 

I don't think more restriction would work. :001_huh:

 

You can't change her *heart* with restrictions. She's going to college soon - very soon. Help her be an adult; don't control and punish her into more lying, resentment and deceit with the possibility of more dramatic or exaggerated rebellion.

 

 

Yes. This. I wish my mom and I could have had as much open communication when I was a teen as when I had gone off to college. I know she could have helped me prepare much better for the dizzying array of decisions I had to make all on my own.

 

Joanne, you always have such sound advice. I just hope you're still hanging around here when my 11yo boy hits teenhood. :001_smile:

[Rebel]

I totally agree with Joanne. I would like to offer a personal example.

 

I have a ds who is 17 1/2 and we have very open communication. He is currently living at home and attending community college. When he was a younger teen, he had restrictions that have already been mentioned. I reserved the right to check his myspace, email, texts, etc. At THAT point, he still needed lots of guidance. Through those years, we talked about any and everything in what I hope (it was tough at times) was a nonjudgemental manner. Once he hit 16 however, I really worked at backing off somewhat and giving him more privacy. (again, this was very hard for me) I stopped checking his personal communications and really pushed the fact that he was nearing adulthood. I made HIM responsible for getting himself up in the mornings and making it to class on time. He was sexually active and thanks to that open communication, we discussed it at length. He knew I felt both he and the girl were too young and emotionally immature. We talked about how girls view sex differently from boys, about not taking advantage, about using protection, etc. He knew that unprotected sex was a dangerous game resulting in life altering consequences. Teens WILL find a way to have sex if that is what they want. We can not stop it from happening and personally I would rather my teen be having safe sex than drinking or doing drugs. I had serious concerns (disrespectful and using women to name one) about how he was going through girls like kleenex and talked to him about it. It turned out to be a self-esteem issue which we worked on together. He was already attending community college full-time and hanging out with older teens so we also discussed drinking and drug use. The year between 16 and 17 has been the hardest year of parenting so far. I really wanted to "save" him from making mistakes by restricting his life to the point where I could control it. That would be the easy way, but unfortunately, ME controlling his life to that point would not help HIM learn how to make good choices. He WAS grounded at times though, always for doing poorly at school which was a product of skipping class and not managing his time.

 

Once KJ turned 17, I basically started treating him like an adult roommate. The exception being that I want to know where he is. He can come in at 3am, but I want to know where he is in case of an emergency. Guess what? Once told he was responsible for himself, he stepped up and took that responsibility. If he stays up all night, he still has to get himself to class on time. After a bad year in college last year and being put on financial aid probation, he learned this was his last chance and is now doing great. He has sex in a safe and responsible manner.

 

Now, I want to contrast this. At his dad's house, KJ has 2 step-sisters and everyone is required to sign a contract before they are allowed to use the internet. This contract states that all communication is open for inspection, that no emails, facebook posts, etc. are to say anything derogatory about family, no swearing, no music with swearing, and nothing anti-God. All text messages may be inspected at any time though KJ was free of this as I pay for his phone and said no. He refused to sign the contract on principle and does not use the internet there. Curfews are early and set in stone. KJ now refuses to go over there for weekends and only goes once a week for supper and to visit afterward. His relationship with his dad is very poor right now though I'm trying everything I can think of to improve it. He feels he is almost an adult and should be treated like one. His dad feels that any child living at home, no matter what age they are, is to be treated like a child. One of the step-daughters is 21 and has these same restrictions.

 

Let's see how these kids are doing. Remember that open communication? I know for a fact that KJ does not drink, smoke, or do drugs. He has such horrible asthma that he can not even be around smokers or he coughs up blood. I let him try wine at dinner one time and he had an asthma attack. He has seen first hand the damage drug addiction have done to family members and abhors them. He does however, have sex, but in a responsible manner. I'll skip step-sister #1 who is older and actually moved out for a couple of years to get away from the mind-numbing control, and only recently came back. Let's look at step-sister #2 who is only 6 months younger than KJ. She goes to public school where she has oral sex with both boys and girls in the bathrooms. When at her dad's house for visitation, she smokes weed and drinks. When her mom and my ex think she is at her girlfriend's house, the two of them are drunk at various parties where they also have sex. KJ worries about her and makes sure she has condoms, because HE is afraid she'll get a disease or pregnant. The tighter her mom and my ex make the restrictions, the harder she works to find away around them. KJ has talked to her about how she is acting-out, but it really should be her parent's job. Unfortunately, they don't have that level of communication, since any mention of this by her will result in more restriction. If parents would just LISTEN to their children, life would be easier for all involved.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

I totally agree with Joanne. I would like to offer a personal example.

 

I have a ds who is 17 1/2 and we have very open communication. He is currently living at home and attending community college. When he was a younger teen, he had restrictions that have already been mentioned. I reserved the right to check his myspace, email, texts, etc. At THAT point, he still needed lots of guidance. Through those years, we talked about any and everything in what I hope (it was tough at times) was a nonjudgemental manner. Once he hit 16 however, I really worked at backing off somewhat and giving him more privacy. (again, this was very hard for me) I stopped checking his personal communications and really pushed the fact that he was nearing adulthood. I made HIM responsible for getting himself up in the mornings and making it to class on time. He was sexually active and thanks to that open communication, we discussed it at length. He knew I felt both he and the girl were too young and emotionally immature. We talked about how girls view sex differently from boys, about not taking advantage, about using protection, etc. He knew that unprotected sex was a dangerous game resulting in life altering consequences. Teens WILL find a way to have sex if that is what they want. We can not stop it from happening and personally I would rather my teen be having safe sex than drinking or doing drugs. I had serious concerns (disrespectful and using women to name one) about how he was going through girls like kleenex and talked to him about it. It turned out to be a self-esteem issue which we worked on together. He was already attending community college full-time and hanging out with older teens so we also discussed drinking and drug use. The year between 16 and 17 has been the hardest year of parenting so far. I really wanted to "save" him from making mistakes by restricting his life to the point where I could control it. That would be the easy way, but unfortunately, ME controlling his life to that point would not help HIM learn how to make good choices. He WAS grounded at times though, always for doing poorly at school which was a product of skipping class and not managing his time.

 

Once KJ turned 17, I basically started treating him like an adult roommate. The exception being that I want to know where he is. He can come in at 3am, but I want to know where he is in case of an emergency. Guess what? Once told he was responsible for himself, he stepped up and took that responsibility. If he stays up all night, he still has to get himself to class on time. After a bad year in college last year and being put on financial aid probation, he learned this was his last chance and is now doing great. He has sex in a safe and responsible manner.

 

 

 

Are you sure that you are not MY mother? This is how I was raised and how I plan to raise my two boys. We have very open and frank discussions about teenage behaviors (positive and negative) that include sex, drug, and alcohol.

 

They have friends who have 16 and 17 year old siblings and they give us plenty to talk about.

 

To this day I am very close to my mother and we have very frank and open conversations. I really think that because she did not judge me harshly when I was a teenager, I really learned that I could disagree and live my life on my terms (mistakes and all) without losing her love. She respected me as a teen and tried to guide me. She respects me now as a adult and lets me be "me."

 

The relationship that I have with my mother is one of the most "real" relationships that I've ever had. She knows the true me.

 

I hope that my boys will be able to say the same about me someday.

 

K

[justamouse]

Wow. I know you are scared and hurting, Mom, but I couldn't disagree more. :confused:

 

She purchased and maintained her own phone, at a reasonable age. According to your OP, she'd only been in mixed company in large, not intimate settings.

 

I think the restrictions worked *against* you, against her being honest with you, against her talking with you about her sexual wonderings, interest and activites.

 

I don't think more restriction would work. :001_huh:

 

You can't change her *heart* with restrictions. She's going to college soon - very soon. Help her be an adult; don't control and punish her into more lying, resentment and deceit with the possibility of more dramatic or exaggerated rebellion.

 

This--omg, this. If my mother had done this our relationship would be a 1000 times better than it is right now--which is very guarded to say the least. I cannot trust my mother at all. With nothing of my heart. And, being a parent and treating my children with respect and privacy and as adults in our home has made the difference in my own home. I have a horrible relationship with my oldest-because I was "mind-numbingly" restrictive. Out of fear that my worst fears would be realized--and they were. I made that happen. Now, with my younger children-I treat them like small people in my house. I honor them as separate creations of God, and you know, I get that same honor and respect back. My 15 yo is an amazing, amazing woman. Yes, woman. She could easily move out on her own right now and I wouldn't have to worry about her in the least. She would come to me if she needed my opinion and she respects those opinions because since she was a toddler, I've respected her.

 

Listen to Joanne. She really is right.

Edited November 12, 2010 by justamouse

[NanceXToo]

Wow. I know you are scared and hurting, Mom, but I couldn't disagree more. :confused:

 

She purchased and maintained her own phone, at a reasonable age. According to your OP, she'd only been in mixed company in large, not intimate settings.

 

I think the restrictions worked *against* you, against her being honest with you, against her talking with you about her sexual wonderings, interest and activites.

 

I don't think more restriction would work. :001_huh:

 

You can't change her *heart* with restrictions. She's going to college soon - very soon. Help her be an adult; don't control and punish her into more lying, resentment and deceit with the possibility of more dramatic or exaggerated rebellion.

 

:iagree:

 

Perhaps she was dishonest, but have you thought about why? And whether it could have to do with knowing she'd be punished for unreasonable restrictions?

 

Yes, it's true that a kid who lives in your house has to follow your rules.

 

But it's also true that the rules should be appropriate for the child's age to begin with.

 

Telling a 12 year old "you're grounded from everything for two weeks because you snuck and used the phone at 11:30 when you weren't supposed to" MIGHT be more understandable. But telling a 17 year old that is crazy (to me). How is a 17 year old supposed to learn to be an adult (which they will be, in UNDER A YEAR), if they're never allowed to be one? How will that 17 year old, who is not allowed to be an adult and who is SO very restricted, supposed to be honest knowing how strongly her parents will react to such minor infringements on overly strict rules to begin with?

[Leav97]

She just turned 17. The bad thing about an OB appt is that being on the pill doesn't protect you from STDs. On the other hand, can I trust her to use a c*nd*m??

Thanks for the hugs. Thanks to all of you for your help.

-M

 

It's not either/or. It should be both. Especially in a non-committed, everyone has been tested for STDs relationship.

[Cindy in the NH Woods]

The prefrontal cortex of the brain, a region that helps to regulate impulse control and decision making capabilities, is not fully developed until the early twenties.

 

Just thought I'd throw that out there.....

 

Here is an interesting link, among a multitude of studies: http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/abstract/160/6/1041

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

The prefrontal cortex of the brain, a region that helps to regulate impulse control and decision making capabilities, is not fully developed until the early twenties.

 

Just thought I'd throw that out there.....

 

Here is an interesting link, among a multitude of studies: http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/abstract/160/6/1041

 

I'm not sure it's ever developed in some people. :tongue_smilie:

[Cindy in the NH Woods]

I'm not sure it's ever developed in some people. :tongue_smilie:

 

 

;)

[JudoMom]

Very well put. My heart is breaking knowing that she doesn't value herself the way I thought she did.

 

I am going to talk the whole thing over with her. I am very glad I waited and let this all sink in. I was far too upset yesterday to have handled it the way it needs to be handled, with love and support instead of having a complete freak out. There needs to be consequences. The texting has to stop because it's not just this set of circumstances, but all sorts of problems (i.e. her fall in grades) that I believe are caused by the constant, nonstop (indeed, middle of night) conversations with foolish teenagers. At some point, we can bring it back in limited ways maybe. But, honestly those of you who have teens that text will know this stuff can be destructive when it is nonstop. When we pulled her phone records yesterday we found she'd been texting at school. One more thing- this girl bought her own phone and pays for her texting by doing work around the house. That will make this really sticky. In retrospect, I probably gave her too much rope. I thought it important to let her be responsible and exercise self control especially since she'd been going to off to college next year. But, clearly that didn't work. And let me reiterate-- having s*x isn't the only wrong she's committed here. It's the lying and deceit. I don't think she'll ever be 100% honest with me, that's probably not healthy. But, I didn't expect that she would weave these intricate lies she's been weaving. No need to share every last detail of what I've been told versus what's been going on.

Thank you all for being here.

-M

 

:grouphug:

[myfunnybunch]

Very well put. My heart is breaking knowing that she doesn't value herself the way I thought she did.

 

I am going to talk the whole thing over with her. I am very glad I waited and let this all sink in. I was far too upset yesterday to have handled it the way it needs to be handled, with love and support instead of having a complete freak out. There needs to be consequences. The texting has to stop because it's not just this set of circumstances, but all sorts of problems (i.e. her fall in grades) that I believe are caused by the constant, nonstop (indeed, middle of night) conversations with foolish teenagers. At some point, we can bring it back in limited ways maybe. But, honestly those of you who have teens that text will know this stuff can be destructive when it is nonstop. When we pulled her phone records yesterday we found she'd been texting at school. One more thing- this girl bought her own phone and pays for her texting by doing work around the house. That will make this really sticky. In retrospect, I probably gave her too much rope. I thought it important to let her be responsible and exercise self control especially since she'd been going to off to college next year. But, clearly that didn't work. And let me reiterate-- having s*x isn't the only wrong she's committed here. It's the lying and deceit. I don't think she'll ever be 100% honest with me, that's probably not healthy. But, I didn't expect that she would weave these intricate lies she's been weaving. No need to share every last detail of what I've been told versus what's been going on.

Thank you all for being here.

-M

 

:grouphug:

 

You are going to get through this ok. She will be all right because she will know that you love her no matter what. You will be okay because you are taking the time to think about your daughter *first*.

 

I do think it's important to address the deceit and the lying.

It is ok to have a boundary that says, "I expect you not to lie to me." An adult doesn't deal with disagreeing with the rules by sneaking and lying. An adult addresses disagreement with rules by discussing them. This is a really good time to have an adult conversation about independence and honesty and what makes a reasonable transition between rules for a child and boundaries for a near-adult living in your home so that she can see how to resolve and compromise on these kinds of issues honestly.

 

You know your daughter best. Her level of independence, her need for guidance and boundaries (not necessarily rules), transitioning to readiness for college and living independently, what she needs most from you right now, where you and she sense she is developmentally are all far more important than the number of her age. This is an opportunity for both of you. Trust your instincts and listen to your girl. It won't be easy. You'll probably both still make mistakes. But even if you make mistakes, it doesn't mean that your relationship is doomed forever. Far better she have you to guide her through this with love than learn it all once she's on her own, right?

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

[Mommyfaithe]

I am sorry I read them because they are very graphic and no mother wants to read that stuff about her little girl :( She will be upset because this was some really private stuff. It would shame her to the bone and might even cause her to withdraw once she knew that her dad and I read it.

 

The two weeks is just for the talking on the phone late at night. We are still mulling over what to do about the rest of this nightmarish information. I know for sure we are canceling her texting. Beyond that, I am lost. Because unless I do tell her what I saw, I can't really just out of the blue lock her up.

 

edited to add: Our rule with texting and fb has always been - you have the freedom to your privacy unless you show me you can't handle it. So, she totally thinks I wouldn't check her phone.

 

-M

 

Honestly, I would keep the info to myself...and keep a closer eye on things from here on out. My 2nd dd did some weird stuff when she was 17 including trying to date a 29 year old man!

 

You have to know, that checking a phone is akin to reading a diary when we were kids. it is not going to go over well...BUT, you now have the info and instead of allowing it to become a wall between you both, you can use it in how you deal with your dd from here on out. Like it or not, homeschooling, church youth groups, and strict discipline is not a silver bullet that is going to produce perfect kids.

 

Love, respect, honesty and openess...and a willingness to listen and guide without passing harsh judgements is what you both need from eachother.

 

Also, from someone who has BTDT twice, I have noticed a trend of homeschool kids tend to lose their marbles around 17 and come back around when they are about 20. I think somehow their rebellion is somewhat delayed and they start to assert their independence, making weird choices that leave you scratching your head.

 

I would let your dd know your concerns in a round about way, without bringing up the texting at all...and also a talk about babies and/or birth control might be in order...just because she is 17...

 

I know is is a crusher when you find out your baby is making some crazy decisions....but remember...this is a very normal and natural transition.

 

~~Faithe

[Margaret in GA]

:iagree:

 

Perhaps she was dishonest, but have you thought about why? And whether it could have to do with knowing she'd be punished for unreasonable restrictions?

 

Yes, it's true that a kid who lives in your house has to follow your rules.

 

But it's also true that the rules should be appropriate for the child's age to begin with.

 

Telling a 12 year old "you're grounded from everything for two weeks because you snuck and used the phone at 11:30 when you weren't supposed to" MIGHT be more understandable. But telling a 17 year old that is crazy (to me). How is a 17 year old supposed to learn to be an adult (which they will be, in UNDER A YEAR), if they're never allowed to be one? How will that 17 year old, who is not allowed to be an adult and who is SO very restricted, supposed to be honest knowing how strongly her parents will react to such minor infringements on overly strict rules to begin with?

 

Clearly my parenting needs to be evaluated, but let me state she was already on probation because of her grades. She knew that another thing would make her grounded. And this is not the first time I've caught her on the porch after she'd been to bed-- warning after warning went no where. And she'd been picked up from school that day because she was 'sick'.

 

This kid was given all the rope I felt comfortable giving. However, with such freedom she a.) couldn't keep her grades up and is now in jeopardy of failing a few classes b.) began to do some really stupid things. I was never the kind of mom that said no. She had a very active social life. She went out every weekend bowling with friends, to slumber parties, to football games, went on youth group outings, to movies, to dances, to eat pizza. Now I know that wasn't all she was doing. I almost never said no. The only restriction I had was she was not allowed to hang out at her then boyfriend's house. Seemed pretty reasonable. There was no curfew. No limits on her phone--- until her grades began to slip 2 weeks ago. We talked. All the time. About s*x. About boys. Obviously something is going on with her and we'll get to the bottom of it.

 

I honestly appreciate the feedback. She is almost and adult. I probably do need you to remind me of that. The truth is, she isn't acting like one. She is totally acting like a kid that thinks she's an adult.