Hive advice: Do I respond and if so, how?

[jujsky]

Okay, Hive – I have a “What Would You Do?†situation and need some advice. I just received an e-mail from a co-op mom saying she noticed there has been tension between us lately and wants to know why. She is big on honesty. She has sent me e-mails in the past & I have been honest, but this time I don’t know if it’s worth it. I’m afraid that my honesty would cause irreparable hurt feelings. I don’t so much care if I’m distanced from her as this week was her last week at co-op, her children and my children aren’t friends, and it’s doubtful we’ll see much/any of each other in the future because we both have busy schedules, but I don’t want to intentionally hurt someone either.

 

She and her husband separated around Christmas last year because he was cheating on her with several women. I have tried to be supportive, but I see her making one bad choice after another and it frustrates me. I can’t get into all of it because this will be long enough without all that, but to suffice it to say, I have very little tolerance for people who create their own drama and then whine and moan about the results – not when there are people dealing with problems that are truly beyond their control.

 

A lot of the tension started when she decided to put her oldest into public kindergarten for this year. I don’t blame her for her choice because in her situation (divorced plus she runs a business which requires her to travel for competitions) I think it was the best thing. I think she’s also one who fell in love with the idea of homeschooling, but when she realized how much work was involved she panicked a little. That’s fine – better to figure it out your pre-K year than later when it counts. I was upset because the decision was SO sudden – literally a few days before school started – and it put our small co-op in a bad situation. We had lost one (new) member a week or 2 before to PS and it is VERY difficult to find secular homeschoolers who are not unschoolers that have children in the right age-range for the group. On top of that, she couldn’t decide whether or not she wanted to leave co-op or try to stay since her child was in afternoon K. In retrospect we should have told her that it wouldn’t work out at that point, but our schedule for the first 2 months was already set & it would have been a pain to adjust it. Once her child was in PS she talked A LOT about what a great social opportunity it was and even went so far as to say, “2 hours a day, 5 days a week – how could she get better socialization than that?†Since that is the #1 argument AGAINST homeschooling it really, really irked me! I know she was trying to justify her own decision to herself, but it felt like a complete slam against homeschooling.

 

 

What has bothered me more so lately is the way she is cycling through men and seemingly wanting our approval for it. She was in some sort of a relationship for awhile with her partner at work – her MARRIED partner who has supposedly wanted to leave his wife for years. I have a problem with that. I take a very black-and-white stance on cheating, and think it’s especially wrong to do that to someone else when you yourself have been on the receiving end of that type of hurt. She was upset when he wouldn’t leave his wife. Her latest guy is 10 or 11 years younger than she is – in his early 20’s. She told us about him a few weeks ago and seemed a little upset that I didn’t give her the reaction she was looking for. I think the exact words that came out of my mouth were, “Coo-coo ca-choo!†I’m sorry – I think dating someone THAT much younger is just gross and inappropriate, especially when you have 2 small, impressionable girls at home and you are parading men in and out of their lives. I can’t pretend to support that. And before anyone calls me on it, yes – I’m totally sexist because I wouldn’t have as much of a problem with it if it was a 10 year age difference and the guy was older. I would also feel differently if there were no children involved and just 2 adults making a consensual decision.

 

I wasn’t there last week, but it was her turn to host and apparently her boy-toy was there. He left with his overnight bag about 10 minutes after everyone got there. The only purpose of that was so everyone could see her new boyfriend, know she was getting some, and oooh and aaaahhh over him after he left. We don’t need to see that – really. I’m not a prude, but when she hosted 4 weeks before that her work partner was there and she gave him a big hug and kiss in front of everyone (she IS a very huggy/kissy person so I couldn’t tell if something was still going on with work partner at that point or if she was just being herself) and I don’t need my kids to start asking questions about why she seems to hug and kiss so many different men all the time. Yesterday we were doing a reverse trick-or-treating at a nursing home and she brought her boy-toy with her!!!!!! They were holding hands and looked completely ridiculous. She looks young for her age, but not THAT young. It sickens me both that she has become a stereotype (a MILF) and that she’s exposing our children as well as us to her lifestyle choices without asking us how we feel about it. She can do what she wants on her own time, but I don’t feel a co-op full of 3-7 year olds is an appropriate venue to bring her date – especially since we were out doing a public service and she was representing our group :glare:. We don’t know ANYTHING about this guy other than his name, his age, and that he’s “hot†according to her. DH was none too happy about it when I told him and felt it was completely inappropriate that she brought her boyfriend along.

 

I also found out from a friend that when asked why her husband’s 2nd marriage ended (yes, she was wife #3 of a man 16 years her senior) she danced around the issue and quickly changed the subject. Another time she said something like, “I thought I would be different. I didn’t think he would do that to me.†My friend thinks that she broke up her husband’s 2nd marriage :glare:. If that is true, ALL my sympathy for her situation has flown out the window. You can’t break up a marriage and then not expect the same thing to happen to you. I have a real issue with cheating – especially when there are children involved. I was a kid in that situation and I know the type of emotional and financial hurt that can cause a child :glare:.

 

So, how do I best handle this situation? Do I lie and tell her nothing is wrong since I won’t see her much in the future anyway? Do I just address the issue of bringing her boyfriend to co-op? If she was going to remain in co-op I would definitely bring it up, but figured it was pointless since this was her last week. Do I tell her how I feel about all of these things? Like I said, I don’t see the point in causing intentional hurt feelings, but I don’t feel I can outright ignore her e-mail either when she directly asked me what was wrong.

 

 

Oh, and I just wanted to add that while I realize a lot of these choices she makes and things she does are really not any of my business, she's one of those people who is far too open about her personal life so she ends up making it my business whether I want it to be or not. You all probably have one of these people in your lives too.

 

 

I’m sure I’ll get varied answers. I’m sure I’ll even be slammed for being a judgmental b**** from a couple people. That’s okay. I’m just hoping to get some sort of a majority consensus on the best way to respond (or not respond). Thanks for taking the time to read another novella by me ;).

 

Update: I added my response. It's somewhere on page 5. Thank you EVERYONE for all the good advice. I appreciate each and every one of the responses I got. Even if I didn't take all the advice I was given, I read over every response and gave it thought and consideration.

Edited October 29, 2010 by jujsky
Updated

[K&Rs Mom]

If you can't ignore it, maybe you can be vague without lying. Something like, "I think we're just going in different directions." Hopefully she won't ask for clarification. I think you're right that getting into the details isn't going to be helpful since you won't be seeing her anymore.

[southcarolinamom]

That's quite a burden for her to dump on you! A big part of me wants to say "just ignore her email" --so you don't get more tangled up in her family situation.

 

It sounds exhausting, and you don't need the extra stress in your life of dealing with a "needy" , drama-loving person right now. It does seem as though she wants your approval of her situation, her boyfriend, her child's school arrangement, etc. Ugh.

 

I look forward to reading other's suggestions... I'm taking a "let's see what the hive consensus is" approach to this one. :001_smile:

[jujsky]

Missy, so am I!!!! I always get good advice here and the advice is usually varied. Different POVs are always a positive thing. I've learned a lot being on this board :001_smile:

[Heatherwith4]

I think you should make use of your delete button here. Being honest will stir up drama, which is what she wants. She probably knows why there's tension. She wants you to say something "mean," so that she can use it against you.

If you're honest with her, it's not going to make her change. If you're dishonest, well that's not good, either.

Just my cynical two cents, as someone who's had overly dramatic friends, too. :)

[JudoMom]

Honestly? I'd be honest. I'd tell her everything you told us.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Just tell her that you have too much going on in your own life at this time and that you cannot be involved in her life. I had to say something similar to a total drama queen friend of mine who had very similar behaviors to your "friend". At the time, my friend told me that her boyfriend (illegal immigrant)'s daughter had tied her two young children up to make them sit still while she was babysitting them. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I couldn't deal with her craziness anymore. At the time, I had just found out that my mom needed open heart surgery, and had just broken up with a boyfriend of my own, and my car broke down, so I used those reasons as to why I was unable to keep up a friendship with her.

 

Even if you tell her the truth, that type of person doesn't get it. It's not worth it.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Is your only contact through the co-op? If you are in a small enough town or circles where you would be bumping into her more, then you need to be more detailed in your response. When you say that this was her last week, that means you won't be seeing her anymore in the co-op setting, correct?

 

I would probably ignore it. If she e-mails you again, I would say "It looks like we're going in different directions." I would not elaborate - not because of hurt feelings but because from what you've said, it would just bring more and more drama with you now at the center. You've already been very direct regarding her latest choice in men.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I would be honest. There are ways of saying what you want to say without coming across too harsh. She is flaunting her life choices in front of you all--which if it were just adults I'd say suck it up and deal--but, with kids involved, no. Unfortunately what happens in front of her children you have very little control over, but, what messages are being sent to your children you do. The co-op situation might be a different story since there's more families than yours involved, but, as far as your "friendship" with this person is concerned, you can address that without bringing too much of co-op into it.

 

Something like, "I'm concerned about choices that you are making in a situation where you are clearly vulnerable right now with the end of your marriage and what not. It seems as though you are wanting approval and I'm sorry that I can't provide that. I don't want there to be a confrontation, so I back off." Let it go at that.

 

She MUST know that something about her behavior is bugging you or she wouldn't have e-mailed. It's like you said, she seems to be trying to create drama. You don't have time for that and it's not your place to fix it all. Unfortunately, you've been placed in an awkward position. Do you know if a similar e-mail went out to anyone else in the co-op? Or is no one else bothered by all this?

 

After you address it, deleting further e-mails is something that can easily be done.

[southcarolinamom]

Missy, so am I!!!! I always get good advice here and the advice is usually varied. Different POVs are always a positive thing. I've learned a lot being on this board :001_smile:

 

Yup, me too!

[jujsky]

Just tell her that you have too much going on in your own life at this time and that you cannot be involved in her life. I had to say something similar to a total drama queen friend of mine who had very similar behaviors to your "friend". At the time, my friend told me that her boyfriend (illegal immigrant)'s daughter had tied her two young children up to make them sit still while she was babysitting them. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I couldn't deal with her craziness anymore. At the time, I had just found out that my mom needed open heart surgery, and had just broken up with a boyfriend of my own, and my car broke down, so I used those reasons as to why I was unable to keep up a friendship with her.

 

Even if you tell her the truth, that type of person doesn't get it. It's not worth it.

 

Lynne, I totally hear ya! I ended a toxic friendship 4 years ago. My dad committed suicide, my son had just been diagnosed with SPD and FAE, my best friend's husband was cheating on her so I was emotionally supporting her through her divorce, and my cousin's FIL (who was like a dad to her) dropped dead of a heart-attack the week after my dad died. There wasn't a lot of me left to go around. Toxic friend kept calling me with her self-created drama, demanding more and more of my time, asking for advice which she never took, and then she even started calling and telling me about HER toxic friend's self-created drama! I finally said enough and she is no longer part of my life. That was the first time I'd ever ended a friendship, and ever since then my tolerance for self-created drama is very, very low.

[JoJosMom]

Is your only contact through the co-op? If you are in a small enough town or circles where you would be bumping into her more, then you need to be more detailed in your response. When you say that this was her last week, that means you won't be seeing her anymore in the co-op setting, correct?

 

I would probably ignore it. If she e-mails you again, I would say "It looks like we're going in different directions." I would not elaborate - not because of hurt feelings but because from what you've said, it would just bring more and more drama with you now at the center. You've already been very direct regarding her latest choice in men.

 

:iagree:

In your shoes, I would ask myself, do I gain anything positive by responding honestly? Or do I create more negativity? And then I'd go from there. Good luck.

[Mejane]

You're probably not going to change her behavior by telling her what you think, so why bother? Just back away and let the relationship die a natural death. You won't be friends; you'll just be people whose kids are in co-op together.

[Guest Katia]

Julie, at one point in time I would have told you to be honest. I've done that all my life.....and it only makes people mad at you.

 

Just because she asked you a direct question does NOT mean you are obligated to answer it. You have a delete button; make use of it. Then forget it and move on. She is out of your life and you are out of hers.

 

Problem over.

[jujsky]

Is your only contact through the co-op? If you are in a small enough town or circles where you would be bumping into her more, then you need to be more detailed in your response. When you say that this was her last week, that means you won't be seeing her anymore in the co-op setting, correct?

 

I would probably ignore it. If she e-mails you again, I would say "It looks like we're going in different directions." I would not elaborate - not because of hurt feelings but because from what you've said, it would just bring more and more drama with you now at the center. You've already been very direct regarding her latest choice in men.

 

 

I was hoping you would respond, Jean, because you always give good advice :D Most of my contact with her was through co-op. We hung out a few times in the past, but our daughters did not click. We live in different towns and shop at different grocery stores. We might still see each other at parties for mutual friends, but I imagine that would be it. I had already planned to distance myself from her when she left co-op due to her excessive drama, and actually I've been distancing myself from her for awhile (not asking questions that will lead to more drama) so she may have picked up on the tension for that reason. Yes, this was her last week of co-op. She is hosting one last co-op party (we try to do this quarterly) but I just found out that I'm unable to attend because dd's best friend has a birthday party the same day. At this point I would have made an excuse not to attend anyway because I'm sure her boyfriend will be there.

[secular_mom]

Can you just simply tell her you are uncomfortable being around her 'boyfriends' in the co-op setting without elaborating? It's a direct answer to her inquiry, it's honest, and it's not a judgmental statement because it's about YOU and not about HER. I mean, it sounds like you DO feel uncomfortable around him. I would NOT go further into it, if she asks again for more info just tell her you don't feel comfortable discussing it. :)

[QuirkyKapers]

It sounds like you have a lot of things you are dealing with personally. Even though it has been 4 years, I am sure that the after effects are still there. I know having just lost my mom, any extra drama or confrontations or emotional energy expended just is too. much. work. I would weigh the benefit of honesty versus the cost of emotional energy expended. I know my number one priority is to have enough emotional energy to get through the day homeschooling. I don't have much reserve:grouphug:

[jujsky]

I would be honest. There are ways of saying what you want to say without coming across too harsh. She is flaunting her life choices in front of you all--which if it were just adults I'd say suck it up and deal--but, with kids involved, no. Unfortunately what happens in front of her children you have very little control over, but, what messages are being sent to your children you do. The co-op situation might be a different story since there's more families than yours involved, but, as far as your "friendship" with this person is concerned, you can address that without bringing too much of co-op into it.

 

Something like, "I'm concerned about choices that you are making in a situation where you are clearly vulnerable right now with the end of your marriage and what not. It seems as though you are wanting approval and I'm sorry that I can't provide that. I don't want there to be a confrontation, so I back off." Let it go at that.

 

She MUST know that something about her behavior is bugging you or she wouldn't have e-mailed. It's like you said, she seems to be trying to create drama. You don't have time for that and it's not your place to fix it all. Unfortunately, you've been placed in an awkward position. Do you know if a similar e-mail went out to anyone else in the co-op? Or is no one else bothered by all this?

 

After you address it, deleting further e-mails is something that can easily be done.

 

Dayle, there is only one other person in co-op who I can imagine her sending a similar e-mail to, and I probably would have heard from her if she had. 2 of the members are new and are being supportive -- at least on the surface -- and one of the other original members was also not there last week and didn't make it this week either so she hasn't met the boyfriend.

 

Thank you for your sage advice. I'm still reading responses and mulling over what to do. So far the majority seems to fall into the "ignore" or "be vague" camps so I'm leaning towards those options.

[elegantlion]

I'm usually all for honesty. You probably don't want to come out and say "Your sl*tty behavior is a real turn off," because that will only make her defensive. You might not want to say "Your behavior of late concerns me," because then you'll be drug into more of her drama. I like the "we're going in different directions," because it is vague. However, it could open you up to her asking for more information. If you feel like you should give her an answer I go with something in the vague category. If it will make you feel worse to ignore it, don't.

[Carol in Cal.]

A balanced message might be, "I'm glad to spend time with you, but I don't want to have to explain your relationship issues to my children, so I will not be including them when we get together." That way you are standing for what you believe but still accepting her as a person, but not accepting the part that is a bad influence on your kids.

 

Then I would have no qualms about not getting together if your children are challenging to 'delegate' to someone else.

 

She sounds needy, unhappy, and insecure, but something about what you have said, and I can't quite put my finger on what it is, gives me the idea that she is also possibly vindictive in her way of talking to others, so I could easily imagine that she might talk badly about you no matter how you respond. Just something to keep in mind.

[jujsky]

It sounds like you have a lot of things you are dealing with personally. Even though it has been 4 years, I am sure that the after effects are still there. I know having just lost my mom, any extra drama or confrontations or emotional energy expended just is too. much. work. I would weigh the benefit of honesty versus the cost of emotional energy expended. I know my number one priority is to have enough emotional energy to get through the day homeschooling. I don't have much reserve:grouphug:

 

:grouphug: Thank you. I'm sorry for your loss as well. This whole drama IS hitting at a bad time. It was 4 years ago this week that I lost my dad so this is a tough week for me anyway, and I haven't been my usual self. I hadn't thought about it in terms of what I'M dealing with, but you're right. Even if there aren't after effect on a daily basis, there certainly are around this time of the year. Thank you very much for your perspective.

[jujsky]

Can you just simply tell her you are uncomfortable being around her 'boyfriends' in the co-op setting without elaborating? It's a direct answer to her inquiry, it's honest, and it's not a judgmental statement because it's about YOU and not about HER. I mean, it sounds like you DO feel uncomfortable around him. I would NOT go further into it, if she asks again for more info just tell her you don't feel comfortable discussing it. :)

 

If I end up responding to her e-mail with anything other than, "We're drifting apart," then I think this would be a good way to handle it. Thank you.

[Tiberia]

If she were a good friend, I would tell her honestly what I thought and hope she would take it to heart. It sounds like she is not a good friend, but merely an acquaintance, another co-op mom. Since this is the case, I would make some vague excuse (like the "too much going on in my own life" examples already given.

 

If you tell a person like this the whole truth, I believe she'll take on a victim mentality with you: "You just don't understand. You are judging me. I'm a victim here, not responsible for my crummy life."

 

If she presses and presses and won't take a gentle answer, I'd be brief and blunt and let her know that's the end of discussion. "I don't like the drama you are stirring up in your life. You are making some decisions that don't sit well with me. You are free to do as you like, but I don't want to expose myself and my kids to some of your choices. I hope the best for you. I'd rather not discuss it anymore than that. Have a nice day."

[GWOB]

Wow! That's some serious drama. My first thought? She's baiting you. She wants to drag you into a confrontation with her so she can once again play the victim. DO NOT FEED THE TROLLS! She will twist anything you say. It just isn't worth the effort. I'm dealing with someone similar. This person is a certifiable nut job. Even though I hadn't spoken to the woman in weeks, she concocted a story than a friend and I verbally attacked her in some store. Again, certifiable nut job. Our kids play sports together, our husbands work together, and we live in the same super small town. I just completely avoid and ignore her. I have three kids of my own to raise. I cannot take care of a adult. I don't have the time or energy, and I really just don't care enough.

[Aubrey]

*delete*

[GWOB]

Julie, at one point in time I would have told you to be honest. I've done that all my life.....and it only makes people mad at you.

 

Just because she asked you a direct question does NOT mean you are obligated to answer it. You have a delete button; make use of it. Then forget it and move on. She is out of your life and you are out of hers.

 

Problem over.

 

:iagree: Words of wisdom. No matter how much you really, REALLY want to tell her off as a public service, it will only create more drama. You just can't fix stupid.

[Remudamom]

Huh. I'd tell her I was fed up with her tacky drama queen status. Who needs that kind of poison?

[Aggie]

If you respond to her email, be very vague.

 

If you want to tell her the complete truth, do it over the phone or in person.

 

Personally, I'm with the "let it die a natural, uneventful death" crowd.:grouphug:

[Daisy]

Here's how I see it figuratively, of course. :lol:

 

Auntie Toxic Friendship is dying.

 

You can try to sustain her indefinitely with mouth-to-mouth in which case she'll continue to spew her toxicity all over you,

 

Or you can stop the artificial life support, cross herself, and call it good.

 

Most of that time it doesn't require you finishing her off with a verbal axe. :lol:

 

Just be careful because I swear those types are known to come back as zombies.

Edited October 29, 2010 by Daisy

[Joanne]

Not getting into the specifics of your evalution, I would affirm her percpetion of distance but not welcome exchange.

 

"Yes, I'd say 'distant' is accurate. It's not up for discussion. I wish you well.

[jujsky]

Here's how I see it figuratively, of course. :lol:

 

Auntie Toxic Friendship is dying.

 

You can try to sustain her indefinitely with mouth-to-mouth in which case she'll continue to spew her toxicity all over you,

 

Or you can stop the artificial life support, cross herself, and call it good.

 

Most of that time it doesn't require you finishing her off with an axe. :lol:

 

Just be careful because I swear those types are known to come back as zombies.

 

:lol: Oh my goodness, Daisy, that was too funny!

 

I've gotten a lot of great advice. I'm trying to decide if I should just ignore her or be vague, and if so how vague I should be. As Wendy and several others have said, being honest is just going to feed the troll. It also might feel good to be honest in the moment, but I know I'd feel awful afterward for throwing that much negativity into the world. If I'm vague she might push though and then I'll either have to ignore her completely or I'll have to drag out the honesty.

[Belacqua]

:iagree:

In your shoes, I would ask myself, do I gain anything positive by responding honestly? Or do I create more negativity? And then I'd go from there. Good luck.

 

Excellent advice, that.

 

Personally, and it may be my cowardice talking, I'd just say something euphemistic about being preoccupied with other things (no need to say that one of those things is her unbecoming, coo-coo ca-choo conduct). The likelihood is there's nothing you could say that would change her, so why not keep things as peaceful as possible for yourself.

[ondreeuh]

Honestly, I think she deserves a little bit of a response. How else is she going to know that her actions are having consequences? If you don't respond she may continue thinking she can overshare with you and things could just get worse, especially if you never said anything then blew up later. What if you said something like,

 

"You're right, there is a little tension between us. You are an adult and entitled to make your own decisions, but some of those decisions make me uncomfortable and it's difficult for me to explain them to my children. I wish you the best and hope you find the support you need."

 

I was trying to find something that would give her a basic answer, but not engage her too much. If she wrote back defending herself or arguing, you could just say that you don't want to argue and again, wish her the best.

[Daisy]

I don't think I'd respond.

 

If any response is going to open up a dialogue then it is better to just hit delete.

 

I'm wracking my brain for what you could say that would be kind but stil FINAL, but I don't really think there is any way around it.

 

I'd probably delete it.

 

If I tried to dialogue I'd wind up eventually losing it and being brutally honest and then really regretting that I started down that road.

[jujsky]

. What if you said something like,

 

"You're right, there is a little tension between us. You are an adult and entitled to make your own decisions, but some of those decisions make me uncomfortable and it's difficult for me to explain them to my children. I wish you the best and hope you find the support you need."

 

I

 

I like this advice too. Maybe I'll go with vague, but bring this up if she pushes.

[Sophia]

You're probably not going to change her behavior by telling her what you think, so why bother? Just back away and let the relationship die a natural death.

 

:iagree:

You know her pattern of behavior and can probably predict how she will respond to honesty from you.

Unless you really care about maintaining a relationship with her (which it sounds like you don't) then entering into a dialogue is just going to extend the drama.

She might enjoy that, you probably won't.

 

You know, maybe it would get her attention if she had less people feeding into her drama.

Just a thought.

[coffeegal]

I don't think I'd respond.

 

If any response is going to open up a dialogue then it is better to just hit delete.

 

:iagree: Personally, I'd respond in a week or so with a harried e-mail apologizing for taking so long to get back to her, but life has been absolutely crazy. Sign your name, and call the message good. Don't refer to WHY she e-mailed in the first place. ;)

[myfunnybunch]

I am assuming that you won't see her much from here on out because she's no longer involved in the co-op? And it sounds like you're not interested in pursuing the friendship. So the level of response you give should be what you're most comfortable with, as long as you've set a clear boundary with yourself that you're not going to get sucked into continuing a friendship with this woman.

 

What does bother me is the level of detail you've gone into telling us about this woman's choices. Disagreement with her life choices, the presence of the men at functions and the inappropriate level of sharing on her part would have been sufficient information. I don't think you're a "judgemental b*tch" but I'm mentioning this because clearly her actions have triggered a very strong response in you, and it sounds like you may have been discussing it with others. Again, not slamming, but it made me wonder if she knows this and that's why she sent the email. You don't want gossip about this woman and her choices to take over your small co-op, or to become an issue in any way. Even if she doesn't continue, she may keep relationships with others in the group, and you certainly don't want to inadvertently keep her connected to you in any way, including her hearing that "so-and-so said such-and-such," know what I mean?

 

I hope that comes across clearly and kindly, because that's how it's meant.

 

Cat

[Miss Marple]

Just because she e-mails you doesn't mean you have to engage in the conversation. And an e-mail is the easiest thing to ignore. If you really don't imagine being involved in the future, there will be no benefit to engaging her. She most likely will not change her ways or even understand your perspective, she'll have ammunition to "bad mouth" you to your common acquaintances, and the conversation will probably just go in circles anyways (BTDT). I'd choose to ignore it. They eventually move on if there is no drama to be found in your territory.

[kristavws]

I haven't read all the replies, so I apologize if this has already been said, but if you have no intention of having any type of friendship with this woman in the future, I would make use of that delete button. Why waste your time even replying. It sounds like she just wants affirmation that her behavior is okay.

 

Krista

[Miss Marple]

LOL!!!

[jujsky]

I am assuming that you won't see her much from here on out because she's no longer involved in the co-op? And it sounds like you're not interested in pursuing the friendship. So the level of response you give should be what you're most comfortable with, as long as you've set a clear boundary with yourself that you're not going to get sucked into continuing a friendship with this woman.

 

What does bother me is the level of detail you've gone into telling us about this woman's choices. Disagreement with her life choices, the presence of the men at functions and the inappropriate level of sharing on her part would have been sufficient information. I don't think you're a "judgemental b*tch" but I'm mentioning this because clearly her actions have triggered a very strong response in you, and it sounds like you may have been discussing it with others. Again, not slamming, but it made me wonder if she knows this and that's why she sent the email. You don't want gossip about this woman and her choices to take over your small co-op, or to become an issue in any way. Even if she doesn't continue, she may keep relationships with others in the group, and you certainly don't want to inadvertently keep her connected to you in any way, including her hearing that "so-and-so said such-and-such," know what I mean?

 

I hope that comes across clearly and kindly, because that's how it's meant.

 

Cat

 

The only people I've discussed it with (other than here, obviously) are my DH and one person in co-op who I'm positive hasn't said anything. She senses tension because there IS some tension. I'm not good at hiding my emotions. Whatever I'm feeling shows up in my face and body-language. Even when I'm trying to hide it people who are the least-bit perceptive pick up on it. She's a VERY perceptive person and often picks up the least little bit of tension even if it's not about her and assumes she has done something to upset someone. When I saw her walking up with her boyfriend yesterday I felt myself stiffen up, and I'm sure some form of displeasure/irritation/annoyance showed on my face. You came across kindly. No offense was taken.

[Trish]

I think it's perfectly fine to make the judgments you're making in the Privacy of Your Own Head. (and I agree with them, BTW) Even though she's practically begging you to call her out on things, I wouldn't.

 

Absolutely nothing to be gained by it, and you know she isn't going to change her ways or think differently about anything. If she can't see that this is bad for her daughters, she sure isn't going to change based on a co-op person's opinion of it!

 

I liked Aubrey's response, "we're going in different directions," and wish her well! You can just mean that in a general sense. I also think it's okay to vent here if it makes you less likely to vent AT her. This forum serves a good purpose that way!

 

Thanks for sharing.

[jujsky]

Thank you EVERYONE for all the advice. I did decide to respond, as ignoring is a difficult option (she already responded to a thread on our co-op's yahoo group asking if I had received her e-mail) so this is how I responded:

 

 

I absolutely think you did make the right decision in sending D to school, but in some unavoidable ways it has changed our relationship. Homeschooling is such a huge part of my life and one of the main things you and I had in common when we met. My relationship would probably change in a similar way with anyone who left the group to send their child to public school just because the schedule and experiences of a public schooler and a homeschooler are often so different. I just feel that our lives are taking us in different directions right now and that many of the things we initially had in common have changed. I do tend to emotionally distance myself when I feel a relationship changing so that's probably the tension you're feeling.

 

Unfortunately we won't be able to make it to the party on the 13th. Tiny Dancer received an invitation from one of her best dance friends. They don't have classes together this year and it's been difficult for her mom and me to coordinate our schedules for a playdate so she is very excited about attending the party and seeing her friend. DH was going to take History Kid to the co-op party but his paintball schedule was changed last night and he has a game or practice that falls on the same day. I hope you guys have a good time, and I'm sorry we won't be able to make it.

 

Hopefully that will be the end of it. I really don't want to engage her in a discussion about her behaviors so with any luck she will accept this non-confrontational message and won't push for more.

[QuirkyKapers]

I like it! Remember, assertiveness training says you have to repeat the same thing three times before people will listen ;)

[Denisemomof4]

Missy, so am I!!!! I always get good advice here and the advice is usually varied. Different POVs are always a positive thing. I've learned a lot being on this board :001_smile:

 

ok, then I'll respond before reading other responses. :001_smile:

 

I would do one of two things: I would either completely ignore her email, or I would respond with, "I just see how we lead very differnent lives and I am uncomfortable to elaborate further." Maybe the latter response is better so that she won't question you should you run into her out in public.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I like your response. Very well thought out and polite. Good job!:001_smile:

[GWOB]

Thank you EVERYONE for all the advice. I did decide to respond, as ignoring is a difficult option (she already responded to a thread on our co-op's yahoo group asking if I had received her e-mail) so this is how I responded:

 

 

I absolutely think you did make the right decision in sending D to school, but in some unavoidable ways it has changed our relationship. Homeschooling is such a huge part of my life and one of the main things you and I had in common when we met. My relationship would probably change in a similar way with anyone who left the group to send their child to public school just because the schedule and experiences of a public schooler and a homeschooler are often so different. I just feel that our lives are taking us in different directions right now and that many of the things we initially had in common have changed. I do tend to emotionally distance myself when I feel a relationship changing so that's probably the tension you're feeling.

 

Unfortunately we won't be able to make it to the party on the 13th. Tiny Dancer received an invitation from one of her best dance friends. They don't have classes together this year and it's been difficult for her mom and me to coordinate our schedules for a playdate so she is very excited about attending the party and seeing her friend. DH was going to take History Kid to the co-op party but his paintball schedule was changed last night and he has a game or practice that falls on the same day. I hope you guys have a good time, and I'm sorry we won't be able to make it.

 

Hopefully that will be the end of it. I really don't want to engage her in a discussion about her behaviors so with any luck she will accept this non-confrontational message and won't push for more.

 

Perfect!