Did you know that having a door is a privilege....

[fairfarmhand]

that can be lost by slamming that door?

 

(my 12 yo dd is not going to enjoy this week)

[ProudGrandma]

now THAT is a great idea...one to tuck into my mind for future use.

[littlebug42]

In fact, my dd8 has had her final warning that if the door is slammed one more time, it comes down. Fortunately, she has been much more mindful of it because she values the door.

[TammyinTN]

Why yes, yes I do. I survived two teenage daughters and many a take down and reinstall. Hang in there... they turn out really nice when they grow up and turn into adults. :)

[Rich with Kids]

that can be lost by slamming that door?

 

(my 12 yo dd is not going to enjoy this week)

 

:lol:

 

So is a cell phone that when one chooses to spend all night secretly texting a boy we do not know will result in the loss of that phone. It was a rough summer for dd12...

[AuntieM]

Yes!

 

Dd13 snapped right into line when I actually brought the hammer and screwdriver up to remove the door. Once she realized I was serious, she stopped slamming.

[elise1mds]

A bed is also a privilege. I'm just sayin' :D

[Virg]

SOOO glad there are people here that agree with me :lol: My 14dss is having a rough time. You know I didn't have cable, video games, etc growing up, AND i lived in the middle of the country with no one but my brother to play with. He'll survive :)

[SilverMoon]

Yup. My oldest has had his put in the garage a time or two.

[Miss Marple]

Oh, yes! One of my dss lost his for several weeks. If ya' can't treat the door with respect (it is, after all, MY door), then ya' just don't get to have one.

[Miss Peregrine]

When my kids do that they have to demonstrate, for the whole family, the proper way to open and close the door 10 times. :lol:

 

We can't remove the door because of foster care but I like it.

[dansamy]

A bed is also a privilege. I'm just sayin' :D

Yup. Sleeping bags on the floor are adequate.

[MamaSheep]

Yes, indeed! I have also learned that doors are much easier to take down and rehang than I once assumed. In fact, an angry mother is perfectly capable of handling the job single-handed. Haven't had to do that in years, but ah the memories!

[Nakia]

Sure did! My oldest daughter lost the privilege of shutting her door when she slammed in it my face. :D

[Teachin'Mine]

I just read this thread to my dd - she's horrified. Thank you! :D

 

And internet use is also a privilege. :)

[FaithManor]

Thankfully, everyone here is just so good about supporting logical disciplinary actions!

 

Here are some things I have never had to implement but that I learned from a wise foster mother whom I did respite care for:

 

A light bulb in your bedroom light fixture is also a privilege.

 

A warm shower that lasts longer than 5 minutes is a privilege (apparently one can cure a teenage boy of his routine 45 minute showers that used up all the hot water for the morning by simply installing an on demand heater and then running down to the basement and flipping the switch when his five minutes is up!....Ahhh....the agony of the screams.)

 

A cot in the garage with wool blankets and a hot water bottle is sufficient for a teenage girl who decides to stay out way past curfew and finds a note on the door leaving her instructions on where to sleep for the night......one can also learn to tune out the ranting and raving on the front porch by watching a really funny movie at full volume while she completes her tirade.

 

Children who make mealtime unpleasant can be cured by sitting on the floor with their bowl of plain oatmeal while everyone else has steak and shrimp.

 

It takes a very long time for a wayward twelve year old to mow a 20 x 20 ft. patch of grass with a pair of youth size scissors, but it can be done and is well worth the time spent supervising the event as chores are thereafter done with a willing attitude.

 

And this from my personal experience, a 13 year old boy who insists upon following his little brother around making annoying clucking noises ad nauseum having been sufficiently warned that the MOTHER HAS HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, can be cured by being forced to sit silently for two hours without making a single sound while everyone else gorges themselves on chocolate pudding, no bake cookies, and his favorite pizza!

 

Faith

[Kim in Appalachia]

I used to go to my room, and not quite slam it, but shut it hard.:) She would get so mad that she would come bursting in. My mom does not like shut doors in general, and it bothered her that I just shut my door. If she ever thought of removing the door, I think WWIII would have broke out in our house.

 

I do think it's a good idea. I'm just imagining how I would have reacted.

[kristavws]

Why yes, yes I do. I survived two teenage daughters and many a take down and reinstall. Hang in there... they turn out really nice when they grow up and turn into adults. :)

 

:lol: and here I thought I was the only one that would go through the trouble of actually taking a door off.

 

krista

[elise1mds]

A light bulb in your bedroom light fixture is also a privilege.

 

A warm shower that lasts longer than 5 minutes is a privilege (apparently one can cure a teenage boy of his routine 45 minute showers that used up all the hot water for the morning by simply installing an on demand heater and then running down to the basement and flipping the switch when his five minutes is up!....Ahhh....the agony of the screams.)

 

A cot in the garage with wool blankets and a hot water bottle is sufficient for a teenage girl who decides to stay out way past curfew and finds a note on the door leaving her instructions on where to sleep for the night......one can also learn to tune out the ranting and raving on the front porch by watching a really funny movie at full volume while she completes her tirade.

 

Children who make mealtime unpleasant can be cured by sitting on the floor with their bowl of plain oatmeal while everyone else has steak and shrimp.

 

It takes a very long time for a wayward twelve year old to mow a 20 x 20 ft. patch of grass with a pair of youth size scissors, but it can be done and is well worth the time spent supervising the event as chores are thereafter done with a willing attitude.

 

And this from my personal experience, a 13 year old boy who insists upon following his little brother around making annoying clucking noises ad nauseum having been sufficiently warned that the MOTHER HAS HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, can be cured by being forced to sit silently for two hours without making a single sound while everyone else gorges themselves on chocolate pudding, no bake cookies, and his favorite pizza!

 

Faith

 

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

LOVE THESE!!!

[Endorphins]

Thankfully, everyone here is just so good about supporting logical disciplinary actions!

 

Here are some things I have never had to implement but that I learned from a wise foster mother whom I did respite care for:

 

A light bulb in your bedroom light fixture is also a privilege.

 

A warm shower that lasts longer than 5 minutes is a privilege (apparently one can cure a teenage boy of his routine 45 minute showers that used up all the hot water for the morning by simply installing an on demand heater and then running down to the basement and flipping the switch when his five minutes is up!....Ahhh....the agony of the screams.)

 

A cot in the garage with wool blankets and a hot water bottle is sufficient for a teenage girl who decides to stay out way past curfew and finds a note on the door leaving her instructions on where to sleep for the night......one can also learn to tune out the ranting and raving on the front porch by watching a really funny movie at full volume while she completes her tirade.

 

Children who make mealtime unpleasant can be cured by sitting on the floor with their bowl of plain oatmeal while everyone else has steak and shrimp.

 

It takes a very long time for a wayward twelve year old to mow a 20 x 20 ft. patch of grass with a pair of youth size scissors, but it can be done and is well worth the time spent supervising the event as chores are thereafter done with a willing attitude.

 

And this from my personal experience, a 13 year old boy who insists upon following his little brother around making annoying clucking noises ad nauseum having been sufficiently warned that the MOTHER HAS HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, can be cured by being forced to sit silently for two hours without making a single sound while everyone else gorges themselves on chocolate pudding, no bake cookies, and his favorite pizza!

 

Faith

 

Love these, but I can vouch personally for the one I've bolded.

[JVA]

Yes, a door is a privlege, as is all the furniture (desk, bed, dresser and lamps) and wall decor/art. Even posters.

 

When a 16 yr. boy has to come to his mom and dad's bedroom door to even get a pair of boxers, he learns quickly.

 

Ask me HOW I know.

[JVA]

"It takes a very long time for a wayward twelve year old to mow a 20 x 20 ft. patch of grass with a pair of youth size scissors, but it can be done and is well worth the time spent supervising the event as chores are thereafter done with a willing attitude"

[DaffodilDreams]

I just read this thread to my dd - she's horrified. Thank you! :D

 

:)

 

Glad I wasn't drinking or eating when I read your post! Thanks for the laugh! Now you all have me looking forward to the time when we might be able to use this! :lol:

[Mom in High Heels]

OMG, yes! My dad took my door away after I slammed it one time to many and it was the WORST punishment ever. Ever. Lack of privacy sucks! I learned my lesson after one time and never slammed the door again.

[LoisLane]

:iagree:

that can be lost by slamming that door?

 

(my 12 yo dd is not going to enjoy this week)

 

:iagree:

the only problem with it is that then you can't shut the door on a mess when company comes over!

[Laura Corin]

No, I don't think having a door is a privilege. Nor do I think it is a right. It's just a door. I'd rather work on my relationship with my teenager than parley over objects.

 

Laura

[A.D.]

No, I don't think having a door is a privilege. Nor do I think it is a right. It's just a door. I'd rather work on my relationship with my teenager than parley over objects.

 

Laura

 

+1. Strangely enough, my parents managed to raise 6 kids without ever resorting to humiliation.

[NanceXToo]

No, I don't think having a door is a privilege. Nor do I think it is a right. It's just a door. I'd rather work on my relationship with my teenager than parley over objects.

 

Laura

 

Personally, I do think a door (privacy) is a pretty fundamental right. I also think that slamming a door is a pretty mild and harmless way of expressing frustration/anger, and it wouldn't bother me all that much. I wouldn't remove a kid's door. But that's just me.

[elfgivas]

there are some great ideas here. some caution is needed though...

 

here in california, a bed is not legally a privilege. as a parent, we are required to provide a child with a bed.

 

an unheated garage is also not an option.

 

both are cause for removal of a child from a home by the child protection service.

 

a door, on the other hand.... ; )

 

but it would have to be really, really bad for me to even consider removing a door. our oldest, now 26, slammed her bedroom door the year she was 11. a lot. but that, it turned out, was her entire teenage rebellion. i would pay millions for that to have been her second sister's choice, too. but we survived that, barely.

 

two more to go....

ann

[Endorphins]

Losing my privacy temporarily while growing up never resulted in humiliation, but it did teach me that if I abused things, I lost them. I knew that well enough for situations outside of the home, but I did find that my parents would put up with a lot more than friends or acquaintances would and sometimes I took advantage of that. Losing things that I abused was excellent perspective for me, even then.

 

I somehow don't think that the supporting members of this method all have horrible, empty relationships with their children. Relationship building is one thing (and very important, I'm certainly supporting that!), but lack of impulse control and immature defiance in a child who is still developing and needs boundaries is another thing (and no, I'm not denying that the two are related, either).

 

My two (or ten) cents...

 

ETA: And I had a wonderfully fulfilling relationship with my parents even as a teenager. I knew unconditional love and respect and because of the way they did things and explained their actions (calmly), it went both ways. Still does.

Edited September 21, 2010 by Endorphins

[Imprimis]

I would never think of taking the door off my children's rooms unless there was concern for their health or safety.

 

I recognize the fact that sometimes my children (like myself) need their own place to get away from the noise of the household where they can read in quiet, take a nap, write, collect their thoughts, or just have some needed moments of privacy.

 

I also recognize the fact that kids (like everyone else) become angry, frustrated, and, consequently, lose their temper from time to time. I would rather address that issue by helping guide them to more positive (and less jarring) ways of expressing these emotions.

 

As for taking a bed away from a child......:confused:.

[DaffodilDreams]

I'm all for a wonderful relationship with my child - which we do have, btw. But, having seen what my two brothers did to my parents' doors (and walls) when they were growing up, I am all for removing said doors should they become used inappropriately. The child can punch a pillow, throw stuffed animals, go for a run, etc if he/she needs to let out physical aggression. There is absolutely no reason property needs to be damaged in order to facilitate letting off steam, and, believe me, slamming a door hard enough can do a significant amt of damage.

[AuntieM]

Losing my privacy temporarily while growing up never resulted in humiliation, but it did teach me that if I abused things, I lost them. I knew that well enough for situations outside of the home, but I did find that my parents would put up with a lot more than friends or acquaintances would and sometimes I took advantage of that. Losing things that I abused was excellent perspective for me, even then.

 

I somehow don't think that the supporting members of this method all have horrible, empty relationships with their children. Relationship building is one thing (and very important, I'm certainly supporting that!), but lack of impulse control and immature defiance in a child who is still developing and needs boundaries is another thing (and no, I'm not denying that the two are related, either).

 

My two (or ten) cents...

 

ETA: And I had a wonderfully fulfilling relationship with my parents even as a teenager. I knew unconditional love and respect and because of the way they did things and explained their actions (calmly), it went both ways. Still does.

 

I appreciate you sharing your own experience with this, from the "other side of the door," so to speak!

 

And I think of all the children in Haiti, and others throughout the world, who live much of their lives with no doors, and less. We are pretty spoiled here in the USA.

[fairfarmhand]

I really don't think that this is going to happen more that once. It's not like I'm taking the BATHROOM door. (I would never go that far. Did you see the thread on Public Schools with no stall doors in the bathrooms?) This is not about humiliation. This is about teaching her appreciation for the wonderful things that doors are.

 

And umm...privacy is a late twentieth century phenomenon. Read about Abraham Lincoln....8 people in a one room log cabin? Old Abe did pretty well for himself in spite of that. Have you ever read the Little House on the Prairie books? My mother-in-law slept with her sister in a twin bed till her sister left home to get married...and they shared that room with their brother!

 

I really think this week is going to be more of a trial for ME than for her. She will rant rave and cry about it and I will have to stay supremely calm and serene through the entire process.

[LuvToRead]

My girls don't even have a door. There just isn't enough room for it to swing open.

[holdoll]

Losing my privacy temporarily while growing up never resulted in humiliation, but it did teach me that if I abused things, I lost them. I knew that well enough for situations outside of the home, but I did find that my parents would put up with a lot more than friends or acquaintances would and sometimes I took advantage of that. Losing things that I abused was excellent perspective for me, even then.

 

I somehow don't think that the supporting members of this method all have horrible, empty relationships with their children. Relationship building is one thing (and very important, I'm certainly supporting that!), but lack of impulse control and immature defiance in a child who is still developing and needs boundaries is another thing (and no, I'm not denying that the two are related, either).

 

My two (or ten) cents...

 

ETA: And I had a wonderfully fulfilling relationship with my parents even as a teenager. I knew unconditional love and respect and because of the way they did things and explained their actions (calmly), it went both ways. Still does.

 

This.

:iagree:

[fairfarmhand]

I could get some of those Hippie Bead thingies....no slamming possible.

[dansamy]

As for taking a bed away from a child......:confused:.

 

Then you haven't had a child who destroyed a solid wooden bed....more tan once I might add. I don't advocate removing a bed as a first line option, but when the blatant property destruction is a repeated occurrence, out it comes. Flip out chair/beds, like those sold at back to school sales are perfectly adequate & reasonably durable. Repairs can be made with needle & thread.

[Imprimis]

 

And umm...privacy is a late twentieth century phenomenon. Read about Abraham Lincoln....8 people in a one room log cabin? Old Abe did pretty well for himself in spite of that. Have you ever read the Little House on the Prairie books?

 

With all due respect, how recently something became a "phenomenon" does not make a good argument for whether or not it is an unacceptable or acceptable concept.

 

Equal rights and civil rights weren't exactly big in Lincoln's time either.

 

And, no, I'm not comparing removing your child's door to those issues, just pointing out the fact that it doesn't make for a good argument.

[ktgrok]

yup, and my 11 year old learned that lesson the hard way. He lost it for locking the door when I told him to let me in. For safety reasons I refuse to be locked out. The door was removed from the hinges and taken away for a week.

Edited September 21, 2010 by ktgrok

[Pamela H in Texas]

My dad had us practice closing the doors because we had gotten a bit loud in the morning. I personally wish a hotel full of construction workers had had parents who did similarly. I'm not totally against the idea of taking the door if it's being misused (and slamming is misuse). Generally, I think there is better discipline available that would work with most children. We generally work on the relationship, life skills, etc rather than using punishment; but this one is logical for certain issues if one feels the need.

 

I'm not expressing myself well.

[jamnkats]

You know, I don't have grown children but I do have 4 of widely differing temperaments and I have never punished them nor needed to. We have always treated them with respect (except for a few slip-ups that we admitted to and apologized for) and when conflict arises we work TOGETHER to find a solution. Now it is entirely possible that the 16yo, the 14yo, the 11yo and the almost 9yo will magically change (and the jury IS still out on the girls :) and puberty) but I honestly don't see the need for such heavy handed parenting - ESPECIALLY in our family.

[fairfarmhand]

With all due respect, how recently something became a "phenomenon" does not make a good argument for whether or not it is an unacceptable or acceptable concept.

 

Equal rights and civil rights weren't exactly big in Lincoln's time either.

 

And, no, I'm not comparing removing your child's door to those issues, just pointing out the fact that it doesn't make for a good argument.

 

 

That is true, but my point is that I am not torturing my child by taking her door away. I am not being angry. We have warned and discussed this issue before. She chose to act out of anger and I feel as a parent, I must follow through on the consequences. This child is my excessively headstrong one, who will deliberately step over the line in the sand just to make sure that I will follow through. Usually once I've made myself clear that I will follow through with consequences, she is fine and can be a real joy to be around.

 

She understands behavior and consequences and later, after she has cooled off she completely understands what mom and dad have to do. She totally gets it (later of course) that just because one person is in a bad mood they cannot take it out on the others in the house. And slamming doors is an issue of total disrespect. (not the joyful over-excited kid playing happily slamming a door...I am talking about the angry door slamming. I don't treat the two the same)

 

Seriously, though, I am not being smart alecky, I am genuinely curious...what do you do with a temper tantruming pre-teen?

 

(the temper tantrums are a regular thing for her...at least a couple times a week. She's always been like this, even as a toddler. Happy as long as she gets her own way, but has a horrible time coping if things don't go perfectly her way every time.)

Edited September 21, 2010 by fairfarmhand

[Kari C in SC]

I know that I have super human power when I am angry about a child slamming and then locking the door. I can pop the pins off and have the door in the garage in no time flat. Then when I go to put it back up a month later - it feels SO HEAVY! I think how on earth did I get it down that fast!?

[fairfarmhand]

I know that I have super human power when I am angry about a child slamming and then locking the door. I can pop the pins off and have the door in the garage in no time flat. Then when I go to put it back up a month later - it feels SO HEAVY! I think how on earth did I get it down that fast!?

 

 

Did you ever watch the Incredible Hulk back in the '80's?

 

"Don't make me angry...."

[Haiku]

Oh yes, I most certainly did. The privilege can also be revoked for refusing to keep said door open during a hundred-degree heat-wave when we are relying on fans and cross-ventilation to keep the upstairs of the house at a non-combustible level!

 

Tara

[Haiku]

but I honestly don't see the need for such heavy handed parenting - ESPECIALLY in our family.

 

That's great, but not everyone is apparently so blessed. When I sat down with above-referenced dd (who was 15 at the time) and discussed with her the fact that we had bought fans at her request in an attempt to cool the upstairs but that it would not work without having the open doors and the cross-ventilation, and that her brother and sister, as well as her parents, were also suffering from the heat, and she calmly replied, "I won't keep it open, I'd rather be hot," well, she didn't get to be so selfish. :D

 

Tara

Edited September 21, 2010 by TaraTheLiberator

[NanceXToo]

Well, see, I wouldn't really punish for a temper tantrum. If I told my kid she couldn't do something, and that upset her, and she expressed being upset by stomping her feet, leaving a room, or slamming a door, that's fine. I mean, it's not like she's going "well F you!" or hitting somebody or breaking something of mine or doing something REALLY bad. She's just expressing anger/frustration/disappointment in a way that lets off some steam. To me, that's okay, and I wouldn't punish for it. I wouldn't pay it any mind at all. I'd ignore it and leave her alone to have her space and get over it.

 

If she had a tantrum that kept disrupting other people, like if she KEPT slamming the door a bunch of times in a row or wanted to stay right in the room where other people were hanging out doing things throwing a fit, I'd tell her she needed to go off on her own until she was calm enough to rejoin everyone else. That kind of thing.

 

I'm not saying that what you are doing is "torturing" a kid. I'm just saying that I wouldn't do it.

[FaithManor]

For those that disagree about the bedroom door being taken away, have you ever spent the afternoon in the ER because a child, repeatedly told not to slam doors and otherwise less stringently disciplined for such behavior, slammed the two year old's finger in the door?

 

Slamming doors can be a safety issue, ie. also the breaking glass from the pictures on the wall. So, I still say that the loss of the door until such time as the child decides to change and NOT continue this behavior, is legitimate. The child's feelings and or humiliation does not trump everyone else's right to not step on broken glass or have finger ex-rays.

 

It's a dangerous habit, I've had my fingers slammed in car doors before.

 

But, I understand that not everyone sees it that way.

 

So to the OP, I think you acted in a very appropriate way.

 

Faith

[Laura Corin]

 

Seriously, though, I am not being smart alecky, I am genuinely curious...what do you do with a temper tantruming pre-teen?

 

 

Laura