Teaching time out... do you spank them each time they get up?

[Lovedtodeath]

N/A send an email if you don't want to be attacked on here. TY

[SailorMom]

We did spank - no judgement here - but unless they were hitting, or being REALLY bad getting out of time out - we didn't spank then. But - we would reset our timer back to the begining again. It took a while of doing this for it to sink in. We explained every time (exhaustively) what we were doing, and it could take an hour to finish a 5 minute time out:tongue_smilie:

[Scarlett]

We did spank - no judgement here - but unless they were hitting, or being REALLY bad getting out of time out - we didn't spank then. But - we would reset our timer back to the begining again. It took a while of doing this for it to sink in. We explained every time (exhaustively) what we were doing, and it could take an hour to finish a 5 minute time out:tongue_smilie:

 

:iagree:

 

Rinse. Repeat. Over. and. over. and over.

[Lovedtodeath]

Thanks Kristy... so if time-out is new to him and he gets up more than he stays; what to do?

 

This is the 3 year old.

[Dawn in OH]

No, I didn't. I just kept putting them back into Timeout and restarting the timer. That's all it required for my children. I probably would have spanked if it were necessary, though I can't say for sure since it wasn't an issue for us.

[elegantlion]

We added a minute to the time if he got up. He learned pretty quick not to get up.

[MariannNOVA]

:iagree:

 

Rinse. Repeat. Over. and. over. and over.

 

We added a minute to the time if he got up. He learned pretty quick not to get up.

 

This and this - no spanking - but no judging here, either. I found that adding time didn't really work with ours till they were old enough to understand 'longer.'

 

It was exhausting for us (dh and me), but consistency is crucial. Good luck.

[SailorMom]

Yeah - we started at about 18 months, and they got it by the time they were about 20 months. Not that they never tried it again, but they knew what would happen, and they usually just sat thier pouting. Now - mind you - the time outs at 18 months are about 1 minute. A three year old could go about 3 minutes. Anything more than 3 minutes at that age is not going to work no matter what you do.

You have to really explain it to them - on their level. Even just starting out - do what you'll want to always do - be very consistent.

You will get there - but it will take a while. It's a steep learning curve for most kids :)

[IsabelC]

We do not use time out as a regular teaching/discipline tool, but if you do want to use it, may I suggest you consider the method explained in Beyond Time Out: From Chaos to Calm. It has a simple and apparently effective "ladder" of what to do and say in almost any scenario.

[Lovedtodeath]

 

We do not use time out as a regular teaching/discipline tool, but if you do want to use it, may I suggest you consider the method explained in Beyond Time Out: From Chaos to Calm. It has a simple and apparently effective "ladder" of what to do and say in almost any scenario.

Thank you.

[Beach Mom]

It is (or at least with one of my DSs who shall remain nameless) a battle of wills :glare:.

 

Keep putting them back every.single.time.without.commentary. The no commentary was the hardest part for me.:blushing:

 

All we would say was "you are sitting here because you disrespected Mom (or talked back, or hit your brother, insert offense here). You will sit here for x minutes and then apologize. Repeat at nauseum.

 

But, if you stick with it, it works! Really it does....it takes a few days for the offender to know that you will be consistent no.matter.what.

I had one of the stubbornest boys around, until we cleared up who had the stronger will regarding time out. He was three when we started and we locked horns for many months. He is now a well behaved, but still spirited, 7 year old who knows Mom means business.

 

Stay strong Mom! You know you are doing the right thing even though it can be exhausting.

[Daisy]

At 3yo?

 

I'm trying to think back that far. I know I didn't spank them. I think I just added a minute to their time, but they were only sitting in time-out for 3 minutes (1 minutes for each year of their age).

 

I could usually see them start figiting and would remind them that they only had one more minute left or something like that.

 

I never even set the timer for 3 minutes though until they were done pitching their fit.

[Lovedtodeath]

Thank you all for the advice. I am not the one who spanks him when he gets up (repeatedly). I am the one in trouble for putting a stop to it. :o I wanted some neutral answers to this puzzlement.

[LisaKinVA]

If it's a time out, no... I don't spank every time they get up. I simply keep putting them back and re-starting the timer.

 

FWIW, I have children for whom spanking just does't work, but time outs and penalty/reward discs work amazingly well. Then, I have the children who are only motivated by spankings. :tongue_smilie: I prefer the disc and time out method.

[Carrie12345]

No. Not because I'm *entirely* opposed to spanking (only mostly-opposed), but because the amount of spanking that would have entailed in my house would have bordered on beating. :001_huh:

 

Time outs have just never been effective for my kids. We'll remove a child or toy from the situation and implement other consequences, but even the ones who could/would sit for a time out were unimpressed by that "punishment".

 

If time outs are punishing you more than the actual offender, I'd definitely try something else!

[Aubrey]

I worked in a Montessori school where timeouts were standard consequences, 1min/yr of child's age, & if they got up, it started over.

 

For kids who had a problem getting up, though, we would sit w/ them, to "teach" them timeout. Also, if a kid was out of control or violent, we'd sit w/ them--think big v legs, kid in front, legs crossed, your legs crossed over theirs, your arms wrapped around their chest like a hug.

 

I could sit & read a story to the class while holding a kid like this, if nec, & holding them like this seemed to help them calm down w/out escalating the problem. Eventually, you'd feel the muscles relax, & the kid would be drawn into the story.

 

I was amazed when ds9's day care taught him to go to time-out & stay there, because I knew they didn't use spankings. Seeing the results they got as well as the results from the Montessori school where I worked has inspired me as a parent to rely less & less on spankings. I haven't totally cut them out yet, but I finally see it as a goal.

 

For me, spanking every time a kid gets up from timeout became emotionally exhausting, as I questioned myself more & more ea time, but w/ ea time, I was more invested in the battle of wills & was afraid that stopping would mean losing & having worse battles in the future.

 

So...I think time-out is like potty training. You have to schedule 2 days-1 week to "teach" it to your child. It's a killer few days w/ little else getting done, but after that? You can generally just tell them to go, & they will.

 

Easier said w/ a 1st child than a 3rd, though. :grouphug: & GL! 3yo's are adorable & exhausting. I read somewhere that that's the highest point of energy in the human life. I had a 2yo when I read it, & didn't believe the statistic. I'll never forget the next yr: my first experience *living* w/ a 3yo.

 

It's not too bad as long as you have nothing else you have to do. :lol:

[Beach Mom]

I am not the one who spanks him when he gets up (repeatedly). I am the one in trouble for putting a stop to it. :o I wanted some neutral answers to this puzzlement.

 

:grouphug:Been there, done that. We had to have a long heart to heart talk about discipline consistency between parents.

[NanceXToo]

I would stand there directly in front of him and not LET him get up if he kept trying to get up. But no, I would not spank.

[lionfamily1999]

I'd say, it depends on the spanking ;) A swat on a clothed behind before plopping them back into time out, btdt. An actual bend over spanking? No, for two reasons. First, learning how time out works takes time and full out spankings over and over again in the space of a few minutes is (imo) way over the top. Second, you expect him to sit in time out right?

 

Perhaps you could try spanking the offender (being whomever is spanking your little guy over and over) repeatedly and then telling him/her to sit for the next few minutes :lol:.

[simka2]

3 is sooooo hard!!! at that age it was for a max of 3 min. The only thing that worked for my wiggly twins was putting a dot on the wall and having them stand with the tip of there nose on the dot! This way I had a double buffer, if they took their noses of I could gently but silently turn there heads back to the dot. If the walked away entirely, I would start the time over, with me standing right behind them for the 2nd one. This allowed me to catch the moment the nose came off, so I didn't have to reset the timer.

 

I think the key was that I didn't talk to them during this time, but the moment it was done...there was hugs and kisses!!!

[Mergath]

I'm opposed to spanking, but even if I wasn't, I wouldn't. If that makes sense. I would think the sheer amount of spanking that would be required, and the fact that the child is three, would border on child abuse, honestly, especially if the child is very strong-willed. We use two minute time outs with my 2 year old dd, and because she's the type to lay on the floor screaming while clinging to my foot as I walk around the kitchen, we just put a child gate up so she can't leave her room. It seems to be working so far.

[coralloyd]

I have 3 strong willed children ( got it from their parents ;)). When they are little my main form of discipline is the corner. It has worked with all 3. I do spank sometimes, but not coinciding with the corner.

 

The steps to a timeout/corner that I have found work the best are:

 

1. Tell them why they are going to the corner ( not that hey can hear you above the screaming :tongue_smilie:).

 

2. Set them in corner/area (when they are little, try to not make it a really small spot. I like to use the end of a hall with all the doors closed.) I tell them they have to stay there till I say they can get up.

 

3. Turn around, begin to walk away. They have already popped up and are running away.

 

4. Pick them up and put them back.

 

5. Now the hard part- DO NOT TALK! DO NOT GIVE EYE CONTACT!

 

6. Repeat #4 and #5, over and over, till they stay.

 

7. Let them up when they are calm, and ready to apologize. That is not always possible in the amount of minute for their age. So I don't have a time limit. Sometimes it is a shorter, sometimes it's longer.

 

I can now tell my children, even my 3 yr. old, to go sit in the corner and they do. Even if they don't (really don't) want to.

 

6.

[kmacnchs]

I don't see the point of time outs. I thought people either spanked OR did time outs. If you don't want to spank, I would look at Supernanny (she just keeps putting them back w/o saying anything). I personally do not like time outs. We spank - to put it simply - immediate consequence, hugging afterward, and talking about what needs to be done next time (there's more to it but that's the simple explanation).

[flobee76]

I don't see the point in spanking if the child is already "serving the sentence", so to speak. If the child has just been introduced to time-outs, then let him/her get accustomed to them.

 

For us, we stopped using the term "time out". It didn't seem to make the connection with our kids. Instead we started using, "take a break". It's basically the same thing, but we are holding the child to his/her choice, for example:

 

"You need a break. There is no hitting in this house. If you cannot use your hands with love, then you need a break until you are ready."

 

When we give breaks, that usually means sitting near mom or dad. When the "offender" is ready, he or she may come out. The dialogue usually goes like this:

 

"Little One, why did you have to take a break from playing?"

 

"Because I was hitting."

 

"Did YOU make the right or wrong choice by hitting? Is that loving?"

 

"I made the wrong choice."

 

"Are you ready to join the group and be loving?"

 

"Yes"

 

"Go admit your wrong choice and ask for forgiveness."

 

I say, that's USUALLY how it goes, but sometimes there needs more heart-searching.

 

While we do not believe that spanking is wrong, we believe that that is absolutely the VERY last resort. We try everything to "coach" our children to want to do what's right, without spanking.

 

That's what parents are: coaches. We have to work hard and work along side our kids to make the right choices in life. :)

 

We got the above techniques from a book called Good and Angry by Turansky and Miller. VERY Good book!

 

Also, check out Raising Godly Tomatoes. Even if you are not "religious", there are some very good techniques there for

[Brenda in FL]

Use one punishment not two - or the child will completely forget what he did wrong in the first place. If one is going to spank, they may as well do that for the original offense and get the punishment over with.

[Lovedtodeath]

Thanks everyone. I may try to train him for time-outs myself before we have a repeat of the wrong way of doing it. I might have the spanker read this, so I will refrain from further comment, but you all were very helpful!

[Lolosoli]

I've never spanked or used time outs....so, I cannot comment on that issue...however....I did use "time ins"! Works great both short-term and long-term!

 

I strongly suggest Barbara Coloroso's book -- Kids Are Worth It: Giving the Gift of Inner Dicipline.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I didn't use time outs in a timed way and see no reason to do so.

 

I prefer them to rejoin when they are ready. If they are ready in 20 seconds, GREAT! And if they are ready in 20 minutes, GREAT. I want them to learn that "time out" is their friend if the need it :)

 

BTW, I don't think punishments are generally necessary or best. However, a rare time out or spanking is unlikely to hurt most people either. The concern, imo, is finding yourself needing punishment regularly or even semi-regularly. It suggests that the discipline (teaching/guiding) is lacking (ie, not appropriate to help THAT child learn what they need to learn to do what they need to do).

Edited August 26, 2010 by 2J5M9K

[Lovedtodeath]

So Pamela, how would you get him to stop throwing stuff down from the balcony to get attention? That is our main problem right now.

[NanceXToo]

Don't put him on the balcony and make his time out be somewhere else? He's still just a toddler. At his age, why can't "time out" be "sit right here next to me on the couch and you'll have to sit here and not play for three minutes (or until you are calm, or whatever) because you did (this)." And you sit right there next to him, and you don't allow him to get up, play, or throw things, from the balcony or elsewhere. If he wants to wriggle, mutter, cry, or whatever, let him. Don't comment on it. Just don't let him get up or play or throw or whatever.

 

And when the three minutes is up, you can tell him very calmly and casually 'Okay, you can get up now. Go play nicely.'

[Lovedtodeath]

LOL.... no his time out isn't on the balcony. That behavior is his reason for getting the time out. Thanks for the time out "how to" though.

[Melissa in Australia]

Use one punishment not two - or the child will completely forget what he did wrong in the first place. If one is going to spank, they may as well do that for the original offense and get the punishment over with.

:iagree:

I personally prefer to spank. it is instant, deals quickly with the problem and it is over. Time out is a very long drawn out process, with both the parent and child getting angry.

 

I have used both spanking and time out, but not usually together. I have even put myself in time out; just so I can get a grip on myself before I loose my temper.

[NanceXToo]

LOL.... no his time out isn't on the balcony. That behavior is his reason for getting the time out.

 

Oh. LOL. Well, you stop that by him getting a little older. haha. I have always sworn that the "terrible twos" are just practice for three.

 

It was such a relief when my son turned four. He seemed to become easier all the time. Even more so now that he's closer to five.

 

I would still react similarly to what I posted. I would tell him, "You may not throw things off the balcony. If you do it, you will take a time out next to Mommy on the couch for three minutes." And then I'd sit him there, right next to me, and not allow the "what if he gets up" thing to ever become an issue to begin with.

[SailorMom]

Both of my sons were terrible three-ers as well. So much harder than two!!!!

[Teachin'Mine]

Not Pamela, but could you change his time out location? There really shouldn't be anything of interest, or within reach, and he should be within your view at the least. I like the idea of the dot on the wall. :)

[hornblower]

So Pamela, how would you get him to stop throwing stuff down from the balcony to get attention? That is our main problem right now.

 

not sure how old child is but .....

 

a) lose the privilege of being on the balcony alone (baby gate or closed right off). Pick child up "ooops! Nope. You can't do that. You'll come inside with me now & you can't go out there now. I'm doing paperwork so you can sit here & play with this."

 

b) supervision by parent at all times; there was just another thread on this issue - some kids need to have adult eyes on them all the time until their brains catch up to their bodies.

 

I'd sooner tether a child to me with a harness than time out or spank.....

[Guest Cindie2dds]

I would stand there directly in front of him and not LET him get up if he kept trying to get up. But no, I would not spank.

 

Yes. I agree. I don't spank.

 

Mine stand in the corner. They hate it, so it works very well. We don't have a time for their age, just when their attitude has changed, they are allowed to come out.

[8circles]

So Pamela, how would you get him to stop throwing stuff down from the balcony to get attention? That is our main problem right now.

 

Is there anything that he could throw from the balcony that would be OK? cloth napkins, really small stuffed-animals, etc? I'd go that route first.

 

I'm in the thick of this now, too. My 3 yr-old is terribly persistent & mischevious.:glare: This too shall pass. :grouphug:

 

eta: duh - I was picturing an indoor balcony. My idea makes much less sense (if any at all) for an outdoor balcony. Sorry, nak.

Edited August 27, 2010 by momoflaw

[Hockey Mom]

Both of my sons were terrible three-ers as well. So much harder than two!!!!

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

We tried time out and spankings. Neither worked for our very head-strong boy (DS7). You know what did work for us though? Redirection. If I saw DS was about to do something that would warrant punishment, I immediately redirected. It was exhausting! We also had a 'good behavior' chart that allowed him to put stars up and to SEE his accomplishments. When he reached X number of stars, he was rewarded with one-on-one time with Daddy (which is a great treat for all of us :D).

[Lovedtodeath]

Is there anything that he could throw from the balcony that would be OK? cloth napkins, really small stuffed-animals, etc? I'd go that route first.

 

I'm in the thick of this now, too. My 3 yr-old is terribly persistent & mischevious.:glare: This too shall pass. :grouphug:

 

eta: duh - I was picturing an indoor balcony. My idea makes much less sense (if any at all) for an outdoor balcony. Sorry, nak.

It is an indoor balcony.

 

I'd sooner tether a child to me with a harness than time out or spank.....

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: You are wonderful!

Unfortunately, I have "proven that this approach doesn't work".:glare:

[hornblower]

It is an indoor balcony.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: You are wonderful!

Unfortunately, I have "proven that this approach doesn't work".:glare:

 

I am sorry - truly. That must be hard for everyone :grouphug:

[Parrothead]

If it were me, I'd keep what ever he is throwing off the balcony.

 

If spankings or time outs are not working. you need to find another way to take the joy out of the activity. Is he throwing his stuff? If he is, keep it. If he is throwing siblings things, siblings learn to keep their things where the 3-year old can't get to them - especially if you keep the thrown object. If it is your stuff or household items, you need to put them away where he can't access them.

 

If he has nothing to throw then he won't throw anything. Then he won't be getting in trouble, and there will be no need for spanking or time out.

[mo2]

Unfortunately, I have "proven that this approach doesn't work".:glare:

 

 

Oh, I know that feeling! I have also "proven" that what I do doesn't work.

[Lovedtodeath]

Oh, I know that feeling! I have also "proven" that what I do doesn't work.

:grouphug: Thanks

[Teachin'Mine]

Is he throwing things off the balcony for attention when he's on time out? Or is he doing it at other times for attention? Maybe he needs to have certain times in the day, fairly frequently, that he knows he'll have your undivided attention. He's kind of young to understand a timer, but he might catch on that when you set it, and he sees it getting closer to zero, that that's his time for just you two. Read him a book, play cars with him, or whatever he wants to do during that time. Then when you're done, set the timer again. You may also have a quick check on what he plans on doing until the timer goes off again. This might keep him busy enough that he won't need to get your attention in a negative way. Then again this may be a totally lame suggestion. :tongue_smilie:

Edited August 28, 2010 by Teachin'Mine

[Lovedtodeath]

Is he throwing things off the balcony for attention when he's on time out? Or is he doing it at other times for attention? Maybe he needs to have certain times in the day' date=' fairly frequently, that he knows he'll have your undivided attention. He's kind of young to understand a timer, but he might catch on that when you set it, and he sees it getting closer to zero, that that's his time for just you two. Read him a book, play cars with him, or whatever he wants to do during that time. Then when you're done, set the timer again. You may also have a quick check on what he plans on doing until the timer goes off again. This might keep him busy enough that he won't need to get your attention in a negative way. Then again this may be a totally lame suggestion. :tongue_smilie:[/quote']No I have tried to up his undivided attention quota. Do you have any specifics as to what the time should be and then how long I should play with him?

[Teachin'Mine]

Sorry about my first question- you had already answered that. :tongue_smilie:

 

I don't have any specifics, because I haven't done this. Being an only, my dd had my undivided attention all the time. Except when the phone rang. As soon as I started talking with a friend, or anyone for that matter, she would do EVERYTHING she knows she's not allowed to do. First it would start with questions, and when those would be met with a "not yet" signal, then she'd up the ante. :lol: It was amazing what she could do to get my attention in those few short minutes. I can only imagine that if throwing things off the balcony would have gotten my attention and gotten me off the phone, that she'd have made a regular habit of it too. :tongue_smilie:

 

I don't know what your schedule is like, but I know that they have very little ability to wait long times at 3 yo. I'd probably start with very short times, and increase them after he got the idea. Maybe 20 to 30 minutes to start, and maybe 5 minutes or so of your time? Maybe begin his time with a big hug for him? If you know how long he'll need, you can give your daughter some school work to be doing during this time, so she's not waiting on you too. He'll grow up soon enough. :)

Edited August 28, 2010 by Teachin'Mine