*If you are stressed, and not having fun, you're doing it wrong*

[dorothy]

That was what a professional therapist told me today. He hsed six dc - all succesful college and/or working adults. He focused on their strengths, skimmed through their weakness, had fun and tailored the work to their learnilng style (each kid was initally evaluated for this).

 

Now I will have to shoot myself. I stress all of the time. I am not having fun. I see reading lists, books to finish, projects undone, math facts to memorize, and kids resisting.

 

When I see all of the stuff to be learned, memorized, completed I want to skip the kids to private school (recent fantasy). This guy says - DO LESS, FOCUS ON STRENGTHS, ENJOY! What? There are book lists to be read, memory lists to be memorized, math fact to be nailed, dc to be taught a thorough Puritan Work Ethic! Enjoy? I can hardly survive.

 

Even when I commit to *Less is More* all of the learning opportunities creep up, I become anxious about all that we could be learning if I squeezed more in, and pile it on.

 

What to do? I remember hearing SWB say she wished her mom had not worried so. But, SWB is a genius and she went on to write a book (TWTM) that both inspires me and depresses me. No matter how many times you remind yourself that it is just a resource, all of the lists remind me that I could/should be getting more knowledge into their heads.

 

What is my point? Not sure except that this guy really rocked my world today. It is a sore spot and he dug into it. So, right now, I am doing it wrong and I don't know (don't have the courage) to do it any other way.

 

Thoughts? :confused:

[Crissy]

My thoughts? Just one.

 

It's easy to focus on the good times, and gloss over the rough patches when many years have passed.

[iquilt]

Well, I have to say I'm encouraged to hear that! I love it when DH comes home with stories from new clients who, after finding out we homeschool, will tell him all the wonderful things that happened for them as homeschooling graduates, etc. Every success story brings me hope after hearing about "that one kid who couldn't read in high school because his parents failed him at home" from one of my friends. It's the same kid and she tells me about him every week :( It sounds to me like he was saying that balance is key.

[Colleen]

...I wouldn't pay a dime to a "professional therapist" who feels the need to tell people they're "doing it wrong" if their reality doesn't mirror his own.

[Mama Lynx]

Crissy may have a point. However, back when my oldest was in kindergarten, I made a decision: I was not going to not have fun doing this.

 

Yes, we have bad days. Yes, I do still stress out from time to time. But in general, I really do enjoy what I do, and most days we have fun. For me, there is no point to doing this if it's going to leave me, and/or the kids, stressed and miserable. I refuse. I want to have fun. I believe with all my heart that I can have fun, the kids can have fun, AND I can give them an excellent education.

 

Sometimes I get into the mindset you are talking about ... all the lists, all the *stuff.* What if you took some time to read about more minimalist approaches to homeschooling? You could read LCC, or even some books on unschooling. What if the more minimalist WTMers started a thread, so that you could see, concretely, what we do?

 

What helped me was to examine my underlying philosophy of, and beliefs about, education. I identified the areas that were *most* important to me, and that is what I teach. Those are non-negotiable. If I do nothing else, my children will have an excellent education through those basics I have chosen. Everything else is gravy and icing.

[Jennifer in NH]

Out of curiousity....did he homeschool them, or did his wife do most of it? I am usually in some form of stress like you...feeling a need to get more in...but my dh is not stressed at all about the education they are getting. of course, most of the time he is away at work. He stresses out about that, I stress out about the kids. So, just thought that it might actually be that this man wasn't there all the time! I could be wrong...

[Heather in the Kootenays]

Out of curiousity....did he homeschool them, or did his wife do most of it? .

 

That was my first thought too. My dh finds way more fun things to say about homeschooling than I do sometimes. It's easier when you're a bit more removed.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

That was what a professional therapist told me today. He hsed six dc - all succesful college and/or working adults. He focused on their strengths, skimmed through their weakness, had fun and tailored the work to their learnilng style (each kid was initally evaluated for this).

 

Now I will have to shoot myself. I stress all of the time. I am not having fun. I see reading lists, books to finish, projects undone, math facts to memorize, and kids resisting.

 

When I see all of the stuff to be learned, memorized, completed I want to skip the kids to private school (recent fantasy). This guy says - DO LESS, FOCUS ON STRENGTHS, ENJOY! What? There are book lists to be read, memory lists to be memorized, math fact to be nailed, dc to be taught a thorough Puritan Work Ethic! Enjoy? I can hardly survive.

 

Even when I commit to *Less is More* all of the learning opportunities creep up, I become anxious about all that we could be learning if I squeezed more in, and pile it on.

 

What to do? I remember hearing SWB say she wished her mom had not worried so. But, SWB is a genius and she went on to write a book (TWTM) that both inspires me and depresses me. No matter how many times you remind yourself that it is just a resource, all of the lists remind me that I could/should be getting more knowledge into their heads.

 

What is my point? Not sure except that this guy really rocked my world today. It is a sore spot and he dug into it. So, right now, I am doing it wrong and I don't know (don't have the courage) to do it any other way.

 

Thoughts? :confused:

 

Ok, wait, what? HE homeschooled them? Or he planned their schooling?

 

No offense to our spectacular male board pals here on the message boards, but it's a really unusual situation to hear that a man homeschools six kids. Not impossible. Not crazy. Not wrong, or anything. But... HE homeschooled them?

 

You simply must find out for us.

 

I used to stress over parenting "manuals" written by dads who were NOT 24 hours a day in the trenches, or pediatricians or theologians who were actually, er, childfree. Parenting sounded so simple. What was I doing wrong? Whence all this angst?

 

:001_huh:

 

Then, you know, I got a clue.

 

And, well, he's probably right. And I'm right there with you with the tendency to pile it on. And if he DID school them and simply knew where they were going and had a clear plan and no anxiety about dealing with six children's futures, then more power to him.

 

But I'd really like to know if he did. And IF he did, how did he juggle the diapers and the sorrowful 2 y/o and the barfing dog and the 4 y/o that needed a hug NOW, daddy! and the nutritious dinner and the sheer enormity of it all. Times six.

 

I've noticed a couple of things: * Parenting is always quite simple in theory.

 

*Hindsight is very often rosy-colored. You must squint to see the real picture and objects were larger than they appear in that mirror. Sometimes kids turn out great *despite* some of the weirdness we introduce into their paths. And then it's easy to say, "Well, see now, that was the right thing to do, after all. Look how well *that * turned out."

 

*People who plan but do not execute very often don't see the nitty-gritty details of execution the same way as those who, say, actually do the educating. Not saying he didn't. Not saying he's not right, on principle. Just... sayin'.

 

KWIM?

[j.griff]

Hugs. Re-evaluate. What are your ultimate goals? Think about the BIG picture here too, is your ultimate and only goal, to raise kids with their heads crammed full? Is that your goal at all? Is that your goal even at the expense of your/their emotional well-being? Life is not a set of instructions to be followed, it is a journey to be experienced. The fact is, you CAN NOT DO IT ALL. You can NOT teach them *everything*. Are you instilling a love of learning in them? If so, then that IS enough. As long as you teach them HOW to learn, and teach them that learning is fun, then they will be fine. You need to realize your personal limits, and stop reading TWTM. :-)

If reading TWTM is making you a stressed out crazy mom, it's NOT doing you any good. You can't possibly squeeze EVERYthing in. Just do the what you can, each day. Don't kick yourself for not doing it all, they have their whole lives to learn!

And I am saying this to try to encourage you, not to pick at you- not at all.

[JudoMom]

Ok, wait, what? HE homeschooled them? Or he planned their schooling?

 

No offense to our spectacular male members here on the message boards, but it's a really unusual situation to hear that a man homeschools six kids. Not impossible. Not crazy. Not wrong, or anything. But... HE homeschooled them?

 

You simply must find out for us.

 

I used to stress over parenting "manuals" written by dads who were NOT 24 hours a day in the trenches, or pediatricians or theologians who were actually, er, childfree. Parenting sounded so simple. What was I doing wrong? Whence all this angst?

 

:001_huh:

 

Then, you know, I got a clue.

 

And, well, he's probably right. And I'm right there with you with the tendency to pile it on. And if he DID school them and simply know where they were going and have a clear plan and no anxiety about dealing with six children's futures, then more power to him.

 

But I'd really like to know if he did. And IF he did, how did he juggle the diapers and the sorrowful 2 y/o and the barfing dog and the 4 y/o that needed a hug NOW, daddy! and the nutritious dinner and the sheer enormity of it all. Times six.

 

I've noticed a couple of things: Parenting is always quite simple in theory.

 

Hindsight is very often rosy-colored. You must squint to see the real picture and objects were larger than they appear in that mirror. Sometimes kids turn out great *despite* some of the weirdness we introduce into their paths. And then it's easy to say, "Well, see now, that was the right thing to do, after all. Look how well *that * turned out."

 

People who plan but do not execute very often don't see the nitty-gritty details of execution the same way as those who, say, actually do the educating. Not saying he didn't. Not saying he's not right, on principle. Just... sayin'.

 

KWIM?

 

if'n indeed he did, in fact, do it all himself, I want some of what he was smokin'. That's all I'm sayin' :p.

[Brindee]

I don't think anyone can tell you what's right or wrong for YOUR children. They can tell you what and how they did it, but these are your children!

 

That said, there may be ways that you could relax a little, take a step back, and re-evaluate your priorities for your homeschool. If you really don't want to do school at home, but want a schedule that you and your kids are more relaxed with, then as someone else said, research it and see what you can come up with to ease your mind some, and that the kids will enjoy. I think it's different for every person/homeschool, so I can't tell you exactly what to do, but I can encourage you in that if you really want a change, there are probably things you could do.

 

Best wishes!

[PariSarah]

Crissy and Jennifer in NH gave two very good explanations for why he (erroneously) believes as he does.

 

But if he thinks homeschooling and/or parenting is 100% stress-free, and 100% fun, he is oblivious.

 

Now, if he had said, "You know, it really shouldn't be this stressful for you. I think you could stand to focus more on their strengths and be less insistent about their weaknesses," I'd be okay with that. I would take some time to sort through my expectations and see whether they were reasonable. I would do some comparison to real people rather than to SWB (and I mean that in the most charitable way possible, SWB!). It would be, potentially, useful advice.

 

But if your report of his phrasing is at all accurate, he's just wrong. Parenting and homeschooling are work. Good work--the best kind of work. As such, they are decidedly not always fun, and they do involve stress. 100% fun, 100% stress-free things are things you spend the odd Saturday on. They are not what you dedicate chunks of your life to.

[Colleen]

Lowering your stress, enjoying your days more ~ yes, that's very do-able and you should pursue it whole-heartedly. Part of it is a matter of not playing the comparison game. Gleaning nuggets of wisdom for those who have gone before you is great; comparing yourself in the manner of a dog chasing its tail is not. So someone else feels memorizing this or that list or "nailing" math facts is of great import? So what? Do *you* agree? (More often than not, I don't.:)) I don't know how many children you have, or their ages, or how long you've been schooling, but I am here to tell you that there is zero need to cram everything into the here and now ~ and what is "everything", anyway?

 

For a dose of encouragement and wisdom, read my friend Julie Bogart's Bravewriter blog. She's a gem.

 

http://www.bravewriter.com/blog2/

[Night Elf]

Another since you asked, but a different point of view... I think that therapist is spot on! To keep it brief, I think it's important to work on strengths and not stress about weaknesses. In my own personal experience as an adult, I have not gravitated towards my weaknesses. It doesn't make sense to do that. My DH is another example who followed his strengths, and he's successful as we define success, which will probably be different for all of us.

 

I absolutely love homeschooling. I love textbooks, history books, workbooks, TWTM, all of it. My kids, OTOH, don't love the same things as I do. When I think about my childhood, I didn't love all that book learning either. It's taken maturity and wisdom for me to have enough interest to learn about alot of stuff now that I happily ignored as a child. I've no doubt my kids will follow in our footsteps, keeping the bits they find interesting and useful and tossing the rest. So I just don't see a need to put so much stress on me and my family to achieve some body of knowledge that my kids will ultimately pick and choose from anyway. I'm not sure how else to word that.

 

I'm enjoying my time with my family. We play and read, love, live and learn. It's just life.

[CalicoKat]

That was what a professional therapist told me today. He hsed six dc - all succesful college and/or working adults. He focused on their strengths, skimmed through their weakness, had fun and tailored the work to their learnilng style (each kid was initally evaluated for this).

 

Now I will have to shoot myself. I stress all of the time. I am not having fun. I see reading lists, books to finish, projects undone, math facts to memorize, and kids resisting.

 

When I see all of the stuff to be learned, memorized, completed I want to skip the kids to private school (recent fantasy). This guy says - DO LESS, FOCUS ON STRENGTHS, ENJOY! What? There are book lists to be read, memory lists to be memorized, math fact to be nailed, dc to be taught a thorough Puritan Work Ethic! Enjoy? I can hardly survive.

 

Even when I commit to *Less is More* all of the learning opportunities creep up, I become anxious about all that we could be learning if I squeezed more in, and pile it on.

 

What to do? I remember hearing SWB say she wished her mom had not worried so. But, SWB is a genius and she went on to write a book (TWTM) that both inspires me and depresses me. No matter how many times you remind yourself that it is just a resource, all of the lists remind me that I could/should be getting more knowledge into their heads.

 

What is my point? Not sure except that this guy really rocked my world today. It is a sore spot and he dug into it. So, right now, I am doing it wrong and I don't know (don't have the courage) to do it any other way.

 

Thoughts? :confused:

 

He homeschooled them, or his wife? If he didn't actually do the work he's not qualified to give you advice. I mean was he home 24/7 with six youngsters or did he mosey in for the evening stretch before bedtime?

[CalicoKat]

He homeschooled them, or his wife? If he didn't actually do the work he's not qualified to give you advice. I mean was he home 24/7 with six youngsters or did he mosey in for the evening stretch before bedtime?

sorry I didn't read all the posts before I repeated what has been already said. In my fatigue I was a bit put out by any male who isn't home all day in the booger trenches telling me how to enjoy my day. I need to :chillpill:

[j.griff]

Interesting. I think the subject line of this thread is right on. My first thought upon reading the subject line was "Yes! Words to live by." And the second thought was, "OR- you're not doing what YOU are supposed to be doing." Not saying the OP shouldn't be HSing, BUT- if she's not enjoying it at all and is obsessing about cramming EVERYthing into their education, then MAYBE they'd be better off sending the kids to school. Just a thought.

 

ETA: accidentally posted before I was done.

 

Also, I don't think that the phrase implies that each and every second and each and every detail should be absolutely FUN FUN FUN and bother free- I think it just means that in "general"- IF you are NOT having fun, you're not doing it right. KWIM?

[Colleen]

I was reacting to the wording dorothy placed in quotes. Would you respond well to being told that if you experience stressors you're "doing it wrong"? I doubt it.

 

(On second thought, after posting, I see dorothy used asterixes, not quotes. So perhaps those weren't his words, but what she took away from the conversation...)

[j.griff]

But, WE weren't there, we didn't hear the whole session. So, we don't know the exact context of his quote, we're only hearing one side of the "conversation" here. And I "hear" the quote differently than many of you seem to be hearing it. I hear it as releasing you from such a burden, as opposed to criticizing your method.

[amy g.]

I'm starting to think that innate intelligence and personality play a part as well as teaching style.

 

I am pretty relaxed. My relationship with my kids is more important than any school work. I'll go so far as to say that I focus on what is fun.

 

My kids are getting old enough that I can see that this approach is going to work for us. They are all thriving.

 

I don't want to go around telling people how they should be a slacker like I am, because their kid might really need to do every Math problem every day, and mine just needed to read the instructions to understand the concept.

 

My sister-in-law always comments on how my kids choose to learn on their own. Maybe I became less structured because of their natural tendency to teach themselves.

 

We had company over who started quizzing my son on Science and Social Studies. I had not taught any of the topics he was asking about. But my son knew the right answers. It turns out that he was reading the encyclopedia in bed, and I didn't know it.

 

It would be nice if I could advise friends not to bother teaching, because kids will pick it up on their own, but there are kids who will not pick it up by themselves, or from fun activities and projects. Some people, like me, need to have things explained, and drawn out, and explained again, and processed and digested then practiced.

 

I love hearing homeschooling success stories, but I think success is the INTERACTION between the teaching environment and the child's natural ability.

[Colleen]

I'm sincerely wondering if those words ~ "you're doing it wrong" ~ were uttered by this man. Because I do understand the *sentiment*. Of course I can assume the spirit of his comment and put it in a positive light and so on and so forth. But as far as saying verbatim, "you're doing it wrong" ~ about homeschooling, of all things! As if there is a "right" and "wrong". That comes across to me as very condescending. On the other hand, if hearing it helps dorothy make steps toward less stress and more enjoyment, then so much the better, I suppose.:)

[Colleen]

...in a reply to you I just posted. I don't doubt that in the broader context, he may have offered a great deal of encouraging, thought-provoking advice. But since dorothy chose those words ("you're doing it wrong") as her subject line ~ and since I assumed (perhaps incorrectly) ~ that he said those words, that's what I was first addressing. Clear as mud?;)

[beansprouts]

Well, I have to say I'm encouraged to hear that! I love it when DH comes home with stories from new clients who, after finding out we homeschool, will tell him all the wonderful things that happened for them as homeschooling graduates, etc. Every success story brings me hope after hearing about "that one kid who couldn't read in high school because his parents failed him at home" from one of my friends. It's the same kid and she tells me about him every week :( It sounds to me like he was saying that balance is key.

 

Every year public high schools graduate kids who can't read.

[Carol in Cal.]

But, it is worth noting that SWB doesn't follow the WTM exactly with all of her children. I heard her say this myself! And she also is very empowering when she talks about parents' right and responsibility to choose the best way to educate their own children. I wish that you could see her in person sometime. It would take ALL the stress out of TWTM, I think.

[dorothy]

I meant use quotes. It is what he said verbatim. About whether it was him of his wife, I don't know - he always says "we" so maybe it was a combo. I am not saying that he is wrong or right. I am just saying that it was very hard to hear this because I am constantly torn on this issue. I wholeheartedly believe in hsing and do a lot of great things with the kids, but I am always anxious and pushing as well. I am worried that my dd can't seem to memorize her multiplication facts, resists writing and has a fit every time she meets with a challenge. I have another who is struggling with math at her level. I rarely get to science. They love history and would spend all day on that and reading but we take so long with other issues that those lessons get shortchanged. The day flies by and the plan to bake, do project, go for a walk gets put on the backburner. I grew up in a house where all work had to be done before any fun could be had. It seems there is always work and we can't get to the fun. I have tried putting the fun first - the work doesn't get done and then the dc completely avoid the work. So, I just push on. So, whether he was exagerating his role, his methods, or his successes is not my concern but rather the question of my rold, my methods, and my successes/unsucceses.

 

I would love to hear from RELAXED classical parents. What are the edited lists of what to read, what to memorize, what to learn? I always see the 1,000 books list. I want the 10 books list.

 

Thanks for all the posts so far.

 

Oh, I have 4 dc ages 10, 7, 5, 2.

 

Thanks.

[Bess]

My thoughts? Just one.

 

It's easy to focus on the good times, and gloss over the rough patches when many years have passed.

 

I think you have something there!!! I remember talking with my MIL before I was due to give birth to my first child. We were talking about the pain factor of childbirth, and I remember her saying, "well it's over so fast", as if it wasn't such a big deal. HA! Yes, years have a way of fading the memory!!

[Bess]

I would love to hear from RELAXED classical parents. What are the edited lists of what to read, what to memorize, what to learn? I always see the 1,000 books list. I want the 10 books list.

 

 

Our idea of a relaxed classical approach is doing the Robinson Curriculum. It's freed us from much anxiety.

[my2kidsmom]

No one can be having fun all the time...everyone has stress. That shrink might need to talk to someone because he's bound to have some unresolved issues and is suppressing alot of anxiety that he's going to blow one dad!!! ;)

[EKS]

My first question is--did he personally do the homeschooling or did his wife do it? Maybe she had all the stress and he had all the fun!

 

Edited to add: I just managed to scroll down and found others with the same idea--sorry to repeat!

[Laurie4b]

My thoughts? Just one.

 

It's easy to focus on the good times, and gloss over the rough patches when many years have passed.

 

 

My "baby" is now in late grammar stage and my memories are all about snuggling, walking with my "little buddy", etc. However, I have friends with toddlers and preschoolers who are stressing out. I tell them, "Enjoy the good parts!" Although I know cognitively that it was not nice being sleep deprived, or having a two year old disobey you across the room just when you had sat down to nurse the baby, etc. that is not what I think of when I remember those days. I just remember how much I adored them! ( I still do, of course, but it's a different kind of relationship.)

[PrairieAir]

I've just skimmed the first page very briefly, but there have been some valid points made. Even so, I'd say there's probably a good bit of truth to what he told you. If you're stressing that much, you probably do need to step back and re-evaluate things a little. Put less emphasis on checking items off your list and more emphasis on doing what you can get to well and enjoying it.

 

Of course, I'm of the opinion that if homeschooling is not happening without a good deal of stress to one or all family members, it may not be worth doing. Stress and battles between oldest ds and me are the main reasons why oldest ds started public school in 9th grade. He needed to be away from me and learning from other people and I needed time away from him to appreciate him more and focus on the younger two who were getting lost in the struggle. Our family life improved greatly with the space that public school made available, as did ds' attitude and relationship with me.

 

For me, homeschooling is not the be all end all that it seems to be for some. It wasn't worth sacrificing family relationships to continue. The middle two are now in public school as well, though not for the same reasons. I still enjoy reading, learning, and discussing with my older three children. And that one word is the most important to me: ENJOY. My children are not in any grave danger or suffering academically at this particular public school. I want to enjoy this time while they are still young and I want them to enjoy our family life as well. I do not want to kill their love of learning because of whatever family dynamic or any imposed checklist either. Do what works. Enjoy being a family and learning together whether it is for school, after school, or in the odd moment between.

[Crissy]

About whether it was him of his wife, I don't know - he always says "we" so maybe it was a combo.

 

LOL! My husband says "we", but all that means in our case is that the children in "our" family are homeschooled. :D

[PariSarah]

I would love to hear from RELAXED classical parents. What are the edited lists of what to read, what to memorize, what to learn? I always see the 1,000 books list. I want the 10 books list.

 

Some things that we do that keep my stress level down:

 

* I don't write out lesson plans. I write out lessons accomplished. It doesn't matter what we should have done--it matters what we did. I'm pretty confident that, in general, I push when I should be pushing and I back off when he needs more time/space. I'm confident that, at worst, he's not as "ahead" or "good" or "accomplished" as he could be. But he's doing fine compared to where he absolutely needs to be. So that's enough. I write down what we did, not what I hope we'll do.

 

* I've set up a reading time rather than a reading list. I have a very, very few "required" reading assignments. Otherwise, I get out a boatload of books from the library on topics relevant to our curriculum (the SOTW suggestions, or science books for the right topic, or bios for the scientists that we encounter, or musicians from the SOTW period, fiction that's set in our time period or that involves a science topic, whatever) and at all reading levels. Some are way too hard, some are way too easy. During reading time, he takes the stack of books to his room and reads what he wants. I ask for oral reports of what he's read. Some days, he gets fascinated by a concept and chugs through a tough book; other days, he skims ten easy ones. Either one is fine. with. me.

 

(A side benefit of this practice--an hour to an hour and a half of quiet time for me, too.)

 

* I do give ds some choice as to what he'll do next. I have a general idea of how often I'd like to be doing each subject per week, and I give him a lot of latitude within that structure. I tell him, for ex., "Okay, you need to get five subjects done today, and I don't care which. Pick." Or, maybe, "Okay, you've done math four times so far this week, but you're light on spelling and grammar. Which do you want to hit first?" I don't know how you'd massage this with more than one student--if there's anything they have to do together, maybe schedule the times they do that, and give them some choice over the rest?

 

These are ways I've tried to take unnecessary stress out of my life. I am by no means stress-free. But by making these things as unstressy as possible, I'm free to stress over what really matters. :tongue_smilie:

[Peela]

I think I am pretty relaxed nowadays, and I do have fun. In fact, I really , really enjoy homeschooling.

However, in the past I have certainly stressed trying to do it right, by other people's standards...not that they cared or even had a clue I exist!

I have stopped to re-evaluate what sort of a childhood I want my kids to have, and whether pushing them so hard is worth it. It isn't, for me, because I don't want them to remember me pushing and yelling, stressing. I would rather they remember me happy. And I would rather be happy and enjoy this journey together.

I think the answer is to stop giving up your authority up to other people and take it back for yourself. Trust yourself. You wont fail them by taking time for the fun things. You won't fail them by relaxing. Breathe.

I have been doing this for long enough now (5 years) to realise there are a lot of authorities out there, and they often differ in their opinions, so what is important to me? You have to become an authority for your own family, and just know you are doing whats right for them. Then no matter how many hours a day you homeschool, you can relax knowing it is right for you, and let go of external authorities.

There are no WTM police, no LCC police, no Classical Homeschooling Police, no CM police, no one judging you whose opinion matters at all! There is actually no getting it right. Get what right? What is "it"? Just do what you do and stop worrying about what you can't do. You can't do it all.

If what that bloke said (and his opinion doesn't matter either) touched something in you, maybe its time to look at your priorities outside of academics, and find a better way to balance them with academics. We do Latin, maths, we write lots, we love the 4 year history cycle, we read heaps, do grammar, Shakespeare and lots of other stuff, but we don't work all day. We have lots of time for play and fun. In fact right now I am waiting for them to get home from surfing. It has cut into our morning a bit, but it's not every week, so I let them go.

This is their childhood, now. It is not merely a preparation for their future as adults, this is their life, today, and it's our lives today as well. I like to remember, what if I was to die tomorrow? What would I want to do today?

[pixelroper]

Was he speaking more to your "frame of mind"? I do believe that life in general is what you make of it. We are our own worst enemy when it comes down to it. I'm wondering if it wasn't so much as what you are doing is "wrong" as you aren't happy being your problem and you can change that by making changes in your expectations and how you look at it. I doubt he was sharing his story in a way to make you feel worse (and I do not think you are saying that- his story just made you feel worse), most likely he was trying to change your approach to hs, and point out the stress is perhaps self imposed.

 

I do like the "less is more" mostly b/c I know it works, I'm still susceptible loading it on and need to reevaluate every year. The reason I'm draw to LCC & do a mix of WTM is b/c we have never been able follow science & history (and art & music) to a "T." I'm confident that great learning skills allow one to learn anything well. So I do not worry about anything but the essentials, everything else is extra. I'm relaxed after the required math, language arts, & Latin are completed (about 3 hours tops). I'm also fortunate that dd loves to read about anything.

 

As for hindsight- I do find this funny- my parents insist all of us were perfect angels :001_huh: and seem to have truly forgotten a great many "incidences." My siblings and I know this was not the case at all. We LOL.

[Mrs Mungo]

if'n indeed he did, in fact, do it all himself, I want some of what he was smokin'. That's all I'm sayin' :p.

 

:lol:

[Jennifer in NH]

Some ways to get your kids to relax and actually learn...games! There are a ton of math games to play, even just rolling dice and adding or multilpying the numbers rolled...same things with dominoes..my kids love picking up a dominoe and multiplying the two sides together! You can come up with your own version of rewards for right answers...mine get to keep the dominoes (for the duration of the game).

rent dvds about science or, if you have cable or direct TV watch the scrince channel with them or the Discovery channel...there are a slew of science games as well! I have been known to take days off of 'school" and just relax...my kids ask to watch things like "Schoolhouse rock". it might not be actual school but they do really pick stuff up! Okay, my toddler has woken up and is crying so i need to go...good luck!

[Brindee]

We also have a reading time each day: We have had it since my kids were little. We call it QRT (Quiet Reading Time). I don't force my kids to read certain things. Sometimes I get a stack of books and send them into the room with the kids, so they choose what they want to read from ones I've picked. But mostly they are great readers and choose wisely.

 

I stopped trying to involve them in so many outside activities, they actually like it better that way!

 

Other people have mentioned other things they do, just thought I'd chime in on support of QRT, or whatever you want to call it. During that time, you do something for YOU. It's a relaxing time that can help rejuvenate you enough to be ready to "face the giants" for the afternoon!

[percytruffle]

I grew up in a house where all work had to be done before any fun could be had. It seems there is always work and we can't get to the fun.

 

The work and the fun can be and often should be the same thing. The work doesn't have to constitute "drudgery" and the fun/play/extra activities are often how children learn best. Play is learning. Fun is learning. Fun is work. Work is fun.

 

I know this is simplistic, but I like to think of Mary Poppins and her Spoon Full of Sugar song while the kiddos are tidying up the nursery. She makes the work a game and the job is done in no time at all. What motivates your kids? What motivates most kids? For that matter, what motivates most adults? Enjoying what needs to be done. If our attitude is positive the task is momentously easier than when we are forced to "put our noses to the grindstone" because the work must be done first. Instead of focusing on getting things done and checking things off lists, focus on the joy of the learning and you will soon see those lists becoming filled with check marks.

 

You can't separate learning from life and compartmentalize it. Life is learning. Are you enjoying your life? Do you have joy in your day to day living? Let it flow over into your kids. Get excited about the subject they are learning. Motivate them and then let them lead, following along, encouraging, guiding. The best sort of teacher isn't the drill sargent, he/she is the encourager, the enabler, the facilitator. The one who helps the child uncover the joy of learning.

 

We are pretty relaxed here. I won't say all our days are joyous ones, but we laugh a lot and we play a lot, and both of my dc are successful young people. I quote from Lisa in Wa's blog, "I am preparing them for Heaven, not for Harvard." What is your goal? Why do you homeschool? Keep that goal ahead of you. Write it down. Look at it often.

[PrairieAir]

I started to link this post a week ago (can't remember which thread), but it is a good one and it seems to fit with this thread as well, so I'm linkin' it now:D I don't know if Heather is a member of this forum or not, but I sure have enjoyed some of her posts.

[WTMindy]

My thoughts? Just one.

 

It's easy to focus on the good times, and gloss over the rough patches when many years have passed.

 

Oh, you are so darn smart!!

[dorothy]

What you said about caring about the kids is the source. Misguided but definitely the source. I feel so inadequate in my own education and have so often been ignorant when I needed to be knowledgeable that I am afraid I will fail to give them all they need to not have those same experiences when they grow up. I am scared. Now that I am typing it I am getting it. I always wanted to be smart, educated, and well read. That was IT for me and I got a crappy education and am trying to make up for it now. My friends are "smarter" and better educated and their hsed dc are doing amazing work - way beyond my dc - and I feel like I am failing my dc. OK, this is making me get real sad now.

[Denise in IN]

What you said about caring about the kids is the source. Misguided but definitely the source. I feel so inadequate in my own education and have so often been ignorant when I needed to be knowledgeable that I am afraid I will fail to give them all they need to not have those same experiences when they grow up. I am scared. Now that I am typing it I am getting it. I always wanted to be smart, educated, and well read. That was IT for me and I got a crappy education and am trying to make up for it now. My friends are "smarter" and better educated and their hsed dc are doing amazing work - way beyond my dc - and I feel like I am failing my dc. OK, this is making me get real sad now.

 

:grouphug: Dorothy, I'm sad for you, as it seems you're working hard but feeling inadequate, guilty and stressed. Battling with those feelings can really wear a person down! As if being a mom of four and homeschooling wasn't already wearing enough!

 

A few thoughts come to mind as I read your posts in this thread:

 

Comparison with others can be so destructive. Trust your instincts to know what is best for your family, your children, your self. Everyone's family, home and schooling is going to look a little different. It's okay. That's the beauty of homeschooling - you can choose which path is best for your family.

 

There's no way to "learn it all". Not now. Not in the school years. Not ever. And learning certainly doesn't have to "fit" into K-12. I would encourage you to think about what is most important to you. What things are essential, not to be missed? What things are appealing, but if you don't get to all of them it's fine? What things are just plain unnecessary? Your children have a lifetime to learn. Strive first of all to ignite in them the spark of desire to keep learning long after you're done teaching them!

 

Last of all, try to see TWTM as a guide rather than a leash. Here's a link to a post Susan wrote about this (you'll have to scroll down to get to Susan's post). Banish the guilt! SWB has given us a wonderful resource, a guide, a goal, a path. Don't let it become a "weight" that drags you down.

[gardenschooler]

It sounds like you're stressed by

 

a-comparing yourself to other homeschoolers

 

b-not having a clear plan of what YOU want out of your school

 

c-not having a clear way to accomplish that each day

 

d-listening to this guy's fond memories of his wonderful, high-achieving, relaxed homeschool. (Yeah, right. My dh is pretty relaxed about the homeschooling, too. :glare: He knows I'm taking care of it!)

 

If you have goals in mind of working towards something in the realm of 'relaxed classical', reading 10 good books, or maybe even doing something closer to what your friends do, pick one thing. One thing. And work on it. For us, sometimes that's ramping up our reading level, or devoting more time to writing. When I feel we've made some progress, I go to the next thing I want to see some improvement in.

 

It might help you to formulate even some vague notion in your head of what you're trying to achieve, both long-term and short term. I find it pretty hard to fix a car while I'm driving it, so I like to think ahead. I generally don't switch horses mid-stream (I'm full of cliches :lol:). I might reevaluate a teeny bit each week, more each quarter, and a good bit each semester, but my main strategy is to decide on a plan and work it for the year. This means I put lots of energy into committing to what I think is the right plan (and why I spend each spring to summer planning out the next year), but I don't second-guess myself once I've decided. I just work it to completion, ramp it up or slow it down, but I work it.

 

Whether you feel ready to plan next year or just next week, it might be helpful to you to sit down and think it through, and then have confidence in your previously made decisions while you're doing it. You can second-guess yourself the next time you sit down to decide what you're going to try to do.

 

If WTM is something you're trying to do, choose one thing and try to implement it. Get good at it - get comfortable teaching it. Learn it yourself. Then move on to the next thing you want to add WTM-style. Don't try to jump in the pool without splashing in the shallow end first. That would make anyone scared!

 

And on the flip side, don't bang your head against the wall. You know, your dd may pick up her times tables with no problem whatsoever - next year. Or she may do it this year. If that's one short-term goal, then work on it. Until it's done. But tell yourself that that's exactly what you'll do - work on it, until it's done. Even if it takes a bit longer than you'd hoped. If you do a little every day, she will eventually learn them, right? And that's the goal. If you tell yourself that, it will take some stress off of you in thinking, "Ok, we have to do this before we can move on." Do a different math topic for awhile, and keep practicing the times tables for 5 minutes a day. Take the pressure off. It'll come. When you see yourself getting frustrated, step back. Keep your clear goals in mind, just try to side-step anything that will get in the way of them. Frustration and feelings of inadequacy will get in the way. Big time.

 

For the actual flow of your day, maybe it would help you to just have a few things you try to get done each day. I've had times that I picked only one day a week (or a month) to do art, science, baking, etc. Keep your list of basics short - math, writing, grammar, reading. Adding just one or two things to each day can be a good way to get some things done at all vs. never, in times of stress or transition.

 

Go along with a plan - what do I want to do next week? How much can I realistically get done in one day? Make your goals short and achievable, and enjoy some success before adding anymore. Develop your own rhythm that is conducive to getting those few things done. You'll feel on top of the world for accomplishing everything you set out to do! Do a few things and do them well, and you'll see a change in yourself that will enable you to do more.

 

And don't listen to that guy anymore. Or me, or anyone else here, if it doesn't sound like something that would work for you and your kids. Figure out your first short-term plan, and figure out how you can make it happen. Then just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You'll get there.

[Susan Wise Bauer]

What to do? I remember hearing SWB say she wished her mom had not worried so.

 

Yeah. Well, I expect in twenty years my kids will be saying the same thing about me. Not worrying is my GOAL. Like everyone else, I wake up at 2 AM and wonder if I'm ruining my kids.

 

(I'm not kidding. Is there a mom out there who DOESN'T do this? I'm not sure I'll believe you if you post, but go right ahead.)

 

A certain level of anxiety is part of the process, and I don't think it's realistic to expect yourself to be anxiety-free. Anyway, why are fun and stress mutually exclusive? They often go together in important undertakings.

 

If you're not having ANY fun, I'd re-evaluate. You sound like you're putting yourself under an enormous amount of pressure. (Maybe you could ease up on the Protestant work ethic a bit? :001_smile:)

 

But I kind of wish the therapist had asked you: OK, at what point would you feel NOT stressed? How much home schooling would you have to do, in order to feel that you were doing a perfectly adequate job? What would your kids need to learn so that you felt you'd done your job right?

 

And then there are a string of questions that follow this...When would you feel that you've been a good enough wife? When is your house clean enough...? You get the idea. I've been there and done that. It's exhausting. For me, right now it takes the form: When have you covered the History of the World in ENOUGH detail? The answer is: Never. No job I could ever do would match up to the standard I have in my mind.

 

Anxiety is so often unconnected with what we're actually doing; it's connected with some perfect ideal we've set up for ourselves, one that can never be reached by any human being at any time.

 

I don't know if any of this makes sense to you. And I don't know you, or your therapist. But if you were one of my close friends, telling me this, I'd say: I think you need to find a therapist who understands grace. Otherwise, "having fun" becomes one more of those impossible standards you set up for yourself, and you'll collapse under its weight.

 

SWB

[readwithem]

Some things that we do that keep my stress level down:

 

* I don't write out lesson plans. I write out lessons accomplished. It doesn't matter what we should have done--it matters what we did. I'm pretty confident that, in general, I push when I should be pushing and I back off when he needs more time/space. I'm confident that, at worst, he's not as "ahead" or "good" or "accomplished" as he could be. But he's doing fine compared to where he absolutely needs to be. So that's enough. I write down what we did, not what I hope we'll do.

 

* I've set up a reading time rather than a reading list. I have a very, very few "required" reading assignments. Otherwise, I get out a boatload of books from the library on topics relevant to our curriculum (the SOTW suggestions, or science books for the right topic, or bios for the scientists that we encounter, or musicians from the SOTW period, fiction that's set in our time period or that involves a science topic, whatever) and at all reading levels. Some are way too hard, some are way too easy. During reading time, he takes the stack of books to his room and reads what he wants. I ask for oral reports of what he's read. Some days, he gets fascinated by a concept and chugs through a tough book; other days, he skims ten easy ones. Either one is fine. with. me.

 

(A side benefit of this practice--an hour to an hour and a half of quiet time for me, too.)

 

* I do give ds some choice as to what he'll do next. I have a general idea of how often I'd like to be doing each subject per week, and I give him a lot of latitude within that structure. I tell him, for ex., "Okay, you need to get five subjects done today, and I don't care which. Pick." Or, maybe, "Okay, you've done math four times so far this week, but you're light on spelling and grammar. Which do you want to hit first?" I don't know how you'd massage this with more than one student--if there's anything they have to do together, maybe schedule the times they do that, and give them some choice over the rest?

 

These are ways I've tried to take unnecessary stress out of my life. I am by no means stress-free. But by making these things as unstressy as possible, I'm free to stress over what really matters. :tongue_smilie:

 

:iagree: The system won't let me rep you again - sigh. But I totally agree, particularly about giving the student choices and about not doing lesson plans - just "do the next thing" :)

[percytruffle]

 

I don't know if any of this makes sense to you. And I don't know you, or your therapist. But if you were one of my close friends, telling me this, I'd say: I think you need to find a therapist who understands grace. Otherwise, "having fun" becomes one more of those impossible standards you set up for yourself, and you'll collapse under its weight.

 

SWB

 

Yes, indeed. It's always beneficial to keep in mind that "fun" and "happiness" are often measured in wordly, pleasurable, selfish ways. They are transient and dependent upon our situation and our perception.

 

Joy comes from within. It is a decision you make within your heart and mind. With it comes peace, not a longing for more like "fun" encourages. Work and planning, done with an ultimate goal in mind, and then relaxing and letting it happen with confidence can bring about joy in homeschooling and in life.

 

I don't strive for fun, I strive for joy and the fun is a side effect.

[Karen sn]

You should read Summerhill.

[Linda in NM]

I do like your point about grace...I tend to agree with the therapist on a general level (my mantra has always been, "if it aint fun, don't do it..." --even when it comes to math facts! What's the fun way to learn them--games like Pix It <or whatever it was>...) I read daily to my 13 yos; we're reading Robinson Crusoe and Gay Neck (the book about the pigeon)...he's reading Roll of Thunder and enjoying it...

 

"I don't know if any of this makes sense to you. And I don't know you, or your therapist. But if you were one of my close friends, telling me this, I'd say: I think you need to find a therapist who understands grace. Otherwise, "having fun" becomes one more of those impossible standards you set up for yourself, and you'll collapse under its weight"

 

While we all worry about our children, whether we have one or 15, and whether they're 10 or 50 (true!), we can balance the intangibles, too...how many books are enough? Like Peela said, there are no CM police, no WTM police...each child will thrive in the "right" environment. If I were picking the homeschooling curriculum I like best, it would not be the one I use for my son. He is thriving; I'd prefer something with more arts and crafts (which would drive him crazy). I chose to homeschool before he was born--I believe in individualizing instruction, and I don't see any public school systems even coming close (although they do try to differentiate, or so my grad students tell me...)

 

Just a lot of different thoughts to tell you that what you're doing is probably ok. What do you remember from middle school (junior high, in my day)? I remember going to Shakespeare plays at the Beverly Theatre in the Round, going to the Fine Arts museum...field trips. From elementary school, I remember walking the Freedom Trail and going to a dairy...I remember our oceanography teacher, who came once/week in 6th grade, I remember being in a play, I remember some poems, and I remember drawing the turkey on the board at Thanksgiving...that's about it. I went on to earn my Ph.D. at 26...What do you remember? What will your children remember?

[dorothy]

I cannot thank you all enough for these posts. This has been a revelation to me. I think I am struggling with "How or When is Enough Enough?" in all areas. But, of course, because I already worry intensely about ruining the kids, it is even more magnified in my hsing.

 

The problem seems to be that I feel inadequate and am fearfully trying to protect my dc from ever having to feel inadequate. I am putting pressure on all of us. (It is really hard to admit that).

 

I am going to print out these posts, re-read them, and try to know myself better and define our goals. And then stop beating myself up and making the dc anxious because I am anxious.