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animal lovers - I'm distraught and need help

Denisemomof4
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Denisemomof4

Denisemomof4

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how can you forgive yourself when you accidentally kill one of your animals? I'm just so distraught right now and can't calm myself down.

 

It wasn't supposed to be real hot today, but I still should have put my pigs in the barn before I left. I knew one of my pigs was heat intolerant. My brother was over and it just slipped my mind. We left so I could take him to my favorite no kill shelter and show him around. I also wanted to see if they had any Bantam hens available for adoption.

 

Everyone has a role in this, but honestly, it comes down to me. MY barn, MY animals, MY responsibility. I do have others help, but all under my supervision and direction. I told dh not to let the pigs out on hot days, he puts them out EVERY day. I kept meaning to tell him again not to. I should have insisted he not, because I DID tell him one day I'd forget to put them in. I remembered to put them away yesterday before we left, I didn't today. I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN. I think EVERYONE who knows me, aside from dh, downplays my head injury. I knew one day I'd forget to put the pigs inside. But I do wish dh didn't put them outside and we left them out at night, like I had requested. I wish my boys, whom I call to ask to put the pigs in if I'm away, had thought to do it on their own. They didn't. Oldest ds, who helps with the barn, is SO scatter brained that I can't fault him. Still..... Youngest ds was home. He doesn't do much with the barn so I don't think it was natural for him to think of it. We all failed, but it is MY responsibility. I feel so sick to my stomach.

 

I noticed the temp rising today, and I didn't think of my pigs. I was at the rescue falling in love with a tea cup pig. Not once did I think of my pigs roasting outside. Only one was heat intolerant. He died today. A slow, excruciating death. One I caused. The other is fine. How will I ever forgive myself?

 

I know many of you can't relate to the love of a pig. I've loved and wanted a pig since I was a toddler. My favorite book/movie was Charlotte's Web. My first two potbellies were black (female) and pink (male)and yes, I named them Charlotte and Wilbur. But honestly, they're just like dogs. They run and play and fetch sticks and balls. They are SO loving. My potbellies AND my big pigs are LOVING, GENTLE animals. This pig that died almost ended up on our plates because he was getting too aggressive, but I had to rough him up to show him who's boss, which our no kill shelter told me about with another pig I was interested in(they used a hose to smack them with, I bought a crop whip.) I just talked to them today, and they said you NEED to get aggressive to show them who's boss or you'll get hurt. Well, just a little crack a few times and he smartened up and was sweet. I really loved him.

 

I had a hard time giving them any permanent water source because they always knocked it down. Since I didn't have a permanent spot for them yet, I wasn't going to get a cement trough for them because I didn't think we could move it again. So I'd hose them down, fill their water, a couple of times per day. I'd put them in the barn during the afternoon heat and turn them out again once it cooled a little and there was some shade. Oh, I'm just SO sick over the thought of my sweet pig dying such a horrible death!!! Black pig, no water, sweltering heat.

 

I do have everyone in the house go out and give them water and hose them down. NOBODY thought of it today. I didn't remind anyone. It was my fault.

 

He's in front of my barn. My dh just started up his tractor. Oh, I just feel SO awful! Our neighbor's backhoe is not local right now so dh has to drag him somewhere so I can't see him. He'll stay there until next week, and then our neighbor will get him and bury him. I FEEL SO AWFUL!!!!

 

How can I forgive myself??!!! I'm just so wracked with guilt. I don't know how I'm going to forgive myself.

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Lara in Colo

Lara in Colo

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I killed a beloved pet when I was younger. Its a guilt that never goes away. Like every failure in your life, you will have to forgive yourself for being human. You just have to try to put checks in your life to keep this from happening again. I say this for YOU, not the pigs. This will help you to move on and closer to forgiving yourself. If you want to talk, PM me

 

Lara

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Denisemomof4

Denisemomof4

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he can't be moved too far and the details are too graphic to post. And I will forever have to live with the image of what dh told me, and why he needs to stay where he is.

 

Ds 14 and dh are doing this together, and ds 18 is due home any minute now. He will be feeling like me in a few minutes. He hates barn chores but admittedly loves those large pigs.

 

I guess my desire to instill a love and respect for animals is in my kids.

 

I feel like I'm going to vomit.

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fairfarmhand

fairfarmhand

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We overfed one of our cows on bread last year and she died a horrible death from bloat. (they actually asphyxiate) We did everything we could to try to save her half the night, but the next morning she was dead. We felt lower than dirt.

 

And I realize why the pig can't be moved. SO sorry. This kind of thing happens to anyone who keeps farm animals for any length of time but it doesn't make it any easier.

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FaithManor

FaithManor

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((((Denise))) I do know how you feel and I am sorry that this happened but I am convinced that sometimes, despite our best efforts, we can't always think of everything, everytime. You do need to forgive yourself.

 

Two weeks ago, I felt horrible because I had killed our very beautiful, very much loved, Australian Spotted female show duck. She is the property of dd and dd was house sitting for her grandmother so the youngest ds (10) and I were taking care of dd's chores. Though I know that I should thoroughly check her bedding and run area each day for anything she might choke on - because she was a gulping, frenzied eating machine extraordinaire - I left without really going through her nesting house. There was a large piece of bark in with her sawdust - we find these occasionally in the trailer load of sawdust that we purchase from a tree service. It must have had a bug on it that she went for because when I went back in the evening to change the water, she was dead with a piece of the bark lodged in her throat and still hanging out of her beak. There were clear signs of a terrible death struggle in her sawdust. DD and I sat down with her precious little body and cried together. UGH!

 

We are human and we don't always think of everything. We will never be perfect and with children and homeschooling and wifey responsibilities, just sometimes things are going to happen. But, I soooooooooo empathize with you because I have BTDT and know how rotten it feels.

 

Right there with you.

Faith

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MotherMayI

MotherMayI

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:grouphug: Denise. I know exactly how you feel. Two weeks ago my sweet kitten jumped into my washing machine as I was putting clothes in...I didn't see her...'nuff said. The image is seared into my brain and I just feel so guilty. I am so sorry you are going through this.

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MariannNOVA

MariannNOVA

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Oh, Denise, I am so very sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers -- I do know how painful this is for you. Oh, sweetie, please stop beating yourself up over this. Use your energy to grieve and mourn but don't use it to blame yourself anymore.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

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SailorMom

SailorMom

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:grouphug:DH and I are equally responsible for our great dane getting out a few years ago and being hit by a car on the highway. We knew he was an escape artist, and car stupid, but hadn't really fixed part of the fence - just kept procrastinating it. Watching our kids mourn their dog... ug, we felt lower than low. It literally took us about an hour to fix the fence after he had been killed, and we beat ourselves up for weeks over delaying that hour long chore.

You are so obviously not alone in this - we are all human, and we all make mistakes we regret forever.

It will take time, but do forgive yourself, and mourn, and realize that we've all been there.

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Denisemomof4

Denisemomof4

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thanks so much, everyone. I really appreciate it. I also appreciate those who shared their heartbreaking stories of loss. It makes me realize that yes, it does happen, was 100% unintentional, and I learned from this. Still, I'm so overwhelmed by guilt and sadness. What an awful way to go. Poor Oreo.

 

I feel lower than low today and have decided to take the day off. I have the air going, the tv on, my laptop, and a box of tissues. My eyes are so puffy and on fire. I'm having an extremely hard time dealing with the guilt of it all. My heart is SO HEAVY.

 

On a practical side, because he couldn't be moved far, I worry about our well water. He's about 100 - 150 feet from our well and about 6 feet down. I fear the odor will be too much. What kind of wildlife will it attract? Will my other animals be harmed? Should I close them in at night, their favorite time to be outside? We have a coyote den down the road. We have bears, fisher cats, etc. I heard a large cat one day and rumor has it there's a mountain lion in the area. He was a LARGE animal - probably 250 pounds at only 14 months of age. I also worry - can it reach our well water. I need to check into it.

 

How long will it take for his body to decompose, so the threat of attracing other animals will be gone?

 

I literally ache I feel so bad. I just hate the way he died, and I hate that I was responsible. I've had one vet tell me that she wished more people were like me because I love my animals so much. My pig vet told me my pigs live in a country club. I just can't believe this happened.

 

Dh is telling me to get that tea cup pig and I just can't think of it right now. The guilt of thinking of it will eat me alive.

 

Todays therapy: DAY OFF.

 

Tomorrow's therapy: GARDEN ALL DAY (very therapeutic) and enjoy the animals I have left.

 

I can't face Spot, Oreo's brother, today. He was nudging Oreo and trying to lay down beside him, then would nip at his feet. It was so heart wrenching to watch! He's going to be lonely, but I don't know that getting him a friend would be a good idea. These two pigs were so close because they were from the same litter. I think he's going to have to get used to being alone. I can't have two HUGE animals fighting. I never really see large pigs together. Besides, I can NOT afford to get another concussion, so Spot will have to be alone unless I learn of another type of animal that would be a good companion for him.

 

In the meantime he will have fun chasing the ducks - something he loves to do.

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fairfarmhand

fairfarmhand

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I think you probably want to shut your animals up at night for a week or so. You will be attracting scavengers. Amazingly nature works pretty quickly in situations like this. My dh said that after a week all that was left of our 1200 pound cow was bones and some hide. Is the body accessible to the coyotes and other scavengers? Really they are a help in situations like this since they can clean up pretty quickly.

 

So I believe your well will be fine. It will all be over soon.

 

I'm so sorry for this.

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jujsky

jujsky

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Oh, Denise, I'm so sorry! This happened with me and one of my gerbils in high school. I forgot to check his water bottle before I left for a few days, and when I came back he was dead. I felt so awful -- I still do.

 

Like most things, it will get better in time :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

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Denisemomof4

Denisemomof4

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I think you probably want to shut your animals up at night for a week or so. You will be attracting scavengers. Amazingly nature works pretty quickly in situations like this. My dh said that after a week all that was left of our 1200 pound cow was bones and some hide. Is the body accessible to the coyotes and other scavengers? Really they are a help in situations like this since they can clean up pretty quickly.

 

So I believe your well will be fine. It will all be over soon.

 

I'm so sorry for this.

 

he's on the side of the barn about 6 feet down, covered in sand with rocks on top. It's shady on the side of the barn. Do you think that will be ok?

 

My husband has a very large John Deere but it doesn't have a front bucket. With the neighbor's backhoe gone, and he couldn't recommend anyone else, we had to make do the best we could. He couldn't be moved far.

 

Do you think he'll decompose under ground quickly?

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IdahoHomeschooler

IdahoHomeschooler

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I think that you have to come to know that you loved them, you gave them a good life, and you made a mistake. It was an accident. You did not intend for this happen. You do the best that you can, and some days that "best" isn't going to be very good. I recently lost some little Call Ducks because I let them stay out overnight in a fenced back yard. A raccoon family attacked them. I was very upset, because I could imagine the whole scenario and I had the gore staring at me and I only have myself to deal with it. I left them out because they enjoy being out and they can have access to water they wouldn't usually have in the barn all night. It sucks really really bad, because they didn't deserve to have that happen. I made a judgment call, and I was wrong. The intentions were good, but ultimately dangerous to the animals. The only thing that I can change, now, is to resolve to try to make better decisions and not let something like this happen again. It will, though. I will forget to put them back one night when I fall asleep early. I will not close the barn door all the way on accident. I will do something stupid and they will suffer. I will do my best, and still fail them. It is the ultimate heartbreak of owning animals.

 

I am very sorry for your loss :(

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fairfarmhand

fairfarmhand

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he's on the side of the barn about 6 feet down, covered in sand with rocks on top. It's shady on the side of the barn. Do you think that will be ok?

 

My husband has a very large John Deere but it doesn't have a front bucket. With the neighbor's backhoe gone, and he couldn't recommend anyone else, we had to make do the best we could. He couldn't be moved far.

 

Do you think he'll decompose under ground quickly?

 

 

I'm not so sure about underground....we just dragged our cow (using chains and ropes) out to the back 40 and let nature take its course. I bet the decomposition will go quicker than you think. Especially if it is as hot there as it is here.

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