If your child says "Don't make me angry"

[Lovedtodeath]

Do you consider that disrespectful? Are they disciplined for it? How would you explain?

[*********]

Do you consider that disrespectful? Are they disciplined for it? How would you explain?

 

Hmm, that's an interesting one. I haven't had any of my dc say that to me; yet anyway. :)

 

If they did, I would first of all assume they were repeating a phrase they've heard me say. Secondly, I think if it is disrespectful or not would depend on the situation and tone of voice. Either way, it would get a 'talking to' from me at the very least. And probably a change of situation for the child. You know, get them involved in something else for a bit, so that their frustration dissapates. Then try it again; whatever was going on when they said that.

[Daisy]

It would depend upon the age of the child. With a very young child, I would assume as the pp said that they had picked it up from someone (hopefully not me, since I don't use that phrase). An older child, would get a talking to about tone and respectful responses. I'm fine with my child saying, "I'm feeling really angry," but I'm not okay with them threatening me with a, "Don't make me angry...or else" type response.

[Nakia]

It would depend upon the age of the child. With a very young child, I would assume as the pp said that they had picked it up from me or someone else. An older child, would get a talking to about tone and respectful responses. I'm fine with my child saying, "I'm feeling really angry," but I'm not okay with them threatening me with a, "Don't make me angry...or else" type response.

 

:iagree:

[Lovedtodeath]

Well it generally involves Mommy being very loud in order to cope with her SPD and then DD saying "Don't make me angry" because it is triggering her SPD... so I guess it isn't really. :confused: I should think things through before assuming disrespect. It is hard because of the way I was raised.

[Mejane]

Imo, "Don't make me angry" sounds a bit disrespectful and threatening. "That makes me angry" sounds like a child expressing his/her feelings, which is fine.

[Impish]

My honest first response would be, "I beg your pardon?"

 

Often, its the information that comes after that helps me determine what is appropriate.

[Karis]

"...you wouldn't like me when I'm angry!!" Will they turn green and rip through their clothes with their massive muscles? What kind of transformation will ensue?

 

That's problematic. Saying "I am angry"/ "I'm becoming upset" "I need time to calm down" is one thing. Don't make me angry sounds like a warning.

 

What happens when this individual becomes angry? Are people then supposed to adjust their behavior/ responses to avoid the person becoming angry?

 

That's manipulation on a major scale. Why should others walk on egg shells because another person wants to lose their mind??

 

People get angry. They must LEARN to deal with it appropriately.

 

No, That is not ok.

[KJsMom]

IMO it is disrespectful. It sounds like a warning or maybe a threat. My children are not allowed to speak in that manner. They may say that they feel angry or frustrated, but saying "Don't make me angry" is confrontational. If it came from the mouth of one of my kiddos, it would be a challenge, KWIM? If my younger dd said it I would explain why it is not allowed and go from there. My older knows better.

[Ravin]

This is one of those things I'd examine to see if she's repeating something she's been hearing from me. Often when our children are rude, they're echoing the way they are spoken to.

 

Most likely I'd remind DD that I don't "make" her feel any way, and that controlling her emotions is her job. I'd then get her to tell me what I was doing that bothered her so much, and help her express herself differently (more politely, more clearly, without blaming others for her own emotional state), then either be accomodating or tell her "tough luck" depending on what it was. (i.e., if I'm tuning her out because I'm on the computer and she's having trouble getting my attention, it's probably my bad; if I'm trying to get her to do her chores or schoolwork, it's her problem).

[Blessedfamily]

This is one of those things I'd examine to see if she's repeating something she's been hearing from me. Often when our children are rude, they're echoing the way they are spoken to.

 

Most likely I'd remind DD that I don't "make" her feel any way, and that controlling her emotions is her job. I'd then get her to tell me what I was doing that bothered her so much, and help her express herself differently (more politely, more clearly, without blaming others for her own emotional state), then either be accomodating or tell her "tough luck" depending on what it was. (i.e., if I'm tuning her out because I'm on the computer and she's having trouble getting my attention, it's probably my bad; if I'm trying to get her to do her chores or schoolwork, it's her problem).

 

:iagree:

[AHASRADA]

I can certainly see this as disrespectful, depending on the tone and the circumstance, but a younger child might just be trying to express himself. I would actually take it as a good sign that s/he is in touch with his feelings, realizing that he is about to "lose it" and warning those around him that he is about to become upset. This is an extremely valuable skill that many (even adults) have not developed. Let's face it, sometimes we as moms are so upset, angry or frustrated that we can lose sight of how our tone, words and actions could affect dc, and the kid has a right to inform us that we are upsetting him (again, depending on the circumstance).

 

This could be used as a teachable moment:

 

1. Strategies for dealing with anger constructively, acceptable phrases to use to let someone know their behavior is upsetting us, etc.

 

2. Discussion of the fact that no one can "make" us angry, that we are each responsible for our own emotions and reaction to the behavior of others, etc.

 

Just my $0.02.

[elizabeth]

Uh yes it is disrespectful and shows a complete lack of understanding regarding the order of things. Frankly, it is a threat and legally actionable were it said from one adult to another. Grabbing an object out of a persons hands is a battery legally as well. Dd did that once as a younger person. Never again. It is astonishing to me how many people do not get the connection between permissive parenting and juvenile delinquency. What many parents tolerate from their youngsters is what will land their little darlings in jail if it is perpetrated on another person who will not accept threats or violence to be directed at them. I am not suggesting the OP is one of these parents in any way. I am suggesting that I have seen this a million times in practice and frankly am aghast that people do not tell their children that they are engaging in criminal, punishable behaviour when that is precisely what they need to be told to avoid going to jail as an adult.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Well, we'd be having a discussion about personal responsibility. We would discuss also how they can express themselves appropriately such as, "I'm angry because I want to keep playing."

 

Anyway, so the discipline is simple teaching and guiding, helping them to learn to take responsibility and express themselves in an appropriate manner. Simple redirection that takes a few sentences (ideally, them talking more than the parent) is enough; but I do think the situation requires it.

 

There are just way too many people in this world who refuse to take responsibility for their choices, thinking and feelings. Both your kids are old enough to learn this. Of course, your daughter will get it much more quickly than your son. Teach the concept, encourage compliance.

Edited May 13, 2010 by 2J5M9K

[angela in ohio]

It's an imperative sentence. Dc aren't allowed to use those with dh or me. :D

 

If it's a young child, they would be punished and we would discuss why it's wrong. An older child might get a "Are you new here?" or "Are you kidding me?" warning, if they weren't normally in the habit of disrespecting me.

[LibraryLover]

Let's back up the bus. Before I go anywhere in my head about "Is this disrespectful? Should I punish for this?" I would examine what the child is trying to say and help the child articulate those confusing feelings in a thoughtful way.

 

So. "I do want to know when you need help expressing your needs. I want to help you handle those scary feelings. When you're feeling that youre getting upset and need my help, I would like you to tell me that, "I am getting upset, I think I need your help", or "I am getting angry, please help me".

 

As in writing, a child needs a template. Think of it as oral copywork: a reason to teach, not punish. To model, not scold.

[Imprimis]

Let's back up the bus. Before I go anywhere in my head about "Is this disrespectful? Should I punish for this?" I would examine what the child is trying to say and help the child articulate those confusing feelings in a thoughtful way.

 

So. "I do want to know when you need help expressing your needs. I want to help you handle those scary feelings. When you're feeling that youre getting upset and need my help, I would like you to tell me that, "I am getting upset, I think I need your help", or "I am getting angry, please help me".

 

As in writing, a child needs a template. Think of it as oral copywork: a reason to teach, not punish. To model, not scold.

 

:iagree: Kids are still refining their communication skills. And, some kids need more help than others to appropriately express what they are feeling.

 

We shouldn't automatically think they are intentionally being disrespectful or threatening if they say things in an inappropriate way.

 

They may just need a bit more guidance with the handling and expression of their emotions.

[forty-two]

Let's back up the bus. Before I go anywhere in my head about "Is this disrespectful? Should I punish for this?" I would examine what the child is trying to say and help the child articulate those confusing feelings in a thoughtful way.

 

So. "I do want to know when you need help expressing your needs. I want to help you handle those scary feelings. When you're feeling that youre getting upset and need my help, I would like you to tell me that, "I am getting upset, I think I need your help", or "I am getting angry, please help me".

 

As in writing, a child needs a template. Think of it as oral copywork: a reason to teach, not punish. To model, not scold.

:iagree:

 

But honestly my brain went straight to, "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry" - if my dc said it to me, I'd probably be too busy laughing to be offended :001_huh::lol:.

[Slartibartfast]

Once I managed to stop laughing I would discuss with them how to express feelings as opposed to delivering threats.

[Caribbean Queen]

Once I managed to stop laughing I would discuss with them how to express feelings as opposed to delivering threats.

 

 

:iagree:

 

My 3 year old said "Don't make me vexed!" a few times. He used the same facial expression he uses when he is pretending to be a Jaguar. :lol:

I am calm and reserved. He got that from his father, who...isn't.

 

Anyway, I told him that when I tell him to do something he should say, "Yes, Mom." or say nothing. I had him practice that a few times. He looked at me like, "Oh, that is what I am supposed to do?" He did it. He hasn't told me off again. Voila! Problem solved.

[MelanieM]

This is one of those things I'd examine to see if she's repeating something she's been hearing from me. Often when our children are rude, they're echoing the way they are spoken to.

 

Most likely I'd remind DD that I don't "make" her feel any way, and that controlling her emotions is her job. I'd then get her to tell me what I was doing that bothered her so much, and help her express herself differently (more politely, more clearly, without blaming others for her own emotional state), then either be accomodating or tell her "tough luck" depending on what it was. (i.e., if I'm tuning her out because I'm on the computer and she's having trouble getting my attention, it's probably my bad; if I'm trying to get her to do her chores or schoolwork, it's her problem).

 

:iagree:

 

I would actually take it as a good sign that s/he is in touch with his feelings, realizing that he is about to "lose it" and warning those around him that he is about to become upset. This is an extremely valuable skill that many (even adults) have not developed.

 

:iagree:

 

Let's back up the bus. Before I go anywhere in my head about "Is this disrespectful? Should I punish for this?" I would examine what the child is trying to say and help the child articulate those confusing feelings in a thoughtful way.

 

So. "I do want to know when you need help expressing your needs. I want to help you handle those scary feelings. When you're feeling that youre getting upset and need my help, I would like you to tell me that, "I am getting upset, I think I need your help", or "I am getting angry, please help me".

 

As in writing, a child needs a template. Think of it as oral copywork: a reason to teach, not punish. To model, not scold.

 

:iagree: Excellent.

[Mrs Mungo]

:iagree:

 

But honestly my brain went straight to, "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry" - if my dc said it to me, I'd probably be too busy laughing to be offended :001_huh::lol:.

 

I agree. :lol:

[Slartibartfast]

FWIW I totally waited until someone else said they would die laughing before I posted :lol: Everyone else seems to be the pinnacle of dignity. I don't know how I could keep a straight face

[Pamela H in Texas]

Sis,

 

Well, I'm past those years so I just think of it as an academic exercise mostly these days. I'm not sure I'd laugh at this one back then, but....

 

When my son was little, he was VERY delayed verbally and was in the bottom 1%ile in articulation on top of that. Anyway, we were at the library one day and he says, "I despise you" and I about fell over. He said it SO clearly and not at all quietly! I didn't know whether to die laughing or strangle him. Anyway, I kept it together and discussed that there is only one being that we should use that word about. He never said that or anything similar again.

[6packofun]

Yes, I find it disrespectful. My response would probably be something like, "Oh, I didn't realize you still have so little control over your feelings. That must be rough. Maybe next time you could reword the issue to tell me specifically what I said that bothered you and then you could take responsibility for dealing with it. Whaddya think?"

[Kathleen in VA]

Let's back up the bus. Before I go anywhere in my head about "Is this disrespectful? Should I punish for this?" I would examine what the child is trying to say and help the child articulate those confusing feelings in a thoughtful way.

 

So. "I do want to know when you need help expressing your needs. I want to help you handle those scary feelings. When you're feeling that youre getting upset and need my help, I would like you to tell me that, "I am getting upset, I think I need your help", or "I am getting angry, please help me".

 

As in writing, a child needs a template. Think of it as oral copywork: a reason to teach, not punish. To model, not scold.

 

:iagree: I would talk about it first. Then I would make sure the child understood that commanding mom or dad to do or not do something is unacceptable behavior. I would help them find better ways of expressing their emotions - provide alternative statements. I would also point out that, technically, no one can "make" you angry. Being angry is a choice. Things happen and you decide to be angry about them - or not. I would then try to instruct on how to respond to disappointments or frustrations without becoming angry - it is doable after all. If I had made it clear to the child that this kind of language was unacceptable and it occurred again, I would discipline for it.

[chiguirre]

Well it generally involves Mommy being very loud in order to cope with her SPD and then DD saying "Don't make me angry" because it is triggering her SPD... so I guess it isn't really. :confused: I should think things through before assuming disrespect. It is hard because of the way I was raised.

 

I think I'd model different words for her to use to express her discomfort and I'd try to address the sensory issue if possible. If ds says that something hurts or is upsetting him, I do my best to fix the situation. If I can't, I tell him he'll just have to suck it up for X amount of time and I praise his calm frequently.

[Laurie4b]

My first thought was to ask whether you say it. If so, your dc may be modeling what you say.

 

I think you need to find out what is behind it before you decide how to handle it. It could be, as I said, modeling what you say. It also could be an indication that your dc knows what makes him/her angry and possibly then a possible first step toward anger control. It depends on whether it's a threatening demand or a kind of desparate demand (like don't do this thing that could cause me to lose control.) If it's a threatening demand and my child was young, I would have a hard time not laughing, honestly. I do think you could work on anger control with this--if certain things that have to happen make you angry, you still have to do them and here's how you control your anger... blah blah blah.

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

Maybe the child just means to give a biblical admonishment:

 

"And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath"

 

Ephesians 6:4

 

:tongue_smilie:

[Guest janainaz]

No, I'd laugh. I don't like to be made angry either.

[IsabelC]

I would firstly make sure I was not saying this to the child. If it was an older child I would also explain that we need to learn to own our emotions, nobody can "make" you angry, you can choose how to respond to a given situation. But I wouldn't bother going into this if it was a toddler simply parroting what she's heard. In that case I'd just rephrase it eg "Oh, you're feeling angry right now?" and proceed to address the reason if needed.

[mommytobees]

I think after the burst of laughter that would come out of my mouth, I would tell the child to rephrase. She/He may say, "I'm getting angry." or "I don't like it when....."

 

Threats are not acceptable.

 

Snort, however, I would laugh! And then redirect their words.

 

Kris

[mommytobees]

Sis,

 

Well, I'm past those years so I just think of it as an academic exercise mostly these days. I'm not sure I'd laugh at this one back then, but....

 

When my son was little, he was VERY delayed verbally and was in the bottom 1%ile in articulation on top of that. Anyway, we were at the library one day and he says, "I despise you" and I about fell over. He said it SO clearly and not at all quietly! I didn't know whether to die laughing or strangle him. Anyway, I kept it together and discussed that there is only one being that we should use that word about. He never said that or anything similar again.

 

Snicker... my son was the same, verbally delayed. One day, when I was newly pregnant (he was about 2 1/2) I had to pee (big surprise) right after we arrived at Target. So, we went to the bathroom, in the handicap stall, with the stroller. In a very loud and clear voice he said, "Mommy, oo 'ave a big butt!" With the emphasis on "big" and "butt". I swear it was one of his first sentences, with a verb and a noun and a direct object WITH the proper article in the proper place.

 

I did NOT put this sentence in his baby book.

 

Anyway, off topic.

 

Kris

 

P.S. The lady in the next stall tried hard, but i could hear her snickering.

[Purpledaizy]

My honest first response would be, "I beg your pardon?"

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

I like this response. Said with an attitude and a questioning glance, this immediately gives ds the message: you just said something I don't like and either we've had a misunderstanding or you need to explain yourself better ASAP.

[Lovedtodeath]

Thanks everyone. This post seemed to sum up most of your thoughts so I chose it as the one to respond to.

My first thought was to ask whether you say it. If so, your dc may be modeling what you say.

 

I think you need to find out what is behind it before you decide how to handle it. It could be, as I said, modeling what you say. It also could be an indication that your dc knows what makes him/her angry and possibly then a possible first step toward anger control. It depends on whether it's a threatening demand or a kind of desparate demand (like don't do this thing that could cause me to lose control.) If it's a threatening demand and my child was young, I would have a hard time not laughing, honestly. I do think you could work on anger control with this--if certain things that have to happen make you angry, you still have to do them and here's how you control your anger... blah blah blah.

I don't say it, so she isn't copying me. I think that sometimes it is a first step toward anger control actually! Now with all of these posts to go over I will better be able to have a conversation with her about choosing her words differently and why. We have this problem frequently. She doesn't realize that she is sounding rude or disrespectful. When it first started we cut out TV, but I think that part of the problem is that I am not a big talker and so I have to work harder to model the appropriate words. Edited May 14, 2010 by Lovedtodeath

[Lovedtodeath]

 

Both your kids are old enough to learn this.

If Jake says "Don't make me angry" I will simply be ecstatic that he was able to string that many words together. :D

[Lovedtodeath]

:iagree: I would talk about it first. Then I would make sure the child understood that commanding mom or dad to do or not do something is unacceptable behavior. I would help them find better ways of expressing their emotions - provide alternative statements. I would also point out that, technically, no one can "make" you angry. Being angry is a choice. Things happen and you decide to be angry about them - or not. I would then try to instruct on how to respond to disappointments or frustrations without becoming angry - it is doable after all. If I had made it clear to the child that this kind of language was unacceptable and it occurred again, I would discipline for it.

 

Let's back up the bus. Before I go anywhere in my head about "Is this disrespectful? Should I punish for this?" I would examine what the child is trying to say and help the child articulate those confusing feelings in a thoughtful way.

 

So. "I do want to know when you need help expressing your needs. I want to help you handle those scary feelings. When you're feeling that youre getting upset and need my help, I would like you to tell me that, "I am getting upset, I think I need your help", or "I am getting angry, please help me".

 

As in writing, a child needs a template. Think of it as oral copywork: a reason to teach, not punish. To model, not scold.

 

:iagree: Kids are still refining their communication skills. And, some kids need more help than others to appropriately express what they are feeling.

 

We shouldn't automatically think they are intentionally being disrespectful or threatening if they say things in an inappropriate way.

 

They may just need a bit more guidance with the handling and expression of their emotions.

 

Making these easy to find. :tongue_smilie:

[texasmama]

I assume this is your 7 year old saying this. I have a 7 year old, too, and he has recently been trying out many rude and disrespectful phrases on me. I tell him that what he just said is disrespectful and try to help him figure out a better way to say it, as well as letting him know WHY it is disrespectful. Because I know his heart, I know that his disrespect is mostly out of ignorance because we are still in a teaching stage regarding those finer points of behavior. I am still in that same stage with my 9 year old, too, in fact.:tongue_smilie:

[Corraleno]

I think that sometimes it is a first step toward anger control actually!

This is exactly what it sounds like to me ~ she's aware that she's getting close to sensory overload, but she doesn't know how to articulate "Please remove one or more sources of stimulation because I think my fuse is about to blow." I would have a talk with her and explain that it's good she's starting to recognize the signs of overload, because that's the first step to avoiding it, but it would be better to use different words so that no on misunderstands her.

 

My DS and DH both have SPD, and DH compares it to being at a noisy, crazy carnival ~ with a bad headache. It can make a person irritable and snappy, and what seems like nothing to someone else can be the one more thing they can't handle. It's hard even for an adult to stop and think and articulate exactly what she means when her brain feels like it's going to explode ~ let alone a small child.

 

Jackie

[Karis]

What is SPD?

[susankenny]

"...you wouldn't like me when I'm angry!!" Will they turn green and rip through their clothes with their massive muscles? What kind of transformation will ensue?

 

That's problematic. Saying "I am angry"/ "I'm becoming upset" "I need time to calm down" is one thing. Don't make me angry sounds like a warning.

 

What happens when this individual becomes angry? Are people then supposed to adjust their behavior/ responses to avoid the person becoming angry?

 

That's manipulation on a major scale. Why should others walk on egg shells because another person wants to lose their mind??

 

People get angry. They must LEARN to deal with it appropriately.

 

No, That is not ok.

 

You made me laugh!!

 

Yes, agreed. My own son has an explosive personality, so I deal with his language a lot when he's upset. He is 6. Expressing his anger is very important, as it's an outlet for him to cope - but I really have to take time to help him do that apporpriately. If he said, "Don't make me angry", I would help him rephrase that correctly. He can express that he's feeling angry for sure, but his "anger" is really about him, (not me) and he needs to let his words reflect that.

 

My son is very aware of what he is allowed to say and not say. When he's upset, it's hard to have self-control though, so I'm always calm and patient with him. I give him opportunities to rephrase things once, but if it's something we've already discussed over and over and over - than he gets a rock in his jar. At the end of the week, he has to run laps for every rock he has. It may sound harsh, but with his personality it works best.

 

Susan

[Lovedtodeath]

 

My son is very aware of what he is allowed to say and not say. When he's upset, it's hard to have self-control though, so I'm always calm and patient with him. I give him opportunities to rephrase things once, but if it's something we've already discussed over and over and over - than he gets a rock in his jar. At the end of the week, he has to run laps for every rock he has. It may sound harsh, but with his personality it works best.

I like this idea.

[Liz CA]

It would depend upon the age of the child. With a very young child, I would assume as the pp said that they had picked it up from someone (hopefully not me, since I don't use that phrase). An older child, would get a talking to about tone and respectful responses. I'm fine with my child saying, "I'm feeling really angry," but I'm not okay with them threatening me with a, "Don't make me angry...or else" type response.

 

I think I would explain that I cannot make him/her angry. She/he may feel angry and it is an emotion the child has to own. There is also a difference if someone says: 'I am feeling angry," which is okay IMHO but blaming someone else for feeling angry is not.

[Rosy]

For a 6-year-old I would assume that some of what he's expressing is getting lost in translation. But it is still an opportunity to teach him that children don't talk to their parents (or any adult) that way.

 

My first reaction would be "let's spend some time in your room until you're calm" and take that opportunity to calm down myself. I would probably apologize for "getting loud" and acknowledge how that would upset him. And THEN tell him that he needs to use different words to show respect to Mommy--next time maybe "Mom, I'm feeling angry right now", and explain that he can go someplace quiet if he's feeling angry until he calms down next time.

 

Can you tell we've been through this?