Teens and Facebook

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Do you monitor your older teen's Facebook page?

Do you know the password?

[MariannNOVA]

I'm not trying to hijack, but HOW ARE YOU? When you get a moment, please PM or email me so I know how you are doing.:)

[fivetails]

She doesn't have one yet, but when she does - yes, I will have the password and keep an eye on the page. :)

[Miss Marple]

Yes, and yes. Only ds 17 has an account. The other 2 will have to wait - but only the youngest wants one and he's the one who won't handle it well. So he can log into my account and read/post but that keeps him from being stupid online.

[mysticamethyst]

Yes, and Yes. I am a friend and watch what goes on their walls. I have had to talk to one of their friends parents because on friend had put his cell number up there for all to see. The mom had no idea he even had a FB acct. I try to let them have their space but I also need to keep some part of me in their space they aren't adults just yet.:grouphug:

[Deece in MN]

Both my dc have accounts. My ds almost never goes on fb anymore. My dd goes on occasionally. It hasn't been an issue here because of the lack of interest. I do know their id and password and have kept up on what they do. I do think it is wise to have that info.

[Brilliant]

My 14 and 16 year olds both have FB, and I am friends with them, and also log in as them periodically. They both know it although the 16yo hates it, so I do it when she's not around. For the 14yo - I always have to ask him his password. :)

 

I have only seen questionable things from their friends a couple of times. (one time was bad enough that I contacted the mom).

[LibraryLover]

My dh and youngest are the FB holdouts. My teens and oldest & I are all friends. (No limits) I have not seen anything on the teens' accounts that have concerned me. We leave each other messages, and I think that may deter other folks from posting questionable commentary. I've asked my kids to delete comments that seem provocative or contain profanity. I do not have their passwords. I have never read their PMs. I would not remove anything myself. I have not seen them have any issues with FB, but if I did, I'd be on it.

 

My sisters, some aunts & adult cousins are also FB Friends w/my kids. Nothing happens that we don't know about. Which reminds me, one of the younger cousins who lives abroad keeps posting contest links and 'Go here to win! type of stuff on the kids' walls. She tried it once on mine and I deleted them immediately. She got the message. My teen ds deletes them, but my teen dd, who doesn't spend much time on FB hasn't. I'll ask her to do that today.

 

My oldest & I have discussed some photos others has posted. He has deleted pics of say other college students at parties drinking. I look at his albums frequently & have commented privately when I see something out there. It hasn't happened often, thankfully. I have no idea why some people think it's appropriate to tag others with photos of others doing jello shots. That's just ignorant. My son is a grownup--21. I share my thoughts, and he can take them or leave them. So far, he agrees that certain things should not be posted. So, with him, it's more of an adult conversation about stupid things seemingly normal people do.

Edited May 5, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Granny_Weatherwax]

For those of you who say you know their password how did you get it? My DD changes hers as soon as I can figure it out. She de-friends any one she thinks will talk to me about what is on her page. She thinks I am weird for wanting to know what she is doing on line and refuses to friend me.

[Karenciavo]

For those of you who say you know their password how did you get it? My DD changes hers as soon as I can figure it out. She de-friends any one she thinks will talk to me about what is on her page. She thinks I am weird for wanting to know what she is doing on line and refuses to friend me.

 

I'm sorry, but if my sons did this they would not be on Facebook. I asked them for their passcode and I am their friend. I'm friends with many of their friends too. I don't spend a whole lot of time checking up on them, just every once in a while.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I'm sorry, but if my sons did this they would not be on Facebook. I asked them for their passcode and I am their friend. I'm friends with many of their friends too. I don't spend a whole lot of time checking up on them, just every once in a while.

 

Don't say your sorry. I want to know how other people view this kind of behavior.

[Deece in MN]

For those of you who say you know their password how did you get it? My DD changes hers as soon as I can figure it out. She de-friends any one she thinks will talk to me about what is on her page. She thinks I am weird for wanting to know what she is doing on line and refuses to friend me.

 

I asked for it. I have logged into their accounts a couple times. I am friends with my dc and most of the people they are friends with as well. Like I said, the interest in fb here is not that great so it hasn't been an issue.

If my dc were behaving that way, there would be an issue. Of course, gut reaction is that they wouldn't have a fb account any longer, but it is easy to say that when I am not in that situation. We would, of course, handle the situation in some way, but that would depend on what was going on.

Edited May 5, 2010 by Deece in MN

[Sarah CB]

I'm sorry, but if my sons did this they would not be on Facebook. I asked them for their passcode and I am their friend. I'm friends with many of their friends too. I don't spend a whole lot of time checking up on them, just every once in a while.

 

Same here. My dd isn't on FB yet, but I check on her Skyping every now and then and I have her email password. We'll probably let her have FB at some point this year and the condition will be that we have her password and are added to her friend list. If she isn't willing to do that then she won't be allowed to use FB.

[Liza Q]

I am friends with both of my older daughters but I do not have their passwords. I guess it never occurred to me to ask them!

 

I would be pretty concerned if they unfriended me :001_huh:....my oldest is 19 now so I would not do anything about it. My next daughter is almost 17 and I think that my husband would give her the option of having me as her friend or taking away her online access. Then again, if she were motivated she could probably find ways around that and it would get - ugly, I think.

[In The Great White North]

Originally Posted by The Dragon Academy

For those of you who say you know their password how did you get it? My DD changes hers as soon as I can figure it out. She de-friends any one she thinks will talk to me about what is on her page. She thinks I am weird for wanting to know what she is doing on line and refuses to friend me.

 

 

Don't say your sorry. I want to know how other people view this kind of behavior.

 

I think it's rude.

 

DS is 18 and I don't have his FB password, nor do I have my own account so we're not friended.

[Joanne]

My kids are 15, 13 and 11 and they all have accounts.

 

I am friends with them and regularly "check" their friends list. They know that they must give me their passwords if I ask or the account will be deleted.

 

That said, I do not log into their accounts and won't unless they have in some way shown cyber irresponsibility.

 

I can't see, in the absence of an issue, micromanaging this generation when they are closer to adult than "kid".

[Pamela H in Texas]

no and no. But I could. I don't intentionally check anything of the sort.

 

Watch: "Kimberly, what's your password on facebook?" "Ummm, I think it's my password that is blah blah blah. If it isn't, it's Bleh bleh bleh."

 

I could just open her computer or phone and click facebook though.

 

I am friended and know every facebook friend (they are all family or congregation members).

 

I'm mixed about what I would do if things were different. Part of me says that if you have no reason to worry about what they're doing, then why push the issue. However, if a child is so determined not to have a parent involved, it seems they may have something to hide that the parent needs to know afterall. And how does a parent find things out if the child is hiding things? I'm not totally against the idea of snooping.

 

Anyway, so with MY kids and the way WE are, I can't imagine it. However, as I see some of these kids (I work in the schools), I think "either I have full access to your online activity or you don't have online activity."

 

My daughter's opinion: "I think her daughter should lose computer privileges for a bit." She believes it's a protection, a help, and really nice when you forget your password :)

[Laurie4b]

I am friends with ds and with most of his friends.

 

I think there is a line to walk with teen privacy. I do not have ds's password. I do not log on as him or read his private correspondance, just like I wouldn't read any letters he got or listen in to his phone calls. (Letters--you know-- like in the olden days when I was a teen!)

 

Ds has not given me a reason not to trust him, but he likes some privacy and I think that's appropriate. It's only a matter of months before he turns 18 and he can completely cut me off at that point if he wanted to. Letting some of that happen gradually is our plan.

 

Ds was the one who set up my FB account. He desperately requested that I not send friend requests to his friends, so I didn't. I think he had visions of his mama inadvertantly trying to look like she was cool or something. (Oh horrors)Then his friends started sending me friend requests, LOL. I asked how he wanted me to handle that and he said if they asked, it was okay. As a result, I'm friends with a ton of his friends, so I pretty much know what's going on in their public lives, anyway.

 

I think as you can see from your dd's behavior, that parents are going to be on the losing end of enforcing this and that consequence. If there is super good reason for it (you have reason to be concerned about her safety, for instance), then you might proceed down that path. But there are so many electronic alternatives these days, that a kid determined to stay out from under parental surveillance is going to be able to do it. So rather than consequences (which she just gets around) I would look at the real issues: Are you giving her an appropriate amount of privacy for her maturity level? (This may be a more pronounced issue among homeschoolers because they are always around us.) Is she seeking to create her own sphere of privacy because she is doing something outright dangerous or wrong? Or is it because she's trying to create some boundary lines between where the family ends and she begins? These are all genuine questions. I think it would be good to talk with her.

 

This is just my own parenting style and as our oldest is 17, there is no "proof in the pudding" yet for us. But what I have observed in other homeschool families is that the kids who were most controlled end up with more problems with their families and in other realms of life than those who were not as controlled. A lot of those parents are doing things differently with younger sibs.

[Irene Lynn]

Our computers have been side by side for years now. I know what she is doing and she knows what I am doing, pretty much. It is hard when I am searching for birthday presents for her. LOL She does not tend to hide things from me. She has a couple of books, the kind that she uses to draw and write more personal comments, that she doesn't want anyone to see, but I totally understand that. She took a long time to get a FB account and she befriended me right away. If she were the sneaky type, she could have hidden it from me for a while, but she does not tend to hide things. I do have access to it, but it really is not that interesting. She has a handful of friends and I know them and trust them. They seem to stick to very low levels of foolishness, when they choose to be foolish. They are pretty reasonable kids, okay, VERY reasonable kids. I think I know her password, but I got a concussion a while back and I forget things more easily now. If I needed anything like that, she would give it to me without a problem. In other words, she has earned a great deal of trust from us in so many ways...but we still keep the internet out in the open for all of us. She has her own computer without access in her room for homework assignments. She also has an I Touch and I don't pay any attention to it.

 

Her little brother has a very different personality and is sneakier and more imaginitive and his experience might be quite different. :) If a child were trying to hide things from me, I would be questioning that. I think it also depends on the age and the level of trust that has been developed. In another year our dd be graduating. She has the kind of personality that needs encouragment to express independence.

[DesertDweller]

For those of you who say you know their password how did you get it? My DD changes hers as soon as I can figure it out. She de-friends any one she thinks will talk to me about what is on her page. She thinks I am weird for wanting to know what she is doing on line and refuses to friend me.

 

 

Then my dd wouldn't have a FB account, but I would guess that this type of behavior may be indicative of an underlying attitude, which I see as a bigger problem than just a FB issue.

 

I do have access and password to dd's FB account. She's had it a few years. When she first signed up, I signed up too and became friends with her. I don't have an account anymore so checking it occasionally is about all I do.

 

So far, we haven't had any problems. She is pretty good about letting me know if something or someone is posting anything questionable. She's that way with real life friends and people too.

[MamaT]

For those of you who say you know their password how did you get it? My DD changes hers as soon as I can figure it out. She de-friends any one she thinks will talk to me about what is on her page. She thinks I am weird for wanting to know what she is doing on line and refuses to friend me.

 

Until our kids are 18, we have their passwords for EVERYTHING on the computer. If they were ever to refuse to give us a password, they would not have access to a computer anymore.

 

They are friends with dh, 24yo brother (who is very protective of them) and aunts, uncles, grown cousins, etc. I am the fb holdout in our family.

[vonfirmath]

My kids are 15, 13 and 11 and they all have accounts.

 

I thought you had to say you were at least 13 years of age to get a Facebook account?

http://www.facebook.com/policy.php

Edited May 5, 2010 by vonfirmath

[justamouse]

I don't.

 

My aunts and cousins are all her friends-along with her own friends and cousins. I'm sure if she did something wrong I would hear about it. And as soon as my younger (10) son wants an account I'll let him get one, too.

 

Most of the teens we hang out with are friends with their parents, I didn't want to be her friend-I wanted her to have that away from me. It's an easy enough solution.

Edited May 5, 2010 by justamouse

[choirfarm]

None of us do facebook here. They don't have cell phones either ( 15 and 13). Those of you that don't check.. I don't get it. My oldest started surfing in questionable stuff when he was 12!!! And that was with one computer in the family room (He overrode family passwords and protections!!!) So for me, I have to be on the computer. He doesn't even have the password for getting on the internet anymore!! The thought of him being on facebook scares me to dearh

 

Christine

[SonshineLearner]

For those of you who say you know their password how did you get it? My DD changes hers as soon as I can figure it out. She de-friends any one she thinks will talk to me about what is on her page. She thinks I am weird for wanting to know what she is doing on line and refuses to friend me.

 

No password, No friending?? No computer!! (And ours would have passwords to log on)

 

Basically, it's totally your responsibility to monitor it... and their problem if they don't understand... YET... they will. Also, I look at pms sometimes... just to see what's happening. It's not that I care... unless there's something I should care about. I also look at texts and such... (on their phone)

 

Nope.. I have nothing more exciting than to make sure everything's ok with us... as their parents. (We pay for it all!) And, we've reminded them that stuff will stick around forever... and be there when people are looking at their resumes!!

 

:)

[justamouse]

I've never micro managed my kids, and they've never given me reason to. I was micro managed as a child/teen and I rebelled in every way I could-keeping my mother from everything I possibly could-her taking things away from me meant nothing, that's how much I resented her hovering. I am doing it differently, and so far it's working very well.

 

That said, I did micromanage my oldest and by far it is the worst relationship of all my children-and I'm doing my best to repair it now.

 

My 10 yo just started posting on the NXT forums, and I am letting him do that by himself, too. He knows the rules of the internet and will rattle them off, and he also knows how important they are and why.

Edited May 5, 2010 by justamouse

[Pixie]

My 12yo has a facebook account because I got tired of her using mine to talk with her friends. As a condition to having it, I have her password and she was required to add dh and I as friends. She also added my mom and my brothers and sister so there are plenty of people keeping an eye on her there. I also have the password to her email accounts and I check it from time to time.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

For those who say "No password, no computer" how do you enforce it? DD will just go somewhere else and log onto Facebook.

 

DH and I are trying to be good parents and provide DD with freedom and chances to grow but we are finding out that things are not what they appear to be and DH and I have been lied to. We found out about the lies because someone mentioned seeing something on DD's Facebook page and DH and I had no clue about it. We felt completely foolish.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

 

That said, I did micromanage my oldest and by far it is the worst relationship of all my children-and I'm doing my best to repair it now.

 

What is the difference between micromanaging and being an involved parent? This is a serious question. :confused: Where is the line between being an involved, concerned parent and a micromanaging parent? I have always believed micromanaging was more about control. I do not want to control my DD's every move but I do want to know what is going on and try to protect her from certain things (se*ting, dirty pics) and try to help her make good decisions.

[Pamela H in Texas]

It is not micromanaging.

 

I don't do it, but that isn't because I think it's micromanaging. It's just not necessary in our situation (my kids, our computers, our relationship, etc).

 

So maybe some of it IS micromanaging. If on Mondays and Thursdays you check every message your child wrote on a message board, every text he texted, every password, every FB posting/PM/picture, every website visited, etc? Then it's micromanaging.

 

But being friended? checking texts once in awhile? walking behind him as he visits a message boards? That is NOT micromanaging. If your situation allows it naturally, great. If not? welll.....

 

I tell you what, I would rather check on my kids once in awhile than find them dead, pregnant, using meth, etc. My situation is set up that I don't have to check really. I think that overlooking everything, going through every text every week, etc is micromanaging, but spot checking once in a blue moon if your situation doesn't allow for natural spot checking? That is a parent's JOB. If kids made only good decisions and could keep up with themselves, they wouldn't HAVE parents.

 

BTW, we talked about this since my last post. My ds completely disagrees that any parent needs to have anything to do with a child's online activity. He thinks we don't need to be involved in everything kids are doing. My guess is that he thinks my belief about this is wrong (well, he basically SAID that), but doesn't understand that we LIVE it. It's not that we need to know EVERY little thing. We shouldn't! I think that IS micromanaging. But we should know ENOUGH. He missed that I feel like I know enough. So I guess he doesn't feel smothered, especially since HE is a kid who would fight a parent being pushy.

 

Seriously, I think it should be done naturally. That even works with Mr. TeenTude. I think doing too much is problematic. I think not being involved AT ALL is problematic.

Edited May 5, 2010 by 2J5M9K

[JoyfulMama]

Sounds like your DD is really trying to find some independence. What part of her life can be just hers and hers alone? Some say none, since she is still in high school, but others here have also stated that she needs to be given some independence, since she IS in high school.

 

I think you need to really have a discussion with her about safety, self-protection, and independence. You need to find a way to empower her need to make decisions while still being respectful of your role as parent, protector, and provider. This is never an easy thing to do. And I can't say that all should look the same for all families, or even all children in each family.

 

Me? I liked my privacy when I was a teen. I expect my kids will want some sort of privacy as well. For FB, well, I'm not there yet. I am torn about friending my kids. A big part of me doesn't want to. Yet I will require access to their account. How often will I access it? Depends on the kids. There will be ground rules for the account : a, b, c, will not be acceptable because; if x, y, z, is ever reported by someone to be on your page or is found on your page, then your account will be locked by me for a time. Why am I not worried about friending my kids? Plainly, because they can friend me and block me from seeing anything they don't want me to see. Easy peasy. Yet I have access to LOTS of email addresses and can make up many more passwords than they can. So if I need to block their account, first I change their FB email address, then I change their password. They would have to figure out both, plus they'd have to figure out my email password. Oh, and all their incoming emails are already cc'd to my email - they can't change that.

 

Could they get around it an create another email address and then create a new FB account? Sure. And I hope that they would know how to do it. I do want them to be smart. I am just hopeful that they wouldn't be that secretive.

[Unicorn.]

Our rules? You want a FB page, then we are friends w/ you, and we have the password. Period. Don't like it, no FB. Get her password, change it, and don't tell her what it is. If she wants on, you log her on. Yes she can go make a new one, but if it were one of my kids, the minute I found out about it, she would lose all privileges. That means no going anywhere unsupervised. Period. I would also include her attending public school in that list of privileges. All of my dc have a page, and Dad and I as well as several trusted adults are friends w/ them. If they ever change their password, then the above consequences go into effect.

 

When ds first got a page, yes I checked it daily. Now, hardly ever. I have unfriended people I don't want them to be friends w/, and have caught inappropriate people trying to friend them, and deleted those. My ds has thanked me for that.

 

She may be approaching adulthood, but she is not an adult and still needs guidance, and boundaries. Her actions to me scream that she is nowhere close to being a responsible adult, and the reins need to be tightened, not loosened.

[Renee in NC]

My ds has a facebook and I don't know his password. I am his friend and I check on what he has posted or what his friends have posted on his wall. I have asked him to delete stuff before and he does it without argument.

 

In our case, I really have no "control" over his reins anymore, so our interactions have to come from past mutual respect. I also don't try to limit him too much - I don't request that he delete every inappropriate comment from him or his friends.

 

I would *never* call someone's else's mother to complain or tell what they are doing unless I thought they were in imminent danger. It is up to each individual parent to monitor their own children (I would think.)

[Lizzie in Ma]

I'm sorry, but if my sons did this they would not be on Facebook. I asked them for their passcode and I am their friend. I'm friends with many of their friends too. I don't spend a whole lot of time checking up on them, just every once in a while.

 

:iagree::iagree:

[Renee in NC]

I am friends with both of my older daughters but I do not have their passwords. I guess it never occurred to me to ask them!

 

I would be pretty concerned if they unfriended me :001_huh:....my oldest is 19 now so I would not do anything about it. My next daughter is almost 17 and I think that my husband would give her the option of having me as her friend or taking away her online access. Then again, if she were motivated she could probably find ways around that and it would get - ugly, I think.

 

I know my ds has told me that kids have multiple facebook accounts, usually one that their parents know about and one that they don't. Unless you are monitoring your child every moment of everyday, they can do things you don't know about.

 

Sometimes it isn't about the specifics (FB), but rather the overall character issue (trustworthiness.)

[Joanne]

None of us do facebook here. They don't have cell phones either ( 15 and 13). Those of you that don't check.. I don't get it. My oldest started surfing in questionable stuff when he was 12!!! And that was with one computer in the family room (He overrode family passwords and protections!!!) So for me, I have to be on the computer. He doesn't even have the password for getting on the internet anymore!! The thought of him being on facebook scares me to dearh

 

Christine

 

A child surfing for inappropriate stuff is no different in development and expectation than the common problem a few generations ago of looking at playboy/playgirl. I do know, however, that their access to exaggerated graphic images is much greater.

 

That said, I don't share the level of concern you do of online activity and I don't ultimately believe it serves persons who are children in the year 2010 to be restricted from the net and culturally common sites. I think "freedom within limits" is most appropriate. What are you so scared to death of? I'm more concerned with/scared of teen over-drama and social interaction than a predator, for example. (When I say more scared, I don't mean to suggest that teen over-drama is more intense of an issue, it's just statistically more likely and the predator, online, can be prevented.)

 

The internet is not one big bad place; it is just like anything else - a place where aware parents must know what to teach, guide, monitor, control AND what to let go of.

[Joanne]

I thought you had to say you were at least 13 years of age to get a Facebook account?

http://www.facebook.com/policy.php

 

Yes, I knew that. Clearly I, and milllions of other parents, are ok with violating this rule.

 

I also drive over the speed limit on occassion.

[Remudamom]

For those of you who say you know their password how did you get it? My DD changes hers as soon as I can figure it out. She de-friends any one she thinks will talk to me about what is on her page. She thinks I am weird for wanting to know what she is doing on line and refuses to friend me.

 

Then it's a good thing for her that she doesn't live at my house. I am friends with all mine and know everyone's password except the grown up son's. I have their passwords because if I don't have them they don't get the account. Mine are 17 and 16, 16, 16. No password for mom and all hell breaks loose.

 

 

Mine don't seem to mind at all, there was no questioning the fact that I'd have access. I'll let them change them when they leave home for college. I bet they don't even bother. Mine aren't worried about being checked on or me inappropriately checking on them. Just not an issue. But it would be if they fought it.

 

If your dd won't even friend you I bet she has a reason. And I'd want to know what it was.

Edited May 5, 2010 by Remudamom

[Joanne]

Then it's a good thing for her that she doesn't live at my house. I am friends with all mine and know everyone's password except the grown up son's. I have their passwords because if I don't have them they don't get the account. Mine are 17 and 16, 16, 16. No password for mom and all hell breaks loose.

 

 

Mine don't seem to mind at all, there was no questioning the fact that I'd have access. I'll let them change them when they leave home for college. I bet they don't even bother. Mine aren't worried about being checked on or me inappropriately checking on them. Just not an issue. But it would be if they fought it.

 

If your dd won't even friend you I bet she has a reason. And I'd want to know what it was.

 

Sit down. I agree with Remudamom. :lol::001_huh:

 

While I don't have their passwords, our arrangement is similar to I have with their rooms, their journals, their "stuff". I trust them and won't check or search UNLESS something happens on their part or gets disclosed to me that makes me concerned for their welfare. That's a fairly broad umbrella, and it includes drugs, self harm, over-drama, etc. If I get concerned about that, all computer activity, journals, etc will be searched.

 

My kids never questioned or resisted it.

[Remudamom]

Sit down. I agree with Remudamom. :lol::001_huh:

 

 

 

Merciful heavens. I'm heading for the alcohol! :lol:

[vonfirmath]

Yes, I knew that. Clearly I, and milllions of other parents, are ok with violating this rule.

 

I also drive over the speed limit on occassion.

 

You're okay with teaching your kids it is okay to not obey the rules others set? Under what conditions is it okay to deliberately disobey rules?

[Liza Q]

I know my ds has told me that kids have multiple facebook accounts, usually one that their parents know about and one that they don't. Unless you are monitoring your child every moment of everyday, they can do things you don't know about.

 

Sometimes it isn't about the specifics (FB), but rather the overall character issue (trustworthiness.)

 

Oh, I do know that. Yet I trust my daughters. My comment about the *ugly* came from my imagining my daughter as the sort of child I could not trust - chilling. Two - no, three!- of their friends have or have had *secret* boyfriends :glare: so I know what can happen and my eyes are pretty wide open.

 

Homeschooling itself is hugely sheltering. There are many TV shows she may not watch (sure, she might catch one at a friends house but most of her friends have parents more strict than me!) and books/movies I will not allow in the house. They have a lot of online freedom because that is one way I am sure that I am not micromanaging.

[PiCO]

You're okay with teaching your kids it is okay to not obey the rules others set? Under what conditions is it okay to deliberately disobey rules?

 

(Not Joanne, but...)

 

I am OK with teaching my kids to not obey all rules others set. They need to think for themselves. Of course, not following rules can have consequences, and they need to take the consequences into consideration before breaking the rule. (I think it's a bad idea to tell kids to obey all rules set by others.)

 

In general, we try to avoid breaking laws. We do exceed the speed limit on occasion, but that is allowed if you are going with the flow of traffic.

 

As to FaceBook- It seems there are no consequences what so ever for having a FaceBook account under age. (My oldest was not interested until she was 14, my youngest is not interested yet.) I see nothing wrong with a child under 13 having an account if the parent is supervising.

[Remudamom]

You're okay with teaching your kids it is okay to not obey the rules others set? Under what conditions is it okay to deliberately disobey rules?

 

Good grief yes. Under lots of conditions, especially those having to do with stupidity or tyrants. Or both.

[PiCO]

Do you monitor your older teen's Facebook page?

Do you know the password?

 

I have the password and I'm a friend. When older dd first got her FaceBook page, I monitored closely to make sure she understood what information she could put on her page, who to accept as friends, etc.

 

Now I mostly monitor as her friend, and not very often. Sometimes I help her make friend decisions. When she doesn't really want to accept someone as a friend, I'll make a rule about it- i.e.- no adult friends that are not relatives or long-time family friends.

 

We had some discipline issues last fall, and changing her FaceBook password worked great as a punishment. It was as restrictive as taking away her cell phone! Shaped her right up.

[RoughCollie]

For those of you who say you know their password how did you get it? My DD changes hers as soon as I can figure it out. She de-friends any one she thinks will talk to me about what is on her page. She thinks I am weird for wanting to know what she is doing on line and refuses to friend me.

 

My kids are required to friend me on FB (which is why I have an account). I have their passwords.

 

The day they de-friend me or change their passwords without telling me, is the day K-9 or Windows Vista parental controls go into place. I will disallow access to FB for a loooong time.

 

Only once has a "friend" posted a reprehensible comment on my DD's wall. I made DD de-friend the girl, called the girl's mother, and called the school about the girl. I check every day to make sure that girl is not re-friended.

 

My DD is good about cooperating.

Edited May 5, 2010 by RoughCollie

[Mrs Mungo]

Do you monitor your older teen's Facebook page?

Do you know the password?

 

Well, my teen is only 14, but I do monitor and I do know the password.

 

eta: I know the password because I require her to give it to me. I help her adjust her privacy settings, the other day we had to delete some applications on her page because one of them was posting bizarre videos to everyone's page. If she didn't want to give me her password, then I would set up another user account on the computer that she would be required to use and it would be restricted from facebook.

 

I would also like to add that I do have a tiny problem with breaking the rules on facebook for underage users. The problem is, you are causing facebook to break the law. Coppa laws do not allow companies to gather and/or sell information on users under 13 years old. They are also required to protect younger users under a different set of standards. This is is why *the vast majority* of websites require users to be at least 13 years of age. There may not be direct consequences for younger users. However, I could foresee facebook requiring age verification in the future if they get in trouble with the authorities because of these younger users.

Edited May 5, 2010 by Mrs Mungo

[Deece in MN]

I think it can be micro-managing in some cases. In ours it is not. I didn't require my dc give me their passwords or friend me as a condition of having a fb account. They just did because that is how our family is. I have logged on to their accounts, but not to check up on them. It was to send gifts in Farmville or take care of their farm. They knew I was doing it and sometimes even requested that I do that for them.

Anyway, I think a lot of this boils down to the relationship one has with their dc. JMHO

[justamouse]

What is the difference between micromanaging and being an involved parent? This is a serious question. :confused: Where is the line between being an involved, concerned parent and a micromanaging parent? I have always believed micromanaging was more about control. I do not want to control my DD's every move but I do want to know what is going on and try to protect her from certain things (se*ting, dirty pics) and try to help her make good decisions.

 

Seriously, I think it should be done naturally. That even works with Mr. TeenTude. I think doing too much is problematic. I think not being involved AT ALL is problematic.

 

Yes, there is balance. I am not UNinvolved in my oldest daughter's life (15), I'm just not helicoptering. I have no reason to. I don't NEED to. She makes good decisions, she never sneaks, she plain asks and most of the time I say yes. If she were old enough I would let her have her own apartment. She is THAT responsible. I treat her with respect, she treats me with respect. She actually wants to stay at home forever and has told us such. :glare: ;) We treat her as an adult with the mututal respect of one.

 

 

While I don't have their passwords, our arrangement is similar to I have with their rooms, their journals, their "stuff". I trust them and won't check or search UNLESS something happens on their part or gets disclosed to me that makes me concerned for their welfare. That's a fairly broad umbrella, and it includes drugs, self harm, over-drama, etc. If I get concerned about that, all computer activity, journals, etc will be searched.

 

My kids never questioned or resisted it.

 

Yes, this. Exactly.

 

"I must have____ in order for you to have____" is not a rule in our house. It doesn't NEED to be. My daughter has never -ever shown irresponsibility in way that would require me to have her passwords. As soon as I realized the mistake I made with my oldest, I changed courses.

 

My oldest (I've told his story before--I helicoptered him all the way to jail-he was doing everything he could do to get away by the time he was 13. My husband (not his father) would agree with that statement.) I did exactly what my mother had done to me, and it took him landing in jail for me to realize that. And it was my own fear of him getting into trouble.

 

I changed myself, and it changed the dynamics of my family. All of the others seem to be following her suit. If anything, they are TOO responsible and I have to get them to lighten up.

 

Something that struck me as I was reading it last night came from the book WHEN CHILDREN LOVE TO LEARN (the CM book) about how CM believed children were their own PERSONS. How directing them as a piece to a game was abusive and not what God required of us a parents. How demanding of them what we required instead of letting them be who they were was an infringement on their rights. I didn't believe that with #1. I do now.

Edited May 5, 2010 by justamouse

[Georgiana Daniels]

No--my daughter is 18 and I trust her. Not that there aren't instances where it's important to keep honest kids honest by having passwords and such. Maybe I don't worry because I know enough other people on Facebook that it'd be hard for her to keep anything she puts on there secret from me for too long.

 

She once posted this innocent picture with a banana, and she had to ask me why one of my cousins scolded her :D