Parenting an adult is So Hard

[Barb_]

Can I share for just a minute? Not looking for advice per se, just maybe a hug or a virtual beer? My college girl is having a rough year. In September she fell asleep at the wheel on the interstate driving my van home one morning (terribly, terribly sleep deprived), rolled it, and destroyed it. Miraculously, after coming to, she walked away with nothing but a mushy head. But we'd just dropped comp and collision on it the week before...it was 8 years old with 100K mi on it...so she had to scrape together a couple thousand to pay us back for the vehicle.

 

She had just broken up with her boyfriend of two years because he was ready to move to the next step and she wasn't. He was devastated. A week after the accident he came by her dorm to retrieve some of his stuff. Emotions were running high, he lost it, shoved her, hit her, and trashed her room. This is not a violent kid. Not defending him, but he is one of the gentlest people I know and I was *shocked* that it happened. Cops were involved, but she was told that if they arrested him, she would also have to go to jail until the hearing because that is the law in domestic cases in the state of AZ :glare:

 

So we got that settled. The following month we had a close death in the family. Christmas pretty much sucked. During this time a close friend of hers...a male...was beginning to turn into a romance. Yes, probably rebound for her but she was holding him at arm's length. The past month he became more possessive and unstable. She got spooked and broke things off (they hadn't progressed very far). He went off the deep end. He refused to give her anything of hers he had, telling her he was going to burn it. He contacted me, her ex, and her professors by email writing ugly, cruel, and somewhat incoherent things about her over Easter weekend. On the first Monday back he attempted to hang himself off of her 7th floor balcony outside her dorm.

 

Now he's back on campus. I don't know if he's living there or just attending classes, but I'm trying to find out. He continues to text her odd things. She got a package of earrings taped to her bike with no note. And her passwords on her facebook and email accounts were changed. Here is what I've done so far to protect her:

 

Went to campus to help her file an official complaint while he was still in the hospital.

 

Helped her do the same with the cops.

 

Got her to file a restraining order (she is on her way to do that now).

 

Switched phone numbers so that her number is on one of our family phones (the line we use for the younger kids if we send them to the store or park alone). That way I have a record of his weird texts but she doesn't have to see them.

 

I'm afraid of underreacting or overreacting here. I'm a little numb because everything that has happened this year, but my alarm bells are going off. I really just want him OFF CAMPUS. Can we do that? Still I'm having trouble thinking straight and as much as I love my husband, he's not the guy to go to in a crisis. So I guess I am sort of asking for help. Any other ideas of ways to protect her from out here for at least the next 4 weeks until school is out?

 

Barb

[happi duck]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[AuntieM]

Wow, Barb, what a lot to deal with for both you and dd. Seeing you virtual hugs, prayers and a big deep breath.

 

I think you have already taken some great steps. You are being proactive. Does your daughter feel safe? Are her roommate and roommate's family in on what's going on?

 

What is it with young people these days? I am shocked and scared by the number of teen and oung adult relationships that I've heard of lately becoming dangerously obsessive. What's that all about?

Edited April 16, 2010 by AuntieM

[lllll]

...

[aggieamy]

So she lives in the dorms? I'd contact the school about getting her dorm room/building switched. I know it's almost the last month of school but I'd also talk to them about switching her schedule if at all possible. If one of her profs teaches English 101 at another time also maybe they could get her in that class.

[dangermom]

Switching dorm rooms is a good idea. Also, I would double check that claim about domestic violence victims in AZ having to go to jail as well--that sounds like total BS.

 

I don't know what to do about the immediate problem of the stalker guy living on campus.

[PollyOR]

:blink: Wow! Your poor daughter. :grouphug: you too Mom :grouphug:

 

I guess my caution would be to use the buddy system, stay in public places, and avoid being out at night. Oh yeah, and pray,pray,pray for her safety.

[Barb_]

Wow, Barb, what a lot to deal with for both you and dd. Seeing you virtual hugs, prayers and a big deep breath.

 

I think you have already taken some great steps. You are ring proactive. Does your daughter feel safe? Are her roommate and roommate's family in on what's going on?

 

What is it with young people these days? I am shocked and scared by the number of teen and oung adult relationships that I've heard of lately becoming dangerously obsessive. What's that all about?

 

I don't know but I have 6 daughters and I fear this is only the beginning. I really think it comes down to a sense of entitlement. "If I want her, she shouldn't be able to leave me."

 

She has no roommate. It sounded like a good idea at the start of the year because she is such a serious student...she carries 21-23 hours a sememster and teaches tutoring sessions. She couldn't stand the noise and disruption last year. She will be getting a roommate this year. I'm glad you mentioned this. I just called the student security counselor at the school and he is reserving another room for her in a different building and she'll move this weekend.

 

Barb

[Barb_]

:blink: Wow! Your poor daughter. :grouphug: you too Mom :grouphug:

 

I guess my caution would be to use the buddy system, stay in public places, and avoid being out at night. Oh yeah, and pray,pray,pray for her safety.

 

This just *frustrates* me. Sigh. She promises she will, but it's inconvenient. She needed ammonia for a Chem project, so night before last she's on her bike at 9pm riding to the Safeway by herself. I can't protect her from herself. She is in denial and just wishes it would go away, y'know? Then something weird happens and she's careful for a day or two, then she reverts.

 

Barb

[PollyOR]

This just *frustrates* me. Sigh. She promises she will, but it's inconvenient. She needed ammonia for a Chem project, so night before last she's on her bike at 9pm riding to the Safeway by herself. I can't protect her from herself. She is in denial and just wishes it would go away, y'know? Then something weird happens and she's careful for a day or two, then she reverts.

 

Barb

 

Hopefully she'll have time for a self defense class...soon.

[Barb_]

Switching dorm rooms is a good idea. Also, I would double check that claim about domestic violence victims in AZ having to go to jail as well--that sounds like total BS.

 

I don't know what to do about the immediate problem of the stalker guy living on campus.

 

She was told that they were no longer allowed to tease out who was at fault (although she was the one with the black eye and glass covering the floor) and that since she admitted to touching him (she yanked him by the shirt to protect her computer), he would have to take her in as well until the judge worked it out.

 

Stalker doesn't live on campus, but he's allowed there during the day when he has classes.

 

Barb

[LizzyBee]

I just called the student security counselor at the school and he is reserving another room for her in a different building and she'll move this weekend.

 

Barb

 

That is awesome. Someone I used to work with had a roommate who threatened to kill her, but her college wouldn't let her move because they said she had to learn to deal with difficult relationships. :glare:

[Barb_]

Hopefully she'll have time for a self defense class...soon.

 

Thank you. Good idea--I didn't think of it. I will pass it on. Please keep them coming.

 

Barb

[Mommyfaithe]

Can I share for just a minute? Not looking for advice per se, just maybe a hug or a virtual beer? My college girl is having a rough year. In September she fell asleep at the wheel on the interstate driving my van home one morning (terribly, terribly sleep deprived), rolled it, and destroyed it. Miraculously, after coming to, she walked away with nothing but a mushy head. But we'd just dropped comp and collision on it the week before...it was 8 years old with 100K mi on it...so she had to scrape together a couple thousand to pay us back for the vehicle.

 

She had just broken up with her boyfriend of two years because he was ready to move to the next step and she wasn't. He was devastated. A week after the accident he came by her dorm to retrieve some of his stuff. Emotions were running high, he lost it, shoved her, hit her, and trashed her room. This is not a violent kid. Not defending him, but he is one of the gentlest people I know and I was *shocked* that it happened. Cops were involved, but she was told that if they arrested him, she would also have to go to jail until the hearing because that is the law in domestic cases in the state of AZ :glare:

 

So we got that settled. The following month we had a close death in the family. Christmas pretty much sucked. During this time a close friend of hers...a male...was beginning to turn into a romance. Yes, probably rebound for her but she was holding him at arm's length. The past month he became more possessive and unstable. She got spooked and broke things off (they hadn't progressed very far). He went off the deep end. He refused to give her anything of hers he had, telling her he was going to burn it. He contacted me, her ex, and her professors by email writing ugly, cruel, and somewhat incoherent things about her over Easter weekend. On the first Monday back he attempted to hang himself off of her 7th floor balcony outside her dorm.

 

Now he's back on campus. I don't know if he's living there or just attending classes, but I'm trying to find out. He continues to text her odd things. She got a package of earrings taped to her bike with no note. And her passwords on her facebook and email accounts were changed. Here is what I've done so far to protect her:

 

Went to campus to help her file an official complaint while he was still in the hospital.

 

Helped her do the same with the cops.

 

Got her to file a restraining order (she is on her way to do that now).

 

Switched phone numbers so that her number is on one of our family phones (the line we use for the younger kids if we send them to the store or park alone). That way I have a record of his weird texts but she doesn't have to see them.

 

I'm afraid of underreacting or overreacting here. I'm a little numb because everything that has happened this year, but my alarm bells are going off. I really just want him OFF CAMPUS. Can we do that? Still I'm having trouble thinking straight and as much as I love my husband, he's not the guy to go to in a crisis. So I guess I am sort of asking for help. Any other ideas of ways to protect her from out here for at least the next 4 weeks until school is out?

 

Barb

 

:grouphug:

 

:grouphug:

 

It is really hard parenting adults. I am not sure on ways to protect her other than her making sure she is NEVER and I mean NEVER alone. EVER. Even if that means having security escort her to and from classes and her room mate or other friend being in the dorm with her...even in the bathroom. Make sure she has a mace cannister and knows how to use it. make sure she knows it is ok to scream her head off if she is threatened.

 

If she is still in college, she really is not yet an adult....especially if she is under 21. She might need her Mommy and I might actually go and stay with her until the end of the semester if I felt she was really in danger.

 

HTH

Faithe

[homeschoolin'mygirls]

I have no advice but sending loving thoughts and prayers for your daughter and you. :grouphug:

 

 

 

NanDell

[Barb_]

That is awesome. Someone I used to work with had a roommate who threatened to kill her, but her college wouldn't let her move because they said she had to learn to deal with difficult relationships. :glare:

 

I hope that wasn't a recent occurrence. I think colleges have started taking this more seriously in recent years, partly because these things have proven to be potentially dangerous and partly because they are worried about litigation. Regardless, my daughter's school is really on top of this.

 

Barb

[KidsHappen]

:grouphug: Oh God honey, I am right there with you. I don't know if you caught my post last night but going through major upheaval with my 18 year old right now as well. This is a very mature, responsible child who has never given me any trouble at all and her life just kind of exploded around her (we were also concerned about physcial violence against her) so her dad made an emergency trip to TX this morning to retrieve her.

 

Because of my bi-polar I don't handle major stress well. My mind is racing a million miles a minute and I can't slow it down long enough to put my brain to good use. I kind of get shell shocked and paralyzed so other than getting her home, I really don't know what else to do right now. I currently only have use of the left side of my body so I can't even start rearranging things to make a room for her. So I am kind of just stuck sitting here at my desk waiting for them to get home. The stress is physically debilitating. I have a killer headache, my chest hurts and I feel like I am going to throw up.

 

This really is so much harder than anything I had to deal with when she was at home but sounds like a walk in the park compared to what you are having to deal with. It sounds like you are doing all the right things but I can imagine you are scared out of your mind. If you haven't read the Gift of Fear already, I recommend it as it has some advice for dealing with these types of situations. I hope everything is resolved peacefully for you and your dd soon. :grouphug:

[aggieamy]

Any chance of getting her into therapy this summer? It certainly doesn't sound like any of this is her fault at all but after two relationships that ended abusively I think it might be a good idea for her to see someone.

[Barb_]

:grouphug: Oh God honey, I am right there with you. I don't know if you caught my post last night but going through major upheaval with my 18 year old right now as well. This is a very mature, responsible child who has never given me any trouble at all and her life just kind of exploded around her (we were also concerned about physcial violence against her) so her dad made an emergency trip to TX this morning to retrieve her.

 

Because of my bi-polar I don't handle major stress well. My mind is racing a million miles a minute and I can't slow it down long enough to put my brain to good use. I kind of get shell shocked and paralyzed so other than getting her home, I really don't know what else to do right now. I currently only have use of the left side of my body so I can't even start rearranging things to make a room for her. So I am kind of just stuck sitting here at my desk waiting for them to get home. The stress is physically debilitating. I have a killer headache, my chest hurts and I feel like I am going to throw up.

 

This really is so much harder than anything I had to deal with when she was at home but sounds like a walk in the park compared to what you are having to deal with. It sounds like you are doing all the right things but I can imagine you are scared out of your mind. If you haven't read the Gift of Fear already, I recommend it as it has some advice for dealing with these types of situations. I hope everything is resolved peacefully for you and your dd soon. :grouphug:

 

Actually, I think you win. I think I'm handling it a little better...definitely better than I was last fall. I think that was worse because there were so many more emotions involved. I really cared for her ex and felt deeply betrayed on a personal level and experienced conflicting emotions. This time I have the luxury of just being angry and protective. It feels much better.

 

PM me if you want and we can keep in touch through this.

 

Barb

[Nicole M]

Any chance of getting her into therapy this summer? It certainly doesn't sound like any of this is her fault at all but after two relationships that ended abusively I think it might be a good idea for her to see someone.

 

I was going to suggest this as well.

[Barb_]

Any chance of getting her into therapy this summer? It certainly doesn't sound like any of this is her fault at all but after two relationships that ended abusively I think it might be a good idea for her to see someone.

 

Yes, she really could use a good counselor. She has already accepted an internship for the summer, so it will have to wait until next fall. She also hasn't driven since the accident and I know she has a lot of trauma remaining from that too.

 

I wonder if she could take a semester off without losing her scholarship. I will have to call and find out before bringing it up. Thank you for helping me think this through with my fingers. I often don't know what I'm thinking until I verbalize (or type!) it for the first time.

 

Barb

[Perry]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Barb_]

Okay, I have to run to the doc with two of the kids. We have a bad case of strep/scarlet fever running through our house right now. I won't be back for a couple of hours, but thank you in advance to anyone who throws something out there. I'm fairly private and don't usually post a lot of details about my life, but for various reasons there is literally no one I can talk this through with in my real life. I've been dealing with this mostly alone for the past 8 months. This is helping so much. Thank you.

 

Barb

[FaithManor]

Hugs & Prayers!

 

I would suggest that if at all possible, she transfer to another college, preferably quite a distance from her current school. The semester must be pretty close to over so once she gets that last exam over, she needs to already be packed and ready to go. She should be able to get a security escort to her car and she should take a circuitous route home.

 

Ask me how I know....my sister was stalked by an ex-boyfriend during her senior year of college. He wanted to get married and bought a ring despite that fact that she told him she was not ready to marry and would not consider such a committment until she made it through law school. He became a very bizarre and scary individual. Unfortuntely, she did not go to an institution that took this seriously, but her friends did and she never, ever went anywhere alone. Once she moved home, he still tried contacting her and when she moved out of state, though he never drove to her, he seemed to be a genius at finding her phone number no matter how many times she changed it. But, she called the police and a detective called him and told him what they'd consider doing to him if he continued to harass her. She never heard from him again.

 

Please, please get her home as soon as possible and consider getting her into a different school away from this creep. The college should protect her transfer information. Also, have her use her middle name and possibly an alternate spelling of her last name at the new school in order to make it harder for him to find her.

 

Faith

[PollyOR]

Have her stop using facebook, twitter, or blogs. Those allow a person to be tracked easily. I'm new to facebook and amazed at how much information we willingly share (myself included).

Edited April 16, 2010 by PollyOR

[Mommyfaithe]

Have her stop using facebook, twitter, or blogs. Those allow a person to be tracked easily. I'm new to facebook and amazed at how much information we willing share (myself included).

 

:iagree: and have her make sure her friends do NOT post anything about her, especially photos. I am shocked how so many pics of my kids end up showing up on my facebook page, that I had no idea existed....through the kids friends.

 

~~Faithe

[JVA]

Oh goodness! So sorry for you and your daughter....we have a little experience with a weird boyfriend.....

 

 

I saw Gavin de Becker interviewed on Oprah (rarely watch her) yesterday and think it would be helpful for you. His book is The Gift of Fear. Read here:http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/The-Gift-of-Fear-by-Gavin-de-Becker

 

Start here with watching it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9Y8sWn7Ekw

 

I'll be praying for your daughter. She should really watch/read this, too. I'd find therapy/counseling ASAP....maybe through a women's shelter/ domestic violence organization. She really needs to know HOW dangerous this could be.

[Sonshine]

Would a visit from you or her father wake her up to the severity of the situation she is in? A woman in my city just had her niece and nephew murdered by her ex-boyfriend to get back at her. He had stalked her and she had gone to the police. He had had 25 prior arrests and was out on bond. I don't understand why the laws don't protect women more.

 

My other suggestion is to get in touch with any groups on campus or in that city that work to protect women in these situations (can't think of what they would be called but you can figure it out). They may have knowledge of how to get that college or local police to take more action.

[Sahamamama]

I would double check that claim about domestic violence victims in AZ having to go to jail as well--that sounds like total BS.

 

:iagree: According to this website, the State brings the charges, not the victim. How can what the police told you be true? I'd check that out.

[TravelingChris]

My master's thesis was on erotomania and criminality. Erotomania is a delusional state of mind where the person believes that someone else is "the one" for them. I took lots of cases and the findinges I had were that the same things that are correlated with criminality in normal cases are also correlated with criminality in these cases.

 

 

Changing dormitories is a good thing to do and I am glad she could get this done. AS others said, she needs to go no where alone. This is a seriously delusionally man and he, by his previous actions, has shown he is dangerous. Impress this on her.

[Kelli in TN]

Barb, does she have some pepper spray? Get her several containers of pepper spray. And, as mentioned earlier, she needs to take a self defense course. She also needs to have campus security escorts anywhere that she has to go that she can't be surrounded by friends. And perhaps a portable door alarm for her dorm door and maybe for the window as well.

 

I would be frantic if this were happening to one of my girls. ((((Barb)))

[PollyOR]

Oh goodness! So sorry for you and your daughter....we have a little experience with a weird boyfriend.....

 

 

I saw Gavin de Becker interviewed on Oprah (rarely watch her) yesterday and think it would be helpful for you. His book is The Gift of Fear. Read here:http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/The-Gift-of-Fear-by-Gavin-de-Becker

 

Start here with watching it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9Y8sWn7Ekw

 

 

 

Thank you for the links. Here's a quote about denial from Oprah's website:

 

Denial has an interesting and insidious side effect. For all the peace of mind deniers think they get by saying it isn't so, the fall they take when victimized is far, far greater than that of those who accept the possibility. Denial is a save-now-pay-later scheme, a contract written entirely in small print, for in the long run, the denying person knows the truth on some level, and it causes a constant low-grade anxiety. Millions of people suffer that anxiety, and denial keeps them from taking action that could reduce the risks (and the worry).

[Liz CA]

She was told that they were no longer allowed to tease out who was at fault (although she was the one with the black eye and glass covering the floor) and that since she admitted to touching him (she yanked him by the shirt to protect her computer), he would have to take her in as well until the judge worked it out.

 

Stalker doesn't live on campus, but he's allowed there during the day when he has classes.

 

Barb

 

Sheesh! I don't have daughters but is there a possibility of her changing colleges?

If not, I would definitely change dorm rooms. Is there a way to let someone know that this person is not allowed to her room - are there dorm "managers" who could oversee this to some degree?

Does she know self-defense?

 

Red Flags are all over the place when I read this. I don't want to scare you but I think you are aware that we cannot control others and there is no way she or you can judge what crazy thing is going to happen next.

[Sahamamama]

Take the MOSAICS assessment. It's free, anonymous, and I hope it helps you protect your daughter.

 

https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

[Starr]

:grouphug: This led into a good discussion with my 16 dd. Praying for you guys. She really needs to pay attention. It's not hard to follow someone to a new room. A whistle is good too.

[Mrs Mungo]

I'm sorry you and your dd are going through this. I don't have any suggestions, other than what's already been done and/or suggested. :grouphug:

:iagree: According to this website, the State brings the charges, not the victim. How can what the police told you be true? I'd check that out.

 

Many states require if both people laid hands on each other during a domestic incident, that both people be taken into custody. The judge will then sort things out instead of the officers. It doesn't mean both people would necessarily go to jail.

 

It is also true (as you state) that in most states now the state brings charges, the victim doesn't usually have a choice. It's very strange, imo, that the officers did not take action. Were they actually officers or campus security or something?

[susancollins]

I will pray for you and your family. I hope you get everything worked out. :grouphug:

[Liz CA]

It's normal at that age to think "nothing bad will ever happen to me."

I used to hitchhike back and forth to college because public transportation was inconvenient and I did not get a car until my last year in college.

Whenever I had a weird hitchhiking experience, I took the train for a few days until I got tired of the dumb connections, etc. again.

 

As Kelli said: Pepper Spray and a crash course in self defense! You don't have to know any martial arts for this. There are plenty of courses that teach simple concepts without students having prior skills in any kind of "combat."

Oh yes, utilize campus security when running to and from classrooms or to the dimly lit parking lot at night.

[Barb_]

Sheesh! I don't have daughters but is there a possibility of her changing colleges?

If not, I would definitely change dorm rooms. Is there a way to let someone know that this person is not allowed to her room - are there dorm "managers" who could oversee this to some degree?

Does she know self-defense?

 

Red Flags are all over the place when I read this. I don't want to scare you but I think you are aware that we cannot control others and there is no way she or you can judge what crazy thing is going to happen next.

 

I just have a second and can't respond fully but yes, there are a lot of safety precautions. You can't get on the elevator without a key card and his was taken from him after the suicide attempt. Furthermore, he has been banned from the honors college property and if he is caught on the property he'll be arrested. He's allowed on the rest of campus, however, but he's no longer living there. Even still, I think changing buildings was a good idea. Every little bit helps.

 

Barb

[LibraryLover]

:grouphug:

Edited April 17, 2010 by LibraryLover

[forty-two]

I just have a second and can't respond fully but yes, there are a lot of safety precautions. You can't get on the elevator without a key card and his was taken from him after the suicide attempt. Furthermore, he has been banned from the honors college property and if he is caught on the property he'll be arrested. He's allowed on the rest of campus, however, but he's no longer living there. Even still, I think changing buildings was a good idea. Every little bit helps.

 

Barb

 

You need to make sure all the residents of her building are aware of the situation, and know what this man looks like, so they don't inadvertently let him in. My university required keycards to get into the dorms, but it was ridiculously easy to get in without one - you could just follow a resident in, they would hold the door for you. When we were dating, my dh only had to call up maybe once or twice - every other time there was someone going in or out that would hold the door. Plus, if a large group of people arrived at the same time, it would be silly to expect them to each swipe their card and go in individually - it was natural to just have their first person swipe their card and everyone else just follow them in. All it would take to get access would be for that man to watch for a group heading to the elevators and join up with them - *unless* everyone knows they need to be on their guard for this specific person. And they'd need frequent reminders, too - my dad works at NASA, and they are constantly reminding people to *not* hold open keycard-access doors - that each person has to swipe their own card.

[kalanamak]

:iagree: and have her make sure her friends do NOT post anything about her,

 

:iagree: I decided to "disappear" after a bf in college threatened to kill me (and blackened an eye, etc). He was so sweet and disarming, people blabbed about where I was. He tracked me down and I ran out and legally changed my name and dropped all but 3 people who knew me in college. I could no longer trust people to keep my whereabouts private.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

:grouphug: Prayers for you and your daughter.

[Jana]

Have you contacted the Dean of Students Office? Schools have their own judicial process--separate from the legal system. You could pursue action against him on campus that could lead to sanctions against him. This would take time, but it is something to think about.

 

In the short term, she should contact her RA and area director (or whatever term they use to describe a full-time professional staff member that is responsible for her residence hall/living area) and give them photos of this guy with a full history of the problem. The more eyes the better.

[mcconnellboys]

Wow, I would stay on top of this and report every.single.new.incident.of.any.type. to the police and campus police. So often, domestic type things don't get taken seriously until it's too late. I would see if she can switch rooms to a more secure dorm, if such exists, where perhaps she can be monitored more closely. And I would make sure she's going no where at night without escort at all times.

 

I would caution her to make sure she's keeping any car on campus locked at all times, her room locked at all times, etc. Does she have a personal alarm that she can press in case a problem occurs? These are small, like car door locks that are push button. They make a VERY loud noise. She should hang it on a chain around her neck and keep it with her at all times.

 

Has she ever taken a self-defense course? It might be a good time to start......

[smrtmama]

She was told that they were no longer allowed to tease out who was at fault (although she was the one with the black eye and glass covering the floor) and that since she admitted to touching him (she yanked him by the shirt to protect her computer), he would have to take her in as well until the judge worked it out.

 

Stalker doesn't live on campus, but he's allowed there during the day when he has classes.

 

Barb

 

She needs to go over those officers' heads and file a report. That is NOT how DV is done these days. Those officers are working from an old school mentality. Does your county/city have a specialized DV unit?

 

I'll point my husband (OfcDaddyman) in the direction of this thread when he gets home. He might have some pointers.

[OfcDaddyMan]

I know that you weren't looking for advice, but as a LEO, I can't help but comment on a few things.

 

This is not a violent kid

 

Not to be argumentative, but yes he most certainly is a violent kid. The kid is willing to use violence in order to control others, which is the classic definition of a batterer. When she attempted to leave the relationship he exerted control and then he continued to force himself into her life by harassing her. His actions fit the definition of an abusive partner and the fact that he is willing to stalk is a bad sign. Stalking by an intimate partner is one of the best indicators of future violence and deadly force against the victim.

 

Cops were involved, but she was told that if they arrested him, she would also have to go to jail until the hearing because that is the law in domestic cases in the state of AZ :glare:

 

If what your daughter is saying is true then the cops lied. I just read through the pertinent sections of AZ criminal statute and there is nothing like that in there. Also, if your daughter and her bf ever lived together then the cops violated AZ state law by not arresting him (domestic violence statute contains "shall arrest" language just like in GA) and I strongly encourage you to hire a lawyer and see if you have a case against the department. Also, please write the chief of that department and let him know how those officers handled the incident. If your daughter is being truthful about how they acted they need additional training.

 

Please don't be afraid of over-reacting to this situation. If you want any further input from me feel free to pm me.

[LibraryLover]

I know that you weren't looking for advice, but as a LEO, I can't help but comment on a few things.

 

 

 

Not to be argumentative, but yes he most certainly is a violent kid. The kid is willing to use violence in order to control others, which is the classic definition of a batterer. When she attempted to leave the relationship he exerted control and then he continued to force himself into her life by harassing her. His actions fit the definition of an abusive partner and the fact that he is willing to stalk is a bad sign. Stalking by an intimate partner is one of the best indicators of future violence and deadly force against the victim.

 

 

 

If what your daughter is saying is true then the cops lied. I just read through the pertinent sections of AZ criminal statute and there is nothing like that in there. Also, if your daughter and her bf ever lived together then the cops violated AZ state law by not arresting him (domestic violence statute contains "shall arrest" language just like in GA) and I strongly encourage you to hire a lawyer and see if you have a case against the department. Also, please write the chief of that department and let him know how those officers handled the incident. If your daughter is being truthful about how they acted they need additional training.

 

Please don't be afraid of over-reacting to this situation. If you want any further input from me feel free to pm me.

 

Wow. Important info!

[Barb_]

Not to be argumentative, but yes he most certainly is a violent kid. The kid is willing to use violence in order to control others, which is the classic definition of a batterer.

 

Actually, you are right. I think I meant that he has a very gentle persona in general...slow to temper, kind to animals and small children, that sort of thing. Which is why I was so surprised at how he reacted when she broke things off. But it's obvious he is explosive and not at all in control of himself so I have discouraged her from ever going back to him.

 

If what your daughter is saying is true then the cops lied. I just read through the pertinent sections of AZ criminal statute and there is nothing like that in there. Also, if your daughter and her bf ever lived together then the cops violated AZ state law by not arresting him (domestic violence statute contains "shall arrest" language just like in GA) and I strongly encourage you to hire a lawyer and see if you have a case against the department. Also, please write the chief of that department and let him know how those officers handled the incident. If your daughter is being truthful about how they acted they need additional training.

 

Yes, she was telling the truth. She called me at midnight hyperventilating because she didn't want to go to jail. No, they never lived together. She lived in a dorm and until very recently he lived with his parents.

 

That situation is water under the bridge. That boyfriend was a long term relationship that ended back in September. I wasn't pleased with how it was handled by the authorities, but am willing to let it lie because now we have bigger fish in the pan. The current problem is a friendship that was sort of turning into a romance until she cut things short last month. He is her suicidal stalker, not the first guy. I know. I sound like I'm making this up :glare:

 

Barb

[ConnieB]

Make sure that her dorm security, the college security AND the administration are aware of this guy's violence. Too bad you didn't call the police about the box of earrings......if they were able to lift any prints of his off the box that would add to his potential stalking charges. And Arizona (at least here in Maricopa County) takes stalking seriously. Be sure that you talk to ALL of the different security folks (the college has security, each dorm has security, some of the high risk departments have security.....ok, wait, I'm assuming that you're talking about ASU, so if not, I don't know about other colleges security.)

 

Have her report each and every time that he calls her...texts her...approaches her, as these would all be violations of the restraining order against him. The squeaky wheel....that's what she has to be to get the police to take action, sadly. TRO's are just a piece of paper if there isn't the law enforcement to back it up....and Arizona isn't known for it's proactive stance on enforcement....but squeaky wheels will get action so you stop squeaking, lol. And be sure, of course, that she gets several certified copies (from the court) of the TRO so that she can give one to the security office(s) to have on file....she should carry one in her purse at all times (so she has it when the police arrive so they can take action immediately without having to wait to verify a TRO is in effect).

 

All college girls need to use caution on campus of course, but she needs to be extra careful not to allow him to find her alone. Our wonderful governor just passed a bill allowing concealed weapons to be carried without a permit. Of course the requirement for the permit wouldn't stop idiots like this from carrying, but at least before this new law if the police found a concealed weapon it gave them another reason to arrest a guy....and sometimes the only reason when he hadn't actually done anything illegal, just leaning towards it. Now that "excuse" for arrest is gone.

 

She is going to have to be proactive about her safety and about enforcing the TRO.....and she needs to not give him any mixed signals. The TRO will likely say he can't contact her or come within a certain distance from her.....she should NEVER agree to meet to "talk it over", because doing so means that the Court could find that she waived the TRO's protection. If there is anything to "talk over" he should do it at the court hearing.

 

Good luck to you and your daughter....scary times, but be strong and work the law for your advantage and you will prevail.