Adoptive Moms and Adoptees a question for you

[CalicoKat]

This weekend my 9 yo dd was having a hard time processing her adoption and her feelings about being adopted. We had some long talks, tears, and I said that on Monday I would call the adoption agency to see if we could send a letter to her birth Mom and if we did would it get to her or would we send it knowing it would wait in her file until they were able to forward it on to her. DD was thrilled to write her a letter and the idea of sending it was enough to cheer her up and help her to OK, for now.

 

So on Monday I called and asked. Today they called. They gave me her cell phone number. She wants me to call her and set up a time for us to meet at the agency. She wants to bring along the 14 yo brother and 7 yo sister. :svengo:I never expected to be able to do more than send a letter. Dd's adoption is the most closed adoption in our family. We have a picture and that was all.

 

So I told dd that we'd gotten an answer and that we're going to wait on sending the letter until Mom's got a chance to talk with Daddy about the next step.

 

Next Step Thoughts Include:

1. How to tell dd about her bio-siblings? She doesn't know about the brother. I didn't know about the sister.

-- this could be a good thing.

-- But I can just hear this child saying things like, "You're not as good as my REAL brother and sister......"

 

2. Do we bring along the whole family. Or should dh and I just accompany dd?

 

3. DD's going to want to pack and go live with her. I know that because she said as much over the weekend.

 

4. DD has been our most challenging child. She's got ADHD and her behaviour has been difficult. I can see how this visit has the potential to make some of that go away. But I'm also very worried that it will make it much much worse. And create new difficulties.

 

5. I'm also feeling a bit insecure. Kinda like I'm babysitting and everyone's just waiting for the return to "normal." But I know this isn't about me. It's about her but I do have some feelings about this too.

 

OK, lay it on.

Edited February 16, 2010 by CalicoKat

[clementine]

no experience with this, but you are in a tough situation

Praying for a clear path for you...

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[MaMa2005]

As an adoptive mom, I would not take DD to meet her birth mom. At 9, she doesn't have the emotional tools to process the difficult decisions made by her birth mom that will forever impact her life.

 

Let her write a letter. Don't open Pandora's box.

 

:grouphug: for this difficult time.

[MamaT]

Disclaimer: All of this is JMHO and from the perspective of a birth mom with very closed adoptions.

 

I'm not sure that I would allow a child that age to meet her birth mom. It sounds like she's going through a rough time right now, and that is just not the answer IMO. She needs to understand that YOU are her mom and you will help her through any difficulties she may be having. I think maybe a counselor could help her deal with her feelings she is having about being adopted. There is time enough when she is older, more mature, more confident in who she is and her place in your family for her to meet her bio family.

 

When my dds are 18, I will be glad to help them find their birth mothers if that is what they want to do - not before. I have to say, neither of mine have asked so I haven't had to face your dilemma.

 

I know there will be many who will disagree, but like I said, this is JMO.

[hana]

I mostly lurk, and not that regularly, so I don't know the backstory here. I'll tell you how it is in my family, though. My daughter is eight and adopted. I have mail contact with her birthmother, but my daughter doesn't know that. The rule in our house since she's been old enough to ask is, "When you're in college, I'll help you find her." That's it. She's never asked about contact; if she did, I'd tell her she could write letters and we'd save them for when she eventually meets her.

 

I'm sure my daughter would want to pack up and move, too. And there would be guilt issues as her birthfamily lives in poverty, and we do pretty well. For me, as a parent, I think it is my responsibility to protect her from the emotional upheaval that could be involved. NOTE: I am not AT ALL against open adoptions or whatever works for other families. Clearly, you know much more about open and open-ish adoptions than I do, as this is my only adopted child. If we had been open from the start it would be a whole different ball game. I'm not a real "sheltering" kind of parent, but for me this is like those who answer, "What if your child wanted to go to school?" with "No, this is a parent's choice and responsibility."

 

Sorry about making it all about me; I'm just trying to offer some support if you decide to back up a little. If you do go forward and meet, know that I'll be thinking of you--it's certainly not easy. As I re-read your post and my reply, I think maybe I'm totally off-base since your daughter is apparently seeing her siblings' more open adoptions. I'm going to hit "submit reply" anyways in case there's anything helpful here.

[LibraryLover]

At 9, I would not have encouraged a meeting w/ the birth mother. At least not without tons of support from an experienced adoption counselor. Ours was not an open adoption, so I know my child would have had a difficult time with that.

 

At 17, or 18, yes. But also with tons of support from an experienced therapist specializing in adoption issues.

 

However, if she knows her birth mom wants to meet with her and you don't allow it, you could be in for it. Do you have access to a good adoption specialist to help you through this? You are all going to need a lot of emotional support.

[Lolly]

I don't know your situation. You say that this dd's is the most closed. Do you have other adopted children with more open adoptions? Is this dd jealous of that openness? If that is the case, I would consider allowing this one to open a bit more too. Otherwise, I think I would just allow the letter to be sent at this point. She doesn't sound as if she is well enough emotionally to take such a huge step.

[Corraleno]

As an adoptive mom, I would not take DD to meet her birth mom. At 9, she doesn't have the emotional tools to process the difficult decisions made by her birth mom that will forever impact her life.

 

Let her write a letter. Don't open Pandora's box.

 

:grouphug: for this difficult time.

 

:iagree:

My adopted daughter is almost 8, and if her birthmother somehow contacted us I would not let her meet her at this age. It would be much too confusing for her and she would not be emotionally ready for it. I think you should let your DD write her birth mother a letter, and give it to the agency. Wait until she is older for a face-to-face meeting.

 

:grouphug:

Jackie

[laughing lioness]

I have a friend with an open adoption. The child knows his birth mother and bio siblings well. His adoptive parents are wealthy so he has everything physically he would want. From an objective standpoint (and as someone with an M.F.T.) I think the arrangement really messes wtih the kids brain. He is a holy terror. Major temper-tantrums, etc. He constantly questions why his mom kept his sibs and not him (major rejection) even though she lives in relative poverty. It's a mess.

The birth parents feel totally guilty and buy the birth mom vacations, etc. I see no good coming out of it at all.

My advice (my mom was adopted and when she found her birth fam as an adult it was WONDERFUL) is to WAIT until the child has the ability to handle this emotionally and she is over this crisis.

Hugs to you!!

[Laurie4b]

I don't have adoptive children, nor am I adopted, but in my former life, I worked in children's mental health/special education. I also have friends with an open adoption.

 

In my friend's case, the open adoption works because it was a teen mom whose "circle" overlapped with my friends' circle, so the family was somewhat known to them with no red flags. The birthmom has always been part of his life and always willing to take a back seat. Your case is very different. I would not do more than send the letter until /unless you have worked this out with someone whose specialty is mental health/adoptions and you are very sure how this would play out. It's possible that it would work with structure, but more likely that it would be very difficult and confusing for your dd. I agree with the poster who mentioned likely feelings of rejection: why did you give me up and not him or her? Do not feel pressured to do it now.

 

What was the adoption agency thinking by moving past your request to cell phone numbers and birth mom's request to unite? Feel free to be assertive with the adoption agency and ask them to explain to the birth mother that you don't think it's yet time for a reunion, that it could be confusing for your dd.

Edited February 16, 2010 by Laurie4b

[nono]

Wow, talk about someone coming in from left field!

 

The presence of the other birth siblings makes it so darn difficult to give you advice. I think at this point, it might cause more troubles for your child and therefore may not be worth the risk.

 

Then the other side of the coin is I would never want to withhold that information as a secret from my child. DARN, the agency really put you over a barrel and that isn't cool in my opinion.

 

So, I'd call the birthmother. I'd ask for a limited letter exchange only, in the best interests of your daughter. Then the relationship can develop slowly, in a way that I think would help a 9 year old process her now much larger family.

 

And, I'd get ready for a lot more processing by my dd.

 

Wishing you a good result with this, whatever you decide.

[Denisemomof4]

Oh wow, I can't even imagine what I'd do. On one hand, I'd jump at the chance for my dd to meet her birthmom. I know how important this is for adopted children, and I understand that most of their issues are because of their birthmoms. Why wasn't I good enough for her? Why couldn't she keep me? Didn't she care? etc. etc.

 

BUT, will she be HAPPY or SAD to hear about the other two kids she kept? I tend to think this would be extremely painful for her. Having an ADHD kid, who was pretty easy until his double concussion and now he's awful, and having an adopted kid with pretty severe issues, I can appreciate your predicament. I truly can.

 

I think I'd recommend dh and you meeting with her separately. Get to know her, what her intentions are, etc. I don't think she should meet the siblings for now. How can you explain to a NINE YEAR OLD CHILD that your older and younger siblings were kept and you weren't? You need to be her filter for now. If you decide against it, go with that. She can always meet them when she's older and can handle it better. Maybe as an older teen?

 

I'm so sorry - my thoughts are all over the board here. When I read your post I thought, "She's so lucky. I wish Olivia could meet her mom." But as I type and think and type and think - IT'S TOUGH. I do think I'd meet the mother separately and go from there. Discuss your dd and your concerns and see what she expects/desires out of meeting her birth daughter. And I think it's good for YOU to understand why the others were kept and your dd wasn't.

 

Don't rush into this. Take all the time you want/need. If you want to start with a letter, do that. If you're willing to meet her, do that. Maybe deliver a letter from your daughter with her? You're in charge here.

 

Can you please keep us posted? And if I don't respond because I've been off a few days, can you please PM me? We will never get the chance for dd to meet her BM. I really think it could bring tremendous healing into her life, but I don't know if I'd allow it at the age of 9. I know you'll figure this all out and it's going to be ok.

:grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

one more thing - can you believe my daughter has longed for, cried for, her birthmom and vocalized that since she was TWO YEARS OF AGE? It's SO healthy and good for your dd to be able to feel safe to talk to you about this, for you to help her process her feelings.

 

My heart aches for all the adopted children who have this hole in their heart that can't be plugged, and who never truly accept their Forever Family.

 

Your situation is pulling at my heart strings.

[CalicoKat]

Thank you ladies for agonizing with this with me. School's out here for the day. I'm stuffing my face. I'm crying in private. I can't reach my mom to chat with her. I've talked with another close friend who is also an adoptive mom to two and meets yearly with one son's bio mom.

 

I'm. not. ready.

 

DH and I have worked so hard with this child to get to where we're at today. It's a good relationship. But it takes a lot of work all the time to keep it good. The lying. The hoarding. The stealing. The destructiveness. The hateful words. If this meeting were to cause a huge step backwards, undermine progress that's been made-- the thought makes me want to crawl in bed and suck my thumb.

 

Thanks for helping me see that there's no rush. I don't have to respond today with a plan for a meeting. I'm considering calling the agency back and ask them to communicate with bmom about being patient as we think this through. It is much more than we expected and truthfully wanted at this time.

[Denisemomof4]

Thank you ladies for agonizing with this with me. School's out here for the day. I'm stuffing my face. I'm crying in private. I can't reach my mom to chat with her. I've talked with another close friend who is also an adoptive mom to two and meets yearly with one son's bio mom.

 

I'm. not. ready.

 

DH and I have worked so hard with this child to get to where we're at today. It's a good relationship. But it takes a lot of work all the time to keep it good. The lying. The hoarding. The stealing. The destructiveness. The hateful words. If this meeting were to cause a huge step backwards, undermine progress that's been made-- the thought makes me want to crawl in bed and suck my thumb.

 

Thanks for helping me see that there's no rush. I don't have to respond today with a plan for a meeting. I'm considering calling the agency back and ask them to communicate with bmom about being patient as we think this through. It is much more than we expected and truthfully wanted at this time.

 

I think it's a good idea to call the agency and tell them you need more time. Tell them YOU'LL be in touch.

 

Since you mention all the issues you're dealing with or have dealt with, and since you mention so hard to make the relationship good (we deal with ALL of the issues you deal with and more, some very dangerous, and I have never worked so hard in my life on ANY relationship like I do my dd! I hope and pray the payoff will be a blessing - TO HER!) I can honestly tell you that I'm QUITE certain there will be regressions and acting out from this meeting. She seems so young to have to deal with all of that.

 

Take the time you need to think this through. I love the idea of everyone getting to know each other through letters, but until you know more, I don't think she needs to know about the siblings. Even then, I'm not sure it's a good idea.

 

Tough. :crying::crying::crying:

[PrincessAriel]

I have not read all of the responses, but as an adoptive mom of two children, 8 and 10 yo, there is no way I would let them meet their birthmoms until they are adults and they can do it on their own (with our support). They are just beginning to have a lot of questions and this would only make things more difficult for them. Ds's therapist says that they and all adoptees have deep sense that they were abandoned by their birthmoms and there is nothing we can really do to "make it better" for them. I think this would just make it more difficult for them in the long run. They cannot process this at such a young age. JMHO!

[nono]

one more thing - can you believe my daughter has longed for, cried for, her birthmom and vocalized that since she was TWO YEARS OF AGE?

 

 

Yes, I believe you. Know that she is not the only one.

[jujsky]

I would not do the meeting at this point. I think you need to take it slow. Once you let the birth-family in your life it may be difficult and painful for your DD to remove them from your lives if the connection proves toxic. It sounds like she's a little girl in a lot of pain, and while an eventual meeting may be a healing step, I would wait. There is all the time in the world for them to eventually meet. I would call the birth-mother and explain to her that your DD is emotionally fragile right now, that you want to take things slowly, and that for now you think a written exchange would be for the best. As for the siblings, I would let the birth-mother tell your DD that information in her letter.

 

If you do meet with her, I would not bring your other children. This is about this particular child's relationship with both sets of her parents. She may have to unload on you & DH after the meeting. Having your other children there could also lead them to think about their own birth families and struggle with it. I think it's best to deal with this one emotional child at a time. There is always time to introduce the families down the road if the relationship proves to be helpful and not hurtful. I would also ask the birth mother not to bring your DD's bio-siblings with her upon any initial meeting -- perhaps not for several. If your DD wants to meet and know her birth-mother, that would be easier to do without siblings she hasn't met (especially siblings who her birth mother "kept") potentially vying for her attention. It may be easier for her to ask questions like, "Why did you keep them and not me?" if they aren't there.

 

Sigh. This can't be easy. I know you say it's not about you --it's about her -- but any way you slice it, this has the potential to impact your whole family. :grouphug: Please post with an update when you decide what to do.

[SonshineLearner]

I don't have an adopted child, but I can give you a glimpse of my life. I struggle with the decision that I made with my child while I was single. I would be way more happy with the situation if I had ALL the control as far as her being adopted by my husband.... As far as her knowing her bio-dad, she has NO dissolutions with who her Dad is... it's her Daddy that tucks her in at night... She KNOWS that the person who tucks you in... reads you stories... Yells when you're bad... Cries when you succeed... (and don't) ...that's your Dad. BUT, I have to say that it's good for her to know her bio. It gives her security to know that he loves her... that he wishes she were able to be with him more.. It gives HER the power... to know that her life is better because of the choices that she's had made for her...

I think that with an actual adoption, things might be painted to look the same for your daughter... Just a thought.

[mom4him]

As an adoptive mom, I would not take DD to meet her birth mom. At 9, she doesn't have the emotional tools to process the difficult decisions made by her birth mom that will forever impact her life.

 

Let her write a letter. Don't open Pandora's box.

 

:grouphug: for this difficult time.

:iagree: I know in our case it would be a major disruption to my two to actually 'see' their birth mother. I agree with having her write the letter, even maybe I would take it in person, or not but I would not have her meet with her birth mother at this age.

[Mommyfaithe]

This weekend my 9 yo dd was having a hard time processing her adoption and her feelings about being adopted. We had some long talks, tears, and I said that on Monday I would call the adoption agency to see if we could send a letter to her birth Mom and if we did would it get to her or would we send it knowing it would wait in her file until they were able to forward it on to her. DD was thrilled to write her a letter and the idea of sending it was enough to cheer her up and help her to OK, for now.

 

So on Monday I called and asked. Today they called. They gave me her cell phone number. She wants me to call her and set up a time for us to meet at the agency. She wants to bring along the 14 yo brother and 7 yo sister. :svengo:I never expected to be able to do more than send a letter. Dd's adoption is the most closed adoption in our family. We have a picture and that was all.

 

So I told dd that we'd gotten an answer and that we're going to wait on sending the letter until Mom's got a chance to talk with Daddy about the next step.

 

Next Step Thoughts Include:

1. How to tell dd about her bio-siblings? She doesn't know about the brother. I didn't know about the sister.

-- this could be a good thing.

-- But I can just hear this child saying things like, "You're not as good as my REAL brother and sister......"

 

2. Do we bring along the whole family. Or should dh and I just accompany dd?

 

3. DD's going to want to pack and go live with her. I know that because she said as much over the weekend.

 

4. DD has been our most challenging child. She's got ADHD and her behaviour has been difficult. I can see how this visit has the potential to make some of that go away. But I'm also very worried that it will make it much much worse. And create new difficulties.

 

5. I'm also feeling a bit insecure. Kinda like I'm babysitting and everyone's just waiting for the return to "normal." But I know this isn't about me. It's about her but I do have some feelings about this too.

 

OK, lay it on.

 

OH MY GOD!!! You are just so much more calm about all this than I would be...and I am an adopted kid.

 

My own feelings...I would probably tell the adoption agency that I was really only interested in allowing a letter to come through. NO VISITATION...NO CONTACT with birth parents. Really...you do not know what kind of can of worms you are opening. AND I would also ask that if DD decides she would like to meet her birth family when she is say 18 or 21, you would like to be able to open that channel then.

 

YOU are your dd's Mother. You....not her birth parent.

 

I was always treated as "not a real kid" by my "cousins." and it hurt really bad. My adoptive mother NEVER ever alluded to the fact that i was not "real" or really hers...which was the extent of the good she did in her parenting.

 

I do not think I would share any of this info with a 9 year old...other than to say we can write letters and we won't know if they went through or not. When she is older, if she is interested, you can help find her birth family. Think how she will feel to find out this wonderful mother has 2 other children...but decided to give HER away... I see issues getting worse...not better ...for both of you if contact is opened now...in the middle of her childhood. Adopted kids have enough issues to deal with growing up. Ask me...I know! My self worth, my sense of who I was and am is always challenged...always shaky. Having contact with the woman who abandoned me would not have made those issues better.

 

My Mom has offered many times to help me do a search. I am not interested.

 

God bless you whatever you choose...this is really a tough one.

 

:grouphug:

:grouphug:

 

~~Faithe

[at the beach]

This weekend my 9 yo dd was having a hard time processing her adoption and her feelings about being adopted. We had some long talks, tears, and I said that on Monday I would call the adoption agency to see if we could send a letter to her birth Mom and if we did would it get to her or would we send it knowing it would wait in her file until they were able to forward it on to her. DD was thrilled to write her a letter and the idea of sending it was enough to cheer her up and help her to OK, for now.

 

So on Monday I called and asked. Today they called. They gave me her cell phone number. She wants me to call her and set up a time for us to meet at the agency. She wants to bring along the 14 yo brother and 7 yo sister. :svengo:I never expected to be able to do more than send a letter. Dd's adoption is the most closed adoption in our family. We have a picture and that was all.

 

So I told dd that we'd gotten an answer and that we're going to wait on sending the letter until Mom's got a chance to talk with Daddy about the next step.

 

Next Step Thoughts Include:

1. How to tell dd about her bio-siblings? She doesn't know about the brother. I didn't know about the sister.

-- this could be a good thing.

-- But I can just hear this child saying things like, "You're not as good as my REAL brother and sister......"

 

2. Do we bring along the whole family. Or should dh and I just accompany dd?

 

3. DD's going to want to pack and go live with her. I know that because she said as much over the weekend.

 

4. DD has been our most challenging child. She's got ADHD and her behaviour has been difficult. I can see how this visit has the potential to make some of that go away. But I'm also very worried that it will make it much much worse. And create new difficulties.

 

5. I'm also feeling a bit insecure. Kinda like I'm babysitting and everyone's just waiting for the return to "normal." But I know this isn't about me. It's about her but I do have some feelings about this too.

 

OK, lay it on.

:grouphug: I don't have any adopted children nor do I have experience as an adopted child, but I have a very strong feeling that you should not take her to meet this woman and the other kids. What do you know about the birth mom? If you don't know much, IMO it would be very scary to just take my child into that type of situation. Contact is one thing via a neutral party, but I would not just skip over a more limited form of contact where you are in total control so you can protect your child's best interests. Because if you go, how will you know what is going to happen? I wouldn't risk that. I would send a letter to the agency written by myself first. I would introduce myself, let her know that your child is curious and ask her if she would be willing to write a letter to your child that you can give to your child or save for your child. Let the agency forward it to the woman and then allow the woman to send her response back to the agency. I would not want this woman knowing where I live or having my phone number. Then, I would await her response and if all is appropriate, only then would I share it with my child.

 

Just my two cents... ETA: I'm sorry, I see you specifically asked for adopted persons or parents of adopted kids, so I should have not offered my two cents. I just felt such concern for you.

Edited February 17, 2010 by Violet

[Mommyfaithe]

Yes, I believe you. Know that she is not the only one.Originally Posted by Denisemomof4

one more thing - can you believe my daughter has longed for, cried for, her birthmom and vocalized that since she was TWO YEARS OF AGE?

 

 

 

I do believe this...I can remember being really little and crying "I want to go home." and my mom saying "But, you are home!" I still feel like that sometimes to this day...and I am 45 years old.....sigh....

 

~~Faithe

[SilverMoon]

I'm an adoptee. I wouldn't do the meeting at that age. A letter, perhaps, but I'd pre-read any incoming letters before choosing to let dd have them or even know they exist. I doubt I'd do the sibling meet up either, at least until her teen years.

 

My anecdotal story in short form: my birth mother had sporadic contact with me from the time I was taken away from her at 2yo, until I was about 11-12ish. There were letters, random boxes of gifts, and rare visits. Nothing good ever came from her visits. Every contact would only encourage me to set her up on a higher pedestal. I fully believed her lies, pathetic excuses, and promises of future things to come. I remember lying in bed wishing she'd come kidnap me in the middle of the night after a visit was over. She stopped all contact abruptly. I felt rejected all over again. It wasn't until my later teen years that I began to look behind me and understand all the lies and crap she'd flung my way.

[mommyagain]

I agree with all the pp's that said no contact until she is an adult. I have 4 adopted children and we are in the process of adopting 2 more. All of our children have come from foster care. They were not "given up" but were "taken away". I don't know the circumstances of your dd's adoption but in our case, bio parents are not the most caring and trustworthy people. Your dd is still in a stage of "magical thinking" regarding her bio family (kind of a "grass is greener" syndrome). I think if she met them at this stage it would only magnify that and you would be in a worse situation.

I would get some family counseling with someone who specializes in adoption, and all your dd to write letters to get her feelings out but not let bio mom have any influence on her yet.

Praying for peace and blessings on your family!! This adoption is not an easy road!!:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[OHGrandma]

I'm an adoptee. I wouldn't do the meeting at that age. A letter, perhaps, but I'd pre-read any incoming letters before choosing to let dd have them or even know they exist. I doubt I'd do the sibling meet up either, at least until her teen years.

 

My anecdotal story in short form: my birth mother had sporadic contact with me from the time I was taken away from her at 2yo, until I was about 11-12ish. There were letters, random boxes of gifts, and rare visits. Nothing good ever came from her visits. Every contact would only encourage me to set her up on a higher pedestal. I fully believed her lies, pathetic excuses, and promises of future things to come. I remember lying in bed wishing she'd come kidnap me in the middle of the night after a visit was over. She stopped all contact abruptly. I felt rejected all over again. It wasn't until my later teen years that I began to look behind me and understand all the lies and crap she'd flung my way.

 

We have not adopted our grandson, but it's unlikely we'll ever lose custody. SilverMoon's story is basically the story of GS's relationship with his mother. GS is 10.5, he last lived with his mother when he was 19 months. He sees her maybe 2 times/year, when he visits his maternal grandfather & stepgrandmother; he sees them monthly for a weekend. They adopted his twin maternal siblings. They are 13 months younger than he. They and GS10 have limited contact with her due to all the reasons SilverMoon listed. She retains custody of one child, 3 years younger than GS10.

 

Knowing she retains custody of one child has caused our GS10 a lot of grief. Sometimes he's genuinely upset that she kept that child, but not him. Sometimes he genuinely is concerned about the welfare of that half sister if she stays with their mother. On one occasion I let her pick him up after school, she told him she didn't have enough money to feed him & pay for gas to bring him home! Sometimes he's upset because his twin half siblings were adopted by the maternal grandfather, and he misses living with them even though they were separated when GS10 was 19 months.

 

I don't have the additional complications of being mom, I am grandma. I know his twin half siblings were helped tremendously with counseling, and that counselor advised severely limiting contact and to always have supervised contact.

 

I can see a lot of complications with you being mom, but the biological mother being put on a pedestal. I can also see a big problem with bio-mother having an older and a younger sibling to your child. At least our GS can rationalize his mother keeping the youngest because she finally matured enough to take care of a child. (That's not quite the truth, but that answer will due for now.)

Edited February 17, 2010 by OHGrandma
clarity

[Twinmom]

I am both the mother of four children who were adopted as well as the former director of an adoption agency that specialized in open adoption. Three of my four adoptions are fully open, meaning in our case that the birth parents both come for overnight visits and we do the same in their town (though at a hotel). The birth mom of the three boys has become one of my closest friends. We visit with the siblings, birth grandparents, et. al. and it has been truly wonderful. My DD longs for the same relationship with her birth mother, but the birth mom isn't ready for it yet. Hard on everyone, that one is!

 

All that to say, I think your feelings are completely normal and justified. To suddenly fling open an adoption at your DD's age can be really rough on both you and your DD...you are right to be cautious. Your DD is in a difficult place in her life, as are you. It is entirely possible that your DD will benefit from an increased level of openness, but it is also possible that this is not the optimum time. I don't personally see the need to wait for adulthood, as I think an open adoption is very helpful to an adopted child's view of adoption from an early age. Starting from infancy is ideal, imo...it is harder on older kiddos. Jumping in with both feet at your DD's age is not necessary nor is it wise given what you know of the birth mother.

 

Go slowly, feel your way, start with a letter and a picture or two. Definitely insist that the adoption agency provide post-adoption services to BOTH your family and the birth mom and facilitate the developing relationship. As you see what the birth mom is like and how your DD responds to her, you can allow things to open up a bit more at a time. Maybe a first visit at the agency without the sibs, then if all goes well add in the sibs, etc. If you are truly blessed, you may find that the relationship will bloom and you'll be open to more that you ever dreamed possible (as it did for me!). If I were in your shoes, I would call the birth mother myself and explain things (I realize I am super-brave with birth moms, but what I know of them from my work tells me that most have the child's best interests at heart!). Tell her that you are grateful that she is willing to be a part of your DD's life (not all are!) and that you are grateful for the incredible gift she gave you! Explain that DD's understanding of adoption has just begun to crystalize and that you'll need to take things very slow so that the relationship develops in a healthy manner. Explain that you are open to visits in the future (if indeed you are!) and that you will work towards it. Perhaps invite her to meet you for coffee sometime to discuss things further.

 

It will be okay, really it will! Hang in there, remember that your entitlement to your DD comes from being her mother every day, in all the ways that matter most. Knowing her bio family is just about knowing another part of herself, not about replacing you (even if she eventually spouts that off at you in anger, she likely doesn't mean it!). It's about that fantasy of escaping punishment/real life and going somewhere that would allow her to do whatever she wants...not real life, and most kids go through it, adopted or not.

 

Hugs, pm me if I can help in any way.

Edited February 17, 2010 by Twinmom

[torikei]

I am both the mother of four children who were adopted as well as the former director of an adoption agency that specialized in open adoption. Three of my four adoptions are fully open, meaning in our case that the birth parents both come for overnight visits and we do the same in their town (though at a hotel). The birth mom of the three boys has become one of my closest friends. We visit with the siblings, birth grandparents, et. al. and it has been truly wonderful. My DD longs for the same relationship with her birth mother, but the birth mom isn't ready for it yet. Hard on everyone, that one is!

 

All that to say, I think your feelings are completely normal and justified. To suddenly fling open an adoption at your DD's age can be really rough on both you and your DD...you are right to be cautious. Your DD is in a difficult place in her life, as are you. It is entirely possible that your DD will benefit from an increased level of openness, but it is also possible that this is not the optimum time. I don't personally see the need to wait for adulthood, as I think an open adoption is very helpful to an adopted child's view of adoption from an early age. Starting from infancy is ideal, imo...it is harder on older kiddos. Jumping in with both feet at your DD's age is not necessary nor is it wise given what you know of the birth mother.

 

Go slowly, feel your way, start with a letter and a picture or two. Definitely insist that the adoption agency provide post-adoption services to BOTH your family and the birth mom and facilitate the developing relationship. As you see what the birth mom is like and how your DD responds to her, you can allow things to open up a bit more at a time. Maybe a first visit at the agency without the sibs, then if all goes well add in the sibs, etc. If you are truly blessed, you may find that the relationship will bloom and you'll be open to more that you ever dreamed possible (as it did for me!). If I were in your shoes, I would call the birth mother myself and explain things (I realize I am super-brave with birth moms, but what I know of them from my work tells me that most have the child's best interests at heart!). Tell her that you are grateful that she is willing to be a part of your DD's life (not all are!) and that you are grateful for the incredible gift she gave you! Explain that DD's understanding of adoption has just begun to crystalize and that you'll need to take things very slow so that the relationship develops in a healthy manner. Explain that you are open to visits in the future (if indeed you are!) and that you will work towards it. Perhaps invite her to meet you for coffee sometime to discuss things further.

 

It will be okay, really it will! Hang in there, remember that your entitlement to your DD comes from being her mother every day, in all the ways that matter most. Knowing her bio family is just about knowing another part of herself, not about replacing you (even if she eventually spouts that off at you in anger, she likely doesn't mean it!). It's about that fantasy of escaping punishment/real life and going somewhere that would allow her to do whatever she wants...not real life, and most kids go through it, adopted or not.

 

Hugs, pm me if I can help in any way.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

 

 

Great post! I agree totally! Our relationship with my son's biological brother has been very rewarding. I'm hesitant to post the details of our journey here, but feel free to contact me privately.

 

Tori

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

I have not read the other replies because these threads are difficult for me. But, I really wanted to give you my thoughts - as a birthmother.

 

The adoption I arranged was totally open. When I was living in the same state the child's mother (some would say adoptive mother, but in my mind she is just "mother" and I'm something other) and I would travel about once a year for visits. The last time was prior to my cross-country move 11 years ago when the child was 10. So, it has been an open and positive experience for all. We still are in mail contact (mostly xmas cards, periodic updates, etc.). The child is now a well adjusted young adult.

 

So with that background, let me say this: You know your daughter and it is your duty to do what is best for her. You are under no obligation to facilitate a meeting. I think it would be perfectly acceptable to decline the meeting and send the letter. Perhaps continue the letter exchange through the agency, but pre-read the letters until you have a pretty good handle on the birthmother. You do run the risk of hurting the birthmother's feelings, but it is important for you to understand that your daughter's feelings/wellbeing/emotional development are paramount. You must also understand that whatever choice you make now will probably need to be explained later (for example, when your daughter asks, "why didn't you let me meet her sooner" etc.) but that explanation can be "I did what I thought was best at the time." Isn't that what all good parents do? What we feel is best at the time?

 

Good luck to you. Your daughter is fortunate to have such a loving mother.

[Carol in Cal.]

(Speaking to the OP)

 

I think that the suggestion on the BM's part of meeting right away along with two siblings shows poor judgement and maybe a little presumptuousness. OTOH, it is a nice indication of enthusiasm.

 

I would slow way down here.

 

I would not tell your DD about the sibs yet. I would not have that visit. I would ask to meet with the BM, and to do so without any children present at all. I would be very warm to her, but I would also want to have you both know each other quite well before introducing your DD into the mix, which I would not rush to do. I would not include the birth sibs at all until DD has gotten to know the BM, and until I was pretty sure that their relationship would continue. DD needs to not be rejected again. You're her mother, and you have to protect and raise her that way.

 

That's how I see it.

[CalicoKat]

I am both the mother of four children who were adopted as well as the former director of an adoption agency that specialized in open adoption. Three of my four adoptions are fully open, meaning in our case that the birth parents both come for overnight visits and we do the same in their town (though at a hotel). The birth mom of the three boys has become one of my closest friends. We visit with the siblings, birth grandparents, et. al. and it has been truly wonderful. My DD longs for the same relationship with her birth mother, but the birth mom isn't ready for it yet. Hard on everyone, that one is!

 

All that to say, I think your feelings are completely normal and justified. To suddenly fling open an adoption at your DD's age can be really rough on both you and your DD...you are right to be cautious. Your DD is in a difficult place in her life, as are you. It is entirely possible that your DD will benefit from an increased level of openness, but it is also possible that this is not the optimum time. I don't personally see the need to wait for adulthood, as I think an open adoption is very helpful to an adopted child's view of adoption from an early age. Starting from infancy is ideal, imo...it is harder on older kiddos. Jumping in with both feet at your DD's age is not necessary nor is it wise given what you know of the birth mother.

 

Go slowly, feel your way, start with a letter and a picture or two. Definitely insist that the adoption agency provide post-adoption services to BOTH your family and the birth mom and facilitate the developing relationship. As you see what the birth mom is like and how your DD responds to her, you can allow things to open up a bit more at a time. Maybe a first visit at the agency without the sibs, then if all goes well add in the sibs, etc. If you are truly blessed, you may find that the relationship will bloom and you'll be open to more that you ever dreamed possible (as it did for me!). If I were in your shoes, I would call the birth mother myself and explain things (I realize I am super-brave with birth moms, but what I know of them from my work tells me that most have the child's best interests at heart!). Tell her that you are grateful that she is willing to be a part of your DD's life (not all are!) and that you are grateful for the incredible gift she gave you! Explain that DD's understanding of adoption has just begun to crystalize and that you'll need to take things very slow so that the relationship develops in a healthy manner. Explain that you are open to visits in the future (if indeed you are!) and that you will work towards it. Perhaps invite her to meet you for coffee sometime to discuss things further.

 

It will be okay, really it will! Hang in there, remember that your entitlement to your DD comes from being her mother every day, in all the ways that matter most. Knowing her bio family is just about knowing another part of herself, not about replacing you (even if she eventually spouts that off at you in anger, she likely doesn't mean it!). It's about that fantasy of escaping punishment/real life and going somewhere that would allow her to do whatever she wants...not real life, and most kids go through it, adopted or not.

 

Hugs, pm me if I can help in any way.

Thank you.

 

Indeed I am open to exploring the idea of meeting and an open relationship. I'm in email contact with our other still living two birthmoms and they have my phone number and our address. They're very respectful about only calling when they need to hear our baby's voice or need a picture sent. But I've met these women in person. I've spoken with them multiple times. We've exchanged pictures. We've share our joy and dreams for our shared babies & families. If this were one of them we'd be on a plane right now to meet up with them.

 

We don't know my 9 yo's birth mom at all. We got one polaroid picture and the application with a lot of blacked out answers. We need time to trust her. But we're willing to get to know her and figure this out together.

 

I am not comfortable calling her and telling her what we're thinking and how we'd rather proceed. I'm going to ask the agency to do that tomorrow. A letter. A few pictures.

 

Thank you.

[CalicoKat]

OH MY GOD!!! You are just so much more calm about all this than I would be...and I am an adopted kid.

 

My own feelings...I would probably tell the adoption agency that I was really only interested in allowing a letter to come through. NO VISITATION...NO CONTACT with birth parents. Really...you do not know what kind of can of worms you are opening. AND I would also ask that if DD decides she would like to meet her birth family when she is say 18 or 21, you would like to be able to open that channel then.

 

YOU are your dd's Mother. You....not her birth parent.

 

I was always treated as "not a real kid" by my "cousins." and it hurt really bad. My adoptive mother NEVER ever alluded to the fact that i was not "real" or really hers...which was the extent of the good she did in her parenting.

 

I do not think I would share any of this info with a 9 year old...other than to say we can write letters and we won't know if they went through or not. When she is older, if she is interested, you can help find her birth family. Think how she will feel to find out this wonderful mother has 2 other children...but decided to give HER away... I see issues getting worse...not better ...for both of you if contact is opened now...in the middle of her childhood. Adopted kids have enough issues to deal with growing up. Ask me...I know! My self worth, my sense of who I was and am is always challenged...always shaky. Having contact with the woman who abandoned me would not have made those issues better.

 

My Mom has offered many times to help me do a search. I am not interested.

 

God bless you whatever you choose...this is really a tough one.

 

:grouphug:

:grouphug:

 

~~Faithe

Not at all calm. I've been stuffing my face all day trying to deal with my emotions without letting onto my kids something's up. :D

 

My food of choice: Mashed Potatoes, Saurkraut, and Italian Sausages. Washed down with a Pommegranite Izze.

 

Major Comfort Food.

[Christy B]

I have not read the other replies because these threads are difficult for me. But, I really wanted to give you my thoughts - as a birthmother.

 

The adoption I arranged was totally open. When I was living in the same state the child's mother (some would say adoptive mother, but in my mind she is just "mother" and I'm something other) and I would travel about once a year for visits. The last time was prior to my cross-country move 11 years ago when the child was 10. So, it has been an open and positive experience for all. We still are in mail contact (mostly xmas cards, periodic updates, etc.). The child is now a well adjusted young adult.

 

So with that background, let me say this: You know your daughter and it is your duty to do what is best for her. You are under no obligation to facilitate a meeting. I think it would be perfectly acceptable to decline the meeting and send the letter. Perhaps continue the letter exchange through the agency, but pre-read the letters until you have a pretty good handle on the birthmother. You do run the risk of hurting the birthmother's feelings, but it is important for you to understand that your daughter's feelings/wellbeing/emotional development are paramount. You must also understand that whatever choice you make now will probably need to be explained later (for example, when your daughter asks, "why didn't you let me meet her sooner" etc.) but that explanation can be "I did what I thought was best at the time." Isn't that what all good parents do? What we feel is best at the time?

 

Good luck to you. Your daughter is fortunate to have such a loving mother.

 

As an adoptee, :iagree:

 

:grouphug: for all; adoption is wonderful and complicated and overwhelming.

[Impish]

OH MY GOD!!! You are just so much more calm about all this than I would be...and I am an adopted kid.

 

My own feelings...I would probably tell the adoption agency that I was really only interested in allowing a letter to come through. NO VISITATION...NO CONTACT with birth parents. Really...you do not know what kind of can of worms you are opening. AND I would also ask that if DD decides she would like to meet her birth family when she is say 18 or 21, you would like to be able to open that channel then.

 

YOU are your dd's Mother. You....not her birth parent.

 

I was always treated as "not a real kid" by my "cousins." and it hurt really bad. My adoptive mother NEVER ever alluded to the fact that i was not "real" or really hers...which was the extent of the good she did in her parenting.

 

I do not think I would share any of this info with a 9 year old...other than to say we can write letters and we won't know if they went through or not. When she is older, if she is interested, you can help find her birth family. Think how she will feel to find out this wonderful mother has 2 other children...but decided to give HER away... I see issues getting worse...not better ...for both of you if contact is opened now...in the middle of her childhood. Adopted kids have enough issues to deal with growing up. Ask me...I know! My self worth, my sense of who I was and am is always challenged...always shaky. Having contact with the woman who abandoned me would not have made those issues better.

 

My Mom has offered many times to help me do a search. I am not interested.

 

God bless you whatever you choose...this is really a tough one.

 

:grouphug:

:grouphug:

 

~~Faithe

:iagree:

I'm blown away that your request to leave a letter snowballed so badly.

 

I'd call the adoption agency, and stress that you would like to leave a LETTER for her, and that is all. No meetings, callings, etc. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. That way lies madness.

 

Before I get jumped, I know that there are those who are in an open adoption situation and love it. This obviously has not been one of them, and there is no reason to suddenly blast it wide open now. It would cause so much pain, for everyone...just not worth the risk.

 

You could also give your dd a special journal that she could write her feelings in about her adoption...be it letters to her birth parent(s), about how she feels...etc.

[Twinmom]

We don't know my 9 yo's birth mom at all. We got one polaroid picture and the application with a lot of blacked out answers. We need time to trust her. But we're willing to get to know her and figure this out together.

 

I am not comfortable calling her and telling her what we're thinking and how we'd rather proceed. I'm going to ask the agency to do that tomorrow. A letter. A few pictures.

 

Thank you.

 

You are wise to proceed cautiously under these circumstances! I'd be pretty concerned about a blacked out history form unless it was simply blacking out the identifying information. Again, please hold the adoption agency to a high standard on this one. They overstepped their bounds putting you in this position without asking you first and they would be very irresponsible to allow this to proceed without offering post-adoption counseling, ASAP.

 

Your heart is obviously open to birth moms given your relationships with the other ones and your willingness to consider this one...that is awesome and will really help your kiddos! Openness does not mean proceeding without wisdom, however...you are your child's advocate and protector and you are doing it well. Hang in there and I'm sure that you will soon have enough information to decide if a face to face relationship is in your future. Truthfully, if I were to start opening up my DD's adoption at this point, I'd handle it in much the same way you are handling it!

 

:grouphug: and best of luck to you all!

[michelle l]

I'm an adoptee, an adoptive mom, and an adoptive aunt many times over. The other board I visit (and have been for 6 years) is an adoption board. So, I actually feel much more qualified to respond on this thread than on the hs threads.;)

 

I agree with others who have said it is best to proceed slowly. There is no need at this point to begin with a visit or to include birth siblings at this time. It would be much easier to increase openness in the future than to back off once a precident has been set. So yes, caution is wise.

 

I am glad to read though that you are willing to get to know dd's birthmom and figure things out. Yes, it does take time to build trust, an there is much wisdom in giong slowly. However, there is also no immediate reason NOT to trust her, KNIM? I guess it's a bit disconcerting that the immediate response of most responders has been negative. It is hard to think that a woman gives her child to a couple in trust that they will provide in the best way they can, yet they can not give her the benefit of the doubt and trust her a bit. I'm not saying I see this in your attitude, but it's something I see in society in general and think it's work contemplating.

 

I'm so sorry dd is struggling. The loss in adoption is huge, just huge. It's not necessarily a reflextion of the adoptee's feelings for their afamily at all. It just is what it is. I'm sorry she's hurting. It sounds like her behaviours further complicate the situation.:sad:

 

Hopefully your agency can be helpful in mediating as you figure out what is best.

[AprilTN]

Even as an adult with good coping skills and better perspective, it is still emotionally exhausting to reunite with birth parents. Even as a 40 something with a great life, and great family, it still can bring about issues you haven't anticipated. At her age, the other siblings would probably be the hardest thing for her---all the questions of why-----and I think it would be rough to have that on her shoulders while she is going through her teen years. I think it is one thing to have always had an open adoption, but to open one that was previously closed would be a whole different ball game.

 

No way, no how. You want her to bond with you, which seems like what she has done. I wouldn't do anything that would jepardize that.

 

The only thing I might consider is for you to allow her to write a letter, telling her mom about herself, and then having the mom write back with non-identifying information, such as things she likes, hair color, eye color, is she left-handed, good at sports, does she like to read, was math her favorite subject, etc.

 

I think it is completely normal for an adoptee to wonder about those things, and having that answered might be enough for her.

[Harriet Vane]

It is hard to think that a woman gives her child to a couple in trust that they will provide in the best way they can, yet they can not give her the benefit of the doubt and trust her a bit. I'm not saying I see this in your attitude, but it's something I see in society in general and think it's work contemplating.

 

In foster to adopt situations, there are often very, very good reasons not to give the birth mom the benefit of the doubt. Not saying that all birth moms deserve this--but it is the sad reality that many foster-to-adopt situations are quite dysfunctional and complicated.

[michelle l]

In foster to adopt situations, there are often very, very good reasons not to give the birth mom the benefit of the doubt. Not saying that all birth moms deserve this--but it is the sad reality that many foster-to-adopt situations are quite dysfunctional and complicated.

 

I agree. The realities behind the need for fostering are, in themselves, heartbreaking, and sadly contact is not always in the child's best interest.

 

However, unless I've missed something, we're not talking about fostering. I cannot for the life of me think why women who had their children taken from them can be rightly compared to women who made a conscious choice to to something they regarded as being in their child's bests interests. They are operating from two entirely different viewpoints.

 

I would never advocate for jumping in with both feet, and I would be cautious in approaching any relationship that would impact my child, particularly when the other party is a stranger to me. :thumbup1: However, the simple fact that a woman relinquished her child is not reason enough to be wary of her. That's all I was saying. And I think the fact that the comparison was made between moms who's kids are in foster care and moms who placed their children goes to prove, just a bit, that society does make some pretty hard pre-suppositions when it comes to birth moms. Many women who placed are now fantastic moms themselves, and people any of us would be happy to know.

 

Maybe I read more into what you said than you meant though. :blush: If so, my appoligies.

[Harriet Vane]

And I think the fact that the comparison was made between moms who's kids are in foster care and moms who placed their children goes to prove, just a bit, that society does make some pretty hard pre-suppositions when it comes to birth moms. Many women who placed are now fantastic moms themselves, and people any of us would be happy to know.

 

Maybe I read more into what you said than you meant though. :blush: If so, my appoligies.

 

I was not making that comparison at all.

 

My understanding is that Calico's children are/were foster-to-adopt.

[CalicoKat]

I was not making that comparison at all.

 

My understanding is that Calico's children are/were foster-to-adopt.

Quite right Strider. 2 of my kids were foster-to-adopt.

 

This dd's adoption was through a private agency. The closed aspect of her adoption was completely initiated by the biomom. And we chose to respect her wishes.

[michelle l]

A foster situation would certainly present additional issues.

 

Adoption can be complicated, can't it.:(

[KrissiK]

My children were all fost/adopt and I agree, it is a huge difference between that and other friends of ours with open adoptions where the b-mom was a nice college girl who found herself in a difficult situation. Our kids (6,5 &3) all know they are adopted, but they really have no idea what that means. They know they weren't born from my body, but they still haven't made all the connections. It's kind of funny, really. I think it's because we have a lot of friends and relatives who are adopted, so it's not that unusual for them. To the OP, in my opinion and experience with being bull-dozed by people, I would keep things to a letter only, and that to a PO box. Once you let people into your life, you don't know what they are going to do and you could end up in a situation that you really don't want to be in and have no way to get out of. We will probably share with our children the details of their b-moms (not pretty) when they are teen-agers and then when they are of age we will support them if they want to contact her or their sibs.